


Perfect

by godessoftrees



Series: Perfect [1]
Category: Glee
Genre: Anxiety Disorder, Bullying, Cutting, Depression, F/F, F/M, Homophobic Language, M/M, Male Homosexuality
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-03-31
Updated: 2012-10-21
Packaged: 2017-11-02 19:33:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 40
Words: 169,053
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/372592
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/godessoftrees/pseuds/godessoftrees
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Perfection was what he strove for. That was almost his entire reason for coming to Dalton, except for the bullying. At Dalton, Kurt could start over. He could be whoever he wanted to be. And Kurt wanted to be perfect. Warning: self-harm</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: This is not the first story I’ve written that contains self-harm, but lately I’ve been struggling and the last story I wrote that had this subject content helped me get through it. So I decided to start this one in a different universe to see if it can help me like my other fic did. That said, obviously, this story does contain self-harm. I was a cutter for nine years. This story was written to remind myself, and others like me, that we are not alone. We just need to learn to ask for help when we need it. If anyone ever needs someone to talk to please feel free to PM me.
> 
> This is my first Glee fanfic so I hope you enjoy it. I am going to write as close to canon as possible. Events that take place on the show will take place in this story, for now. One thing that will not be canon is Blaine’s age. I don’t buy that he’s a year younger than Kurt. So for my own selfish purposes I’m making him the same age as Kurt.
> 
> The Prologue sucks, but the first chapter is a lot better I promise.
> 
> Warning for this chapter: self-harm
> 
> Spoilers for: 2x08 – Furt
> 
> Disclaimer: Glee and all of the characters are owned by Fox and Ryan Murphy.

**Perfect**

Prologue

                Kurt Hummel stood in front of his bathroom mirror, repeating the same words over and over again until they hardly seemed like words anymore. “You can do this.”

                He looked at the razorblade lying next to the faucet. He had to be strong.

                “You can be strong,” he told himself.

                “Kurt, time to go!” his dad, Burt, yelled up the stairs.

                “I’ll be right there!” Kurt answered, grabbing the razorblade and pressing it into his wrist. His skin opened up and blood trickled out.

                There. Now he could be strong.

                Kurt wrapped his wrist carefully, not wanting his dad to see any traces of blood.

                “Kurt!” Burt called again.

                “Coming!” Kurt grabbed the last of his bags and sprinted down the stairs.

                Today he was heading to Dalton Academy. After Burt had found out about Karofsky’s death threats, he had pulled his son out of McKinley. Kurt would be safe at Dalton with the zero tolerance bullying policy.

                “You’re not going to be sharing a room with anyone, right?” Burt asked.

                “No, Dad.” Kurt replied. They had gone over this several times before.

                “I’m just making sure, kid. I worry about you.” Burt glanced at his son.

                “I’ll be fine, Dad,” Kurt assured him.

                Burt nodded. “And this Blaine kid? Is he treating you right?”

                “We’re just friends, Dad.” Kurt pressed his wrist hard into the armrest, twisting it so his wound was in direct contact with it. There. That was better.

                Burt harrumphed in reply.

                They didn’t speak for the rest of the drive. Kurt was glad. He had always been close to his dad, but lately they’d been drifting apart. The distance was killing him but he didn’t know how to talk to his dad anymore. There was so much he couldn’t tell him. If Burt ever found out his son was intentionally causing himself harm . . . well Kurt didn’t want to think about what would happen then.

                Finally they pulled up in front of Dalton. Blaine was waiting outside, just as he had promised.

                “Mr. Hummel,” Blaine greeted Burt first, shaking his hand.

                “Please, call me Burt. Mr. Hummel is my father.” Burt moved out of the way so Blaine could greet Kurt.

                “Burt.” Blaine nodded, testing the name out.

                “Well, this is it,” Kurt said, stepping out of the car and looking up at the school.

                “You’ll be fine here. Don’t be nervous.” Blaine pulled Kurt in for a hug. Kurt couldn’t help but inhale when he was in such close proximity to Blaine. It felt good being in his arms, and he smelled amazing.

                “I’m not nervous,” Kurt lied.

                “It’s okay to be nervous. You don’t have to be perfect,” Blaine told him, moving to help Burt unload Kurt’s things.

                Kurt didn’t reply. Perfection was what he strove for. That was almost his entire reason for coming to Dalton, except for the bullying. At Dalton, Kurt could start over. He could be whoever he wanted to be. And Kurt wanted to be perfect. Perfect like Blaine was. He couldn’t be the perfect son for his father, but he could try harder at Dalton. He could become a son that his father deserved. This was his chance for perfection. And Kurt was going to use it. He would be perfect.


	2. Chapter 1:  Special Education

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: This chapter takes place approximately one week after Kurt’s transfer to Dalton.
> 
> Warning for this chapter: self-harm
> 
> Spoilers for: 2x09 – Special Education
> 
> Disclaimer: I wish.

Chapter One:  Special Education

            Kurt wasn’t fitting in at Dalton Academy. He missed his friends at McKinley High, and though he tried to tell himself he was no longer safe there, it did little to console him. Kurt felt alone. In class, in the crowded hallways, even during Warbler meetings, he felt alone.

            No one understood him, except for Blaine. Blaine understood him. And Blaine was perfect. Perfect Blaine Anderson understood Kurt when no one else could. Blaine, who had endured his own bullies and transferred to Dalton for his safety. Their stories were so similar. And yet so different.

            Blaine had overcome his past; Kurt continued to fight his. Blaine was strong; Kurt was weak. But he could be strong. If only he could get to his dorm room before Blaine noticed he wasn’t at lunch and came looking for him. He was safe there. There he was strong.

            After what seemed like ages, Kurt made it to his dorm. He closed the door behind him, twisting the lock into place. He was grateful he’d been given a single room, his privacy always ensured. His secret was kept safe.

            Kurt dropped his messenger bag on the ground, rushing to the bathroom. There he found what he needed to make himself strong. Now that relief was at hand, Kurt let the dam holding back his emotions collapse. Wave upon wave of emotions hit him. Sadness. Despair. Shame. Worthlessness. Loneliness. Kurt let his tears fall freely as he reached for his razorblade, his strength.

            He shrugged out of his blazer, pulling up the sleeve of his shirt. Kurt brought the blade down to his wrist, parallel to his vein. The optimum place for blood flow. And God did Kurt need to see the blood flowing from his wound. He needed to watch the bad feelings leave him like a river painted red.

            As Kurt pressed the blade into his flesh, he sighed in relief. Blood bubbled up as he pushed the blade in again, needing to feel more. When he pulled the blade away he let it fall into the sink with a clatter. He slid down the wall, cradling his arm to his chest.

            How did he even get here? How did he get to this point? Of course, he remembered the first time he cut. That day was the sole cause of all his problems. The day Karofsky kissed him.

            _Kurt went to his room without speaking to anyone. Confronting Karofsky had been a horrible idea. If anything, Kurt felt worse. Being shoved into lockers was one thing. Being sexually assaulted was another entirely._

_Kurt hadn’t wanted Karofsky to kiss him. He had always imagined this huge, special, romantic moment when he would have his first kiss and now that had been taken from him._

_Unable to calm his shaking hands, Kurt went through his nightly routine, even though it was only four o’clock. He hoped the normalcy would soothe his rattle nerves. He fell into bed, emotionally exhausted._

_But he didn’t find peace in sleep. Karofsky found him there too. Breathing heavily, Kurt bolted upright. Looking around, he was relieved to see he was in his bedroom and not the boys’ locker room at McKinley. He was alone. Karofsky wasn’t on top of him, about to rape him._

_Kurt climbed out of bed, going to his bathroom. He filled a glass with water, staring into his reflection in the mirror. All he wanted was to look in the mirror and like what he saw for once. He jumped when a car alarm went off outside, dropping the cup. Ignoring the broken glass, he looked out the window. Nothing. He was alone._

_He knelt to pick up the shards of glass. Kurt gasped when a shard accidentally sliced through the skin of his finger. But it wasn’t a gasp of surprise. It was a gasp of relief. He was finally able to forget about everything that was going wrong in his life. He didn’t feel weak anymore. He felt strong. Kurt brought the fragmented glass to his wrist, pressing down. He hissed at the sharp pain, letting his tears fall as the emotional anguish finally left him._

            Kurt was pulled out of his memory when he heard a knock on his door.

            “Kurt? Are you in there?” It was Blaine. He had obviously noticed Kurt’s absence in the cafeteria and come to look for him.

            “Just a second!” Kurt called. He opened his medicine cabinet and grabbed an ace bandage, the easiest way to clean up for the time being. He wrapped the bandage around his wrist as tight as possible without loss of blood circulation. He looked down at his shirt, thankful that he hadn’t gotten any blood on it. Kurt slipped his blazer back on before he exited the bathroom and opened his room door.

            Blaine stood in the doorway, clearly worried. “Why weren’t you at lunch?”

            “I’m sorry. I would’ve texted you but Mercedes called me in crisis mode,” Kurt lied. He hated lying to Blaine, but it was better than what would happen if he knew the truth.

            “It’s all right. I was just worried. Is Mercedes okay?” Blaine asked. He knew Mercedes meant a lot to Kurt and was one of the few people he felt he could count on.

            “Yeah, she’s fine. Mr. Schue skipped her over for another solo and she was upset.” Kurt answered, remembering Mercedes’s text message from earlier that day. He swung his messenger bag over his shoulder. “We should get to class. The bell will ring soon.”

            Blaine nodded in agreement, not sure if Kurt was telling him the truth or not. Nevertheless, he followed the taller boy down the hall.

**K/B**

            “Are you nervous?” Blaine asked as he led Kurt down the hall to the choir room.

            “A little,” Kurt admitted, gripping Pavarotti’s cage tighter in his hand.

            “You’ll be fine, I promise.” Blaine clapped Kurt on the shoulder before opening the door. He allowed Kurt to enter before following behind him.

            Kurt waited until Wes nodded, then he opened his mouth and began to sing. He felt the words flow out of him. “Don’t Cry for Me Argentina” was a personal favorite of Kurt’s, so it wasn’t hard for him to pour his emotions into his performance. He felt his nerves leave him as he sang. He was in his element. _This_ was his moment.

            And then it was over. The Warblers applauded. But he didn’t get the solo.

            “You shouldn’t have tried so hard. Next time pick something simpler. I know you’d get a solo then,” Blaine offered as a way of comfort.

            “I don’t know how to do anything simple.” Kurt tried to joke, wishing his dorm room wasn’t so far away. He needed to be alone.

            “Coming to a new school is never easy. But you’ll get used to it.” Blaine squeezed Kurt’s free hand as they reached the door to his dorm.

            Kurt felt his face flush. He looked down before muttering, “I should go call Rachel.”

            Kurt left Blaine without another word, not knowing what to say. He was afraid if he opened his mouth he’d confess his true feelings towards Blaine but there was no way the other boy felt the same. Kurt preferred to spare himself the humiliation and pain of rejection.

            Sighing, Kurt placed Pavarotti on his desk before pulling out his cell phone and dialing Rachel’s number. Rachel had taken the time to help him find a song for the audition. He owed it to her to tell her how it went.

            “Hello?” she answered.

            “Hi,” Kurt said unhappily.

            “You didn’t get the solo, did you?” Rachel asked, picking up on Kurt’s tone of voice.

            “No, I didn’t.” Kurt shook his head, even though Rachel couldn’t see him.

            “It’s their loss. You’re an amazing performer, Kurt.”

            “Thanks.” Kurt sighed heavily. “I’m learning so much about myself through this transfer.”

            “Like what?” Rachel asked.

            “Even though I felt like I wasn’t getting any time to shine in New Directions, I always knew I was appreciated. I miss everyone, all of our friends. I don’t feel like I have room to be myself here. I can’t express my individuality.” Kurt fell back onto his bed, staring at the ceiling.

            “Is it the blazer?” Rachel asked.

            Kurt laughed. “Not completely.”

            “Things will get better. I promise. I’ll see you at sectionals.”

            “See you.” Kurt hung up.

**K/B**

            Kurt’s searched for Rachel and Mercedes in the crowded auditorium. He wasn’t happy singing back-up to Blaine with the rest of the Warblers. He hoped that didn’t show through. He really wanted to win.

            And they did win. But so did the New Directions. It was a tie, which meant both groups were going to Regionals.

            “Why don’t you look happy?” Blaine plopped down next to Kurt in the backseat of the bus.

            “I am happy,” Kurt lied, trying to smile. It came out as more of a grimace.

            Blaine laughed. “You’re a horrible liar.”

            _If only you knew_ , Kurt thought to himself.

            “I miss my friends,” Kurt admitted. He could disclose this safely.

            “Aren’t I your friend?” Blaine asked, raising an eyebrow.

            “You know what I mean,” Kurt replied with a sigh.

            “I do. And you’ll make friends at Dalton. I promise. You just have to be willing to let people in.” Blaine squeezed his hand.

            Blaine’s hand was warm in Kurt’s. He tried not to blush, knowing it was no use. He blushed whenever Blaine touched him, even if it was just an innocent brush of the fingertips.

            “I’ll try,” Kurt answered.

            Truthfully, Kurt didn’t know if he could let anyone in. He didn’t feel like he could trust anyone outside of his family, Blaine, and Mercedes. He had admitted some of his feelings to Rachel the other day, but he was confident that even if she told someone else no one would care how he felt.

            When the bus pulled up to Dalton, the boys filed out. Kurt was the last one off the bus. He waited until everyone was on their way to the celebratory party in the choir room before he slipped off to his dorm room.

            Seeing his old friends had been painful. All Kurt wanted to do was rid himself of that pain in the only way he knew how. He entered his room, smiling at the silence that greeted him. Then he remembered his room shouldn’t be quiet. He walked over to his canary, frowning when he saw a single feather fall onto the bottom of the cage. A handful of feathers already littered the cage floor.

            Kurt pulled his phone out, texting Blaine. He got on his knees and peered into the cage. A few seconds later, Blaine knocked once on the door before opening it.

            “I got your text. What’s wrong?” Blaine asked, frowning when he saw Kurt kneeling on the ground next to Pavarotti’s cage.

            “I think Pavarotti’s dying,” Kurt answered softly.

            Blaine stepped closer, examining the bird. He let out a chuckle, causing Kurt to frown.

            “I hardly think my canary dying is a laughing matter,” Kurt said angrily.

            “Pavarotti isn’t dying, Kurt. He’s molting.” Blaine laughed again.

            “Molting?”

            “Birds shed their feathers annually. He’ll be fine,” Blaine assured him. “Come on, let’s go celebrate winning sectionals.”

            Kurt glanced at his bathroom, wanting a moment alone with his blade. But he knew Blaine wouldn’t leave him alone, even if he refused to go to the party. Sighing inwardly, Kurt agreed. As Blaine walked Kurt down the hall, he decided he would do whatever it took to make himself someone Blaine would want to be with. He would make himself perfect, perfect enough for Blaine.


	3. Chapter 2 - A Very Glee Christmas

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning for this chapter: self-harm
> 
> Spoilers for: 2x10 - A Very Glee Christmas
> 
> Disclaimer: I do not own Glee. My only payment is reviews. Any quotes that I included from the show are owned by Fox and Ryan Murphy, and I am only borrowing them for my own entertainment.

 

Chapter Two:  A Very Glee Christmas

          After another week of loneliness, Kurt tried harder than ever to get used to Dalton. He tried to involve himself in every aspect of student life that he could manage. But even then, Blaine’s words came back to him.

          _“We’re a team, Kurt.”_

Some team. Kurt was suffocating in this building, in this uniform. He was afraid he would soon begin to forget who he was, after he had just discovered exactly who he was. Kurt found himself pushing everyone away. He didn’t go home that weekend, instead spending the entire time in his dorm room. He ventured out for meals, but he cut those short.

          So, when his phone rang and he recognized Finn’s ringtone he was surprised.

          “Hello,” Kurt answered.

          “Hey, Kurt. It’s Finn,” Finn’s voice was laced with excitement as it came through the speaker.

          “I know. Caller ID,” Kurt said, rolling his eyes.

          “Oh, right. Well, I just wanted to know when you were coming home. Burt says we have to wait for you to put up the Christmas decorations.”

          Kurt froze. Of course, Christmas break was coming up. Christmas was Finn’s favorite holiday, Kurt knew that. He knew he should join his new family in decorating their house, but the idea of faking Yuletide cheer made the cuts on his wrist twinge.

          “I don’t know, Finn. I have midterms this week. Tell Dad I said to put the tree up without me. I’ll be home next weekend for the start of Christmas break.” Kurt ran a hand over his face, wishing he could stay at Dalton over the holiday.

          “You know Burt won’t go for that but I’ll try anyway.” Finn sighed into the phone.

          “I’m sorry, Finn. But I really need to study. I’ll be home next weekend I promise.”

          Finn shrugged his shoulders. He started to say goodbye but Kurt had already hung up. Talking to Finn reminded him of his family:  his actual family and his New Directions family. It hurt too much and keeping up his pretending act was exhausting after several minutes of small talk.

          Kurt fell back onto his bed, curling up into the fetal position. He was tired of trying to fight back his tears whenever he thought of his friends in New Directions. He wanted to be with them, where he fit in more than anywhere else. _Because face it, I don’t fit in anywhere_ , Kurt added to himself. He allowed himself a rare moment to cry, feeling weak for giving in to his emotions. He cried himself to sleep with that last thought.

          _“If you tell anyone, I’ll kill you,” Karofsky threatened as he placed a hand over Kurt’s mouth, effectively keeping him quiet._

_Kurt trembled when Karofsky removed his hand, only to replace it with his mouth. He forced his tongue into Kurt’s mouth. Kurt’s impulse was to bite down on the muscle but he was too afraid of what Karofsky would do to him if he did fight back._

_So, when Karofsky tore Kurt’s shirt open, buttons flying everywhere, Kurt bit back a whimper. And when Karofsky reached for Kurt’s belt, he bit back a scream._

“Kurt! Wake up!” Blaine shook him gently but firmly.

          He jumped, pushing Blaine away from him roughly. Blaine fell off of the bed where he had been sitting next to Kurt.

          “Kurt, what’s wrong?” Blaine asked worried, slowly getting to his feet so as not to startle Kurt further.

          He couldn’t stop his tears from coming. Kurt curled into himself, wishing Blaine would leave so he wouldn’t see him this way. He felt his entire body shake from the force of his sobs, which left him feeling raw and broken.

          “Shh, it’s all right. I’m here. You’re safe,” Blaine whispered to him, rubbing Kurt’s back soothingly.

          Kurt didn’t know how Blaine always knew the right thing to say, and he couldn’t stop himself from flinging his arms around Blaine, sobbing into the other boy’s shoulder. He knew he shouldn’t be doing this, that he had probably scared Blaine off with his overly emotional display. But that thought fled his mind when Blaine wrapped his strong arms around Kurt, holding him close and letting him cry on his shoulder.

          It took a while but Kurt’s tears finally subsided and he pulled away from Blaine, blushing deeply.

          “I’m sorry,” he whispered, embarrassed beyond belief.

          “Don’t be.” Blaine reached for his hand, rubbing his thumb over the back of the soft skin there. After several minutes of silence, Blaine spoke again. “Do you want to talk about it?”

          Kurt shook his head, but found himself speaking anyway. “It was Karofsky.” He tried to keep his tears at bay but was unsuccessful as he felt them overtake him once more.

          Blaine sighed unhappily. “What Karofsky did to you was wrong and it was not your fault.”

          “I know.” Kurt shook his head, trying to get rid of all the thoughts that jumbled his mind. “I don’t blame myself. I blame him. That’s not what I was dreaming about.”

          “What was it then?”

          Kurt took a deep breath before pulling back his walls and letting Blaine in. “I keep having this . . . nightmare where Karofsky rapes me.”

          “Oh, Kurt.”

          Kurt felt himself break into a thousand pieces as he finally admitted part of what was torturing him to Blaine. Blaine pulled Kurt into his arms, holding him tight to his chest. And Kurt let his tears fall. He gave up trying to hold them back and allowed them to overtake him for the third time that day.

          Maybe he couldn’t tell Blaine that he was cutting himself to push away the pain, but he could let him in this much. After all, Blaine had done so much for Kurt already. He didn’t deserve to be lied to more than was absolutely necessary. And some of the lying absolutely _was_ necessary.

          So, when Blaine finally stood to leave an hour later (after Kurt had assured him multiple times that he was fine now), he carefully slid his walls back into place. But he instantly removed them again when Blaine turned back to face him from the doorway.

          “Promise you’ll call me if you have any more nightmares,” Blaine spoke, looking him seriously in the eyes.

          “I promise,” Kurt said though he wasn’t sure if he could keep that promise. But he knew he owed it to Blaine to try.

**K/B**

          Kurt skipped his lunch period to study in his dormitory the next day. He hadn’t seen Blaine since he had witnessed Kurt’s breakdown. He wasn’t avoiding him per se he just didn’t know how to act around him. Kurt was saved from thinking more on the matter when he heard someone whistling down the hall. He looked up in amusement when Blaine entered the room without knocking, a stereo in hand.

          “What’re you doing?” Kurt asked, unable to keep the smile off of his face.

          “I decided that you’ve been studying too hard. You need a break.” Blaine set the stereo down on Kurt’s desk, closing the book Kurt had been poring over.

          “Blaine! I was reading that!” Kurt protested. Anything else he might have said instantly died on his lips when Blaine took his hands and pulled him to his feet.

          “Yes, well I need help rehearsing ‘Baby, Its Cold Outside.’ And you are the lucky winner so. . . .” Blaine released one of Kurt’s hands to press play on the stereo, but keeping a firm grasp on the other.

          Kurt found himself singing before he knew what he was doing. He should be studying, but he didn’t care when Blaine was here looking so breathtakingly beautiful and asking for his help. Asking for _Kurt’s_ help, not Wes’s or David’s. And when Blaine playfully flirted with him, Kurt flirted right back. He was unable to help himself.

          But the song ended much too soon. Somehow, they had both ended up seated on Kurt’s bed, sitting so close that their thighs grazed together. Kurt couldn’t stand the awkward silence. It left too many things unsaid all too often in life.

          “I don’t think you need any more practice.” Kurt blushed deeply as the words left his mouth.

          “Well, I just set myself up for a disappointment,” Blaine said.

          “What do you mean?” Kurt raised an eyebrow in confusion.

          “Whatever girl they scrounge up for me to sing with won’t sound anywhere near as good as you,” Blaine told him, bumping their shoulders together.

          Kurt felt himself blush, which he did all too often around Blaine. He opened and closed his mouth several times, not sure of what to say. He was finally spared from having to think of a reply when a knock came at the door and Will Schuester appeared.

          “Mr. Schue!” Kurt jumped to his feet, rushing to hug his old glee teacher.

          “Kurt,” Will said as he hugged the boy back.

          “I’ll let you two catch up. Thanks again for your help, Kurt.” Blaine grabbed his stereo and slipped out of the room before Kurt could ask him to stay.

          “So, is he your boyfriend?” Will asked bluntly.

          “No.” Kurt blushed. “But he is gay. And I think I might be in love with him. I call that progress.”

Will laughed. “I would agree with that.” He paused before asking, “Are you happy here?”

“Yes,” Kurt lied. “The classes are more challenging but I’m not getting death threats from any of my peers. I do miss everyone in glee though.”

“We miss you too, Kurt. And you may be a student at Dalton but you will always be a member of the New Directions.”

“So, what brings you to Dalton?” Kurt asked, gesturing for Will to sit down at Kurt’s desk.

          “Well, we’re doing a Secret Santa for the staff at McKinley, and I drew Sue’s name,” Will explained.

          “Say no more. You came to the right guy.” Kurt immediately began planning for Sue’s Christmas present.

**K/B**

          After spending all of Christmas Day with his family, Kurt finally slipped upstairs for some quiet time. He had managed to convince his father that he was happy at Dalton, whatever the case may be. The truth was Kurt was nearly as unhappy at Dalton as he had been at McKinley. At least at McKinley he could express himself fully. At McKinley, he had more than one friend. But at Dalton he was safe.

          The pain went straight to his heart. Kurt felt like he was slowly dying an agonizing death from all the emotional anguish. He removed his shirt as he walked to his bathroom, intent on finding his razorblade. He needed to stay strong. He couldn’t allow himself another moment of weakness.

          Looking down at his wrists, Kurt knew he couldn’t cut there again. So many fresh cuts already adorned his skin and there simply wasn’t room for more. So, Kurt brought the blade to his stomach, pressing it into the pale skin there. He gasped as the blade went in, blood pouring out. He pressed the blade in again, needing to feel more.

          When he was done, Kurt cleaned himself up. He bandaged his cuts with care, as always. Then he pulled on his silk pajamas and slipped between the sheets. Again, Karofsky found him in his dreams. And this time when Karofsky reached for his belt Kurt didn’t wake up. When the dream-rape was finally over, Kurt woke sobbing. He reached out for his phone, hardly aware of what he was doing or what number he was dialing.

          “Kurt?” a sleepy voice asked on the other end of the line.

          Kurt couldn’t answer. He couldn’t stop crying. He couldn’t pause to take a breath. He let the pain consume him completely as he sobbed into the phone.

          “Kurt? Did you have another nightmare?” the voice asked again.

          He cried harder, nodding his head as he was still unable to answer, even though he knew Blaine couldn’t see him. He began to hyperventilate. He couldn’t catch his breath.

          “Kurt, breathe. Just breathe. I’m on my way. I’m leaving now.”

          And that was how Blaine ended up in Kurt’s bedroom at two o’clock the morning after Christmas Day. Kurt had somehow managed to get himself downstairs in time to open the door before Blaine rang the doorbell and woke the entire house. When he saw Blaine standing in the doorway he collapsed against him, unable to support his weight on his shaking legs. Blaine instantly scooped the boy into his arms, carrying him up into his room. He laid Kurt down on his bed before climbing in next to him. Kurt curled himself against Blaine, burying his head in the boy’s shoulder. And Blaine held him tight, repeating over and over again that he was okay and he was safe because Blaine was there and he wasn’t leaving Kurt.

          That was how Burt found them the next day, asleep on top of the covers. Burt’s initial reaction was anger until Kurt lied that they had fallen asleep watching _A Christmas Carol_ on AMC and that Blaine had Carole’s permission to be there. Burt believed his son because he never lied to him. Only he didn’t know that Kurt was lying to him constantly, and about the most important of things.

          Thankfully he didn’t notice the way Kurt flinched when his shirt grazed against his stomach.


	4. Chapter 3:  The Sue Sylvester Shuffle

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I hope you enjoy this chapter. Writing it certainly helped me so maybe reading it will help others who are going through tough times.
> 
> Warning for this chapter: self-harm, language
> 
> Spoilers For: 2x11 - The Sue Sylvester Shuffle
> 
> Disclaimer: I do not own Glee or its characters.

Chapter Three: The Sue Sylvester Shuffle

Kurt smiled when he heard a knock at his room door. Many people would not enjoy having visitors at such an early hour, but Kurt knew that this was not just any visitor. It was Blaine, waiting for him with coffee. Kurt swung the door open. He couldn’t help but blush when he saw the brilliant smile on Blaine’s face. He couldn’t stop himself from hoping that he was the cause of such happiness.

“Ready to go?” Blaine asked, offering Kurt his latte.

“Almost,” Kurt answered, taking the latte from Blaine. He set it down on his desk so he could throw on his blazer. He picked up his coffee and followed Blaine out of the door while he slipped his messenger bag over his shoulder.

Kurt had thought things would be awkward between them after he had called Blaine in the middle of the night crying. As if that wasn’t bad enough, Burt had been the one to find them the next morning, asleep on Kurt’s bed. Thankfully his dad believed Kurt’s story and didn’t ask too many questions. Blaine seemed just as eager to forget anything had ever happened. Though what Kurt didn’t know was that Blaine worried about the other boy. He wanted to broach the subject of Kurt’s nightmares, especially the one that had been so bad over Christmas break, but he knew Kurt would only talk when he was ready and not a second before. But over a month had passed, and Blaine was beginning to think Kurt would never be ready.

“I wish Christmas break had been longer. I’m ready for another break,” Blaine broke the silence as Kurt closed his room door behind him.

Kurt opened his mouth to answer when it happened. Cam slammed his door, the noise echoing loudly down the halls. Kurt was no longer at Dalton. He was at McKinley with Karofsky standing over him, menacingly. Blaine watched in shock as Kurt’s legs gave out from under him. Kurt fell to the ground, dropping his coffee which spilt across the pristine tiled floor. He pulled himself into the fetal position, trying to protect whatever soft spots Karofsky might attempt to injure.

“Kurt!” Blaine exclaimed, dropping to the other boy’s side.

He placed a hand on Kurt’s shoulder. Kurt was shaking violently, tremors that shook his entire body. A crowd was growing around the pair. Blaine knew he had to get Kurt out of there. All other thoughts forgotten, Blaine scooped Kurt into his arms. Thankfully, David had seen the entire thing and opened Kurt’s door before Blaine could ask. He nodded at the other Warbler before entering the room and kicking the door closed behind him.

Blaine laid Kurt down on the bed. His heart broke when the boy scrambled away from him, whimpering, “Please, don’t hurt me.”

That was when Blaine realized Kurt wasn’t aware of his surroundings at all. In Kurt’s mind, he was back at McKinley with Karofsky bearing down on him.

“Kurt, it’s all right. You’re all right. You’re okay. No one is going to hurt you. I won’t let anyone hurt you. You’re safe. Kurt, listen to me.” Blaine tried to soothe the other boy. He took Kurt’s hand in his, rubbing his thumb over the back of Kurt’s smooth skin. He didn’t move any closer than that, though. He didn’t want to startle Kurt further.

Finally, Kurt seemed to tear himself away from the halls of McKinley. He was in his dorm room, on his bed, with Blaine holding his hand while he talked softly to him. The dam broke. Kurt couldn’t hold back his tears. And as he collapsed inwards, Blaine rushed forwards to hold him up. He pulled the other boy into his arms, rubbing his back and whispering softly in his ear.

It took a while, but Kurt eventually pulled himself away from Blaine. How much time had passed, neither boy knew. Blaine looked at Kurt carefully, trying to find any clue as to his state of mind. But the only emotion that showed on Kurt’s face shocked Blaine. Kurt discreetly avoided looking in Blaine’s direction. Kurt was ashamed.

“Kurt?” Blaine asked tentatively.

His suspicions were confirmed when Kurt flinched at the sound of his voice. He turned his body away from Blaine, wishing he could disappear on the spot. Unfortunately, he didn’t and neither did Blaine. He closed his eyes when Blaine tried again.

“Kurt? Talk to me. What just happened?”

Kurt shrugged his shoulders. He needed to get Blaine out of here so he could be alone. He needed his razorblade, but even if he could escape into his bathroom he couldn’t hurt himself with Blaine just in the other room. What if Blaine walked in on him? What if Blaine were to find out exactly how Kurt was dealing with his past? There were just too many bad scenarios to come if he even attempted to do _that_ with Blaine _here_.

“I don’t know,” Kurt lied. He knew this would not appease Blaine but he didn’t want to admit his weakness.

“I think you do,” Blaine said softly, reaching out to take Kurt’s hand.

Kurt flinched away from his touch, not quite recovered from his flashback. Blaine frowned, not knowing if he should withdraw his hand or not. But when Kurt relaxed a tad, he knew whatever he was doing was working.

“You were at McKinley, weren’t you?” Blaine asked empathically.

Kurt nodded, knowing if he attempted to speak now his voice would break.

“I know it was Karofsky,” Blaine paused before continuing, “But if you want me to help you I need you to tell me specifically what happened.”

Kurt was still shaking, though not as badly as out in the hall. He was covered in coffee and his clothes were sticking to him uncomfortably. He wanted to change but knew he couldn’t with Blaine in the room. Then he would see his scars and the fresh cuts and he would know. So instead, Kurt pulled at his clothes, trying to get them away from his skin.

“Do you want to change first?” Blaine asked, noticing Kurt’s discomfort. Maybe it would somehow be easier for him to talk if he were more comfortable and less sticky.

“Do you mind?” Kurt asked quietly, pointedly looking at the door when he spoke.

“Not at all. I’ll wait outside. Give you a minute.” Blaine slipped out of the door before Kurt could even thank him for his thoughtfulness and understanding. Kurt locked the door behind him, in case Blaine decided he was taking too long.

“All right. Now he’s completely out of the room. You can do this. You can be strong,” Kurt whispered to himself as he entered his bathroom. He stripped completely, letting his clothes fall to the ground without a care. Normally he was a complete neat freak, but he knew what was fixing to happen and right now he couldn’t care less about making a mess. He only cared about one thing.

Kurt found his razorblade hidden in his medicine cabinet. He placed the sharp edge against his stomach and pushed, dragging it across the skin there to open his flesh. He knew what he was doing was fucked up. Only a crazy person would do this to themselves, carving into their own skin for release. But Kurt was fucked up and he was crazy, at least in his own mind. And those were the thoughts that he forced to leave his mind as he drug the blade across his skin several more times before he finally rinsed it off and placed it back in his medicine cabinet. Kurt allowed a moment to look at his handiwork before he pulled bandages out of the cabinet. Seeing the blood, seeing the bad feelings and thoughts leave his body helped. He bandaged his new cuts before wiping away the fresh blood. Then he put everything away and closed his bathroom door behind him. He slipped into a pair of skinny jeans and a long-sleeved shirt before he finally opened the door to find Blaine sitting on the ground, a worried expression plastered across his face.

“I was beginning to worry if you’d forgotten I was out here,” Blaine said, standing up.

“I could never forget about you,” Kurt answered truthfully. He felt grounded since he had cut. The pull of the bandages against his skin, and the throbbing of his wounds, reminded him that he was strong. He could do anything.

“I don’t think I’ve ever seen you dress casually.” Blaine looked Kurt up and down, admitting to himself that the boy was not unattractive.

“Well, I didn’t see myself making it to class today so I figured I might as well be comfortable if I’m going to have a lazy day.” Kurt led Blaine into his room. Sitting with his back against his pillows, Kurt pulled his knees up to his chest. He pressed them against the wounds on his stomach, keeping himself grounded.

Blaine noticed the difference in Kurt immediately, but figured Kurt was trying to act like nothing had happened to avoid the subject altogether. Only this time that approach would not work. This time had been much more serious than any other time, except perhaps the time during Christmas break.

“We need to talk about what just happened, Kurt,” Blaine said carefully, sitting next to Kurt.

Kurt froze, thinking that Blaine knew what he had gotten up to in his bathroom. But that was impossible. He forced his body to relax once more, hoping Blaine hadn’t noticed the way his spine had tensed. Unfortunately, Blaine did but he passed it off as Kurt being uncomfortable with the subject.

Kurt took a deep breath before he began his explanation. “You know Karofsky used to shove me into lockers, throw me into dumpsters, that kind of thing. When Cam slammed his door, it reminded me of the sound the lockers made as I became a human missile for Karofsky’s entertainment.”

Blaine sighed, placing a hand on Kurt’s knee. “I’m going to talk to Cam, and the rest of the boys for that matter.”

“No, please don’t. I don’t want them to know.”

Apparently Kurt hadn’t noticed the crowd in the hallway after he had collapsed. Blaine didn’t want to have to tell him, but knew Kurt would wonder why everyone was staring at him if he didn’t.

“I won’t say anything to Cam, but he noticed you collapsing. So did several other people.” Blaine squeezed Kurt’s knee.

“Oh no,” Kurt allowed his head to fall into his knees, momentarily forgetting that Blaine’s hand was there. Blaine moved his hand out from under Kurt’s forehead. Instead of pulling away though, he wrapped an arm around Kurt’s shoulders, bringing him closer.

“Don’t worry. No one will say anything. But I have to ask. Have you considered talking to someone? A professional?”

Kurt lifted his head up, tilting it slightly to look at Blaine. “I don’t need a shrink,” he said harshly.

“It’s not a bad thing to need someone to talk to. It doesn’t make you weak. In fact, I spoke to the guidance counselor here several times after my transfer,” Blaine admitted.

“You did?” Kurt asked, surprised.

“Yes.” Blaine nodded. “She helped me adjust to life here, and helped me learn how to deal with my past.”

Kurt thought about it for a moment. If perfect Blaine had gotten help, then it wouldn’t make Kurt less perfect than he already was. Maybe it would even help him reach his goal of perfection. But if he did go to a guidance counselor or a therapist, what would happen if they found out about his cutting? No, that wasn’t an option. Cutting was the one thing helping him right now and he couldn’t have that taken away from him. No, seeking outside help was not an option.

“I’ll think about it,” Kurt lied.

Blaine nodded. “I’m not going to push you to do anything you don’t want to do, but I really think it would help you.”

“What time is the game tonight?” Kurt asked, changing the subject.

“Seven o’clock. Are we sitting with your parents?” Blaine allowed the subject change, knowing Kurt was probably exhausted from the events of the morning.

“Yes. I told Mercedes and Rachel we’d meet up with them after the game, provided that they don’t get themselves killed as a result of this cockamamie scheme of theirs. Honestly, what those two are thinking trying to play football is beyond me.”

Blaine laughed. “They’ll be fine. Why don’t you get some rest and I’ll come check on you during lunch?”

“A nap does sound nice,” Kurt admitted, stretching out on the bed with a yawn.

“Promise you’ll call me if you need anything?” Blaine asked, knowing he wouldn’t leave if Kurt didn’t agree. But Kurt always agreed.

“I promise,” Kurt answered sleepily.

Blaine squeezed Kurt’s shoulder before he slipped out the door, hoping Kurt wouldn’t need to call him but would keep his promise if he needed to.


	5. Chapter 4:  Silly Love Songs

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I know some of you were anticipating this chapter so I won’t make you wait any longer with a long Author’s Note.
> 
> Warning for this chapter: self-harm
> 
> Spoilers for: 2x12 - Silly Love Songs
> 
> Disclaimer: I do not own Glee. Any quotes used in the show that are found here are simply being borrowed. “Because of You” belongs to Kelly Clarkson. "Silly Love Songs" belongs to Paul McCartney.

Chapter Four: Silly Love Songs

“I hate Valentine’s Day.” Kurt wrinkled his nose at the pink heart-shaped decorations on display at the Lima Bean. “It’s just another excuse to get people to spend a whole bunch of money trying to prove how much they love each other.”

“Really? It’s my favorite holiday.” Blaine took a step forward as the line moved. “Do you think it’s too much to sing to someone for Valentine’s Day?”

Blaine’s voice changed when he asked the question. This didn’t go unnoticed by Kurt. He couldn’t stop himself from hoping that maybe Blaine was asking because he wanted to sing to _him_ for Valentine’s Day.

“Not at all. Why?” Kurt asked, trying to sound disinterested but failing miserably.

“There’s this guy I like. I’ve only known him for a little while, but recently my feelings have changed into something deeper. I haven’t told him how I feel yet but I want to, and I want to do something special when I tell him.” Blaine stepped up to the cash register, placing his order as well as Kurt’s.

“You know my coffee order?” Kurt asked breathlessly, sincerely hoping Blaine had been speaking about him earlier.

“Of course, I do.” Blaine paid for their drinks before leading Kurt away. “So, what do you think? Is my idea too over the top?”

“Quite the opposite, actually. I think it’s romantic.” Kurt could feel himself blushing, but didn’t seem to care for once.

“Cool. Speaking of singing, have you picked what song you’re going to use to audition for Regionals?” Blaine asked casually.

The auditions weren’t much more than a formality. Every Warbler knew Blaine would land as many solos as his heart desired, regardless of try outs. Kurt realized this as well, but that wasn’t about to keep him from trying his hardest. After all, if he got a solo Kurt might finally be perfect enough for Blaine.

“I think I have the perfect song.”

**K/B**

“Next up is Warbler Kurt. Kurt, you have the floor.” Wes sat down, motioning for Kurt to move to the center of the room.

Kurt had put a lot of thought into his song selection. Naturally, most people would assume Kurt would perform some spectacular Broadway number. But Kurt wanted something different. He wanted a way to express exactly how he had been feeling the past few months, without directly admitting it. Singing was, of course, the perfect way to release unwanted emotions. So instead of doing yet another _Wicked_ number, Kurt chose a song that would help him release some of his unhealthy feelings.

And Kurt wasn’t disappointed with the reactions of the other Warblers. As he began to sing, the others exchanged glances. This was definitely not what they had been expecting from Kurt.

_I will not make the same mistakes that you did._

_I will not let myself cause my heart so much misery._

_I will not break the way you did, you fell so hard._

_I’ve learned the hard way to never let it get that far._

Typically, Kurt avoided the Top 40s list. But this song spoke to him on such a deep level. He had instantly thought of Karofsky when he heard the song playing on the radio the other day. The words rang true to Kurt. He knew that Karofsky’s actions had been fueled by his own self-hatred. Karofsky refused to accept the person that he was. And Kurt never wanted to be like that.

_Because of you, I never stray too far from the sidewalk._

_Because of you, I learned to play on the safe side so I don’t get hurt._

_Because of you, I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me._

_Because of you, I am afraid._

Of course, Blaine realized instantly why Kurt had chosen this song. The other Warblers did not know the details of Kurt’s past other than he had been bullied, but Blaine knew everything. He knew this song reminded Kurt of Karofsky. Blaine was proud of Kurt for being able to sing this in front of the Warblers. This just showed how strong the other boy was, even if Kurt didn’t see it himself.

_I lose my way and it’s not too long before you point it out._

_I cannot cry because I know that’s weakness in your eyes._

_I’m forced to fake a smile, a laugh every day of my life._

_My heart can’t possibly break when it wasn’t even whole to start with._

Kurt fought to keep his voice from breaking. He could get through this. This had been his choice, his decision. No one else had asked him to sing this song, but he had done it anyway. He had hoped it would help him, but now all he wanted to do was run back to his dorm room where he could be alone with his razorblade. But he pushed the urge down as he repeated the chorus. He knew what was coming and he had to be strong for the bridge. That would be the hardest part. And all too soon the chorus was drawing to a close. He continued onwards, not letting his fear own him.

_Because of you, I never stray too far from the sidewalk._

_Because of you, I learned to play on the safe side so I don’t get hurt._

_Because of you, I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me._

_Because of you, I am afraid._

_I watched you die; I heard you cry every night in your sleep._

_I was so young; you should have known better than to lean on me._

_You never thought of anyone else; you just saw your pain._

_And now I cry in the middle of the night for the same damn thing._

Kurt bit back a sob, forcing his vocal chords to work. It was almost over. Then he could return to his room and find solace from his memories the only way he knew how. Just a little bit longer.

_Because of you, I never stray too far from the sidewalk._

_Because of you, I learned to play on the safe side so I don’t get hurt._

_Because of you, I try my hardest just to forget everything._

_Because of you, I don’t know how to let anyone else in._

_Because of you, I’m ashamed of my life because it’s empty._

_Because of you, I am afraid._

Kurt closed his eyes, trying to hold his tears in. He could feel himself on the verge of breaking down, and all he wanted to do was hold himself together. He couldn’t afford to break down in front of everyone again. It had been bad enough when he’d collapsed in the hallway two days ago. He didn’t open his eyes as he sang the last notes.

_Because of you._

_Because of you._

Everyone seemed too shocked to applaud. Everyone except Blaine. He acted normally, clapping loudly. This pulled the other Warblers out of their stupor. Kurt faked a smile before he bowed slightly and returned to his seat. He pushed his arm against his stomach and the healing wounds there. Pain. He needed pain. He needed to be strong.

“Thank you, Warbler Kurt.” Wes found his voice. Kurt nodded, not looking in the direction of the council members.

Kurt let his thoughts roam the rest of the meeting. He didn’t hear any of the other soloists, knowing that Blaine would end up with the solos anyway. In fact, he didn’t notice the meeting was over until Blaine shook his shoulder gently.

“Kurt? You okay?” he asked.

Kurt nodded. “Fine. Just thinking of how much homework I have.”

Blaine chatted animatedly while he walked Kurt back to his dorm room. It seemed to take forever, but finally Kurt was inside. Alone at last.

He was so tired, but he had to do something before he could sleep. He had to make himself strong. Kurt knew what he needed to do. He walked into his bathroom, pulling off his uniform as he went. His arm and stomach was still healing from the last time he had cut. Kurt turned his attention to his inner thigh, knowing the skin there was just as sensitive as that of his wrist. Perfect.

Kurt shuddered violently. His emotions were finally getting the best of him, after the hour long Warbler meeting. His tears began to fall as he reached for his razorblade. He didn’t bother to wipe them away. He knew he’d stop crying as soon as he was stronger. Crying was a sign of weakness. Kurt Hummel was not weak. Not when he had his source of strength.

He brought the razor down to his thigh, pushing and pulling against his skin until it opened. He sighed in relief. Kurt could feel the strength entering him as his blood flowed out. He waited before he bandaged his new wounds, watching the blood leave his body. Finally, he put himself back together, like he always did. Then he collapsed on his bed, finding peace in sleep.

**K/B**

Kurt was sitting on his bed, doodling. He didn’t have any homework for once, so he contented himself by drawing his name with Blaine’s inside of a heart. He jumped when he heard a knock on the door, and the subject of his doodling appeared.

“What’re you doing?” Blaine asked, leaning against the doorway.

“Nothing.” Kurt slammed his notebook shut. The last thing he needed was for Blaine to find him drawing their names together in a heart.

“I called an emergency Warbler meeting,” Blaine said.

Kurt was instantly on his feet, following Blaine to the choir room.

“Why?” he asked.

“You’ll see,” Blaine answered by refusing to answer.

Kurt frowned, but didn’t push the other boy any further. He would know soon enough. He took a seat on the nearest empty couch while Blaine took the floor.

Blaine cleared his throat before speaking. “I’m in love.”

Several Warblers laughed, while others spoke at the same time so no one was able to tell what was said. Wes hit his gavel on the table, calling for order. He nodded at Blaine to continue.

“I’m not good with relationships or feelings. But I want this person to know how I feel. And I would like the Warblers to help me. Off campus.”

“Off campus!” Thad exclaimed.

“That’s ridiculous. The Warblers haven’t performed in an informal setting since 1927,” David protested loudly. Wes hit his gavel again, trying to regain order.

“Exactly. We’re privileged, porcelain birds,” Blaine said. That was obviously the wrong thing to say as the room exploded.

“I think it’s a great idea.” Kurt had to yell to get anyone to hear him, but he was successful. Everyone turned to look at him skeptically. “At McKinley, any time we sang was in a hostile situation.  It gave us confidence. The Warblers don’t know how to deal with such a thing. If something were to arise when we aren’t suspecting it the results could be disastrous. We need to expose ourselves to more difficult situations.”

The other Warblers seemed to be considering Kurt’s words. Finally, Wes nodded.

“Very well. Where will this performance be taking place?” Wes asked.

“The Gap.” Blaine answered, blushing.

Kurt was confused. If Blaine was going to be singing to him, why would they go all the way to the mall to do so?

“Why The Gap?” Kurt asked before he could stop himself. Immediately he wished he hadn’t asked.

“The guy I like is the junior manager there.”

Kurt felt his heart break instantly. He didn’t listen while the Warblers worked with Blaine to get all the details straight. And when Wes finally dismissed them, he was the first one out of the room.

**K/B**

“I was absolutely devastated.” Kurt sighed into the pillow he was holding. He was at Rachel’s house for a sleepover with Mercedes. The two were very sympathetic with Kurt’s situation. Not that it made Kurt feel any better.

Nothing had made Kurt feel any better. Nothing except his razor. That was what he had immediately turned to after he left the choir room. The pain that he felt knowing that Blaine was pining after another guy tore him apart worse than Kurt could possibly tear into his own skin. But he tried to match that pain with the pain of his razor, cutting deeper than he meant to. He had finally gotten the bleeding to stop, but the whole experience shook him to the core. He knew he had to be more careful next time or he’d end up in the Emergency Room getting stitches. And then everyone would know his secret.

Kurt almost didn’t care, except for the fact that if anyone found out he wouldn’t be able to hurt himself anymore. The fact that Blaine was in love with another guy just went to show how imperfect Kurt was. And he was beginning to think that he’d never be perfect enough, no matter how hard he tried. Perfection was always just outside of his grasp, but he never could seem to get a hold of it.

“Well, did Blaine ever say you were dating?” Rachel asked carefully, not wanting to anger Kurt.

“Not in so many words,” Kurt answered, ducking his head to avoid her gaze. “But we hang out all the time, and he knows my coffee order. Oh God, I made the whole thing up in my head, didn’t I?”

“I’ve been there before,” Mercedes said. “With you.”

Kurt laughed weakly.

“I know how you feel too, Kurt. I lost Finn and that broke my heart. But tomorrow I’m going up to that kissing booth with a hundred dollar bill. Finn won’t be able to find any change and he’ll be forced to kiss me a hundred times. And when we kiss, he’ll feel just how much I love him,” Rachel said.

“Rachel, this is about Kurt. Stop making it about yourself.” Mercedes restrained the urge to shake the other girl. Sometimes she could be really self-centered. “Look, I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day and I’m happy. Look at our idols. Do you think Barbra Streisand let some guy decide her future? No. Kurt, tomorrow you’re going to that Gap and you’re going to inspect the competition. Harness that pain that you’re feeling and put it into your performance. You’re always passionate but with this much emotion behind you Blaine can’t help but notice you.”

Kurt smiled. “Thank you.”

“What are friends for?” Mercedes hugged him tightly; hoping things would work out for her best friend.

**K/B**

“There he is.” Blaine nodded towards the guy who was currently folding up sweaters. “Jeremiah. If we got married I’d have a 50% discount. God, I can’t do this.”

“Come on, man up,” Kurt encouraged him, despite the fact that his heart was breaking. “You’re amazing. He’s going to love you.”

Blaine nodded, stepping towards Jeremiah. He forced his stomach to unknot itself as he began to sing. "When I Get You Alone" probably wasn’t the best song choice, but Kurt hadn’t cared enough to try to sway Blaine’s opinion.

Kurt was forced to watch on in horror as Jeremiah repeatedly walked away from Blaine, who didn’t seem to get the picture. He kept advancing towards Jeremiah, not backing down. Kurt sang along half-heartedly. At least it appeared Jeremiah wasn’t interested, but then again, who isn’t interested in Blaine? Jeremiah was probably just playing hard to get.

Kurt rubbed his thighs together, needing to feel the sting as his pants rubbed against his wounds. He had removed his bandages to allow himself to feel the most pain. He kept pushing against his wounds until the song finally ended. Blaine asked Kurt to wait with him outside, and of course Kurt was unable to tell Blaine no to anything.

When Jeremiah finally appeared, he chewed Blaine out. Kurt wanted to beat the other boy into a pulp. How dare he hurt Blaine? Perfect Blaine, who looked like someone had kicked his puppy.

“Nobody here knows I’m gay!” Jeremiah exclaimed angrily. Obviously he wasn’t quite ready to leave the closet.

Kurt wanted Jeremiah to hurt like he was hurting Blaine. He couldn’t stop himself from speaking. “Can I be honest? Just with the hair – I think they do.”

Insulting Jeremiah hadn’t helped the situation any, but it sure made Kurt feel better. Blaine didn’t react at all to Kurt’s interjection, proving how broken the boy truly was.

“We got coffee twice, Blaine. We’re not dating. We never were. And if we were it would be illegal because you’re underage.” Jeremiah walked off without another word.

Blaine didn’t speak the entire car ride back to Dalton. Once back at the school, he escaped to his dorm room. Clearly he needed to be alone. Kurt did too. He hated seeing Blaine hurting. He hated not being able to fix it. If he was perfect he’d be able to protect Blaine from any hurt. He’d be able to fix it.

Kurt locked his room door behind him. He turned the shower on and stripped, allowing the water to warm before he climbed in. When he did, he had his razor in hand. Kurt ran the blade across his stomach, feeling stronger instantly.

**K/B**

“Ugh, I wish Valentine’s Day was over.” Blaine scowled at the pink decorations. “I don’t think I’ve ever made that big of a fool of myself. I can’t believe I made the whole thing up in my head.”

Kurt had been surprised when Blaine asked if he wanted to grab a cup of coffee at the Lima Bean, but of course he had said yes. He knew one day was too soon to hope that Blaine was over Jeremiah, but he found himself hoping anyway. He wanted Blaine to be happy, but he wanted him to be happy with him.

“I have to ask you something, because we’ve always been completely honest with each other.” Kurt took a deep breath, drawing on all his strength. The strength he had accumulated throughout the week in his many cutting binges. He couldn’t ever lie to Blaine about anything. He never kept anything from Blaine, except for his cutting. “We hang out, we sing flirty duets, and you know my coffee order. Was I supposed to think that that was nothing?”

“What do you mean?” Blaine frowned at him.

“I thought the guy you wanted to ask out on Valentine’s Day was me.” Kurt looked Blaine in the eye, wondering if Blaine honestly hadn’t noticed anything between the two of them.

“Wow. I really am clueless.” Blaine was shocked. He had never considered Kurt in that way before. “Look, Kurt. I always pretend like I know exactly what I’m doing. But I don’t. I’ve never been in a relationship before.”

“Me neither,” Kurt admitted.

“Let me be really clear about something. I really, really care about you, Kurt. I’m just not very good at romance, as I showed you yesterday. I don’t want to screw this up.”

“So it’s like _When Harry Met Sally_ but I get to be Meg Ryan?” Kurt asked, trying to laugh the entire thing off.

“Didn’t they get together in the end?” Blaine asked.

Kurt didn’t answer, moving up to the cash register to place his order as well as Blaine’s.

“You know my coffee order?” Blaine asked as Kurt moved away from the register to wait for their drinks.

“I think I know what we can do for Valentine’s Day.” Kurt ignored Blaine’s question. He excused himself, saying he was going to call Mercedes. Instead, he went to the bathroom. He entered the stall the furthest away from the door. He was glad he had his messenger bag with him. Kurt had started to carry a razorblade around with him since he had the flashback in the hallway at Dalton. Just in case he needed it and wasn’t near his dorm room, that way he could be strong anywhere, no matter what.

Kurt pulled his sleeve up, pressing the blade against his skin. He sliced into his flesh, knowing he was moments away from losing all of his strength. He felt bad for leaving Blaine to hurt himself in the bathroom, but he didn’t know what else to do. He had to stay strong. He couldn’t lose face in front of Blaine. Especially not now.

When he was done he wrapped an ace bandage around his arm for easy clean-up. He tugged his sleeve back down before he hid his razor once more, saving it for another day. Kurt fired off a quick text to Mercedes, knowing she would spread his idea as quick as anyone else. This way Kurt hadn’t really lied to Blaine. He had contacted Mercedes, just not immediately.

Mercedes answered less than a minute after Kurt had sent her the text. He exited the bathroom, feeling better about his circumstances.

**K/B**

Kurt couldn’t keep himself from smiling as he looked out at all of his New Directions friends in the audience. For once, he didn’t feel alone.

“Happy Valentine’s Day everyone!” Kurt spoke loudly into the microphone. “Whether you are single with hope, or madly in love and are here because I forced you to come out and support me, sit back and enjoy. And to all the singles out there, this is our year.”

He slipped back into his spot in the Warblers formation. The group began the background vocals immediately.

_I love you._

_I can’t explain the feeling’s plain to me, so can’t you see?_

_How can I tell you about my loved one?_

Blaine broke apart from the group, lead soloist as usual. For once, Kurt wasn’t jealous of the attention focused on his best friend. He wanted Blaine to be happy more than anything. And he knew if one thing made Blaine happy, it was performing.

_You’d think that people would have had enough of silly love songs._

_But I look around me and I see it isn’t so._

Blaine strode off the stage, standing behind the booth where Mike, Tina, Mercedes, and Rachel sat. He sang the next line before continuing to wander around the room.

_Some people wanna fill the world with silly love songs._

_And what’s wrong with that?_

_I’d like to know, ‘cause here I go again._

He made his way back up to the stage, standing next to Kurt in formation. Kurt smiled at Blaine, truly happy for the first time in months. And he couldn’t help but notice how Blaine looked at him when he sang the next line.

_I love you (I love)_

_I love you (I love)_

Kurt forced the hope that had entered his heart back. He couldn’t get his hopes up, not again. Not so soon after the first time. He was glad when the choreography forced him to move away from Blaine. He didn’t want to think about this anymore.

_Love doesn’t come in a minute (Doesn’t come in a minute)_

_Sometimes it doesn’t come at all (Doesn’t come at all)_

_I only know that when I’m in it (Only know when I’m in it)_

_It isn’t silly (at all), love isn’t silly (at all), love isn’t silly at all, not at all_

And then Blaine was standing next to him again. Kurt couldn’t help but laugh at the silly expression on his face, which caused Blaine to laugh in turn. It was like nothing had ever happened between the two of them. Like Blaine hadn’t made a fool of himself in front of Jeremiah, and Kurt hadn’t done the same in front of Blaine.

Kurt broke away from the group to hug Mercedes and Rachel. If it weren’t for them, he never would have gone to the Gap Attack in the first place. And now he and Blaine were back to normal. He pointed right at Mercedes as he backed away, singing the next line.

_I love you_

_I love you (I can’t explain the feelings plain to me, so can’t you see?)_

_I love you (I can’t explain the feelings plan to me, so can’t you see?)_

_(How can I tell you about my loved one?)_

The song drew to a close, and the room filled with applause, cheers, and laughter. Kurt was glad the week was over. It had been a hard one. But he knew if he kept going he would finally reach his goal. He would be perfect.


	6. Chapter 5:  Comeback

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I have decided I’m going to try to post once a week, instead of as often as I have been. This way, I should be able to accumulate some chapters so you won’t have to wait for me to write one if I don’t have it ready. I still haven’t decided how long this is going to go before I veer off canon, but I’m almost certain it will abandon canon at some point. After all, it is fanfiction.
> 
> This chapter would take place during the “Comeback” episode. As neither Kurt nor Blaine was in that episode, it doesn’t really make much of a difference.
> 
> Warning for this chapter: None
> 
> Spoilers for: 2x13 - Comeback
> 
> Disclaimer: I do not own Glee. The song “Vincent” is owned by Don McLean.

Chapter Five: Comeback

Kurt wiped his tears away, staring at the closed door before him. It was long after curfew, but Kurt didn’t care. He had had another nightmare. If it weren’t for his stupid promise to Blaine, he wouldn’t even be here. He had promised Blaine he’d call him whenever he had a nightmare. But tonight, Kurt needed to _see_ Blaine. He needed to feel Blaine’s arms around him, holding Kurt together when he wasn’t capable of doing so himself.

And that brought Kurt to where he was now, standing outside Blaine’s door. Now he wished he was back in his room with his razorblade. He hadn’t been prepared to find Blaine’s light on. If the boy had been asleep, Kurt could have used it as an excuse to leave and find solace in his razor.

The light shining underneath Blaine’s door mocked Kurt. He took a deep breath, drawing on all of his remaining strength, and knocked lightly on the door.

Kurt heard movement within the room and several seconds later the door opened to reveal Blaine, dressed only in a pair of sweatpants. Kurt froze. He wanted to flee more than anything, rather than admit to Blaine how weak and imperfect he was. He forced his tears back.

“Kurt? What’re you doing here? It's past curfew. Kurt?” Blaine repeated.

Kurt hadn’t been listening, too busy fighting with himself. He blushed, surely now Blaine thought he had lost his mind. He replayed Blaine’s question in his head. Remembering why he was there, Kurt bit back a choked sob as several tears escaped.

“Oh, Kurt,” he sighed. Blaine pulled him into his arms. And Kurt was clinging to Blaine, body shaking as more choked sobs tore through his body. He buried his head in Blaine’s bare shoulder, finally allowing himself to let go of his emotions.

Then he was moving backwards, following Blaine as he led him to his bed. Kurt curled himself into Blaine’s side, burrowing deeper into his arms. Blaine didn’t speak. He didn’t ask what had upset Kurt so badly. That could wait for tomorrow. For now, he held Kurt tightly, letting him borrow his strength.

**K/B**

Kurt’s skin felt dry when he woke up the next morning. His head pounded furiously. As he awoke, he became aware of other things. A strong arm was wrapped around him, holding him against a bare chest. Kurt panicked, falling out of the bed with a shriek.

“Huh? What’s wrong?” a voice asked groggily.

That was when the events of the previous night flooded back to Kurt. His eyes widened. He had let himself be weak in front of Blaine again. Why did he ever agree to call Blaine if he had nightmares? Blaine sat up, looking over the side of the bed to see Kurt on the ground. Kurt didn’t know what he expected Blaine to do, but he certainly didn’t expect the boy to start laughing.

“What’s so funny?” Kurt asked grumpily from the floor.

“You,” Blaine answered, gasping for breath in between peals of laughter. Kurt crossed his arms, waiting for Blaine to be finished. Finally, Blaine composed himself. “I’m sorry. It’s just, you obviously forgot I was here and screamed, but you didn’t when we first had a sleepover.”

“I wouldn’t call it a sleepover.” Kurt still didn’t see the hilarity of the situation.

“I’m sorry,” Blaine repeated. He reached out a hand and pulled Kurt up onto the bed. “We need to talk.”

“I know.” Kurt sighed. He had known this would happen when he came here last night. But he had to see Blaine, and any confrontation in the morning was worth the comfort he received in his arms the night before.

“Have you thought about talking to a guidance counselor?” Blaine asked.

“Yes,” Kurt lied. He couldn’t tell anyone what was going on. The only reason Blaine knew was he had walked in on Kurt having a nightmare. “I’m going to go talk to Mrs. Dilworth soon.”

“I wish I knew how to help you, Kurt. I really do. But all I can do is tell you that you’re not as alone as you think you are. And I know you feel alone, because I did too when I was bullied.” Blaine paused, uncertain. “You’re so strong, Kurt. I hate seeing you in so much pain.”

“I’m not strong,” Kurt whispered without thinking. He hoped Blaine hadn’t heard him, but he did.

“You don’t see yourself very clearly, then. Go get dressed. I want to show you something.”

Kurt listened, disappearing into his dorm room. When he returned to Blaine’s room, the other boy was also dressed, waiting for him.

“Where’re we going?” Kurt asked nervously.

“I want to tell you exactly how I see you, but I need a piano.” Blaine took Kurt’s hand, leading him to the choir room.

“Why?” Kurt asked.

“So I can sing to you, silly.” Blaine smiled at him.

Kurt’s heart skipped a beat. He loved listening to Blaine sing. When they first met and Blaine sang “Teenage Dream”, it was like Blaine had been singing straight to him. Now that Blaine was actually going to sing to him, Kurt couldn’t help but hope Blaine’s feelings towards him were changing. But of course that was preposterous. Kurt wasn’t perfect, and Blaine deserved nothing less than perfection.

Once in the choir room, Blaine led Kurt over to the piano. He didn’t drop his hand until they were both sitting on the piano bench. Blaine looked straight at him as he began to play. Then, he began to sing.

_Starry, starry night_

_Paint your palette blue and grey;_

_Look out on a summer’s day_

_With eyes that know the darkness in my soul._

Kurt knew the song well. He just didn’t understand why Blaine was singing it to him. The song was about an exceptional man who took his own life. Kurt was anything but exceptional. Still, he listened while Blaine sang to him, not wanting to interrupt the precious moment.

_Shadows on the hills;_

_Sketch the trees and the daffodils;_

_Catch the breeze and the winter chills_

_In colors on the snowy linen land._

Blaine looked up from the keys to gaze deep in Kurt’s eyes. Blaine’s voice was so beautiful, and the song so moving that Kurt had to fight back tears. It seemed like he broke down at the simplest thing these days. He didn’t want to ruin this moment with his tears.

_Now I understand what you tried to say to me;_

_How you suffered for your sanity;_

_How you tried to set them free._

_They did not listen; they did not know how._

_Perhaps, they’ll listen now._

Blaine knew this probably wasn’t making sense to Kurt. But it seemed so perfect for the moment. After all, Vincent Van Gogh had been very misunderstood; as was Kurt, if you didn’t take the time to get to know him. Vincent was also a genius, an exceptional human being. The same was true for Kurt.

_Starry, starry night;_

_Flaming flowers that brightly blaze;_

_Swirling clouds in violet haze_

_Reflect in Vincent’s eyes of china blue._

Blaine raised his head to meet Kurt’s eyes once more. They often changed color, but today they were a crystal blue. They were always beautiful, no matter if they were green, or grey, or blue. But today they were such a clear color of blue, and they were even more beautiful than usual. Maybe it was because they had been filled with tears and pain the night before, and now that was gone. Blaine hated to see his best friend in pain.

_Colors changing hue;_

_Morning field of amber grain;_

_Weathered faces lined in pain_

_Are soothed beneath the artist’s loving hand._

Blaine wanted to take Kurt’s pain from him. He wanted to take his past and make it disappear. But he knew all he could do was help him cope with it, and learn how to live with it. Kurt was so strong, he just didn’t see it. He let his eyes drop back to the keys when he began to replay the chorus.

_Now I understand what you tried to say to me;_

_How you suffered for your sanity;_

_How you tried to set them free._

_They would not listen; they did not know how._

_Perhaps, they’ll listen now._

Kurt found himself wishing this moment would never end. Here was the boy of his dreams, serenading him with a beautiful song. Kurt was powerless to do anything but sit and listen. And that was all he wanted to do.

_For they could not love you,_

_But still your love was true._

_And when no hope was left in sight_

_On that starry, starry night,_

_You took your life, as lovers often do._

_But I could have told you, Vincent._

_This world was never meant for one_

_As beautiful as you._

Blaine meant every word that he sang, though the relevance was not immediately obvious. He would take the time to explain that to Kurt later. For now, he let himself feel as he sang.

_Starry, starry night;_

_Portraits hung in empty halls;_

_Frameless head on nameless walls_

_With eyes that watch the world and can’t forget._

Blaine knew that Kurt would never forget his past. That was impossible. Blaine couldn’t forget his own past, no matter how much he sometimes wished he could. But in the end, he knew it was better to remember than to forget. Because by remembering, he found his strength.

_Like the strangers that you’ve met._

_The ragged men in ragged clothes;_

_The silver thorn of bloody rose;_

_Lie crushed and broken on the virgin snow._

_Now I think I know what you tried to say to me;_

_How you suffered for your sanity;_

_How you tried to set them free._

_They would not listen; they’re not listening still._

_Perhaps, they never will._

Blaine played the last chords slowly, not ready to break the spell. Kurt looked happy for the first time in weeks. He didn’t want to take that away from him. He finally pulled his hands away from the keys, turning to look at Kurt.

“That probably didn’t make sense,” he admitted.

Kurt blushed. “It was beautiful.”

“Thank you.” Blaine drew in a deep breath. “Vincent Van Gogh was unique. There will never be another person in this world like him. And you’re unique too, Kurt. I could look all over the Earth and I would never find someone else like you; someone as strong as you, as caring as you. Your past is painful, but you’re learning to deal with it. You tried to get help at McKinley and the school let you down. But asking for help proves how strong you are. Even Vincent didn’t ask for help. He gave up. You know what my favorite part of that song is?”

Kurt shook his head.

“’This world was never meant for one as beautiful as you,’” Blaine quoted. “You’re beautiful, Kurt, inside and out. You’re unique. You’re your own person. Some people aren’t able to understand that, and people are afraid of what they don’t understand. But that doesn’t make you any less beautiful or special. And people may not always listen to you, but you’re never alone. You’ll always have me. Right now, the world doesn’t realize how much it needs you. But one day, it will.” Blaine reached for Kurt’s hand. “That’s how I see you.”

Kurt was unable to thank Blaine. So he thanked him the only way he could, by embracing him tightly. Kurt knew he was far from perfect, but in that moment, he felt like he was.


	7. Chapter 6:  Blame It on the Alcohol

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I’ve decided to post a chapter of this fic every Monday. If for some reason I’m unable to post one Monday, which is probable as I’m a college student, I will post as soon as I possibly can. Thank you to everyone who reviewed, or marked this for a story alert or as a favorite story. If you did all three you are totally awesome! This episode takes place during the “Blame It on the Alcohol” episode.
> 
> Warning for this chapter: self-harm, language
> 
> Spoilers for: 2x14 - Blame It on the Alcohol
> 
> Disclaimer: I do not own Glee. Any quotes that I borrowed from the show belong to Ryan Murphy, Fox, and the Glee writers. I’m only borrowing them. The song “Breathe Me” belongs to Sia.

Chapter Six: Blame It on the Alcohol

Kurt’s phone rang. He glanced at the caller ID, sighing when Rachel’s picture appeared on the display. He wasn’t sure that he wanted to talk to her, but answered anyway.

“Hello.”

“I’m throwing a party,” Rachel offered as a greeting.

“Wait, what?” Kurt raised an eyebrow. Rachel Berry was not the party-girl type. She was the stay-at-home-and-watch-Broadway-musicals-with-her-gay-friend type.

“My dads are out of town and I’m throwing a party.” Rachel paused before she added, “With alcohol.”

“And the fact that you added that as an afterthought doesn’t tell you it’s a bad idea? A very bad idea,” Kurt said. He had never seen Rachel drunk, nor did he want to.

“I’m tired of being so boring. I need to live a little.” Rachel was clearly put out by Kurt’s response to her party.

“And drinking massive amounts of alcohol is going to help you achieve what exactly? You can live without throwing a kegger.”

Of course, Blaine chose that moment to enter Kurt’s dorm room. He perked up when he heard Kurt say ‘kegger.’

“Who’s throwing a party?” Blaine asked, clearly interested.

“Rachel,” Kurt answered.

“Yes?” Rachel asked, still on the phone.

“No, I was talking to Blaine. Listen, Rachel, this is a bad idea. Are you doing this as some pathetic excuse to win Finn back?” Kurt knew Rachel, and he knew she was getting desperate when it came to her attempts to conquer Finn’s heart once more.

“No, Kurt, I’m not. This week is alcohol awareness week, and I’ve never had a drink. What does that say about me?” Rachel asked, seriously.

“It says that you clearly don’t know what alcohol awareness week is about,” Kurt replied. Blaine leaned his head next to Kurt’s, trying to hear what Rachel was saying.

“Please, Kurt. Come to my party,” Rachel pleaded.

Blaine grabbed the phone out of Kurt’s hand before he could protest. “Hey, Rachel, it’s Blaine. We’ll be there. When is it?”

Kurt groaned loudly as Blaine wrapped up the conversation with Rachel. He held in his outburst until after Blaine had hung up.

“Why did you do that? Why?” Kurt frowned at his best friend.

“We’ve been so busy preparing for regionals. We need a break.” Blaine handed Kurt’s phone back to him.

“This is not going to end well.” Kurt pocketed the phone, shaking his head.

“You don’t know that. Come on, live a little.” Blaine patted Kurt on the back before leaving the room.

**K/B**

“I’m so glad you came!” Rachel squealed when she opened the door to reveal Kurt and Blaine. Kurt hugged her briefly; he still had a bad feeling about tonight. He stepped out of the way so Rachel could greet Blaine as well. “The party’s downstairs in the Oscars viewing room.”

Kurt and Blaine exchanged an amused look before they followed Rachel down to the basement.

“Are you having fun, Quinn?” Rachel asked the blonde as they stepped into the room.

“Yeah, awesome party,” she answered sarcastically. Quinn glanced back to where Santana and Sam were currently attached at the lips.

“Great.” Rachel beamed, clearly not hearing the sarcasm in Quinn’s voice. She led Kurt and Blaine over to the bar, where she handed them each two slips of paper. “These are drink tickets. You get two each, to make sure things don’t get too wild. We’re serving wine coolers tonight.”

Blaine bit his lip to keep from laughing, instead smiling and thanking the girl before he chanced a look at Kurt. This was clearly a mistake though, because the look on Kurt’s face sent the laughter bubbling out of Blaine. Rachel was too busy arguing with Puck about breaking into her fathers’ liquor cabinet to notice, thankfully. In the end, Puck won, though only after Brittany, Artie, Mike and Tina had attempted to leave the festivities.

That was when the party started heating up. Everyone was clearly intoxicated, except for Finn and Kurt. Kurt approached his step-brother, watching in amusement as Blaine’s dance moves grew more ridiculous in nature.

“Why aren’t you drinking?” Kurt asked. He had expected Finn to be up for a party as much as anyone else in New Directions.

“I’m the designated driver,” Finn answered. “Why aren’t you?”

“I’m still trying to impress Blaine, who clearly does not have the same concern.” Kurt didn’t have time to explain further as Blaine wandered over to the pair. He flung an arm around Finn’s shoulders, using the taller boy to keep himself upright.

“It’s so great, that you and Kurt are brothers. Brothers!” he babbled.

“Yeah,” Finn said, trying not to laugh. “Really great.”

Kurt led Blaine away as Rachel approached. He really didn’t want to hear whatever intoxicated confession she was sure to make to her former boyfriend. Blaine attempted to dance with Kurt, but after he almost fell over twice, Kurt forced the boy to sit down.

“Let’s play Spin the Bottle!” Rachel yelled. Everyone in the room cheered the idea, except for Finn and Kurt.

Kurt joined the circle anyway, mainly to keep an eye on Blaine. The boy’s inhibitions had clearly left the room long ago, as had most everyone else’s. He laughed when Rachel spun the bottle and it landed on Blaine. Surely Blaine would refuse, he was gay after all. Instead, he was shocked when Blaine kissed Rachel back, appearing to enjoy it. Kurt felt his heart break as Blaine’s lips moved against Rachel’s.

“Okay, I think we’ve had enough of that.” Kurt pushed the two apart, unable to watch any longer.

“Your face tastes awesome,” Rachel announced, laughing loudly. “I think I just found my new duet partner!”

Kurt forced his tears back as Rachel pulled Blaine to his feet and over to the stage. He couldn’t bear listening to them sing “Don’t You Want Me, Baby” for longer than a few seconds. He wandered over to where Finn was watching the pair.

“Can you keep an eye on Blaine for a second?” Kurt asked, not wanting to leave his best friend to his own devices, no matter who he had just kissed.

“Sure.” Finn nodded.

“Thanks. Just try to make sure he doesn’t dismember himself or anyone else.” Kurt tried to laugh at the situation, but failed miserably. He hurried away before Finn could offer any words of comfort. Even he could tell his step-brother was unhappy.

Kurt found his messenger bag before fleeing to the bathroom. He locked the door behind him, putting his bag on the counter next to the sink. He slid his razorblade out of its hiding spot. Seeing Blaine kiss Rachel had only reminded him of his imperfection. Clearly, Blaine would rather date a girl than be with Kurt. A single tear rolled down his cheek as Kurt pulled his shirt up and brought the blade down to his stomach. Again and again, he repeated the movement until he didn’t feel the emotional pain any longer, just the physical. Then he found his ace bandage, noticing the bloodstains on the fabric. He would need to bleach it in case anyone found it. But for now, he wrapped it around his waist, glad he had found an extra-long one. Kurt pulled his shirt back down and returned his razor to its hiding place.

When Kurt finally exited the bathroom he was shocked to see half an hour had passed. It seemed the party was over, as most of the glee club had passed out around the room. Kurt approached Finn nervously, not sure if the boy had noticed how long he had been gone.

“There you are. I was beginning to wonder if you had left,” Finn said with relief when he saw Kurt. He looked extremely awkward, with an arm around Blaine, who looked like he would collapse without the support.

“Are you ready to go, Blaine?” Kurt asked, maneuvering the boy so he was now supported by Kurt, letting Finn escape.

“No! This party is _so_ great,” Blaine exclaimed drunkenly.

“Well, the party is over.” Kurt turned back to Finn. “I’m going to take him back to our house. He can’t drive like this. Since we rode together I’ll just drive his car.”

“All right. I’m going to get Puck home and probably stay there tonight to keep an eye on him,” Finn told his step-brother.

“Okay. Drive safe,” Kurt replied.

He had to manhandle Blaine to get him up the stairs and into his own car, but somehow he managed. He again got the boy up a flight of stairs once they reached Kurt’s house. He threw a pair of his own pajamas at Blaine and instructed him to change while he changed in the bathroom. He figured it was probably safe to change in front of Blaine now because he was so drunk he probably wouldn’t notice his scars and wounds, nor would he remember it the next day. But intoxicated or not, he didn’t want anyone to see what he did to himself, especially Blaine.

Kurt stripped off his clothes, tossing them into the clothes hamper. He unwrapped the ace bandage from around his waist; he was a little concerned when he saw the wounds were still bleeding. He pulled gauze and medical tape out from under his sink and wrapped his wounds tighter than before. Then he slipped into a clean pair of pajamas before going back into his bedroom.

Blaine had managed to get into the pair of pajama pants, but was having less luck with the shirt. Kurt sighed to himself before he went to him, knocking Blaine’s hands out of the way before he managed to tear off the buttons.

“Here, let me.” Kurt buttoned up the shirt, making sure he didn’t touch Blaine’s bare chest. He then helped the boy into bed. He pulled the covers up over Blaine before climbing into bed, making sure to keep a considerable amount of distance between the two of them.

This wasn’t the first time they had shared a bed. The first two times they were both sober, and Kurt had had emotional breakdowns following particularly nasty nightmares. Of course, last time Kurt woke up to Blaine spooning him and screamed. But he was certain tonight Blaine would keep on his side of the bed. Kurt wouldn’t be surprised if Blaine was too disgusted to even look at him. And after Blaine had played “Vincent” for him, telling him how he was beautiful inside and out. Clearly, Blaine had been appeasing him, lying to him.

Kurt stifled a sob, pushing against his new wounds on his stomach to keep himself strong. He rolled over onto his side, staring at the wall. It would be several hours before he found peace in sleep.

**K/B**

Kurt woke first the next morning. He knew Blaine would have a raging headache when he woke, so he made sure he had Advil and a glass of water available on the bedside table before beginning his moisturizing routine. He had neglected to perform it the night before, and now he was regretting it as his skin felt dry.

“Hey, Kurt, I need your help with these eggs,” Burt yelled up the stairs.

“I’ll be down in a minute,” Kurt answered, continuing to rub the moisturizing cream into his forehead.

“How do you poach an egg?” Burt called out, his voice closer this time.

Kurt turned around just as his father entered the room. Of course, Blaine had to choose that moment to wake up. Grabbing his head, the boy muttered, “Where am I?”

Burt looked conflicted between anger and confusion. He muttered an apology before backing out of the room. Kurt noticed he didn’t close the door back.

“Kurt, why am I in your bed? And why do I feel so-” Blaine cut himself off, his hand flying to his mouth.

Kurt was instantly by his side, trash can in hand. He rubbed Blaine’s back while the boy vomited. Kurt sighed, knowing today was going to be a long day.

**K/B**

Several days passed, but things returned to normal. That is, normal until Rachel called Blaine while he was at the Lima Bean with Kurt. Kurt listened to Blaine’s side of the conversation, not quite understanding what the conversation was about from Blaine’s answers. When Blaine hung up, Kurt looked at him expectantly.

“Rachel just asked me out,” Blaine told him, looking surprised.

“She’s got a girl crush on you.” Kurt couldn’t help it. He laughed. Then he distinctly remembered hearing Blaine agree to something Rachel had said. The smile left his face. “Wait a second, why’d you say yes? You can’t lead her on.”

“Who says I’m leading her on?” Blaine poured sugar into his coffee before further elaborating, stirring his coffee.

“You can’t be serious.” Kurt could feel his heart breaking once more, again from this boy.

“When we kissed . . . it felt good.”

“Because you were drunk. You’re gay,” Kurt said bluntly.

“I don’t know. Maybe I’m not. I’ve never even had a boyfriend before. Maybe I’m bisexual.” Blaine shrugged as if this was every day conversation.

“Bisexual is just a term gay guys use when they want to hold hands with girls, and feel like a normal person for a change,” Kurt spat out.

“And what exactly is a normal person? Look, I don’t understand why you’re so angry.” Blaine was beginning to get defensive.

“Because I admire you. I’ve respected you since the day we met for being out of the closet, and now you’re about to tiptoe back in. This is just very confusing.” Kurt was furious. Blaine had given Kurt someone he could look up to, and now here he was saying that everything was a lie?

“However confusing this is for you, it’s actually much more confusing for me. I’m happy for you, Kurt. You’re one hundred percent sure of who you are. Fantastic. Maybe we all can’t be so lucky.” Blaine got to his feet, gathering his things.

“Yeah, Blaine, I was so lucky to be driven out of my school by a Neanderthal that threatened to kill me.”

“And why did he do that?”

“Because he didn’t like who I was.”

“Which is exactly what you’re doing to me, right now.  I’m just trying to figure out who I am. How can you, of all people, get down on me for that? I didn’t think this is who you were.”

Then Blaine was walking away before Kurt could say anything else. He considered following him, but knew the boy wouldn’t want to see him right now. Kurt bit the inside of his cheek to keep from crying. He couldn’t let his weakness show. Grabbing his belongings, Kurt disappeared into the bathroom.

Kurt entered the stall furthest from the door. He locked the stall door before drawing out his razorblade. He wrenched his sleeve up, pushing the razor in without a second’s hesitation. He pushed it in further, the physical pain not yet enough to block out the mental. He knew the blade had gone in deeper than normal. He knew he wasn’t being as careful as he normally was. But Kurt just didn’t care. He pulled the razor away to inspect the wound before pushing it back in one last time. Finally, he could feel the strength the act gave him. This time, when he removed the blade he saw just how deep he had gone. Kurt found his ace bandage, wrapping it around the wound quickly. He knew he should probably go to the ER for stitches, but then his secret would be found out. Instead, he drove to Dalton as quickly as he could.

Rushing through the hall to his dorm room, Kurt avoided eye contact with anyone. He could feel all the boys’ eyes on him. When he finally made it to his room, Kurt locked the door. He pulled his sleeve up, alarmed to see the blood had seeped through the ace bandage. Kurt carefully removed the bandage. He grabbed his medical supplies out from under his bathroom sink. He placed a butterfly strip across the wound, pulling the skin together. Then he placed three pieces of gauze over that, covering the entire thing with medical tape.

Kurt leaned against the wall, sliding down to the floor. How had things managed to spiral so far out of control? All he had wanted was to be perfect for Blaine, now that goal was further away than it had ever been before. Blaine didn’t even know if he was gay anymore. He was going on a date with Rachel Berry of all people. And in a moment of weakness Kurt might have caused permanent damage to his wrist.

More than anything, Kurt wanted to apologize to Blaine. But not because he was truly sorry, he had meant what he had said. No, he hated Blaine being angry at him more than anything. And now Blaine thought Kurt was intolerant. Kurt hung his head, emotionally exhausted. Tomorrow, he would try to fix things.

**K/B**

Blaine avoided Kurt the next day, not sure what to say to the other Warbler. Kurt forced himself to drive to Rachel’s house that night, knowing that her date with Blaine had been that evening. When she asked him why he was there, he lied saying he had been in the neighborhood. But of course, perfect Rachel Berry saw right through that.

“You want to know how my date with Blaine went,” Rachel stated, throwing some plastic cups into the trash bag she held. “It was lovely.”

“Did you kiss?” Kurt found himself asking, unable to stop himself.

“No. The timing wasn’t right.” Rachel sighed.

“Or the blood alcohol level,” Kurt muttered.

“Look, Kurt, I know you have feelings for him. But Blaine is obviously conflicted. If it turns out he isn’t gay, I would have saved you a lot of heartache.” Rachel dropped to the floor, abandoning her cleaning efforts.

“Then let me save you some heartache, Rachel. Blaine is the first of a long line of conflicted men that you will date that will turn out to be the most flaming of homosexuals. Maybe it seems like you have a lot in common with Blaine, but you will never have chemistry.” Kurt tried to keep his temper in check, barely.

“Fine. I’ll prove it to you. I’m going to kiss him while we’re both completely sober. If the spark is still there, then you will have to admit that you were wrong.”

“I won’t be wrong,” Kurt answered, not feeling as confidant as he managed to sound. He left without another word.

Once in the safety of his car, Kurt pulled out his razorblade. He felt alone now more than ever. He had succeeded in alienating himself from the few friends that he possessed. He pressed the edge of the blade into his right wrist, gasping with the relief it brought him. He put the blade away before he finally left Rachel’s driveway, not looking back.

**K/B**

“Okay, let’s see how this soufflé turned out.” Burt pulled the dish out of the oven.

“You didn’t leave enough room in the dish to let it rise,” Kurt said with frustration. His dad would never get cooking down, and frankly Kurt wasn’t in the mood to try to teach him today.

“What’s wrong with you?” Burt asked, turning to his son.

“Nothing. I’m sorry. I’ve just been fighting with Blaine.” Kurt sat at the table, not looking at his father.

“Blaine, huh? Speaking of Blaine, we need to talk about you being inappropriate in my house.” Burt sat opposite him.

“Nothing happened. Blaine was too drunk to drive home so I let him sleep over. I was being responsible. I didn’t drink.” Kurt assumed his dad was upset about the underage drinking. He was shocked when his father appeared to not even be aware that drinking had been involved.

“You kids are drinking now? Wait, you know, that’s not the point. The point is Blaine slept over in your room.”

“What, this is about me being gay? What if Finn had a sleepover with Puck? Would that be inappropriate?” Kurt threw the word back in his father’s face.

“This isn’t about you being gay. I accept you for who you are, you know that. But I wouldn’t let a girl sleep over with Finn, either. It’s just not okay,” Burt said.

“Fine. Then I’m sorry. It won’t happen again.” Kurt was anxious for this conversation to be over. He could feel himself weakening and he needed to make himself strong again.

“Thank you.”

Kurt stood up from the table, turning around after he took several steps. “But maybe you could step outside of your comfort zone and educate yourself. That way if I have any questions I could come to my dad like any straight son would.”

He practically ran to his room, locking the door behind him. Kurt put his iPod in its dock, flipping through the list of songs until he found the one he could most relate to at that moment.

_Help, I have done it again._

_I have been here many times before._

_Hurt myself again today_

_And the worst part is there’s no one else to blame._

The lyrics rang true in Kurt’s mind. He had caused all of this. He should have told Blaine he didn’t want to go to the party. He should have told him how he felt calmly, instead of letting his anger get the best of him. But he hadn’t. And now he was alone, except for his razorblade. Kurt knew he was cutting more than ever before, but he also needed it now more than ever before. Even with the whole Jeremiah fiasco, Kurt hadn’t been this desperate to stay strong. So once more, Kurt found himself reaching for his razor, his lifeline.

_Be my friend._

_Hold me, wrap me up._

_Unfold me._

_I am small._

_I’m needy._

_Warm me up._

_And breathe me._

Kurt had already lost his father long before his transfer to Dalton. He couldn’t talk to him anymore. And now he had lost Blaine, his one friend at the school. He was truly alone. He had no friends, except his razorblade. Maybe it was weird to consider an object he was using to harm himself his friend, but his razorblade was always there when he needed it. Unlike his father and Blaine.

If Kurt needed someone to hold him up, he couldn’t depend on anyone else to do it. His razorblade gave him the strength he needed. He wrapped himself up in the comfort it offered to him as it poured into him. He knew he had been selfish in his relationship with Blaine recently. That was why his relationship with the razor was perfect. It was all take, no give. And as he sliced into his skin, he sucked in a shuddering breath.

_Ouch, I have lost myself again._

_Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found._

_Yeah, I think that I might break._

_I’ve lost myself again and I feel unsafe._

Before this week, Kurt had already felt lost. Before this week though, he had been able to find himself each time he broke his skin. This time was different. He could still feel himself breaking. He didn’t feel safe in his own skin. So he sliced into it again.

_Be my friend._

_Hold me, wrap me up._

_Unfold me._

_I am small._

_I’m needy._

_Warm me up._

_And breathe me._

Kurt pushed the blade in one final time, and as the song ended he let the implement fall to the floor. His body shook as he let his tears fall, doing nothing to stop them. He wanted to go to Blaine now more than ever, but knew that was impossible. Instead, Kurt crawled into his bed, not bothering to wrap his wounds. He fell into a fitful sleep, wishing that he had never agreed to go to Rachel Berry’s party.

**K/B**

“There he is,” Kurt told Rachel, nodding in Blaine’s direction.

Kurt had met Rachel at the Lima Bean, knowing Blaine would be there soon after his last class let out. Rachel was still determined to prove that Blaine could be straight. And of course, Kurt had tagged along to torture himself even further.

“Right. I’m just going to go lay one on him.” Rachel stood from her seat, making her way over to Blaine with purpose.

“Hey, Rachel,” Blaine greeted her as she neared him. Then her lips were on his. Blaine was shocked. He pulled back first, stunned. “Wow. Yeah, I’m gay. One hundred percent gay. Thank you so much for clearing that up for me.”

Rachel turned to Kurt. Kurt was surprised to see that she was smiling. “That was amazing. This is songwriting gold. I have to go write. Thank you, Kurt.”

She kissed Kurt’s cheek before practically skipping out of the Lima Bean. Blaine got his coffee from the barista before joining Kurt at his table. They hadn’t fully discussed what had happened, and Kurt knew they needed to.

“I’m sorry,” Kurt started, knowing that he meant it now. “I should have handled things differently.”

“It’s all right. I’ve always been so sure of who I was. I think it’s healthy that I questioned it for once. Now I’m even more sure than I was before.” Blaine stirred his coffee absentmindedly.

“So we’re okay?” Kurt asked tentatively.

“We’re better than okay.” Blaine reached across the table, squeezing Kurt’s hand.

Even though he withdrew his hand, Kurt could still feel the warmth from Blaine’s skin on his. The subject easily turned to the latest Vogue cover. Kurt couldn’t stop himself from hoping that now that Blaine was accepting himself once more, maybe, just maybe, he’d start to view Kurt in a different light.


	8. Chapter 7:  Sexy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Because today is the start of my spring break, I decided to post two chapters this week in celebration. I hope you enjoy them both! Thank you to everyone who reviewed. I enjoyed reading each and every one of them. This chapter takes place during the “Sexy” episode.
> 
> Warning for this chapter: self-harm, mild language
> 
> Spoilers for: 2x15 - Sexy
> 
> Disclaimer: I do not own Glee. “Angel” belongs to Sarah McLachlan. “Lady Marmalade” is also not mine. I only borrowed them. Any quotes that appeared in the show that are in this chapter are also being borrowed.

Chapter Seven: Sexy

Kurt was tossing and turning in his sleep. He was running through the halls at McKinley, trying to outrun Karofsky. It was no use. The jock was always one step ahead of him, and as Kurt rounded a corner Karofsky was already there, waiting. As he ran into Karofsky’s chest, Kurt awoke with a scream. He was shaking as he raced down the hall to Blaine’s room. He didn’t knock, knowing Blaine had started leaving the door unlocked for this very reason.

He was torn between letting Blaine sleep and just slipping into bed with him so he’d feel safe, or waking him up so he could hear his voice. In the end, Kurt’s need to hear his voice won out and he gently roused Blaine from his sleep. Kurt watched as sleep left Blaine’s mind the instant he saw Kurt standing over his bed. Kurt knew their relationship had taken a turn for the unusual, but he found he didn’t care when Blaine threw the covers back and opened his arms to Kurt.

“You’re okay. You’re safe,” Blaine whispered into Kurt’s ear. “No one’s going to harm you. They can’t touch you.”

Blaine pulled Kurt closer to him. He could feel the boy’s shaky breath against his collarbone and the wetness from his tears landing on his skin. With a split second thought, Blaine stopped whispering and began to sing softly.

_Spend all your time waiting_

_For that second chance;_

_For a break that would make it okay._

_There’s always some reason_

_To feel not good enough_

_And it’s hard at the end of the day._

Kurt’s body slowly stopped trembling as Blaine’s voice washed over him. This was what he needed, to allow himself to be weak and seek the comfort of his best friend. He felt safe, lying in Blaine’s arms with his smooth voice washing over him.

_I need some distraction._

_Oh, beautiful release._

_Memories seep from my veins._

_Let me be empty,_

_And weightless and maybe,_

_I’ll find some peace tonight._

Blaine could feel Kurt slowly relaxing against him. He wished he could take all of Kurt’s pain and memories and bear them for the boy. But he knew that wasn’t possible, so until then he would help him find a way to cope with them. And if holding Kurt while he cried made him feel better, then Blaine was going to do just that.

_In the arms of the angel,_

_Fly away from here._

_From this dark cold hotel room,_

_And the endlessness that you fear._

_You are pulled from the wreckage,_

_Of your silent reverie._

_You’re in the arms of the angel,_

_May you find some comfort here._

Before Kurt had started cutting, he had hoped some guardian angel would come rescue him. He was looking for a miracle when he found Blaine, and while he may not have found one, he came pretty damn close. Most guys couldn’t deal with tears, but here Blaine was encouraging him to let go of his feelings. Blaine hadn’t once shied away from Kurt’s emotions. Hell, he’d done quite the opposite, driving to Lima in the middle of the night to comfort the countertenor. Blaine was exactly what Kurt needed when he needed to reach out to someone the most.

_So tired of the straight line._

_And everywhere you turn_

_There’s vultures and thieves at your back._

_And the storm keeps on twisting._

_You keep on building the lies_

_That you make up for all that you lack._

_It don’t make no difference,_

_Escaping one last time._

_It’s easier to believe_

_In this sweet madness, oh_

_This glorious sadness_

_That brings me to my knees._

Kurt didn’t know when he had stopped crying exactly, but with Blaine’s voice soothing his anxiety, he wasn’t surprised that he had. Now he felt exhausted. He was so tired. Tired of the pain. Tired of the fighting. Tired of the trying. He just wanted to escape from everything. He could feel his eyelids drooping, but he fought it. He wanted to hear Blaine finish the song.

_In the arms of the angel,_

_Fly away from here._

_From this dark cold hotel room_

_And the endlessness that you fear._

_You are pulled from the wreckage,_

_Of your silent reverie._

_You’re in the arms of the angel,_

_May you find some comfort here._

_You’re in the arms of the angel,_

_May you find some comfort here._

As Blaine sounded the last note, he noticed how Kurt had relaxed against him completely. His breath was steady against Blaine’s chest, and Blaine knew he was asleep. He knew he would have to talk to Kurt in the morning, maybe bring up the idea of therapy once more. Either way, Kurt needed help to get through this pain. Blaine knew it wouldn’t be easy, having been through bullying himself. But Blaine also knew he would be with the boy every step of the way.

**K/B**

The first thing Kurt became aware of when he woke up was how hard and warm his pillow was. Then he realized it wasn’t a pillow at all, but Blaine’s bare chest. He didn’t panic this time though. He remembered the night before, and even if he hadn’t his pounding head would have tipped him off to the vast amount of tears he had shed.

Kurt lifted his head off of Blaine’s chest. Blaine stirred as the weight lifted off, opening his eyes slowly. Kurt looked at him uncertainly, not sure what to do or say. Blaine yawned widely before smiling.

“Good morning.” Blaine sat up, stretching his arms out above him.

“Morning,” Kurt answered.

“You didn’t wake up screaming this time.” Blaine smiled slyly.

“It appears I’m getting used to this,” Kurt replied. He shifted away from Blaine awkwardly, not as comfortable with their close proximity as Blaine appeared to be.

“Stop it,” Blaine said.

“Stop what exactly?” Kurt asked, raising an eyebrow.

“Stop overthinking things.” Blaine lay down on his side, his head propped up with one hand.

“You expect me not to? I’m lying in bed with you. You’re gay. I’m gay. We’re-”

“We’re best friends,” Blaine cut Kurt off. He didn’t know what Kurt had been about to call their relationship and he didn’t care. Kurt needed to get past this embarrassment.

“Best friends don’t cuddle in their sleep.” Kurt looked away as he said this.

“No one can control what they do in their sleep, Kurt.” Blaine shot him a look.

Kurt sighed. “I’m just not good at this.”

“What?” Blaine asked.

“This,” Kurt repeated, gesturing between the two of them.

“Friendship?” Blaine asked, raising an eyebrow.

“No, not that. Just, I don’t know. Lying here, together, when I’m not crying hysterically.” Kurt looked away again.

“Friends have sleep overs all the time, Kurt. Just think of it that way if you have to. But the way I see it is that I’m helping you get through a hard time. I’m giving you a shoulder to cry on, and there is _definitely_ nothing wrong with that.” Blaine reached out with his free hand and turned Kurt’s head to look at him. “So stop worrying.”

“You’re right. I’m sorry.”

“Apology accepted. Now, get out so I can shower.” Blaine sat up, swinging his legs over the side of the bed.

Kurt laughed. “You get me in bed with you and then kick me out.”

“Hey, _you_ climbed into bed with _me_.” Blaine teased back. Kurt laughed again, glad things had returned to normal.

**K/B**

Kurt had felt ridiculous performing “Animal” next to Blaine. Blaine could look sexy without even trying, and he often did in Kurt’s opinion. Kurt, however, looked like he had walked out of the _Sound of Music_. He had this innocent air about him that he couldn’t seem to get rid of. His embarrassment turned to mortification when Blaine approached him after the song.

“Are you okay? You looked like you were having gas pains.”

Kurt’s face was burning as the smile that had appeared on his face at Blaine’s approach disappeared. “I don’t know how to be sexy. I have about as much sexual appeal and knowledge as a baby penguin.”

“We’ll figure something out,” Blaine assured him.

That was the opposite of what Kurt wanted to hear. He wanted Blaine to tell him that he _was_ sexy, and to not worry if no one else saw it because he did. But of course he didn’t.

“I should go. Homework,” Kurt offered as an explanation as he fled the room. He hated being reminded of his imperfection but it seemed to happen on a daily basis, and all too often around Blaine, who he so badly wanted to be perfect for.

Kurt dumped his bag on the ground, going into his bathroom. He shrugged out of his blazer and his shirt, examining his arms and his stomach. He hadn’t been cutting as much since Blaine had accepted that he was gay, again. But the damage he had done to himself that week remained in the form of scars, mental and physical. He was afraid that if Blaine had been swayed into confusion about his sexuality once, that it would happen again. Kurt was afraid he would never be good enough for the boy.

Sighing, Kurt stripped completely. He then opened his medicine cabinet and got his razorblade from its hiding spot. He looked at his body. He wished he was more muscular, more attractive. But he wasn’t. He was too skinny, too tall. Sure he wasn’t as tall as Finn, but he was just an inch and a half shy of six foot. Yet somehow, he was still invisible.

He was too pale too. His skin couldn’t keep color if his life depended on it, especially his legs. His legs were so white they were practically translucent. It was revolting. Kurt bit his lip to keep from crying at his imperfections, in the same moment bringing the razor down to the inside of his thigh. As the skin broke under the pressure of the razorblade, he felt his strength returning. He slid the blade against his skin two more times, making sure his newfound strength wouldn’t leave him just as quickly as it came.

**K/B**

Kurt was trying to take this seriously, but he felt so damn ridiculous making sexy faces in the mirror with Blaine sitting next to him. He was relieved when Blaine finally told him to stop. Maybe Blaine was ready to give up and leave so Kurt could die of embarrassment in private.

“Kurt, all of your faces look exactly the same. Honestly, you look angry.” Blaine managed to hide his laughter. He knew this wasn’t easy for the other boy, and laughing at him would only make things that much worse.

“I’m sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable.” Kurt stood up, walking a ways away from Blaine before he spun back around. “I don’t know how to be sexy because I don’t know anything about sex. You know, I’ve tried watching _those_ movies, but I just end up getting depressed thinking about what their mothers would think if they saw them. I mean, they were kids once.”

“Well, if it would help, I’d be willing to have a conversation about it. I don’t know everything, but I know enough,” Blaine offered.

Kurt blushed. “I don’t want to know anything.”

“If you don’t know anything, you leave yourself vulnerable, Kurt. What if one day you get into a situation with a guy and then you don’t know what to do?” Blaine asked.

“I don’t plan on getting myself into any situations, Blaine. I prefer romance. That’s why I love Broadway so much. The touch of the fingertips is as sexy as it gets for me,” Kurt said honestly.

“All right. Look, let me try to help.” Kurt opened his mouth to protest but Blaine starting speaking again before he could. “I’m not saying we’re going to talk about it, because it makes you so uncomfortable, but one day you will have to find out. And I don’t want that to be the hard way. So, maybe we can teach you through song.”

Blaine stood up, walking over to where Kurt’s iPod was currently in its dock. He switched it out for his own, scrolling through the lists of songs until he found the perfect one. Kurt couldn’t stop from laughing when “Lady Marmalade” began to play. Blaine danced his way over to Kurt, singing.

_Where’s all my soul sisters?_

_Let me hear ya’ll flow sisters._

Kurt shook his head as Blaine pulled him away from the wall he had been leaning against, forcing him to dance. Somehow, though, he found himself joining Blaine in singing.

_Hey sister, go sister, soul sister, flow sister._

_Hey sister, go sister, soul sister, go sister._

Blaine motioned for Kurt to take the first verse, so he did. He couldn’t believe he was in his bedroom, dancing with Blaine and singing "Lady Marmalade" of all songs. But then again, the two were anything but normal. He couldn’t stop himself from laughing when Blaine sang back up, managing to make it sound soulful.

_He met Marmalade down in old Moulin Rouge._

_Struttin’ her stuff on the street._

_She said, “Hello, hey Joe, you wanna give it a go?” (woah)_

_Giuchie, giuchie, ya ya da da (yeah-ey)_

_Giuchie, Giuchie, ya ya here (here)_

_Mocha Choca latta ya ya (ooh yeah)_

_Creole Lady Marmalade_

Kurt and Blaine then switched, with Kurt singing backup to Blaine. He knew his voice wasn’t quite right for this song, but when Blaine was rolling his stomach like that he found he just didn’t care. Especially when the boy pressed their bodies together as he danced.

_Voulez vous coucher avec moi ce soir? (ah, oh)_

_Voulez vous coucher avec moi? (yeah yeah yeah yeah)_

_He sat in her boudoir while she freshened up._

_Boy drank all that Magnolia wine._

_On her black satin sheets_

_Is where he started to freak, yeah._

Kurt again took over singing the chorus. Blaine seemed to enjoy singing the soulful background lyrics anyway. He was much better at it than Kurt would have been, with his deeper voice. Kurt found himself following Blaine’s lead when it came to the dance moves. He was having so much fun with the song, and dancing with Blaine, that he didn’t even feel ridiculous when he did it. And Blaine certainly didn’t think Kurt looked ridiculous. It appeared Kurt could be sexy as long as he didn’t try.

_Giuchie, giuchie ya ya da da (da da da)_

_Giuchie, giuchie ya ya here (ooh ooh yah yah)_

_Mocha Choca latta ya ya (yaaaa)_

_Creole Lady Marmalade._

_Voulez vous coucher avec moi ce soir? (ce soir)_

_Voulez vous coucher avec moi? (yeah yeah yeah uh)_

Kurt didn’t even attempt to continue singing from the chorus into the rap part. He let Blaine handle that part while Kurt continued to dance around the boy. He wished Blaine had thought of this sooner instead of trying to get him to make faces in the mirror.

_We come through with the money and the garter belts_

_Let ‘em know we got that cake_

_Straight up the gate_

_We independent women, some mistake us for whores_

_I’m sayin’, why spend mine when I can spend yours_

_Disagree? Well that’s you and I’m sorry_

_I’m a keep playing these cats out like Atari_

_High heeled shoes, getting love from the dudes_

_Four bad ass chicks from the Moulin Rouge_

Kurt sang the next two lines, letting Blaine catch his breath for a second. He couldn’t help smiling at his best friend, knowing that if anyone else saw this they would never live it down. But they were having so much fun neither of them cared in the least.

_Hey sisters, soul sisters_

_Better get that dough sisters_

Blaine picked the song back up, twirling Kurt around. Kurt couldn’t believe that this was actually working. He hadn’t thought he could ever be sexy. He was too feminine.

_We drink wine with diamonds in the glass_

_By the case the meaning of expensive taste_

_You wanna Giuchie, Giuchie, ya ya (come on)_

_Mocha Choca latta what?_

_Creole Lady Marmalade_

_(One more time c’mon)_

_Marmalade (ooh)_

_Lady Marmalade (ooh yeah)_

_Marmalade (ooh, hey hey hey)_

Again, Kurt took over from Blaine. The way they switched off was done so easily that it was almost as if they had planned it. But they were best friends; they read each other so easily. He instinctively knew when Blaine needed a second to catch his breath.

_Touch of her skin feeling silky smooth, hey_

_Color of cafe au lait (all right)_

_Made the savage beast inside roar until he cried,_

_More (more) more (more) more (more)_

_Now he’s back home doin’ 9 to 5 (9 to 5)_

_Livin’ the grey flannel life (oh pity)_

_But when he turns off to sleep memories creep,_

_More (more) more (more) more (more)_

_Giuchie, Giuchie, ya ya da da (Da da ahah oh)_

_Giuchie, Giuchie, ya ya here (ooh oh Lord)_

_Mocha Choca latta ya ya (oh oh oohoh)_

_Creole Lady Marmalade_

_Voulez vous coucher avec moi ce soir? (ce soir)_

_Voulez vous choucher avec moi? (all my sisters yea)_

_Voulez vous coucher avec moi ce soir? (ce soir)_

_Voulez vous coucher avec moi? (ooh)_

Again, the boys switched parts. They were both getting tired. The strenuous dancing was catching up to them. But the song wasn’t over yet, and they were having so much fun that neither of them wanted it to end.

_Christina (oh yeah ooh)_

_Pink (Lady Marmalade)_

_Lil’ Kim (hey hey! Uh uh uh uh uh uh uh)_

_Mya (oh oh ooooh)_

_Mount Wallaby_

_Moulin Rouge (oh dadow dadow)_

_Misdemeanor here._

_Creole Lady Marmalade_

_Ooh yes!_

When the song finally came to a close, both boys collapsed on the bed. They lay opposite each other, with their heads together. They were both breathing heavily, trying to control their laughter.

“I can’t believe we just did that,” Kurt managed to say in between ragged breaths and peals of laughter.

“Well, it’s a good thing we’re gay because there’s definitely no denying it now.” This made Kurt laugh even harder than before.

When they had both finally calmed down, Kurt turned to look at Blaine. There was a look in his eyes that Blaine couldn’t quite put a name on.

“Thank you . . . for helping me.”

“Hey, what’re friends for?”

Kurt didn’t answer. He knew he should have been embarrassed with how he was dancing with Blaine, but he wasn’t. Blaine was his best friend. He didn’t judge Kurt, and Kurt didn’t judge him. They just had fun together and that was what mattered. The two boys continued to rest until it got late and Blaine had to leave.

**K/B**

Blaine wasn’t sure that he was doing the right thing, but he didn’t have any other options. He didn’t want Kurt to end up getting hurt because of his innocence. He wanted to protect his best friend, even though he knew that wouldn’t always be possible. That was why he was at Burt Hummel’s garage. He hoped Kurt was at home so he wouldn’t see him and figure out what he was up to.

Blaine was nervous. He didn’t know Burt well, except for what Kurt had shared with him. In fact, he hadn’t been around the man much except for the time he found him hung over in his son’s bed. Blaine was sure this didn’t constitute him as Burt’s favorite person, but he had to talk to him anyway.

“Need any help?” Blaine asked tentatively, approaching the car Burt was currently working on.

“Sure, hand me that carburetor.” Burt instructed. This was clearly a test, and Burt was surprised when Blaine handed him the right part. “How did you know which one it was?”

Blaine spewed out the story of helping his dad rebuild a car before he could stop himself. He knew why his dad had done it, and the reason behind it still hurt. His dad was never judgmental to his face, but Blaine knew that he still hoped his son would wake up and decide he wasn’t gay.

“I’m actually here to talk to you about Kurt,” Blaine changed the subject.

“What about my son?” Burt asked, clearly on edge.

“Kurt is so . . . innocent. He’s amazing and so lucky to have a dad like you. I’ve tried talking to Kurt, about sex. I don’t want him to have to find out the hard way, because he’ll end up getting hurt. But he just won’t talk to me. If something were to happen, if things were to get out of hand, Kurt wouldn’t know what to do. He needs to be able to protect himself. He needs to know _how_.” Blaine paused before continuing. “I know I’m overstepping my ground here. But I thought you should know, so you can talk to him. He won’t listen to me, because he doesn’t have to.”

“You’re right. You are overstepping.” Burt paused, collecting his thoughts. “What do you suggest I do? Read a book, talk to him?”

“The free clinic downtown has some pamphlets. I just don’t want to see my best friend end up hurt because of his lack of knowledge.” Blaine shrugged. “I thought this would help.”

He didn’t know what else to say, so he turned and left. He hoped Kurt wouldn’t find out he had put his father up to this. The boy would never forgive him. Blaine knew this would be humiliating for him, but it was necessary.

Blaine had just about made it out of the garage when he almost got caught. As Blaine left the garage, he caught sight of Kurt. He quickly hid out of sight around the corner. As he peaked out to see where Kurt had gone, he finally got a good look at the boy and his heart got stuck in his throat. He had never seen Kurt looking so disheveled, and honestly it was quite attractive. His hair was a mess, and he had a smudge of grease on his left cheek. He was wearing jeans and a tight long-sleeved shirt. Kurt entered the garage, allowing Blaine to make his getaway. He couldn’t stop thinking about how Kurt had looked. He knew it was wrong, Kurt was his best friend. But for a moment, he wished he had sung to Kurt on Valentine’s Day instead of Jeremiah.

**K/B**

Kurt was shocked when his dad shoved a couple pamphlets into his hand the next day. He looked down at them, shocked to see that they were about sex. Even more than he didn’t want to have this conversation with Blaine, he definitely didn’t want to have it with his dad.

“These are pamphlets I got from the free clinic. You told me to educate myself, so I did.” Burt pushed Kurt into a chair at the kitchen table. Kurt pushed his fingers into his ears, knowing he looked like he was five. But he didn’t care. He had thought he might get out of having this discussion with his dad due to his sexuality. Turns out he was wrong.

Burt sat down across from his son. “I don’t want you to have sex now, wait until you’re thirty and you’re ready.”

Kurt didn’t laugh. Burt sighed.

“I don’t want you to have sex just to have sex. You need to have feelings for your partner before you even consider doing it. Guys think sex is just sex, and it’ll be worse for you because it’s two guys who think sex is just sex. Sex shouldn’t be devoid of emotions. You’re never more vulnerable than when you’re exposing yourself to someone else. Sex is an act of love and it should be filled with love. It means something. It should be used to show your love for someone, to connect to another person. Do you get what I’m saying?”

“Yes.” Kurt nodded stiffly. “You don’t want me to have sex.”

“I want you to be able to experience everything, Kurt. When you’re ready and not a moment before. Don’t throw yourself around like you don’t matter, ‘cause you matter, Kurt.” Burt smiled at his son, and Kurt smiled back.

“Is that it?” he asked.

“For now. I want you to read these pamphlets and if you have any questions come talk to me, all right?”

“Okay. Thank you, Dad.” Kurt grabbed the pamphlets and practically sprinted from the room. He was glad that was over, but also glad that his father cared enough to do this for him. But the entire conversation just made Kurt even more hopeless that he would ever find someone who would want to be with him in that way. At least someone who would honestly care about what it meant to him.

Kurt felt alone. No one would ever want someone like him. He was too feminine, too unattractive, too imperfect. Kurt went to his bathroom, shedding his jeans on the way, and found his razor. He dug the blade into the skin of his thigh. He felt weak for allowing himself these feelings. He used the strength the blade gave him to carefully reconstruct his wall. As long as he kept his wall up, he could be perfect. He could be strong.


	9. Chapter 8:  Original Song

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: This chapter takes place during the “Original Song” episode. We’re finally here! I must say this episode is my second favorite and I was so excited to get to write this chapter. I hope you enjoy it.
> 
> Warning for this chapter: self-harm, language
> 
> Spoilers for: 2x16 – Original Song
> 
> Disclaimer: I do not own Glee. The songs used in this chapter are “Blackbird” and “Cut” which belong to The Beatles and Plumb, respectively.

Chapter Eight: Original Song

When Blaine burst into the choir room singing “Mercy”, Kurt wasn’t surprised. He was well acquainted with Blaine’s impromptu performances, and he enjoyed them. He enjoyed any chance he could listen to Blaine sing. But the way the Warblers instantly jumped in to sing background bothered Kurt.

When the song ended and Blaine approached him, Kurt tried to hide his feelings. He didn’t want to hurt Blaine’s feelings, but he knew he couldn’t lie to him when he outright asked Kurt what he thought about the song.

“I think you’re amazing, Blaine. It isn’t surprising that everyone else notices it too, but you get _every_ solo. I don’t see why there are even tryouts for them.” Kurt hoped he had spared Blaine’s feelings. He really did think the boy was remarkable. Anyone who looked at Blaine and didn’t see that was blind.

“Kurt, you know the council decides who gets the solos. Do I detect a little jealousy?” Blaine raised an eyebrow, not believing what Kurt was saying.

“No, you detect _a lot_ of jealousy.” Kurt paused to gather his thoughts. “When I was in the New Directions, I was always in the background, backing for Rachel and Finn. I don’t feel like that’s changed since I came here. It feels like the Warblers are more like Blaine and the Pips than a group.”

Kurt spun on the balls of his feet and strode away. He couldn’t believe he had just said that to Blaine. Admitting his jealousy was crazy. Surely Blaine thought he was selfish now. Why couldn’t he just lie to Blaine? But Kurt could never lie to him. And now Blaine knew just how imperfect Kurt was.

Kurt hurried to his dorm room, glad it was close by. He dropped his bag on the ground by the door, locking it behind him. He went into his bathroom and found his razor. Why couldn’t he just be perfect? Why was perfection always so far out of his grasp? It was so easy for Blaine.

He pulled his sleeve up, sliding the blade against the skin there. As the blade sliced into his flesh, blood bubbled out. Kurt sighed in relief. He deepened the cut, making sure that he didn’t go _too_ deep. Then he angled his arm downward, watching as the blood flowed down his arm to his hand, running over the crease in his hand. He stood transfixed, watching his blood flow at his own hands.

A knock came at the door. Kurt jumped, wiping the blood off of his wrist and hand with a towel. He turned the water on so the blood in the sink would wash away.

“Just a minute!” he called. Somehow, he knew it was Blaine. Kurt grabbed his ace bandage and wrapped it tightly around his wrist. He hid the towel carefully before he opened the door to greet Blaine.

“Hey, ready to go down to dinner?” Blaine asked, smiling.

“Sure.” Kurt couldn’t help but smile back at him. He closed and locked the door behind him.  Kurt was glad Blaine didn’t ask why it had taken him so long to open the door. That would only lead to more awkward questions. His secret was safe.

**K/B**

Blaine was worried when Kurt didn’t show for the Warblers meeting. He sent Kurt a text, but didn’t receive an answer. He shrugged it off. Kurt had been so tired lately; he had probably fallen asleep and forgotten about the meeting. When Wes called the meeting to order, Blaine brought up the topic of the uniforms they would wear for regionals. They always wore their Dalton uniforms; he thought they should spice it up for something as big as regionals.

Not one person seemed to agree with Blaine. He knew Kurt would. He was just about to text him again when the countertenor strode through the door. He was out of uniform, dressed all in black, and his eyes were red from crying.

“Kurt, what’s wrong?” Blaine asked, getting to his feet. He took two steps towards the boy but Kurt raised his hand, stopping him.

“Pavarotti is dead.” Kurt heard the words leave his mouth, but he still couldn’t believe it was true. He couldn’t help but feel responsible as the canary had been put in his care. Kurt couldn’t even take care of a bird without messing it up.

“I’m so sorry.” Blaine wanted to reach out and hug the boy, but he knew by Kurt’s demeanor that he wouldn’t accept it. Instead, Blaine sat back on the couch, letting Kurt have the spotlight.

“I want to sing a song in his memory.” Kurt handed a tape to Trent. The introduction to “Blackbird” began. Kurt took a deep breath before he began to sing.

_Blackbird singing in the dead of night,_

_Take these broken wings and learn to fly._

_All your life,_

_You were only waiting for this moment to arise._

Kurt wasn’t surprised when the Warblers began to sing backup, but he was surprised that Blaine had led them into doing so. He turned to look at his friend with grateful eyes. He was surprised to see how upset his friend looked. Pavarotti had been Kurt’s bird, his friend even. It made sense for Kurt to be upset over his passing, but not Blaine.

_Blackbird singing in the dead of night,_

_Take these sunken eyes and learn to see._

_All your life,_

_You were only waiting for this moment to be free._

_Blackbird fly, blackbird fly,_

_Into the light of the dark black night._

Kurt walked in a slow circle around the room. He could feel Blaine’s eyes on him, so he turned. What he saw in his best friend’s eyes shocked Kurt. There was so much love in his eyes, that Kurt could only think that he had imagined it. He looked away quickly, but couldn’t help looking back. There it was again. That same look, filled with love and compassion. Indeed, it seemed Blaine had ceased singing as the overwhelming emotions poured into his heart.

Blaine was seeing Kurt as he had never seen him before. Of course there had been moments before when Blaine thought he might have feelings for the boy, but never feelings this strong. He felt like he was looking at the missing link of himself, watching Kurt sing a song to mourn the loss of his animal friend. Instantly, Blaine knew he had to do something. He had to show Kurt how he felt.

_Blackbird fly, blackbird fly,_

_Into the light of the dark black night._

_You were only waiting for this moment to arise._

_You were only waiting for this moment to arise._

“Thank you,” Kurt said as the song ended. He felt alone now more than ever. He had to get away from everyone and back to the safety of his room.

And that was what he did, fleeing the room before anyone could stop him. Kurt practically ran back to his dorm. He locked the door the instant he was in the room, not wanting anyone to interrupt him. Even the smallest death reminded Kurt of his mother’s. He missed her so much. She had been his best friend.

Kurt felt like a knife had been twisted in his heart, slowly pushing in further and further until the pain consumed him. He wished he was at McKinley. There he had friends who would hold him and pat him on the back, telling him it would be okay. He knew if he were to go to Blaine he would do the same for Kurt, but Kurt felt like he was burdening the boy enough as it were. Instead, Kurt turned to the only friend he had left:  his razorblade.

**K/B**

Kurt couldn’t believe the latest turn of events. Blaine had turned down the chance to sing a solo at regionals, instead opting to sing a duet. A duet with Kurt. He didn’t know why Blaine had chosen him, and the answers that came to mind did nothing to make Kurt feel any better. Surely, Blaine chose him out of pity. Poor motherless Kurt who cries when a bird dies because it reminds him of his mother. He was pathetic. And his jealousy had been pathetic.

Kurt focused his attentions on making Pavarotti’s casket as beautiful as his voice had been. He glued another rhinestone to the top, looking up when Blaine entered the room. He pushed all the negative thoughts out of his mind.

“I wanted to propose a song for our duet,” Blaine told him, sitting down.

“Do tell.” Kurt put the glue gun aside.

“’Candles’ by Hey Monday.” Blaine looked like he wanted to say something else, but didn’t.

“I’m impressed,” Kurt teased. “You normally stick with songs off the Top 40s list.”

“Yes, well, I wanted something a bit more _emotional_.”

Kurt tried not to read into the way Blaine emphasized emotional. Instead he distracted himself by asking the question he most wanted the answer to, “Why did you pick me to sing the duet with?”

Blaine took a deep breath, drawing on all of his courage, before he answered. “Kurt, there is a moment when you say to yourself ‘Oh! There you are. I’ve been looking for your forever.’”

Kurt began to breathe a little heavily. And when Blaine reached across the table to take his hand, he was pretty sure his heart stopped.

“Watching you do ‘Blackbird’ this week . . . that was a moment for me . . . about you. You _move_ me, Kurt. Singing this duet together would just be an excuse to spend more time with you.”

Before Kurt could comprehend what was happening, Blaine was moving his head towards his. He was so close. Then their lips met, and an electric shock went through Kurt’s entire body. Blaine’s lips were on his, and his hand was on Kurt’s shoulder. Kurt moved his own hand up to cup Blaine’s cheek, pulling him closer. When they finally broke apart for air, Kurt was stunned.

Blaine looked embarrassed. He turned away before saying, “We should practice.”

“I thought we were,” Kurt said with a laugh.

Then Blaine’s lips were on his again, and Kurt never wanted this feeling to end. In that moment, he felt like he could do anything. He felt worthy of love and affection and so many things he had never felt he deserved. Kurt didn’t know how much time passed before they pulled apart again. But he would forever remember Blaine’s next question.

“Will you be my boyfriend?”

Kurt smiled, still not quite believing this was happening. But it was, and Blaine was waiting for his answer.

“Do you even have to ask?” Kurt asked, throwing his arms around Blaine.

Things were finally beginning to look up for Kurt. He finally felt perfect.

**K/B**

_I shouldn’t be doing this_ , Kurt thought to himself. He stared at the blade in his right hand.

“Why are you making me do this?” he asked, not sure if he was talking to himself or the blade.

It was late, almost three o’clock, and Kurt was still awake. He had been fighting with himself for hours, knowing he shouldn’t even be considering cutting right now. He should be happy, he was with Blaine. He was finally perfect enough for Blaine. But now he had to keep up that perfection. He couldn’t slip, or Blaine would leave him.

Too exhausted to keep up the fight, Kurt gave in. He pressed the blade against his wrist, hissing as it bit into his skin. The pain grounded him, reminding him that he had finally reached perfection. He was strong. He was wanted. For once in his life, someone wanted Kurt Hummel.

Kurt dropped the blade into the sink, exhaustion having caught up to him finally now that he had found release. He knew he should clean up, but he was so tired. He had a single room, so no one would see him. Kurt allowed himself to crawl into bed without taking care of his wounds. He pulled the covers up over his body before falling into a dreamless sleep.

**K/B**

Having only been asleep for four hours, Kurt didn’t hear the knock on his room door. He slept right through it, even when it grew incessant in nature. He didn’t stir.

On the other side of the door, Blaine sighed. He had agreed to meet his boyfriend at seven o’clock so they could rehearse for their duet before regionals. Blaine fished through his messenger bag until he found his key ring. He picked out the key to Kurt’s room, given to him in case of emergencies, and inserted it into the lock. Turning the key, Blaine twisted the door handle, smiling when it opened.

Kurt didn’t hear the door creak as it was pushed open. If he had, maybe things would have turned out differently. But as it happened, he stayed fast asleep.

“Kurt?” a voice asked softly.

He groaned, burrowing further under the covers. The voice wasn’t giving up though. When he heard it again it was closer.

“Kurt, wake up. You missed rehearsal this morning.” The bed sagged under Blaine’s weight as he sat on the edge of it, shaking Kurt gently.

Kurt gasped in pain as his fresh cuts brushed against the mattress. Still groggy from sleep, he couldn’t think straight. The pain caused him to jump up, pushing the sheets away from his body. When he heard Blaine’s sharp intake of breath, he realized what he had just done.

“Kurt,” Blaine breathed.

He tried to fix it. He tried to pull the sheet back over his body, but Blaine was holding it away from him. Kurt had never felt more exposed than he did in that moment as Blaine’s eyes took in every scar, every fresh cut, and every healing wound.

Kurt began to breathe heavily. He needed to get away. He needed to fix this. His airway closed up. He fought for each breath he took. His eyes grew wide as he became more frantic.

“Kurt, breathe. Calm down, come on, you need to breathe. Just breathe,” Blaine said soothingly. He knew he had to remain calm for Kurt; panicking would only make things so much worse than they already were. So he placed a hand on either side of Kurt’s face, stroking his thumb over his boyfriend’s cheekbones. He brushed his lips against Kurt’s forehead, doing anything he could think of to calm him down so he could breathe.

When Kurt finally felt his airways open up again, he avoided looking at Blaine. He drew into himself, wishing he could disappear. Why hadn’t he cleaned up last night? Why had he been so stupid?

“I’m going to get you a glass of water,” Blaine told him, disappearing into the bathroom.

The second Blaine walked through the door to Kurt’s bathroom, he wished he hadn’t. There was blood on the countertop, clearly left over from the night before. And in the sink, was a bloodied razor. Blaine barely managed to hold himself together, knowing he had to for Kurt. Seeing the dried blood on Kurt’s skin had been bad enough, but seeing the instrument that had cut into his boyfriend’s skin, fresh with his blood, was even worse.

Blaine tore his eyes away from the sight. He grabbed the glass from next to the faucet, filling it with water before exiting the bathroom. Kurt hadn’t moved, except to pull the covers back up over his body. Blaine knew he was trying to act like nothing had happened, but this was one time he couldn’t allow Kurt to pretend. Kurt looked so small, sitting there with the covers pulled up to his shoulders.

“Here,” Blaine spoke softly, handing the glass to Kurt.

Kurt looked up slowly. He didn’t want to reach for the glass, knowing Blaine would see his scars again. But he was left with no choice, so he reached out with his right arm, keeping the sheet wrapped around the rest of his body.

“Why?” Blaine finally managed to choke out.

Kurt hung his head, determined not to meet Blaine’s eyes. He was too afraid of what he would find there if he looked. He was unable to do anything but sit and stare at the glass in his hand.

“Why, Kurt?” Blaine repeated, his voice choked with tears.

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry,” Kurt cried, not sure what he was sorry for. He collapsed inwards as the dam holding his emotions broke and his tears began to fall. Blaine wrapped his arms around Kurt the best he could while the boy was curled into a ball.

“It’s okay. It’ll be all right,” Blaine whispered repeatedly into Kurt’s ear until at last he stopped crying. After several moments of silence, Blaine tried a different approach. “When did this start?”

Kurt swallowed the lump in his throat before answering. “The day Karofsky kissed me.”

Blaine sighed, but he didn’t say anything else. Neither of them moved. Finally, Kurt broke the awkward silence. “I had to be strong.”

“Strong for what? What are you talking about? You’re the strongest person I know, Kurt.” Blaine pulled away from the boy, keeping one arm wrapped loosely around his shoulders.

“Cutting makes me strong. It makes it easier for me to be perfect. When I cut, I don’t hurt anymore.” Kurt’s voice was muffled as he spoke into his knees.

“Look at me.” Blaine put a finger under Kurt’s chin, raising his head so he was looking him in the eyes. “You are the strongest person I know, Kurt Hummel. You’ve been through _so_ much. Losing your mom, bullying.” Blaine paused. “I wish you had told me . . . what you’ve been doing to yourself. I could have helped you. I could have helped you find a solution instead of a temporary fix.”

“This is a solution.” Kurt frowned. Cutting was the only way he had made it through the past few months.

“It’s a solution, yes. But only a temporary one. Cutting gives you something to hide behind so you don’t have to feel. But if you don’t feel, Kurt, you can’t heal. Feeling is part of being human.”

“Then maybe I don’t _want_ to be human!” Kurt exclaimed, getting to his feet. He walked to the window, staring out of it. “The past few months of my life have been a complete and total hell. But I found a way to get through them. I couldn’t be the _perfect_ son that my father wanted but I could make myself strong enough to make him proud. I could at least appear perfect where I was nothing but flawed.

“You don’t know how I’ve been living in fear, in darkness. And I found a way out.” Kurt turned back around to face Blaine. “I found a way to live.”

“This isn’t living, Kurt. Don’t you see that? You’re killing yourself.” Blaine stood up too. He didn’t want this to turn into a shouting match, but it seemed Kurt was determined for it to end that way.

“I’m not suicidal, Blaine. I’m always careful.” Kurt glared at the boy, wishing he had never decided to come apologize.

“That’s why you’re bleeding onto your sheets.” Blaine waved a hand in the direction of Kurt’s wrist.

Kurt looked down. He rarely cussed, but he was already so distressed the word just slipped out. “Shit.”

Blaine followed when Kurt raced to his bathroom. He watched as Kurt pulled out gauze, medical tape, and a butterfly strip. He must have ripped the wound back open when his arm had brushed against the mattress. He should have bandaged the cuts last night but it was too late for that regret now.

“Do you need help?” Blaine asked helplessly from the doorway. He needed to do something. He couldn’t just stand there.

“No, thank you,” Kurt answered briskly. He brought the wound up to examine it. Sure enough, it had been reopened.

Blaine’s heart hurt to see the pain his boyfriend had caused himself. There were marks all over his body, both arms, his stomach and his chest. If he had been able to see Kurt’s thighs, he would have found marks there too.

When Kurt was finished, he walked past Blaine and back to his bed. He was so horrified that Blaine had found out, he kept waiting for the boy to turn tail and run. Yet here he was, sitting next to him on his bed. Kurt tried to fight back his tears, but they came anyway. He lay down on his side, staring out the window. He jumped when he felt Blaine’s body press up against him, holding him close to his body.

“What are you feeling?” Blaine whispered, brushing his lips against the back of Kurt’s neck.

Kurt shivered at his touch. He rolled over to face Blaine before answering. “Alone.”

“You’re not alone,” Blaine said, bringing a hand up to run through Kurt’s hair. “You’re never alone. You have me, someone who cares about you very much.”

Kurt didn’t answer, but he pressed his forehead against Blaine’s. He closed his eyes, drawing comfort from Blaine’s presence. He felt Blaine’s lips brush against his own. He opened his eyes, blue-green eyes looking deeply into hazel ones.

“What else helps when you’re upset?” Blaine asked softly.

Kurt didn’t answer immediately, but when he finally did the answer didn’t surprise Blaine. “Singing. It helps being able to pour all of my emotions into something, giving myself completely to the song.”

“Do you want to try it now?” Blaine hoped Kurt would. He needed to find a better way to deal with his emotions, and if he already knew singing helped then maybe that part wouldn’t be so hard. Anything was better than cutting into his own skin with a blade.

“I guess it couldn’t hurt,” Kurt answered.

“Do you have a song in mind?” Blaine asked, sitting up.

Kurt stood, going to where his iPod was in its dock. He scrolled through the song list until he found the one he was looking for. “Yes.”

The song began, and Blaine recognized it instantly. It wasn’t particularly well-known but he had heard it.

_I’m not a stranger._

_No, I am yours,_

_With crippled anger,_

_And tears that still drip sore._

_A fragile frame aged_

_With misery._

_And when our eyes meet,_

_I know you see._

Blaine took that moment to really look at his boyfriend. Kurt still hadn’t put a shirt on, and he wasn’t trying to hide his shame anymore. Blaine looked over his torso, trying not to let Kurt know he was doing so. If he did, the boy would shy away into himself again. But Blaine needed to access the damage he had done to himself. There were so many cuts, some longer and some wider. One particularly bad one on his wrist had healed completely, but you could tell it had been deep.

Blaine wondered how he had missed this. Some best friend he was, when he couldn’t even see that Kurt was a danger to himself. But Kurt hid it so well. He always wore long-sleeved shirts, and he never allowed anyone to see him when he was at his most vulnerable. Then Blaine realized that he never would have found out about the nightmares if he hadn’t walked in when Kurt was having one.

Looking at him now, Blaine could see just how miserable Kurt was. He had known the boy was struggling, but not to what extent. Blaine hated that he hadn’t been able to see what was happening right before his eyes, even if Kurt had been careful to hide it. Blaine should have known something was up.

_I do not want to be afraid._

_I do not want to die inside just to breathe in._

_I’m tired of feeling so numb._

_Relief exists I find it when,_

_I am cut._

Kurt felt a little of the pain leave him as he poured his emotions into the song. It was true. He felt alone, afraid, numb. The only way he knew how to cope with these feelings was to cut. It seemed impossible to feel so much pain at one time, and he feared that such anguish would kill him. He already felt dead inside.

_I may seem crazy,_

_Or painfully shy._

_And these scars wouldn’t be so hidden,_

_If you would just look me in the eye._

_I feel alone here and cold here,_

_Though I don’t want to die._

_But the only anesthetic that makes me feel anything kills inside._

Kurt knew what he did to himself was crazy. That was part of the reason why he didn’t want anyone to find out. But now Blaine knew, and everything was spiraling out of control. Kurt wanted to crawl back inside himself, to forget this had ever happened. He was surprised he had managed to keep his secret this long. He was constantly afraid that someone would find out; he felt like if someone had looked at him close enough they would figure it out. How wrong he had been. He had hid it so well, until Blaine saw him without his shirt. In one moment of stupidity, Kurt ruined everything.

He was surprised when Blaine had said he was killing himself. Kurt had thought about it, yes, but in the end he didn’t want to die. But sometimes, he didn’t want to live. Not wanting to die while not wanting to live was redundant. You couldn’t do both, Kurt knew this. But living hurt so much, while death was so uncertain. So Kurt cut himself, so he wouldn’t have to feel the bad emotions. He cut himself to live.

_I do not want to be afraid._

_I do not want to die inside just to breathe in._

_I’m tired of feeling so numb._

_Relief exists I find it when,_

_I am cut._

_Pain._

_I am not alone._

_I am not alone._

Kurt ignored his tears as they fell. He still felt weak, but he could slowly feel some strength returning to him. Singing had always made him feel better. It just didn’t help as much as cutting, and it wasn’t as instantaneous, but it helped.

_I’m not a stranger,_

_No I am yours,_

_With crippled anger,_

_And tears that still drip sore._

_But I do not want to be afraid._

_I do not want to die inside just to breathe in._

_I’m tired of feeling so numb._

_Relief exists I found it when,_

_I was cut._

As the song ended, Kurt fell apart even further. Blaine was there, pulling him into his arms again. He let Kurt cry on his shoulder until his sobs subsided. Blaine took Kurt’s hand, leading him over to the bed. He lay down on his back, opening his arms to his boyfriend. Kurt moved into Blaine’s arms, resting his head on the boy’s chest. He listened to his heartbeat.

That was when the moment really sunk in. Blaine _knew_. Oh God, he _knew_. Surely he’d run now that he knew. He’d leave Kurt, and then Kurt would really truly be alone. He didn’t notice he had started crying again until Blaine asked him what was wrong. Kurt cried even harder, the sobs shaking his entire body.

“Kurt, please talk to me. I can’t help you if you don’t talk to me.” Blaine rubbed his hand up and down Kurt’s back, comfortingly.

Kurt sat up so he could look at his boyfriend. “It’s just . . . we just got together and now you know, and I can’t – oh _God_ , don’t leave me!”

Kurt flung himself at Blaine, his fingers clenching into the fabric of Blaine’s t-shirt. Blaine was shocked, holding Kurt to him tightly.

“I’m not going to leave you, Kurt,” he said softly in the boy’s ear.

“You’re not?” Kurt asked tentatively, looking up at Blaine.

“No. You’re not just my boyfriend; you were my best friend long before we became boyfriends. I will never leave you, never.”

“You promise?” Kurt’s voice sounded broken, like he was unsure.

“I promise.” Blaine brushed his lips against Kurt’s briefly. “I will never leave you.”

Kurt relaxed against Blaine, his anxieties soothed for the moment. Neither moved for a while, until Blaine glanced at the clock.

“Crap. You need to get ready or we’ll be late and Wes will kill us.” Blaine reluctantly pulled away from Kurt. “Do you want me to leave so you can get dressed in peace?”

Blaine knew him leaving would be pointless, as Kurt was still not wearing a shirt and his secret had already been found out. But he wanted to give Kurt the option. Truthfully, he didn’t want to leave Kurt. Not when he was so vulnerable like this.

“No, you can stay. I don’t want to be alone right now.” Kurt admitted, averting his eyes shyly.

Blaine noticed the way Kurt avoided his eyes. He put his finger under Kurt’s chin, raising his head so he was looking him in the eyes. “Hey, don’t be ashamed to admit how you feel. Especially not to me. I’m not going anywhere. I promise. Now, go get ready.”

Kurt smiled, leaning in to kiss him chastely. He still couldn’t believe Blaine was his, or that Blaine _knew_ and hadn’t high-tailed it in the opposite direction. He knew things had been changed, but as long as he had Blaine by his side, he wasn’t as alone as he felt.

**K/B**

The bus ride to regionals had been nerve-wracking. Kurt had never been more nervous in his life. And all too soon, the bus was pulling up into the parking lot. The next few hours flew by in a blur for Kurt. Before he knew it, everything was over and they were climbing back onto the bus. Once the bus pulled up at Dalton, the boys dispersed.

Blaine followed Kurt into one of the courtyards, where they buried Pavarotti under a tree. Blaine watched Kurt carefully as he smoothed soil over the canary’s casket. When he was done, Kurt stepped back.

“This reminds you of your mom’s funeral, doesn’t it?” Blaine asked softly.

“It does, but it’s not just that. I really wanted to win regionals.” Kurt turned to look at Blaine.

“I know, we all did. But just because we won’t be competing doesn’t mean we won’t perform. There are still nursing homes and hospitals.” Blaine took Kurt’s hand in his. “Anyway, what we got out of this is much better than some dumb trophy. We got each other. So really, we did win.”

Kurt smiled, tugging Blaine over to sit on one of the benches. “Well, when you put it that way it’s hard to be disappointed.”

Blaine laughed but the laughter died with a sigh. “Kurt, we need to talk.”

Kurt looked at him quizzically. “About what?”

“You have to tell your dad . . . about the cutting.” Blaine rubbed his thumb over the back of Kurt’s hand. “You need to speak to a therapist, and your dad needs to know what’s going on with you.”

“He’s going to hate me.” Kurt could feel his strength dissolving as he fought back his tears.

“What? No, he won’t. Your dad loves you, Kurt. More than anything. I know this isn’t going to be easy, but you have to do it. If you want, I’ll go with you.” Blaine offered.

“You will?” Kurt asked, surprised.

“Of course. I told you, you’re stuck with me whether you like it or not.” Blaine bumped their shoulders together playfully.

“Good, because I wouldn’t have it any other way.” Kurt brought their lips together to meet in a sweet kiss.

When they pulled apart, Blaine leaned his forehead against Kurt’s. “So, you’ll talk to him?”

“You’ll go with me?”

“Yes.”

“Then yes.”

Kurt closed his eyes, drawing strength from Blaine’s presence. He knew this wasn’t going to be easy, but he was beginning to feel like he could accomplish anything with Blaine by his side.


	10. Chapter 9:  Night of Neglect

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Thanks to everyone who reviewed! This chapter takes place during the “Night of Neglect” episode. Hope you enjoy!
> 
> Warnings for this chapter: self-harm, suicide
> 
> Spoilers for: 2x17 – Night of Neglect
> 
> Disclaimer: I do not own Glee. “You Are Loved” belongs to Josh Groban. “A Few Small Bruises” belongs to Maria Mena. Any quotes that were in the show that appear in here are being borrowed.

Chapter Nine: Night of Neglect

Kurt led Blaine through the halls of McKinley, reminiscing. He missed his friends so much, and being here hurt more than anything. But when Mercedes had called inviting him to the performance, he couldn’t turn her down. After all, he hadn’t seen his McKinley friends as much since he had transferred to Dalton. And what kind of friend would he be if he didn’t come out to support them?

“You miss it.” Blaine observed, squeezing Kurt’s hand which was clasped in his.

“I do.” Kurt admitted. He led Blaine around a corner, turning to face him. He brought his arms up around his boyfriend’s neck, still not quite believing he could do this now. “But if I had never left McKinley, we wouldn’t be together.”

“That’s not true. We would have found our way to each other eventually. It would’ve just taken longer. We were already close when you transferred.” Blaine pointed out, bringing his hands up to rest on Kurt’s hips.

“You really believe that?” Kurt asked, his eyes shining with some unspoken emotion.

“I do.” Blaine lifted his head up, and Kurt bent his so their lips brushed together.

“What the hell are you two doing here?”

Kurt tore himself away from Blaine when he heard the familiar voice. Fear crept its way up his spine, but he forced it down, ignoring the bitter taste it left in his mouth. He wasn’t about to let this bully drive him away from supporting his friends.

“We’re here for the concert, Karofsky.” Kurt held Blaine’s hand in a death grip, drawing strength from his touch. “I’m going to assume you aren’t here for the same reason.”

“Hell, no. I wouldn’t be caught dead at some _gay_ choir benefit. I was working out when I heard you were here, spreading your gayness.” Karofsky took a step towards the pair.

“Hey, back off.” Blaine stepped forwards, pushing Kurt behind him slightly. “We all know what this is really about. We didn’t come here to tell anyone about you. We came to see Kurt’s friends. We didn’t even know you would be here.”

“You don’t know anything,” Karofsky said angrily, pushing Blaine. Blaine shoved the jock back, harder. Karofsky was coming towards him again when Santana appeared, helping Kurt to push the two away.

“You’re real brave with your fists, but you’re a coward when it comes to the truth,” Kurt told him. Karofsky tried to brush the words off, but his eyes were instantly on Santana’s face, waiting to see her reaction.

“The truth about what?” Santana asked.

“It’s none of your business, J-Lo.” Karofsky sneered.

“First off, it became my business when you threw a slushy in my face.” Kurt couldn’t believe that Santana of all people had been slushied. He understood when it was the rest of the glee club. They were all outcasts, but not Santana.

“I think I can take two queers and a girl.” Karofsky smirked. Kurt wanted to turn and flee. He wanted this to end. This violence was the exact reason why he had left McKinley in the first place. But he couldn’t run, not again. So he held his ground.

Santana laughed, stepping forward until she was face to face with Karofsky. “Here’s how this is going to happen. You can stay here and I’ll crack one of your nuts, right or left your choice. Or you can walk away and live to be a douche bag another day.”

Karofsky backed away as Santana came closer. When she was done talking, he threw his hands up in anger and left. Santana turned back around to face Kurt and Blaine. Kurt was gripping Blaine’s hand again.

“Thank you,” Kurt breathed, obviously shaken.

“You’re welcome.” Santana cocked her head and smiled before she walked off in the opposite direction as Karofsky.

“Are you okay?” Blaine asked, concerned. “We can leave if you want to.”

“No, it’s okay. We’re still supposed to talk to my dad after.” Kurt winced at the idea. He had been dreading this all week. Blaine had suggested that they tell Burt about Kurt’s self-mutilation while they were in Lima for the benefit, after Kurt had managed to put it off for almost a month.

Blaine knew Kurt was bothered by what had just happened. He knew the boy would probably have nightmares that night because of it. He sighed, speaking before he changed his mind. “Let’s go hear your friends perform, and then we can drive back to Dalton. We have class in the morning anyway and we don’t know how long the talk with your dad will take.”

Kurt could tell this was against Blaine’s conscience but he jumped at the idea. Truthfully, he wanted to leave now but he had told Mercedes he would be here to hear her sing. And he would. So, he squeezed Blaine’s hand in his before pulling him towards the auditorium.

**K/B**

The performances had been outstanding, as was expected. However, the heckling had gotten on both boys’ last nerves. Kurt tried to ignore it, but it reminded him of all the bullying he had endured. As soon as the concert was over, Kurt congratulated his friends before leaving. Blaine didn’t try to convince him to stay longer. He knew the night had badly affected his boyfriend.

“Do you want me to stay with you?” Blaine asked as they reached Kurt’s dorm room.

“No, thank you though.” Kurt glanced at the door. “I just want to go to sleep.”

“All right.” Blaine nodded, leaning up to brush a kiss to Kurt’s cheek. “You know where to find me if you need me.”

“I do. Thank you,” Kurt repeated. He kissed Blaine chastely before disappearing into his room. He knew he should have accepted Blaine’s offer of his company, but he really just wanted to be alone. He knew he should tell Blaine how he was feeling, but he just wanted to make those feelings go away the only way he knew how.

Kurt pulled his shirt over his head as he made his way into his bathroom. He turned the water on in the shower. While he waited for the water to warm he took his razorblade from its hiding spot in the medicine cabinet. As Kurt climbed into the shower, he allowed his emotions to finally overcome him. He stepped into the warm spray, ignoring the tears as they rolled down his cheeks. He looked down at his stomach, hating himself for doing this. But he couldn’t take the pain any longer. So Kurt brought the razor to his stomach, dragging it across his skin. He sighed at the relief the action brought. He watched the water wash the blood away, the streams of red disappearing down the drain.

Kurt went through the motions of bathing himself, careful to wash the fresh cuts. He turned the water off, grabbed a towel and climbed out of the shower. He dried himself off, letting the towel drop to the ground when he was done. Kurt went into the other room, pulling on the first pair of pajama pants he laid eyes on. Then he climbed into bed, exhausted.

**K/B**

_Karofsky pushed Kurt against the locker, holding him against the cold metal. Kurt kicked out, fighting back as Karofsky’s hand closed around his throat. Kurt gasped in a last breath before his air supply was cut off._

_“What would Blaine ever see in you? He pities you. That’s why he’s with you. He doesn’t love you. He could never love you. All you’ll ever have is me.” Karofsky tore Kurt’s shirt open, his hand continuing down to his belt._

_Karofsky kept his hand over Kurt’s throat as he began to rape him. Kurt couldn’t fight back; he couldn’t scream for help, he couldn’t breathe. He was dizzy from the lack of oxygen. When Karofsky was done, he let Kurt fall to the ground. The jock delivered a hard kick to his ribs before he stepped over Kurt, walking away._

__Kurt woke screaming. Tears were streaming down his cheeks as he flung back the covers, sprinting across the room to where he had left his messenger bag. He slumped to the ground next to the bag, digging through it until he found his razorblade. There was no shirt to interfere as he had neglected to wear one that night. Kurt was glad he didn’t have to wait as he pushed the blade deep into his arm. He felt the pain but it wasn’t enough. Not nearly enough. He dug the blade into his skin, not noticing how deep he was slicing. He began to feel faint, but he kept pushing the blade in. By the time he realized what he had done, it was too late. The world dissolved into black around him.

**K/B**

Blaine woke early the next morning. He wanted to walk Kurt down to breakfast. He hadn’t heard from Kurt since he had left him at his dorm room the night before. Blaine dressed quickly, for once appreciating that he didn’t have to take the time to decide what he was going to wear thanks to the Dalton uniform.

Slipping his keys into his pocket, Blaine left his room. He hummed to himself as he walked to Kurt’s room. He couldn’t believe he was so lucky to have the countertenor in his life. Blaine had always felt like something was missing, but ever since meeting Kurt he felt complete. He didn’t know why it had taken him so long to see that his feelings were deeper than he originally thought. But now that he had finally woken up, he was going to do everything in his power to make Kurt happy.

He knocked on Kurt’s door. He didn’t hear any movement from within, so he withdrew his key and unlocked the door. He pushed the door open, gasping in horror at the sight that greeted him. Kurt was lying unconscious on the ground in a pool of blood. His wrist had several deep gashes, and there were several new wounds on his stomach.

“Oh, God. _No_! Kurt, no!” Blaine exclaimed, falling to his knees next to his boyfriend. He pulled Kurt into his arms, feeling for a pulse. He found one, though it was weak.

Blaine cradled Kurt to his chest, pulling his phone out of his pocket. He dialed 9-1-1 for the first time in his life. He forced his panic down, knowing he had to keep his head so he could get Kurt help.

“9-1-1, what is your emergency?” The operator’s voice rang through the line.

“My boyfriend’s unconscious. He slit his wrist,” Blaine said.

“What is your location?” The operator asked.

Blaine answered, giving the operator the number of Kurt’s dorm room.

“All right, I have an ambulance in route. Does he have a pulse?”

“Yes, but it’s weak.”

“I need you to use something to make a tourniquet. A shirt or a towel, anything will do.”

Blaine pulled off his blazer, ripping a strip off of his dress shirt. He tied the cloth around Kurt’s bleeding wrist tightly. Once this was done, he picked the phone back up.

“Okay, I did it.”

“Good, now keep pressure on the wound until the paramedics get there.”

Blaine heard sirens in the background, and he prayed for them to hurry. “I hear the ambulance.”

“Good. Do you want me to stay on the line until the paramedics arrive?”

“No, they’re almost here.”

Time sped up. The paramedics were in the room, gently pushing Blaine away from Kurt so they could work on the boy. Blaine stood in the corner, unable to do anything except watch. He ignored the boys crowding around the door as the paramedics loaded Kurt on a stretcher and wheeled him out of the room. He climbed into the cab of the ambulance the second one of the EMTs asked if he wanted to ride to the hospital.

As soon as they pulled up to the hospital, someone was wheeling Kurt through the automatic doors and back into a room. Blaine tried to follow but a nurse stopped him, saying it was family only. Without any other options, Blaine slumped into a chair in the waiting room. Not long after, Burt and Carole burst into the emergency room. Blaine could have hit himself for not thinking to call them, thankfully someone had. He hurried over to Kurt’s parents.

“Blaine, what happened? I got a call that Kurt was unconscious and being taken to the hospital.” Burt was panting; he looked as if he had run from the parking lot to the hospital entrance.

“This morning when I went to get Kurt for breakfast, I found him unconscious in his room. He had slit his wrist.” Blaine hated to be the one to tell Burt this, but he needed to know. Now, more than ever, he wished he had told Burt about Kurt’s cutting. This could have been prevented.

“Slit his wrist? You mean he tried . . . my son tried to kill himself?” Burt was shocked. He had never seen this coming.

“I don’t think he meant to,” Blaine said awkwardly.

“What do you mean he didn’t mean to?” Carole asked, tears in her eyes.

Blaine opened his mouth to answer, but closed it again, unsure of what to say. He knew he had to tell them the truth but he didn’t know how to. This was Kurt’s place, not his. Kurt was supposed to be the one to tell his parents about his mental health, not Blaine. Just then, a nurse came out of the same doors Kurt had disappeared behind.

“Are you Mr. and Mrs. Hummel?” the nurse asked as she approached Burt and Carole.

“Yes, what happened to my son? Did he do this to himself? Is he okay?” Burt demanded.

“Your son did come in with self-inflicted wounds, sir. He’s in critical condition right now. He lost a lot of blood. He was in hypovolemic shock on arrival,” the nurse informed them.

“Hypo-what?” Burt asked.

“Sir, your son lost so much blood he went into shock. We’ve had to transfuse him and administer IV antibiotics so he will not get an infection. The doctor stitched his wounds, but it appears this is not the first time he has cut himself. There’s evidence of pre-existing self-inflicted wounds. We’ve placed him on a mandatory 72-hour suicide watch.”

“Wait, suicide watch? My son is not suicidal.” Burt shook his head in confusion.

“I know this is a difficult time and I can arrange for you and your family to speak with a therapist. For now, I can let you see your son. He’s still unconscious. The blood loss left him too weak to remain in a conscious state.”

“Take me to him,” Burt said. He motioned for Carole and Blaine to follow him.

“I’m sorry, sir, but its family only.” The nurse looked pointedly at Blaine.

“He saved my son’s life. He _is_ family. Now take me to my son.”

Blaine looked at Burt in surprise, but followed him down the hall to the room Kurt had been admitted to. He gasped at the sight before him. Kurt was deathly pale, lying on an uncomfortable hospital bed. He was hooked up to a heart monitor, which was beeping steadily. An IV was taped to his elbow, connected to a bag of antibiotics and a bag of blood. That wasn’t the worst of it. Kurt was held down to the bed with a leather strap around either wrist.

Burt hurried to his son’s side, taking one of his hands in his. Carole stood by his side, holding herself together for her husband. Blaine tentatively stepped into the room. He wasn’t sure of what to do or say. He froze when Burt turned to face him.

“How did this happen?” he asked, his voice broken.

“Kurt couldn’t handle the bullying. He was having nightmares . . . it was horrible. I only found out he was cutting himself a few weeks ago. He promised me he would tell you. . . . He was going to yesterday but we had a run in with Karofsky at McKinley.” Blaine looked at Kurt as he spoke, wishing he would open his blue-green eyes and tell him everything would be okay.

“Why didn’t _you_ tell me?” Burt demanded.

Blaine turned his head to look at his boyfriend’s father. He was asking himself the same question. “I wish I had, Burt. If I had. . . .”

“I’m sorry. This is not your fault, kid. I just want answers. My son just tried to kill himself. Oh God, someone needs to tell Finn.” Burt finally broke down, letting his tears fall.

“I’ll call the school.” Carole squeezed Burt’s hand before she left.

Blaine turned his gaze back to his boyfriend, feeling helpless. He would not accept that this was a suicide attempt until he heard it from Kurt himself. No, this had to be an accident. A horrible accident. He had almost died, and it was Blaine’s fault. He should have forced Kurt to tell his father. Then, maybe, this would have been avoided. If only he could turn back time.

**K/B**

Finn struggled to keep his eyes open as Will droned on about their plan for nationals. He had called a morning meeting of the glee club, and none of the students were paying much attention. That was, they weren’t until Emma Pillsbury hurried into the room.

“Will, can I speak with you?” she asked seriously.

“I’ll be right back, guys,” Will told the club, turning to follow Emma to the doorway. “What’s wrong, Emma?”

“It’s Kurt. He attempted suicide,” Emma whispered.

 _“What?”_ Will was shocked. He had never seen this coming, even when Kurt was being tormented at McKinley.

“He’s in critical condition; Blaine Anderson found him in time. Finn doesn’t know yet.” Emma glanced at the boy in question, not surprised to see the entire club watching the two adults.

“And we need to tell him,” Will finished her thought. He sighed, turning back to his students. “Finn, can you come here please?”

Finn was shocked when Will called his name. He looked to Quinn next to him, who shrugged. He went to Will, confusion clouding his face.

“What’s going on, Mr. Schue?” Finn asked as he approached the adults.

“Finn, Kurt’s in the hospital,” Will said bluntly, not sure how else to start.

“He’s in critical condition,” Emma filled in before Finn could ask if his step-brother was all right.

“What happened?” Finn asked, stunned.

Emma and Will exchanged a look before Emma answered. “He tried to kill himself.”

Finn felt weak. His legs gave out from under him. Will caught him before he could fall, helping him into the nearest chair.

“Finn!” Quinn hurried to her boyfriend.

“Finn, can you hear me?” Emma asked, worried.

Finn looked up at her, unable to speak.

“What happened?” Quinn asked, kneeling by Finn’s side.

Will and Emma exchanged another look. Finally, Will sighed, looking at Finn, asking silent permission. At Finn’s nod, Will addressed the rest of the club.

“Guys, Blaine found Kurt unconscious in his dorm room at Dalton this morning.” The entire club gasped, though no one spoke. They waited for Will to finish. “He tried to take his life.”

“Oh my God,” Mercedes exclaimed, a hand flying to her mouth.

Tears filled everyone’s eyes as Emma repeated as much as she knew. The club gathered around Finn, holding one another up.

“How did this happen?” Tina cried onto Mike’s shoulder.

“You’re going to ask a lot of questions like that, guys. And there is no right or wrong answer. I know this is difficult to process, but right now we need to be there for Finn and Kurt and their family. Finn, your mother would like you at the hospital. I’ll drive you there when you’re ready,” Emma said.

Finn nodded again, still processing the news. His step-brother had tried to take his own life. How could everyone have missed this? He barely paid attention as he slipped out of the group, following Emma to her car. He couldn’t understand why Kurt would give up on life. How had this escaped anyone’s notice? Emma was right, there was no answer to these questions.

**K/B**

Blaine visited Kurt after school the next day. He had tried to stay with his boyfriend the previous day, but Burt had insisted on him returning to Dalton. Carole drove him to the school while Burt stayed with his son. So Blaine had skipped his last class that day to visit Kurt.

The news had spread throughout Dalton like wildfire; thankfully the students at McKinley remained oblivious except for the glee club. Blaine had grown tired of everyone prying, asking why Kurt had done it. Burt didn’t speak when Blaine walked through the door, merely nodding in his direction. Blaine was glad that he didn’t attempt small talk. He had never felt less like talking.

Instead, Blaine drew a chair up to the side of Kurt unoccupied by his father. He grasped Kurt’s free hand in his. They sat in silence for a while, both men watching the sleeping countertenor. Blaine had been staring at his face for so long, he was sure he imagined it when Kurt’s eyelids fluttered. But there it was again.

“Did you see that?” Blaine asked, squeezing Kurt’s hand. “Kurt, if you can hear me squeeze my hand.”

He gasped when he felt a slight pressure on his hand. Burt was instantly out the hall, calling for help. Kurt cracked his eyes open, wincing at the bright hospital light.

“Blaine?” he asked, his voice raspy from disuse.

“Oh, Kurt. Thank God you’re all right.” Blaine brushed the hair off of his boyfriend’s forehead, kissing the smooth skin there.

“What happened?” Kurt asked. He tried to lift his arms, frowning when something held them down. He gasped when he saw the arm restraints. “Why am I tied down?”

“You don’t remember what happened?” Blaine croaked out.

“I remember I had a nightmare, and I-I cut myself. Oh God, I went too deep, didn’t I?” Kurt closed his eyes against the memory.

“I found you yesterday morning. You almost bled out, Kurt. It was the scariest thing I have ever seen.” Blaine fought back his tears. He had to stay strong for Kurt.

“I’m so sorry, Blaine. It was an accident, I swear. I didn’t mean to. I would never leave you,” Kurt tried to reassure him.

“The hospital thinks you did it on purpose. I tried telling them it was an accident but they said without you awake to tell them so they had to assume it was a suicide attempt. You’ve been put on a 72-hour suicide watch.” Blaine felt a tear escape and he wiped at it hastily.

“I’m so sorry, Blaine. Please don’t cry. I’m so sorry.” Kurt felt tears well up behind his eyes as he realized what he had done.

“Your dad’s here, Kurt. I had to tell him.” Blaine spoke just as Burt reentered the room with a nurse.

Blaine stepped back as the nurse examined Kurt, explaining to him what had happened and the seriousness of the situation. Finally, she left. Blaine listened as Kurt broke down, confessing everything to his father, only omitting Karofsky’s kiss.

“I’m going to get you help, son.” Burt promised, squeezing Kurt’s hand in his.

“I’m sorry, Dad.” Kurt sobbed. Blaine wiped his tears away for him when Kurt lifted his hand, only to drop it back when it pulled against the restraint.

“I know, son. I know. It’ll be all right. You’ll be all right, I promise.” Burt couldn’t afford to have him any other way.

**K/B**

Two days later and Kurt was off suicide watch. He was also allowed visitors, outside of family, for the first time. He was nervous when Blaine appeared in the doorway that day, expecting the Warblers to be with him.

“I know today is the first day you’re allowed visitors, but some people want to see you,” Blaine told him after he kissed him in greeting.

“The Warblers?” Kurt asked, sitting up in bed.

“The Warblers.” Blaine nodded. “I know you probably don’t want anyone to know what happened, but they saw you getting wheeled out of your dorm by the paramedics and word kind of got out.”

“Oh, no.” Kurt was horrified. He had hoped to keep this to himself.

“Don’t worry. No one is judging you. They’re just worried. Do you mind if they come in for just a few minutes?” Blaine asked tentatively.

Kurt sighed heavily. “Well, they already know. Just for a few minutes.”

Blaine smiled brightly before he called out, “Come on in, guys.”

Kurt found himself wishing he could disappear as the Warblers filed into the small hospital room. There wasn’t much room, and Kurt had to move over so Blaine could share the bed with him to give the other boys more space.

“Kurt, we want you to know that we’re thinking about you and we all love you like a brother.” Wes paused. “Except for Blaine, that would be awkward.”

Kurt laughed weakly, glad for the icebreaker.

“Yeah, we just want you to know that we all care about you and we’re here for you, man,” David finished.

“We kind of prepared something for you,” Blaine told him.

“How? You’ve barely left my side,” Kurt teased.

“We managed.” Blaine laughed.

“Well, let’s hear it then.” Kurt settled back against his pillows.

Blaine wrapped an arm around his boyfriend, looking deep into his eyes as he began to sing. The Warblers filled in with the background until music swelled around the room.

_Don’t give up._

_It’s just the weight of the world._

_When your heart’s heavy, I--_

_I will lift it for you._

_Don’t give up,_

_Because you want to be heard._

_If silence keeps you, I--_

_I will break it for you._

Kurt felt his heart leap into his throat as the Warblers sang. He knew they could not have had much time to practice the song, and to work out all the harmonies. But they sang it the way they sang everything, flawlessly and passionately. Indeed, Blaine’s voice was full of compassion and love as he sang to the boy next to him.

_Everybody wants to be understood._

_Well, I can hear you._

_Everybody wants to be loved._

_Don’t give up,_

_Because you are loved._

Kurt was so used to feeling alone that the feeling of togetherness overwhelmed him. He still didn’t quite feel like he fit in, but he felt accepted. That was all Kurt ever wanted, truly. To be accepted for who he was, and loved regardless. And here with the Warblers he finally felt that.

_Don’t give up._

_It’s just the hurt that you hide._

_When you’re lost inside, I--_

_I’ll be there to find you._

_Don’t give up,_

_Because you want to burn bright._

_If darkness blinds you, I--_

_I will shine to guide you._

Kurt had felt lost for a long time. He had looked for anything to guide him on his way, but found nothing. Now he knew he could count on Blaine, and his friends, to lead him when he stumbled. He knew now he didn’t have to hide his pain and sorrow. He would not be lost forever in the darkness of his despair. Maybe he wasn’t ready to give up his razor just yet, maybe he was not yet able to admit that he had a problem, but he knew he no longer had to hide his emotions away from the rest of the world.

The music reached a crescendo. Blaine threw everything he had into the song, continuing to look deeply into Kurt’s eyes. And as the song drew to a close, the Warblers echoed his words.

_Everybody wants to be understood._

_Well, I can hear you._

_Everybody wants to be loved._

_Don’t give up,_

_Because you are loved._

_(You are loved.)_

_You are loved._

_(You are loved.)_

_Don’t give up._

_(Don’t give up.)_

_It’s just the weight of the world._

_(You are loved.)_

_Don’t give up._

_(Don’t give up.)_

_Everyone needs to be heard._

_(Don’t give up.)_

_You are loved._

_(You are loved.)_

_(Don’t give up.)_

Kurt was crying openly when they finished. He wiped at his tears with the hand that wasn’t holding Blaine’s. Blaine raised their clasped hands, brushing his lips across the bandage on Kurt’s left wrist. Kurt was shocked. He hated that bandage and what it reminded him of, but here Blaine was accepting it as part of him. He accepted Kurt’s accident for just that, an accident.

“Thank you,” Kurt choked out.

“We wanted to do it for you, Kurt. We all care about you. We’ll let you rest now.” Wes patted Kurt’s knee before he left the room, the rest of the Warblers following him.

“That was incredible,” Kurt told Blaine after they were alone.

Blaine smiled at him fondly. “You’re incredible.” Kurt opened his mouth to protest but Blaine stopped him. “I mean it. You’re truly remarkable. We will get through this together, and we’ll be that much stronger because of it.”

“Thank you.” Kurt brushed his lips against Blaine’s. “I want to do something for the Warblers in return. Will you help me?”

“Of course. What do you have in mind?” Blaine asked.

“I think I have the perfect idea.”

**K/B**

“Are you sure you still want to do this?” Blaine asked as they walked hand-in-hand down the hall to the choir room.

“Positive,” Kurt answered without hesitance.

Kurt had been released earlier that day. He had been excused from classes, and Blaine had insisted on spending the day with him. Kurt was grateful for Blaine, not just because he had saved his life. Kurt would not have been surprised if Blaine blamed him for his accident, but he didn’t. Instead, he showed Kurt how much he cared for him. He spent the entire day making sure Kurt did not feel alone.

“All right. Here we go.” Blaine pushed the doors open.

The room fell silent as the couple crossed the threshold. Kurt led Blaine to the center of the room. Suddenly, everyone began to clap. Kurt blushed deeply, hiding his face in Blaine’s shoulder. Blaine laughed, wrapping an arm around his boyfriend.

Kurt looked up, addressing the room. “I wanted to thank you all for coming to see me when I was in the hospital. You performed a song for me, and now I want to repay the favor.”

Blaine picked up his guitar from where he had left it behind the council desk. He strummed it gently, checking to see that it was still in tune. At Blaine’s nod, Kurt began to sing.

_Out here on the ledge,_

_I’m not far away from stepping off._

_I’ve finally picked out my cloud._

_It’s the one over there surrounded by all that air._

Kurt looked around at the Warblers as he sang, returning his gaze to Blaine before he sang the next part. Blaine had saved his life. He was the best thing that had ever happened to Kurt, not just for that reason. He knew that Kurt would still struggle with his self-mutilation, even with therapy, but he was prepared for that. He would be there for Kurt; he would ensure that he was never truly alone, no matter how isolated he felt.

_You reached out your hand,_

_And said, “I understand._

_So why not come down?”_

_Well except for a few small bruises, cuts and scars, well I’m fine._

_Oh except for a few small bruises, cuts and scars, well I’m fine._

Kurt turned to Wes, singing the next line. The Warbler couldn’t help but laugh at the expression on Kurt’s face. It was clear that Kurt was attempting to make light of the situation to an extent, even though he knew it was serious.

_Thank you for asking._

_I’m so glad we had this moment here._

_I know they think I’m crazy._

_But everything I am is everything I was taught to be._

_And you reached out your hand._

_And said, “I understand._

_So why not come down?”_

_Oh except for a few small bruises, cuts and scars, well I’m fine._

_Oh except for a few small bruises, cuts and scars, well I’m fine._

Kurt knew he had lied to the group when he said he was okay. He was still far from all right, but after spending so much time pretending that nothing was wrong, he could not help but fall back into the act. Despite what everyone at the hospital had told him, Kurt didn’t believe he had a problem. He hadn’t admitted that to anyone yet. Kurt had come to depend on his cutting. He saw this accident as a one-time thing. It would not happen again.

_And as you read my words out loud,_

_Make me sound genius._

_Make me sound special,_

_And maybe I’ll come down._

Kurt left Blaine’s side to walk through the Warblers as Blaine began to play the guitar solo. He received pats on the back and a few hands reached out to brush against his. Kurt knew they were walking on eggshells around him, but that was fine for now. He knew it would begin to annoy him soon, but for now he left it alone.

_Well, except for a few small bruises, cuts and scars, well I’m fine._

_Well except for a few small bruises, cuts and scars, well I’m fine._

_And as you read my words out loud,_

_Make me sound genius._

_Make me sound special,_

_And maybe I’ll come down._

Kurt returned to Blaine’s side as he strummed the last few notes, accompanying Kurt’s flawless voice. Kurt had chosen the song to reassure his friends that he was not suicidal. What had happened had been an accident, nothing more. Now that they knew about his cutting, he knew they would treat him differently. Kurt wasn’t ready for anything to change more than it already had, but what choice did he have?

The Warblers applauded the couple, smiling widely. Wes stood and spoke for the group, “That was beautiful.”

“Thank you,” Kurt ducked his head, blushing. He nudged Blaine. “It wasn’t all me, though.”

Blaine laughed, setting his guitar aside. “I was just the background noise. You picked the song and worked everything out on your own.”

“Yes, well, I wanted to let everyone know how much I appreciate you. I’ve spent most of the last five months just trying to fit in. Now I know I don’t need to do that if it means losing myself.” Kurt wrapped an arm around Blaine, pulling him close.

“We’re all here for you, Kurt,” Nick told him.

Kurt smiled, knowing it was the truth. He wasn’t alone anymore. And that one fact was enough cause for celebration. Kurt didn’t know how long the optimism would last. He knew the feelings of loneliness, depression, and anxiety would return. But now he did not need to face them alone.


	11. Chapter 10:  Born This Way

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Thanks to everyone who reviewed. If anyone has any songs they would like to see in this story please let me know. I will be more than happy to consider them, but I will not guarantee that you will see them. What I’m really looking for are songs that are comforting or uplifting. So please feel free to make any suggestions on songs, or just the plot in general. This chapter takes place during the “Born This Way” episode.
> 
> Warnings for this chapter: cutting
> 
> Spoilers for: 2x18 – Born This Way
> 
> Disclaimer: I do not own Glee. “Shine The Light” belongs to Sugarland.

Chapter Ten: Born This Way

“What brings you here, Kurt?” Dr. Madsen asked.

“Don’t you know?” Kurt raised an eyebrow. He knew the hospital had sent his records to her; he had been there when his father signed the release form. He had only been out of the hospital for a day, but he had assumed that the psychiatrist would look over his file before their appointment.

“I do. But I want to hear it from you,” Dr. Madsen answered patiently.

“I cut myself . . . and my father found out.” Kurt spoke to his hands.

“When and why did you start cutting?” Dr. Madsen poised her pen over her clipboard, ready to jot down whatever Kurt said.

“It started several months ago. . . . I was being bullied at my old school. It _really_ affected me. I couldn’t sleep; I _lived_ in fear and pain.”

“And cutting changed that?”

“It changed the pain. . . . The fear went away after I transferred to Dalton, but sometimes I’m still scared,” Kurt admitted.

“Do you miss your old school?” Dr. Madsen asked.

“I miss my friends. I don’t feel like I can be myself at Dalton. I felt alone at McKinley, and that’s just gotten worse since I transferred.”

“I think you should spend more time with your friends in Lima. If being at Dalton is adding to your depression, you might want to consider transferring back. I know that might not be possible with the bullying, but if we can work out _some_ way to protect you . . . I just want you to consider it.

“I don’t believe depression is the only cause of your problems. I also believe you have an anxiety disorder. I want to treat these with an anti-depressant that also works with anxiety. But before we go any further, I have to ask. Are you here of your _own_ volition?” Dr. Madsen asked.

Kurt was caught off-guard by the question. “No – I don’t know.”

“Let me rephrase the question. Who wants you to be here more:  _yourself_ or your father?”

“My dad,” Kurt answered immediately. “Why does that matter?”

“Kurt, if you aren’t ready to admit that you have a problem then you won’t get better. Treatment will be completely ineffective,” Dr. Madsen explained.

“But I _don’t_ _have_ a problem. What happened was an accident. I’m always careful and it’s _not_ going to happen again.” Kurt was tired of everyone talking about his _problem_ when he didn’t even think he had one.

“Many people living with mental illness that is complicated by self-mutilation believe they don’t have a problem. What happened was an accident, yes, but that _does_ _not_ mean that it could not happen again.”

“But it _won’t_. I’m not going to hurt Blaine like that again.”

“You can’t do this for anyone but yourself, Kurt. It won’t work otherwise. I think that’s enough for today. We’ll meet again next week. Think about what I said about McKinley. Dalton may be keeping you safe, but it’s not helping with your depression.”

**K/B**

“We were so worried when we heard what happened,” Tina said as she sat down at the table at the Lima Bean.

Kurt had only spoken briefly with his New Directions friends to let them know he was okay and was not suicidal. When Mercedes, Tina and Santana had invited him and Blaine to coffee the day after his release, he had agreed. He missed his friends and talking with Dr. Madsen about possibly transferring back made the pain even worse.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you guys. It was an accident. It won’t happen again,” Kurt assured her. He desperately wanted to change the subject and was glad when Mercedes brought up the upcoming New York trip for the McKinley group.

“I’m so proud of you guys. I just wish I was going with you.” Kurt took a sip of his coffee. He hated that he was so jealous, but he knew he should be preparing for the trip along with his friends. And he would be if it weren’t for Karofsky.

“We miss you so much,” Tina told him, reaching across the table to squeeze his hand.

“I miss you too.”

“Can’t you come back to McKinley?” Mercedes asked hopefully.

“I told Kurt I would fully support him if it weren’t for Karofsky. He’s not safe at McKinley as long as that Neanderthal is walking the halls.” Blaine wrapped an arm around Kurt, pulling him close.

“What did you just say?” Santana asked.

Kurt didn’t like the look on her face. He cut Blaine off before he could elaborate. “Let’s just change the subject.”

“I’ve got to gay-go, I’ve got to go.” Santana got to her feet before practically sprinting from the coffeehouse.

“Did she just say she had to _gay_?” Kurt asked, turning to Blaine who had a smirk on his face.

“I think she did.” Blaine nodded, laughing.

“That could only mean one thing,” Kurt said looking to Mercedes. She nodded in agreement, speaking in unison with Kurt, “She’s up to something.”

**K/B**

_Kurt was walking down the halls of McKinley. He could see Blaine in the distance, waiting on him. He sped up his pace but Blaine just got further and further away. He called out, telling him to wait that he was coming. But Blaine was turning his back on Kurt, walking away from him._

_“He doesn’t love you. No one loves you. You’re alone. No one will_ ever _want you. And you will_ always _be alone.”_

_Kurt turned around to see Karofsky. As the jock advanced on him, Kurt screamed. The sound echoed through the hallway and in Kurt’s ears._

The screams woke Kurt. He flew to his bathroom, grabbing his razor without thinking. He slid the blade across the skin of his stomach. The pain soothed him, pushed away his anxieties and his mental anguish. Until Kurt realized what he had done. He would do anything to keep Blaine from being hurt, but here he was causing Blaine pain by hurting himself.

Kurt went back to the other room, grabbing his phone off of his nightstand. He slumped to the ground against the wall, dialing the number he knew so well.

“I need you,” he said when Blaine answered on the second ring.

“I’ll be right there,” Blaine said.

And then Blaine was in his room, closing his eyes for a split second when he saw Kurt was bleeding. He pulled his boyfriend into his arms, holding him close. He rubbed his back, whispering into his ear.

After several minutes, Blaine pulled away. He looked down to access the damage Kurt had done to himself. The cuts were shallow, but they still had to be treated.

“Let’s get you cleaned up,” Blaine said, pulling Kurt to his feet.

“I’m sorry. I’m _so_ sorry,” Kurt sobbed as he allowed Blaine to lead him into the bathroom. He knew Blaine would assume he was apologizing for cutting, and Kurt was willing to let him make that assumption at the moment. He wasn’t able to speak to correct him.

“I know, baby. I’m not mad. It’ll be all right.” Blaine kissed his forehead before he pulled out hydrogen peroxide, gauze, and medical tape. He cleaned the wounds before covering them in gauze and taping them up.

Once this was done, Blaine helped Kurt back to the bed. Kurt looked up at him, tears in his eyes. Blaine’s heart broke when he asked “Will you just hold me?”

“Of course, love.” Blaine climbed in behind Kurt, spooning up against him. He held him tightly, careful to avoid putting his arm where the fresh cuts were. After a while, Blaine asked, “Do you want to tell me about your dream?”

A tear fell down Kurt’s cheek, but he nodded. “I was at McKinley, walking towards you. But you kept getting farther and farther away until you finally walked away from me. You left me, and then Karofsky was there. He said no one loved me and I would always be alone; no one would ever want me.”

Blaine pulled him closer, pressing his lips to the back of Kurt’s neck. “I will _never_ leave you, Kurt. I promise. You are _not_ alone and you will _never_ be alone because I will _always_ be here for you, as long as you want me. I will stay by your side, I promise.”

Kurt didn’t fight his tears as they fell. Instead he brought a hand up to where Blaine’s rested against his heart, lacing their fingers together. He gripped his hand tightly, ignoring the pain when his knuckles grew stiff.

“Never let go,” Kurt sobbed.

“Hey, look at me.” Blaine waited until Kurt had rolled over to face him before he continued. “Why are you so afraid of me leaving? You know I’m not going anywhere. I’m _never_ going anywhere, Kurt.”

Kurt shook his head, unable to answer as tears streamed down his face. Blaine pulled him closer, tucking Kurt’s head under his chin as he held him tight. He wished Kurt would talk to him, but he knew this was not easy for him.

“It just feels so _hopeless_ ,” Kurt finally whispered after his tears had subsided somewhat.

“What does?” Blaine asked, sincerely hoping he didn’t mean their relationship.

“I try so hard to be happy but I just can’t. I try not to be afraid but the fear is _constantly_ there. I feel like this darkness is smothering me and I can’t find a light. I don’t know what else to do but cut, and now everyone is telling me that’s a problem.” Kurt spoke into Blaine’s neck, not wanting to see the look in his eyes as he admitted his feelings.

“Kurt, cutting _is_ a problem. I know you think it’s a solution but it’s _not_. I had hoped that some good would come out of your accident that you would finally see how serious this is. You could easily _die_ , Kurt, and I feel helpless to save you when you’re doing this to yourself. I can protect you from a lot of things, but I can’t save you from yourself.” Blaine ran his hand through Kurt’s hair while he talked.

Kurt pulled back enough so he could see Blaine’s face. “I’m careful, I promise.”

“You’re not, Kurt. There is _nothing_ careful about what you’re doing. I wish you would see that. You accidentally cut too deep once, you’ll do it again.”

“I would never put you through that again, and I can’t believe you think I would.”

“I know you wouldn’t, love, not intentionally. But if this happened once it can happen again. I just want you to be healthy. I want you to get better and I know you can’t do that while you’re denying that you have a problem.”

“This _is_ making me better, Blaine. Why can’t you see that?”

“That’s the addiction talking, Kurt. This is not you.” Blaine shook his head.

Kurt could feel tears welling up behind his eyes once more. He tried to fight them off but they bubbled over regardless of his efforts. “I’m sorry that I’m not perfect. I’m sorry that I’m not good enough.”

“Oh, Kurt.” Blaine pulled him close again, holding him against his chest. “I never want you to feel like you aren’t good enough. You’re perfect for me. You are _everything_ that I need and will ever need. You’re only human, Kurt. Your flaws don’t make you imperfect, they make you _you._ ”

Kurt continued to sob against Blaine’s chest. His entire life, he had only wanted to be accepted, and here was Blaine accepting every aspect of him. That gnawing fear that Blaine would leave him raised its head again and he choked out, “Don’t leave me.”

“I’m not going to, Kurt, I promise. I’m right here. Where is this fear coming from?” Blaine asked again.

Kurt stiffened under Blaine’s touch, mumbling something against Blaine’s skin.

“I couldn’t hear you, baby,” Blaine told him.

Kurt sighed, pulling away but not meeting Blaine’s eyes. “I think I want to transfer back to McKinley.”

“What? But what about Karofsky? You aren’t safe there, Kurt. I _know_ you miss your friends, but your safety is much more important than that.” Blaine was shocked. He knew Kurt missed the New Directions, but he didn’t think it was bad enough to where the boy would jeopardize his safety to be reunited with them.

“It’s not just me. Dr. Madsen thinks transferring back would help with my depression. She mentioned it today.” Kurt knew he should have mentioned this earlier while they were having coffee with the girls, but he just couldn’t broach the subject.

“Look at me, Kurt. Please just look at me.” Blaine put a finger under Kurt’s chin, raising his head until their eyes met. “If there is . . . _any_ way for you to return to McKinley _safely_ then I will support you one hundred percent. But until then, I _need_ you to be safe.”

Kurt smiled weakly before pressing his lips to Blaine’s. When he pulled back he said, “Thank you.”

“I just want you to be happy. And if it takes you returning to McKinley for that to happen, I will support you. If being here is adding to your depression then I agree; you _should_ transfer. Just not at the expense of your safety. Now, it’s late. We should get some sleep.”

Kurt nodded, snuggling into Blaine’s arms. It wasn’t long before he found peace in sleep, but Blaine stayed up longer. He hated that Kurt felt so hopeless. He began to formulate a plan in his mind, only drifting off to sleep when it was perfected.

**K/B**

Blaine woke early the next morning. He smiled when he saw Kurt sleeping peacefully beside him. He leaned over the sleeping boy, pressing his lips to Kurt’s gently. Kurt turned his head away, settling deeper into the bed. Blaine chuckled, kissing Kurt’s exposed neck. He trailed kisses up Kurt’s throat, across his jaw to his lips. As their lips met again, Kurt began to wake, turning his head towards Blaine to deepen the kiss. When they finally pulled away for air, Kurt had a silly grin on his face.

“What a way to wake up.” He laughed breathlessly.

Blaine laughed, kissing him chastely. “I have a surprise for you. I’m going to go change in my dorm and then I’ll be back.”

Kurt let his mind wander over the possibilities of Blaine’s surprise while he got dressed. He still hadn’t thought of what his boyfriend could possibly have up his sleeve when Blaine was knocking on his door.

“Are you ready?” Blaine asked.

“Ready for what?” Kurt raised an eyebrow.

“Nice try. Come on.” Blaine grabbed Kurt’s hand, leading him through the halls until they reached the choir room. It was still early so the room was unusually deserted. Blaine didn’t let go of Kurt’s hand until they were seated at the piano. “Last night you said that things felt hopeless, and I hate that you feel that way. You said you felt the darkness was suffocating you and you couldn’t find a light. Well, I want to be your light if you will let me.”

Blaine’s hands began to stroke the keys, playing a simple melody. He turned to look deep into Kurt’s eyes before he began to sing.

_When you walk into the edge of those,_

_Dark and lonely woods._

_And when I ask how was your day,_

_And you answer, “Not so good.”_

_And when nothing seems to be working out,_

_Quite the way it should, I will shine the light._

Kurt could feel the tears welling up behind his eyes, and for once he didn’t attempt to push them back. He had been through so much at McKinley and lived in fear for so long that he had almost forgotten what it was to not be afraid. He felt like he was constantly surrounded by darkness, but there was that one point of light that was Blaine. And here he was, showing Kurt how much he cared.

_And when the skies up above you fill,_

_With gray and stormy clouds._

_And there’s not a single face you know,_

_In the maddening crowd._

_When you know that you don’t make your way,_

_But you just can’t see how, I will shine the light._

While Kurt didn’t see his self-harm as a problem, he knew his depression was. But the only thing that made it lessen caused Blaine pain. Kurt never wanted to hurt Blaine. He was his boyfriend, his best friend, his everything. They had only been together for a month but already things were getting serious. Kurt knew if it wasn’t for Blaine, he would not be living.

_I will shine the light,_

_I will shine the light._

_I will hold you in my arms,_

_Until everything’s alright._

_I will shine the light._

_And when your worries, they won’t let you sleep._

_And rob you of your days._

_And you’ve looked in all directions,_

_But you still you can’t find your way._

_Oh, when you just need someone to remind you,_

_That it’s all gonna be okay, I will shine the light._

Listening to Blaine sing, Kurt knew he meant every word. He knew that Blaine would always be there, as long as Kurt needed him. Whether it was to hold Kurt in his arms, or watch over him as he slept, Blaine would take care of Kurt. He wished he could take Kurt’s pain away and make it his own; he wished he would never again see tears fall from those beautiful eyes. But none of that was possible, so Blaine would be there to comfort Kurt.

_I will shine the light._

_I will shine the light._

_When you’re staring down your demons,_

_Weighing in your darkest night,_

_I will shine the light._

_Sometimes we jump into the great unknown,_

_Sorrows, we all will have to walk alone._

_But waiting there in the end is a heart that calls you a friend._

_That’s me, clapping the loudest, welcoming you home._

Blaine knew that recovery would not be easy, and before it could even start Kurt had to accept that he had a problem. But Blaine would be there every step of the way, even when Kurt started to feel like he lost himself. Blaine would wait for him to find those missing pieces of himself and he would help him put the puzzle back together. He would never leave Kurt to face his demons alone.

_So when your heart is heavy like a stone,_

_From carrying its load._

_And you look into the mirror,_

_And see someone you don’t know._

_Oh, when the shadows are closing in on you,_

_Like a hand around your throat._

_I will shine the light,_

_I will shine the light._

_When you’ve given into your fears,_

_When you’ve lost your will to fight,_

_Let me know what I can do._

_Let me try to make it right._

_And I will shine the light,_

_I will shine the light._

“Thank you,” Kurt choked out as Blaine lifted his hands off of the piano keys. Kurt wrapped his arms around the shorter boy, burying his head in his shoulder. He didn’t fight his emotions even though he felt weak for breaking down in front of Blaine. He let the feelings out, clinging to Blaine.

“I care about you, Kurt, and I’m not going to let you go through this alone,” Blaine promised. He held Kurt close until he finally stopped crying, knowing he would never abandon the boy to his own devices.

**K/B**

That night, Blaine slept with his phone on his pillow next to his head. But it never rang. He slept through the night without waking once. The next morning, he dressed quickly and made his way over to Kurt’s dorm. He knocked on the closed door, knowing Kurt would already be awake.

“Just a minute,” Kurt called through the door. Blaine listened to him move around his room. Finally he heard him call, “Come in.”

Blaine smiled when he opened the door to see Kurt standing in front of the mirror over his dresser, styling his hair. His back was to the door, but Kurt knew it was Blaine. Blaine wrapped his arms around Kurt from behind, pulling him back against his body. Kurt hissed when Blaine’s hands touched his stomach. He immediately realized his mistake, and froze. Blaine looked at Kurt in the mirror. Blood had drained from his face and he looked close to tears.

“Kurt?” he asked. Kurt didn’t answer, but bit his lip hard. Blaine moved so he was standing in front of Kurt.

“I’m sorry. I’m _so_ sorry,” Kurt sobbed, dropping his head.

“Kurt, I’m not mad. . . . But in order for this relationship to work, we can’t keep secrets from each other. Especially when it comes to this,” Blaine said.

“I know. I’m sorry. I didn’t want to disappoint you so I didn’t tell you,” Kurt admitted.

“I’m not disappointed,” Blaine told him. He moved his hands to grasp the bottom of Kurt’s shirt. “Let me see.”

“No,” Kurt protested, taking a step backwards. His hands flew to the hem of his shirt, tugging it down so forcefully that Blaine could see the shirt being stretched.

“I know you don’t like anyone seeing your scars, but I want to make sure the cuts aren’t too deep.” Blaine took a tentative step forwards, not wanting Kurt to bolt.

“They’re not. I was careful.” Kurt took another step backwards.

“I know you were, love. Please, let me,” Blaine pleaded. He knew Kurt thought he was careful, but Blaine realized there was nothing careful about what Kurt was doing.

Kurt bit the inside of his cheek, but nodded, moving his hands away from his shirt. Blaine grasped the hem, pulling it upwards. Blaine had always thought when he took Kurt’s clothing off it would be for a completely different reason, but he pushed the thought away. As the shirt was removed to expose skin, Blaine sucked in a breath. There were three parallel cuts on Kurt’s abdomen. They were obviously fresh, as the irritated skin around the wounds showed, but they were not bleeding. Blaine breathed a sigh of relief when he saw that they were shallow. With a split second thought, Blaine sunk to his knees in front of Kurt.

“Blaine, what’re you-”

Blaine shushed him, brushing his lips across the new cuts. Kurt gasped, but not from pain. He didn’t speak, continuing to watch Blaine as he kissed each cut and scar covering Kurt’s arms and stomach. Finally, Blaine raised his eyes to meet Kurt’s gaze.

“Why?” he asked in a broken voice.

“I felt weak. Karofsky’s dad called my dad wanting to set up a meeting at McKinley. Apparently Karofsky wants to apologize. I felt weak and I had to be strong,” Kurt told him.

“You _are_ strong, Kurt. You don’t need to cut yourself to be strong.” Blaine stood up, taking Kurt’s hand in his. He led the boy over to his bed, sitting on the edge of it. “Why do you think Karofsky wants to apologize _now_?”

“I don’t know. Finn said he apologized to the entire glee club too but they refused to accept it until he apologized to me. I know I said I want to transfer back to McKinley but I’m scared, Blaine.”

“I know you are, and that’s okay. I’ll go with you to the meeting if you’d like,” Blaine offered.

“Can you just wait at my house with Finn until it’s over? That way I know you’ll be there if I need you. Right now I need to get ready for the flash mob New Directions is putting on for Rachel.”

“Of course, baby, whatever you need.”

Kurt smiled. He wondered, not for the first time, what he had done to deserve someone as wonderful as Blaine.

**K/B**

“Look, I hear what you’re saying but all I’m hearing is talk. How am I supposed to know that you _will_ keep my son safe if he returns to this school?” Burt asked.

Kurt was sitting in Principal Figgins’s office at McKinley with his dad, Figgins, Will Schuester, Karofsky and his father. He avoided looking at anyone, instead choosing to study the carpet.

“David started an anti-bullying club,” Figgins said, gesturing to Karofsky. “If Kurt chooses to return to McKinley, this club _will_ keep him safe. We haven’t had any incidents since the club began.”

“The bullying stopped because the bully stopped,” Burt said. He knew his son wanted to return to McKinley, he could tell by the way Kurt had greeted his friends in New Directions upon his arrival at McKinley. But Burt could not allow his son to return to this school unless he was one hundred percent sure that he would be safe.

“Burt,” Mr. Karofsky began, “I was understanding when this whole thing started. I did not doubt your son’s story; I did not defend my son. That’s because David had not been acting like himself in a long time, but now here he is: my son back again.”

“This _thing_ has caused my family a lot of stress and heartache. My son had to leave his friends behind to transfer to a school that _I couldn’t_ _afford_ , because he wasn’t _safe_ here because of _your_ son.” Burt was getting angry. He couldn’t believe this jock wanted to apologize and then act like nothing had happened, like he had never threatened the life of his son.

“You know, I remember what we used to say about gays when we were growing up. We’re the same age, I’m sure you remember too. Society has come a long way, and so has my son. Why can’t you accept that?”

“Because he threatened to _kill_ my son!” Burt exclaimed.

“I never actually meant that,” Karofsky spoke up for the first time since they had entered the room. “It was just a figure of speech.”

“How is Kurt supposed to know that?” Burt asked, angry.

“Your words still matter, David,” Will agreed.

“I know, and I feel horrible about everything that happened. I know I was wrong. I’m sorry. I’m not that person anymore; I don’t think I ever was to begin with,” Karofsky said.

“What do you think, Kurt?” Will asked. Kurt looked up in surprise. No one had spoken _to_ him since they had entered the room; it had all been _about_ him.

Kurt thought for a moment before he answered. “I believe he realizes what he did was wrong and that he’s remorseful.”

“You’re only saying that because you miss your friends so much. But this isn’t just about your friends, Kurt. It’s about your safety,” Burt told him.

“Can David and I speak privately for a moment?” Kurt asked, surprising everyone.

“I’ll be right outside,” Burt said after eyeing his son for a few seconds.

“Why are you doing this?” Kurt asked once they were alone.

“I’m just trying to make things right,” Karofsky replied.

“Karofsky, I _know_ and I haven’t told anyone.”

“Why? It would’ve made things a lot easier for you.”

“I know it’s not healthy to deny who you are, but I don’t believe in forcing someone out of the closet before they’re ready. You have to make that decision on your own, Karofsky. But you owe me. I’ve lived in fear for _months_ because of you.” Kurt bit his tongue, stopping himself from mentioning the nightmares. He would not expose his weakness to his tormentor. “Now tell me the truth. What’s _really_ going on here?”

Karofsky sighed, looking out into the hall at the adults before he answered. “This was Santana’s idea.”

Kurt listened as the jock explained about Santana’s plot to become prom queen. He knew this should change everything and make him decline the offer to return to McKinley, but he missed his friends. “I’m not surprised. But if you’re gay you shouldn’t lie to everyone about who you are.”

“Look, I’m not sure I am gay,” Karofsky said.

Kurt leaned forwards; he was feeling a lot braver now that he was alone in the room with Karofsky. “I have several options here. I could out you in front of everyone-”

“Dude, I _said_ I’m sorry!”

“Or I could transfer back here,” Kurt continued as if he hadn’t been interrupted. “I can become a part of your anti-bullying movement, which I _fully_ believe in, and also demand that we start a chapter of PFLAG here at William McKinley.”

“PFLAG?” Karofsky asked with a frown.

“Parents, Family, and Friends of Lesbians and Gays,” Kurt explained. “You need to be educated, David. I’m not saying you have to come out, but you _need_ to be educated.”

“Oh, man, just kill me now,” Karofsky groaned.

“You think _this_ is bad?” Kurt asked. “You made my life a living hell for _months_! All I’m asking is for you to not let the cycle of hate continue.”

“All right, _fine_ ,” Karofsky agreed.

Kurt drove home with his father after the meeting. He was nervous to tell Blaine that he would be transferring back to McKinley, but Blaine took the news well. He fully supported Kurt, knowing that this was what he really wanted. Kurt held him close, knowing he would miss seeing him every day. But he was happy to be returning to McKinley, where he really belonged.

**K/B**

Kurt was surprised when Mercedes asked him to meet her in the courtyard at noon. He agreed, assuming that she would want to celebrate his transfer as that would be when it was official. He was surprised when she told him that they had met there for an ulterior motive.

He gasped when Blaine appeared, flanked by David and Wes. He wanted to run into Blaine’s arms, but forced himself to stay next to Mercedes. Blaine smiled sadly before he spoke.

“Kurt, Dalton’s going to miss you. You were a great addition to the Warblers, and you made us a stronger team. We hate to see you go, but we know this is where you truly belong. I’ll still see you on the weekends and after school, but these guys won’t.” Blaine nodded towards David and Wes. “So, we wanted to say goodbye.”

“And thank you,” Wes added.

Then, Blaine was singing “Somewhere Only We Know” as the remaining Warblers filed into the courtyard. Kurt let the music wash over him, watching Blaine the entire time. Blaine ran down the steps to the piano, continuing to sing as his fingers danced across the keys. The Warblers followed him in a single-file line. Blaine pushed away from the piano, walking towards Kurt. He took his boyfriend’s hands, leading him down the steps. Blaine continued to sing passionately behind Kurt as each and every Warbler hugged him, whispering words of goodbye. Wes was the last Warbler, and then Kurt was hugging Finn and Mercedes, fighting back his tears. He turned back towards Blaine as the song ended, pulling him into a tight embrace.

“I’m _never_ saying goodbye to you,” Kurt promised.

Blaine squeezed his hand before he followed the other Warblers out, fighting off his own tears. Kurt watched him go with a sad smile on his face. He knew he would miss his friends at Dalton, but he belonged at McKinley. He hadn’t ever been truly happy at the private school, not when all of his close friends were miles away. But now he was back, and he would continue to fight his depression. Kurt had finally come home.


	12. Chapter 11:  Rumours

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Thank you to all those who reviewed, alerted or favorited this story. I have decided to carry this story on into season three. I hope you continue to enjoy reading it. I'm certainly enjoying writing it. This chapter takes place during the "Rumours" episode. Kurt's text messages occur in italics, Blaine's in bold.
> 
> Warnings for this chapter: self-harm
> 
> Spoilers for: 2x19 - Rumours
> 
> Disclaimer: If I owned Glee, I would not be writing this story. "Be Yourself" belongs to Audioslave.

Chapter Eleven: Rumours

_Ding-dong!_ Kurt jumped up the second the doorbell rang. He threw the door open and threw himself into Blaine's arms.

"I missed you _so_ much!" Kurt buried his head in Blaine's shoulder, breathing in his scent.

Blaine laughed. "It's only been a week."

"I know, but I got used to seeing you every day and I just missed you." When Kurt pulled back he was blushing. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be. It's cute and I'm flattered. I missed you too." Blaine kissed him chastely. He pulled Kurt into the house, closing the door behind them.

"I ordered pizza. I hope that's okay. Dad and Carole are having a date night and Finn is at Puckerman's so it's just us. I try to eat healthy for Dad but I really wanted pizza. And what Dad doesn't know won't hurt him," Kurt added as an afterthought.

"Pizza sounds wonderful," Blaine said, pulling Kurt down to sit next to him on the couch.

"So tell me everything. What's been going on at Dalton since my departure?" Kurt asked, leaning against Blaine's chest.

Blaine wrapped his arms around his boyfriend, kissing the top of his head. "Well, David stole Wes's gavel."

" _Again_?" Kurt laughed. "Where did he hide it this time?"

"At the bottom of the swimming pool." Blaine chuckled at the memory.

"Wait, wood floats. How did David get the gavel to stay?" Kurt asked.

"I don't know." Blaine shook his head.

Before Kurt could ask anything else, the doorbell rang. Kurt grabbed a twenty dollar bill off of the coffee table and answered the door. The door swung open to reveal Sam Evans carrying a pizza box, wearing a Pizza Hut uniform.

" _Sam_?" he asked incredulously.

" _Kurt_?" Sam's eyes grew wide with panic. "Oh God, _please_ don't mention this to anyone."

"Of course I won't. But why are you delivering pizzas?" Kurt asked.

Sam sighed unhappily. He looked like he'd rather bolt than answer the question. Kurt grabbed Sam by the arm and pulled him into the house, closing the door behind him. He ushered him into the living room despite Sam's protests. Blaine sat up, leaning forward in his seat.

"What's going on, Sam?" Kurt asked, forcing his friend into a chair.

Sam ran a hand through his hair, nervously. "My dad lost his job. I got a part-time job at Pizza Hut to help out. But now we've lost our home and we're living in a hotel."

"I'm so sorry, Sam. Is there anything we can do?" Kurt asked, motioning towards Blaine.

Sam thought for a second before he answered. "There is one thing. Do you know a cheap place to get clothes?"

"I can do you one better," Kurt replied. "I have some clothes that I never wear. I'll pack them up and bring them to you. Just let me know what room number you're in."

"Thanks, Kurt. I really appreciate it," Sam said, standing up.

"It's no problem, Sam. I'm happy I'm able to help." Kurt answered, walking him to the door. "Seriously, if you need anything else let me know."

"I will. Thanks, dude." Sam clapped Kurt on the back.

Kurt thrust the twenty into Sam's hand. "Keep the change." He closed the door before Sam could protest.

**K/B**

Kurt shifted the bags in his hands so he could knock on the hotel door. He heard movement inside before the door swung open.

"Kurt, come on in." Sam stood back so the boy could enter.

"I know our styles are different so I didn't know what to bring. If you don't like something or if something doesn't fit just let me know." Kurt dropped the bags of clothing on one of the beds.

"Thanks, Kurt. I'll look through everything and let you know what works and what doesn't." Sam stood awkwardly by the door. It was clear that he felt like a charity case. Kurt frowned.

"Everyone goes through tough times, Sam. There's no reason for you to be ashamed. Your parents are doing the best they can right now. At least you didn't lose your house because your parents are drug addicts or anything. You should be proud of them for how hard they're trying." Kurt took a few steps towards Sam.

"I know, Kurt. I am proud of them. I just don't want everyone feeling bad for me. So please, let's just keep this between us." Sam opened the door, stepping out into the night air.

"I will, I promise." Kurt assured him, following him out the door. "Things will get better. You'll see."

"Thanks, Kurt."

"If you need anything else, let me know," Kurt told him, placing a hand on his arm.

"I will. But really, you've done enough."

"Well, I'm willing to do more." Kurt smiled brightly at him before he left. He was so busy trying to find his keys in his messenger bag that he didn't even notice Rachel and Finn hiding out in Finn's car. Nor did he notice Jacob Ben Israel hiding out behind a dumpster.

**K/B**

Kurt was standing by his locker, looking over his French textbook when Rachel suddenly appeared. He instantly knew she wanted something. Rachel hardly ever went looking for someone unless she specifically wanted something out of it.

"Stop it," she told him.

"Stop what?" Kurt asked, not looking up from his textbook.

"I know Sam is attractive but is he _really_ worth losing Blaine?" Rachel asked.

Kurt looked up, confused. "Oh how I've missed your insanity."

"He's _wearing_ your clothes, Kurt," Rachel said seriously. "I know how these things work. Couples swap clothes all the time."

"You know, when Fleetwood Mac wrote _Rumours_ they weren't speaking to each other. The only thing they did talk about was the music. With that focus, they crafted a masterpiece."

"You're avoiding the subject," Rachel accused.

" _No_ , I'm being a team player. I'm not going to waste time on gossip when we could be spending that time preparing for nationals."

Kurt closed his locker and walked away. He hadn't thought that anyone would read so far into Sam wearing his old clothes. The fact that anyone thought he would cheat on Blaine hurt. They obviously didn't know him. Blaine was his entire world. Clearly, the glee club didn't trust him.

Kurt could feel the anxiety and depression flowing through his veins. He had to let it out. He entered the nearest bathroom, choosing the stall farthest away from the door. Kurt dug through his messenger bag until he found his razor. He pulled his sleeve up and pressed the sharp edge against his flesh. The blade sliced into his skin easily, and as the pain poured in, the blood streamed out, taking the bad emotions with it.

**K/B**

The next day, Kurt sat in the back of the choir room in between Mike and Lauren so as to avoid Rachel and Finn. He still couldn't believe that his friend and his step-brother thought he was capable of betraying Blaine in any way. He tried to ignore everyone when they finally noticed Sam wasn't there, until he heard his name.

"Quinn and Kurt are both here so we know he's not doing the dirty," Artie said.

Kurt dug his nails into his upper arms, trying to fight off the pain the accusation brought. Clearly, the glee club's distrust for him ran deeper than he originally thought. Why had he ever left Dalton to return to McKinley? Oh yeah, so he could fight his depression. Instead, he was slipping away to the bathroom to cut in between classes and scratching at his arms to keep himself strong.

As Rachel and Quinn's argument began to get heated, Kurt let his mind wander. He knew he had to tell Blaine what he had done. The thought made him dig his nails in deeper. He felt the skin give away and sighed at the pain. He had to stay strong. He couldn't show everyone how much they were hurting him. What had he done that caused them to deem him untrustworthy?

Sighing unhappily, Kurt pulled his phone out and texted Blaine. _When can you come over?_

His phone vibrated a few seconds later. Kurt opened the message. **Probably not until tomorrow. Are you okay?**

Kurt smiled at his concern before he tapped out another quick message. _I'm fine. My place, tomorrow after school?_

Again, Blaine reply came seconds later. **Sounds great. Call me if you need ANYTHING.**

Kurt sent another message, assuring him that he would call if anything happened. He just hoped nothing would.

**K/B**

The next day was not much better. Rachel and Quinn were firing off at each other again. Kurt ignored them to the best of his ability, but even he could only do so much. The last straw came when everyone began to verbally attack Sam.

"There's nothing going on with me and Sam," Quinn said angrily.

"This whole thing is Sam's fault," Santana said from the back row.

"I agree. Why isn't Sam saying anything about any of this?" Lauren asked.

"Seriously, what you're doing isn't cool. They both have boyfriends." Puck motioned to Quinn and Kurt while he spoke.

" _Enough_! I'm not fooling around with _anyone_! Quinn and Kurt are just helping me." Sam turned slightly in his chair so he could see most of the club.

"So that's what they're calling it these days," Mercedes remarked. Her words cut into Kurt deeper than any razorblade ever could. Mercedes was his best friend, and she thought he was capable of betraying Blaine.

"Wait a second, guys." Will turned to Sam. "How are they helping you out?"

Sam sighed, knowing there was no way out of this now. It had gotten way too out of hand. "Kurt was bringing me clothes and Quinn was helping me babysit my brother and sister."

"In a hotel room?" Finn asked.

"That's where I live now," Sam spat. "My dad lost his job, and then we lost our house. So now we live in one room in that hotel. Are you happy now?" Sam got to his feet. "Now you finally know."

He sprinted from the room before anyone could stop him. Kurt followed him, but by the time he was in the hall, Sam was gone. He sighed unhappily, setting off towards his car. He heard Finn call out behind him but ignored him.

"Kurt, wait up!" Finn ran to catch up to his stepbrother. "Please, will you just talk to me?"

"What do you want me to say, Finn?" Kurt snapped, turning to face him. "It's clear that transferring back here was a mistake. No one trusts me. I'm tired of being hurt. I'm tired of people saying I need to change who I am so others can be happy. Well, I'm _done_ with it, Finn! I'm _done_!"

Kurt stalked off before Finn could say another word. He knew Blaine would be at his house soon, and he wanted to get there before Finn did. He drove faster than usual, trying to leave the memory of the past few days behind him. When he got there, he wasn't surprised to see Blaine's car in the driveway. He hurried up to his room, knowing he'd be waiting for him.

"God, it's so good to see your face." Kurt hurried into Blaine's arms.

Blaine held him close, worried. "Is something wrong?"

"I have to talk to you." Kurt pulled back, staring at his hands. He was nervous. He didn't know how to tell Blaine he had cut himself again. Blaine knew Kurt wasn't trying to stop, but it was still hard for Kurt to admit what he had done when it was such a private thing.

"You know you can tell me anything." Blaine took Kurt's hand, leading him over to sit on the bed. "What's going on?"

Kurt explained about the past week and how everyone in New Directions thought he was cheating on Blaine with Sam. Blaine scoffed at the idea, outraged that anyone would think Kurt capable of such a thing. Kurt kept going, not letting him speak. When he was finally done, he stared at his hands.

"Kurt, what's really going on here? That can't be why you wanted to see me."

"Oh, so now I _need_ a reason to want to see you?" Kurt teased.

"You know what I mean." Blaine laughed. "Whatever it is, just tell me."

Blaine had a bad feeling gnawing in his gut. Somehow, he already knew what Kurt had done. He was just waiting to hear it from Kurt himself.

Frowning, Kurt unbuttoned his sleeve and pulled it up. Blaine closed his eyes, sighing deeply. He opened his eyes, pulling Kurt's wrist up to his lips. He pressed feather-light kisses to each cut and scar there. When he finally pulled back, he asked in a broken voice, "Why?"

"I was just so hurt that no one trusted me. Or that they thought I was a bad enough person to do something like cheat on you. You're my _world_ , Blaine, my everything. I _could_ never do that to you." A tear rolled down Kurt's cheek as he spoke.

"I know you couldn't, Kurt. I know. I trust you. I'm sure your friends just weren't thinking right." Blaine opened his arms to Kurt. "Come here."

Kurt moved into them, sobbing against Blaine's chest. "Maybe transferring back wasn't a good idea after all."

"Don't start that, Kurt. You're happier at McKinley. We both know that. Don't let what happened this week ruin all the good weeks you've had and are going to have. Don't let your depression win." Blaine rubbed his hand up and down Kurt's back soothingly.

"I'm trying, Blaine. I really am trying." Kurt spoke into his chest, breathing in the scent of Blaine.

"I know, love. I know." Blaine kissed the top of his head.

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner," Kurt mumbled.

"It's all right. You told me in the end, which is what matters. You didn't try to hide this. I'm proud of you." Blaine pushed him back slightly so he could look into Kurt's blue-green eyes. "But I want you to call me next time. You aren't alone so don't try to go through this alone. I'm right here with you, every step of the way."

"I know. Thank you." Kurt kissed him chastely, smiling against Blaine's lips when Blaine deepened the kiss. He knew Blaine was right. He was trying to suffer in silence, but he wasn't alone anymore. He didn't have to subject himself to that. He had Blaine, and that was enough.

**K/B**

The next day, Kurt was the last one in the choir room except for Sam, who was missing. Kurt closed his eyes, drawing on all of his strength. He felt stronger after talking to Blaine, and not because of cutting. He knew telling Blaine had been the right thing. Blaine hadn't been angry. He was only worried about Kurt. Blaine had forgiven Kurt for the cuts and the scratches he had marred his own skin with. If Kurt could tell Blaine what he had done, then he could sit through glee club, no problem.

Kurt ignored the group as he chose a seat in the back corner, away from everyone else. He ignored Will as he spoke about the past week. He didn't want to dwell on that anymore; that wouldn't make it any better. He was drawn out of his thoughts when he heard Finn say his name. He was surprised to see his stepbrother was now standing in front of the room; he had never seen him leave his seat.

"Mr. Schue, this doesn't pertain to the assignment but it's something I wanted to do for Kurt." Finn turned to his stepbrother. "None of us treated you right this week, Kurt. We should have known you aren't capable of hurting Blaine in any way. You care about him too much for that to ever happen.

"I know you've been going through a hard time and I haven't been there for you when I should have been. But that stops _now_. From now on, when you need someone to talk to I want you to come to me. We're a family, and family doesn't abandon one another during the tough times. They stick together. I know beating this thing won't be easy, Kurt. But I'm going to help you.

"I know you feel like everyone wants you to change, but we don't." Finn motioned to the group. "We just want you to be happy. So Puck and I have prepared something for you, if you'll let us sing it."

Kurt nodded, unable to speak. Finn's kind words had touched his heart. He knew they didn't always get along, but Finn was at least trying to make things better. That was something.

Puck grabbed his guitar, joining Finn in the front of the room. The music started off slow but grew steadily faster. Finn kept the beat with his foot, looking at Kurt as he began to sing.

_Someone falls to pieces, sleeping all alone._

_Someone kills the pain, spinning in the silence,_

_And finally drifts away._

_Someone gets excited,_

_In a chapel yard and catches a bouquet._

_Another lays a dozen, white roses on a grave._

Puck joined Finn for the chorus, harmonizing the voices. The song was perfect for the two of them. The fact that they had chosen it to sing to Kurt touched him. He just wanted to be accepted, and here they were, telling him it was all right for him to be himself.

_Yeah and to be yourself is all that you can do._

_Hey, to be yourself is all that you can do._

Puck stepped forward to take the second verse, strumming at his guitar while he sang.

_Someone finds salvation in everyone, another only pain._

_Someone tries to hide himself, down inside himself he prays._

_Someone swears his true love until the end of time._

_Another runs away, separate or united, healthy or insane._

Finn started the chorus. Puck echoed after him. Kurt fought back his tears as the music washed over him. He knew now that his relationship with Finn would get better.

_And to be yourself is all that you can do, yeah._

_(All that you can do)_

_To be yourself is all that you can do._

_(All that you can do)_

_To be yourself is all that you can do._

_(All that you can do)_

_Hey, be yourself is all that you can do._

Puck walked around the room as he played the guitar solo. He stopped in front of Kurt, looking deep into his eyes while he sang the bridge.

_Even when you've paid enough,_

_Been pulled apart or been held up._

_Every single memory of the good or bad,_

_Faces of luck._

Finn walked over to kneel beside Kurt. He took his hand in his, squeezing it tightly as he picked up the bridge.

_Don't lose any sleep tonight._

_I'm sure everything will end up alright._

_You may win or lose._

_But to be yourself is all that you can do, yeah._

_To be yourself is all that you can do._

_Oh, to be yourself is all that you can do._

_(All that you can do)_

_Hey, to be yourself is all that you can do._

_(All that you can do)_

_To be yourself is all that you can_

_Be yourself is all that you can_

_Be yourself is all that you can do._

Finn stood up as the song ended, pulling Kurt to his feet. He hugged him tightly, knowing that his stepbrother was far from all right, but he would be eventually.

"Thank you," Kurt told both boys.

"Don't thank us. We were horrible to you and after everything that you've been through. . . ." Puck let his voice trail off.

Kurt was spared from having to answer when Sam entered the room with his brother and sister. He joined the group as they went to the auditorium, singing along loudly as they performed "Don't Stop."

When Mike approached him, Kurt leaned his ear closer so he could hear what he was saying over everyone singing.

"Get his guitar away from him. We have a plan." Mike hurried away before Kurt could respond.

Kurt danced his way over to Sam, coming up behind him and pulling his guitar strap over his head. He ran off with the instrument before Sam could grab him. Mike and Puck came up on either side of Sam while Finn stood behind him. With Finn's help, they lifted Sam up onto Mike and Puck's shoulders.

Kurt watched his extended family while he danced. He knew they were sorry for how they had acted, and while it still hurt, Kurt had forgiven them. Without them, he had no reason to stay at McKinley. Being a part of this group with them gave him so much happiness. Kurt wasn't willing to let this come in between that. Just like the song said, yesterday was gone.


	13. Chapter 12:  Prom Queen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Authors Note contains a spoiler alert for season 3. If you have not yet seen the first episode of season 3 I suggest you skip it.
> 
> A/N: Thank you to everyone who reviewed, favorited, or alerted this story. I love all of you! This chapter takes place during the "Prom Queen" episode. I changed "Dancing Queen" to "Edge of Glory" because that song was really poor taste after what happened to Kurt. I wish they had shown New Directions changing it for that reason. Anyway, I did check the release dates of the episode and the song and found out "Edge of Glory" was only released the day before but I'm sure Kurt would have heard that song by then. I've also decided that it would make sense for Blaine to live in Lima because of season 3. I don't know how the school system works in Ohio but in South Carolina kids are zoned for certain schools, unless if they attend a private school. So in order for Blaine to transfer to McKinley, by the laws that I am familiar with, he would have to live within the WMHS zoning area in Lima. I'm sorry if anyone doesn't like these changes, but regardless of that I hope you enjoy this chapter!
> 
> Warning for this chapter: self-harm
> 
> Spoilers for: 2x20 - Prom Queen
> 
> Disclaimer: This is called fanfiction for a reason! "Edge of Glory" belongs to Lady Gaga. "Let Me Be Myself" belongs to 3 Doors Down. And finally, any quotes that appear in this chapter that were in the TV show are only being borrowed.

  


Chapter Twelve: Prom Queen

Kurt was nervous. He had asked Blaine to Breadsticks so he could make a prom proposal. Most people would assume that their boyfriend would automatically want to go to prom with them, but not Kurt. In the back of his mind, he still had that fear that Blaine would tire of him or finally see how imperfect he truly was. He knew if worst came to worst and Blaine did say no, he could take Mercedes. He had been surprised to hear no one had asked her. While he knew going to prom with Mercedes would be fun, he really wanted to take Blaine. He hadn't spoken to Mercedes since she had stalked out of glee club, but he hoped Rachel had found a way to make the girl feel better. He felt like he had been neglecting his best friend for his boyfriend for far too long.

Kurt was shaken from his thoughts as the hostess appeared to seat them. He wanted to ask Blaine immediately, fearing he would let his nerves win and he would never ask. But the waitress appeared to take their drink orders and before Kurt could find the courage to speak she returned with their beverages.

Finally, after listening to Blaine talk about the Warblers for several minutes, Kurt found his courage. He laid his hand on the table, palm up.

"Give me your hand," Kurt said nervously. He couldn't help but smile when Blaine's skin touched his. He had always found Blaine's touch so comforting. He drew in a deep breath, placing his other hand on top of Blaine's, before he asked, "Blaine Warbler . . . will you go to prom with me?"

" _Prom?_ " Blaine asked, shaking his head.

Kurt's heart fell instantly. "Oh God, you don't want to go with me. I'm _such_ an idiot."

Kurt pulled his hand back, unsuccessfully trying to hide his hurt.

"No, no, no! _Of_ _course_ I want to go with you!" Blaine reached for Kurt's hand, pulling it back into his grasp. "It's just. . ."

Blaine trailed off. He pulled his hand back, running it through his hair. Kurt knew this was one of Blaine's nervous habits.

"What's wrong?" Kurt asked, worried.

"There was an annual Sadie Hawkins' Dance at my old school. I had _just_ come out so I asked one of my friends to go with me. He was the only other gay guy in the school. . . . We were waiting for his dad to pick us up when three guys . . . they beat the living crap out of us." Blaine tried hard not to think about that night. It was easily the worst night of his life, except for the night he spent at Dalton while Kurt was unconscious in the hospital.

Kurt was shocked. He never would've asked Blaine to prom if he had known. "I'm so sorry, Blaine. Why didn't you tell me?"

"I try not to think about it. I just want to keep the past in the past. I'm out and I'm proud and nothing will ever change that. This is just a bit of a sore spot." Blaine leaned his head on his hand. He wanted Kurt to be able to go to prom and be happy, but Blaine knew what could potentially happen if they were to attend.

Kurt thought for a moment, his eyes lighting up when he got an idea. "This is perfect. You couldn't face the bullies at your school but you can at mine. We can do it together. . . . But if this makes you uncomfortable in any way, we won't go. We can go to the movies instead."

Blaine reached for Kurt's hands again, squeezing them slightly. "I am _crazy_ about you."

Kurt smiled, tilting his head to the side. "So I'll take that as a yes?"

"Yes. We are going to the prom." Blaine laughed when Kurt did a dance in his seat.

The rest of the date went perfectly. Kurt could not hide his excitement about prom if his life had depended on it. It was not until after Blaine had dropped Kurt off at his doorstep that the bad feelings washed over him. Kurt went up to his bedroom, closing the door behind him. He never should have asked Blaine to prom. Clearly, it would only bring up bad memories for the boy. Kurt had been selfish and pushed Blaine into it. Why couldn't he just leave it alone?

Kurt's anxiety continued to grow. What if Blaine decided Kurt just wasn't worth it and finally left? Kurt went into his bathroom, finding his razorblade. He pressed the blade against his wrist, watching as the skin broke and blood streamed out. He repeated the action twice before he dropped the blade in the sink. Kurt pulled his phone out of his pocket, choosing Blaine's name from the speed dial options.

"Hey, I just got home. I was about to text you," Blaine answered cheerfully.

Kurt bit down hard on his lip, knowing he was about to ruin Blaine's mood. "I need you."

Unable to hide his tears, Kurt sobbed into the phone. His breath got caught in his throat and he struggled to regain it.

"I'll be there in twenty minutes. Stay on the phone with me, Kurt," Blaine instructed. Kurt could hear the jangle of keys as Blaine grabbed them from the hook. He listened to Blaine's soothing voice until he was finally standing in front of him.

Blaine wasn't surprised to find Kurt in his bathroom when he arrived at the Hudmel's residence. He let himself in, knowing Burt would not mind. He wasn't surprised when he saw Kurt had already cut himself, but he _was_ disappointed. Blaine wished the boy had called him sooner. He could have helped him through whatever thoughts or memories were plaguing him. Kurt was shaking from the force of his sobs, so Blaine pulled him into his arms. He held him close until he stopped crying.

"What happened?" Blaine finally asked.

"I should never have asked you to prom. It's only going to remind you of that night and I hate that I caused you pain. I never want to hurt you." Kurt wiped at his tears.

"You didn't do anything wrong, Kurt. I _want_ to go to prom with you. If I didn't I would have said so. Yes, I was reminded of that night but I need to move on. Not thinking about it isn't helping anything. It's only preventing me from getting over it. You didn't cause me any pain or hurt me in any way." _Except for this_ , Blaine added mentally. He extended Kurt's arm, examining his wounds. "We need to get these wrapped up."

"I'll do it." Kurt pulled his wrist away from Blaine. He pulled out the medical supplies but couldn't keep his hands still to pour hydrogen peroxide over the wounds.

"Here, let me." Blaine took the bottle from Kurt. He carefully cleaned and bandaged his boyfriend's cuts. When he was done, he helped Kurt into his bed. He lay down next to him, looking deep into his eyes. "I wish you had called me sooner. I could have helped. You didn't push me into going to prom. Not at all. On the contrary, I want to be able to parade you around and let _everyone_ know that you're _mine_. I want _everyone_ to know that they can't have you because you're _my_ boyfriend."

"That's sweet." Kurt sniffled.

"Get some sleep, love. You'll feel better when you wake up."

Kurt nodded sleepily, curling up against Blaine's side. Blaine watched over Kurt for several hours, not willing to leave when the boy was so vulnerable. He didn't move when he heard the door open downstairs. Blaine knew Burt and Carole had been at Finn's game that evening. He looked up when the door opened. Burt froze when he saw Blaine.

"Blaine? I thought you and Kurt had a date tonight," Burt said slowly. He knew the boys were aware of his open door policy pertaining to the bedroom when Blaine was over, so he had assumed Kurt was alone when he saw the door was closed.

"We did. I dropped Kurt off but he called me right after I got home. He said he needed me so I drove right back," Blaine explained.

"Did he. . . ?" Burt's voice trailed off, unable to finish his sentence. But Blaine knew what the man was asking.

"He had already done it when he called me," Blaine answered.

Burt closed his eyes, sighing. When he spoke next, his words surprised Blaine. "This isn't your fault, kid. Kurt had the option of calling you before he did anything and he knew that. He just chose not to. My son is very sick, Blaine. But he _will_ get better. Thank you for coming when you did. I know Kurt cares about you very much, and I'm glad to see you feel the same way about him. You can sleep in here for tonight, just keep the door open."

"Thank you, Burt," Blaine said.

"You're welcome. Now get some sleep, kid."

Blaine nodded, pulling Kurt closer. He tried to sleep but insomnia plagued him until the early hours of the morning when he finally fell asleep listening to Kurt's soft breathing.

**K/B**

Bright morning light streamed through the open windows, hitting the bed where the boys lay curled up together. Kurt had been awake for several minutes, watching Blaine sleep. He was unwilling to wake him when he knew the boy had been up half the night worried about him. So Kurt watched as Blaine slept peacefully. He swore loudly when his phone rang, hoping the noise wouldn't wake Blaine up. Kurt fumbled for the phone on his nightstand, pressing the green answer button as he lifted it to his ear.

"Hello?" he answered quietly.

"Hey, Kurt! Some of us girls are going shopping today for prom dresses and we wanted to know if you would be interested in tagging along." Tina's voice was far too cheerful for eight o'clock on a Saturday morning.

"What time are you going?" Kurt whispered into the phone, slipping out of bed to stand by the window.

"Around ten I think. Why are you whispering?" Tina asked.

"Blaine's asleep," Kurt answered. He instantly regretted his honesty.

"Oooh, I'm not interrupting anything am I?" Tina asked with a giggle.

Kurt groaned as Santana's voice drifted through the phone, demanding to know what exactly Tina had interrupted.

"No, you're not interrupting anything. Like I just said, Blaine's still asleep. There wouldn't be anything to interrupt anyway. I'll meet you at the mall at ten o'clock." Kurt pressed end before Tina could ask any more embarrassing questions.

When Kurt turned back to the bed, he wasn't surprised to see Blaine blinking sleepily at him.

"Who was that?" Blaine yawned widely.

"Tina. She wants me to go shopping with her and the girls for prom dresses," Kurt explained as he climbed back under the covers, allowing Blaine to cuddle against his side.

"Mm, we should just stay here for the whole day." Blaine rested his head on Kurt's chest, not wanting to move for the rest of his life as long as he was in Kurt's arms.

"As lovely as that sounds, I already said yes. Sorry, honey." Kurt kissed the top of his head. "We need to get up anyway or my dad will come looking for me."

"He already knows I'm here. He came in to check on you last night and I was still awake." Blaine mumbled against Kurt's skin.

"Even more reason for us to wake up," Kurt said, slipping out from under Blaine.

"No, come back." Blaine let his head fall to the mattress with a _thump_.

"You know, it _is_ Saturday morning, which means Carole is cooking breakfast. Do you smell bacon?" Kurt asked with a mischievous smile on his face.

"Fine! I'm up, I'm up." Blaine grumbled as he pushed the covers back.

Kurt laughed, knowing if anything would get Blaine out of bed it would be food.

**K/B**

Helping Tina, Brittany and Lauren find the perfect dresses had been easy. Santana was harder. She wasn't satisfied with anything until Kurt finally pushed a red dress at her and shoved her into a fitting room. Santana looked amazing in the dress, of course. Satisfied that his job was done, Kurt pushed off of the couch he had been sitting on.

"Now if you will excuse me, I need to start planning for my own prom outfit." Kurt turned to face Tina, Brittany and Lauren.

"Wait, you're going to prom? _Alone?_ That's pathetic." Santana frowned.

Kurt spun on his heel, addressing Santana. "Yes, I'm going .And I won't be alone either." Kurt turned his attention back to the other girls. "I'm going with Blaine!"

The girls shrieked, rushing to embrace him and offer words of congratulations.

"Kurt, can I ask you a private fashion question?" Santana asked, pulling him behind a privacy partition before he could answer. "Kurt, if you're going to prom the Bully Whips should be there to escort you. Dave and I would be more than happy to oblige."

"And why would you be _oh_ so willing to do that?" Kurt asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Because I need votes to be prom queen, and this will definitely get me some."

Kurt knew he would be stupid to turn down the offer, even though he hated the idea of going to prom with a security detail. It only reminded him of the fact of how much people hated him because of the fact that he was gay. Kurt didn't wait for the girls to pay for his dresses. He lied, saying his dad wanted him home and left before they could protest. He almost felt bad for abandoning them, almost. As he climbed into his Navigator, the guilt left when he pulled a razorblade out from his console. He had hidden it inside an old CD case, knowing no one would think to look there. He rolled his sleeve up, pushing the blade in just below his elbow. He sighed in relief, placing a bandage over the new wound. He pressed against the gauze, causing a fresh wave of pain. Kurt relished in the physical hurt, allowing it to block out the mental. He felt so alienated before, broken, but now he was whole.

**K/B**

Kurt asked Blaine over after school so he could model his prom outfit. Blaine waited for him in the living room with Finn. Blaine had long lost any awkwardness he might have had being around the jock without Kurt present.

"So do you think I can jam with you guys at prom?" Blaine asked when Finn returned from getting a glass of milk.

"Yeah, totally." Finn nodded.

"Hey, guys, good news!" Burt announced as he stepped through the door, taking a second to hang his coat up on the rack. "My buddy down at the tux rental shop is giving you half off."

"Awesome." Finn smiled as Burt relaxed in his armchair with the day's newspaper.

"No need for half off my outfit!" Kurt exclaimed, sliding into the room dressed in a kilt. He put his hands on his hips and swayed slightly on the spot.

"Because half of it is already off?" Burt asked, looking up at his son over the newspaper.

"My ensemble is an homage to the recent royal wedding and the late Alexander McQueen. I had to make it myself. There is simply nothing off the rack that is suitable for the young fashionable man in Ohio."

Blaine bit his cheek to keep from laughing. This was so like Kurt, to try to wear a kilt to prom.

"Dude, that rocks! It's like gay _Braveheart_." Finn took a sip of his milk.

Kurt smiled, taking a moment to spin around so the kilt flew out. Burt folded up the newspaper, placing it to the side. He looked at Kurt carefully before he spoke.

"I don't like it."

"Of course you don't like it! It's not ready yet!" Kurt took a few steps towards Blaine. "It still needs a sash or something."

He turned to show Blaine the back of the outfit. Burt leaned forward in his chair.

"I'm not going to force you to wear a tux, but honestly, I think you're trying to get a rise out of everyone," Burt said. "I think you're trying to draw attention to yourself."

Kurt frowned. "Exactly. That's the entire point of dressing up for prom. Blaine, help me out here."

Blaine hesitated, not wanting to upset his boyfriend but knowing he had to be honest with him. He glued his eyes to Kurt's face so he could measure his response. "Kurt, I think your dad may have a point."

Kurt didn't speak, but spun his head around to look at Blaine.

All eyes on him, Blaine continued. "I think your dad is trying to say we don't need to give anyone a reason to start something."

"There are a lot of bad people out there, Kurt. And some of them are going to be a lot worse than that Karofsky kid. All they need is a match to light under the fire of their hate. You know I want you to be yourself, Kurt. But I _need_ you to be safe and practical."

Kurt looked on the verge of tears as he took several steps back. "I have done _everything_ right. Blaine, I know you're scared after what happened to you but prom is supposed to be about happiness, not fear." Kurt turned to face his father. "So I am wearing this kilt. I worked hard on it and I think it's fantastic." Kurt turned his attention back towards Blaine. "And if you don't want to join me, then I understand."

Kurt bolted to his room, locking the door behind him. He heard Blaine following after him, but he ignored him. He was tired of everyone telling him he had to change. It just was not fair. He couldn't change the fact that he was gay, more than he could change the fact that Finn was straight. There was absolutely nothing he could do about it.

Blaine swore loudly when he turned the door handle but it wouldn't budge. Kurt had locked him out.

"Kurt, _open_ _the_ _door_ ," Blaine said firmly.

Kurt didn't answer but strode across the room and into his bathroom. He heard Blaine jiggling the door handle but he ignored that too. By the time Blaine had managed to force the door open, the blade was already resting in the palm of Kurt's hand. Blaine was instantly by his side, taking the razor away from him. He looked at the object with such hate that it shocked Kurt.

"It wouldn't even do any good if I threw this away, would it?" Blaine asked bitterly.

"No," Kurt said brokenly, knowing there was no point in lying. Blaine already knew the answer.

"Kurt," Blaine sighed. "You need to try harder. You can't keep doing this. This depression is just eating away at you and I can't do anything but watch. That _kills_ me, Kurt. Watching you suffer each day, unable to make a difference . . . that kills me."

"I am trying!" Kurt didn't know where the anger was coming from but it erupted out of him like a volcano. "I'm trying as hard as I can!"

"I know. I'm sorry." Blaine put the razor down on the counter, making sure it was far out of Kurt's reach. "I just wish you needed _me_ more than you needed _it_."

Kurt's anger instantly faded. "Oh, honey. I need you more than _anything_. And I can't believe you don't think you make a difference because you make _all_ the difference in the world. Remember, you saved my life. If it weren't for you, I'd be dead."

Blaine smiled sadly, shaking his head. "But that doesn't change the fact that you're still cutting yourself."

Kurt didn't know how to answer, except to whisper, "No. It doesn't."

Blaine felt a tear roll down his cheek but he wiped it away, hastily. "Come on, let's go watch TV with your dad and Finn."

Kurt followed after him, wishing he could assure Blaine that he wouldn't cut himself again, but knowing he couldn't.

**K/B**

Kurt tried to ignore Karofsky as he walked towards French class, but it was impossible. Nobody paid them much attention, but Kurt was still glad when they reached the class room.

"Don't leave the classroom until I get here after the bell rings. I'll walk you to the cafeteria for lunch," Karofsky instructed.

"Have you noticed no one's bothered me this week?" Kurt asked as Karofsky turned to leave.

"Yeah, because the Bully Whips are protecting you," Karofsky said with a cocky smile.

"Maybe, _or_ maybe no one cares anymore." Kurt shrugged.

"You're dreaming."

"Look, I'm not saying the entire school is ready to embrace the gay but maybe they've finally evolved enough to be indifferent." Kurt looked at Karofsky seriously. "I know how miserable you are, Dave. It was easy to hate you when you were harassing me, but now all I see is pain. You don't have to torture yourself over this. I'm not saying you have to come out tomorrow, but maybe sometime soon the moment will arise when you can."

The bell rang and Karofsky looked ready to bolt. Kurt was shocked to see the jock was fighting back tears.

"What's wrong?" Kurt asked, alarmed.

"I'm so sorry, Kurt. I treated you horribly. I'm sorry for what I did to you," Karofsky said.

"I know and I forgive you," Kurt said slowly. "But I can't just forget everything that went down. I can't forget that you made my life a living hell." For a second, Kurt considered showing Karofsky his scars, letting him know how badly he had affected him. But he didn't. Instead, Kurt continued to speak. "But we can both learn from it, and we can benefit others with what we learn."

Karofsky nodded, wiping away his tears. "Thanks. Remember, wait for me."

Then he turned around and left.

**K/B**

Prom night had finally arrived, and Kurt could not have been happier. He danced with Blaine at every opportunity and when Blaine was singing with Tina and Brittany, he took a moment to spin Mercedes around the dance floor.

Kurt hadn't been surprised when Finn had been stupid enough to start something with Jesse. He watched as Sue escorted the two out of the gymnasium. And of course, the only thing Quinn had cared about was her dream of being crowned prom queen being destroyed.

Kurt leaned against Blaine's side, smiling when Blaine wrapped an arm around him. They had both been surprised when Karofsky was announced as prom king. Kurt had expected Puck to win in Finn's absence. But that surprise was eclipsed by the horror they both felt when Figgins announced prom queen.

"And now, your 2011 McKinley High prom queen, with an overwhelming number of write-in votes, is . . . Kurt Hummel."

Blaine instantly turned to look at Kurt, tightening his hold on the boy. Kurt felt his soul shatter as every head turned his way. He tore himself away from Blaine, running out of the gymnasium before anyone could stop him.

He heard Blaine calling after him, but he didn't stop. He ran all the way out of the building until he reached his car. Kurt knew Blaine was still behind him, but Kurt was faster and managed to get to the Navigator before Blaine could catch up to him. He pulled his razorblade out of the CD case in his console and pushed his sleeve up. Blaine reached him right as he brought the blade down to his skin. He tore the blade out of Kurt's grasp, flinging it across the parking lot.

" _No_! Just let me make it go away! Please, just _make_ _it_ _stop!_ " Kurt sobbed, reaching for his messenger bag next.

Blaine pulled Kurt into his arms, trapping Kurt's hands in between their chests. He held tight, not letting go when Kurt tried to push him away.

" _No_ , Kurt. I'm _not_ going to let you hurt yourself. I'm _not_ going to let you give those jerks the satisfaction of knowing that they made you break." Blaine moved a hand up to Kurt's head, cradling it gently.

"Don't you get how stupid we were?" Kurt choked out. "We thought because no one was teasing us or beating us up that no one cared. Like some kind of progress had been made. When in reality, _nothing_ has changed. Everything's still the same."

"It's just someone's idea of a stupid joke." Blaine let Kurt push him away, watching as he began to pace.

"No it's not. All that hate, they were just too afraid to say it out loud. So they did it by secret ballot. All I am to them is one big practical joke." Kurt kept moving, feeling like he would fall apart completely if he stood still.

Blaine sank to the ground, wishing he could take the pain away but knowing he couldn't. He felt helpless, seeing his boyfriend in so much pain.

"I'm not going back in there. I _can't_."

Ten minutes passed without either of them speaking. Finally, Blaine sighed, looking up at Kurt. "Will you at least sit down? If you want to go, we'll go. No one is making you go back in there."

Kurt turned to face him, slowly walking towards him. He was calmer now. When he spoke, Blaine was surprised at how sure his voice sounded.

"Wasn't this night supposed to be about redemption? About taking away that lump you had in your throat from running away? If we leave now, all it will do is give me a lump too."

"So what do you want to do?" Blaine asked slowly.

Kurt pointed towards the building. "I'm going to go back in there and get coronated. I'm going to show them that it doesn't matter if they are yelling at me or whispering behind my back. _They_. _Can't_. _Touch_. _Me_." Kurt sank to his knees beside Blaine. "They can't touch _us_." Blaine shifted towards Kurt, taking his hands in his. "Or what we have."

"Are you _sure_ about this?" Blaine asked.

"Positive," Kurt nodded.

Blaine got to his feet, offering Kurt a hand. Kurt took it, smiling when Blaine pulled him into his arms. He kissed him softly when he pulled back. At Kurt's nod, he led the way back to the school.

Mercedes turned to Santana when Kurt reentered the gymnasium. Her eyes darted to her best friend before she spoke quietly, "We can't sing 'Dancing Queen' after this."

"I agree, but what can we sing?" Santana asked.

Mercedes thought for a minute. "What's Kurt's favorite motto?"

"What would Gaga do?" Santana answered. "Brilliant."

The entire school watched as Kurt walked up onto the stage. He stopped once he reached Figgins. He didn't show any emotion as Figgins announced him as prom queen once more, placing the crown on his head and handing him a scepter. But he did manage to fake a smile as he stepped up the microphone and said, "Eat your heart out, Kate Middleton."

The gymnasium burst into applause and even Figgins laughed. Figgins waited until everyone had settled down to speak.

"And now the traditional prom king and queen dance."

Kurt and Karofsky stepped forward. Kurt could tell the jock was uncomfortable so he glanced at him.

"Now's your moment."

"What?"

"You can make a difference. Come out."

Karofsky turned to face him as Mercedes began to sing, with Santana echoing behind her. He looked helpless as he muttered, "I can't."

_There ain't no reason you and me should be alone,_

_Tonight, yeah baby! (Tonight, yeah baby!)_

Karofsky turned and fled the gymnasium. Kurt watched him leave, standing helplessly as all eyes were on him. He spun around when he heard a voice behind him.

_And I got a reason that you're who should take me home tonight (Tonight)_

As Santana picked up the melody and Mercedes took the harmony, Blaine stepped forward.

"Excuse me." Kurt spun around when he heard the voice. "May I have this dance?"

Kurt couldn't help but smile as Blaine offered him his hand.

"Yes, yes you may." Kurt took Blaine's hand. Blaine placed his other hand on Kurt's waist while Kurt lifted his to Blaine's shoulder. They swayed to the music, unable to tear their eyes away from each other.

_I need a man that thinks its right when it's so wrong,_

_Tonight, yeah, baby! (Tonight, yeah, baby!)_

_Right on the limits where we know we both belong tonight._

_It's hard to feel the rush, to brush the dangerous._

_I'm gonna run right to, to the edge with you,_

_Where we can both fall far in love._

Blaine looked up at Kurt, leaning in so Kurt could hear him speak. "I'm so proud of you. Tonight, you showed everyone just how strong you are. You showed everyone what true courage is."

_I'm on the edge of glory, and I'm hanging on a moment of truth._

_Out on the edge of glory, and I'm hanging on a moment with you._

_I'm on the edge, the edge, the edge, the edge, the edge, the edge, the edge._

_I'm on the edge of glory, and I'm hanging on a moment with you._

_I'm on the edge with you._

"I couldn't have done it without you," Kurt said after a while. He stopped dancing, pulling Blaine aside. "Can we just go home? I want to be alone with you."

_It's hard to feel the rush, to brush the dangerous._

_I'm gonna run right to, to the edge with you,_

_Where we can both fall far in love._

"What about your dad?" Blaine asked.

_I'm on the edge of glory, and I'm hanging on a moment of truth._

_I'm on the edge of glory, and I'm hanging on a moment with you._

"I'll take care of him. Please, don't leave me alone tonight." Kurt pleaded.

_I'm on the edge, the edge, the edge, the edge, the edge, the edge, the edge,_

_I'm on the edge of glory, and I'm hanging on a moment with you._

_I'm on the edge with you (with you, with you, with you, with you, with you)._

"All right. Let's go home." Blaine let Kurt lead him from the gymnasium. No one from New Directions tried to stop them, knowing that the night had been trying for the both of them.

They drove back to the Hudmel residence in silence. When they entered the house, Burt and Carole were waiting for them in the living room.

"Kurt! Were you crowned prom king?" Carole asked, surprised.

"No, I wasn't." Kurt said slowly, turning to his father. "I was crowned prom _queen_."

Burt was instantly on his feet, but Kurt stopped him before he could speak.

"I'm fine, Dad. Or at least, I will be. Blaine was _amazing_ and helped me through it. Without him, I would have hurt myself tonight. So _please_ , can he stay over? I really don't want to be alone and I just need him. We'll sleep with the door open and I promise nothing will happen. But I need him tonight. So please, Dad, let him stay."

Burt turned to look at Carole, who nodded. He turned back around, pulling Kurt into his arms.

"Whatever you need, son. I'll be right down the hall if either of you needs me." Burt then surprised Blaine by embracing him as well.

The boys both hugged Carole as they passed her on the way up to Kurt's room. They didn't speak as they took turns changing in the bathroom before falling into bed. Blaine let Kurt be the little spoon without him asking, knowing it was exactly what he needed. He curled his body around Kurt's, staying awake just long enough to make sure that Kurt didn't have trouble falling asleep himself.

Blaine awoke to screams early the next morning. He leaned over Kurt, trying to shake him awake. Burt burst into the room just as Blaine had given up on that method of awakening. He pressed kisses to Kurt's lips, forehead, and cheeks.

"You're all right, Kurt. You're all right. You're safe." Blaine muttered in between kisses.

"Kurt, wake up, son." Burt knelt next to the bed.

Doing his best to ignore the fact that Burt was in the room, Blaine pressed his lips to Kurt's hard. He felt Kurt jump beneath him and knew it had worked. He pulled back, running a hand through Kurt's hair.

"You're all right. You're safe. Nothing is going to harm you," Blaine promised.

Burt stayed by Kurt's side, watching how Blaine knew exactly what to do to calm Kurt down. He knew by the way that Blaine cared for his son that this was not the first time Blaine had witnessed Kurt's nightmares.

"Are you going to be okay?" Burt asked some time later.

Kurt nodded against Blaine's chest.

"I have to go in to work but call me if you need anything. Carole's already left but Finn is still here. If you need anything let one of us know." Burt kissed Kurt's forehead and squeezed Blaine's shoulder before he left.

"Do you want to try to go back to sleep?" Blaine asked after he heard the front door close.

"No," Kurt whimpered.

"How do you feel?" Blaine asked.

"How I always feel," Kurt answered. Blaine's heart broke, knowing what he was about to say. "Like everyone wants me to be anyone but myself."

"I don't. I want you to be you because you are the most beautiful person I know, Kurt. Inside and out." Blaine pressed a kiss to his hair. "Do you want to sing? It'll make you feel better."

"I don't know what to sing."

"I'll start then and you can join in."

At Kurt's nod, Blaine slipped out of the bed to switch Kurt's iPod for his own in the iHome. He curled back up behind Kurt as he began to sing.

_I guess I just got lost,_

_Being someone else._

_I tried to kill the pain,_

_Nothing ever helped._

_I left myself behind,_

_Somewhere along the way._

_Hoping to come back around,_

_To find myself someday._

Kurt drew in a deep breath before he started to sing with Blaine, harmonizing their voices. He was glad Blaine had thought of this song, as it was perfect for how he was currently feeling.

_Lately I'm so tired of waiting for you,_

_To say that it's okay, but tell me._

_Please, would you one time,_

_Just let me be myself?_

_So I can shine with my own light._

_Let me be myself._

_Would you let me be myself?_

Blaine let Kurt take over the melody while he sang the harmony. He hoped this would make Kurt feel at least a little bit better. He knew the previous night had been very painful, and he hoped singing would lessen some of that residual pain.

_I'll never find my heart,_

_Behind someone else._

_I'll never see the light of day,_

_Living in this cell._

_It's time to make my way,_

_Into the world I knew._

_Take back all of these times,_

_That I gave in to you._

Kurt felt tears well up behind his eyes as he thought back to the previous night. He let them flow over, not bothering to fight them. He found the singing to be cathartic as he let the pain flow out of him and into the song.

_Lately I'm so tired of waiting for you,_

_To say that it's okay, but tell me._

_Please, would you one time,_

_Let me be myself?_

_So I can shine with my own light._

_And let me be myself._

_For a while, if you don't mind._

_Let me be myself._

_So I can shine with my own light._

_Let me be myself._

Blaine knew exactly how Kurt felt. His own father tried to ignore the fact he was gay. Coming out had been the worst. But after he had been attacked, Blaine's father had found it a little easier to accept his son. He was still not comfortable with the fact that he had a gay son, but he no longer tried to change him. They didn't have the best relationship, but once his father had let Blaine be who he was, they had started to mend it.

_That's all I've ever wanted from this world,_

_Is to let me be me._

_Please, would you one time,_

_Let me be myself?_

_So I can shine with my own light._

_Let me be myself._

_Please, would you one time,_

_Let me be myself?_

_So I can shine with my own light._

_Let me be myself._

_For a while, if you don't mind._

_Let me be myself._

_So I can shine with my own light._

_Let me be myself._

_Would you one time, oooh._

_Let me be myself._

_Let me be me._

Kurt wiped his tears away as the song ended. Blaine pulled him closer, kissing him deeply. When they finally pulled away for air, Blaine pressed a chaste kiss to his lips.

"I meant what I said last night. I'm _so_ proud of you, Kurt," Blaine said.

"Thank you," Kurt replied softly.

Kurt burrowed into Blaine's arms, smiling when Blaine tightened his embrace. He felt safe, lying in Blaine's arms. He knew in that one moment, nothing could touch them. They had each other, and that was enough.


	14. Chapter 13:  Funeral

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Thank you to everyone who reviewed, favorite, and alerted this story. This chapter takes place during the "Funeral" episode. The "Bill of Rights for People Who Self-Harm" is a real thing and if you are a self-harmer I encourage you to print it off to make sure you receive adequate medical care if ever needed. A link to this can be found on my profile page.
> 
> Warning for this chapter: self-harm
> 
> Spoilers for: 2x21 - Funeral
> 
> Disclaimer: I do not own Glee. Any quotes that appear in this chapter that were in the show are only being borrowed. "Everybody Hurts" belongs to R.E.M. I do not own "The Bill of Rights for People Who Self-Harm." "Bent" belongs to Matchbox 20.

  


Chapter Thirteen: Funeral

"I have to go soon," Blaine said regretfully. He pressed his lips to the back of Kurt's head, breathing in his scent. He was glad they had time like this together, but it always seemed too short, especially on the week days.

"I know," Kurt answered sadly, tightening his arms around Blaine. He snuggled deeper into Blaine's arms, burying his head in Blaine's chest.

A knock sounded at the door, followed by Finn calling out, "Kurt?"

"What is it, Finn?" Kurt asked, not looking at him.

Finn stepped into the room tentatively. He stopped once he reached the edge of Kurt's bed. "I just got off the phone with Rachel. Coach Sue's sister, Jean, died on Sunday. I thought we should do something for Sue since we know what it's like to lose someone."

Kurt's body tensed instantly. He was no longer in his bedroom with Blaine and Finn, but at the hospital with his dad. Burt was explaining that his mom had gone to live with God in Heaven. That was when Kurt stopped believing in God. What type of God would take his mother away from him? Blaine frowned when he felt Kurt's muscles turn to stone. He shifted Kurt off of him slightly so he could see his face.

"Kurt? Hey, _look_ at me. Come on, stay with me." Blaine cradled Kurt's face with his hand, lifting his head.

"What's wrong with him?" Finn asked when Kurt remained unresponsive.

"He's having a flashback." Blaine shook Kurt gently. "Kurt, listen to me. Wherever you went, you're _not_ really there. You're here with me and Finn in your bedroom and you're safe. Listen to me, Kurt. _Please_ , listen to me."

Lost in the flashback, Kurt began to cry along with his eight-year-old self. It was like he was experiencing everything again for the first time and the pain was eating away at his heart. He couldn't hear Blaine or Finn calling to him.

"Shit," Blaine cursed as tears began to fall from Kurt's eyes. "Come on, baby. Listen to me. I know you're hurting but I can't help you until you come back to me."

Kurt's body began to tremble as his sobs increased in intensity. His breathing grew ragged as his heart raced in his chest. Blaine remembered Dr. Madsen explaining that the flashbacks stemmed from anxiety and was a type of anxiety attack. This was only the second flashback Kurt had experienced, and Blaine was thankful that it did not appear to be as bad as the previous one.

"Finn, go into the bathroom and get Kurt's anti-anxiety medication. It should be in the medicine cabinet," Blaine instructed. Finn listened instantly. Blaine turned his attention back to Kurt. "Kurt, listen to my voice. You're safe. I've got you. _No_ _one_ is going to hurt you."

Unable to think of anything else Blaine pressed his lips to Kurt's hard, hoping to jar him from his memory. Blaine could taste the salt from Kurt's tears, but he ignored it. He pressed kisses to Kurt's forehead, his cheeks, his nose and his lips.

"Please, Kurt. It's all right. You're okay. You're safe." Blaine was running out of ideas. He cradled Kurt's head against his chest, pressing his ear against Blaine's heart.

Kurt gasped suddenly as he was finally torn out of the memory. His fingers clawed at Blaine's shirt as he sobbed. "Blaine!"

"I'm right here, baby. I'm right here. You're safe." Blaine held him closer, kissing the top of Kurt's head.

Kurt was crying harder now, the pain of his mother's passing still with him. Blaine thought he heard Kurt whimper "Mommy" but he wasn't sure. Finn returned with the anti-anxiety pills and a glass of water.

"Here, Kurt. Take this." Blaine pressed one of the pills to his lips. Kurt opened his mouth and took the medicine, gulping down water when Blaine lifted the glass to his mouth.

Kurt continued to cry, clinging to Blaine. He tightened his grip on Blaine's shirt, sobbing into Blaine's neck. "Don't leave me! Please, don't leave me!"

"I'm not, baby. I'm right here." Blaine held him tight, making shushing noises to try to comfort him.

Blaine knew he couldn't stay much longer. He had to leave soon if he was going to make curfew on time. But he couldn't leave Kurt alone like this. Blaine knew the anti-anxiety medication would make Kurt drowsy so he waited until his weight sagged against him. He shifted Kurt's head off of his chest and onto his pillow, slipping his body out from under Kurt's.

"What was that all about?" Finn asked nervously.

"His mom, I think. I heard him say 'Mommy' right before you came back. I should have known from the start; the smallest death reminds Kurt of his mom. Look, I've got to get back to Dalton but I can't leave him alone. He'll probably have a nightmare and try to hurt himself. Would you mind staying with him, please?" Blaine asked.

"Sure, man. Just let me get some blankets and a pillow from my room." Finn left before Blaine could say anything else. He returned just as quickly, laying the blankets on the ground by Kurt's bedside.

"If he has a nightmare, call me. You can try singing to him if he gets upset again." Blaine was hesitant to leave Kurt's side but he knew he couldn't risk being locked out of Dalton after curfew. He pressed a kiss to Kurt's head, pulling the blankets up to his shoulders.

"I'll take care of him, Blaine. Don't worry," Finn said as he followed Blaine down the stairs to the front door.

"Thanks, Finn. Promise you'll call me if he has a nightmare?" Blaine stood in the doorway, reluctant to leave his boyfriend when he was so vulnerable.

"I promise," Finn said.

Blaine nodded before saying goodbye and hurrying to his car before he changed his mind and decided to stay regardless of curfew. Finn watched Blaine drive away, lifting his hand to wave goodbye before he returned to Kurt's room. His stepbrother was still asleep. Finn turned the light off before he sank down onto his makeshift bed, falling asleep instantly.

**K/B**

Several hours later, Finn woke to screams. He pushed the blanket away, jumping to his feet. Finn shook Kurt roughly, relieved when the boy awoke instantly. Finn pulled Kurt into his arms, holding him close to his chest.

"You're okay, Kurt. You're all right. I'm gonna call Blaine." Finn grabbed Kurt's phone off of his nightstand, scrolling through the contacts until he found Blaine's number. He pressed the call button.

"Kurt?" Blaine asked sleepily, picking up on the second ring.

"It's Finn. Kurt had a nightmare." Finn could feel the tremors wracking through Kurt's entire body. He held him closer, not knowing what else to do.

"Shit. If he's shaking, hold him close and let him listen to your heartbeat." Blaine's voice was instantly more alert.

"I'm holding him but he's still shaking." Finn was afraid to tighten his embrace on Kurt further, not wanting to hurt him.

"Okay, that should help calm him down just give it time. Did you try singing to him?" Blaine asked.

"No. Hold on, let me turn on speaker phone." Finn looked at the screen of the unfamiliar phone, pressing the correct button once he found it. "Okay, what should I sing?"

"Something slow," Blaine answered.

"All right, I think I have something." Finn began to sing before Blaine could ask what song he was thinking of.

_When your day is long,_

_And the night, the night is yours alone._

_When you're sure you've had enough,_

_Of this life, well hang on._

Recognizing the song, Blaine began to harmonize his voice with Finn's. He was glad that Finn had thought to put him on speaker. Maybe hearing his voice would help calm Kurt down further.

_Don't let yourself go._

' _Cause everybody cries._

_And everybody hurts sometimes._

As they started the second verse, Blaine sang backup softly. He hated not being there when Kurt was so upset, but he was glad he at least had Finn. Lord only knew what Kurt would have done if he had woken up alone. Still, it was hard for Blaine to not be there watching Kurt's reaction to see if he was calming down.

_Sometimes everything is wrong._

_Now it's time to sing along,_

_When your day is night alone (hold on, hold on)._

_If you feel like letting go (hold on),_

_If you think you've had too much,_

_Of this life, well hang on._

As if they had some unspoken agreement, Blaine took over the melody. Finn picked up the harmony. He noticed the tremors had almost completely left Kurt, his body only quivering slightly every now and then.

' _Cause everybody hurts._

_Take comfort in your friends._

_Everybody hurts._

_Don't throw your hand, oh no._

_Don't throw your hand._

_If you feel like you're alone._

_No, no, no, you are not alone._

The last of the trembling stopped and Kurt's breathing slowly returned to normal. Finn continued to hold his stepbrother close, glad he was finally calming down.

_If you're on your own in this life,_

_The days and nights are long,_

_When you think you've had too much of this life to hang on._

_Well, everybody hurts sometimes._

_Everybody cries._

_Everybody hurts sometimes._

_And everybody hurts sometimes._

Finn felt Kurt's body sag against his chest and he knew the boy was asleep. He lowered his voice, not wanting to wake Kurt.

_So hold on, hold on._

_Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on._

_Everybody hurts._

"Is he asleep?" Blaine asked when the song had ended.

"Yeah, he is."

"He shouldn't wake up again. He normally only has one nightmare a night but if it happens again call me." Blaine paused for a second. " _Thank_ _you_ for staying with him, Finn. I wish I was able to stay with him but I was five minutes late for curfew as it was."

"It's no problem, Blaine. I told Kurt I was going to be here for him from now on and I meant it. You didn't get in trouble over curfew, did you?" Finn asked.

"No, my friend David helped me sneak in." Blaine answered.

"Cool. Blaine, I just want to thank you for everything you've done for Kurt. You've been there for him when I should have been and . . . well I'm just glad he has someone like you," Finn finished awkwardly.

"Thank you, Finn. Get some sleep. Remember, call me if it happens again," Blaine said.

"I will," Finn assured him. "Bye."

"Bye."

**K/B**

"Are you sure you want to do this? I can go in there alone if you can't," Finn asked Kurt for the umpteenth time.

Kurt looked straight ahead, his resolve hardened. He kept his head held high as he replied, "I'm _sure_ , Finn."

They reached the door to Sue's office. Kurt took a deep breath before he knocked on the open door.

"Coach Sylvester?" he asked softly.

"We brought you some flowers," Finn told her as he followed Kurt into the room.

"We're sorry for your loss," Kurt said with sincerity.

"Thank you. You can put them with the rest." Sue nodded towards the various flower arrangements that had been placed in the corner of the room.

Kurt put his flowers down, then taking the teddy bear from Finn to place it next to the bouquet.

"Why did you bother doing this after everything I've done to the glee club?" Sue asked, getting to her feet. She walked around to the front of the desk. "I've made your lives a _living_ _hell_ , with enjoyment . . . and here you are comforting me."

"We both know what it's like to lose someone that you love dearly," Kurt answered.

"I sort of do; my dad died when I was a baby." Finn cut in.

"And my mom died when I was eight," Kurt added.

Sue nodded before she spoke. "So how do you think you can help me? Are you here to tell me how I'm _supposed_ to deal with this?"

"Not at all." Kurt shook his head.

"Because, honestly, I _don't_ know how to deal with this." Sue continued as if Kurt had not interjected. "I can't bring myself to enter that nursing home and go through Jean's belongings. And I _won't_ plan a funeral."

With a sneaking suspicion, Kurt couldn't stop himself from asking, "Have you told your mother yet?"

"She said her goodbyes years ago." Kurt looked like he wanted to say something, but when he didn't Sue kept speaking. "I wish someone would explain to me why it was _her_ time and not mine. Jean's the _sweetest_ person I ever met, and as both of you could attest to, I'm probably the _meanest_. So why am I the one standing here talking to _you_?"

A strangled noise left Kurt's throat as he turned and fled the room. He was pushing open the door to the bathroom when Finn caught up to him.

"Kurt, _don't_." Finn grabbed his stepbrother's arm, pulling him back. "I know what you're about to do and it's _not_ worth it."

"You don't know _anything_ about me, Finn." Kurt wrenched his arm out of Finn's grasp.

"Maybe I don't, but I'm trying to learn," Finn said. "Come on, I have an idea of how to help Sue."

Kurt hesitated before he followed Finn. He knew even if he did make another run for the bathroom, Finn would stop him. Kurt stood silently by Finn's side as he addressed the glee club.

"We need to help Coach Sylvester. She's overwhelmed and she needs our help," Finn said.

" _Seriously_?" Santana asked. "I'd like to put the fun back in funeral as much as the next girl, but why would the glee club help Coach Sylvester plan a service after what she's done?"

"We're not doing it for Sue. We're doing it for her sister," Kurt answered, tiredly.

"Come on, guys. Jean was just like us: an outsider and an underdog. She spent her entire life that way. We of all people should celebrate that." Finn looked around the room, trying to see if they were reaching anyone.

"Can I say something?" Jesse St. James asked from the corner.

Kurt bit back a sigh. Ever since Jesse had returned, things had been going downhill. They were never going to win at nationals with him around. All he cared about was himself and whatever relationship he had with Rachel.

"Death is a tragedy, yes, but it's also a part of life. You can't put your life on hold because of it. Nationals is in one week. That's what we need to be focusing on, not planning a funeral," Jesse said.

"Are you serious?" Finn asked.

" _Maybe_ if you had a _heart_ , Jesse, you'd actually understand why we want to do this," Kurt lashed out.

" _Kurt_!" Will gave him a warning look.

"Thanks for the input, Jesse. But we're helping Coach Sylvester with Jean's funeral. Rachel, you wanted me to be more of a leader so I'm making this call. We're planning the funeral," Finn announced.

Kurt didn't wait for Will's dismissal. He disappeared out the door before anyone could stop him. Again, he made for the bathroom and again, he was stopped.

"Kurt! Are you okay?" Will asked, catching Kurt just outside the bathroom door.

"I'm fine, Mr. Schue. I just miss my mom," Kurt answered.

"You know you can come to me if you ever need to talk, okay?" Will squeezed his shoulder.

"I know. Thank you. But I'll be fine." Kurt took off down the hall before Will could further detain him. At least the school day was over and he could finally go home.

**K/B**

Kurt wasn't nervous as he walked across the stage. He had practiced the song with Blaine countless times, and he knew it was perfect. Having seen _Gypsy_ repeatedly, the words to "Some People" were already burned into his brain. Kurt sang his heart out, putting his all into the performance. The song ended and Kurt beamed when he heard Will's applause. But then Jesse had to open his gaping hole of a mouth.

"Kurt, you _do_ know that song was meant for a woman, right?" Jesse asked.

Kurt longed to reach across the auditorium and slap him. Instead, he said, "Yes, I'm aware. And we're way over the guys-singing-songs-meant-for-girls issue."

But Jesse wasn't finished. "Then you must know that that song was done to great fanfare by Broadway legend Patti LuPone. But those are some awful big shoes to fill and I'm not sure that you nailed it."

Will turned to look at Jesse in disbelief. When he turned back up to the stage, Kurt was gone. Once he had exited the auditorium, Kurt pulled out his phone and dialed Blaine's number.

"Hey, baby. How did your audition go?" Blaine answered.

"You know, all I ever do is try but it's never appreciated. I'm _sick_ of it. I wish Jesse had never shown back up here." Kurt pushed open the door that led to the parking lot, hurrying towards his car.

"Whatever he said isn't true. I'm sure you weren't anything less than perfect." Blaine had to fight down the impulse to drive to Lima and beat Jesse into a pulp.

"He said I shouldn't be singing girl songs. I'm a countertenor; I make my living off of girl songs," Kurt said with a laugh.

"Don't listen to him, love. He's wrong and we both know that."

"Thanks. I have a lot of homework waiting for me at home, so I'll talk to you tomorrow." Kurt sighed into the phone.

"Okay, baby. Call me if you need me."

"I will."

Kurt disconnected the call before sliding behind the wheel of his Navigator. He still wanted to beat Jesse's face in, but he felt slightly better after talking to Blaine. He was right. Jesse's opinion didn't matter in the slightest.

**K/B**

Kurt was glad the funeral was finally over. It had gone off without a hitch, but the entire week had been too painful and brought up many memories. Kurt just wanted a moment alone with his razor, but it seemed Finn was always there to stop him. Thankfully, the house was completely empty. Blaine was on his way over, but Kurt knew he had enough time to make himself strong.

He went into his bathroom, finding his razor in its hiding spot. Kurt rolled up his sleeve, placing the sharp edge against his skin. The bite of the blade forced away the memories but it wasn't enough so he dug in deeper. Kurt was not conscious of his actions as he brought the blade down to his arm over and over again. When he finally pulled back to examine the damage, he bit his lip to keep from crying. Most of the cuts were shallow, except for one deep gash. Kurt fumbled for his phone in his pocket, dialing the first number that came to mind.

"Hey, baby, I just pulled up." Blaine's voice sounded cheerful through the phone.

Kurt let out a sob, tightening his grip on the phone. "It won't stop bleeding."

"Oh, God. I'm coming, Kurt, just _hold_ _on_."

Kurt heard Blaine running up the stairs and then he was pulling him into his arms. He held Kurt close to his chest while his brain tried to process what he had to do. Blaine grabbed a towel, tying it tightly around Kurt's wrist.

"I'm going to call your dad and tell him I'm taking you to the hospital." Blaine pulled Kurt's phone out of his hand, finding Burt's number from the contacts list.

"I need my paper," Kurt mumbled. He got to his feet before Blaine could stop him. He went into the bedroom, pulling a folded piece of paper out of his nightstand.

"What is this?" Blaine asked. Unfolding the paper, he read _The Bill of Rights for People Who Self-Harm_. Before Kurt could reply, Burt had answered. "Hello, Burt? It's Blaine. Kurt cut himself. I think he needs stitches; I'm taking him to the hospital."

Kurt watched Blaine pace the room, not really listening to what was being said. He looked at his boyfriend expectantly when he hung up the phone.

"Your dad's going to meet us there." Blaine helped Kurt to stand. Kurt let Blaine lead him out to his car.

Fifteen minutes later, they were pulling into the hospital parking lot. Blaine parked in the first open spot he saw, hurrying Kurt into the Emergency Room. They approached the woman at the registration desk.

Kurt looked around the room while Blaine talked to the woman. Carole came bustling out the back, hurrying over to her stepson. Kurt knew instantly that Burt had called her.

"Come on, honey. I already filled out your paperwork when Burt called. The doctor's going to see you now." Carole led Blaine and Kurt back into a restricted area.

"Hello, Kurt. I'm Dr. Fey." The doctor introduced herself. She directed Kurt towards a chair in the room.

Carole took Kurt's vitals while Dr. Fey talked to him.

"I understand that you caused this injury yourself?" Dr. Fey asked.

"Yes," Kurt answered with detachment.

"Have you been having any suicidal thoughts lately?" Dr. Fey questioned.

"No."

"Can you tell me why you did this to yourself?"

Kurt bristled at the question. He hadn't even told Blaine why he had done it yet. He turned his head to look at his boyfriend with searching eyes.

"It's okay, Kurt. You don't have to tell her." Blaine squeezed his hand reassuringly.

"No . . . it's all right," Kurt said softly. "I missed my mom and it just hurt so much that I couldn't take it anymore. I knew how to stop the pain so I did."

"Did you mean to cut this deeply?" Dr. Fey asked.

"No. It was an accident." Kurt reached his hand into his pocket, pulling out a piece of paper. "Here."

Kurt shoved the paper at Dr. Fey. He watched as she read it. She nodded, placing the paper to the side.

"I'm glad you have that, Kurt. But you won't need it with me."

Kurt nodded. At that moment, Burt burst into the room.

"Kurt, are you okay?" he asked, hurrying to his son's side.

"I'm fine, Dad. Just tired." Kurt answered.

Carole finished taking Kurt's temperature, jotting down the number when 98.5 flashed up. She then pulled Burt to the side so Dr. Fey could treat Kurt's wounds. Finally, after what seemed like hours, they were allowed to return home. Blaine followed Kurt up to his room, pulling him onto the bed next to him.

"Kurt, I know you don't want to but I really think you need to get treatment. Maybe you should consider going to rehab or something." Blaine hated even bringing up the subject but he knew it had to be done. The night could have ended much worse than it had.

Kurt sighed, turning to face Blaine. "Tonight . . . going to the ER, getting stitches, it made me realize that . . . I do have a problem. I'm _going_ to get help, Blaine. But I'm _not_ leaving you to go to some rehabilitation center. I _can't_ do that. But I will get help, I promise."

Blaine smiled faintly, glad to hear that Kurt had finally accepted his self-harm for what it really was: a dangerous coping mechanism. He pulled Kurt close, kissing him softly.

"As long as you get help. That's _all_ I ask for," Blaine said when he pulled back.

"I will. I promise." Kurt pressed his nose against Blaine's neck, breathing in deeply. "What if I can't stop though?"

"Oh baby, _don't_ think like that. I _know_ you can. I'll be with you every step of the way. And if you stumble a few times, I'll pick you up and hold your hand as we start again." Blaine hugged Kurt close.

Kurt lifted his head, brushing his lips against Blaine's. He climbed off the bed, going to his iPod dock and searching through the song list for the one he wanted.

"What are you doing?" Blaine asked.

"You'll see," Kurt answered. He finally found the song, selecting it and crawling back on the bed next to Blaine. Kurt took Blaine's hand in his as he began to sing.

_If I fall along the way,_

_Pick me up and dust me off._

_And if I get too tired to make it,_

_Be my breath so I can walk._

Recognizing the song, Blaine picked up the harmony. He was surprised with Kurt's song choice, but if it helped him feel better Blaine would be happy.

_If I need some other love,_

_Give me more than I can stand._

_And when my smile gets old and faded,_

_Wait around I'll smile again._

Kurt stood, pulling Blaine to his feet. He began to dance, not feeling the least bit self-conscious. Blaine had seen him at his worst and was still sticking right back his side.

_Shouldn't be so complicated._

_Just hold me and then,_

_Just hold me again._

_Can you help me I'm bent._

_I'm so scared that I'll never,_

_Get put back together._

_Keep breaking me in._

_And this is how we will end,_

_With you and me bent._

Blaine picked up the melody on the second verse. Kurt harmonized his voice with Blaine's. He hoped Blaine understood what this song meant for Kurt. He was accepting Blaine's help in his recovery.

_If I couldn't sleep could you sleep?_

_Could you paint me better off?_

_Could you sympathize with my needs?_

_I know you think I need a lot._

_I started out clean but I'm jaded._

_Just phoning it in,_

_Just breaking the skin._

_Can you help me I'm bent._

_I'm so scared that I'll never,_

_Get put back together._

_Keep breaking me in._

_And this is how we will end,_

_With you and me bent._

Again, the boys switched parts. Kurt sang the melody while Blaine picked back up with the harmony.

_Start bending me._

_It's never enough._

_I feel all your pieces._

_Start bending me._

_Keep bending me until I'm completely broken in._

_Shouldn't be so complicated._

_Just touch me and then,_

_Just touch me again._

_Can you help me I'm bent._

_I'm so scared that I'll never,_

_Get put back together._

_Keep breaking me in._

_And this is how we will end,_

_With you and me livin' without understandin'_

_Can I go there again?_

_Can you help me I'm bent._

_I'm so scared that I'll never,_

_Get put back together._

_Yeah, you're breaking me in._

Blaine pulled Kurt closer, their chests brushing together. Their lips were millimeters apart as they sang the last lines in unison.

_And this is how we will end,_

_With you and me bent._

As Kurt brought their lips together, he let his mind wander lazily. He knew what he was doing was dangerous, and it had to stop. He just didn't know how long it would take him to finally put all of his problems behind him. But with Blaine by his side, he felt like he could do anything.


	15. Chapter 14:  New York

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Thank you to everyone who reviewed, favorited, or alerted this story! I love each and every one of you! This chapter takes place during the "New York" episode. I hope you enjoy.
> 
> Warning for this chapter: none
> 
> Spoilers for: 2x22 - New York
> 
> Disclaimer: *checks* Nope, I still do not own Glee. "Sober" is owned by Kelly Clarkson. "For Good" is owned by Stephen Schwartz.

  


Chapter Fourteen: New York

"Are you excited?" Blaine asked as he managed to pull Kurt away from his family into a secluded alcove of the airport.

"Yes, but scared," Kurt admitted. He held Blaine's gaze, proud that he could look him in the eye and admit his feelings and insecurities.

"Why are you scared?" Blaine asked, rubbing his thumb over the back of Kurt's right hand.

"What if I have a nightmare in front of the guys?" Kurt asked with a frown.

"If you have a nightmare, I want you to call me like you normally do. Why don't you try sleeping next to Finn so he can cover for you? Or, you could tell everyone the truth. But that's up to you, baby. I can't make that decision for you." Blaine wrapped his arms around Kurt's waist, tugging him closer.

"I'll just feel weak if I tell them." Kurt sighed, brushing his lips against Blaine's. "I'm going to miss you."

"I know. I'll miss you too. But it's just for a week and then you'll be back in Lima," Blaine reminded him.

"And in a year, we'll be in New York. _Together_." Kurt smiled at the thought.

"I can't wait." Blaine grinned, pressing a kiss to the corner of Kurt's mouth.

The New Directions' flight was announced and Blaine kissed his boyfriend goodbye. He watched as Kurt joined his friends to board the plane. He wished he was going with them, but took solace in the fact that Kurt would be back in his arms in one week.

**K/B**

Being in New York had proved very beneficial for Kurt. It seemed like he had left his depression back in Lima. Running around with his friends through the city had been fun, as had the pillow fight in the girls' room. But now Kurt was exhausted. He longed to fall into bed, but first he had to speak with Finn.

Kurt waited until Finn returned from his date with Rachel. The second he stepped into the room, Kurt pulled the taller boy over to the corner of the room.

"Can you sleep next to me, just in case I have a nightmare or something? I don't want the other guys to know," Kurt whispered.

"Of course, man. You look tired. Go sleep. I'll be right there I just wanna take a shower first," Finn answered.

"Thanks." Kurt hugged Finn quickly before he pulled some blankets and a few pillows onto the floor for him and Finn to use. Puck and Archie had already called the two beds in the room while Sam and Mike had commandeered the sofa and the chair.

Kurt slept peacefully until the morning. That was when the nightmares finally found him. He thrashed about in his sleep, his arms and legs flailing. One of his legs connected with Finn's shin, waking the other boy.

"Kurt?" Finn asked sleepily. He looked over at his stepbrother, alarmed to see him writhing in the throes of a nightmare. Finn shook him roughly. "Kurt, _wake_ _up!"_

Kurt bolted up, pushing Finn away from him as he scrambled to further the distance between them. When his back connected with the wall behind him, he realized what had happened.

"I'm _so_ sorry, Finn," Kurt whispered so as not to wake the other boys.

"Don't worry about it. Are you okay?" Finn asked with concern.

"I need to call Blaine," Kurt said as way of answering. He grabbed his phone and hurried into the privacy of the bathroom. With the door closed behind him, Kurt dialed Blaine's number.

"Kurt?" Blaine asked sleepily.

"I had a nightmare. Now I _really_ want to hurt myself." Kurt let the tears fall, not trying to fight them back.

"Where are you?" Blaine asked, now fully awake.

"In the bathroom. I didn't want to wake up the others. I already woke Finn up; I think I kicked him when I was dreaming."

"Where's your razor?"

"In my suitcase. I knew I shouldn't have brought it." Kurt bit his lip, wanting nothing more than to go find the blade in question and drag it across his skin.

"That's good, Kurt. I'm proud of you for calling me instead of turning to it. Why don't you sing me something? It'll make you feel better." Blaine suggested.

"Okay." Kurt agreed. He took a moment to think of a song and then drew in a deep breath before he began to sing.

_And I don't know._

_This could break my heart or save me._

_Nothing's real,_

_Until you let go completely._

_So here I go with all my thoughts,_

_I've been saving._

_So here I go with all my fears,_

_Weighing on me._

Blaine allowed himself to get lost in the passion Kurt was pouring into the song. Kurt's voice was filled with pain, but it did not take away from the beauty of his voice. Instead of joining in for the chorus, Blaine sat with the phone pressed against his ear, listening to the emotion spilling out of his boyfriend.

_Three months and I'm still sober._

_Picked all my weeds but kept the flowers._

_But I know it's never really over._

Kurt's voice broke slightly on the last word and Blaine knew he was crying. His voice was thick with tears, and Blaine wanted nothing more than to pull him into his arms and take all the pain from him and make it his own. But he was helpless to do anything except sing with him. So he did.

_And I don't know._

_I could crash and burn but maybe,_

_At the end of this road,_

_I might catch a glimpse of me._

_So I won't worry 'bout my timing._

_I wanna get it right._

_No comparing, second guessing._

_No not this time._

Blaine knew it had only been a week since Kurt had decided to stop cutting, but he was optimistic that things would get better. The past week had been hard, but Kurt had not given in once. Without the comfort of the blade, the nightmares had gotten worse but every night Kurt would call Blaine instead of seeking solace in the cold metal.

_Three months and I'm still breathing._

_Been a long road since those hands,_

_I left my tears in but I know._

_It's never really over, no,_

_Wake . . . up._

_Three months and I'm still standing here._

_Three months and I'm getting better, yeah._

_Three months and I still . . . mmm, oh._

_Three months and it's still hard enough._

_Three months I've been living here without you now._

_Three months, and, three months, I, oh . . ._

As difficult as the past week had been, Blaine knew things would get even harder. But he would not leave Kurt to deal with his emotions on his own. He would be there with Kurt every step of the way, showing him that he was loved and he was cared for. Listening to Kurt pour his heart out in song, Blaine knew he loved the boy. He had known it for a while, but had been too afraid to tell Kurt. He didn't want to push their relationship too fast, so he had held it in. But now, he knew he could finally express the depth of his feelings for Kurt without fear. And he would, the second the boy returned from New York City.

And now Kurt was singing so loud he was almost shouting. He felt all of the pain that the nightmares had brought leave him as the music worked its magic.

_Three months and I'm still breathing._

_Three months and I'm still remembering._

_Three months and wake . . . up._

Mentally exhausted, Kurt's voice grew quieter. He sang the last lines listlessly. The pain had been driven away, and this time Kurt's body was not marred with cuts as proof of its existence.

_Three months and I'm still sober._

_Picked all my weeds but kept the flowers._

"I'm proud of you," Blaine said once the song had ended.

"Thank you . . . for _everything_." Kurt dried the tears from his eyes. "I would've been dead _a long_ time ago without you."

" _Don't_ say things like that." Blaine closed his eyes at the painful thought.

"But it's true. If you hadn't found me that day at Dalton or taken me to the hospital last week. . . I wouldn't be standing here today if it weren't for you." Kurt drew in a shaky breath before changing the subject. "I think I'm going to go wake Rachel up. I just had the perfect idea."

"Okay, well have fun and be safe. New York is _a lot_ bigger than Lima." Blaine wished he was there to protect Kurt from whatever evil was lurking out there in the world, but he knew that this time Kurt had to go it alone.

"I will. I'll call you later."

They said their goodbyes and Kurt disconnected the phone call. He dressed quickly, careful not to wake up the other boys. Grabbing his messenger bag, he slipped out of the door and down to the girls' room. Rachel had given him a key card the night before in case he got tired of hanging with the boys and decided to room with them. This proved useful as he was able to surprise Rachel without waking up the other girls.

"Rachel, wake up," Kurt hissed in her ear.

"Why?" Rachel asked sleepily, wiping the corner of her mouth with her hand.

"We're going to have breakfast at Tiffany's." Kurt pulled her out of the bed, waiting in the hall while she got dressed. Finally, they were walking through the streets of New York City like they were born to do so.

"No one else understands how _amazing_ this place really is," Rachel said thoughtfully as she took a bite of her bagel.

Kurt knew she was talking about New York in general, and not Tiffany's. He didn't interrupt her train of thought as she continued.

"I have a secret to tell you. After graduation, I'm coming back here and going to college. This is where I belong. This is my _dream_." Rachel wasn't sure if Kurt would think her idea was stupid, which was why she had yet to tell anyone about her plans for college.

"Blaine and I are coming too. I won't make it to Broadway staying in Ohio," Kurt said.

"But what do I do about Finn? I think he's wants us to get back together but I can't let a guy get in between me and my dreams." Rachel looked away, not sure if she was getting too out of line talking about Finn to his stepbrother.

"Bring him along. He'd be great if we needed to move something heavy," Kurt joked.

Rachel couldn't help but laugh. "He's too much of a country boy to want to live in a big city. In the end, I want him to be happy too."

"Love or career? You're going to have to make a choice, Rachel. But you should at least talk to Finn. If you don't, you'll never know. Maybe he'll surprise you." Kurt shrugged his shoulders.

"Well, if he did come along rent would be so much cheaper. Hey! The four of us could get an apartment together!" Rachel exclaimed, her eyes shining with excitement.

"Yeah, _no_. As much as I love you and Finn, I hear apartment walls are paper thin." Kurt took a sip of his coffee.

"Good point. I really don't want to have to listen to you and Blaine."

"Me and Blaine? I meant you and Finn!" Kurt laughed.

"Finn and I . . . never actually got that far." Rachel blushed, not meeting Kurt's eyes.

Kurt bumped against her shoulder. "It's okay. Blaine and I haven't either."

" _Really?_ I thought for sure. . . ."

"No. We're taking things slow."

Rachel sighed unhappily. "Maybe I shouldn't worry about Finn. If our relationship never got serious enough for sex, how do I know we'd even make it living together in New York?"

"You have to decide if your love is worth the risk," Kurt told her.

"I don't know how to choose."

"I do. Follow me."

Kurt took off down the street, ignoring Rachel's protests for him to stop. He kept walking until they came to a halt outside the Gershwin Theatre where _Wicked_ was playing.

"How is this supposed to help me make a decision?" Rachel asked, looking up at the building in awe.

"We _have_ to go in." Then an idea struck Kurt. "Strike that. We have to _break_ in."

After testing several back doors, they finally found one that was unlocked. Rachel protested the entire time, even when they were almost to the stage. Both of them nearly had a heart attack when an usher discovered them, but Kurt couldn't hold back a squeal when the man decided to look the other way and let them have their fifteen minutes in the spotlight.

They ran to the stage, laughing with pure joy. Kurt turned in a circle, taking it all in. He couldn't believe they were really in the Gershwin Theatre. He turned his attention back to Rachel.

"In order to make a choice, you need to visualize both the options," he said.

"And how am I supposed to do that?"

"Sing. Just imagine yourself in front of a full audience, singing the final song of one of the _greatest_ musicals of all time." Kurt wrapped an arm around Rachel's waist.

Rachel walked towards the front of the stage as she took Kurt's advice and began to sing.

_I'm limited._

_Just look at me – I'm limited._

She could see it now, all of her dreams coming true. But where did that leave Finn in the equation? She turned her attention towards Kurt, beaming widely at him.

_And just look at you._

_You can do all I couldn't do, Glinda._

_Now it's up to you._

Rachel grabbed Kurt's hands, leading him out onto the center of the stage. Kurt still could not believe that this was really happening and they were singing in the Gershwin Theatre. He looked out at the empty theater, knowing that if he followed his heart one day it would be filled with people wanting to hear him sing.

_I've heard it said,_

_That people come into our lives for a reason,_

_Bringing something we must learn._

Rachel walked to the side of the stage as he sang. She climbed up the stairs, wanting to get the full effect of the theater.

_Well, I don't know if I believe that's true._

_But I know I'm who I am today,_

_Because I knew you._

Rachel belted the chorus, watching as Kurt climbed up the stairs towards her. In a way, they were now singing the song to each other as the lyrics rang true. If they had never met, they would not be the people they were today. Sure, they didn't always get along, but they knew that if need arose they could throw their differences out the window to be there for the other.

_Like a ship blown from its mooring,_

_By a wind off the sea._

_Like a seed dropped by a skybird,_

_In a distant wood._

_Who can say if I've been changed for the better?_

_But because I knew you,_

Kurt echoed the line after her, holding on the railing and leaning backwards.

_Because I knew you._

Rachel looked deep into Kurt's eyes as they sang the next line together.

_I have been changed for good._

Rachel walked towards Kurt as she sang, hoping he knew she meant every word that she sang. She smiled when Kurt took her hand, leading her down the stairs. He returned the smile in earnest.

_And just to clear the air._

_I ask forgiveness,_

_For the things I've done you blame me for._

Kurt cocked his head at Rachel as he sang, knowing that they were both sorry for the things that had happened between them in the past. Hopefully they could put all the fighting and jealousy behind them and focus on the future together.

_But then, I guess we know,_

_There's blame to share._

_And none of it seems to matter anymore._

Standing on the stage, Kurt hoped both of their dreams would come true. He sang Glinda's chorus, smiling when Rachel's voice echoed him with Elphaba's chorus.

_Like a comet pulled from orbit,_

_(Like a ship blown from its mooring)_

_As it passes a sun._

_(By a wind off the sea)_

_Like a stream that meets a boulder,_

_(Like a seed dropped by a bird)_

_Halfway through_

As their voices came together on the next words, their eyes found each other once again. They knew the past had been forgiven, and the future looked bright. But the future was still so unsure for the both of them.

_The wood._

_Who can say if I've been changed for the better?_

_Because I knew you,_

_I have been changed . . . for good._

Kurt felt tears welling up behind his eyes as the song ended. Rachel's face clouded with concern when she saw he was crying.

"What's wrong?" she asked, hurrying to his side.

"I'm just scared. Who knows if we'll _ever_ really make it here? All my life, this has been my dream. But when your life has been filled with _so_ much pain it's hard to be optimistic about the future." Kurt wiped at his tears, embarrassed.

"If you can dream it, Kurt, you _can_ make it happen. I have faith in you. I know you've been through a lot, but you can't let the past hold you back." Rachel laced her fingers through his.

"I know . . . that's why I decided to stop hurting myself."

"That's great!"

Kurt smiled weakly at her reaction. "I know what I'm doing – _was_ doing – is dangerous. I almost died once and I would have if Blaine hadn't found me. Don't tell anyone, I don't want them to worry, but last week I had to get stitches."

"Oh, Kurt. . . ."

"I just want to be _happy_. New York could be a new beginning for me and Blaine, where we can be free to be _who_ _we_ _are_. But I'm scared."

Rachel hugged him tightly. "I'm scared too, Kurt. Change is a scary thing, and this will be a _colossal_ change. But college is different from high school. And you'll have me, and Blaine, and possibly Finn, there to support you every step of the way. Just don't give up the fight. I _know_ you can make it."

"Thanks, Rachel." Kurt hugged her back, pressing his cheek to the top of her head.

"You're welcome. Now let's get back before Mr. Schue finds we're missing."

**K/B**

Losing Nationals had been disappointing, but Kurt didn't let that eclipse the rest of his New York experience. He told his dad everything on the ride from the airport to the Lima Bean where he was meeting Blaine. The drive seemed to take forever and Kurt was anxious to see his boyfriend.

Kurt jumped out of the car the second they pulled up to the coffeehouse. Blaine was sitting on the bench outside, waiting for him. Kurt ran into his arms.

"I missed you!" He breathed in Blaine's scent.

Blaine chuckled, smiling widely. "I missed you too. Come on, I already ordered our drinks they should be ready by now."

After they received their coffees from the barista, they sat down at their usual table. Kurt told Blaine all about Nationals, including how Santana had flipped when they lost.

"Aren't you sad you lost?" Blaine asked, propping his chin up on his hand.

"Well, it was _still_ an amazing experience." Kurt shrugged with a smile. "I got to fly in a plane for the first time, I had breakfast at Tiffany's with Rachel and we sang on a Broadway stage."

Listening to the happiness in Kurt's voice, Blaine knew now was the right moment. Without a moment's hesitation or any fear at all, he looked deep into Kurt's eyes and spoke.

_"I love you."_

Kurt was momentarily stunned. He tried not to choke on the coffee he had just sipped, forcing the scalding liquid down his esophagus. Kurt couldn't help but smile as he answered.

"I love you too. I have since the day you turned around on the staircase." Kurt blushed at his admission.

"Love at first sight, huh?" Blaine teased with a sly grin. Then he looked at Kurt seriously. "I've wanted to tell you that for a long time but I didn't want you to think I was rushing this relationship. I know things aren't easy for you right now, and I'm _perfectly_ happy to just be there for you in whatever capacity you may need me."

Kurt smiled. "Is it too soon to tell you again that I love you?"

"I'll _never_ get tired of hearing you say those words." Blaine leaned across the table to kiss Kurt quickly. When they pulled away, Blaine paused before speaking. "You know if you need me to stay home with you this summer I will. I can cancel the Six Flags gig."

"You will do _no_ such thing, Blaine Anderson," Kurt scolded. "I will be just fine spending this summer in Lima while you're in Illinois. I'll call you whenever I need you, and even when I don't. And I'll have Dad, Finn, and Rachel here to keep me entertained."

"Are you _sure?_ " Blaine asked. He hated leaving Kurt for the entire summer. Especially with everything that had happened in the past year.

"I'm _positive_. Just think this'll look great on your resume in New York."

Blaine laughed. "I love you."

"I love you too."


	16. Chapter 15:  Summertime Blues

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Thank you to everyone who reviewed, favorited, and alerted this story! This chapter does not go along with an episode, but is my version of what Klaine and the rest of New Directions did over their summer breaks. I hope you enjoy!
> 
> Warning for this chapter: self-harm
> 
> Spoilers for: 3x01 "The Purple Piano Project"
> 
> Disclaimer: If I owned Glee, there would be a whole lot more Klaine. "Lullaby" is owned by The Spill Canvas. And of course "Not Alone" belongs to the amazing Darren Criss.

  


Chapter Fifteen: Summertime Blues

"I'm going to miss you." Blaine kissed the top of Kurt's head where it rested on his chest, breathing in his scent. He knew it would be a long time before he could hold him like this again.

"I know. I'm going to miss you too. But we'll have Skype dates whenever you aren't busy and we'll call and text every day." Kurt propped himself up on one arm to look down at Blaine. "You're going to have an _amazing_ summer."

"It would be even more amazing if you were there to share it with me," Blaine answered. He wrapped a hand around the back of Kurt's neck, pulling him in for a kiss. Kurt smiled against his lips; taking that as encouragement Blaine opened his mouth, his tongue darting out to beg for admittance. Kurt obliged, gasping when Blaine's tongue stroked his. With his tongue in Kurt's mouth, it was hard for Blaine to think of anything except for that moment and the boy lying on top of him. When they finally pulled apart for air, the persistent thought that had been plaguing him all week reentered Blaine's mind. _I should just cancel and spend the summer with Kurt._

"Don't even _think_ about it, Anderson." Kurt could tell by the look on Blaine's face that he was again reconsidering his Six Flags gig.

"Why is it you can read me so easily?" Blaine asked with a smile.

"Because I'm in love with you," Kurt answered, bringing their lips together once more. Hearing footsteps down the hall, Kurt pushed Blaine away. He whispered, "My dad's coming."

Instantly, both boys fell back against the pillows, pretending to be asleep. Sure enough, Burt walked through the open door a moment later. He shook his head in amusement when he saw the two boys, seemingly asleep. He turned the light off before he left the room, leaving the door open.

"Don't you feel bad lying to him?" Blaine whispered in the darkness.

"We aren't _lying_ to him. We're just pretending to already be asleep so he won't make you move to the couch." Kurt cuddled into his side, pressing his nose against Blaine's neck.

"True, but you _know_ he wouldn't let me sleep in here if he didn't think we were already asleep." Blaine ran a hand up and down Kurt's back, absentmindedly. "We're lucky enough that he let me spend the weekend here before I have to leave."

"I know, hence the pretending. It's his own fault anyway. We fell asleep yesterday before he could make you go sleep on the couch and he didn't wake us up; I wouldn't have thought of this if not for him."

Blaine chuckled. "I suppose I should stop complaining and count my blessings, huh?"

"Yes, you should." Kurt pressed a kiss to Blaine's neck. "Will you sing to me?"

Blaine smiled. "Of course, love."

Kurt snuggled deeper into Blaine's arms, not knowing when he would have the chance to hear his boyfriend sing to him again. He was going to enjoy every last moment until Blaine had to board that plane. Blaine pressed a kiss to the top of his head before he began to sing.

_It's the way that you blush when you're nervous._

_It's your ability to make me earn this._

_I know that you're tired, just let me sing you to sleep._

_It's about how you laugh out of pity,_

' _Cause let's be honest I'm not really that funny._

_I know that you're shot, just let me sing you to sleep._

Kurt moved his arm to wrap around Blaine's waist, holding him tightly. He let Blaine's clear voice wash over him. He didn't know how he would make it the entire summer without Blaine there to hold him tight and keep him safe from himself.

_If you need anything, just say the word._

_I mean anything._

_Rest assured, if you start to doze, then I'll tuck you in,_

_And plant my lips where your necklaces close._

Blaine raised a hand to run through Kurt's hair. Normally he was not allowed to touch the chestnut perfection as Kurt spent so much time sculpting it, but tonight everything was different. Tonight was the last night Blaine would hold Kurt in his arms until he returned towards the end of August.

_It's those pills that you don't need to take,_

_Medicating perfection, now that's a mistake._

_I know that you're spent, just let me sing you to sleep._

_It's your finger and how I'm wrapped around it._

_It's your grace and how it keeps me grounded._

_I know that you're weak, just let me sing you to sleep._

Kurt wished Blaine wasn't leaving. He wished they could spend every night in each other's arms. But he knew once they graduated and went to New York that would be their reality. They would fall asleep together each night and wake up together each morning. And every night he would ask Blaine to sing him to sleep.

_If you need anything, just say the word._

_I mean anything._

_Rest assured, if you start to doze, then I'll tuck you in,_

_And plant my lips where your necklaces close._

Blaine was worried that Kurt's loneliness would kick in while he was gone. He knew Burt would take care of him, but that had not stopped Blaine from asking Finn to keep an eye on Kurt. He just hoped Kurt would keep his promise to call whenever he had any urges.

_While you were sleeping I figured out everything,_

_I was constructed for you, and you were molded for me._

_Now I feel your name, coursing through my veins._

_You shine so bright it's insane; you put the sun to shame._

Blaine knew, without a doubt, that Kurt was _it_ for him. There would never be anyone else that made him feel as deeply as Kurt did. He had never known you could love someone so deeply until he met Kurt. They had only been together for two months, but it seemed like so much longer. That was hardly surprising considering all that they had been through together.

_If you need anything, just say the word._

_I mean anything._

_Rest assured, if you start to doze, then I'll tuck you in,_

_And plant my lips where your necklaces. . ._

Kurt's body completely relaxed as he fell into a deep sleep, wrapped in the arms of the boy that he loved. Blaine continued to sing softly as he listened to Kurt's breaths even out.

_If you need anything, just say the word._

_I mean anything._

_Rest assured, if you start to doze, then I'll tuck you in,_

_And plant my lips where your necklaces close._

Blaine pressed a soft kiss to the top of Kurt's head, careful not to wake him. He was worried about what their summer apart would do to Kurt, but he had to trust that Kurt would call him if anything arose. Blaine knew it would be hard, but he knew they had been through much worse.

**K/B**

The next morning, the boys woke early so Blaine could make his flight. Kurt hugged Blaine tightly outside the gate. He faked a smile, not wanting Blaine to know how upset he was that he would be gone the entire summer. If Blaine knew, he would stay and Kurt could not let him pass up an opportunity like this for him.

"You _promise_ you'll call me whenever you have any urges?" Blaine asked for the third time that morning alone.

" _Yes_ , Blaine, I promise." Kurt sighed with frustration.

"I'm sorry; I don't mean to be overbearing. You know I worry about you." Blaine took Kurt's hands in his.

"I know you do and _you_ know I wish you wouldn't," Kurt said.

"I can't help it. I only worry because I love you so much," Blaine told him.

Kurt couldn't help but blush. "I love you too. And that is why you need to go to Illinois and have fun."

"Because you love me?" Blaine asked, cocking an eyebrow.

"Exactly. Otherwise, you'd stay here for the summer and Finn would kill us because of the annoying love sick looks we give each other."

Blaine laughed. "I suppose you're right."

"I'm _always_ right." Kurt smiled. "Now go, before you miss your flight."

Blaine tilted his face upwards, smiling when Kurt bent his head and brushed their lips together gently. When they pulled apart, foreheads pressed together, Blaine murmured, "I love you."

"I love you," Kurt answered.

Blaine beamed, never tiring of hearing those three little words fall from Kurt's lips. He squeezed Kurt's hands in his before he grabbed his carry-on bag and walked through the gate. Kurt watched him go, wishing just once he could let himself weaken enough to ask him to stay.

**K/B**

Two weeks passed uneventfully. Kurt could feel the depression seeping into his veins, but he did his best to ignore it. He had kept his promise and anytime he had an urge he would call Blaine. He had gone an entire month without hurting himself. Blaine had been ecstatic, so proud of his boyfriend. He promised they would celebrate when he returned home. Kurt had done his best to sound cheerful during the conversation, but a part of him thought he wouldn't make it until Blaine came home.

Kurt filled his first two weeks of summer vacation with homework. He kept his mind as busy as possible so he could not possibly think about anything else, especially how much he missed Blaine. Burt noticed this and his worry for his only son increased. That was why he asked to speak to Kurt after dinner Friday night.

"What's going on, Dad?" Kurt asked, getting up to put his plate in the dishwasher.

"I want to talk to you about Blaine," Burt said, watching his son walk slowly back to the table.

"What _about_ Blaine?" Kurt raised an eyebrow, already suspicious of his father's intentions.

"How long have you two been going out now?" Burt questioned, chewing on a toothpick.

"Three months tomorrow. Why?"

"Exactly, you've been dating for _three_ months. Don't you think you're taking things too fast?"

" _Dad_ , we haven't done anything!" Kurt blushed to his roots.

"As happy as that makes me, I think you need to slow things down. I understand you think you're in love with him-"

"I _am_ in love with him! And he's in love with me!"

"You're only seventeen, Kurt-"

"Are you saying you weren't in love with Mom when _you_ were seventeen?"

"That was different." Burt fumbled for a leg to stand on.

"Why? Because we're two guys and not a guy and a girl?" Kurt sprang to his feet. "Why can't you just be happy for me?"

"I _am_ happy for you, Kurt! I just don't want to see you get hurt. You've been through so much already. This is high school. Romance doesn't last very long," Burt said.

"That's where you're wrong," Kurt said. He left without waiting to be dismissed.

Once in the safety of his room, Kurt began to dial Blaine's number. He was halfway through before he remembered Blaine was in the middle of a performance. Kurt began to pace his room, turning quickly after several strides. Somehow he ended up outside the door to his bathroom, staring at the entranceway. Kurt knew he should go to Finn or call Rachel, but he couldn't bring himself to bother either of them with his depression and loneliness. This was _his_ problem, not _theirs_.

Kurt could feel the blade calling him, and he was useless to resist. He took a step into the bathroom, then another and another until he was standing in front of the medicine cabinet. The door was pulled open and the razor removed from its hiding spot. Without a second thought, Kurt pressed the blade against the flesh of his stomach. He pushed the sharp edge into his skin, pulling upwards as he went. The skin opened up and blood bubbled out. Kurt sighed with relief. It took him a full minute to realize what he had done.

Furious with himself, Kurt rinsed the blade clean before returning it to its hiding spot. He knew he should throw it away but he couldn't bring himself to do so. He turned his attention to his bleeding stomach. He cleaned it with hydrogen peroxide before covering it with gauze and medical tape. When he was done, Kurt returned to his room, sitting on the edge of the bed. He didn't move, waiting for Blaine to call him like he did every evening. When he did, the first words out of Kurt's mouth were _"I'm so sorry."_

Blaine didn't need to ask what he was sorry for. He knew the second the words had left his boyfriend's mouth. Blaine frowned when he heard Kurt crying through the line. He shushed Kurt, wishing he was there to hold him close.

"It's okay, baby. Shh, don't cry. I'm not mad. Can you tell me why?" Blaine asked.

Kurt explained about the fight with his dad, and the depression and loneliness that had been eating away at him. Blaine sighed unhappily.

"I should come home."

" _No_ , don't! I'll be fine! I won't do it again, I promise." Kurt couldn't let Blaine come home early because of him.

"Are you sure? I can just say I had a family emergency; no one will have to know the truth," Blaine said.

"I'm sure. You can't pass up this opportunity for me." Kurt shook his head vehemently, even though he knew Blaine couldn't see him. "So tell me, what it's like?"

Kurt listened as Blaine talked about the theme park. He let his mind wander after a few minutes, knowing he could not slip up again. If he did, surely Blaine would be on the next plane home. No, he had to find strength some other way.

"Kurt?" Blaine asked.

"What? I'm sorry, I zoned out for a second." Kurt was jolted from his thoughts.

"It's okay. I asked if you were going to Rachel's sleepover with the girls."

Kurt frowned. He knew instantly that Blaine had been speaking with Finn. Rachel was hosting a slumber party for the girls of New Directions and had extended the invitation to Kurt. Kurt had declined instantly, knowing he couldn't risk it with his nightmares.

"Kurt?" Blaine repeated.

"No, I'm not going," Kurt answered quickly.

"Why not? It would be good for you to get out of the house. Finn says you've barely left your room all summer." Blaine knew they were heading towards dangerous waters. This conversation could end two ways: with Kurt hanging up in anger or agreeing to go to Rachel's slumber party.

"What if I have a nightmare?" Kurt asked, hating how scared his voice sounded.

"None of the girls will care if you have a nightmare . . . well, Santana might."

Kurt laughed.

"Look, just sleep next to Rachel so she can wake you up if you have a nightmare. But you don't have them every night so you might not have one then."

"Okay." Kurt sighed.

"You'll go?" Blaine asked.

"Yes, I'll go. Though I should probably be a bit more concerned that you're asking your boyfriend to spend the night alone with six girls."

"Very funny." Blaine laughed.

"I love you."

"I love you too."

Kurt hung up the phone as he lay down in bed. He felt the gauze of the bandage pull at his cut and frowned. After checking to make sure his door was still shut, Kurt pulled the bandage off. He swore when he saw the wound had been reopened and was bleeding freely. Just then, Finn burst into the room without knocking.

"Kurt, have you seen my-"

_"Shit!_ Finn, get out!" Kurt glared at his stepbrother.

Finn stood frozen in place, shocking to see Kurt shirtless and bleeding. Kurt was always careful to make sure no one saw him without a long-sleeved shirt so they couldn't see all his scars. Now Finn had burst into the room and not only seen his scars, but what he had done to himself an hour earlier.

"Kurt, did you-"

_"Out, Finn!"_ Kurt cut him off, not wanting to answer the question. Finn already knew what he had done. He wasn't that stupid.

"No, not until you answer me."

Kurt felt tears welling up behind his eyes. He ignored Finn, walking past him to get to his bathroom. He pulled a fresh piece of gauze out from under the sink, pressing it hard against his wound. He hissed at the pain, continuing to ignore Finn when he followed him.

"Kurt, I thought you were stopping. . . ." Finn said awkwardly from the doorway.

"Don't, Finn. _Please_ , just leave me alone." Kurt begged.

" _No_ , not when you're like this. Just tell me what happened. Why didn't you come to me? You should have come to me instead of doing _this_." Finn made an offhanded gesture towards Kurt's bleeding stomach.

"I know what I should have done, Finn. But I didn't and now we're here so just _please_ , drop it." Kurt pulled the gauze away to see the wound had stopped bleeding. He grabbed a clean piece and placed it over the wound, holding it in place with medical tape.

"I'm sorry," Finn said after a while.

"It's okay." Kurt sighed unhappily. "I just want to go to bed. We'll talk in the morning."

"Okay," Finn agreed. He left the room reluctantly, knowing he couldn't force Kurt to talk to him before he was ready.

Kurt turned his head into his pillow, screaming into it. He hated himself for what he had done. Finn was right. He was supposed to be getting better, not staying the same. Kurt rolled onto his side, pulling his knees up to his chest. He let his tears fall until he finally found peace in sleep.

**K/B**

The next morning, Kurt had to force himself to leave his bed. He knew Finn would be waiting to talk to him, so he took his time with his daily routine. After ninety minutes of stalling, he couldn't put it off any longer. Kurt descended the stairs, walking into the kitchen with his head held high. Finn was sitting at the kitchen table, devouring a bowl of cereal. He looked up when Kurt walked in, allowing his spoon to fall back into the bowl.

"Good morning," Kurt said once it was clear Finn was not going to speak.

"Morning," Finn replied. He watched as Kurt sliced a bagel and popped it into the toaster. Kurt turned to lean against the cabinet, facing Finn. "Look, about last night . . . I'm sorry. I shouldn't have pushed you to talk."

"You're right. You shouldn't have." Kurt agreed. He turned his back to Finn, pulling his bagel out of the toaster when it was done. He spread cream cheese over both halves before taking it to the table and sitting across from his stepbrother. "But you were right too. I should have come to you last night."

"Why didn't you?" Finn asked after several awkward minutes of silence.

"I didn't want to burden you with my problems," Kurt answered, biting into his bagel.

" _What_? Dude, you know you can come to me any time. I _want_ to help you," Finn said with surprise.

"I know, Finn. I'm sorry. Can we just drop it? I need to go call Rachel." Kurt pushed away his half-eaten bagel and retreated back to his room before Finn could say a word. Finn watched his stepbrother go, waiting a full minute until he reached across the table and took the discarded bagel. Upstairs, Kurt lay back on his bed, dialing Rachel's number.

"Hey, Rachel," Kurt greeted when the girl answered the line. "Is it too late to RSVP to your sleepover tonight?

Rachel squealed in excitement, forcing Kurt to move the phone away from his ear. Tentatively, he moved it back so he could hear what she was saying. "What made you change your mind?"

"Blaine," Kurt admitted. "Listen, if I do come will you sleep beside me? The nightmares have been worse lately and I don't want to worry the other girls."

"Of course, Kurt, whatever you need. I'm so glad you changed your mind." Rachel continued to discuss what their plans for the evening were, Kurt only half listening to her.

After the phone call to Rachel, Kurt spent the rest of the day in his bedroom. Around six he left for Rachel's house. He did his best to push past his depression and have a good time. Kurt participated in the facials and girl talk, but his heart wasn't in it. He was relieved when they finally decided to end the night with a movie.

Kurt had put his sleeping bag between Rachel's and the wall, trying to distance himself from the other girls. He was one of the first people asleep. Rachel watched Kurt carefully, listening to his calm breathing. She fought sleep for a while, not wanting to miss it if Kurt began to have a nightmare. Her eyelids were drooping and she was beginning to drift off when Kurt whimpered in his sleep. Rachel was instantly wide awake.

Sitting up, Rachel turned towards Kurt. He was writhing in his sleeping bag, tears streaming down his face. He was still asleep. Rachel shook his shoulder gently, whispering his name. Thankfully, Kurt woke immediately. He sat up, looking around in fright. His eyes met Rachel's as he got a bearing on his surroundings.

"It's okay. You're all right." Rachel pulled Kurt into her arms. His head rested against her chest and she could feel his tears soaking her shirt. Rachel stroked his hair, whispering to him, until he finally stopped crying.

"Thank you," Kurt whispered as he pulled away.

"What are friends for?" Rachel smiled as she lay down in her sleeping bag. "Get some sleep, Kurt."

Kurt nodded, looking around to see if his nightmare had woken any of the other girls. Mercifully, the other girls were all asleep. Kurt puzzled over Quinn's absence for a moment. No one had heard from her all summer. Kurt shrugged it off. She was probably busy with her mother. He lay back against his pillow, allowing slumber to pull him under.

**K/B**

June turned into July but Kurt was wishing it was August. He missed Blaine so much it was becoming unbearable. He didn't realize how much he depended on his boyfriend until he was gone. Kurt tried to distract himself, but it was getting harder to do as he had already completed all of the homework that had been assigned over the summer break. So when Mercedes had called, he had jumped at the chance to spend time with his friends. That was until Mercedes mentioned a pool party. He instantly made an excuse about his father needing him to work in the shop and ended the conversation as quickly as possible.

Finn and Rachel walked past Kurt's open door the afternoon of the party. Finn stopped, puzzled to see Kurt writing at his desk, his back to the door. There was no sign of a bathing suit; instead, Kurt was wearing black skinny jeans with a long-sleeved purple shirt and a black vest. Finn stepped into his stepbrother's room, pulling Rachel with him.

"What're you doing?" Finn asked.

Kurt jumped, spinning around in his chair. He glared at Finn, clutching a hand over his heart. _"Jesus_ , Finn! Don't you know how to knock?"

"Sorry, the door was open." Finn gestured with the hand that wasn't clasped in Rachel's.

"That doesn't mean you can just barge in here whenever you like. Open door or not, it's _still_ my room." Kurt frowned in frustration. No matter how many times he told Finn to knock, the boy could not seem to comprehend the act.

"I know. I'm sorry. Why aren't you in your bathing suit? Mercedes's party starts soon." Finn apologized quickly before the argument could escalate.

"I'm not going," Kurt answered. He turned his back on the couple, picking his pencil up. He still had to complete 'Pip Pip Hooray', a musical about Pippa Middleton.

"Why not?" Finn asked. Rachel remained silent, knowing Kurt was already angry. She didn't want to make things worse.

Kurt sighed deeply before he spun around to face his stepbrother. He looked him in the eyes as he said bluntly, "You've seen me without a shirt on."

"What's wrong with – _oh_." Finn looked away awkwardly as comprehension dawned on his face. Rachel bit her lip as she realized what the boys were discussing. She decided to take matters into her own hands, pushing Finn out the door. "What're you doing?"

"I need a minute alone with Kurt," Rachel explained before shutting the door against Finn's protestations.

"What do you want, Rachel?" Kurt asked in exasperation, crossing his arms over his chest.

"You don't want anyone to see you in a bathing suit because of your scars," Rachel stated.

Kurt sighed. "And your point _is?"_

"I just want to help you, Kurt. No one would care about your scars, but I know I won't be able to convince you otherwise so I'm not going to try." Rachel took a few steps towards Kurt.

"And just how are you going to help me?" Kurt asked, raising an eyebrow.

"We can't make your scars disappear but we can cover them up." As she spoke, Rachel pulled a small container of foundation out of her purse. She held it out towards Kurt. "It's waterproof so it won't be able to wash off."

Kurt's face lit up. He took the foundation from her, sweeping the girl into a hug. "You're a genius!"

"I know." Rachel laughed. She left the room so Kurt could change and apply the makeup.

When he was finished, Kurt opened the door to see Finn and Rachel waiting for him. Finn gawked at his stepbrother. Where before there had been a multitude of scars now there was nothing. Finn opened and closed his mouth several times, not sure what to say. Kurt saved him the trouble.

"Ready to go?" he asked brightly. Kurt was out the door before Finn or Rachel could comment. They smiled at each other before they followed him to the car.

**K/B**

July passed quickly, but not quick enough for Kurt. He spent as much time as possible with his friends, trying to get his mind off of Blaine's absence and his loneliness. But as August dawned, nothing could distract Kurt from his problems.

Kurt awoke from a nightmare, gasping for breath. Tears rolled down his cheeks as he threw back the covers and hurried to his bathroom. Feelings of loneliness and despair overtook him as Kurt pulled open the door to his medicine cabinet. He grasped the razorblade in his hand, bringing the sharp edge down to his stomach. Without a second thought, he pushed in. Reveling in the pain, Kurt watched his blood flow out, taking the bad feelings with it.

Kurt bandaged his wound, feeling guilty. He knew he should have called Blaine, but lately talking had not been helping him. His therapist said he was doing good with his recovery, but Kurt didn't believe her. The medication helped, but not all the time. And where it failed, the razor never did. Kurt sighed unhappily as he crawled back into bed. Only two weeks until Blaine would be home. Kurt hoped his depression would disappear with his boyfriend's return.

**K/B**

The days flew by and before Kurt knew it, he was driving to the airport to pick Blaine up. He was so anxious to see his boyfriend and hold him in his arms for the first time in months that he didn't drive around looking for a parking spot. Instead, he parked in the first one he saw and hurried into the airport. Kurt was early but he hadn't been able to stay at the house waiting until it was time to leave any longer.

Kurt went into the waiting area and sat down, expecting to wait. He was pleasantly surprised when five minutes after his arrival, Blaine's flight was announced early. Kurt jumped to his feet and hurried to the baggage claim area, where they had agreed to meet. He had not been standing there long when he saw Blaine. A lump formed in his throat at the sight of his boyfriend and Kurt had to remember to breathe. Unable to stop himself, Kurt ran into his arms.

_"God_ , I missed you." Kurt sighed happily as Blaine held him tight. He pressed his face into the curve of Blaine's shoulder, breathing in his scent.

"I missed you too." Blaine smiled. He pulled Kurt into a secluded alcove, making sure they were out of eyesight. His lips crashed against Kurt's. The kiss was filled with desire and months of longing as Blaine pushed Kurt against the wall, pressing their bodies together. When they pulled away they were breathing heavily. Blaine looked sheepish. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done that."

The pair had agreed to take things slow in their relationship. Blaine knew how quickly things could get out of hand when Kurt's body was pressed against his. Kurt blushed before he replied, "Don't be. I quite enjoyed it."

Fully aware of just how much they both enjoyed it, Blaine pulled his body away from Kurt's though every fabric of his being was demanding that he ground their hips together. Blaine took Kurt's hands in his, holding Kurt's arms out to get a good look at him. Kurt's face was flushed and his lips were swollen from the kiss. He was skinnier than he had been before Blaine's departure which he blamed on the recurring nightmares. Blaine's eyes raked over Kurt's thin form, frowning when they reached his exposed forearms.

"Are you wearing _makeup?_ " Blaine asked in confusion.

"Yes, I am," Kurt answered easily.

_"Why?"_ Blaine's eyebrows furrowed.

"New Directions went swimming over the summer and I wasn't going to go because I didn't want anyone to see my scars. Rachel suggested makeup to cover them and I've been wearing it ever since," Kurt explained.

Blaine raised his eyes to Kurt's. The hazel depths were so filled with love that Kurt almost gasped. Blaine squeezed his hands before he spoke. "You are so beautiful. Inside _and_ out, scars and all, you are beautiful. You don't need to hide behind makeup or long sleeves. This is part of who you are, and you're _perfect_ to me."

Kurt blinked back tears. "I love you _so_ much, and I _love_ that you feel that way. But other people won't."

"Screw other people, Kurt. They don't matter. You and I matter and everyone else can just shove it. Everyone has scars. Even I do," Blaine told him simply.

"You do?" Kurt asked in surprise.

"I do." Blaine nodded. "I'm surprised you haven't noticed before. I have several from the night I was attacked." Blaine raised his left wrist and ran a finger along a faint scar on the outside of his wrist. "I have this one here from when they hit me with a serrated pipe." Blaine ignored Kurt's gasp of horror and continued. He pulled up his shirt and revealed a clump of darker scars near the waistband of his jeans. "And this is where they threw me onto a broken beer bottle in the parking lot."

Kurt's finger traced the scars on Blaine's abdomen, feeling the muscles twitch under his touch. He lifted his head to look Blaine in the eyes. "Why didn't you tell me?"

"I assumed you'd seen them. It's not like you haven't seen me shirtless before. And honestly, I forget they're there most of the time. They don't bother me. When I do see them I remember what I went through and that without that experience I would not be who I am today." Blaine let his shirt fall back into place when Kurt pulled his hand back. "I love you. You don't have to hide from me."

"I love you too," Kurt answered. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be. You didn't do anything wrong." Blaine pulled Kurt towards the baggage claim. They picked up Blaine's bag and headed to Kurt's car. Traffic was nonexistent so they reached Blaine's house in record time. As usual, no one was home.

Blaine dropped his bag on the floor of his room before collapsing on the bed. Kurt laughed, stretching out beside him.

"Did you miss your bed?" he asked with a smile.

"You have _no_ idea." Blaine's answer was muffled by his pillow. He lifted his head and looked at Kurt. Kurt shifted under his gaze, feeling like he was being examined. "How are you _really?"_

Kurt sighed, he knew this conversation was coming but had been hoping to delay it with their reunion. He drew in a deep breath before he answered truthfully. "I've been depressed, and really lonely. I tried to distract myself while you were gone but after a while everything stopped working. Talking didn't even help anymore. It didn't matter if I was with my family or with New Directions, I felt completely alone." Kurt looked down at his hands as he made his next confession. "I cut twice."

"I know, love. You already told me. And I'm still _so_ proud of you. We both knew this wasn't going to be easy, but you made it an entire month!"

"Before I screwed up," Kurt added.

"You _didn't_ screw up. You slipped up. I know you felt alone, but you are never alone. I promise, no matter how much you feel it, you are _never_ alone. I am _always_ here with you, even if I can't be physically. I will _always_ be here for you, Kurt. I _love_ you." Blaine kissed away his tears before repeating, "I love you."

Kurt gave him a watery smile as he answered, "I love you too."

"Come on, I have a surprise for you." Blaine stood up, pulling Kurt to his feet. Kurt followed him down the stairs to the baby grand piano in Blaine's living room.

Blaine settled himself on the piano bench, motioning for Kurt to join him. Kurt sat on the edge of the bench, not wanting to get in the way. Blaine placed a hand over Kurt's and squeezed it gently before he spoke. "I wrote this for you while I was in Illinois. It took me the entire summer to finish it. I love you, and I mean every word that I'm about to sing."

Blaine moved his hands to the piano keys as he began to play.

_I've been alone,_

_Surrounded by darkness._

_And I've seen how heartless_

_The world can be._

_And I've seen you crying._

_You felt like it's hopeless._

_I'll always do my best_

_To make you see._

Kurt watched Blaine's fingers as they stroked the keys. He couldn't believe Blaine had written a song for him. The boy continued to amaze him every single day. Kurt couldn't believe how lucky he was to be loved by such an incredible person.

_Baby, you're not alone._

' _Cause you're here with me._

_And nothing's ever gonna bring us down,_

' _Cause nothing can keep me from lovin' you._

_And you know it's true._

_It don't matter what'll come to be,_

_Our love is all we need to make it through._

Kurt listened to the words as Blaine sang to him. The music itself was beautiful, but the words touched Kurt so deeply. He knew Blaine meant them and he wiped away his tears as they fell.

_Now I know it ain't easy,_

_But it ain't hard trying._

_Every time I see you smiling,_

_And I feel you so close to me._

_And you tell me,_

_Baby, you're not alone._

' _Cause you're here with me._

_And nothing's ever gonna bring us down_

' _Cause nothing can keep me from lovin' you._

_And you know it's true._

_It don't matter what'll come to be,_

_Our love is all we need to make it through._

Blaine knew they had fallen in love fast, but that did not mean what they felt wasn't real. He had never cared about anyone the way he cared about Kurt. He had never loved someone as deeply as he loved Kurt. And he was going to be there for him for the rest of their lives.

_I still have trouble._

_I trip and stumble,_

_Trying to make sense of things sometimes._

_I look for reasons,_

_But I don't need 'em._

_All I need is to look in your eyes,_

_And I realize._

Blaine lifted his eyes to Kurt's. Kurt was smiling so widely it looked painful.

_Baby, I'm not alone._

' _Cause you're here with me._

_And nothing's ever gonna take us down,_

' _Cause nothing can keep me from lovin' you._

_And you know it's true._

_It don't matter what'll come to be,_

_Our love is all we need to make it through._

_Oh 'cause you're here with me._

_And nothings ever gonna bring us down_

_Cause nothing, nothing, nothing_

_Can keep me from loving you._

_And you know it's true._

_Ooh, it don't matter what'll come to be,_

_You know our love is all we need._

_Our love is all we need_

_To make it through._

The instant Blaine removed his hands from the piano, Kurt flung himself into Blaine's arms. He kissed him passionately. When they pulled apart, they kept their foreheads together.

"Thank you _so_ much," Kurt spoke softly.

"I meant every word, Kurt. You're never alone because you have me. No matter what."

"Forever?"

"Always."

**K/B**

There was only two weeks left to summer break and Kurt was helping Blaine finish his last second homework in Kurt's bedroom. Blaine had disappeared into Kurt's bathroom, but he thought nothing of it. He hadn't cut since Blaine's return and he had nothing to hide from his boyfriend. Or so he thought.

"What is this?" Blaine asked as he came back into the room.

Kurt looked up to see what Blaine was talking about. He was surprised to see his boyfriend holding his bloodstained ace bandage at arm's length. It had been under his sink, out of sight.

"It's an ace bandage. Why are you going through my stuff?" Kurt asked.

"I was looking for toilet paper. Why is this covered in blood?" Blaine demanded.

"I didn't always have time to clean up, so I used that," Kurt explained awkwardly.

Blaine dropped the offending object on the floor before he walked over to Kurt, pulling him to his feet. He chose his words with care before speaking. "You shouldn't be keeping these things around, Kurt. They'll just tempt you and you don't need that. You've come so far in the past few months." Blaine took a deep breath before continuing. "I think you should throw everything away."

"I-I-I can't." Kurt stumbled over the words. "I can't."

" _Yes_ , you can. I _know_ you can. Please, do this. For me?" Blaine pleaded.

Kurt looked deep in Blaine's eyes, reading him like an open book. Kurt found himself nodding before he could think of what was happening. Blaine led him into the bathroom.

"I'm right here. You can do this," Blaine told him supportively.

With Blaine's encouragement, Kurt removed all of the razorblades, gauze, hydrogen peroxide, Neosporin, and medical tape from his bathroom. He let Blaine lead him down the stairs to the trashcan. They threw the objects away. Kurt knew he should tell Blaine about the blade hidden in his messenger bag, but he couldn't. Even if he wasn't using it, knowing that he had the option made it easier sometimes.

"I'm _so_ proud of you." Blaine held him close once they were back upstairs.

Kurt smiled weakly, feeling guilty for keeping one blade secret. He pushed the feeling away, grabbing Blaine's hand. "I've been wanting to ask you something."

"You can ask me anything. You know that," Blaine said.

"This is going to be our senior year. I want it to be _perfect_. I want to be able to spend it with you."

"You want me to transfer."

"Yes." Kurt nodded.

Blaine sighed heavily. "I would love to be able to see you every day again."

"But?"

"But I'm afraid. I know Dalton is sheltered, but it kept me safe when I needed it the most." Kurt's heart dropped. Blaine squeezed his hand. "I'm not saying no. I'll think about it, okay?"

"That's all I ask." Kurt lifted his eyes to meet Blaine's. "Thank you."

"Don't thank me yet. Even if I _do_ decide to transfer I'll have to get my parents to agree, and you know how my dad is."

"Still, thank you for even considering it."

"Anything to make you happy. You know I love you." Blaine brushed his lips against Kurt's.

"I love you too."

"Forever?" Blaine asked with a smile.

"Always." Kurt kissed him deeply, knowing it was true.


	17. Chapter 16:  Purple Piano Project

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: This chapter marks the beginning of Season Three. The chapter takes place during the "Purple Piano Project" episode. "Hurt" was originally sung by Nine Inch Nails and covered by Johnny Cash. I prefer the Johnny Cash version but obviously, both versions fit. Blaine's speech about Kurt's recovery is based on something my pastor said to me the other day.
> 
> A special thank you goes out to Earth Magician for suggesting the use of "Save You" by Simple Plan.
> 
> Warning for this chapter: self-harm
> 
> Spoilers for: 3x01 The Purple Piano Project
> 
> Disclaimer: If I owned Glee, I would not be sitting in South Carolina. "Hurt" is owned by Nine Inch Nails, and "Save You" is owned by Simple Plan.

  


Chapter Sixteen: Purple Piano Project

Kurt was excited for the first day of his senior year. He hoped this school year would be better than the previous one. Blaine had still not answered his question about the possibility of him transferring, but Dalton's school year began the day after McKinley's and Blaine had another day to think. Unfortunately for Kurt, this meant he started the first day of school without seeing his boyfriend. In fact, Kurt did not see Blaine until after his own first day of school, Kurt's second. They were sitting in the Lima Bean, slowly sipping their coffees.

"Is everything okay? You're quiet," Blaine observed.

"No, I'm being passive aggressive." Kurt shook his head. "You promised you'd make a decision by the first day of school, yet there you sit, cute as ever but still donning your Dalton blazer."

Blaine sighed. "The Warblers are my friends, Kurt. I can't just bail on them. You know that."

"I do. But I _also_ know you said you'd decide by today and you haven't. Just hear me out, okay?" Kurt pleaded. "If you stay at Dalton, we'll stay competitors."

"That's true," Blaine interjected.

"I'm just not sure that our budding love can survive that." Kurt rolled his eyes upward to the ceiling, knowing Blaine would pick up on his sarcasm.

"You're just afraid we're going to beat you at sectionals," Blaine said with a smile.

"No, I'm afraid that _we're_ going to beat _you_ ," Kurt answered. Blaine laughed. "And I know what that does to you when I win. No, honestly I just want to see you more. I want my senior year to be magic and that's just not possible if you aren't in it as much as possible."

Blaine reached across the table and took Kurt's free hand, the other clutching his coffee cup. "I love you. You know that. I just need a few more days to think about this, okay? I promise I will let you know as _soon_ as I decide, but that's the best I can do right now."

"Okay." Kurt nodded. "I can respect that."

Kurt enjoyed the rest of his coffee date with Blaine, though it ended much too soon as Blaine had to drive back to Westerville. Kurt returned to his empty house. Finn was at Rachel's while Burt and Carole had gone out on a date. This left Kurt to fend for himself for dinner. He cooked a quick supper, trying to push away the numbness that plagued him.

But try as he might, the nothingness would not leave him be. Kurt ascended the stairs to his bedroom. He wanted to hurt himself, to be able to feel anything. He didn't even feel alive anymore he was so numb. Instead, he pulled his phone out of his pocket as he lay back on his bed. He dialed Blaine's number and waited for him to pick up. But he didn't; the phone rang and rang until he heard Blaine's voicemail message begin. He dialed the number a second time, but again he only got Blaine's voicemail. Kurt hung up, biting his lip to fight back the tears.

Blaine didn't want to talk to him. He didn't want to be with him. That was why he was staying at Dalton, so he wouldn't have to put up with Kurt every day. Kurt pushed himself off of the bed, going to his iPod dock. He scrolled through the song list until he found the one he was searching for. He sang along with the music as he cried.

_I hurt myself today_

_To see if I still feel._

_I focus on the pain,_

_The only thing that's real._

Kurt allowed his tears to fall, no longer fighting them off. It was no use anyway, they were too powerful. The numbness continued to settle into his bones until he felt completely detached from reality. Kurt wrapped his hands in his hair, pulling hard. He just needed to feel something, anything. His hands moved to the tops of his arms, his fingernails biting into the skin. His flesh broke under his nails but it wasn't enough.

_The needle tears a hole,_

_The old familiar sting._

_Try to kill it all away,_

_But I remember everything._

Unable to take the numbness anymore, Kurt found himself in Finn's bathroom. Blaine had made him throw away his blades and the only one that remained was in his messenger bag downstairs. Instead of going to get it, Kurt stole an unused disposable razor from his stepbrother. Back in the safety of his bathroom, he tore the razor apart until he could get to the individual razorblades. He let the pieces of plastic fall in the sink, grasping one of the blades in his hand.

_What have I become,_

_My sweetest friend._

_Everyone I know goes away_

_In the end._

_And you could have it all,_

_My empire of dirt._

_I will let you down._

_I will make you hurt._

Kurt knew he wasn't supposed to do this anymore, but what choice did he have left? He sang the next lines to the blade. He knew he couldn't think of the blade as his friend anymore. Things had changed. He was supposed to be getting better, whatever that was.

_I wear this crown of thorns,_

_Upon my liar's chair._

_Full of broken thoughts,_

_I cannot repair._

_Beneath the stains of time,_

_The feelings disappear._

_You are someone else,_

_I am still right here._

Unable to think of any other options, Kurt brought the steel edge of the blade to his wrist. He pushed the metal into his skin, watching as it opened and blood flowed out. The numbness disappeared as the red spread across his porcelain skin and the pain saturated his brain. He reveled in the fact that he could still make himself feel.

_What have I become,_

_My sweetest friend._

_Everyone I know goes away,_

_In the end._

Staring at his bleeding wrist, Kurt slowly came back down to earth. Realizing what he had done, he felt terrible. This wasn't how it was supposed to be. He was supposed to be getting healthier, finding different ways to cope with his emotions when they got to be too much. But now he had screwed up again.

_And you could have it all,_

_My empire of dirt._

_I will let you down._

_I will make you hurt._

Kurt wished he could take it back, that he had never broken into Finn's bathroom for the blade but he knew he couldn't. What's done was done, and he had to confess his weakness to Blaine. He laughed to himself, there had been a time when he had seen cutting as strength but now he knew it was weakness. It meant he had given in.

_If I could start again,_

_A million miles away._

_I would keep myself._

_I would find a way._

Hating himself, Kurt dropped the razorblade into the sink with the broken plastic. He knew he should get the blood out of the sink before it caused a stain but he couldn't get his legs to move. Kurt grabbed a hand towel from under his sink and pressed it again his wound, sinking to the ground. He leaned his head against the wall, allowing his self-loathing to consume him. He deserved what he got.

Kurt didn't know how long he sat there; he had no concept of time. His cell phone rang in the other room, shaking him from his thoughts. He thought it was Blaine's ringtone but he wasn't sure. Kurt pulled the towel away from his wrist, glad to see the wound had clotted. He noted his phone had stopped ringing, but made no move to see who had called. Instead he rinsed the blood from his skin in the sink. He didn't bother wrapping the cut since it had stopped bleeding already.

As Kurt turned the water off, his phone started to ring again. This time he was sure it was Blaine's ringtone. Kurt walked into the other room slowly, not sure of what to say. But it didn't take him long to cross the room to where his phone was lying on his bed. Sighing, Kurt answered.

"Kurt, thank God I was starting to worry. Are you okay? Why did you call me?" Blaine's voice relaxed slightly as he spoke, though he was clearly still concerned for his boyfriend.

"I'm sorry, Blaine. I'm _so_ sorry." Kurt bit his lip, blinking back tears. He waited for Blaine's anger, for him to yell, but he didn't. He didn't even sound disappointed.

"Why?" he asked calmly.

"I was numb. I couldn't feel anything and I tried to call you and I tried to sing about it but it didn't help. I just couldn't take it. I had to make myself feel." Kurt wiped away his tears.

"I'm sorry, baby. I forgot my phone in my room while I was eating dinner. I'm _so_ sorry. I should have made sure I had it with me." Blaine couldn't help but feel like this was his fault.

"Stop, Blaine. This isn't your fault, it's _mine_. I should have tried harder." Kurt knew exactly what his boyfriend was thinking. Blaine heard Kurt mumble something.

"What was that?"

"I hate myself for it."

"Don't. _Don't_ do that. How can you hate anyone as _wonderful_ as you? You just need to see this as this is where you are in your recovery right now. You _will_ get better. It's a fight; _every_ _day_ is going to be a fight but we know that. And I will be with you _every_ step of the way, supporting you. I'll be there to talk you down or to hold you when you cry. Don't beat yourself up over this, Kurt. Cutting is an addiction just like alcoholism or drugs. But we'll get through this together, one day at a time."

"Thank you." Kurt wiped the tears from his eyes.

"I love you, no matter what happens. I will _always_ love you."

Kurt stifled a sob. "I wish you were here to hold me right now."

Blaine's heart broke at Kurt's words. "I wish I was there to hold you too. I promise that the next time I see you I will hold you for as long as you want me to."

"Forever then."

Blaine laughed. "I'm not sure your dad would approve of that."

Kurt giggled. "Probably not, but he does want me to be happy. And you're what makes me happy."

"You make me happy too, Kurt. Now get some sleep. I love you."

"I love you too."

**K/B**

Kurt sat down on the edge of the stage next to Rachel after singing "Ding-Dong! The Witch is Dead." He was trying to think positively about the NYADA social but it was hard to when the future was so uncertain. How did they know that they would even get into NYADA? And would Blaine still want to follow him to New York if he didn't get in the best school possible? He knew Blaine had his own Broadway dreams, but he was so talented that it wouldn't be hard for him to get any job in the music industry that he wanted. What if Blaine changed his mind about New York? Kurt's thoughts must have shown on his face because Rachel nudged his shoulder.

"What's wrong?" she asked.

"Nothing," Kurt answered automatically. He was so used to denying there was any problem that he didn't think twice about it.

Rachel knew better than to believe him though. She gave him a look and Kurt sighed. He pressed the cut from the previous night against the stage floor before he spoke.

"I'm afraid Blaine will change his mind about New York," Kurt admitted.

"Why? Has he said something to make you think that?" Rachel asked.

"No, but-"

"But nothing." Rachel cut him off. "Blaine loves you. He'd follow you to the end of the earth if you asked him to."

"You really think so?" Kurt asked skeptically.

"I do. But if you are so worried about this maybe you should apply somewhere else too. It never hurts to have a plan B. Maybe you should consider a college here in Ohio. You'd be close to your father that way."

"But New York is my dream."

"I know it is, sweetie. And I'm not saying that you won't make it. I'm saying it doesn't hurt to have a back-up just in case."

"Do you have a back-up?" Kurt asked knowingly.

"Well, not as far as colleges go," Rachel admitted. "My back-up consists of going to New York and forcing people to listen to me sing until they realize how talented I am."

"But you have no back-up _for_ New York," Kurt pointed out.

"I don't need one. And in the end, you won't either. But maybe knowing you have a second option will help with your anxiety. You need to stop worrying so much."

"That's a little hard to do when you have an anxiety disorder," Kurt snapped, getting to his feet.

"I'm sorry, Kurt! Please, let's just focus on making the most out of our senior year." Rachel grabbed his arm to stop him from leaving.

"It looks like that's going to be a fulltime job," Kurt remarked. So far his senior year had been anything with perfect. Their performance in the cafeteria had ended in a food fight, only one person had auditioned for the New Directions and Sugar Motta was horrible. Then there was the fact that Blaine was still at Dalton, no one had heard from Quinn, and Sam had moved to Kentucky with his family.

"Just because things aren't going great this first week doesn't mean they're going to stay that way," Rachel told him as she took his arm and led him towards the choir room.

"I hope you're right." Kurt sighed unhappily.

Rachel gave him a look. "I'm always right."

They both laughed, though Kurt wasn't completely sure that the girl was joking. He let her lead him down the hall, sincerely hoping that things would get better soon. He had already slipped up once and the last thing he wanted was for it to happen again.

**K/B**

Kurt had never been more exhausted in his life. Nightmares had plagued him all night. Around four in the morning, he had finally given up on sleep. Now he deeply regretted that decision as he was forced to function off of the meager three hours he had slept nightmare free.

Standing in front of his locker, Kurt looked into the mirror and sighed. He was so tired he had forgotten to style his hair that morning. It was almost lunchtime and he had only just noticed. Glad that he kept a canister of hairspray with him at all times, Kurt quickly fixed his hair into place. He put the hairspray back in his locker and picked up his books.

"Hey you," a familiar voice said cheerfully.

Kurt turned to see Blaine. He closed his locker door and turned to face him.

"Well aren't you a sight for these sores eyes." Kurt hugged his textbooks to his chest.

"Bad morning?" Blaine asked sympathetically.

"Bad week more like it," Kurt answered. He slipped his books into his messenger bag. "Wait, why are you here? Shouldn't you be at Warbler practice?"

"Okay, for someone who loves clothes so much I can't believe you haven't noticed I'm not wearing my Warbler outfit," Blaine said with a smile as he followed Kurt down the hall.

Kurt turned on the spot. "Wait, wait."

Blaine allowed Kurt a second to process the information, tilting his head to the side.

"Oh!" Kurt flung his arms around his boyfriend, hugging him tightly. Blaine chuckled in his ear, holding him close. Kurt tried to pull away from the hug but Blaine was still holding on tight. "Blaine, honey?"

"I told you the next time I saw you I'd hold you as long as you wanted me to. And that's what I'm doing," Blaine told him.

Kurt laughed. They broke the hug at the same time. Kurt looked Blaine in the eyes, his mind whirling.

"Wait, you didn't do this for me did you? Because if you did this for me it would be _very_ romantic for one but it could lead to resentment which could lead to anger which could lead to a horrible, horrible, nasty break-up." Kurt was visibly starting to panic.

"Hey, hey, calm down. I came here for me. Because I can't stand to be apart from the person I _love_ ," Blaine told him earnestly.

Kurt smiled widely. "Well, I guess we will have to find a way to ease you into the New Directions."

"I already have that figured out," Blaine said with a wink. He pulled Kurt out the door into the courtyard.

Kurt watched Blaine perform "It's Not Unusual" with a smile. He knew Blaine would fit in fine with the glee club, but the rest of the school was another matter completely. He knew how harsh their peers could be, and while he was nothing but ecstatic about his boyfriend's transfer, he knew the other students would not feel the same way. Especially the jocks.

He was torn from his thoughts as the piano went up in flames. Blaine put a hand on his shoulder, knowing it had shaken Kurt. There weren't any comforting words, but just the touch of his hand was enough.

**K/B**

Kurt felt numb, completely and totally numb. The NYADA social had been disastrous. This was not supposed to happen. He listened to Rachel as they sat in her car, still parked in the lot.

"I've _never_ been so humiliated in my life." Rachel sobbed.

"Me either," Kurt admitted. "And that's a _really_ high bar."

"They were so. . . ." Rachel's voice trailed off.

"Fabulous," Kurt finished the sentence for her. "Rachel, we might be hot stuff at McKinley but outside those walls we aren't even _stuff_. Have we been so deluded and arrogant? What if we're not good enough to make it?"

"We'll be stuck performing in community theaters." Rachel turned to face him. "Face it. This is our future. Not everyone's dreams come true."

"Okay, this is ending right now." Kurt adjusted Rachel's rearview mirror so they could both see their reflections in the smooth surface. "Look at yourself. What do you see?"

"Dashed hopes and dreams," Rachel answered.

"You're _Rachel_ _Berry_ ," Kurt told her. "You're one of a kind. There's _no_ _one_ like you out there and there never will be."

"That's really funny because it seems like there is," Rachel disagreed.

"Okay, so you've never been in a high school production because _Cabaret_ and _Rocky Horror_ were cancelled. Maybe they have more experience. They have more talent. But you are _fierce_ , Rachel. Your ambition does pushups while you sleep. Nobody wants more than you. _Nobody_. And you're not giving up, because _I_ won't let you. You are getting into that school," Kurt told her passionately.

Rachel looked at him seriously. "You make me want to be your boyfriend."

Kurt laughed.

"You're getting in too. I know it," Rachel said.

"I doubt it." Kurt shook his head. "I have almost no extracurriculars."

"Well, it's not too late. You have an _entire_ year left. There are plenty of other clubs, like student council." Kurt turned to her in disbelief. Rachel smiled. "I'm not the only fierce one. Swear it. We're going to do this."

Kurt smiled slightly with a nod. He extended the pink of his right hand, offering it to Rachel. Rachel wrapped her own pinky around his. They released the hold into spirit hands while they both laughed.

"You realize we just did the gay high five," Kurt said through his laughter.

"Yeah." Rachel giggled, wiping away her tears. "We did."

Kurt listened to Rachel sing along with the radio on the way back to his house. Maybe there was still hope for this year after all.

**K/B**

Blaine walked into the choir room the next morning, followed by Will. Will clapped his hands on Blaine's shoulders and addressed the group.

"Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the newest member of the New Directions: Blaine Anderson!"

The group clapped, listening as Blaine made a little speech about making it to nationals that year. Everything was going great, until Finn had to open his mouth.

"What's wrong, Finn?" Will asked, seeing the look on the boy's face.

"I just want Blaine to realize we're not the Warblers," Finn said.

"I'm sorry. Did I do something wrong?" Blaine asked as he took a seat next to Kurt.

"Yes, actually. You set our piano on fire in the courtyard," Finn answered.

Santana leaned forward to look at Finn around Rachel. "Actually, that was an act of political protest."

"Which leads me to the next order of business," Will said as he walked towards the Cheerio. "Santana, you need to leave. You and the Cheerios set fire to our piano."

"Sue made me!" Santana protested.

"Brittany didn't do it." Will pointed out. "You're banned from glee club, Santana. Don't come back until you can be as loyal as the rest of the people in this room."

Kurt watched in disbelief as Santana stalked out of the room. He could tell she was trying to act like the ban had not upset her, but it clearly had. He listened to the banter between Rachel and Mercedes as Rachel suggested _West Side Story_ for the annual school musical.

"Kurt, didn't you have something you wanted to say?" Will asked.

Kurt jumped to his feet. "I've decided to wade into McKinley's shark-infested political waters and run for senior class president! I thank you in advance for your votes."

Rachel applauded with a smile on her face. Kurt looked to Blaine, and could tell his boyfriend wanted to talk to him. They didn't find the chance until after they had joined in with the group, singing "You Can't Stop the Beat." Once everyone trickled out of the auditorium, Blaine confronted him.

"So you're running for president." It was a statement, not a question.

"Is that going to be a problem?" Kurt asked confusion evident on his face.

"I'm just surprised you didn't talk to me about it first. I don't think you should be adding to your stress level, Kurt." Blaine frowned.

Kurt sighed, taking Blaine's hand in his. "Look, if things get too intense I will drop out of the race but I promise it won't come to that. I wish you wouldn't worry about me so much. I need something to help me get into NYADA and this is it."

"I'm just afraid you're going to relapse from all of the stress and the pressure."

"I wish I could tell you that I won't, but we both know that I can't do that. Not yet. I don't know what's going to happen in the future. But right now, I want to get better. I don't know how long it's going to take, and I know there will be bumps along the way, but I will get better."

"I see _everything_ that you've gone through, and are still going through. I just . . ." Blaine trailed off, shaking his head. He could feel himself about to break but he had to tell Kurt how he felt. So he did it the way he knew best.

_Take a breath._

_I pull myself together._

_Just another step until I reach the door._

_You'll never know the way it tears me up inside to see you._

_I wish that I could tell you something_

_To take it all away._

Kurt listened as Blaine sang, knowing he meant every word. If only it were as simple as a magic word that would fix everything. But there wasn't one. There hadn't been one when his mom had first gotten sick, and there wasn't one now.

_Sometimes I wish I could save you._

_And there're so many things that I want you to know._

_I won't give up till it's over._

_If it takes you forever I want you to know._

Blaine had run away to Dalton to avoid his problems. And it had worked. But Kurt had not been able to escape until things finally escalated to his life being threatened. And by that time, Kurt had already learned how to fix his problems for himself. Now, Kurt was stuck. He was trying so hard to get better and to ignore the urges, but it was not always that easy. They both knew it would take time for Kurt to recover completely, but Blaine would be there with him every step of the way. No matter how long it took.

_When I hear your voice,_

_It's drowning in the whispers._

_It's just skin and bones._

_There's nothing left to take._

_And no matter what I do I can't make you feel better._

_If only I could find the answer_

_To help me understand._

Blaine understood why Kurt had turned to cutting. He had never done it himself, but he knew that it was something many people struggled with. But that did mean he wasn't able to understand completely. Blaine didn't know how it felt to want to physically hurt yourself just so the emotional anguish would give you a second of reprieve. All he wanted was to take that pain away from Kurt and make it his own. And knowing that was impossible killed him.

_Sometimes I wish I could save you._

_And there're so many things that I want you to know._

_I won't give up till it's over._

_If it takes you forever I want you to know that_

_If you fall, stumble down,_

_I'll pick you up off the ground._

_If you lose faith in you,_

_I'll give you strength to pull through._

_Tell me you won't give up cause I'll be waiting if you fall._

_Oh you know I'll be there for you._

Blaine knew Kurt was right when he said there would be bumps along the way. Recovery was not going to be easy, that had already been proven true. But no matter how many times Kurt would fall, Blaine would set him back on his feet and help him to continue on his way. Blaine knew there would be times when Kurt would just want to give up on recovery, but he would not allow that to happen. Kurt had to get better. He had to.

_If only I could find the answer_

_To take it all away._

_Sometimes I wish I could save you._

_And there're so many things that I want you to know._

_I won't give up till it's over._

_If it takes you forever I want you to know._

_I wish I could save you._

_I want you to know,_

_I wish I could save you._

Kurt wrapped his arms around Blaine's neck as the song ended, brushing their lips together. Blaine's hands dropped to Kurt's hips, holding him there. When they pulled apart, Blaine took Kurt's right arm. He unbuttoned the sleeve and rolled it up until he could see the cut Kurt had inflicted upon himself earlier that week. The cut was healing properly, but had yet to heal completely.

"This was who you were. It doesn't have to be who you _are_." Blaine traced the wound with his finger.

"It won't be," Kurt assured him. "It won't be."


	18. Chapter 17:  I Am Unicorn

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Thank you to everyone who reviewed, favorited, or alerted this story! This chapter contains three of my favorite songs. I hope you enjoy! This chapter takes place during the "I Am Unicorn" episode.
> 
> Warnings for this chapter: self-harm
> 
> Spoilers for: 3x02 - I Am Unicorn
> 
> Disclaimer: I do not own Glee. "Give Me A Sign" belongs to Breaking Benjamin. "Iris" belongs to the Goo Goo Dolls. "Hang On" belongs to Plumb.

  


Chapter Seventeen: I Am Unicorn

"I really like your outfit."

Kurt looked up, surprised to see Brittany standing beside him. He smiled at the compliment. "Thank you, Britt."

"I really want to run your campaign for president," Brittany said. "Out of all of the kids in this school I think you are the biggest unicorn."

"I'm sorry?" Kurt was more confused than was normal from a conversation with Brittany.

"Come on, everyone knows when a pony does a good deed he gets a horn. He becomes a unicorn and poops out cotton candy until he forgets he's magical and his horn falls off," Brittany explained.

The smile vanished from Kurt's face. Every time he thought the blonde could never shock him more than she already had, he was proven wrong.

"That's a terrifying story." Kurt closed his locker and turned to walk down the hall. Brittany followed him, linking her arm through his.

"No it's not. My point is a unicorn is someone who knows they're magical and aren't afraid to show it. You went through hell last year and you never forgot how special you are. And I'm really popular so I could help you get a lot of votes."

"Then why don't you run?"

"I'm not smart enough."

Kurt stopped outside his classroom door, turning to face her. He wasn't sure that it was the best idea, but he couldn't turn the girl down. "I'm flattered, Brittany."

"Great. I'll come over after school and we'll work on some campaign ideas."

Kurt entered the classroom after Brittany left. He looked up when Blaine took the seat next to him.

"Good morning!" he said cheerfully.

"Morning," Kurt said with a smile. He reached across the aisle to squeeze Blaine's hand while no one was looking.

"Kurt," Blaine hissed. He nodded his head towards Kurt's left wrist where the sleeve had ridden up, exposing his most recent cuts. Kurt panicked, wrenching his sleeve down. He withdrew his arm hastily. "Hey, it's okay. No one saw."

Blaine knew Kurt worried constantly about someone finding out his secret. He wished he could say no one would care, but they both knew the truth. Kurt turned his head away as the teacher chose that moment to start class. He was grateful for the distraction. Blaine had already known Kurt had relapsed, but for some reason Kurt was acting like he felt guilty. Blaine filed this away to discuss with his boyfriend later as he pulled a pencil out and began to take notes.

**K/B**

Kurt was shocked when Will included his name in the list for the people required to attend Booty Camp. He looked to Blaine, who shrugged his shoulders, before turning back to Will.

"I _must_ protest," Kurt said, raising a finger.

"You only have one move, Kurt, and it's this really distracting sashay," Mike said.

"This is _ridiculous_ ," Kurt whispered to Blaine.

Blaine shrugged his shoulders, unhelpfully. "You know I love your dancing, but I can't speak for the people who aren't in love with you."

Kurt blushed, turning his attention back to Will and Mercedes. He was surprised when Blaine raised his hand.

"Mr. Schuester, do you mind if I join you? I really need to catch up with you guys." Blaine looked between Will and Kurt, waiting for one of them to protest. He smiled when they both nodded in acceptance. Blaine could tell Kurt was upset about being sentenced to Booty Camp, but he hoped his presence could help alleviate whatever anxiety was tormenting him.

Blaine waited until everyone had left to confront Kurt.

"Are you okay?" he asked.

"I'll be fine. I need to go though. Brittany is going to help me with my campaign posters so I need to get home before she gets there." Kurt walked out the door, knowing Blaine would follow him. He needed to cut. This meant he had to get home before Brittany got there.

"Oh, okay. Well, call me whenever she leaves. Maybe we can study together," Blaine suggested.

"Not tonight, Blaine. I have too much to do." Kurt looked up just in time to see the crestfallen look cross Blaine's face. "Oh, honey. I'm sorry. I don't mean to blow you off. You know I'd love to do nothing else but spend time with you, but I have so much planning to do for the campaign."

"It's okay," Blaine assured him. "I understand. Call me before you go to bed."

"I will," Kurt promised. He kissed Blaine swiftly on the cheek before he climbed into the driver's seat of his Navigator and pulled out of the parking lot.

Unfortunately, Brittany was already waiting in his driveway when Kurt got home. He sighed to himself, knowing he would have to wait until later to make himself strong. Kurt led Brittany up to his room, watching in horror as she pulled out several pink posters and explained her idea for Kurt Hummel's Bulging Pink Fun Sack. He hated having to tell Brittany the truth, but he couldn't lie to her. The entire thing was a joke. Kurt let her down as easy as possible, sighing in relief when the girl finally left. After seeing her out, he returned to his room, entering his bathroom without a second's hesitation.

Gripping the sink, he stared into his reflection in the mirror. Why couldn't he ever do anything right? Why could he be good enough for a change? Ignoring the tears that streamed down his cheeks, Kurt pulled his razorblade out of its hiding spot. Kurt knew he had to hurry because his dad would be home at any moment. He pulled his shirt up and brought the blade down to the sensitive skin of his stomach. He pushed it in, watching as the crimson blossomed across his porcelain skin. He cleaned up after himself quickly, not wanting to risk being interrupted.

Kurt walked back into his bedroom, stretching out across the mattress. He knew he should call Blaine and tell him what he had done, but he couldn't bring himself to do so. He couldn't stand to hear the disappointment in his boyfriend's voice. So instead, Kurt stared at the ceiling until his father called him down to dinner. And when he called Blaine that night before bed, he pretended that everything was all right.

**K/B**

Kurt took his place next to Blaine, going through the movements of the grapevine as Will instructed.

"I'm only doing this in the hopes that it might help with the auditions tomorrow," Kurt admitted.

"I'm still trying to decide between 'Maria' and 'Something's Coming,'" Blaine said as he copied Mike's steps.

"Those are Tony songs. Are you auditioning for Tony too?" Kurt asked in surprise. He had hoped Blaine would try out with him, but not for the same part.

"Would that be weird?" Blaine asked, not wanting to upset his boyfriend.

"No not at all. You'd be great as Tony, perfect actually." Kurt knew if Blaine auditioned for Tony he would get the part. There was no doubt about that. He was perfect for the part, whereas Kurt was too feminine.

"Except you've been here longer. You already have great chemistry with everyone. I'd be fine with any part as long as I'm up there on that stage with you," Blaine told him truthfully.

Kurt smiled. "You're too sweet."

"Guys, stop talking! Concentrate on your dancing!" Will exclaimed from the front of the room. Kurt sighed unhappily but listened, trying to ignore Blaine's close proximity for the rest of the hour.

**K/B**

The next day, Kurt tried to ignore his nerves as he made his way to the auditorium. His hands were shaking and before he could quite realize what he was doing, he found himself pushing open the door to the boys' restroom. Choosing the stall furthest from the door, Kurt shifted through his messenger bag until he found his blade. He drug it across his stomach, gasping at the relief the action bought. Kurt smeared the blood across his skin with his fingertip, watching it color the snow white flesh red. He put the blade back in his bag before pressing toilet paper to the cut. He waited until the bleeding had stopped before wiping the remaining blood off of his stomach.

Now that he had made himself strong, Kurt had no nervousness. He grabbed his messenger bag and pushed the bathroom door open. Once in the auditorium, he waited until he heard Artie call " _Next_!" before he crossed the stage.

"I will be auditioning for Tony, the male lead." Kurt announced with a smile.

"What will you be singing?" Artie asked.

"I will be performing the semi-autobiographical 'I Am the Greatest Star' from _Funny Girl_."

"Isn't that a Streisand song?" Coach Beiste asked.

"I know what you're thinking, but I got written permission from the woman herself: Miss Rachel Berry." The sentence had the desired effect of laughter, which helped soothe Kurt's nerves.

"Whenever you're ready," Artie told him.

Kurt performed flawlessly. He sang his heart out while climbing over the scaffolding his father had built for him. And he knew instantly the sai swords had been a huge success. Coach Beiste, Emma, and Artie all cheered for him when it was over.

Kurt grabbed his messenger bag from backstage, pushing open the door to the hallway. He wasn't surprised to find Blaine there waiting for him.

"How did it go?" he asked innocently.

"As if you weren't watching," Kurt said with a smile.

"You're right. I couldn't stay away. I love watching you perform." Blaine took his hand in his as they walked towards the parking lot.

"Do you want to come over? Finn is at Rachel's and Carole and Dad won't be home until later."

"Are you inviting me back to your empty house?" Blaine asked in a scandalized voice.

Kurt laughed. "I'll take that as a yes."

"Well, of course it's a yes. Like I could turn _you_ down." Blaine walked around to the passenger side of Kurt's car. They had decided it made more sense to carpool to school instead of them both taking separate cars, as more often than not they ended up at the same place after school.

Kurt started the car and pulled out of the parking lot. He laughed when Blaine yelled 'Ooh!' in excitement when P!nk's "Fucking Perfect" came on the radio. Blaine cranked up the volume, singing along loudly. Kurt shook his head at his boyfriend but joined in, harmonizing with Blaine's voice perfectly. Not much later, they were pulling into Kurt's driveway. Kurt cut the engine before they climbed out of the car, grabbing their bags from the backseat.

The couple rushed up the stairs to Kurt's room, happy to have the house to themselves. Blaine threw his bag on the ground before stepped towards Kurt, crushing his mouth to his. Kurt moaned happily, running his hands through Blaine's hair to free it from its gel confines. They kissed for several minutes until Kurt pulled away, breathing heavily.

"I've been wanting to do that all day," Blaine said with a smile.

"Then why didn't you?" Kurt asked in a breathy voice.

"There were always too many people around. I didn't want to risk Finn seeing us and running to Burt. He might decide to cut my lips off." Blaine tangled his fingers together with Kurt's.

"Well we can't have _that_ now, can we?" Kurt asked, taking a step towards Blaine. Their lips met again briefly but Kurt pulled away again. He didn't move far, satisfied with speaking against Blaine's lips. "Besides, he wouldn't do that. Not when he has a shotgun."

" _So_ not helping." Blaine pressed his lips back to Kurt's, groaning when the other boy licked his way into his mouth. Blaine's hands fell to Kurt's hips, pulling the boy closer so their torsos were pressed together. Blaine didn't know what reaction he had been expecting from Kurt, but it was definitely not the one he got.

Kurt hissed in pain as their stomachs brushed against each other. He leapt away from Blaine, looking down in horror as blood seeped through his tight-fitting shirt.

"Kurt?" Blaine asked, knowing instantly what had happened.

"I must've hurt myself on the scaffolding," Kurt said, attempting to lie his way out of the situation.

"Dammit, Kurt, _don't_ lie to me!" Blaine exclaimed angrily. "I know you hurt yourself. I'm not stupid!" Blaine stepped towards him, pulling Kurt's shirt up to expose the damage he had done to himself that week. The damage he had inflicted without telling Blaine. "You're supposed to be getting better! You're not supposed to be doing this anymore!"

"Well, maybe I don't want to get better anymore! Did you ever consider _that!_ I wasn't ready for this! _You_ pushed me into it! Well this is my decision, not yours!" Kurt screamed back. He expected more anger from Blaine, but when the boy's face screwed up in pain he was shocked. Tears formed behind Blaine's eyes as he folded in on himself, sinking to the floor. "No, please don't cry! I'm sorry! I'm _so_ sorry, Blaine. I didn't mean to yell at you."

"I'm so sorry, Kurt. I'm so sorry," Blaine sobbed.

"No, baby. Please, don't cry. This isn't your fault. I should have said I wasn't ready. I should have been more adamant. Please, don't cry. It isn't your fault. I won't shut you out again."

"You can't keep this from me, Kurt. You can't," Blaine said through his tears.

Kurt fell to his knees beside his boyfriend. "I'm sorry, Blaine. I won't lie to you again, I promise."

"I can't lose you," Blaine sobbed weakly, pulling his knees up to his chest.

"What? Baby, I'm not going anywhere. You will _never_ lose me."

Blaine shook his head feebly, burying his face in his knees. Kurt placed a hand over Blaine's.

"Please, tell me why you're afraid of that. I swear to you I will never leave you."

Blaine slowly raised his head to look at Kurt. He didn't know how to say what he needed to say, so he took a deep breath and began to sing.

_Dead star shine,_

_Light up the sky._

_I'm all out of breath._

_My walls are closing in._

_Days go by._

_Give me a sign._

_Come back to the end,_

_The shepherd of the damned._

Each passing day was a challenge for Kurt, Blaine knew that. But what Kurt didn't know was how hard it was for Blaine to watch everything that he went through. He just wanted to make everything go away, to take the pain away.

_I can feel you falling away._

_No longer the lost._

_No longer the same._

_And I can see you starting to break._

_I'll keep you alive,_

_If you show me the way._

_Forever and ever,_

_The scars will remain._

_I'm falling apart._

_Leave me here forever in the dark._

Seeing Kurt suffer was killing Blaine. He knew it had only been a matter of time before he fell apart, but he hated that it had to happen in front of Kurt. Blaine could tell Kurt was getting worse, not better. He wasn't himself anymore. And Blaine was terrified that one day he would walk into Kurt's room to find him unconscious on the floor, bleeding out.

Kurt placed a hand over Blaine's before he began to sing with him.

_Daylight dies,_

_Blackout the sky._

_Does anyone care?_

_Is anybody there?_

_Take this life,_

_Empty inside._

_I'm already dead._

_I'll rise to fall again._

Blaine hoped Kurt knew that it didn't matter how many times he gave up, Blaine would never give up. He would be there every step of the way, no matter what happened. He would never abandon Kurt. When Kurt felt like no one cared, he would show him that he did. And when Kurt felt alone, he'd help him feel his presence.

_I can feel you falling away._

_No longer the lost._

_No longer the same._

_And I can see you starting to break._

_I'll keep you alive,_

_If you show me the way._

_Forever and ever,_

_The scars will remain._

_I'm falling apart._

_Leave me here forever in the dark._

_God, help me I've come undone._

_Out of the light of the sun._

_God, help me I've come undone._

_Out of the light of the sun._

For now, it seemed like Kurt had disappeared back into the darkness of his depression. He had let the cutting take over once more, but Blaine was determined to show him the light. The problem was getting Kurt to see it. If only he could tell Blaine how.

_I can feel you falling away._

_No longer the lost._

_No longer the same._

_And I can see you starting to break._

_I'll keep you alive,_

_If you show me the way._

_Forever and ever,_

_The scars will remain._

Blaine let his eyes drop to the blood on Kurt's shirt. He knew Kurt would always have his scars, though they would eventually fade with time. They would always be there, physically and mentally. Blaine looked forward to the time when there were no new ones marring his boyfriend's beautiful skin.

Kurt squeezed Blaine's hand as they continued to sing. Kurt's voice echoed after Blaine's.

_Give me a sign._

_(There's something buried in the words.)_

_Give me a sign._

_(Your tears are adding to the flood.)_

_Just give me a sign._

_(There's something buried in the words.)_

_Give me a sign._

_(Your tears are adding to the flood.)_

_Just give me a sign._

_(There's something buried in the words.)_

_Give me a sign._

_(Your tears are adding to the flood.)_

_Forever and ever,_

_The scars will remain._

As the song ended, Kurt pulled Blaine into his arms. He held him tightly, letting him cry against his chest. When they finally pulled apart, Blaine's words broke Kurt's heart.

"It hurts me to watch you go through this. I'm _terrified_ that one day I'll find you again, unconscious and bleeding," Blaine whispered.

"You won't. I'm careful."

"No, you're _not_! There's _nothing_ careful about what you're doing, Kurt. It's _dangerous_ ," Blaine said sadly.

"I would _never_ put you through that again, Blaine. I _love_ you." Kurt tugged him back into his arms.

Blaine rested his head on Kurt's shoulder, wishing there was some way to make Kurt see the truth. But he knew he couldn't. So he simply whispered back, "I love you too."

**K/B**

Kurt had heard through Tina that Artie, Coach Beiste, and Emma were meeting to discuss the casting for _West Side Story._ He had positioned himself outside the open window to Emma's office, sitting on the ground so no one could see him.

"Kurt Hummel, talk about star quality, huh?" Emma's voice drifted out through the window.

Kurt gripped his tissue tighter, smiling widely. This was exactly what he had wanted to hear. But his heart sunk as Coach Beiste began to speak.

"My only problem is Tony is supposed to be a gang member. I look at Kurt, and I don't believe it."

"Kurt could bring delicateness to the character of Tony," Emma defended him. "Tony is retired from the gang, after all."

"Look, I love Kurt. But I want a masculine Tony. Kurt is too feminine," Coach Beiste said.

Kurt bit his lip, fighting off tears. He continued to listen as Emma asked Artie for his opinion.

"We should wait and see who else comes in. I'm just worried Kurt is a little _delicate_ for Tony," Artie said.

Kurt crawled out from under the window, taking care not to be seen. He just couldn't do anything good enough, no matter how hard he tried. Everyone always expected more from him than he could ever give. Trying his best wasn't good enough anymore. Unable to stand the cloud of depression and anxiety, Kurt hurried to the nearest bathroom. He rifled through his bag for the blade, dropping the bag to the ground once he had found it. Kurt pulled up his shirt and aligned the edge of the razor with his skin, pushing in slowly as he pulled the blade up. The razor sliced into his skin, releasing the pain Kurt was seeking.

Remembering his promise to Blaine, Kurt quickly cleaned up after himself. His next class was with Blaine so it would be easy enough to find him. When he entered the classroom, Blaine was already sitting in his seat.

"Hey!" Blaine smiled cheerfully.

"Hi," Kurt answered glumly.

"What's wrong?" Blaine asked instantly.

Kurt didn't answer verbally. Instead he turned to face Blaine, hoping he would read what he needed to say in his eyes. Blaine took one look at his boyfriend's blue-green eyes, still red from crying, and took a deep breath.

"Why?" he asked.

"I can't do anything right. All I ever do is screw everything up," Kurt said sadly.

"That's _not_ true." There was so much that Blaine wanted to tell him, but he was denied the chance when the teacher began to speak. They didn't get a chance to speak after class either. They agreed to meet after school so they could talk.

Kurt was walking down the hall after school when he saw the first poster. Several yards away, Santana was helping Brittany post more. Pink posters with unicorns and Kurt's face declaring his run for presidency. Kurt tore the nearest one off the wall, running to Brittany.

"This is _not_ the poster we agreed on!" Kurt exclaimed breathlessly when he reached the cheerleaders.

"The poster you wanted was depressing," Brittany said.

"I wanted something simple and _toned_ _down_ ," Kurt told them.

"This is toned down compared to the first posters," Santana cut in.

"Why are you so upset? You need to embrace how special you are." Brittany took a step towards him.

"I'm not going to win," Kurt said through his tears. He was distracted when he noticed Rachel walking by him. Kurt grabbed her by the arm, pulling her in the direction of the auditorium. "Rachel, I need you to come help me reaudition for Tony." As they walked off he turned around and yelled back down the hall to Brittany and Santana. "And tear down those posters!"

Once in the auditorium, Kurt explained that he was going to reaudition with a scene from _Romeo and Juliet_ with Rachel playing Juliet. He read through his lines flawlessly, trying to ignore the snickers coming from the three casting directors sitting in the audience. But the final straw came when he leaned forward as if to kiss Rachel and the girl burst into laughter. Kurt pulled back instantly and Rachel knew her mistake.

"I'm sorry! Its fine, you can kiss me." Rachel tried to pull him back down to complete the scene but Kurt was already standing. He ran from the auditorium, quickly shedding the Romeo costume for his normal clothes. Then he sprinted to the nearest bathroom.

Kurt threw his bag on the ground next to the sinks, pulling his razorblade out quickly. He pressed the blade into the skin of his wrist. The door burst open and Rachel ran in, but it was too late. Kurt was already pressing the blade back into his flesh again, making a cut parallel to the first one.

" _Kurt, stop!"_ Rachel pulled the blade out of his hand.

"No!" Kurt yelled, grabbing it back from her. He hissed in pain when the blade bit into the skin of his palm, but Kurt could care less. He needed the pain so badly at that moment that he didn't care how it happened as long as he got it.

" _Kurt_ , listen to me! I'm sorry that I laughed at you. I didn't mean it. Just _please_ , don't hurt yourself," Rachel pleaded with him.

"It's a little too late for that!"

Kurt turned away from her, pulling paper towels out of the dispenser. He pressed them to his cuts before slipping the razorblade back into his messenger bag. Without another word, Kurt left the bathroom. He could hear Rachel's footsteps behind him as he walked towards the choir room, but he ignored her.

Silence fell the instant Kurt entered the room, Rachel following quickly behind him. Blaine was on his feet instantly and at Kurt's side. Rachel was still trying to talk to him but he continued to ignore her and tried to walk around Blaine to get to his seat.

"Kurt, _stop_. What happened?" Blaine asked, worry evident in his voice.

Kurt's eyes were red from crying. Blaine was unable to see the cuts on his wrist because of the long-sleeved shirt he wore, but Blaine knew he had hurt himself. Blood was dripping down Kurt's wrist to his hand, where his palm was still bleeding from the cut there.

"Kurt?" Mercedes asked, slowly rising from her seat.

"Please, _don't_ ," Kurt said in a broken voice. Again, he tried to walk past Blaine but Blaine grabbed his right arm to stop him.

"We _need_ to talk about this," he said.

" _No_ , we don't," Kurt argued.

"I agree with Blaine. Why didn't you come to us if you were upset?" Finn asked, clearly concerned for his stepbrother's well-being.

"Because it's not your problem!" Kurt exclaimed. "You don't _understand_! None of you do! I know you try, Blaine. I know you do, but you _don't_. And that's _not_ your fault. It's _mine_." Kurt paused for a moment before he continued, "I don't want this to be the only part of me that you guys see."

"It isn't, Kurt. I _swear_ to you it isn't." Blaine gripped both of Kurt's hands in his, careful to avoid touching the cut to his palm.

"You are _the best part_ of my life right now," Kurt told Blaine honestly. He turned to the group. "I know it seems like I have the perfect life but it's far from it. I struggle _every single day_ and no one notices except Blaine."

"No one notices because you don't want them to," Blaine told him. "You're a good actor."

"Just please, listen to me. It's hard for me to talk about this. Please, go sit down." Kurt pushed Blaine back towards his seat. "I can't talk about it, but maybe this will help you to understand."

Kurt waited until Blaine, Rachel, and Mercedes had returned to their seats before he began to sing.

_And I'd give up forever to touch you,_

' _Cause I know that you feel me somehow._

_You're the closest to Heaven that I'll ever be,_

_And I don't want to go home right now._

Kurt slowly walked towards Blaine as he sang. Blaine was the one constant in his life. Everything else good eventually turned sour, but not Blaine. If not for Blaine, Kurt would not be standing there today. And they both knew it.

_And all I can taste is this moment._

_And all I can breathe is your life._

' _Cause sooner or later it's over._

_I just don't want to miss you tonight._

Kurt turned away from Blaine, walking past each member of New Directions as he sang. He just wanted them to understand why he couldn't come to them. He didn't want his cutting to be the only part of him that they saw. Because Kurt was so much more than just another cutter. His self-injury was only a piece of him.

_And I don't want the world to see me._

' _Cause I don't think that they'd understand._

_When everything's made to be broken,_

_I just want you to know who I am._

_And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming,_

_Or the moment of truth in your lies._

_When everything feels like the movies,_

The entire group drew a breath and began to sing with him, almost moving Kurt to tears. He was holding it together by a thread and he knew that could break at any moment.

_Yeah you bleed just to know you're alive._

_And I don't want the world to see me,_

' _Cause I don't think that they'd understand._

_When everything's made to be broken,_

_I just want you to know who I am._

As the band played behind him, Kurt felt himself break once again. He dropped to his knees, burying his face in his hands. Blaine was by his side in a heartbeat, pulling him into his arms. Kurt cried into his shoulder, trying to put himself back together. When Kurt pulled away, Blaine helped him to his feet.

_And I don't want the world to see me,_

' _Cause I don't think that they'd understand._

_When everything's made to be broken,_

_I just want you to know who I am._

_And I don't want the world to see me,_

' _Cause I don't think that they'd understand._

_When everything's made to be broken,_

_I just want you to know who I am._

_I just want you to know who I am._

_I just want you to know who I am._

_I just want you to know who I am._

The group crowded around Kurt, taking turns hugging him after the song ended. Blaine took Kurt's hand again once he had embraced everyone in turn. Kurt turned to look at him, not knowing what he was going to say. Blaine looked around at the group before pulling Kurt out into the hall so they could have some privacy.

"You need to talk to your dad," Blaine said.

"I know. And I will. He's still at the shop but I'll go down there." Kurt sighed heavily.

"You should probably change first." Blaine nodded towards the bloodstains on the sleeve of Kurt's shirt.

Kurt followed his gaze down to his sleeves. He grimaced at the sight. Another shirt had been ruined. He lifted his eyes to meet Blaine's before he spoke, "I'm sorry."

"I know." Blaine leaned in to kiss him softly. "Go home and change and then talk to your dad. I'll call you later tonight, okay?"

"Okay." Kurt hugged him tightly before he left. He assumed Blaine would tell Will where he went, since he had left before Will could start rehearsal.

Kurt changed at his house quickly before he drove to his dad's shop. He was sitting near the car his dad had been working on when Burt entered the room.

"What do you want?" Burt asked when he saw him.

"Nothing. Is Finn the only son who is allowed to help out around here now?" Kurt asked.

"No, but you only volunteer to help when you want money or you need to talk about something. So which is it?"

"I made a list of the only musicals I am a shoo-in for the lead role," Kurt said, pulling out a piece of paper. He read the list to his dad.

"Dude, you're gay," Burt said simply.

_"Excuse me?"_

"You're gay. And you're not like Rock Hudson gay, you're really gay. You sing like Diana Ross and you dress like you own a magic chocolate factory."

Kurt couldn't believe what his dad was saying. He had expected him to support him, not make him feel worse. "Why are you being so mean to me?"

"What's wrong with any of that? It's who you are."

"I'm not saying I'm ashamed of who I am. But if I want to be an actor I have to pass as straight to get the great roles. It's not fair that I won't get a shot at them because I'm gay."

"Kurt, if they aren't writing movies or plays for someone like you then you have to write them yourself. Change your own history. Break the rules."

"I'm tired of being a unicorn."

"You know what they call a unicorn without a horn?" Burt asked. "A freaking horse."

Kurt smiled. Burt looked his son over carefully. Something else was bothering him, he could tell it. Then he noticed to cut on the palm of his hand.

"What happened?" Burt asked, lifting Kurt's hand up to examine it.

"It was an accident," Kurt answered too quickly.

"Was it _really?_ " Burt raised an eyebrow.

Kurt paused before he admitted, "No."

"We'll increase your therapy sessions, son. I wish you had come to me sooner." Burt clapped a hand on his shoulder. "You'll get through this, okay?"

"Thanks, Dad."

Kurt watched as his dad walked off. He didn't know if meeting his therapist more often would help or not, but he was willing to try it.

**K/B**

Kurt was putting up the posters Brittany had made when the girl appeared beside him. Kurt spun around to face her.

"Brittany, you were right! I need to celebrate who I am and I am a unicorn," Kurt told her.

Brittany hugged him. "I'm so proud of you."

"So, do you want to work on campaign ideas after school?" Kurt asked her.

"I'm sorry I can't. Santana and I are working on campaign posters," Brittany answered.

"But I already have them."

"No, for _my_ campaign. I decided to run too. I'm also a unicorn and I'm starting to believe in my own magic. I will see you at the debate, okay?" Brittany walked off.

Kurt was shocked. If Brittany was running, he was sure to lose the popularity vote. He would just have to find something to win everyone over. But Kurt didn't have time to worry about that just now. He knew Blaine was auditioning for Tony in a few minutes and he wanted to sneak in to watch him.

Blaine's audition had already begun when Kurt crept out onto the balcony in the auditorium. Kurt smiled as he watched his boyfriend perform. He really would make the perfect Tony and Kurt knew no matter what part he went out for he would get it. Artie, Coach Beiste, and Emma clapped loudly when the song ended.

"Wait a minute, Blaine." Artie called him back as he began to leave the stage. "You said on your audition form you're only interested in the role of Bernardo."

"Yes or Officer Krupke. Either one is fine."

Kurt could tell by his boyfriend's tone of voice that he really wanted to play Tony. He felt like a horrible boyfriend for not encouraging him to try out for the part.

"Would you mind reading for Tony?" Artie asked.

Blaine was surprised and didn't know how to answer. If he tried out and got the part, Kurt would be upset. But Blaine really wanted that role. Kurt didn't wait to hear Blaine's answer. He ran down the stairs, out into the hall, and straight into Rachel.

"Kurt, what's wrong?" she asked him.

"Nothing," Kurt answered. "Sorry for running into you."

"It's okay. Please, tell me what's wrong. Isn't Blaine auditioning now?" Rachel persisted.

Kurt sighed heavily. "He is. Artie wants him to audition for Tony and if he does I know he'll get the part. And now Brittany is running for president and she's going to win and I'll never get into NYADA with neither of those things on my application!"

"Kurt, calm down. That isn't true. You could _still_ win the presidency and you don't know that they will cast Blaine as Tony," Rachel said soothingly, taking his hand in hers. "But if those things do happen we'll figure something out."

"What're you two doing out here?" Blaine asked as he exited the auditorium, holding the door open for Artie.

"Nothing," Rachel answered immediately. "I was just telling Kurt about the surprise we have for him."

"I hope you didn't give anything away," Artie said as he began to wheel himself towards the choir room.

"She didn't," Kurt said, playing along. He let Rachel pull him down the hall after Artie.

No one would explain anything until they had reached the choir room. The entire glee club was standing in the front of the room when they got there. Rachel forced Kurt to sit down before she joined the rest of the group.

"We know you've been having a tough time lately, and we just want you to know that you're not alone. We're all in your corner. Just don't _ever_ give up," Rachel told him.

The entire group began to sing. Rachel took the lead, looking deep into Kurt's eyes as she sang.

_I'm so stubborn,_

_That's how I got here._

_So alone, feels like forever._

_I wanna swim away and breathe the open air._

_But I feel so afraid, then I hear you say._

Blaine stepped forward to sing the chorus with Rachel. Kurt knew he had scared Blaine when he had said he didn't want to get better. Blaine was terrified that Kurt would give up completely and take his own life. But Kurt would never do that.

_Hang on when the water is rising._

_Hang on when the waves are crashing._

_Hang on, just don't ever let go._

Rachel stepped back to let Blaine sing the second verse. Blaine's hands were shaking but he managed to keep his emotions in check.

_I'm so hungry, how can I stay here?_

_Starving for what I hold so dear._

_Like a hurricane it takes everything from me._

_Wake me from this dream._

This time Finn joined Blaine in singing lead for the chorus. The entire group continued to add their voices to the mix as the music swelled.

_Hang on when the water is rising._

_Hang on when the waves are crashing._

_Hang on, just don't ever let go._

_Hang on when you are barely breathing._

_Hang on while your heart's still beating._

_Hang on, just don't ever let go._

As Finn sang the bridge, Blaine pulled Kurt into the group. He danced with him as everyone continued to sing.

_Three days, thirty years,_

_So hopeless, doesn't matter._

_Don't say it's too late if you blink your eyes,_

_The sun is rising, the sun is rising, oh._

For the last chorus, no one sang the lead. Instead they sang as one as they continued to dance. Kurt looked into each of their eyes and saw how much they cared about him. The fact that they would put all of this together for him touched him.

_Hang on when the water is rising._

_Hang on when the waves are crashing._

_Hang on, just don't ever let go._

_Hang on when you're barely breathing._

_Hang on while your heart's still beating._

_Hang on, just don't ever let go._

As the song ended, Kurt finally let his tears fall. He said brokenly, "Thank you."

The entire group crowded around him in a massive group hug. Mercedes was the last one to pull away from him.

"Promise me that you _will not_ give up. No matter what, you keep fighting," Mercedes said.

"I will," Kurt promised. He turned to Blaine. "I didn't mean what I said earlier this week. I was upset and I didn't mean it. I do want to get better."

"And you will," Blaine answered. He kissed his cheek, pulling him into a tight hug. "I promise."

Kurt knew the future was still unsure. He didn't know if he would get the part in the musical or if he would win the presidency. But one thing was for sure. He still had his friends and he had Blaine. He wasn't alone. He had never been alone.


	19. Chapter 18:  Asian F

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Thank you to everyone who favorited, alerted, and reviewed this story. This chapter takes place during the "Asian F" episode.
> 
> A special thank you goes out to Earth Magician for suggesting the use of "Iridescent" by Linkin Park. If anyone else has any song suggestions I would love for you to send them to me for consideration!
> 
> Warning for this chapter: self-harm
> 
> Spoilers for: 3x03 – Asian F
> 
> Disclaimer: I do not own Glee. Any quotes that were in the show are only being borrowed. "Iridescent" is owned by Linkin Park. "Simon" is owned by Lifehouse. "I Won't Let Go" is owned by Rascal Flatts.

  


Chapter Eighteen: Asian F

"So far it's just me and Brittany running and there are only two days left for people to submit their names for the candidacy. And no one even takes Brittany seriously," Kurt said to Rachel as they walked down the halls handing out buttons with his face on them.

Kurt had to admit he had been worried when Brittany had first decided to run for senior class president, but now he wasn't even the slightest bit apprehensive about the campaign.

"That's great, Kurt," Rachel said.

"According to Jacob Ben Israel I'm up by eleven percent," Kurt said stopping outside of his locker.

"Really?"

"This could be a cakewalk." Kurt turned towards his locker and began to put the combination in.

"Nice blouse, Hummel," Santana said sarcastically as she approached them with Brittany.

Kurt dropped his hand from the combination lock and turned to face the pair.

"So, can I rely on your vote Rachel?" Brittany asked.

"I'm sorry I already pledge my allegiance to Kurt," Rachel answered, shaking her head.

"Did you know McKinley has only ever had male student council presidents?" Santana asked.

Kurt ignored Brittany as she blamed the economy and other national issues on school politics. This was bad. If Brittany was running her campaign as a feminist rally she could very well win.

"We're having a flash mob in the gym and we're all showing up to support her with girl power," Santana said.

"Boys have made one hell of a mess in this school and there's only one way to clean it up," Brittany said as she strode off down the hallway with Santana following her.

"Let's go scope out the competition," Rachel said. She pulled Kurt down the hall towards the gym, ignoring his protests. He really wanted to go find Blaine. Kurt could feel his anxiety growing and he knew if he didn't do something soon it would be overwhelming.

Rachel pulled him down into the bleachers in the gym. He watched in horror as Brittany sang with the Cheerios, biting his lip to hide his pain when Quinn, Tina, and Mercedes joined the group. He hadn't known who Quinn and Tina would be voting for but he had been counting Mercedes's vote. Now he saw that he had been foolishly mistaken.

Kurt ran out of the gymnasium, not stopping when he heard Rachel yelling his name.

"Kurt, wait! Stop, please! Kurt!" Rachel's voice followed him out into the hall. But Kurt didn't stop running until he reached the safety of the choir room. The room was deserted.

His anxiety had reached its breaking point and now it bubbled up and over. He collapsed against the nearest wall, sliding down it to the floor. He pulled his knees up to his chest and rocked back and forth, pulling at his hair as he cried. Rachel and Finn burst into the room. Rachel instantly crouched beside him.

"He's having an anxiety attack," Finn observed. "I'm going to get Blaine. Put his head over your heart so he can listen to it beating."

Rachel blushed but moved to cradle Kurt in her arms, his head over her left breast. She whispered to him soothingly but it didn't help. His breathing grew more ragged and Rachel was just about to go look for Blaine herself when he ran into the room, followed by Finn.

"It's okay, baby. I'm here. You're all right," Blaine said as he fell to his knees next to his boyfriend. He pulled Kurt into his lap, rubbing his hands up and down his back.

Rachel watched in amazement. Blaine knew exactly what to do to calm Kurt down. He pulled Kurt's messenger bag over and rifled through it until he pulled out a bottle of water and Kurt's anti-anxiety medication. Blaine opened the pill bottle and fished out a single pill. He put the small white pill to Kurt's lips, waiting for the boy to part them. When he did Blaine put the pill on his tongue and lifted the water bottle to his lips. As he put the cap back on the bottle he began to sing.

_You were standing in the wake of devastation._

_And you were waiting on the edge of the unknown._

_And with the cataclysm raining down,_

_Insides crying "Save me now."_

_You were there, impossibly alone._

Kurt continued to cry, drowning his sobs in Blaine's chest. Blaine tightened his arms around Kurt's small body, rocking him back and forth slowly. Kurt moved his hands to wrap in the fabric of Blaine's shirt, his knuckles quickly turning white as he gripped the material.

_Do you feel cold and lost in desperation?_

_You build up hope, but failure's all you've known._

_Remember all the sadness and frustration._

_And let it go. Let it go._

Blaine had taken one look at Finn in the hall and known something was wrong. The boy had barely gotten out the words Kurt, anxiety attack, and choir room before Blaine was barreling down the hall towards his boyfriend. He hadn't asked what had started it or any other questions. All of that could wait until later. Blaine's sole concern was calming Kurt down before he resorted to hurting himself.

_And in a burst of light that blinded every angel,_

_As if the sky had blown the heavens into stars._

_You felt the gravity of tempered grace,_

_Falling into empty space,_

_No one there to catch you in their arms._

Blaine had been relieved to see Rachel was sitting with Kurt, ensuring he couldn't do anything to harm himself. He had never been happier to see the girl than in that moment. Blaine knew how easy it was for Kurt to lose control when he had an anxiety attack. The risk of Kurt cutting too deeply was higher in moments like this.

_Do you feel cold and lost in desperation?_

_You build up hope, but failure's all you've known._

_Remember all the sadness and frustration._

_And let it go. Let it go._

Kurt's breathing was slowly returning to normal. His hands were still clutching at Blaine's shirt but his grip was beginning to loosen. Rachel and Finn noticed this and began to sing as well.

_Do you feel cold and lost in desperation?_

_You build up hope, but failure's all you've known._

_Remember all the sadness and frustration._

_And let it go. Let it go._

_Let it go._

_Let it go._

_Let it go._

Finn watched as Kurt slowly returned to himself. His stepbrother closed his eyes, letting go of Blaine's shirt. Kurt moved his hands up to the nape of Blaine's neck, drawing comfort from the feeling of skin on skin. Finn had pushed away his jealousy of Blaine when he saw his stepbrother on the verge of hyperventilating, but now Finn could feel the unwanted feeling return. He didn't want to be jealous of Blaine, but he couldn't help it. Not only could Blaine help Kurt where Finn couldn't, he also had the potential to take the co-captaincy of New Directions from him.

_Do you feel cold and lost in desperation?_

_You build up hope, but failure's all you've known._

_Remember all the sadness and frustration._

_And let it go. Let it go._

When the song ended, Kurt pushed away from Blaine slightly to look him in the eyes. Blaine wiped the tear tracks from Kurt's eyes, smiling at him.

"Hey," Blaine said softly.

"Hey," Kurt answered in a whisper.

"Are you okay, man?" Finn asked loudly.

Kurt flinched at the noise, moving deeper into Blaine's arms. Blaine held him close, glaring at Finn.

"Yes," Kurt said to Finn after a moment, without looking at him. He raised his eyes back to Blaine's. "I'm sorry."

"Hey, it's not your fault. There's nothing to apologize for." Blaine pressed a kiss to Kurt's forehead before he asked, "Do you want to tell me what happened?"

"Brittany had a flash mob in the gym. No one's going to vote for me. I'm going to lose. I'm never going to get into NYADA or any other school. I'm going to be stuck here for the rest of my life," Kurt said in one breath.

"Whoa, slow down." Blaine frowned. "That's not true and you know it."

"Even Mercedes is supporting her," Kurt ignored him.

"Well I will take that up with Mercedes later. For now, we all need to get to class. Are you okay to walk?" Blaine asked.

"I'm not an invalid, Blaine," Kurt snapped as he got to his feet. Realizing what he said, Kurt paled. "Oh my god, I'm _so_ sorry!"

"Hey, what did I say about apologizing?" Blaine asked with a smile.

Kurt blushed, opening his mouth to apologize again but Blaine stopped him with a kiss.

"Don't. You have absolutely nothing to be sorry for. Now, let's get to class." Blaine stood up, turning to Rachel and Finn. "Thank you for taking care of him."

"Of course," Rachel said with a smile.

Finn simply nodded in Blaine's direction, keeping a watchful eye on his stepbrother. Blaine frowned slightly, but chose to ignore the boy. He pulled Kurt out of the room and down the hall towards their next class.

**K/B**

Blaine had been a little worried when Kurt called saying he couldn't drive him to school and he would meet him there instead. So when Kurt met him on the stairs outside, Blaine was relieved. Kurt hurried up the stairs, keeping one arm behind his back.

"The cast list goes up on Friday. Are you nervous?" Kurt asked.

"A little," Blaine answered honestly. He wanted to play Tony so badly but not if it would affect his relationship with Kurt.

"I wouldn't be. My mole in the casting office says there's only one person they're seriously considering for the role of Tony. _And_ his name is Blaine Anderson," Kurt said with a smile.

Blaine blushed with a grin. Kurt moved his arm out from behind his back, revealing a bouquet of flowers which he offered to Blaine.

"Kurt, they're beautiful." Blaine buried his nose in the flowers and inhaled deeply. "What's the occasion?"

"You killed your audition, Blaine," Kurt said. "You deserve that part. If Tony went to anyone else, myself included, it would be a travesty. You deserve it, Blaine. The flowers are to celebrate _you_."

"You always zig when I think you're about to zag. I love that about you." Blaine took a step towards Kurt, his eyes falling to his lips. Kurt noticed and moved towards Blaine, who pointedly looked at all the people around them. Kissing would have to wait until later.

"You've done so much for me when you didn't have to," Kurt said suddenly.

"I wanted to because I love you."

"I know. And I'm not always an easy person to love."

"Actually it's hard not to love you. You're amazing, Kurt. You don't see yourself very clearly."

Kurt blushed, reaching to grasp Blaine's free hand. "Whatever happens, it won't change anything."

"Of course not. There is nothing in this world that could _ever_ change how I feel about you. I love you."

"I love you too."

**K/B**

Kurt was still reeling from the fact that Mercedes had left New Directions. He couldn't believe she had left. Of course, Kurt understood that she was tired of singing backup for Finn and Rachel but he couldn't believe that she wanted a solo so badly that she would leave glee club entirely. Kurt was worried that Mercedes leaving would cost them their friendship. Instead of leaving just New Directions, it felt like she was leaving _him_. And Kurt couldn't deal with that.

Kurt's mind was racing as he lay down to bed that night. When he finally did manage to fall asleep, he was plagued by nightmares. He woke screaming, chest heaving with each breath he took. Fear clutched him and anxiety was like a vice on his heart. Kurt threw back the covers and sprinted into his bathroom.

He opened his medicine cabinet, and with his blade in hand, sank to the ground. Memories from years of bullying mixed with the new memory of Mercedes turning her back on him as he pressed the blade down, slicing through the skin of his wrist. If he had listened carefully he would have heard his phone ringing with Blaine's ringtone, but he was crying too hard to hear anything other than his own sobs echoed in the bathroom.

The phone continued to ring from his nightstand as Kurt drew the razorblade across his skin. When the voicemail picked up, no message was left. Seconds later the phone began to ring again. Again, Kurt didn't hear it.

**K/B**

Blaine wasn't sure what had woken him, but he did know something bad had happened. He had the worst foreboding feeling. He couldn't explain it, but he knew something bad had happened. Something that had to do with Kurt.

Grabbing his phone from his nightstand, Blaine dialed Kurt's number. When Kurt didn't answer, he redialed the number frantically. When that call also went unanswered, Blaine flew down the stairs. He took his car keys from their hook by the door and disappeared into the night.

**K/B**

Kurt continued to cry as he cut himself. When he was finally completely saturated by the pain, Kurt let the razorblade fall to the ground. He pressed his bleeding arm against his chest, ignoring the blood that smeared across his chest. He rocked himself back and forth slowly. Kurt thought he heard footsteps coming up the stairs, but he must have been imagining things. He wished he wasn't. More than anything he wanted Blaine to hold him until he stopped crying. But then the footsteps were there again, coming closer to his room door.

**K/B**

Blaine used the spare key to let himself into the Hudmel house. He raced up the stairs and into Kurt's bedroom. His panic grew when he saw Kurt was not in his bed. That was when Blaine noticed the light was on in Kurt's bathroom. Steeling himself for the worst, Blaine walked through the open door.

Kurt was sitting on the floor with his back against the wall, curled in on himself. Blaine fell to his knees, pulling Kurt into his arms.

"Blaine?" Kurt sobbed.

"I'm here, baby. I'm right here. I'm not going anywhere," Blaine promised as he rubbed Kurt's back soothingly. Kurt flung himself into Blaine's lap, sobbing against his chest. "Did you have a nightmare?"

Kurt nodded. Blaine didn't ask any more questions. He extended Kurt's arm to see the damage he had done to himself. Blaine counted fifteen lacerations that covered Kurt's left forearm. Thankfully, none were too deep. The sight still shook Blaine to his core, coupled with the fact that Kurt had inflicted them upon himself. Blaine's heart broke, hating to think how much emotional pain his boyfriend had been in to do this to himself.

Kurt's tears continued to fall, hot against the skin of Blaine's bare chest. Blaine ducked his head and pressed a kiss to Kurt's hair. Drawing in a deep breath, he began to sing softly.

_Catch your breath,_

_Hit the wall._

_Scream out loud,_

_As you start to crawl_

_Back in your cage._

_The only place,_

_Where they will,_

_Leave you alone._

Kurt listened to Blaine's heart beat as he sang. The music combined with the steady beat of his love's heart was soothing. Kurt still continued to cry, but he could feel the panic leave his body as Blaine held him in his arms.

' _Cause the weak will_

_Seek the weak 'til they've broken them._

_Could you get it back again?_

_Would it be the same?_

_Fulfillment to their lack of strength at your expense,_

_Left you with no defense;_

_They tore it down._

_And I have felt the same as you._

_I've felt the same as you._

_I've felt the same._

Blaine knew Kurt still had nightmares from the bullying. The fact that the dreams were worse than what had actually happened worried Blaine. He hated seeing Kurt in pain, but he was powerless to keep the dreams at bay.

_Locked inside_

_The only place_

_Where you feel sheltered,_

_Where you feel safe._

_You lost yourself_

_In your search to find_

_Something else to hide behind._

Blaine didn't know how he knew something was wrong with Kurt, but he always acted on his intuition and this time was no different. He had panicked when Kurt didn't answer his calls, knowing that something had to be badly wrong for Kurt to ignore his phone. Images of Kurt unconscious in a pool of blood had haunted him as he drove to his boyfriend's house. And when he had seen the bathroom light on, he had been convinced his fears were a reality. He had never been happier to be wrong.

' _Cause the fearful always preyed upon your confidence._

_Did they see the consequence,_

_When they pushed you around?_

_The arrogant build kingdoms made of the different ones,_

_Breaking them 'til they've become just another crown._

_And I have felt the same as you._

_I've felt the same as you._

_I've felt the same as you._

_I've felt the same._

Kurt slowly calmed down as he listened to Blaine sing. The cuts had helped, but Blaine's presence was what really brought him back to himself. His wounds continued to sting but Kurt didn't move from Blaine's lap to clean them.

_Refuse to feel anything at all,_

_Refuse to slip,_

_Refuse to fall._

_You can't be weak._

_You can't stand still._

_You watch your back 'cause no one will._

Kurt's body relaxed against Blaine's as he finally stopped crying. He didn't know how Blaine had known something was wrong, but he was glad he did. Kurt pressed his nose against Blaine's chest, breathing in deeply.

_You don't know why they had to go this far._

_Traded your worth for these scars,_

_For your only company._

_And don't believe the lies,_

_That they have told to you._

_Not one word was true._

_You're alright._

_You're alright._

_You're alright._

_And I have felt the same as you._

_I've felt the same as you._

_I've felt the same as you._

_I've felt the same._

_As you, I've felt the same._

As Blaine finished singing, Kurt pressed a kiss to his collarbone. He lifted his head to finally meet Blaine's eyes. Hazel met blue-green and Blaine smiled.

"How did you know?" Kurt asked.

"I woke up with a bad feeling. And when you didn't answer your phone I had to make sure you were all right," Blaine told him. He lifted Kurt off of his lap, getting to his feet. He helped Kurt up before grabbing medical supplies from under Kurt's sink.

Blaine washed Kurt's cuts with hydrogen peroxide before he covered them with gauze and medical tape. Then he wet a hand towel and wiped the blood from Kurt's bare chest. When he was done, he let Kurt pull him out of the bathroom. They fell into bed, Blaine moving to hold Kurt from behind.

"Thank you . . . for everything," Kurt whispered in the dark.

"Don't thank me. I would do it again," Blaine answered.

They both wondered if he would have to again. Unable to take the awkward silence that followed, Kurt burrowed his head into his pillow.

"I love you."

Blaine pressed a kiss to the back of Kurt's head before he replied, "I love you too. Forever."

"Always."

**K/B**

"Are you nervous about Rachel Berry joining the campaign?" Coach Beiste asked Kurt as they walked down the hall together.

"What do you mean?" Kurt asked, raising an eyebrow in confusion.

"Oh, didn't you hear? Rachel is campaigning to be the senior class president too," Coach Beiste said nonchalantly.

Kurt stopped in his tracks. "I have to go."

He raced down the hall towards Rachel's locker. The girl was busy switching out textbooks for her next class. Kurt stormed over to her.

"We need to talk," he said.

"About the deadline for NYADA applications?" Rachel asked, though she clearly knew what he wanted to talk about.

"Why did Coach Beiste just tell me you were joining the presidential race?" Kurt asked.

"Because I am," Rachel answered slowly. "Look, Kurt. I'm not going to get the part in _West Side Story_. Mercedes is too good. I thought if I won the presidential race I could make you my vice and you could do the same."

"Yes, Rachel, if you win that would look great on your NYADA application. But if I win I could actually make a _difference_ at this school. Not just for me, but for kids _like_ me. Things could actually change for them." Kurt pressed his left wrist against his side, needing to feel the pain. "So whatever it takes, I'm winning."

"Look, I need something that's going to make me special, that will make me stand out to the Dean of Admissions. I wanted that to be Maria but now that it's not going to be I need something else. You understand, don't you? You're just as ambitious as I am. That's why we're friends," Rachel said quickly.

Kurt had never wanted to slap the girl more. "Rachel, when you look back on this time in ten years, you won't be thinking about the clubs you belonged to or the parts you had. You'll be thinking about the friends you had and the ones you just tossed aside."

Before Rachel could say another word, Kurt ran off down the hall, tears burning his eyes.

**K/B**

Finn had football practice after school, so Kurt didn't have a chance to talk to him until after dinner that night. Kurt didn't want to broach the subject of the presidency with their parents around. So after dinner, Kurt helped Carole clean the kitchen before he went to Finn's room. He knocked, waiting until Finn yelled "It's open!" to enter. Finn was playing Call of Duty on his Xbox.

"Who are you voting for?" Kurt asked the second he entered the room.

"I don't know yet." Finn didn't look up from his video game as he answered his stepbrother.

"Did you even try to stop her?" Kurt couldn't stop himself from asking. He had to know the answer.

"Can anyone stop Rachel from doing anything?" Finn answered with a question.

" _Dammit_ , Finn! Talk to me!" Kurt exclaimed.

"I _am_ talking to you, Kurt," Finn said as he continued to play the video game.

Kurt stormed over to Finn's Xbox and unplugged it. He held the cord up in one hand, his best bitch glare fixed on his face.

" _Dude_ , what're you doing?" Finn yelled, throwing the controller aside as he stood up.

"Did you know she was going to do this? Did you know Rachel was entering the race?" Kurt asked.

"Not until today," Finn told him truthfully.

"Why didn't you stop her? You _know_ how badly I need this! I could seriously change things at McKinley if I won!"

"If I tried to stop her she would've gotten mad at me."

"That's all you care about, isn't it? What happens to you and Rachel? We're supposed to be a _family_ , Finn!"

"We _are_ a family!"

"No, we're not! Family doesn't do this to each other!" Kurt screamed.

"What's going on in here?" Burt burst into the room after hearing the two boys yell at each other.

"I'm going to Blaine's," Kurt announced, turning away from Finn as he strode out the door.

"It's a school night," Burt reminded him as he followed Kurt down the stairs.

"I don't care. I need him right now. Just please don't try to stop me." Kurt walked out of the house without another word.

Kurt cried the short drive to Blaine's house. He pulled into Blaine's driveway and cut the engine, hurrying to Blaine's front door. He rang the bell and waited. He didn't have to wait long. Within seconds the door swung open to reveal Blaine, fresh out of the shower. He was dressed in his pajamas and drying his hair with a towel.

"Hey," Blaine said brightly. He frowned as he took in Kurt's red eyes and tear-stained cheeks. "What's wrong?"

Kurt flung himself into Blaine's arms. Blaine dropped the towel, holding Kurt close. He walked them backwards so he could shut the door. Then he helped Kurt into the living room. Blaine sat down and Kurt crawled into his lap, burying his face in the crook of Blaine's shoulder.

"Don't leave me. Please, don't leave me!" Kurt sobbed.

"Oh, baby. I'm not going anywhere. I promise." Blaine pressed a kiss into Kurt's hair before he began to sing, rocking him back and forth slowly.

_It's like a storm,_

_That cuts a path._

_It breaks your will._

_It feels like that._

_You think you're lost._

_But you're not lost on your own._

_You're not alone._

Blaine wished Kurt would just drop out of the presidential race. He knew he would never be able to convince his boyfriend to do so, but he wished he could. Clearly, the stress was getting to Kurt. But he was too stubborn and wouldn't give up the campaign.

_I will stand by you._

_I will help you through,_

_When you've done all you can do,_

_And you can't cope._

_I will dry your eyes._

_I will fight your fight._

_I will hold you tight._

_And I won't let go._

No matter how bad things got, Blaine would stay by Kurt's side. He was determined to help him through this, even if Kurt tried to push him away. Each time Kurt cut and didn't tell him, Blaine felt like Kurt was trying to distance himself from him. It hurt, but Blaine didn't let it get in between them. He knew they would find a way through all of this. Together.

_It hurts my heart_

_To see you cry._

_I know it's dark_

_This part of life._

_Oh it finds us all._

_And we're too small_

_To stop the rain_

_Oh but when it rains._

Blaine hated seeing Kurt hurting. It hurt him knowing that his boyfriend was in so much pain. He wanted nothing more than to take the pain for him. He wanted to fix everything. But he knew it was impossible. All he could do was be there when Kurt broke down.

_I will stand by you._

_I will help you through,_

_When you've done all you can do,_

_And you can't cope._

_I will dry your eyes._

_I will fight your fight._

_I will hold you tight._

_And I won't let you fall._

_Don't be afraid to fall._

_I'm right here to catch you._

_I won't let you down._

_It won't get you down._

_You're gonna make it._

_Yeah I know you can make it._

Blaine felt Kurt relax against him. His tears had finally stopped falling. Blaine had been surprised when Kurt had appeared on his doorstep, but had not hesitated before he pulled him into the house. Whatever Kurt need, whenever he needed it, Blaine would help him.

' _Cause I will stand by you._

_I will help you through_

_When you've done all you can do_

_And you can't cope._

_And I will dry your eyes._

_I will fight your fight._

_I will hold you tight._

_And I won't let go._

_Oh I'm gonna hold you._

_And I won't let go._

_Won't let you go._

_No I won't._

Kurt pushed away from Blaine. He wiped his tears, sniffling. "I'm sorry. You're all clean and I'm disgusting."

"You are _not_ disgusting. You never could be." Blaine reached over to the end table and offered Kurt a tissue.

Kurt took it from him gratefully, blowing his nose. He stood up, wandering into the kitchen to throw away the tissue. Blaine followed him.

"My parents aren't home. You can stay here tonight," Blaine offered.

"I don't have anything here. I left it all at home except for my wallet and my keys." Kurt turned to face him after disposing of the tissue.

"It's okay. I have a spare toothbrush and you can borrow some of my pajamas," Blaine said as he stepped towards him. He took Kurt's hands in his, bringing them to his lips.

"I haven't showered yet. And what about a change of clothes for tomorrow?" Kurt persisted, though Blaine could tell his resolve was wavering.

"You can shower here and we can go back to your house before school tomorrow." Blaine brushed his lips against Kurt's. "Please stay."

"All right," Kurt relented.

Blaine smiled widely. "You can use my bathroom. I'll wait in my room while you shower."

"Are you sure about this? I don't want to impose." Kurt watched as Blaine pulled a pair of pajamas out of his dresser. Despite his words, he took the clothes when Blaine handed them out towards him.

"You could _never_ impose. I love you, which means I'm always happy when you're around."

"I'm sure that's not true."

"It is," Blaine assured him. "Now go shower so we can cuddle before bedtime."

Kurt laughed. He pressed a kiss to Blaine's lips before disappearing into Blaine's bathroom, shutting the door behind him. He didn't know what he had done to deserve Blaine but he knew he would never give him up.

**K/B**

"Whatever it says, this changes nothing," Blaine told him as they walked down the hall.

The casting list had finally been posted and Kurt had insisted they go together to see what it said. Kurt's hand tightened on Blaine's for a second as they reached the bulletin board. Blaine looked at the paper in shock. He had gotten the part. He was Tony. Blaine threw himself at Kurt, wrapping him in a tight embrace.

"Wait, are you okay with this? Because if you aren't I'll go tell Artie I can't do it and they have to find someone else," Blaine said in a rush as he pulled away from Kurt.

"I'm more than okay with it, Blaine. You _deserve_ this," Kurt assured him.

"Are you positive?" Blaine persisted.

"One hundred percent." Kurt looked around. Confident that no one was paying them the least bit of attention, he pressed a quick kiss to Blaine's cheek. "Congratulations, honey."

"I love you _so_ much."

"Forever?" Kurt asked with a smile, already knowing the answer.

"Always. Forever and for always."


	20. Chapter 19:  Pot O' Gold

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I know it's not Monday, at least it isn't for me yet. But I'm going to be busy tomorrow and I want to make sure I have time to post so I'm putting this up now. Thank you to everyone who reviewed, favorited, or alerted this story! This chapter takes place during the "Pot O' Gold" episode. I hope you enjoy!
> 
> Warning for this chapter: self-harm
> 
> Spoilers for this chapter: 3x04 – Pot O' Gold
> 
> Disclaimer: I do not own Glee. "To Write Love on Her Arms" is owned by Helio. "Black and Blue" is owned by Counting Crows.

  


Chapter Nineteen: Pot O' Gold

Kurt agreed with Tina. It felt weird in the choir room without Mercedes. With everything that was going on, he was waiting for the next catastrophe to happen.

"Sorry I'm late, I was putting up posters for my-" Rachel paused when she saw Kurt in the room, "for my campaign."

He couldn't help himself. He was still hurt that she was running against him and the best way he knew to combat hurt was with sarcasm. "Did you airbrush out your _jowls?"_

" _No_ ," Rachel said as she shot him a look.

"Look, this has _got_ to stop," Finn said, standing in front of the room. "Okay so we lost one of our best singers and they canceled the musical."

"They canceled the musical? They _can't_ cancel my musical!" Rachel exclaimed with disbelief.

Kurt longed to slap the girl. She just couldn't help but make everything about herself. He was grateful when Finn drew the attention away from Rachel and back to himself.

"We can't start fighting each other," Finn said.

"I agree," Blaine commented. "I only have my experience with the Warblers to speak of, but show choir is not about one person. It's about the entire team. When we lost a Warbler we just replaced him with another one."

"Which is easy when your waiting list has a waiting list," Finn remarked coldly. "I know the Warblers are a big deal at Dalton, but here we're at the bottom of the food chain. So, have a seat. I'm trying to give a pep talk."

Kurt started to get to his feet but Blaine stopped him.

"I thought you just said we shouldn't turn on one another?" Blaine asked calmly.

Kurt was amazed when instead of arguing, Finn sat back down next to Rachel.

"They can't take away my musical!" Rachel repeated.

"They might not have to. Not if we can raise enough money to cover the funding," Will announced. "We can sell ads in the programs."

"I think it's a brilliant idea," Kurt announced when none of the other glee members showed enthusiasm. "I volunteer myself to spearhead the charge. It gives me a great opportunity to bust out my Banana Republic Mad Man collection."

Blaine smiled fondly at him, squeezing his hand. Will gave them their orders to sell as many ads as they could before the club departed.

"Wait a second." Blaine held Kurt back.

Kurt turned to look at him expectantly.

"What's wrong with Finn?" Blaine asked casually.

"I don't know but he's really getting on my nerves. I have enough to worry about without him adding to it with whatever rift he has with you." Kurt sighed unhappily.

"Hey, look, don't worry. I'm sorry I brought it up. Don't let Finn stress you out anymore than you already are," Blaine told him.

"I'm trying not to but it's hard when he's fighting with you and taking Rachel's side on everything," Kurt said.

"I hate seeing you like this. I _hate_ that you're so upset all the time. I hate knowing that someone caused you to feel this way and I can't do anything about it. You should _never_ have to feel this way. You should feel love, constantly." Blaine lowered his eyes.

"Hey, I'm not upset all the time." Kurt lifted Blaine's chin with one hand. "I'm happy and loved when I'm with you."

"I just worry about you. I don't want you to lose hope and relapse," Blaine said with sad eyes.

"You know I can't promise that I won't relapse. Not yet. I still have so far to go in my recovery and I don't know how long it will take," Kurt said honestly.

"I know. I'm sorry." Blaine blinked past his tears, willing them not to fall. Unfortunately, Kurt knew all of his tricks.

"Hey, don't cry. Do you want to sing about it?" Kurt asked, knowing that always helped his boyfriend.

Blaine nodded, walking over the piano. He sat down and began to play.

_Well she won't leave this night alone._

_And she won't sleep at all._

_And all the sorrow that she takes out on herself,_

_It comes around and leaves her bleeding on the floor._

_And she knows,_

_Yeah she knows_

Recognizing the song, Kurt began to sing. He harmonized his voice with Blaine's as he walked slowly towards the piano. He knew that Blaine was worried about him and he wished he wouldn't. But he knew he couldn't make Blaine stop worrying about him anymore than he could stop loving Blaine.

_That there's a lot of ugly things about this world._

_These street lights,_

_They shine bright,_

_And they illuminate the darkness of the pavement._

_They shine,_

_As we try to write it on her arms,_

_The love she longs to taste._

_And we'll find that inside,_

_That she's a broken heart that anyone can save._

_It's alright, it's alright, it's alright._

Sliding next to Blaine on the piano bench, Kurt let his voice trail off. He watched Blaine's fingers float over the keys. Moments like this were almost perfect. It was just him and Blaine, singing to each other. But the cloud of his self-harm was there, like always. Kurt wished he could make it disappear but he knew he couldn't. The bullying had left him a broken shell of himself and now Blaine was left trying to piece the puzzle back together.

_Feeling worthless, self-destruction,_

_Try to take control of this._

_Find a purpose, reconstruction,_

_Write it somewhere it will stick._

_And stars are hiding now,_

_But there's something out there still._

_And she knows,_

_Yeah she knows_

Pushing away the memories, Kurt began to sing again. He knew he shouldn't push away the painful thoughts. By doing so, he never dealt with them. But the memories were still too painful to endure and Kurt preferred to not deal with them at all. He had spent so many years feeling unloved that he had started to cut himself. Now that he knew he was loved, the memories stuck with him.

_That there's an awful lot of beauty in this world._

_These street lights,_

_They shine bright,_

_And they illuminate the darkness of the pavement._

_They shine,_

_As we try to write it on her arms,_

_The love she longs to taste._

_And we'll find that inside,_

_That she's a broken heart that anyone can save._

_It's alright, it's alright._

Blaine turned to look at Kurt, willing him to see all the love that he felt for him. Kurt's voice got stuck in his throat as he saw the passion in Blaine's eyes. He bit his lip, willing himself not to cry as he listened to Blaine sing.

_It's alright, it's alright._

_And the stars are always there,_

_But we miss them in the dirt and in the clouds._

_We miss them in the storms._

Kurt knew Blaine was afraid that he would give up all hope of recovery. He wished he could reassure Blaine that he wouldn't but it was still too early in the game for that. But he could promise to always remember what it felt like to have hope. And maybe that would help keep it alive.

_Remember hope._

_Remember hope._

_Hold onto hope._

_We have hope._

_Hold onto hope._

_(It's alright, it's alright, it's alright, it's alright.)_

_We have hope._

_(It's alright, it's alright, it's alright, it's alright.)_

Kurt pulled Blaine's hand away from the piano keys as the song ended. He placed their joined hands on his lap, rubbing his thumb over the back of Blaine's hand.

"I can't promise that I won't relapse. But I _can_ promise that you will _never_ lose me," Kurt said softly. "I love you. You're my everything."

"I love you too," Blaine said tearfully as he lifted his eyes to meet Kurt's. "More than anything."

Kurt smiled, leaning forward to place a chaste kiss on Blaine's lips. Their lives weren't perfect, they were far from it. But with Blaine's help Kurt was beginning to accept that they didn't have to be perfect. They just had to be theirs.

**K/B**

"Hey, Dad," Kurt called when he caught sight of his father at the garage. He hurried over to him, holding out a program for his father to see. "I wanted to show you the program for McKinley's production of _West Side Story._ "

"That sounds great, kiddo. Is there some reason you're showing it to me now?" Burt asked as he rolled a tire over to a nearby SVU.

"I was hoping you'd buy some ad space to help save the show," Kurt admitted.

"Save the show?" Burt asked turning around. "Why do you have to save it?"

"We lost the funding. If we sell enough ad space we can cover the costs. I already spoke to the Lima Mortuary Society about buying a couple. The problem is we need a few hundred," Kurt said with a frown.

"You're really worried about this, aren't you?" Burt asked.

Knowing it was pointless to lie, Kurt nodded.

"Don't worry, Kurt. I'll take care of it," Burt said reassuringly, laying a hand on his son's shoulder.

"How?" Kurt asked.

"Let me worry about that."

Kurt watched his dad disappear into the office. He couldn't help but wonder what his dad had up his sleeve. If anyone could save the show, it would be Burt.

**K/B**

Singing "Last Friday Night" with New Directions had been fun and a welcome relief from the stressful week they were enduring. But Kurt noticed the look on Finn's face when Blaine had announced he had prepared something, though, and he was less than impressed.

Blaine didn't broach the subject, not wanting to stir the pot when Santana had already stalked out of the room angrily. So Kurt waited until they were walking towards his Navigator to bring it up.

"I noticed Finn is still acting weird around you," Kurt commented.

"Don't, Kurt. I'm not worrying about it," Blaine said, opening the passenger door and sliding into the seat.

"I'm not worrying about it, per se," Kurt said as he climbed into the driver's seat. "I just wish I knew what his problem was."

"I admit I do too. But I don't want to cause anymore drama within the club. There's enough of that going around already," Blaine said.

"Maybe I should just talk to Finn," Kurt ignored him.

"No, don't! That would just make everything worse. Just leave it alone for now and if it gets worse I'll talk to him myself," Blaine told him.

"Are you sure?"

"Positive."

Kurt pulled into Blaine's driveway, leaning across the armrest to kiss him. When they broke apart, Blaine was smiling.

"I love you so much. That's all that matters."

"I love you too." Kurt leaned in to kiss him again.

"Forever?" Blaine asked as they parted.

"Always."

Blaine opened the door and grabbed his bag, watching Kurt leave before he turned towards his house. He hoped there wouldn't have to be any confrontation between himself and Finn. He wasn't sure that Kurt could take the conflict so close to home.

When Kurt got home, Burt was waiting for him. He dropped his bag in his room before returning to the living room.

"Why are you home so early?" Kurt asked in surprise.

"I wanted to talk to you. Sit down," Burt said, motioning towards the couch.

"Is everything okay?" Kurt asked instantly.

"Everything's fine. I just wanted to tell you that I've decided to run against Sue for Congress," Burt told him.

"What? Why?" Kurt furrowed his eyebrows in confusion.

"Because she's trying to destroy the arts in public schools and I'm not about to let that happen. That glee club saved your life, Kurt. Who knows how many kids like you there are out there? I can't let her get away with this," Burt said seriously.

"And your solution is to run against her?" Kurt asked skeptically.

"Look, we don't even know if I'll win so promise me you won't worry about this," Burt said.

"Oh, you will win. With me as your campaign manager, how could you not?" Kurt said with a smile.

"So you're okay with this?" Burt asked.

"I'm more than okay with it, Dad. Someone needs to stop Sue, and you're just the man to do it." Kurt hugged his father before hurrying up the stairs to his bedroom.

He hated lying to his father but he couldn't tell him the truth. This was a horrible idea. His father was under enough stress already and this would just add to it. A horrible thought struck him. What if he had another heart attack? Anxiety washed over him as Kurt struggled for each breath. He hurried into his bathroom, retrieving his razorblade from its hiding place.

Kurt couldn't lose his father. He had already lost his mother. What would he do if something happened to him? Kurt pulled his shirt over his head, placing the sharp edge of the blade against his stomach. He pushed in slowly, dragging the metal across his skin. He repeated the action until his anxiety lessened. Kurt let the blade drop into the sink, reaching for his phone. He dialed Blaine's number.

"I need you," he said when he answered.

"Did you already. . . ." Blaine let his voice trail off, unable to voice his fears.

"I'm sorry," was Kurt's only answer.

"I'll be right there."

Kurt was sitting on the floor of his bathroom when Blaine walked into the room. He was holding a piece of gauze to his stomach with one hand. Blaine sat down next to him.

"Blaine," Kurt breathed, scrambling onto his lap. A fresh wave of tears hit him; he hated himself for giving in.

"You're okay," Blaine told him. "I'm here."

Kurt continued to cry softly. When his tears finally ceased, Blaine maneuvered him so he could pull the gauze away from his wound. He drew in a sharp breath when he saw four parallel cuts on Kurt's stomach.

"Let's get you cleaned up," Blaine said as he stood up, helping Kurt to his feet. He washed the dried blood away with hydrogen peroxide before covering the cuts with gauze and medical tape. When he was done, Blaine pulled Kurt into his bedroom. Kurt lay down on the bed, reaching for Blaine. Blaine lay down beside him, smiling softly when Kurt rested his head on his chest. He ran a hand through his hair as he began to sing.

_Fading everything to black and blue,_

_You look a lot like you_

_Shatter in the blink of an eye._

_You keep sailing right on through._

_Every time you say you're learning_

_You just look a lot like me,_

_Pale under the blistering sky._

_White and red._

_Black and blue._

Kurt listened to Blaine's steady heartbeat while he sang. He let the music wash over him. He knew he shouldn't have cut, but he was so worried about his dad that he hadn't known what else to do. The anxiety had been overwhelming. So he had given in.

_You've been waiting a long time._

_You've been waiting a long time_

_To fall down on your knees._

_Cut your hands._

_Cut yourself until you bleed._

_Fall asleep next to me._

_Wait for everyone to go away._

_And in a dimly lit_

_Room where you've got nothing to hide._

_Say your goodbyes._

_Tell yourself we'll read_

_A note that says,_

" _I'm sorry everyone._

_I'm tired of feeling nothing, goodbye."_

_Wash your face._

_Dry your eyes._

Blaine could feel Kurt slowly relaxing against him. His voice helped soothe Kurt into sleep. He wished he could be here every night to sing to him and keep the nightmares at bay. Even though that wasn't possible, he could be there whenever Kurt needed him. And he always would be.

' _Cause you've been waiting a long time._

_You've been waiting a long long time_

_To fall down on your knees._

_Cut your hands._

_Cut yourself until you bleed._

_But fall asleep next to me._

_Have a dream I'm falling down_

_On my face._

_Scrape my knees._

_Scrape my hands until they bleed._

' _Cause you're fast asleep next to me._

_Next to me._

_Next to me._

_Next to me._

Blaine watched Kurt sleep for a few hours. He wasn't tired but was more than happy to lay with Kurt while he slept peacefully. It seemed like it was harder and harder for Kurt to find peace anywhere these days, whether in consciousness or his subconscious. He wanted to help him, he just wasn't sure how.

**K/B**

Sitting at dinner with his family, Kurt knew he couldn't keep pretending like nothing was bothering him. He had to tell his dad how he really felt about him joining the political campaign. He listened to Finn question his dad about the campaign. They were sitting here talking about the possibility of moving to Washington D.C. while Kurt went off to college in New York and Finn either worked at the garage or got a football scholarship. They acted like nothing was wrong, but everything was.

"You're pretty quiet over there," Burt addressed his son.

"I want you to do this, Dad. But what about the stress? You almost died. You were in the hospital. Sue is going to make your life hell," Kurt said honestly.

"I know she will," Burt said with a smile. He liked the idea of challenging Sue more than he should have.

"She's going to have a field day with the whole having-a-gay-son thing," Kurt continued.

"I'm proud of you, Kurt," Burt interrupted him. "And I don't care who knows it. Yes, I almost died but it made me realize what really matters. And this is what matters. When things are the dumps like this you've got to stand up and fight, right? You understand. You _taught_ me that."

Before Kurt could reply, Sue disrupted them with a huge hamburger. He hated her for what she was doing, but he agreed that special education classes were needed at McKinley. He just didn't want the arts to be cut because of it. His dad was right, glee club had saved his life. They had to do everything they could to save it, or other kids like him would never get the help they so desperately needed.

Kurt hated to think what would have happened if he had never joined the glee club. He knew he would definitely not be the same person he was today. And while he did not always like himself, he was slowly accepting himself. There were things he could change and things he couldn't. All he could do was know the difference and accept it.


	21. Chapter 20:  The First Time

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Thank you to everyone who reviewed, favorited, or alerted this story! This chapter takes place during "The First Time" episode. I hope you enjoy!
> 
> Also, the week of June 11th I will not be updating. My dad is having surgery that week and my brother is having surgery the week before. I'm not going to push myself by trying to update. I'm sorry for the wait but I will be updating the week after that.
> 
> Warnings for this chapter: self-harm, sexual situations
> 
> Spoilers for this chapter: 3x05 – The First Time
> 
> Disclaimer: I do not own Glee. "Never to Know" is owned by Lene Marlin. "Your Song" is owned by Elton John.

  


Chapter Twenty: The First Time

Singing "Tonight" with Rachel wasn't hard. It was easy for Blaine to find the right amount of conviction to put into the song. The song came to a close and Blaine noticed Coach Beiste was crying again.

"Are you going to cry every time we sing?" Blaine asked not unkindly.

"I'm such a girl," Coach Beiste answered with a sniffle.

"My only note is more teeth," Emma provided.

"I have to be honest," Artie said. "This entire musical is about sexual awakening. You both lack passion. Have either of you _actually_ had sex?"

"I have to go," Emma said suddenly. She collected her things and almost ran out of the room, with Coach Beiste following closely behind her.

"Look, I remember my first time," Artie said. "What was it like for you guys?"

Blaine waited for Rachel to speak first, but she was stumbling over her words. He decided to be honest because he definitely wasn't ashamed of his lack of experience.

"I'm waiting for the right time," Blaine said. He wondered if Artie had been expecting him to say 'waiting for the right person' but the truth was that he wasn't. He knew he had found the right person: Kurt.

"Me too," Rachel admitted before adding in a whisper to Blaine, "I'm so glad you're my Tony."

"As your friend, I support your strange aversion to fun. _However_ as your director I'm concerned," Artie said with a shrug of his shoulders.

"Why?" Rachel asked.

"How are you supposed to convey the human experience to an audience when neither of you have opened yourself up to one of humanity's most basic and primal ones?" Artie asked.

Blaine could see why Artie would be concerned, but he didn't think it was his business what he and Kurt did or didn't do. The truth was Blaine was more than ready to take that step with Kurt. He just wasn't sure Kurt was. He didn't want to bring it up and make Kurt feel like he was pressuring him. So instead he had decided to keep the topic under wraps until Kurt brought it up himself. Until then, Blaine would keep things as innocent as possible.

The conversation with Artie was still fresh on Blaine's mind as he danced around his bedroom that afternoon. Kurt was lying on his stomach watching him, having just finished his French homework. He was surprised when Kurt spoke suddenly.

"Do you think I'm boring?" Kurt asked, his voice laced with worry.

"Are you kidding? I don't think anyone could ever call _you_ boring, babe," Blaine answered as he continued to dance.

"I mean sexually," Kurt told him as he sat up. "We are playing it very safe by not granting our hands Visas to travel south of the equator."

"Yes, but isn't that what we agreed on?" Blaine asked. Had he been mistaken about Kurt's feelings towards sex this entire time?

"It is," Kurt answered. He shrugged his shoulders with a sigh. "But haven't you had the urge to rip off each other's clothes and get dirty?"

"Uh _yeah_ , but that's why they invented masturbation," Blaine said without shame. If Kurt was finally comfortable enough to talk about this, he wasn't going to hold anything back. They had to be completely honest with one another.

"It's so hot in here. Can we open up a window?" Kurt asked, pulling his sweater away from his chest.

"Hey, I'm serious. We're young. We're in high school. Yes, we have urges but whatever we do, I want to make sure that _you're_ comfortable. So _I_ can be comfortable. Besides, tearing off all of your clothes is _kind_ _of_ a tall order," Blaine said with a sly smile.

"Because of the layers?" Kurt asked.

"Because of the layers," Blaine answered. He placed a hand on either side of Kurt's head and pulled him forwards until their lips brushed together.

They spent the rest of the evening that way, sharing kisses that radiated with love. When Kurt left for the evening, he knew his cheeks were flushed and his lips swollen. On the drive home, he thought of their earlier conversation. What if Blaine was only saying he wanted to wait because he didn't want to see Kurt naked? His body was covered in self-inflicted scars; it could hardly be considered attractive. His anxiety level was peaking by the time he reached the safety of his bedroom. He was pacing outside of his bathroom when his phone rang.

"Blaine," he answered, sighing in relief. Now he would have no choice but to stay strong.

"Is everything okay?" Blaine asked. "You didn't call me when you got home like you normally do."

"I'm sorry. I got distracted," Kurt lied.

"What's going on?" Blaine asked. He could tell something was not right with his boyfriend.

"I just . . . did you mean what you said earlier?" Kurt asked.

"What? Of course I did," Blaine answered in surprise. "Why? What brought this up?"

"So you're not rejecting me because of my scars?" Kurt asked tentatively.

"What, baby, _no_. First off, I am _not_ rejecting you. One day, we will make love and it will _amazing_ , but not until we're both ready. Your scars have absolutely nothing to do with that. You're beautiful, Kurt, scars and all. _Nothing_ will ever change that," Blaine told him earnestly.

"I'm sorry that I doubted you," Kurt said.

"Don't be sorry. These are legitimate fears but you have got to talk to me about these things, Kurt. You know you can talk to me about _anything_ ," Blaine said.

"I know. I should probably get to bed." Kurt stifled a yawn. "I love you."

"I love you too."

"Forever?" Kurt asked with a small smile.

"Always," Blaine replied with a smile of his own.

**K/B**

Kurt had turned down Blaine's offer to accompany him to Dalton. He had work to do on his father's campaign, and besides, the Warblers had been Blaine's friends first. He deserved some time with them on his own, without having to share company. Blaine walked down the staircase where he had first met Kurt, smiling at the memory. He felt out of place without the blazer, but he knew he would be welcomed back by his Warbler family.

He was pleased when he heard Nick's voice drifting out of the choir room. It appeared the boy had finally gotten a solo, and not just any solo but "Uptown Girl." Blaine leaned against the doorway, listening to his friends sing. He noticed a new guy walking towards him. He didn't like the way the guy looked at him, like he was a piece of meat. Just as the boy pulled him into the group, Nick and the other Warblers noticed his presence. He followed the movements of the other Warblers, not familiar with the choreography. The song ended and Blaine applauded loudly.

"You guys killed it!" he exclaimed, pulling Nick in for a quick hug.

"We'd sound so much better with you," Trent commented. "Is this your triumphant return to Dalton?"

"No, I'm still at McKinley," Blaine answered with a smile. "I'm actually here to invite you to the opening night of _West Side Story_. I reserved a whole row of seats just for the Warblers. It would mean the world to me if you'd come."

"We'll be there," the new guy spoke for the group. "Once a Warbler, always a Warbler, right?"

The group clapped him on the back before they went their separate ways. Only the new guy stayed behind.

"Blaine Anderson," he said, extending his hand. "I'm Sebastian Smythe."

"Hi," Blaine said, shaking his hand.

"Do you want to grab a cup of coffee?" Sebastian asked.

"Sure," Blaine answered. Several minutes later they sat at a table in the commons, both sipping cups of coffee.

"You're a legend at Dalton," Sebastian told him. Blaine blushed, unsure of how to respond. "Don't be modest. I was like, 'I don't know who this Blaine guy is but apparently he's sex on a stick and sings like a dream.'"

"Which Warbler said I'm sex on a stick?" Blaine asked with a laugh.

"Doesn't matter," Sebastian answered quickly. "Since I'm working to take over your place, I have to ask. Why did you leave Dalton? Were you tired of all the prep school boys or did you break too many hearts to stay?"

Blaine laughed awkwardly. "It wasn't like that. Let's just say that I miss Dalton but McKinley is where my heart is."

He couldn't help but smile widely when he thought of Kurt. Blaine never doubted for a second that he had made the right decision to transfer schools. Sebastian frowned at his lovesick expression. Sebastian changed the subject quickly. They talked about the school and the difficulty of the classes for a while before Sebastian announced he would be late for lacrosse practice.

"Could we meet again?" Sebastian asked as he gathered his things. "I could really use some more of your insight, Blaine. You know, Warbler to Warbler."

"Sure," Blaine agreed, against his best judgments. Sebastian made him uneasy, but if he really did need someone to come to for advice, Blaine couldn't turn him down. He just hoped Kurt wouldn't be upset that he had said yes.

**K/B**

The next day, Blaine had yet to tell Kurt about Sebastian. He wasn't sure how to tell him and he was too afraid that he would be upset about it. So for now, he kept it to himself. He would figure out how to tell Kurt later. For now, he was focusing on Artie's opinion of his lack of sexual experience. He was getting books out of his locker when Kurt approached him.

"If you see any of Rachel's campaign posters, feel free to tear them down," Kurt said with a sigh as he leaned back against the lockers.

"Do you think we're too sheltered as artists?" Blaine found himself asking. Kurt lifted his head in confusion. " _West Side Story_ is all about living outside your safe little world. Don't you want to wake up every day and be adventurous, to experience everything in life that you can?"

"Of course," Kurt answered in surprise. He pulled out his phone, scrolling through it until he found what he was looking for. "That's why I made a Bucket List. Just promise not to laugh. Number eighty-seven, become CEO of Logo."

"Of course," Blaine said with a smile.

"Number sixty-three, lay a rose at the birthplace of Noel Coward. Oh, and this is really embarrassing but I wrote it before I met you. Number five, have relations on a dewy meadow of lilac with Taylor Lautner before he gets fat," Kurt said, blushing. "It's stupid."

"No, it's not. It's hot," Blaine answered.

Kurt was shocked when he looked into Blaine's eyes and saw desire. He struggled to find his voice. "Well anyway, we're young. We have all the time in the world to be 'adventurous.'"

Blaine leaned in closely. When he spoke his voice came out seductively. "Don't you think _now_ is the time to be adventurous, while we're still young?"

Kurt watched as Blaine strode off down the hallway. Maybe Blaine was right. Blaine was it for him, Kurt knew that. So what was the point in delaying the inevitable? They both knew they'd be together for the rest of their lives. Why shouldn't their living start now?

**K/B**

When Sebastian asked if he wanted to meet for coffee that afternoon, Blaine agreed but not without reservations. He couldn't believe that Sebastian had lived in Paris, or asked for cognac in his coffee.

"You're so out there," Blaine said as he sat down.

"And your whole bashful-school-boy thing, super-hot," Sebastian replied.

"Look, Sebastian, I have a boyfriend," Blaine told him. He hadn't taken the hint during their previous meeting so Blaine decided to spell it out for him.

"Doesn't bother me if it doesn't bother you," Sebastian answered.

"Well it does. I really care about him," Blaine said.

"He doesn't need to know," Sebastian countered.

Blaine was beginning to wonder if the guy had a conscience. "I never want to mess up what I have with him, in _any_ way. He's really great."

"Who's really great?" Kurt asked, suddenly appearing over Blaine's shoulder.

" _You_ are," Blaine said with relief. "We were just talking about you. Sebastian, this is my boyfriend, Kurt."

Kurt extended his hand, forcing a smile when Sebastian shook it. "Pleasure."

"And how do we know Sebastian?" Kurt asked. Blaine could tell by his tone of voice that he was unhappy with the situation but it was too late to do anything now.

"We met at Dalton. I was _dying_ to meet Blaine. The Warblers never shut up about him. I didn't think he could live up to the hype, but as it turns out. . . ." Sebastian said with an overconfident smile.

"Yes, he's even more impressive in the flesh," Kurt said as he pulled up a chair. He slid his arm through Blaine's, snuggling up to his side.

"What're you guys doing tomorrow night?" Sebastian asked, trying not to frown at the couple's close proximity to each other.

"We're rehearsing for the school musical and then at bedtime we do a moisturizing routine over the phone," Kurt answered before Blaine could speak.

"As sexy as that sounds, how would you like to go to Scandals in West Lima? I can get you guys a couple of fake IDs," Sebastian suggested.

"Scandals?" Blaine asked in surprise. He turned to Kurt to explain. "That's the gay bar."

"Come on, guys, live a little."

"Thank you for the offer, Sebastian, but that's really not our kind of thing," Blaine declined.

"Let's do it," Kurt disagreed. If Sebastian wanted a fight, it was a fight he was going to get.

"What?" Blaine asked in confusion.

"Yeah, I mean we have a whole bunch of firsts to start crossing off our list," Kurt said. "We're in."

"Great," Sebastian said with a smile.

**K/B**

Kurt tried to hide his discomfort as they walked towards the bar of the club. Sebastian was there waiting for them. Kurt slid his hand into Blaine's.

"I _really_ don't like that guy," Kurt said under his breath.

"He's harmless," Blaine assured him with a squeeze of the hand.

Kurt resisted the urge to pour the drink over Sebastian's head when he handed him a Shirley Temple. He wanted to tell Blaine not to drink anything the boy offered, but he knew Blaine would only say he was being ridiculous. When Sebastian asked Blaine to dance, he looked to Kurt to see if it was all right with him. He didn't want to upset him and Kurt didn't want Sebastian to know that he was upsetting him, so he agreed. He sat with his back to the bar, keeping a watchful eye on his Blaine.

"Better watch your boyfriend," a familiar voice drawled.

Kurt turned in surprise to see Karofsky. He hadn't seen him since the previous school year, as the jock had transferred over the summer. "So how's life at your new school?"

"Fine," Karofsky answered. "I just want to have a normal school year without any rumors about me."

"Well just so you know, I never would have told anyone. It's not who I am." Kurt turned to see Sebastian dancing a respectable distance away from Blaine. Satisfied, he turned back to Karofsky. "So do you come here all the time?"

Karofsky nodded. "People like me here. I feel accepted. I'm what they call a bear cub."

"Because you look like Yogi?" Kurt asked in confusion.

Karofsky laughed. "No, because I'm burly."

Kurt nodded, turning his head away.

"So is this the point where you judge me?"

"No," Kurt answered. "As long as you're not beating people up I'm all for being whoever you have to be at your own speed."

"I'm just trying to get through high school," Karofsky said.

Kurt smiled, taking a sip of his drink before he abandoned it to dance with his boyfriend. He slid in between Blaine and Sebastian, grinding his body against Blaine's in a way he had never dared before. They spent the rest of the night that way, until Kurt decided it was time to get Blaine home.

"This is the best night of my life," Blaine slurred as Kurt escorted him out of the club. "I wanna live here and I wanna make art and _help_ people."

Blaine chose that moment to exhale right into Kurt's face. Kurt coughed, pulling back with a laugh. "You could certainly help people make fires with your _breath_."

"I only had one drink," Blaine protested. They had reached Blaine's car by that point and Kurt unlocked the doors. Blaine wrapped his arms around Kurt's waist. "Kiss me. Come on, _kiss_ _me_."

"No, you're going in the back. Lay down so you're less likely to get sick." Kurt helped Blaine to lie down in the back seat. He gasped when Blaine pulled him down on top of him. "Whoa, Blaine, okay."

Kurt tried to disentangle himself from his boyfriend, but Blaine was having none of it. His mouth found Kurt's neck as his hands wandered down his back. Kurt finally managed to sit up but Blaine followed him.

"Kurt, let's just do it. I want you. I want you _so_ bad." Blaine tried to attack his neck again but Kurt pushed him back.

"No, Blaine. _Stop_ it!"

"I know you wanted to do it in a field of lilac and all that but who cares where we are? It's all about us, right?"

"Right, it's about _us!_ Which is why I don't want to do it on a night when you spent half the time dancing with another guy and you're too drunk to remember it the next day!" Kurt exclaimed angrily.

"Why are you yelling at me?" Blaine asked.

"Because I have never felt _less_ like being intimate with someone and either you can't _tell_ or you don't _care_!"

Blaine pushed his way out of the car, walking towards the road.

"Where are you going?" Kurt yelled.

"I'm sorry if I'm trying to be _spontaneous_ and fun!" Blaine threw his arms up in the air. "I'm just going to walk home."

"Blaine!" Kurt called out, trying to stop him. Blaine kept walking so Kurt had no choice but to get in the car. He followed Blaine the entire way home, making sure that he was safe. Blaine refused to talk to him, even though Kurt kept the window rolled down and tried to reason with him several times. He refused to leave Blaine alone to his own devices while he was drunk. Once Blaine made it safely into his house, Kurt left Blaine's keys under the doormat and walked home.

He didn't know how the night had turned out so bad. Kurt knew he had screwed up by ever agreeing to go to that club. And now Blaine hated him. He slipped into his house, creeping up the stairs to his bedroom. He was grateful everyone was already asleep. There would be no delays. Kurt pressed play on his iHome, smiling at the song that it queued up. It was exactly what he needed just now.

_Did you know,_

_Hidden by his clothes there are some scars?_

_Some are recent,_

_Some have been there for years._

_Did you know,_

_It doesn't even hurt?_

_It never really hurts, but there are tears._

Kurt entered his bathroom immediately, sliding his razor out from its hiding spot. He pressed the sharp edge of the blade against his wrist, drawing it parallel to his vein. He hissed in pain as the skin opened and blood flowed out. It wasn't enough though. Kurt pulled the blade across his skin, like he was drawing on a canvas. But the canvas was skin and the paint blood.

_Do you want the real story,_

_Or do you prefer the lie?_

_Do you want to see him smile,_

_Or maybe see him cry?_

_Do you want to follow,_

_Or let him go alone?_

_For then, never to know. . ._

_Never to know._

_Never to know._

His body wracked with sobs, Kurt opened his own skin. He had ruined everything he had with Blaine in just one night. Did Blaine really expect for Kurt to give him his virginity when Blaine was drunk? Would Blaine have been happier if Kurt had relented and given him what he wanted? Kurt didn't know because Blaine had left him. He was alone.

_Have you seen the way he acts sometimes?_

_And when you ask,_

_He'll say that he's okay._

_Have you seen how well he pretends?_

_Laughs out loud,_

_Before he looks away._

Kurt didn't know what would happen when he saw Blaine again. He was resigned to pretend like nothing had happened. After all, he was an actor. His pretending was flawless, except when it came to Blaine. Blaine always saw through his mask. But maybe Blaine wouldn't care enough to try. Kurt could just say he was okay and leave it at that. Surely, after the way he had screwed up, Blaine wouldn't care to press the matter. He would probably be glad to be rid of the subject completely.

_Do you want the real story,_

_Or do you prefer the lie?_

_Do you want to see him smile,_

_Or maybe see him cry?_

_Do you want to follow,_

_Or let him go alone?_

_For then, never to know. . ._

_Never to know._

_Never to know._

_Never to know. . ._

_Never to know._

The last eight months had been the best in Kurt's life. Now they had all but been destroyed. The funny thing was Kurt was ready to take that step with Blaine. He just wasn't going to lose his virginity when his boyfriend was drunk and had spent half the night ignoring him for another guy. Kurt wanted their first time to mean something; he wanted them to be able to look back years from now and remember the beautiful moment when they gave themselves to each other completely. Now that was all ruined. And it was his fault.

_Do you want the real story,_

_Or do you prefer the lie?_

_Do you want to see him smile,_

_Or maybe see him cry?_

_Do you want to follow,_

_Or let him go alone?_

_For then, never to know. . ._

As Kurt pulled the blade across his skin one more time, he realized how deep he had gone. He knew he should probably go to the ER for stitches but without Blaine he could care less. Without Blaine he was nothing. Rinsing off the blade, Kurt put it back in his hiding spot. Then he pulled out all of his medical supplies. He pulled the skin together with a butterfly strip before covering the entire thing in gauze and medical tape.

_Do you want the real story,_

_Or do you prefer the lie?_

_Do you want to see him smile,_

_Or maybe see him cry?_

_Do you want to follow,_

_Or let him go alone?_

_For then, never to know. . ._

_Never to know._

Kurt fell into bed, completely exhausted both mentally and physically. Ordinarily, he would call Blaine to tell him what he had done. But now they weren't talking. Kurt hid his sobs in his pillow, hugging it to his chest. He couldn't help but feel the entire situation was hopeless. But there was only one way to fix it. He would have to make Blaine talk to him.

**K/B**

Opening day dawned bright, despite the darkness of the previous night. Blaine didn't see Kurt all day and before he knew it he was standing backstage with Rachel. They were both putting makeup on, waiting until they were told to go on stage.

"Just so you know, your Maria has disappointed you," Rachel said as she applied blush to the apples of her cheeks. "I'm still a virgin."

"Then your Tony has disappointed you," Blaine said, putting down a makeup brush. "I ruined everything with Kurt."

"Whatever happened, I'm sure he'll forgive you," Rachel said supportively.

Blaine was spared from having to explain the situation when Artie announced it was time for the show to begin. As Artie wheeled away, he changed the subject. "How are we, as virgins, supposed to do this?"

"Tony and Maria were soul mates," Rachel answered. "Against all odds, they found each other. I know what that's like, and you do too. We just have to tap into that."

Blaine followed Rachel's advice and before he knew it the play was over. He avoided the throng of people trying to talk to him, instead going to change back into his normal clothes. After everyone had left, he went back on stage, trying to perfect the move he had messed up earlier. He was surprised when he heard Kurt's voice from the other side of the stage.

"Shouldn't you be celebrating?" he asked.

"I'm going over the move I messed up tonight," Blaine answered. "I know I can do it better."

"That's the beauty of the stage. You get to do it all over again the next night," Kurt said as he stepped closer. "Personally I thought you and Rachel both were perfect."

"Thank you. Your Officer Krupke killed," Blaine told him. "You brought the house down."

"Well I can't help but pull focus." Kurt lifted his eyes to the ceiling. "Sorry."

Blaine chuckled. "Don't apologize. You were fantastic."

"All your friends came tonight. The Warblers. Sebastian."

"Come here." Blaine beckoned him forward with his hand. "Give me your hand, and hold it to your heart."

Blaine took Kurt's hand, pressing it over his heart.

"Just like the song?" Kurt asked.

"Just like the song." Blaine nodded. "Kurt, Sebastian doesn't mean _anything_ to me. And you were right, our first time shouldn't be like that. I was drunk and I'm sorry."

"Well it sure beats the last time you were drunk and made out with Rachel," Kurt said cheekily.

Blaine groaned, dropping his head. "You would bring that up."

"I'm sorry too," Kurt ignored him. "I wanted to be your gay bar superstar but try as I might I'm _still_ just a silly romantic."

"It's _not_ silly," Blaine assured him. He leaned forwards to kiss Kurt, using his mouth to open Kurt's. Their tongues tangled together for a moment until Kurt pulled away, gasping for air.

"You take my breath away," he said, resting his forehead against Blaine's. "Not just now, but tonight on that stage. I was _so_ proud to be with you."

"I hope so. I want you to be," Blaine's voice broke. He cleared his throat. "Artie's having an after party at Breadstix. Would you accompany me?"

"No." Kurt shook his head. Blaine looked disappointed so he explained quickly. "I want to go to your house."

Blaine looked at him in surprise. "Are you sure?"

"I'm positive. I love you. There's _never_ going to be anyone else for me. It's _always_ been you. So why delay the inevitable?" Kurt took Blaine's hand, pulling him out of the auditorium.

The drive to Blaine's house wasn't awkward in the slightest. They knew what was about to happen and they knew they were ready for it. Blaine pulled his car into the driveway, hurrying to open Kurt's door before Kurt could do it himself. Kurt blushed, taking Blaine's hand in his as they walked to the door. They walked calmly to Blaine's room, neither trying to rush the other. Once inside, Blaine kissed Kurt deeply. Kurt's tongue snaked out to caress Blaine's as Blaine's hands fell to the buttons of Kurt's vest.

"Are you sure?" he asked again.

"I'm not changing my mind," Kurt assured him.

Blaine slowly unbuttoned Kurt's vest, pushing it off of his shoulders. He continued with the buttons of Kurt's shirt, sliding the garment down his arms. He frowned when he reached Kurt's left wrist. He looked up to meet Kurt's eyes.

"I wasn't sure if we were talking so I didn't tell you. I was going to tonight but I knew you'd see it. I wasn't keeping it from you," Kurt said, trying to keep his voice steady.

Blaine knew how hard this had to be for him. Here Kurt was, laying himself completely bare and admitting his wrongdoings, waiting for Blaine to accept him. Blaine lifted Kurt's wrist to his lips, kissing each wound, each scar. He paid special attention to the one held together with a butterfly strip. He could tell instantly Kurt should have gotten stitches. He hated to think that Kurt had been in so much emotional anguish that he had to cause himself that amount of pain, to cut into his flesh so deeply. And Blaine hadn't been there to help him. Blaine let Kurt's hand fall back to his side. Then he dropped to his knees, trailing his lips over each scar on Kurt's stomach. When he had kissed the last one, he stood again. Kurt kissed him passionately, pulling Blaine's shirt up. They broke the kiss only to dispose of the shirt, tossing it in the corner. Blaine gently pushed Kurt back on the bed. Once they were completely naked, Blaine started to give Kurt one last chance to back out, but Kurt stopped him.

"If you ask if I'm sure one more time I will hurt you," Kurt said with a smile.

Blaine laughed. "Fine, then I won't."

They explored each other's bodies for the first time, basking in the closeness. As Blaine's hands trailed over Kurt's body, Kurt kissed him deeply. He pulled back to whisper against his lips, "Make love to me."

And Blaine, never one to tell Kurt no, did as he asked. After they made love, Kurt rested his head on Blaine's chest, listening to his frenzied heartbeat. Blaine wrapped his arms around Kurt, holding him close.

"Are you all right?" Blaine asked after his breathing returned to normal.

"Perfect," Kurt answered, leaning up to press his lips against Blaine's. He laid back down, his face pressed into Blaine's neck. "Will you sing to me?"

"Of course," Blaine answered. He rubbed small circles over Kurt's back as he began to sing.

_It's a little bit funny this feeling inside._

_I'm not one of those who can easily hide._

_I don't have much money but boy if I did,_

_I'd buy a big house where we both could live._

Kurt smiled as he listened to Blaine sing. He could have all the money in the world and it wouldn't matter as long as he could listen to Blaine's voice. Whenever he sang, it seemed like everything else just disappeared except for the two of them.

_If I was a sculptor, but then again, no,_

_Or a man who makes potions in a traveling show._

_I know it's not much but it's the best I can do._

_My gift is my song and this one's for you._

Blaine carded his hand through Kurt's hair. Normally Kurt detested anyone touching his hair, but not now. Now, nothing mattered except for the two of them and the love that they shared.

_And you can tell everybody this is your song._

_It may be quite simple but now that it's done._

_I hope you don't mind._

_I hope you don't mind that I put down in words,_

_How wonderful life is while you're in the world._

Kurt twisted his head to press a kiss against Blaine's collarbone. He propped his head up with one hand, smiling down at Blaine as he continued to sing.

_I sat on the roof and I kicked off the moss._

_Well a few of the verses well they've got me quite cross._

_But the sun's been quite kind while I wrote this song._

_It's for people like you that keep it turned on._

_So excuse me forgetting but these things I do._

_You see I've forgotten if they're green or they're blue._

_Anyway the thing is what I really mean,_

_Yours are the sweetest eyes I've ever seen._

Blaine copied Kurt's posture. He leaned forward to brush his nose against Kurt's. Kurt chuckled, lifting a hand to run through Blaine's loose curls.

_And you can tell everybody this is your song._

_It may be quite simple but now that it's done._

_I hope you don't mind._

_I hope you don't mind that I put down in words,_

_How wonderful life is while you're in the world._

_I hope you don't mind._

_I hope you don't mind that I put down in words,_

_How wonderful life is while you're in the world._

Blaine captured Kurt's lips in a kiss as the song ended. He laced their fingers together, squeezing his hand slightly. They broke apart at the same time, resting their heads against one pillow.

"I love you," Blaine said.

"I love you too," Kurt answered.

" _Forever_." This time it wasn't a question.

" _Always_."


	22. Chapter 21:  Mash Off

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Thank you to everyone who reviewed, favorited, and alerted this story! This chapter takes place during the "Mash Off" episode. I hope you enjoy!
> 
> Remember – next Monday I will not be updating due to my brother and my dad's surgeries. Also, I'm only one chapter ahead in my writing. If I get caught up updates may not take place weekly. I'm hoping to write more this upcoming week but with everything going on and the fact that I'm going to see my sister for the first time in over a year I can't make any promises. If I don't get more written I will let ya'll know but as for right now I'm hoping I will be able to keep ahead of what I post. Thank you everyone for all of your support with this story. It's been very therapeutic writing it and I hope reading it has maybe helped some of you as well. Now, onwards with the chapter.
> 
> Warnings for this chapter: sexual situations
> 
> Spoilers: 3x06 – Mash Off
> 
> Disclaimer: I do not own Glee. Any quotes used in the show seen here are only being borrowed. "Lost in Paradise" belongs to Evanescence. "Broken" belongs to Lindsay Haun. "The Voice Within" belongs to Christina Aguilera.

  


Chapter Twenty-One: Mash Off

Kurt was surprised when Will found him after the last class of the day, asking if his father had seen Sue's latest ad. He listened in horror as Will played the commercial for him and told him of the latest poll standings. He hadn't said a word before he ran through the halls to Sue's office.

"What you're doing is _appalling_ ," Kurt said as he burst into the office without knocking. "Twenty percent of voters believe my dad has a baboon heart!"

"It's not personal, Porcelain. It's called politics," Sue answered without looking at him. She continued to dust her numerous trophies as she spoke, "Politics is all about playing dirty. You should know that. Your squeaky clean campaign for senior class president isn't doing you any good."

"Brittany's the one making promises she can't keep! At least I'm being honest!" Kurt exclaimed.

"Honesty doesn't matter. Brittany has everyone's attention whereas your petition for a salad bar in the cafeteria does not," Sue said.

"Obesity is a serious issue," Kurt countered.

"Especially in the glee club. Sit down," Sue said.

Kurt sat, though he was tempted to just leave. He knew he wasn't making any headway.

"I fight dirty because I'm fighting _for_ something," Sue told him. "I have a cause. I hate the arts. In order for you to win, you're going to have to find your own cause. Then let the poo flinging begin. Winning really is all about the poo flinging."

"I _refuse_ to believe that," Kurt said as he leaned forward in his seat. "Maybe I need a better cause but that doesn't mean I'm going to start telling lies. I'm going to win this thing without having to fling a single stinky nugget."

Kurt grabbed his bag, walking towards the door.

"Good luck with that, son of Burt 'Baboon Heart' Hummel." When Kurt turned to face her Sue repeated, "It's not personal!"

Kurt stormed out of the room, hurrying back to the choir room before glee club began. Thankfully the room was empty, except for the one person he was looking for. Blaine looked up when Kurt entered the room, dropping his bag next to his seat.

"What's wrong?" Blaine asked, instantly on his feet.

"Everything is getting so out of hand!" Kurt exclaimed. He could feel tears burning hot behind his eyes and tried to force them back to no avail. "I'm going to lose the campaign because Brittany is playing dirty. Sue's doing the same thing only worse. What if my dad can't take the stress? What if he has another heart attack?"

"He won't," Blaine said, shaking his head. He reached for Kurt, pulling him closer. "You're not going to lose and neither is your dad."

"I just feel so lost. _Everything's_ going wrong and I don't even know what to do anymore," Kurt admitted as his tears fell. "I was stupid to ever think I could win this race."

"No you weren't," Blaine told him. "You can't let Brittany take your hope away from you."

"But everything feels so hopeless. They haven't accepted me in the past and they're not going to now," Kurt said softly. "I wish I could just run away."

"Maybe everything feels hopeless but I promise you it isn't. I believe in you. And as for running away, that wouldn't solve anything. Plus I'd miss you too much." Blaine smiled but it wasn't returned. He sighed. "Come on, why don't you try singing?" Blaine suggested, pulling Kurt towards the piano.

Kurt sat on the bench, letting his hands rest on the keys. He thought for a second before he began to play the first thing that came to mind. His fingers drifted over the keys as he sang.

_I've been believing in something so distant,_

_As if I was human._

_And I've been denying this feeling of hopelessness,_

_In me, in me._

All Kurt wanted was to get into NYADA. He wanted his dreams to come true like everyone else did. But his dreams seemed so far out of his reach that it was hard to find the hope to keep going. Had he been too deluded to ever even think he had a shot at such a prestigious school?

_All the promises I made,_

_Just to let you down._

_You believed in me but I'm broken._

_I have nothing left,_

_And all I feel is this cruel wanting._

_We've been falling for all this time,_

_And now I'm lost in paradise._

Kurt wished he could promise Blaine that things would get better. He wanted to promise that he would never hurt himself again. But those were promises he couldn't guarantee. He loved Blaine so much for believing in him, Kurt was just afraid he would let Blaine down in the end. He felt so lost and had no clue of what to do. He just wanted everything to be okay again.

_As much as I'd like the past not to exist,_

_It still does._

_And as much as I'd like to feel like I belong here,_

_I'm just as scared as you._

_I have nothing left,_

_And all I feel is this cruel wanting._

_We've been falling for all this time,_

_And now I'm lost in paradise._

Blaine knew Kurt's past continued to haunt him every day. He wished he could go back and change things, to keep Kurt from ever getting hurt. He knew Kurt wished the same. But they both realized that was impossible. There was no magic fix for Kurt's depression.

_Run away, run away._

_One day we won't feel this pain anymore._

_Take it all away, shadows of you,_

' _Cause they won't let me go,_

Blaine knew Kurt was speaking of his depression and self-harm. His greatest hope, even greater than his Broadway hopes, was that one day Kurt would not feel the need to slice into his own skin to get a reprieve from his depression. He didn't want Kurt to hurt anymore. He wanted him to be happy and healthy, more than anything else in the world.

' _Till I have nothing left,_

_And all I feel is this cruel wanting._

_We've been falling for all this time,_

_And now I'm lost in paradise._

_Alone and lost in paradise._

Blaine pulled Kurt close as he stood from the piano bench. Kurt buried his face in Blaine's shoulder, closing his eyes as the pain tormented him. Blaine brought one hand up to cradle the back of Kurt's head while the other caressed up and down his back in soothing motions. They only parted when Will entered the room.

"I'm glad you guys are here," Will said. "I have something to show you in the auditorium. Can you tell the others? I need to go do something real quick."

Will left without further explanation. Kurt and Blaine told the rest of the club as they entered the choir room. Once everyone was assembled they made their way to the auditorium. Kurt was surprised when Mercedes entered the room with the rest of the Troubletones. He was still hurt by his friend's desertion though he had yet to talk to her.

He had been shocked when Will walked into the room accompanied by Shelby Corcoran, and even more stunned when the pair began to sing. Kurt was excited to perform another mash-up, but he still wished his best friend would be singing with him. The whole glee club experience was bittersweet without her there to join in. Kurt only hoped she would come around sooner rather than later.

**K/B**

" _What_ is your problem?" Kurt grabbed Finn before he could leave the choir room the next day.

"What do you mean?" Finn asked, trying to tug his arm out of Kurt's grip.

"Blaine supported your idea for letting Rory sing lead and all you can manage is a sarcastic thank you?" Kurt asked angrily.

"I wasn't being sarcastic, Kurt," Finn said, trying again to put distance between them.

"Bullshit!" Kurt exclaimed. "I don't know what your problem is with Blaine but you need to get over it, Finn Hudson!"

"Stay out of it, Kurt. This isn't any of your business," Finn remarked, finally managing to tear his arm out of Kurt's grasp.

"I'll stay out of it if you start treating him with respect," Kurt answered snidely before he strode out of the room. He didn't know what problem Finn had with Blaine, but Kurt was determined to get to the bottom of it before things got out of hand.

**K/B**

"This could be deadly," Rachel said with a smile as she crossed the gym to where Kurt was stretching. "We really should have gotten someone to supervise."

Kurt didn't remark, instead turning his back to her. He had no desire to speak to Rachel Berry, not after she had abandoned him. She continued to ramble on about their NYADA applications but Kurt ignored her. He was still hurt. She couldn't just act like nothing had happened.

"I really miss you, Kurt," Rachel said suddenly. "I really want to be your friend again."

"Maybe you should have thought of that before you walked all over me in your borderline psychopathic climb to the top," Kurt said. "You really hurt me, Rachel. You abandoned me when I needed you the most and I'm not ready to forgive you yet."

Without another word, Kurt strode away from his former friend. As the dodgeball game commenced, Kurt avoided Rachel at all costs. He hadn't even wanted to play in the first place, but if the rest of the club was going to participate he would not be the only one left standing on the sidelines. When the game was finally over, Kurt was relieved. He had taken a dodgeball to the face and wanted to make sure there would be no lasting damage from whatever germs festered on the object. He was ready to leave the gym when Santana and the other Troubletones began to pelt Rory with dodgeballs.

"Stop it!" he shrieked, running to Rory's side. _"Stop it!_ Can't you see he's bleeding? We get enough crap from people around here; we don't need to do this to each other. We're _better_ than this."

"Calm down, grandma," Santana said with a sly grin.

"Remember what happened to me, Santana!" Kurt screamed. " _Remember_ what happened to me when I was treated like a piece of trash!"

Kurt didn't wait to hear Santana's response. He pulled Rory to his feet and helped him out of the gym. Kurt heard footsteps behind them and knew without looking that it was Blaine.

"Are you okay?" Blaine asked once Kurt had seen Rory to the nurse's office.

"No, I'm not okay. I can't believe they would do that after what happened to me. They know that's why I started cutting but they just don't care. They were outraged with how I was treated, but they treat Rory the same way," Kurt said, fighting off his tears.

"It's hypocrisy at its best," Blaine commented. He pulled Kurt into his arms, holding him close.

"I won't keep quiet and watch someone else go through what I went through. I won't do it," Kurt said with a sob.

"I know, baby." An idea sparked in his brain. Blaine pushed Kurt back so he could look him in the eyes. "Why don't you make that your platform?"

Kurt looked at him, stunned. "Why didn't I think of that myself?"

"Well we can't all have intelligent, beautiful boyfriends," Blaine said with a grin.

Kurt laughed. "We better go before your ego gets so big it won't fit through the door."

"Too late," Blaine said with a laugh. He followed Kurt back to the choir room.

Expecting the room to be empty, Kurt was surprised to see Rachel waiting for him. He turned to leave.

"Please, don't go," Rachel grabbed his hand. "I know I screwed things up. I just . . . I _miss_ you, Kurt. I prepared something for you. Please, just listen to me."

Kurt pulled his hand out of Rachel's grasp, heading towards the door. Blaine stepped in front of him, blocking his path. With a pleading look, he said, "Just hear her out, baby."

Sighing, Kurt relented. He let Blaine pull him towards the chairs while Rachel nodded at Brad, who lifted his hands over the piano keys as Rachel began to sing.

_Wake up to a sunny day._

_Not a cloud up in the sky,_

_And then it starts to rain._

_My defenses hit the ground._

_And they shatter all around,_

_So open and exposed._

_But I found strength in the struggles,_

_Face to face with my troubles._

_When you're broken,_

_In a million little pieces._

_And you're tryin',_

_But you can't hold on anymore._

_Every tear falls down for a reason._

_Don't you stop believin' in yourself,_

_When you're broken._

Kurt knew exactly what Rachel hoped to achieve by singing to him, but he didn't care. The fact was that she had left him when he needed her the most. And she still hadn't apologized. After so many people hurt him, he couldn't take the girl who was supposed to be his friend doing the same.

_Little girl don't be so blue._

_I know what you're going through._

_Don't let it beat you up._

_Hittin' walls and gettin' scars,_

_Only makes you who you are._

_Only makes you who you are._

_No matter how much your heart is aching,_

_There is beauty in the breaking._

_Yeah._

_When you're broken,_

_In a million little pieces._

_And you're tryin',_

_But you can't hold on anymore._

_Every tear falls down for a reason._

_Don't you stop believin' in yourself,_

_When you're broken._

The truth was Rachel didn't care about the presidency anymore. She just wanted her friend back. She had screwed everything up with her own ambitions, not even stopping to think how it would affect Kurt. Rachel just wanted him to know that she was sorry. She wanted him to know that she would be there for him, if he ever forgave her.

_Better days are gonna find you once again._

_Every piece will find its place._

_When you're broken._

_When you're broken._

_When you're broken,_

_In a million little pieces._

_And you're tryin',_

_But you can't hold on anymore._

_Every tear falls down for a reason._

_Don't you stop believin' in yourself._

_When you're broken._

_Oh when you're broken._

_When you're broken._

_When you're broken._

Rachel looked at Kurt expectantly after the song ended, waiting for his reaction. Kurt sighed unhappily, pinching the bridge of his nose with his thumb and forefinger. He dropped his hand back to his lap, finally meeting her gaze.

"Rachel, I know what you're trying to do. But you _can't_ just sing a song and expect everything to be fixed. Life doesn't work that way. You still haven't even said that you're sorry. How do you expect me to forgive you?" Kurt asked tiredly.

"I _am_ sorry!" Rachel exclaimed.

"No," Kurt said, getting to his feet. "I don't want you to say it just because I want to hear it. I want you to _mean_ it, Rachel. Then, I'll forgive you."

Kurt exited the room, pulling Blaine behind him. As soon as they were in Blaine's car, Blaine turned to Kurt.

"You don't think she meant it?" Blaine asked curiously.

"I think she means it, but she only said it then because it was what I wanted to hear. She has to say it on her own, Blaine. Not because I prompted her," Kurt said, leaning his head back against the seat. "Can we just go back to your place?"

"Of course, baby." Blaine pulled out of the parking lot. They sat in comfortable silence the whole way there.

Kurt dropped his messenger bag by the door to Blaine's room. He stretched his arms out over his head, rolling his shoulders. His entire body was so tense and it was beginning to hurt. Blaine noticed this. He took Kurt's hands, leading him over to the bed.

"Take your shirt off and lay down," Blaine told him.

Kurt shook his head. "I'm not in the mood, Blaine."

Blaine chuckled. "I didn't mean it like _that_. I'm going to give you a massage."

Blaine pulled Kurt's shirt over his head, pushing him gently down onto the bed. Kurt stretched out on his stomach, watching as Blaine disappeared into his bathroom. When he reentered the room he had a bottle of lotion. Blaine warmed the lotion with his hands, bending to press a kiss to Kurt's shoulder. He slowly worked his hands over Kurt's back, feeling the tense muscles relax gradually. His hands roamed over Kurt's exposed skin, stopping whenever he found a knot to rub soothing circles around it with his thumb. Blaine soothed Kurt's tired muscles until he was completely relaxed and all knots had disappeared.

When he was finally done, Blaine lay down next to him on his side. Kurt rolled over to face him, a smile on his face.

"That was amazing. _Thank_ _you_ ," Kurt said. He leaned forwards to brush his lips against Blaine's. Now that he was completely relaxed, Kurt just wanted to be able to enjoy their time alone. He pressed his lips harder to Blaine's, running his tongue along Blaine's lower lip. Blaine moaned as Kurt licked his way into his mouth.

Pulling away, Blaine took a shuddering breath. His eyes were filled with desire when he looked at Kurt. He drew in another shaky breath before he said, "We have to stop."

"Why?" Kurt asked with a frown.

"You said earlier you didn't want to. I don't want you to feel pressured," Blaine told him seriously.

Kurt chuckled. "I don't feel pressured, Blaine." He leaned forwards until his mouth was right next to Blaine's ear. He whispered to him hotly, "I want you. Let me make love to you."

Blaine groaned, crushing his mouth against Kurt's. Kurt smiled against his lips, wishing every evening could be spent like this: Loving one another, completely carefree.

**K/B**

Kurt tried to control his nerves as Rick 'The Stick' Nelson and Brittany made their speeches. He really wanted to get out of here and cut, but he knew that wasn't an option anymore. So he settled for shooting meaningful glances at Blaine, who immediately knew what was going through Kurt's mind. He mouthed 'I love you,' bringing a smile to Kurt's face. Kurt mouthed back an 'I love you too' before striding towards the podium. He took a deep breath before he spoke.

"Hello, I'm Kurt Hummel. The past few weeks I've been speaking about obesity at this school while my opponents chose empty promises and smear tactics." Kurt shot Rachel a look before continuing. "My opponents have tried spreading lies about me to get a leg up, but I have news for them. I _refuse_ to be bullied. In fact, I refuse to let _anyone_ be bullied. Today, I would like to take this one step further. I pledge to ban dodgeball at McKinley High. Dodgeball has always been used as a schoolyard instrument of suppression. It's violent, painful and humiliating. It is my belief that it is the equivalent of modern day stoning. Let's end dodgeball at McKinley High and send a strong message that violence isn't okay," Kurt finished.

As Kurt returned to his seat, he looked up at Blaine who was grinning proudly at him. He sent him a thumbs up, making Kurt blush. Rachel took to the podium.

"Hello, I'm Rachel Berry. I have campaigned for president on a crusade for school book covers, a plan which would save the school thousands of dollars. While I still see this plan as an inspired stroke of political genius I hereby withdraw my candidacy and urge you all to vote for Kurt Hummel." Rachel paused to look at Kurt, who was shocked. He couldn't believe Rachel was really doing this. "Kurt is the _only_ candidate that never went negative in his campaign. He deserves to be president. That's why I'm casting my vote for Kurt Hummel. Vote for Kurt."

Blaine found Kurt as soon as they were dismissed. Kurt was still sitting in his seat, shocked by Rachel's withdrawal.

"Are you okay?" Blaine asked.

Kurt nodded slowly. He raised his head to look at Blaine. "I have to go find Rachel."

Blaine gave him a quick kiss before Kurt ran off. It didn't take long for Kurt to find Rachel at her locker.

"Why did you do it?" he asked as he walked up to her.

"I should have withdrawn from the race when I got the lead in the musical," Rachel said, turning to look at him. "You needed this to get into NYADA. You're already spectacular. Being class president will just put you over the top."

Kurt smiled slightly. "Only Rachel Berry could perk up an old boring high school debate with such a riveting twist."

"Drama queen I know," Rachel said, lowering her gaze to the floor. "I _hated_ you hating me."

"Me too," Kurt confessed. "Scowling gives you fret lines and I'm way too young for Botox."

Rachel couldn't help but laugh. "I was so busy focusing on my dream that I forgot part of my dream was going to New York _with_ _you_. I'm going to help you win this, Kurt."

Kurt smiled.

"I'm going to hug you now, okay?" Rachel hugged him tightly. When she pulled back she pulled him towards the choir room. Kurt was surprised to see all of New Directions there waiting for them. Rachel turned to him. "What I did was wrong, Kurt. I wasn't there for you when you needed me. But that's in the past. From now on, I will always be right here when you need me and even when you don't."

Rachel nudged Kurt towards Blaine who gently pushed him into a chair. With a nod at Brad, Rachel began to sing.

_Young girl, don't cry._

_I'll be right here when your world starts to fall._

_Young girl, it's alright._

_Your tears will dry; you'll soon be free to fly._

_When you're safe inside your room you tend to dream,_

_Of a place where nothing's harder than it seems._

_No one ever wants or bothers to explain,_

_Of the heartache life can bring and what it means._

Rachel hated that she had let her ambitions cloud her mind so easily. Kurt was going through so much right now, in addition to dealing with his past, and she had abandoned him. But that would not happen again. She would be there for him, no matter what.

_When there's no one else,_

_Look inside yourself._

_Like your oldest friend just_

_Trust the voice within._

_Then you'll find the strength,_

_That will guide your way._

_You'll learn to begin to_

_Trust the voice within._

Finn began to play a steady beat with the drums, smiling at the scene that was unfolding before him. He wanted his girlfriend and his stepbrother to be friends again, and not just because of the awkward position they put them in. They needed each other now more than ever.

_Young girl, don't hide._

_You'll never change if you just run away._

_Young girl, just hold tight._

_Soon you're gonna see your brighter day._

_Now in a world where innocence is quickly claimed,_

_It's so hard to stand your ground when you're so afraid._

_No one reaches out a hand for you to hold._

_When you're lost outside, look inside to your soul._

All Kurt had wanted all along was an apology. Rachel had seriously hurt him, but he could forgive her. He just wanted her to actually feel repentance and not just speak empty words. When she had given up the candidacy, he knew she meant every word she was saying.

_When there's no one else,_

_Look inside yourself._

_Like your oldest friend just_

_Trust the voice within._

_Then you'll find the strength,_

_That will guide your way._

_If you'll learn to begin to_

_Trust the voice within._

The New Directions began to sing with Rachel, their voices swelling to a beautiful crescendo. Kurt felt tears burning behind his eyes but he forced them back, not wanting to cry. He had shed enough tears already that week and this was a happy moment. Blaine squeezed Kurt's hand tightly; reminding him it was okay for him to show his emotions. Kurt turned to smile at him as a tear streamed down his face.

_Life is a journey;_

_It can take you anywhere you choose to go._

_As long as you're learning,_

_You'll find all you'll ever need to know._

_(Be strong.)_

_Break it._

_(Hold on.)_

_You'll make it._

_(Be strong.)_

_Just don't forsake it because_

_(No one can tell you what you can't do.)_

_No one can stop you;_

_You know that I'm talking to you._

Kurt turned his attention back to Rachel. He was glad that things were finally looking up for him. He would win the presidency and he would get into NYADA. His future was bright and he couldn't wait to start it.

_When there's no one else,_

_Look inside yourself._

_And like your oldest friend just_

_Trust the voice within._

_Then you'll find the strength,_

_That will guide your way._

_You'll learn to begin to_

_Trust the voice within._

_Young girl don't cry._

_I'll be right here when your world starts to fall._

Kurt hurried to embrace Rachel. She held him close, whispering to him again how sorry she was. Kurt knew she meant it when she said she would be there for him from now on. He finally had his friend back. Now if only he could somehow reach Mercedes. But for now, he wasn't going to dwell on that. Things were looking up. Kurt didn't want to waste any more time on sadness. Not when tomorrow would dawn a bright new day.


	23. Chapter 22:  I Kissed a Girl

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Thank you to everyone who reviewed, alerted, or favorited this story! I’m sorry for the long wait. Last week was crazy with surgeries for my dad and brother and my sister coming into town for the first time in a year. I meant to post this yesterday but I was only able to post on FFN so I apologize. I hope it was worth the long wait. This chapter takes place during the “I Kissed a Girl” episode. I hope you enjoy!
> 
> Warnings for this chapter: self-harm
> 
> Spoilers for: 3x07 I Kissed a Girl
> 
> Disclaimer: I do not own Glee. “Fucking Perfect” belongs to P!nk. “Innocent” belongs to Taylor Swift. “Breathless” belongs to Better Than Ezra.

Chapter Twenty-Two: I Kissed a Girl

“Can I print an early copy of your concession speech on my blog?” Jacob Ben Israel asked Kurt as he switched out books for his next class.

“Who says I’m ready to concede?” Kurt asked, wishing, not for the first time, that he could just make Jacob disappear.

“You’re trailing Brittany by seventeen points,” Jacob pointed out. “If this were a horse race you’d be _glue_.”

“The glue that keeps this school together when he gets elected president,” Rachel cut in, placing a comforting hand on Kurt’s shoulder.

“Oh my God, it’s Brittany! Madam President!” Jacob took off after Brittany.

“Stop worrying, Kurt. We have all day to change the minds of the voters,” Rachel said, stepping in front of him.

“There’s no point. The only way I’m going to win is by pulling a JFK,” Kurt said in defeat.

“You’re going to _shoot_ Brittany?” Rachel exclaimed.

Kurt rolled his eyes. Of course that would be her first assumption. “No. When Kennedy ran against Nixon he had his mob buddies in Chicago stuff the ballot boxes so he won Illinois. That won him the presidency.”

“What? No, I can’t let you do this,” Rachel said, shaking her head. “Why don’t we perform a duet to strum up some support?”

“I have Kennedy’s impeccable hairline,” Kurt said.

“I know.”

“Why can’t I have his ends justify the means mentality? If I lose, my resume will remain blank. I won’t get into NYADA. I _can’t_ accept that,” Kurt said with finality.

“You’re really considering cheating?” Rachel asked.

“What choice do I have?” Kurt asked sadly.

“Have you talked to Blaine about this?” Rachel questioned.

“No, but I will,” Kurt answered before he walked off to find his boyfriend. Blaine was already in class. Kurt slipped into the desk next to him. “There’s only one way I’m going to win this presidency.”

“How?” Blaine asked, biting back a sigh. He wished Kurt had dropped out of the race weeks ago, but he never would listen. He was far too stubborn for his own good.

“Stuff the ballot boxes,” Kurt said.

Blaine turned to face him. “You _can’t_ cheat, Kurt.”

“Why not? I don’t see that I have any other options,” Kurt said with a sigh, leaning back in his desk.

“Look, think about this seriously. If you cheat and you get caught, you’ll be suspended. That goes on your transcript, Kurt. You won’t have any chance of getting into NYADA if the Dean of Admissions sees that,” Blaine reasoned with him.

Kurt bit his lip, closing his eyes to think. “You’re right. Of course, you’re right.”

Kurt moved his hand to the rubber band on his left wrist, snapping it against his wrist. Blaine watched him, a question in his eyes.

“What are you doing?”

“Dr. Madsen suggested this as an alternative to . . . you know,” Kurt said weakly.

Blaine opened his mouth to speak but the teacher called the class to order. Instead, he shot Kurt a sympathetic look before turning his attention to the teacher. The election was almost over. Maybe then things would get better.

**K/B**

The next day, Kurt listened to his stepbrother talk to Santana. He remembered how scary his own coming out had been, but his dad had been wonderful. Not many kids were as lucky as him. His dad had accepted him from the very beginning, without question. He was pulled out of his thoughts as Finn called his name. Kurt stood, following Blaine to the front of the room.

“Santana, there’s a song Kurt and I like to sing to each other in the car. We’d like to sing it to you today,” Blaine said with a smile.

“As much as I’d love to have two pretty ponies serenade me, I think we’d get further staging a gel-ervention for Blaine than singing lady music,” Santana said scathingly.

“I know it’s hard,” Kurt said before Blaine could retort. “It was hard for me too. But you _can_ get through this.”

“If you could just stop being so _defensive_ ,” Blaine added.

“I’m trying,” Santana replied. “But your hideous bowties are provoking me.”

“Kurt, Blaine, why don’t you show us what you’ve got,” Will cut in before things could escalate.

Blaine nodded to Kurt. As Kurt began to sing, Blaine stepped back to let him have center stage.

_Made a wrong turn, once or twice._

_Dug my way out, blood and fire._

_Bad decisions, that’s alright._

_Welcome to my silly life._

_Mistreated, misplaced, misunderstood._

_Miss ‘No way, it’s all good,’_

_It didn’t slow me down._

_Mistaken, always second guessing._

_Underestimated, look, I’m still around._

Blaine stepped forwards, looking at Santana as he sang before he turned his attention to his boyfriend. Kurt knew how much this song meant to the both of them. He could tell that Blaine was singing it to him just as much as he was singing it to Santana.

_Pretty, pretty please, don’t you ever, ever feel_

_Like you’re less than, less than perfect._

_Pretty, pretty please, if you ever, ever feel_

_Like you’re nothing you are perfect to me._

Blaine stepped forwards as he rapped. Kurt harmonized his voice to Blaine’s as he danced behind his boyfriend. He was so glad that they could be themselves in the choir room, even if it was the only place like that in the entire school.

_The whole world’s scared so I swallow the fear._

_The only thing I should be drinking is an ice cold beer._

_So cool in line and we try, try, try but we try too hard._

_And it’s a waste of my time._

_Done looking for the critics, cause they’re everywhere._

_They don’t like my jeans, they don’t get my hair._

_Exchange ourselves and we do it all the time._

_Why do we do that?_

_Yeah!_

_I’m pretty, pretty, please!_

_Pretty, pretty please, if you ever, ever feel_

_Like you’re nothing, you are perfect to me._

Blaine pulled Kurt towards him as the song ended. He held Kurt close, waiting to hear Santana’s reaction.

“Thank you, guys, Finn especially. Now I get to add _that_ to the list of horrible things I’ve been through in my life.” Santana clapped sarcastically.

Kurt didn’t speak, returning to his seat. Blaine waited until everyone had left to talk to him. He turned in his seat, placing a hand over Kurt’s knee.

“Are you okay?” Blaine asked tentatively.

“I wish Santana would stop being so negative about everything. We were just _trying_ to help her!” Kurt exclaimed angrily.

“I know, love. But that’s her way of coping,” Blaine said.

“I know it is. I just wish she could cope without tearing other people down. I already feel like crap without having to listen to her snide remarks,” Kurt said. He pulled the rubber band away from his wrist, letting it snap back against his skin.

Blaine dropped his eyes to Kurt’s wrist, gasping when he saw what Kurt had done to himself. Blaine moved Kurt’s hand away, rolling up his sleeve so he could take a better look. The skin of Kurt’s wrist was bruised with an angry red welt where the rubber band rested.

“It looks worse than it is,” Kurt said instantly.

“Doesn’t it hurt?” Blaine asked stupidly.

“It does, but not enough.” Kurt didn’t give Blaine a chance to answer. He picked up his messenger bag and strolled out of the room.

Blaine followed him. “What do you mean ‘not enough?’”

“Exactly what you think I mean, Blaine,” Kurt said. With a sigh he turned to face his boyfriend. “Look, I’m just really worried about the election.”

“I know you are, love. But it’ll all be over tomorrow,” Blaine reminded him. Kurt nodded, continuing on his way to the parking lot. “Just promise me you’ll try to relax tonight.”

“I’ll try,” Kurt said before pressing a quick kiss to Blaine’s lips and climbing into his Navigator. He knew that despite his promise to Blaine, there was no way he would relax before the election was over.

**K/B**

Kurt was grateful when Finn pushed Jacob away from them in the gymnasium. He was already nervous enough without having to listen to Jacob’s ranting. The only thing keeping him from snapping the rubber band against his wrist was the fact they were in a public venue and everyone was sure to notice.

“I feel like a lamb waiting to be slaughtered,” Kurt groaned as he buried his face in his hands. He just wanted the day to be over with already. He needed to cut.

“It’s not over until all the votes are counted,” Finn reminded him. He placed a comforting hand on Kurt’s shoulder, squeezing it slightly.

“And you’re going to get loads,” Rachel added confidently. “Look! Quinn’s going to vote right now. I’m _sure_ she’s voting for you.”

Kurt turned to look where Rachel had pointed, but couldn’t muster up any confidence. There was no way Quinn was voting for him, not when Brittany was crusading for women’s rights. The time trickled by until it was finally Kurt’s turn in the voting booth. He disappeared behind the curtain, glad that he could let his mask down for a second and really feel.

 _If I lose, there is no chance of me getting into NYADA. It’s not fair that the possibility of my dream coming true relies on how many people check a stupid box._ With that thought, Kurt checked the box next to his own name before folding the slip of paper and dropping it into the voting box.

The urge to open his own veins was stronger than ever. Looking around, he didn’t see any of his friends. Rachel and Finn had already voted and returned to class, as had Blaine. Kurt was left alone. Biting his lip hard, he managed to hold back his tears long enough to disappear into the nearest bathroom. Once he was safe in the handicapped stall, Kurt dropped to his knees. He dug through his bag until he found his razorblade. Wrenching up his sleeve, Kurt brought the blade down to his wrist, right under the welt left from the rubber band. Kurt eased the blade into his skin, slicing away at his own flesh slowly.

The door to the bathroom swung open. Panicking, Kurt threw his blade back into his messenger bag, not bothering to wipe it clean. A knock sounded on the door to the stall. Kurt froze.

“Kurt, I know you’re in there,” Blaine said.

“Blaine,” Kurt sobbed. He scrambled to his knees, sliding open the latch and pulling the door open.

“It’s okay. You’re alright,” Blaine soothed. He dropped to his knees beside his boyfriend, pulling him into his arms. He held Kurt close to his chest. He felt Kurt’s tears soak through his shirt, dampening his skin.

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry,” Kurt managed to speak through his tears.

“It’s alright, love. I’m not mad. It’s okay,” Blaine promised. He rubbed small circles on Kurt’s back as he began to sing.

_Guess you really did it this time,_

_Left yourself in your warpath._

_Lost your balance on a tightrope._

_Lost your mind trying to get it back._

_Wasn’t it easier in your lunchbox days?_

_Always a bigger bed to crawl into._

_Wasn’t it beautiful when you believed in everything?_

_And everybody believed in you?_

Kurt’s tears ceased to fall as he listened to Blaine’s voice. He pulled away, wiping at his tears with his left hand. Blaine frowned when he saw the cut on Kurt’s wrist was still bleeding. He reached around Kurt to grab his messenger bag.

_It’s alright, just wait and see,_

_Your string of lights are still bright to me._

_Oh, who you are is not where you’ve been._

_You’re still an innocent._

_Still an innocent._

Blaine fished a piece of gauze out of Kurt’s messenger bag. He pressed it to the wound firmly. Kurt hissed in pain at the pressure, but he knew it had to be done to stop the bleeding. Blaine looked up apologetically, continuing to sing.

_Did some things you can’t speak of._

_But at night you live it all again._

_You wouldn’t be shattered on the floor now._

_If only you had seen what you know now then._

_Wasn’t it easier in your firefly catching days?_

_When everything out of reach, someone bigger brought down to you._

_Wasn’t it beautiful runnin’ wild till you fell asleep?_

_Before the monsters caught up to you._

Blaine pulled the gauze away, pleased to see the blood flow had lessened. He moved the gauze back in place, digging through Kurt’s bag for medical tape. Without a word, Kurt moved to hold the gauze while Blaine tore off several strips of tape. Blaine placed the tape over the gauze, holding it in place. He then pressed a quick kiss to Kurt’s wrist before opening his arms to his boyfriend.

_It’s alright, just wait and see,_

_Your string of lights are still bright to me._

_Oh, who you are is not where you’ve been._

_You’re still an innocent._

_It’s okay, life is a tough crowd._

_32 and still growin’ up now._

_Who you are is not what you did._

_You’re still an innocent._

Kurt moved into Blaine’s arms. He buried his face in his neck, breathing in his scent. Blaine tightened his grip, holding him closer.

_Time turns flames to embers._

_You’ll have new Septembers._

_Every one of us has messed up too._

_Minds change like the weather._

_I hope you remember._

_Today is never too late to_

_Be brand new._

Kurt slowly relaxed as Blaine held him. He always felt safest when he was in Blaine’s arms, no matter what was going on. Blaine’s hand disappeared under Kurt’s shirt, rubbing up and down his back. Kurt smiled, drawing comfort from the skin-to-skin contact.

_It’s alright, just wait and see,_

_Your string of lights is still bright to me._

_Oh, who you are is not where you’ve been._

_You’re still an innocent._

_It’s okay, life is a tough crowd._

_32 and still growin’ up now._

_Who you are is not what you did._

_You’re still an innocent._

_You’re still an innocent._

_Lost your balance on the tightrope._

_It’s never too late to get it back._

Blaine’s hand disappeared from under Kurt’s shirt, smoothing it back out so there wouldn’t be any wrinkles. He pressed a kiss to Kurt’s hair before pushing him back gently. Blaine smiled sadly at him.

“I’m so sorry,” Kurt said softly.

“I know, baby. I’m not mad at you. I’m so _proud_ of you for fighting the urges this long. I know you’ve wanted to cut but you kept fighting.”

“I gave up,” Kurt cut in, his voice harsh.

“What did I tell you before?” Blaine asked firmly. When Kurt didn’t answer, Blaine continued. “Don’t beat yourself up about this, Kurt. Relapse is a part of recovery.”

Blaine stood up, helping Kurt to his feet. Kurt smiled when he handed him his messenger bag, looking deep into his eyes. “I love you.”

“I love you too,” Blaine said with a smile.

“Forever?”

_“Always.”_

**K/B**

Kurt was surprised to see Figgins in the choir room. He hardly ever left his office. His first thought was that he had won the election, but he was wrong.

“There were some irregularities with the student council ballot boxes,” Figgins said once Burt had joined them in the room.

“What do you mean by ‘irregularities?’” Kurt asked. A sick feeling was already developing in his stomach. He wrapped one hand around his wrist, still sore from cutting earlier that day. He squeezed the wound hard, grounding himself.

“Kurt, you won by one hundred and ninety votes,” Coach Beiste said seriously.

“Well that’s great . . . right?” Burt said enthusiastically.

“There are more ballots than there are seniors,” Beiste said, picking up the ballots in question. “Kurt won by a suspiciously wide margin.”

“No, no. I-I didn’t do it. I didn’t _cheat_ ,” Kurt stammered. “I-I-I thought about it but-”

“What do you mean you thought about it?” Burt demanded, disappointment painting his tone.

“I-I thought about it because I wanted to win so badly and I was worried that I wouldn’t. But I _didn’t_ cheat. I worked _really_ hard on this,” Kurt said, looking between his dad, Beiste, and Figgins. _“I didn’t cheat.”_

“You must understand my position, Mr. Hummel,” Figgins said to Burt. “Who else would stuff the ballot boxes for your son to win, other than your son?”

“I understand if my son says he didn’t do it then he didn’t do it,” Burt said firmly.

“If no one comes forward I’m afraid I will be forced to suspend your son,” Figgins told him.

“Kurt didn’t do it. So find whoever did,” Burt said. He pulled Kurt from the room. “Are you okay?”

“No, I’m _not_ okay,” Kurt answered immediately. “I need Blaine.”

“Go find him. We’ll talk more at home.” Burt embraced his son before watching him run off down the hallway.

Kurt was hurrying towards the choir room when he ran into Finn and Rachel. He knew there was no way his stepbrother and best friend would let him walk past them with tears streaming down his cheeks so he stopped.

“Someone stuffed the ballot boxes,” Kurt said. “They think I did it. If they can prove it I’ll be suspended.”

“Oh my God, Kurt,” Rachel said sadly.

“And I lost,” Kurt added weakly. “I lost the election; I lost the lead in _West Side Story._ I can _forget_ about NYADA because they’ll never take me now. The worst part is that for a second, I really thought I won.”

“Kurt, I’m so sorry.” Rachel moved to hug him.

Kurt shrugged her off. He was already walking past her when he spoke. “I have to find Blaine.”

Kurt found Blaine in the choir room, waiting on him. Blaine stood when Kurt entered, frowning when he saw he was crying.

“Someone stuffed the ballot boxes. I lost and now I’ll be suspended,” Kurt explained quickly. He sank to the ground, his nails digging into the skin of his forearms. His nails found purchase and the skin broke. Blaine was by his side instantly and even as he was pulling him into his arms, Kurt was chanting, “I’m worthless. I’m hopeless.”

Blaine seized Kurt’s hands, holding them in his so he couldn’t hurt himself further. He pulled Kurt into his lap, letting his head rest over his heart. He rocked him slowly as he began to sing.

_Here you are now._

_Fresh from your wars,_

_Back from the edge of time._

_And all that you were,_

_Stripped to the bone._

_I thought you’d want to know._

For weeks, Blaine had tried to persuade Kurt to drop out of the race. But Kurt had never listened. Blaine knew that if Kurt didn’t win this would end badly. He had hoped he would win. But he hadn’t. Now Blaine was left to pick up the pieces of his broken boyfriend. Blaine was worried for him. He didn’t know how Kurt would take it if he didn’t get into NYADA.

_When you feel the world is crashing,_

_All around your feet._

_Come running headlong into my arms,_

_Breathless._

_I’ll never judge you._

_I can only love you._

_Come now running headlong,_

_Into my arms._

_Breathless._

The worst part for Kurt was thinking that he had won and then having it ripped away from him. If he didn’t get into NYADA, his dreams would die. He would never make it on Broadway. He was a failure. All he had was Blaine.

_Lay down your guns,_

_Too weak to run._

_Nothing can harm you here._

_Your precious heart,_

_Broken and scarred,_

_Somehow you made it through._

_I only ask that you won’t go again._

Kurt knew Blaine would always be there for him. Sitting in Figgins’ office, Kurt had wanted nothing more than to run straight into Blaine’s arms. That was the only place where he truly felt safe. Blaine was his everything. Blaine was the one constant in his life.

_When you feel the world is crashing,_

_All around your feet._

_Come running headlong into my arms,_

_Breathless._

_I’ll never judge you._

_I can only love you._

_Come now running headlong,_

_Into my arms,_

_Breathless._

_Breathless._

Blaine just wanted Kurt to be happy. He wanted all of his dreams to come true. And now when it seemed none of them would come true, Blaine was helpless to save them.

_So glad to see you smiling._

_So good to hear your laugh._

_I think that you’ve found you even_

_Missed yourself._

_I’m only asking this because I think that,_

_Truth be told._

_Oh, you’ll never go again._

_Again._

Blaine had faith in Kurt, despite everything happening at the moment. He knew there would be a day when Kurt was no longer hurting himself, no longer a danger to himself. He would be happy and he would be healthy. Blaine looked forward to that day more than anything.

_When you feel the world is crashing,_

_All around your feet._

_Come running headlong into my arms,_

_Breathless._

_I’ll never judge you._

_I can only love you._

_Come now running headlong,_

_Into my arms._

_Breathless._

_Breathless._

Blaine pressed a kiss to Kurt’s hair as the song ended. Kurt seemed to have relaxed somewhat, though not completely. The entire situation was still very upsetting.

“How are you feeling?” Blaine asked when Kurt pulled away. “The same?”

“A little better,” Kurt confessed. “You always make me feel better.”

“Good. We will think of something and you _will_ get into NYADA,” Blaine told him.

“You really think I can make it?” Kurt asked doubtfully.

“I do. And I’ll be with you every step along the way,” Blaine promised.

Kurt smiled. He knew Blaine meant it, and that meant more to him than anything.

**K/B**

Kurt followed Finn into Will’s office, surprised to see his father waiting for him. He expected his father wanted to discuss his losing the student council election, but he was surprised when he was handed a wine glass of sparkling cider.

“What’s going on?” Kurt asked, raising an eyebrow.

“Boys, you are looking at the newest congressman. I won the election,” Burt said proudly.

Kurt embraced his father. “That’s great, Dad!”

He moved to a vacant chair, staying out of the way while his dad, Finn, and Will celebrated. Kurt didn’t feel like celebrating. He was even more worried now. The stress of being a politician would not be good for his father’s heart. But regardless, he raised his glass to his father’s when Burt held his toward him. Kurt hid his worries away, knowing he should be happy for his father. Now they could really make a difference for other kids like him.

**K/B**

Sometimes, being the bigger person sucked. But Kurt knew it had to be done. So after Will and Shelby were done addressing the glee clubs, Kurt raised his hand.

“Mr. Schue?” Kurt asked. At Will’s nod, Kurt got to his feet. “As the son of the recently minted congressmen, and to dispel any lingering clouds of suspicion, I would like to personally and publicly congratulate President Brittany. The people have spoken and they want you, Brit. They want pixie sticks. Rule _wisely_. Rule _fabulously_.”

Brittany embraced him with a smile. “You’re still the most unicorn of them all.”

Kurt grimaced, though Brittany was too busy applauding him to notice. He took his seat and leaned back to whisper to Blaine, “Maybe we can put _that_ on my NYADA application.”

“Don’t give up hope, _ever_. We’ll figure something out,” Blaine said, giving Kurt’s shoulder a nudge.

But Kurt _was_ worried. His entire future had rested on him being elected student body president, and he had lost. Kurt was spared from sharing these worries with Blaine as Santana began to sing “Constant Craving.” He could completely relate to the song, though in a different way from Santana. All he wanted was for his dreams to come true, however unlikely they were. With this thought, he couldn’t keep himself from joining in on the last chorus, harmonizing his voice with Santana’s. As Brittany stood to embrace Santana, Rachel entered the room with tear-filled eyes.

“Rachel?” Will asked.

“I just told Principal Figgins that I rigged the election so that Kurt would win,” Rachel admitted in a shaky voice. “Kurt, _please_ don’t hate me. You’re totally in the clear.”

Kurt was shocked. His mind raced to process the admonition. A part of him was touched that Rachel would do that for him, but the other part was angry that she had cost him the election.

“What did he say?” Finn asked, referring to Figgins.

“He put it on my permanent record and I’m suspended for a week,” Rachel said, twisting her hands together. “Also, he said I was banned from competing at sectionals.”

Kurt didn’t speak while the rest of the club reacted. Once everyone had left, Rachel approached him.

“Please don’t hate me,” she repeated.

“I don’t hate you,” Kurt said slowly. “But I _am_ upset. I know you only did this to make up for running against me in the first place, but I _lost_ , Rachel. I lost because _you_ stuffed the ballot boxes. I just . . . I just need some time.”

Kurt left the room, not surprised to see Blaine waiting for him in the hallway. Blaine fell into step beside him as they headed towards the library.

“Shouldn’t you be heading home?” Blaine asked.

“I have to finish my NYADA application,” Kurt answered. “Though it’s probably pointless.”

“No it’s not,” Blaine said. He sat next to Kurt at one of the tables. He helped him fill out the application. Once they were done, Kurt slid the paperwork into an envelope, ready to be mailed to New York. “You know if you don’t get in there are plenty of other schools for you to choose from.”

“I know,” Kurt said. His mind flew to the Ohio University application he had already mailed off. He thought about telling Blaine, but kept it to himself. He didn’t want to jeopardize anything when he didn’t even know if he had made it into NYADA or not. Instead he asked, “Where are you applying?”

“I applied to Columbia, Cornell and NYU. But I really want to go to NYU,” Blaine admitted.

“You’ll get in,” Kurt said instantly.

“We both will,” Blaine replied.

Kurt didn’t speak but managed a small smile. He wished he had the same amount of confidence as Blaine. He knew he wouldn’t be able to relax until he had heard back from NYADA. Until then, he just had to wait and hope.


	24. Chapter 23:  Hold On To Sixteen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Thank you to everyone who reviewed, alerted, or favorited this story! This chapter takes place during the “Hold On To Sixteen” episode. I hope you enjoy!
> 
> Warnings for this chapter: None
> 
> Spoilers for: 3x08 Hold On To Sixteen
> 
> Disclaimer: I do not own Glee. “Hidden Away” belongs to Josh Groban. “Lullaby” belongs to the Dixie Chicks.

Chapter Twenty-Three: Hold On To Sixteen

“Rachel and I might as well get used to a life of barista work and summer stock,” Kurt said as he filled out a job application for the Lima Bean. “There’s no way I’ll get into NYADA now. If we don’t win sectionals I pretty much have _nothing_ to live for.”

“First off, I take offense,” Blaine said with a frown. “Second, New Directions is a _mess_. If we can’t come together as a team we’ll lose and I can’t do a thing about it. Every time I open my mouth Finn gives me this look. I want to help but I don’t want to start anything with Finn.”

“Hey, guys,” a snide voice interrupted them. Kurt frowned. “I was sitting over there checking out this guy and then I realize it’s you, Blaine! What’s going on? I haven’t seen you online lately.” Sebastian glanced at Kurt. “Hi, Kurt.”

He gave Sebastian a curt nod, wishing he would go back the way he came. Kurt turned to look at Blaine.

“We’ve been busy with glee club,” Blaine explained.

“Practicing for sectionals _together_ ,” Kurt said as he reached across the table to take Blaine’s hand in his.

“Congrats on winning your sectional competition, by the way,” Blaine said. “We’re up this week.”

“Well if there’s one guy that can whip the New Directions into a _legitimate_ threat it’s Blaine Anderson,” Sebastian said flirtatiously. “Right?”

“Right,” Blaine said offhandedly. “I need another coffee.”

Kurt watched Blaine approach the barista once more before he turned his attention to Sebastian.

“I don’t like you,” Kurt began.

“Fun, I don’t like you either,” Sebastian cut in.

Kurt continued as if he hadn’t been interrupted, “I don’t like the way you talk to my boyfriend. I don’t like your smirky little meerkat face. I don’t like your obnoxious CW hair. I’m onto you.”

“Let’s get a few things straight. Blaine is too good for you. New Directions is a joke. And one of us has a bad case of the gay-face and it isn’t me,” Sebastian shot back. “By the end of the school year I’ll have Blaine and a Nationals trophy and you’ll still have that face.”

“You smell like Craigslist,” Kurt said maliciously.

Before Sebastian could think of a comeback Blaine had returned. Kurt was relieved when Sebastian didn’t stick around. Blaine took a sip of his coffee before picking up their previous conversation.

“I don’t know what to do. I want to help but Finn keeps getting in the way,” Blaine said with a frown.

Kurt sighed. “I don’t know what Finn’s problem is but if he doesn’t solve it soon _I’m_ going to solve it for him.”

Blaine chuckled.

“What?” Kurt demanded.

“I just love it when you get all possessive,” Blaine said with a smile. “But don’t worry about Finn. You have enough to worry about without adding your stepbrother on top of that. The Finn issue will sort itself out.”

“If you’re sure,” Kurt said uncertainly.

“I am.”

Kurt wished there was something he could do to solve whatever problem Finn had with Blaine, but he knew if Blaine really felt he needed his help he would ask. For now he would stay out of it and let them handle things.

**K/B**

Kurt was beyond anxious. He felt like his nerves were frayed and he couldn’t tie them back together. It took everything he had to sit in the choir room and listen to the discussion of which band members would be joining them for sectionals so they would have enough members to compete. Finally, enough was enough. Kurt had to get out of there. He couldn’t deal with the pain anymore. So he did what he always did, he ran, figuratively of course.

Kurt excused himself from the group, hurrying to the nearest bathroom. He approached the sink, splashing his face with cold water.

“Are you okay?” Blaine asked as he came up behind him.

Kurt jumped, spinning around on the balls of his feet. “I didn’t hear you follow me.”

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you. I left a second after you did.” Blaine took Kurt’s hands in his. “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine,” Kurt lied. He began to turn towards the sink but Blaine stopped him.

“Don’t do that to me. You do it to everyone else and I can’t do anything about it but you _can’t_ do that to me,” Blaine said earnestly. If Kurt lied to him about his feelings then Blaine would have no way to help him.

“I’m sorry,” Kurt said with a sigh. “I’m just used to lying about how I feel. I don’t want everyone to know. They wouldn’t understand.”

“I think they would. But I can’t make you tell them anything. That’s up to you. But you _don’t_ have to hide from me. You shouldn’t hide your depression or your anxiety, Kurt. It’s _not_ healthy,” Blaine said.

“Neither is cutting into my own skin.” Kurt’s words came out harsher than he meant them to. He apologized immediately, “I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay. Just, please listen to me. _Don’t_ hide yourself from me.” Blaine opened his arms and Kurt moved into them. He buried his head in Blaine’s shoulder as Blaine began to sing.

_Over mountains and sky blue seas,_

_On great circles will you watch for me?_

_The sweetest feeling I’ve got inside,_

_I just can’t wait to get lost in your eyes._

_And all these words that you meant to say,_

_Held in silence day after day._

_Words of kindness that our poor hearts crave,_

_Please don’t keep them hidden away._

Blaine knew Kurt was hurting and anxious. And Blaine knew Kurt’s every instinct screamed at him to pretend that he was okay, to run as far away as he could from his true feelings. But the fact of the matter was that those feelings were going nowhere. Even Kurt’s therapist, Dr. Madsen, had told him he had to stop his acting game. If he never experienced the emotions fully he would never cope with them.

For so long Kurt had coped with cutting, and now that he couldn’t do that he didn’t cope at all. He tried by talking and singing but those didn’t always help. And it was in those moments where the temptation to hurt himself was strongest.

More than anything, Blaine wanted Kurt to be happy and healthy. But he wouldn’t get that way by hiding his feelings away from everyone that cared about him.

_Sing it out so I can finally breathe in,_

_I can take in all you say._

_Holding out for something I believe in,_

_All I really need today._

_I want to free your heart._

_I want to see your heart._

_Please don’t keep your heart hidden away._

Kurt knew he could tell Blaine anything, but there were days when Kurt just didn’t want to talk about his problems. But Blaine always saw right through his fake smile. Blaine wanted to free Kurt from his depression, this sickness that was taking away his beautiful smile. Blaine just wanted Kurt to stop hiding.

_You’re a wonder, how bright you shine,_

_A flickering candle in a short lifetime._

_A secret dreamer that never shows,_

_If no one sees you then nobody knows._

_And all these words you were meant to say,_

_Held in silence day after day._

_Words of kindness that our poor hearts crave,_

_Please don’t keep them hidden away._

Blaine wished Kurt would see himself as Blaine saw him. He was unique, one-of-a-kind. There would never be another person like Kurt, and Blaine was lucky enough to call him his. Yet Kurt was trying to hide himself away, and that killed Blaine. He wanted Kurt to shine so everyone else could see his beautiful light.

_Sing it out so I can finally breathe in,_

_I can take in all you say._

_Reaching out for someone I believe in,_

_All I really need today._

_I want to feel your love._

_Will you reveal your love?_

_Please don’t keep your love hidden away._

Kurt had calmed considerably while Blaine sang. Blaine’s voice always had a calming effect on him. He lifted his head from the crook of Blaine’s shoulder, looking him in the eyes. Blaine raised one hand to cup Kurt’s face, the other dropping to his hip. Kurt tilted his head into Blaine’s hand.

_I want to free your heart._

_I want to see your heart._

_Please don’t keep your heart hidden away._

When Blaine finished singing, Kurt closed the distance between them. The kiss was short and sweet, but it somehow conveyed all that they felt for one another. Blaine smiled when they pulled apart.

“I love you, forever.”

Kurt smiled widely as he answered, “I love you too, always.”

**K/B**

Kurt was glad that Sam had made his triumphant return to New Directions, but his reappearance did nothing to calm his nerves. The fact was Sam was no Rachel. He was good but was he good enough? In Kurt’s mind, probably not. This was a singing competition not a dancing competition. Okay so Sam could dance. Dancing would not win sectionals. Blaine tried to soothe his nerves by reminding him that Sam was much better than the band recruits but Kurt was still skeptical. He was doubtful they would place at sectionals. Despite all of his worries, Kurt continued to attend glee practices. They were the highlight of his day as he could see all of his friends and spend more quality time with Blaine. He joined the group in practicing the choreography, no matter how pointless it seemed, and kept his thoughts to himself. He was shocked when Puck spoke up during rehearsal, expressing Kurt’s own concerns.

“Why does this even matter? We’re not going to win. Not without the girls,” Puck said in frustration.

“He’s right.” Kurt nodded.

“When the girls are up there dancing and bouncing around you can’t help but watch them,” Rory said sadly.

“That’s it then. We’ll take what’s most appealing about us as a group and use it to our advantage,” Will said with excitement. He couldn’t believe the idea hadn’t struck him sooner.

“How about something like this?” Blaine asked as he took several steps forward and spun around.

“Cute,” Kurt commented.

“Okay, stop,” Sam said as he pushed himself out of his chair. “Blaine, this,” Sam spun around, “is totally boy band. What we need to sell is sex.” Sam added a body roll for emphasis.

“What the hell is that?” Blaine asked.

“It’s a body roll,” Sam answered as though it was obvious.

“That’s not a body roll,” Blaine disagreed. He pointedly looked away as the other boys tried out the move.

“That is sex,” Sam said as he repeated the motion.

“Sam, that’s awesome. That’s _exactly_ what we need,” Finn said as he got to his feet.

“This is _not_ what we need,” Blaine disagreed. He couldn’t help but feel that Finn was only agreeing with Sam because Blaine was in disagreement. “We don’t have to resort to _that_. It’s cheap and it’s selling out.”

“I came back to win,” Sam said heatedly. “When you’re desperate you have to use your assets and this is our asset.”

“Of course you think that. You have to think that in order to sleep at night,” Blaine said angrily.

Kurt couldn’t believe Blaine had said that. He knew things were about to get ugly but he knew Blaine would not want him to fight his battles for him so he stayed put despite how badly he wanted to fix the situation.

“What the hell does that mean?” Sam asked though Blaine’s meaning was clear.

“It means that I’m not for _sale_ ,” Blaine said angrily.

Sam shoved Blaine but Finn and Will were there to push them apart before things got out of hand. Blaine walked out of the room after yelling back, “Forget it!”

Kurt’s instinct was to go after Blaine but as he moved to do so Finn stopped him. He looked up in confusion when he felt Finn’s hand on his arm.

“Let me go,” Finn said, not releasing Kurt’s arm.

“I don’t know,” Kurt said hesitantly.

“I know things haven’t been great between me and Blaine but let me go now. I can fix this,” Finn said earnestly.

Kurt sighed heavily. He wanted Finn and Blaine to have a good relationship but he needed to make sure Blaine was okay. Finn noticed this and squeezed his arm slightly in reassurance.

“If he needs you I’ll text you immediately,” Finn told him.

Kurt bit his lip but nodded. “Okay. But if I don’t hear from either of you in ten minutes I’m coming after you.”

“Okay,” Finn said with a smile before he started after Blaine. He found Blaine in the locker room, beating a punching bag. “Is that Sam’s face?”

“Yeah, yours too,” Blaine added as an afterthought. He glanced over at Finn, amused to see the surprised look on his face. “After being bullied for years I took up boxing. I also started the Dalton branch of fight club, which I obviously can’t talk about. What _is_ your problem with me anyway? Ever since I transferred you’ve given me nothing but crap.”

“Honestly, I was jealous,” Finn admitted slowly. “I felt threatened by your talent. You made me question whether I was good enough. Look, I’m sorry. I’ve been acting horribly towards you and you did nothing to deserve it, especially after _everything_ that you’ve done for Kurt. All of us need to be on the same page or we’re going to lose this competition.”

“What do you need me to do?” Blaine asked as his anger faded.

“We have the opportunity to be remembered at this school for the rest of our lives for doing the impossible. That begins right here with us. I want to be able to look across the stage at you and know that we did everything we could with no regrets,” Finn said.

Blaine pulled a glove off one of his hands, raising it to bump against Finn’s. “Let’s get back to work.”

“All right,” Finn said with a smile. “But you should probably shower first.”

“Good idea.” Blaine chuckled. “Kurt, you can come in now!”

Kurt poked his head in around the door. “How did you know I was out there?”

“Where else would you be?” Blaine asked affectionately.

“I’ll leave you two alone,” Finn said as he backed out of the room.

“Thank you, Finn,” Kurt said before the boy made it out the door.

"No problem,” Finn answered.

Kurt turned to Blaine, pulled off his other glove before unwrapping his hands tenderly. He pressed a kiss to each hand before steering Blaine towards the showers. Blaine turned the water on, letting it get warm as he undressed. He slipped under the stream of water, sighing as the warm temperature helped him to relax.

“Do you want to tell me what that was all about?” Kurt asked from where he stood across the room.

Blaine pushed his hair back from his eyes, reaching for the soap. “Finn apologized for being a jerk.”

"That’s not what I meant and you know it,” Kurt said.

Blaine didn’t answer until he was out of the shower, a towel wrapped securely around his waist. He dressed quickly before taking Kurt’s hands in his, looking him deep in the eyes as he spoke. “The way that Sam was talking about sex so casually bothers me. I don’t want sex to just be about fun for us because it never has been. It’s _special_ and I don’t want anything to take away from that.”

Kurt’s expression softened. He wrapped his arms around Blaine’s neck before he responded. “Nothing will _ever_ take away from that, Blaine, because it’s not just sex for us. It’s showing each other how much we love one another. We love each other and every second we spend together is special, even if it’s just lying around the house watching TV with my dad.”

Blaine smiled widely. “I love you so much.”

“I love you too. Now we should probably get out of here before someone comes to find us,” Kurt said as he pulled away from his boyfriend.

Blaine laughed but followed Kurt out of the locker room.

**K/B**

Kurt watched in horror as Harmony performed “Buenos Aires” with her glee club. He felt things were hopeless now more than ever. Blaine pulled him back in his seat from where he was whispering with Rachel and squeezed his thigh reassuringly.

“Don’t worry. We’re going to win this. We have one thing they don’t have,” Blaine said confidently.

“What’s that?” Kurt asked curiously.

“ _You_ ,” Blaine said affectionately.

Kurt blushed but turned back to the stage as the Troubletones began to sing. The rest of the night was a blur and soon Kurt found himself parked outside of his house. They had won, just as Blaine had predicted. But Kurt was still worried. Blaine could tell but he let Kurt take his time in broaching the subject. He hadn’t been surprised when instead of driving him home Kurt drove him back to the Hudmel residence.

“Will you stay? I really want to cut and I don’t trust myself to be alone,” Kurt said softly. He didn’t turn to Blaine but spoke instead to the windshield.

“Hey,” Blaine took Kurt’s chin in his hand and gently turned him so they were facing one another. “Of course I’ll stay. But you need to talk to your dad.”

“I know,” Kurt said with a sigh. He pushed open his car door and waited for Blaine to do the same before they walked into the house. Burt was waiting for them in the living room as they had taken separate cars to the competition.

“Good job tonight, boys. I’m proud of you,” Burt said with a smile.

“Thanks, Dad,” Kurt said tiredly. Blaine squeezed his hand, reminding him that he was still there. “Can Blaine stay the night, Dad? I’m still really anxious and I don’t trust myself to not do anything.”

Burt’s smile disappeared as it was replaced with concern. He was glad that Kurt had the strength to know when he needed help but he still wished his son was well enough to not need help. But with all the stress the boy had been under lately, he wasn’t surprised that it was affecting him. Burt nodded.

“Of course he can stay. Just leave the door cracked and let me know if you need anything.”

“Thank you, Dad.”

“Thanks, Burt.”

The two boys disappeared into Kurt’s room. They changed quickly, Blaine finishing first and laying down on Kurt’s bed. Kurt climbed up next to him, laying his head down on Blaine’s chest.

“Why are you so anxious?” Blaine asked. The competition was over and he had expected Kurt to feel better after winning. His boyfriend’s anxiety continued to surprise him.

“What if Mercedes doesn’t want to come back to the New Directions even though her glee club lost? What if she doesn’t want anything to do with me?” Kurt asked.

“She will,” Blaine assured him. “Just give her time. I don’t know why anyone would ever walk away from someone as amazing as you.”

“Thank you.” Kurt pressed a kiss to Blaine’s collarbone. “Will you sing to me?”

“Of course, love. Any requests?” Blaine ran a hand through Kurt’s hair.

“Something happy.”

“I can do that.”

Blaine pressed a kiss to the top of Kurt’s head before he began to sing.

_They didn’t have you where I come from._

_Never knew the best was yet to come._

_Life began when I saw your face._

_And I hear your laugh like a serenade._

Blaine wished there was a time when Kurt could truly relax. Now was an example of when he should be happy, but instead he was anxious and depressed. Blaine knew Kurt couldn’t help his emotions but he just wanted to see his boyfriend happy.

_How long do you want to be loved?_

_Is forever enough, is forever enough?_

_How long do you want to be loved?_

_Is forever enough?_

_‘Cause I’m never, never giving you up._

One thing Blaine knew for certain was no matter what happened in the future, Blaine would love Kurt forever. That would never change, no matter how Kurt’s illness affected them both. Blaine would always be there, until Kurt asked him to leave.

_I slip in bed while you’re asleep,_

_To hold you close and feel your breath on me._

_Tomorrow there’ll be so much to do._

_So tonight I’ll drift in a dream with you._

Kurt began to relax as Blaine’s voice washed over him. He loved lying next to Blaine, resting his head on his chest. He felt safer in Blaine’s arms than anywhere else.

_How long do you want to be loved?_

_Is forever enough, is forever enough?_

_How long do you want to be loved?_

_Is forever enough?_

_‘Cause I’m never, never giving you up._

Blaine smiled as he felt the tension leave Kurt’s body. He could see them cuddling similarly five years from now in their own apartment in New York City. He could see them in the future, married with children. They would be happy and healthy, the past no longer haunting either of them.

_As you wander through this troubled world,_

_In search of all things beautiful._

_You can close your eyes when you’re miles away,_

_And hear my voice like a serenade._

Blaine knew Kurt had drifted off to sleep, could tell by the way his breathing had evened out, but he continued to sing as he imagined their future together. Their pasts were both dark and filled with pain. But their future was bright and new.

_How long do you want to be loved?_

_Is forever enough, is forever enough?_

_How long do you want to be loved?_

_Is forever enough?_

_‘Cause I’m never, never giving you –_

_How long do you want to be loved?_

_Is forever enough, is forever enough?_

_How long do you want to be loved?_

_Is forever enough?_

_‘Cause I’m never, never giving you up._

_Is forever enough?_

_‘Cause I’m never, never giving you up._

Blaine pressed a kiss to Kurt’s hair before he allowed slumber to pull him under. The day had been stressful for them both with the competition but tomorrow would be better. The next day, Blaine’s words would ring true as Mercedes returned to the New Directions with Santana, Brittany, and Sugar Motta in tow. Things were beginning to look up.


	25. Chapter 24:  Extraordinary Merry Christmas

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Thank you to everyone who reviewed, favorited, or alerted this story. This chapter takes place during the “Extraordinary Merry Christmas” episode. One of the songs used is in Italian and the translation can be found at the end of the chapter. I hope you enjoy!
> 
> Thank you Maya for suggesting the use of “Easier to Run!”
> 
> Warnings for this chapter: none
> 
> Spoilers for this chapter: 3x09 – Extraordinary Merry Christmas
> 
> Disclaimer: I do not own Glee. “Easier to Run” belongs to Linkin Park. “Un Giorno Per Noi” (“A Time For Us”) is from the 1968 movie Romeo and Juliet. The version I used is by Josh Groban.

Chapter Twenty-Four:  Extraordinary Merry Christmas

Kurt listened in amusement at Finn’s rambling over Christmas presents. Kurt never had any trouble finding the perfect present for anyone that was until this year. He knew exactly what he wanted to get Blaine but he didn’t know if it was too soon to present his boyfriend of nine months with a promise ring. So instead he had settled on some cologne and designer sweaters. Kurt waited until everyone had left the locker room before he tracked down Rachel. There was no way he was going to let his best friend end up with _socks_ as a Christmas present. He was surprised when he saw her alone at her locker. Normally Finn wasn’t far behind her so he knew he only had a few minutes to speak with her.

“We need to talk,” Kurt said as he approached her.

"About what?” Rachel asked as she pulled a book out of her locker and slipped it into her book bag.

“Finn is taking advice on Christmas gifts from the glee guys,” Kurt told her seriously.

“Oh no,” Rachel said with a frown. “How bad is it?”

“Socks,” Kurt replied.

“Don’t worry. I’ll solve this,” Rachel said as she stalked off down the hall towards her next class.

Kurt watched her go, sighing unhappily. He was glad he had helped Rachel avert a Christmas gift crisis. He just hoped his gifts for Blaine would not turn out to be one.

**K/B**

Sue Sylvester was not the type of person to perform a selfless act. That was the main reason why Kurt was surprised that Sue wanted to speak to him, Blaine, and Artie in her office later that day. Kurt and Blaine sat down across from Sue while Artie wheeled himself to Kurt’s other side.

“Wheels, Porcelain, Other Gay,” Sue began. “It is the holiday season and everyone knows that Christmas is a time for forgiveness. I’ve decided to forgive you for having no talent and ruining the American song book with your mash-ups.”

Kurt rolled his eyes to the ceiling. He couldn’t believe she had called them to her office for that.

“Christmas is also a time for giving back,” Sue continued, “Which is why this Friday I am volunteering at the local homeless shelter. I was hoping you and your fellow Glee clubbers would pitch in with the gift of song.”

“Did you just call song _a gift?”_ Kurt asked.

“This is my first Christmas without my sister,” Sue said sadly as she walked to the window. “I’m just trying to keep myself busy.”

Kurt frowned. He knew all too well exactly how Sue felt. The holidays continued to be a hard time for Kurt, even though it had been nine years since his mother’s passing. He looked at Blaine, the couple having a silent conversation with their eyes. Kurt turned back to Sue.

“We’d be happy to help.”

The boys gathered their things and left, bidding Artie farewell as they walked towards the student parking lot. Blaine didn’t ask Kurt if he was okay, trying to let him express his feelings in his own time. But he knew Kurt well enough to know that if he was trying to run from something he would push it as far down as he could. The car ride to Kurt’s house was silent. They grabbed their messenger bags from the backseat before heading in out of the cold. Kurt froze the second he walked into the living room. A magnificent Christmas tree was on display, complete with garland, lights, ornaments, and an angel tree topper.

“Are you okay?” Blaine asked, walking up behind him.

"That’s my mom’s angel. She made it herself,” Kurt said tearfully. He didn’t wait to hear Blaine’s reply, instead continuing on up to his room as if nothing had happened.

“Kurt,” Blaine said when he entered the room. Kurt was lying on his bed facing the wall, his shoulders shaking with silent sobs. Blaine lay down beside him, pulling him into his arms. Kurt rolled over, burying his face in Blaine’s chest as he finally let his wall down.

“I miss her _so_ much. I can’t help but think everything would be easier if she were still here. My life wouldn’t be what it is now. I wouldn’t always be trying to run and hide,” Kurt spoke through his tears.

“You can’t torment yourself with what ifs, Kurt. They don’t help you in any way. I know it’s hard, and I know your instinct is to push these thoughts away or to hurt yourself but you _won’t_ get better if you _don’t_ feel. You can’t keep running forever, Kurt.”

Several minutes passed by until Blaine realized Kurt was once again snapping a rubber band against his wrist. Blaine pulled the offending object off of Kurt’s wrist, slipping it into his pocket against Kurt’s protests.

“Dr. Madsen told me to do that!” Kurt said angrily.

“Yes but I don’t think she meant for you to do it so much that it left bruises and welts,” Blaine said as he extended Kurt’s wrist so he could see the damage that had been done. He pressed soft kisses to his enflamed wrist. “I know it helps and it’s better than cutting yourself . . . but please try something else. You’re still hurting yourself by doing this and it kills me.”

“What do you want me to do?” Kurt asked helplessly.

“You can always try singing about it,” Blaine answered softly.

Kurt nodded, wracking his brain for a song that fit his current state of emotions. He slipped away from Blaine to queue up a song on his iPod playlist. As the song began to play he climbed back into bed. Blaine had moved to sit with his back against the headboard so Kurt sat between his legs, leaning his back against Blaine’s front.

_It’s easier to run,_

_Replacing this pain with something numb._

_It’s so much easier to go;_

_Than face all this pain here all alone._

When Kurt’s mother died, he tried to act indifferent in public. Obviously he was devastated but that didn’t mean the entire world had to see his weakness. That was when Kurt first erected his wall, only letting it down when his father was around or he was alone in his room. He knew his father was grieving too and would only worry more if Kurt appeared nonattached from the entire situation. What Kurt didn’t know then was that was only the beginning.

_Something has been taken from deep inside of me._

_A secret I’ve kept locked away no one can ever see._

_Wounds so deep they never show, they never go away._

_Like moving pictures in my head for years and years they’ve played._

When Elizabeth Hummel succumbed to cancer, Kurt was only eight. He had never experienced any type of loss in his life before. His mother’s death taught him how to cope with his emotions but the problem was Kurt never did cope with them. By only allowing himself to express his emotions in private, he effectively ran from the situation. And he had been running ever since. To this day, not many people knew of the gaping hole left behind by his mother. Biting his lip to keep from crying, Kurt listened as Blaine began to rap.

_If I could change I would take back the pain I would._

_Retrace every wrong move that I made I would._

_If I could stand up and take the blame I would._

_If I could take all the shame to the grave I would._

_If I could change I would take back the pain I would._

_Retrace every wrong move that I made I would._

_If I could stand up and take the blame I would._

_I would take all my shame to the grave._

Blaine wished he could travel back to the first time Kurt cut and stop him. Maybe then things would be better. But at the same time he knew wishing would do no good. He couldn’t change what had happened but he _could_ accept it and help Kurt find a new healthy way to cope with his emotions. Blaine knew Kurt was ashamed about his cutting and that was why he rarely spoke about it to anyone that wasn’t Blaine or his therapist, but he wished he would open up more to other people. He was tired of his boyfriend running from his problems. Blaine hooked his chin over Kurt’s shoulder as Kurt’s voice rose to join his.

_It’s easier to run,_

_Replacing this pain with something numb._

_It’s so much easier to go._

_Than face all this pain here all alone._

_Sometimes I remember the darkness of my past,_

_Bringing back these memories I wish I didn’t have._

_Sometimes I think of letting go and never looking back._

_And never moving forward so there’d never be a past._

Kurt’s past had haunted him for a long time, and he worried that it would continue to do so for the rest of his life. He wished he could only look forward and not back but at the same time he knew if he didn’t look back he would never learn from his mistakes. And some days Kurt felt like he couldn’t afford to make any more mistakes.

_If I could change I would take back the pain I would._

_Retrace every wrong move that I made I would._

_If I could stand up and take the blame I would._

_If I could take all the shame to the grave I would._

_If I could change I would take back the pain I would._

_Retrace every wrong move that I made I would._

_If I could stand up and take the blame I would._

_I would take all my shame to the grave._

Blaine continued to worry that things would get worse again. It had been two weeks since Kurt had hurt himself and Blaine was proud of him. Kurt made Blaine proud each day that passed without Kurt giving into his urges to self-harm. But a part of him wondered if he would make it this time or if he would relapse again. Of course, Blaine never mentioned these fears to Kurt. He tried not to let his boyfriend know just how much he worried about him.

_Just washing it aside,_

_All of the helplessness inside._

_Pretending I don’t feel misplaced._

_It’s so much simpler than change._

Blaine knew he had to get Kurt to stop pretending, if only for a little while each day. Pretending that nothing was wrong when Kurt was an emotional mess did nothing to help him. But Blaine had no idea how to get Kurt to listen to him.

_It’s easier to run._

_Replacing this pain with something numb._

_It’s so much easier to go._

_Than face all this pain here all alone._

_It’s easier to run._

_(If I could change I would take back the pain I would.)_

_(Retrace every wrong move that I made.)_

_It’s easier to go._

_(If I could change I would take back the pain I would.)_

_(Retrace every wrong move that I made I would.)_

_(If I could stand up and take the blame I would.)_

_(I would take all my shame to the grave.)_

“How are you feeling?” Blaine asked, continuing to hold Kurt close.

“Tired,” Kurt answered, letting his eyes drift closed. Blaine moved so they were lying down with Kurt’s head resting on his chest.

“Get some sleep, love,” Blaine told him. He placed a kiss to Kurt’s forehead, watching over him for a while as he slept. Several hours passed before Blaine knew he had to return home. Slipping out from under his boyfriend, he placed a gentle kiss to his lips before he headed home.

**K/B**

The next two days were eventful with Will announcing the New Directions would be filming their own Christmas special for the local news station. Artie, who had consented to be director, had wasted no time to start planning. The next day, the entire club met to discuss their ideas.

“We begin in the Swiss alps at the home of Blaine Anderson and Kurt Hummel,” Artie said as he rolled over to the boys in question.

Blaine smiled and elbowed Kurt playfully, who pasted on his fake smile. Kurt did his best to act excited but Blaine could tell something was bothering him. After the meeting ended, Blaine followed Kurt to his Navigator.

“Okay, what’s wrong?” he asked when Kurt didn’t say a word to him.

“It’s the Christmas program,” Kurt said as he placed his messenger bag in the backseat of his car.

“What about it? I thought you’d be excited,” Blaine said as he climbed into the passenger seat.

“I am excited I guess,” Kurt said indifferently.

“ _No_ , you’re not. Now please tell me what’s wrong,” Blaine pleaded.

Kurt didn’t answer immediately. He waited until they had driven to Kurt’s house and disappeared into the safety of his bedroom. Once there, he finally turned to Blaine, letting his carefully crafted wall down.

“I just wish we could be ourselves for the program. I don’t want to pretend to be just friends. I love you more than anything and I want everyone to know. What’s so wrong with that?” Kurt asked sadly.

Blaine’s face softened. He kissed Kurt long and lovingly, pulling back to murmur against his lips, “Absolutely _nothing_ is wrong with that.”

Kurt sighed, moving to sit on his bed. Blaine frowned, following him.

“It’s not always going to be this way, Kurt. One day we won’t just be pretending to host Christmas for our accepting friends and family at our own house. Next year, _everything_ will be different. We’ll be in New York where we’ll be free to be ourselves. We can share our love with the entire city without fear of hate and prejudice,” Blaine said.

Kurt smiled softly, leaning in to kiss Blaine. “I can’t wait.”

“We’ll have our time, I promise,” Blaine said with a smile. And before he could stop himself, he was singing.

_Un giorno sai, per noi verr_ _á_

_La libert_ _á di amarci qui senza limiti_

_E fiorir_ _á il sogno a noi negato_

_Si sveler_ _á l’amor celato ormai_

_Un giorno sai, per vivere_

_La vita che ci sfugge qui._

Kurt laughed as Blaine pulled him up off the bed and into his arms. Blaine placed lowered his hands to Kurt’s hips, smiling widely as Kurt wrapped his arms around Blaine’s neck. As they slowly spun around, Kurt stepped closer to Blaine so there was barely any space in between them.

_L’amore in noi superer_ _á_

_Gli ostacoli e le maree delle avversit_ _á_

_E ci sar_ _á anche per noi nel mondo_

_Un tempo in cui l’amore vincer_ _á_

_Per te per me_

Blaine looked deep into Kurt’s eyes as he sang. He knew Kurt hadn’t the faintest idea of what the words meant but he hoped his eyes would convey the message as they moved together on their makeshift dance floor.

_L’amore in noi superer_ _á_

_Gli ostacoli e le maree delle avversit_ _á_

_E ci sar_ _á anche per noi nel mondo_

_Un tempo in cui l’amore vincer_ _á_

_Un tempo in cui l’amore vincer_ _á._

“That was _beautiful_ ,” Kurt said as the song ended. They stopped dancing but Blaine still held Kurt close. “But I didn’t understand one word of it.”

Blaine chuckled.

“It meant we will have our time together, someday soon. _Nothing_ can take our love away from us.” He pulled Kurt’s body flush against his own and kissed him deeply. Neither boy could wait until they were in New York and free to be themselves.

**K/B**

The instant Sue Sylvester appeared in the choir room, Kurt knew nothing good was going to come of it. And sure enough, the night they were to sing for the homeless was the same night they were set to film their Christmas Spectacular. He watched Sue stride out of the choir room, wishing he could do something to fix the situation. Kurt was so deep in thought he didn’t notice that the rest of the glee club had left. Only he and Blaine remained.

“This isn’t your fault,” Blaine told him quietly. He knew the instant Sue had spoken that Kurt would blame himself for the situation.

“I can’t believe I forgot about Sue. I feel horrible,” Kurt said as he grabbed his messenger bag and started towards the door.

“You weren’t the only person who forgot. Artie and I did too,” Blaine reminded him.

“I know, but it’s different for me. I _know_ what Sue’s going through. The first Christmas after my mom died was the worst. Dad undercooked the turkey and forgot the cranberry sauce. He tried _so_ hard to make up for Mom not being there but in the end nothing could keep us from feeling her absence,” Kurt said sadly.

“I know it’s hard for you and I’m sure it’s hard for Sue as well, but that doesn’t mean _any part of this_ is your fault. Don’t get yourself worked up over it,” Blaine said.

“I’m just trying to get through the holidays, Blaine,” Kurt said as he walked away. Blaine, not knowing what to say, followed after him helplessly.

**K/B**

The Christmas Spectacular turned out beautifully, and the New Directions even had time to help out at the homeless shelter. Kurt was happy they had been able to keep their promise to Sue, though he still felt slightly guilty about forgetting in the first place. But he did his best to push those thoughts behind him and enjoy his last day of school before the Christmas break. He closed his locker, shouldered his messenger bag and headed towards the parking lot. He was glad the day was over.

“Hey, wait up!” Blaine called out.

Kurt turned around, smiling at the sight of his boyfriend. “I thought you had left already.”

“Not quite,” Blaine said as he stopped a foot away from Kurt. “There’s one last thing I had to do first.”

“What’s that?” Kurt asked curiously.

“We’ve both spent a lot of time this past year thinking about what we don’t have. . . . I don’t want to do that anymore. I want to focus on what we _do_ have . . . which is each other.” Kurt’s eyes widened as Blaine reached into his pocket and pulled out a jewelry box. “I know it isn’t Christmas yet but I couldn’t wait a second longer to give this to you.”

Blaine laid the small box in the palm of his hand, outstretched towards Kurt. He slowly pulled the lid off to reveal his present. Nestled inside the box was a ring, but not just any ring. It was a ring made entirely from gum wrappers. Kurt gasped in surprise.

“It’s a promise ring. This isn’t what you deserve but it’s the best I can give you right now until my trust fund kicks in,” Blaine said as he gently pulled the ring out of the box and slid it onto Kurt’s left ring finger.

“It’s _perfect_ ,” Kurt assured him. He laughed. “You know I wanted to get you a promise ring too but I didn’t want to scare you so I talked myself out of it.”

“You wouldn’t have scared me,” Blaine told him earnestly.

“Obviously,” Kurt said with a smile.

Blaine lifted Kurt’s left hand to his lips and pressed a kiss where the handmade ring rested on his finger. “I love you and I want to spend the rest of my life with you. We’re too young to be engaged but I want _everyone_ to know that my heart belongs to you.”

“And vice versa,” Kurt added.

“And vice versa,” Blaine repeated with a grin before he brought their lips together in a loving kiss.

**K/B**

Kurt was sitting on the couch in the living room when Burt returned home from a long day at work. The TV was on but Kurt hadn’t a clue what was playing. He was too busy looking at his promise ring to even notice when his father walked into the room. Burt look one look at his son’s hand and froze.

“What is that?” Burt asked.

Kurt jumped, shocked to find he was no longer home alone. “Dad, I didn’t hear you come in.”

“I just got home. What’s that on your finger? Is that _a ring?”_ Burt asked.

“It is,” Kurt confirmed. “Blaine made it himself out of gum wrappers.”

“Blaine made you an engagement ring out of _gum wrappers,”_ Burt repeated incredulously.

 _“What?!_ No!” Kurt corrected his father quickly. “It’s a promise ring!”

“What’s the promise?” Burt questioned as he sank down into his recliner.

“I know we’re young, Dad, but Blaine’s it for me. We’re too young to be engaged but we love each other and we want to be together forever,” Kurt told his father gently.

“Forever’s a long time, kiddo,” Burt told him.

“Not long enough when you’re in love,” Kurt countered.

“Shouldn’t Blaine have talked to me before giving you a ring?” Burt asked.

“Dad, you _like_ Blaine,” Kurt reminded him.

“I liked him before he gave you a promise ring,” Burt said.

“What’s wrong with giving me a promise ring? It’s not like we’re going to elope tomorrow. It’s not an engagement,” Kurt said as he got to his feet.

Burt sighed. “You’re right. I’m sorry. It’s just . . . you’re growing up and you’ll be leaving for college soon. I’m not ready to lose you yet.”

“You’re not losing me, Dad. No matter what I will _always_ be your son.” Kurt walked over to hug his dad. “I love you.”

“I love you too, son. And if anyone had to take you away from me you could do a lot worse than Blaine,” Burt said as way of giving his consent.

“Thanks, Dad.”

“You’re welcome, kid. I’m glad you’re happy.”

“I am, Dad.”

And for once, Kurt was really truly happy. There was no cloud of depression hanging over him at the moment. He was happier than he had been in years. And that was something worth celebrating.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Here is the English translation of “Un Giorno Per Noi ” otherwise known as the Love Theme from Romeo and Juliet. I apologize if the translation is wrong; I got it off of the internet as I only speak German and English, not Italian.
> 
> A time for us, someday there’ll be,  
> When chains are torn by courage born of a love that’s free.  
> A time when dreams so long denied can flourish,  
> As we unveil the love we no must hide.
> 
> A time for us, at last to see,  
> A life worthwhile for you and me.  
> And with our love, through tears and thorns,  
> We will endure as we pass surely through every storm.
> 
> A time for us, someday there’ll be a new world,  
> A world of shining hope for you and me.  
> For you and me.  
> And with our love, through tears and thorns,  
> We will endure as we pass surely through every storm.
> 
> A time for us, someday there’ll be a new world.  
> A world of shining hope for you and me.  
> A world of shining hope for you and me.


	26. Chapter 25:  Yes/No

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Thanks to everyone who reviewed, alerted, or favorited this story! I would like to thank Maya who was the inspiration for this chapter. It takes place during the “Yes/No” episode.
> 
> Warnings for this chapter: self-harm
> 
> Spoilers for this chapter: 3x10 – Yes/No
> 
> Disclaimer: I do not own Glee. “Pages” belongs to 3 Doors Down. “All I Ask of You” belongs to Andrew Lloyd Webber.

Chapter Twenty-Five:  Yes/No

A month had passed since Christmas break, and Kurt found himself longingly looking back at the days spent carefree relaxing with his boyfriend. The new school semester had brought all of Kurt’s anxieties to the surface once more. And again, NYADA was at the forefront of his mind. The highlight of his day remained, as always, glee club. So when Will ran into the room Monday afternoon Kurt was eager to get practice started.

The club read aloud as Will wrote “Marry Me?” on the whiteboard. He turned around when he was done.  A huge grin was plastered on his face as he announced, “Yes, I am proposing to Miss Pillsbury.”

Will allowed the club a few minutes to cheer and offer congratulations before he continued. “This is the kind of news you share with family and you guys _are_ my family. Guys, this has got to be _perfect_. So your assignment for the week is to come up with a proposal number.”

When the club was dismissed, Kurt headed towards his locker to drop off several unneeded textbooks before heading home. Blaine followed him, eyeing him carefully.

“Are you okay? You haven’t spoken much since Mr. Schue’s announcement,” Blaine finally said.

“I’m fine. Just jealous,” Kurt admitted as he unlocked his locker.

“Jealous?” Blaine asked, raising an eyebrow.

Kurt opened his locker door, pausing to look at Blaine. “I just wish we had the option of marriage.”

Blaine sighed, reaching for Kurt’s hands. “I know, love. And one day, when the time is right and we’re old enough, we will have the wedding of our dreams.”

“ _Legally_ ,” Kurt stressed. He sighed unhappily. “I hate how unfair the world is. Who is the government to say who we can and can’t love?”

“I know. I wish things were different too. But I know nothing will stop me from being with you for the rest of my life,” Blaine said as he brought Kurt’s hands to his lips.

Kurt smiled, returning his attention to his locker. One day, he would marry Blaine Anderson. Blaine was right. Nothing could stop them from being together forever.

**K/B**

The week was passing quickly what with the excitement over Will’s proposal. Thursday evening found Kurt at Breadstix with Finn and Rachel. Kurt’s depression had returned and Rachel had hoped to cheer her friend up with dinner. Her efforts were failing though as Finn seemed almost as down as Kurt was. Kurt only wished Blaine had been there, but his parents were hosting a cocktail party and Blaine’s presence was mandatory.

“No wonder none of my dreams ever come true. I come from loser DNA,” Finn said morosely. He was still trying to cope with the news that his father had not died a war hero as he had thought but instead a drug addict.

“If you’re throwing a pity party, I want in,” Kurt said glumly. “I have as much chance of getting into NYADA as I do playing Stanley in _Street Car_.”

“The letters came out today saying who the finalists were,” Rachel told him. “Some people have already gotten theirs.”

“Did you get one?” Finn asked.

“No and I’m not going to. Not with the suspension on my permanent record,” Rachel said.

Kurt listened to her, his mood only worsening. “Screw this I’m getting a whole cheesecake.” He snapped his fingers for a waiter. “The future used to be some abstract idea that seemed so far off. The dream used to be enough. But now the future has the nerve to show up and it’s expecting us to do something and it isn’t interested in giving a lending hand.”

The evening continued much the same way until Kurt finally announced it was time to call it a night. He was struggling enough as it was and listening to Finn and Rachel whine was not helping him fight his urges to self-harm. He knew Rachel had meant well in inviting him to dinner, but it hadn’t helped.

**K/B**

The proposal went off without a hitch, and of course Emma accepted. The glee club left Will and Emma after offering words of congratulations, knowing the two would want a moment alone. After changing out of their swimsuits, Finn, Kurt, Blaine, and Rachel met in the parking lot.

“So what are the plans for tonight? It’s Friday night,” Blaine asked as Rachel joined them.

“Dad and Carole are going out on a date so I was just going to hang out around the house. We can all have dinner together,” Kurt suggested.

“That sounds perfect,” Rachel said with a smile. “We need some relaxation after all the excitement this week.”

“Great. We’ll meet at the house,” Kurt said. He turned to open the car door for Blaine, giving him a quick peck on the lips before closing the door behind him. Kurt noticed Finn giving him a weird look but chose to ignore it.

Once they had regrouped at the Hudmel house, Kurt and Blaine set about cooking dinner while Finn and Rachel chatted from the kitchen table. After everyone had served themselves, they made their way to the table. Kurt pulled Blaine’s chair out for him, smiling as Blaine sat down and Kurt pushed the chair in. Again, he noticed Finn watching them but tried to ignore it.

“Wasn’t the proposal _perfect_?” Rachel asked after several minutes of silence.

“It was perfect for them,” Kurt agreed. He turned to Blaine, winking as he spoke. “I think I’d prefer something more private. Just the two of us.”

Blaine laughed. “One day, you will get your dream proposal to go along with your dream wedding,” Blaine promised him.

“I know. I already have the dream guy,” Kurt said as he leaned over to kiss Blaine quickly. He stood from the table, taking Blaine’s empty plate from him and placing it with his own plate in the dishwasher. When he returned to the table, Finn was watching him once more.

“It’s funny,” Finn said after Kurt had sat down. “But I always thought you were the girl.”

“What do you mean?” Kurt asked slowly, though he had a good idea of exactly what Finn meant.

“I just always thought you were the girl in your relationship,” Finn said before taking a sip of water.

Blaine looked up at Kurt, not surprised to see his eyes brimmed with tears. Kurt wrapped his arms around his middle, trying to hold himself together. Blaine turned on Finn.

“Do you know how _offensive_ that is? Do you even realize how much you just hurt your stepbrother?” Blaine asked harshly.

“There’s nothing wrong with being a girl,” Finn said, confused.

“Of course there isn’t! But he’s _not_ a girl!” Blaine shouted. “There is no girl in a relationship with two _guys_ , Finn!”

“Isn’t there?” Finn asked, not catching on. “I mean someone has to be the bottom.”

“Not that I want to go into any details but sex with two men doesn’t always have to have a standard. You’re allowed to have your preferences and you’re allowed to switch. There are still two _men_ in the relationship!” Blaine exclaimed.

Kurt wasn’t listening to Blaine and Finn anymore. Finn’s comment had stirred up a lot of feelings in Kurt that he thought were long gone. Once again, he was reminded that he was too feminine. Too imperfect. Too weak. But Kurt remembered how to make himself strong and there was only one way to do so. Kurt pushed back from the table, hurrying out of the room before anyone could stop him. Blaine was too busy screaming at Finn to notice immediately but Rachel had watched him leave. Rachel acted on instinct.

 _“Kurt, don’t!”_ she yelled. She took off after him, not waiting on the other two to catch up with what was happening.

Blaine heard Rachel yell and knew immediately what Kurt was about to do. He flew up the stairs just as Rachel was entering Kurt’s room. Kurt was sitting on the floor next to his messenger bag, razorblade already in hand. Blaine hurried to his side, trying to pull the razor out of Kurt’s grasp.

 _“No!”_ Kurt screamed. He managed to wrench himself free of Blaine’s grasp, running into his bathroom. He tried to shut the door but Blaine jammed it with his foot. He pushed the door open, making another grab for the razor as Kurt brought it down to his skin.

Blaine grasped Kurt’s hand in his, pulling the blade away from his wrist. Kurt was holding on tightly. Rachel and Finn were unable to do anything but watch in horror as they wrestled for the razor. Kurt was trying to pull it towards himself as Blaine pulled it away from him. Finally, Blaine overpowered him and managed to fling the razor across the room.

 _“No!_ Don’t, _please!_ Just let me _fix it!”_ Kurt screamed. He fell to his knees, completely broken. “I can’t. I’m weak. Just let me make myself strong again.”

Blaine was crying now too. He hated seeing Kurt in so much pain. He knew what Finn had said had hurt him and brought him back to all the times he had been bullied. Blaine pulled Kurt into his arms, holding him as tight as possible without hurting him. Kurt sobbed against his chest, his hand clutching Blaine’s shirt.

“Please, just make it go away,” Kurt pleaded. He began to struggle against Blaine again, but Blaine wasn’t giving in. He continued to hold Kurt close, not letting him escape his arms.

“I can’t, Kurt. I _can’t_. Watching you hurt yourself _kills_ me. I _won’t_ let you do it,” Blaine said through his tears.

Kurt stopped struggling but only to move his hands to his upper arms under the sleeves of his shirt. He dug his nails into his arms, breaking the skin easily. Too late, Blaine realized what he was doing and took Kurt’s hands in his, holding them away from his body. Kurt struggled for a few seconds before collapsing against Blaine. Blaine pressed his cheek to the top of Kurt’s head as he began to sing.

_What happens to a man when,_

_He spills his heart on a page and,_

_He watches words flow away then._

_His feelings lie on the page alone,_

_There waiting,_

_For someone who cares to read them._

_To open their eyes to see them,_

_To see if they can make his thoughts their own,_

_To find out that maybe your life's not perfect._

_Maybe it's not worth what he gives away._

For Blaine, it was never a struggle to be with Kurt. It was never a struggle to love Kurt. But it was a struggle to watch Kurt when he was in so much pain. Blaine knew it was selfish, but he wished Kurt knew how much it hurt Blaine to watch him put himself through this. Seeing Kurt fresh with his own blood, a blade in his hand, trying to stop the pain – that hurt Blaine more than anything else ever could.

_You can see that this broken soul is bleeding._

_So you concede your feelings inside yourself,_

_And wander through my heart._

_Letting you see through me,_

_Now only consumes me._

_Forget your pain, watch me fall apart._

Hearing Kurt beg for the blade broke Blaine’s heart. He hoped Kurt would understand in the morning why he had done what he had done. But for now he knew Kurt was likely to be upset with him for stopping him. But if it kept Kurt from hurting himself, Blaine would take it.

_What happens to a soul when,_

_It's trapped inside his emotions._

_And all of these words he's spoken,_

_They bind him to the life he's left behind._

_And every new step he takes,_

_He knows that he might not make it._

_To all of these dreams that he has yet to find._

Blaine wished Kurt would reach for something else before he reached for the razor. And sometimes he did. Sometimes Kurt would sing out his feelings, or talk them out. But tonight something had snapped inside Kurt’s mind and he needed the razor more than ever. And he had been willing to do it in front of Blaine, which had only happened once before. That fact alone scared Blaine more than anything.

_Maybe your life's not perfect,_

_But maybe it's not worth what he gives away._

_You can see that this broken soul is bleeding._

_So you concede your feelings inside yourself,_

_And wander through my heart._

_Letting you see through me,_

_Now only consumes me._

_Forget your pain and watch me fall apart._

_As I fall apart._

In the morning, Blaine would attempt to talk to Kurt. They would have to schedule an emergency session with Dr. Madsen. But that was a small price to pay for Kurt not hurting himself. He knew Kurt had learned to cope in this way, and now that he had the damage was done. Blaine was just trying to undo that damage without getting hurt in the process.

_You can see that this broken soul is bleeding._

_So you concede your feelings inside yourself,_

_And wander through my heart._

_Letting you see through me,_

_Now only consumes me._

_Forget your pain and watch me fall apart._

_As I fall apart._

Kurt was reduced to small whimpers as he continued to cry. Blaine held Kurt for a while longer before he got to his feet, lifting Kurt easily into his arms. Finn and Rachel moved out of his way so Blaine could deposit Kurt on the bed. Finn took a step towards them.

“Dude, I’m _sorry_. I didn’t mean to upset him,” Finn said. “I honestly didn’t think it would bother him.”

“That’s the problem, Finn. You didn’t _think_ ,” Blaine said, trying to keep his temper in check. “But I don’t think this was completely your fault. He’s been having a hard week. What you said probably brought up a lot of old memories that he could have done without remembering.”

“That’s the point. I should have seen he was having a bad week. Hell, I never should have spoken to him that way to begin with,” Finn said guiltily.

“Kurt’s emotionally fragile, Finn,” Rachel said from his side. “You just need to try to remember that.”

“Let’s talk about this tomorrow,” Blaine said before Finn could respond. “For now, let me take care of Kurt.”

Finn and Rachel both nodded, leaving the room together. After they left Blaine went back into Kurt’s bathroom. He found hydrogen peroxide under the sink as well as some cotton balls. Returning to the bedroom, Blaine pulled Kurt up to a sitting position. He grasped the hem of Kurt’s shirt, pulling it over his head. Blaine cleaned Kurt’s scratches gently. They had already stopped bleeding but he wiped the dried blood away. When he was done, he found a pair of pajama pants in Kurt’s dresser. He grabbed two pairs, one for Kurt and one for himself. He helped Kurt out of his skinny jeans and into the pajama pants. Blaine made sure Kurt had laid back down against the pillows before changing himself.

Blaine slipped into bed beside Kurt, trusting Finn to explain the situation to Burt and Carole when they returned home. Blaine smiled when Kurt curled into his side, laying his head over Blaine’s heart on his bare chest. He knew Kurt found the skin-to-skin contact comforting which was why he neglected to find shirts for either of them. Kurt would fall asleep not long after, but Blaine stayed awake for hours, watching over his boyfriend.

**K/B**

The next morning, Kurt woke before Blaine. He watched Blaine sleep for a while before he couldn’t resist any longer and pressed their lips together in a soft kiss. When he pulled back, Blaine slowly opened his eyes.

“Hey,” Blaine said softly.

“Hey yourself,” Kurt answered.

Blaine sat up, stretching his arms high above his head. Kurt twisted his hands in his lap nervously.

“I’m _so_ sorry about yesterday,” Kurt finally said.

“I know. But you didn’t do anything. That’s what matters,” Blaine told him.

“I did though. I scratched myself and I _tried_ to cut. I _would_ have if Rachel hadn’t followed me. If you hadn’t stopped me . . .” Kurt’s voice trailed off.

“It’s hard for me to see you like that,” Blaine said after a while. “I’ve only seen you like that once before. And, honestly, it scares the shit out of me.”

“I’m sorry,” Kurt said. “It was like I couldn’t control myself last night. I just felt so horrible and weak and imperfect. And I knew how to fix it.”

“You shouldn’t have to depend on cutting anymore. I wish you would depend on me,” Blaine said sadly.

“I’m trying.” Kurt looked away.

“I know you are. I just want you to be happy.”

Blaine tilted Kurt’s head so he was looking him in the eyes as he began to sing.

_No more talk of darkness,_

_Forget these wide-eyed fears;_

_I'm here, nothing can harm you,_

_My words will warm and calm you._

_Let me be your freedom,_

_Let daylight dry your tears;_

_I'm here, with you, beside you,_

_To guard you and to guide you._

Blaine’s greatest wish was for Kurt to be able to leave the past behind him. He wanted Kurt to be free from his painful memories. He wanted Kurt to rely on him instead of the razor, to come to him instead of the blade. Kurt smiled at Blaine’s song choice before picking up the chorus.

_Say you love me every waking moment,_

_Turn my head with talk of summertime._

_Say you need me with you now and always;_

_Promise me that all you say is true,_

_That's all I ask of you._

Blaine started the next verse as Kurt finished the chorus. Kurt knew from the beginning that recovery would be a long and hard road. He knew there would be many bumps along the way. But even now, with the events of last night fresh in his mind, he felt he could get through it with Blaine by his side. Blaine gave him strength when he was weak. Blaine loved him and never judged him. Blaine was his light in the darkness. And he always would be.

_Let me be your shelter,_

_Let me be your light;_

_You're safe; no one will find you,_

_Your fears are far behind you._

Blaine knew Kurt was scared. But he would help him get through this. They would make it, one step at a time. And they would have their happily ever after. Blaine smiled at the thought as Kurt began to sing the next verse.

_All I want is freedom,_

_A world with no more night;_

_And you, always beside me,_

_To hold me and to hide me._

Kurt gave his voice a rest as Blaine picked up the chorus this time. He took Blaine’s hands in his, brushing his knuckles against his lips. He could see them five years down the road, living in New York City. They would be happy and healthy. They would have each other and a bright future to look forward to.

_Then say you'll share with me one love, one lifetime;_

_Let me lead you from your solitude._

_Say you need me with you, here beside you,_

_Anywhere you go, let me go too,_

_Christine, that's all I ask of you._

Blaine stopped singing to let Kurt pick up the chorus, listening to his boyfriend’s beautiful voice.

_Say you'll share with me one love, one lifetime;_

_Say the word and I will follow you._

Smiling widely at his best friend and lover, Blaine lifted his voice up to harmonize with Kurt’s.

_Share each day with me,_

_Each night, each morning._

Kurt looked deep into Blaine’s eyes as he sang the next line.

_Say you love me!_

Blaine brought up a hand to cup Kurt’s cheek as he answered him.

_You know I do._

Again, their voices mingled together in a beautiful harmony.

_Love me, that's all I ask of you._

_Anywhere you go, let me go too!_

_Love me, that’s all I ask of you._

“I’m _going_ to beat this, Blaine. I promise,” Kurt vowed.

“I know you will,” Blaine answered confidently. He lowered his lips to Kurt’s, kissing him deeply. And they both knew they spoke the truth. Kurt would get better, in time. And even if it took all the time in the world, Blaine would be by his side. Forever.


	27. Chapter 26:  Michael

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Thanks to everyone who reviewed, alerted, or favorited this story! I’m posting this a day early but I’m sick so I figured I better put this up while I can before I pass out on the couch. I hope you enjoy!
> 
> Warnings for this chapter: sexual situations 
> 
> Spoilers for: 3x11 – Michael
> 
> Disclaimer: I do not own Glee. “Broken” is by Seether and featuring Amy Lee. “Somewhere in Between” belongs to Lifehouse.

Chapter Twenty-Six:  Michael

Everyone in New Directions was excited at the prospect of performing Michael Jackson again. Kurt welcomed the distraction from what had happened two weeks ago, which continued to plague his thoughts and mind. And when Artie suggested they meet for coffee Kurt jumped at the occasion.

That afternoon, Kurt and Blaine met Artie, Rachel, and Santana for coffee. They were discussing their favorite Michael Jackson memories when Rachel said something that shocked them all.

“I have to be honest; I never really got him,” Rachel said with innocence. Seeing everyone’s reaction she tried to recover. “I think he’s an amazing performer but I never got what he was about.”

“Rachel, the man was best friends with Liza Minnelli _and_ Liz Taylor,” Kurt said as if that was the only explanation she needed.

“What I’m trying to say is I haven’t connected with him like I have with Barbra,” Rachel cut in before anyone else could reprimand her. “But I do think it’s a good idea for regionals.”

“That might not be the best idea,” a snide voice said.

Sebastian Smythe strode up behind Rachel, clutching a coffee cup in his hand. He smiled flirtatiously at Blaine. “Hey Blaine, hello everyone else.”

Blaine looked uncomfortable and didn’t respond. But he knew in an instant that Kurt was less than unhappy with Sebastian’s appearance.

“Does he _live_ here or something? Seriously, you are _always_ here,” Kurt said angrily.

Sebastian ignored him.

“Why don’t you think it’s a good idea?” Artie asked.

“Because we’re doing MJ for regionals. Warblers drew first position,” Sebastian said with a sly grin. “After I heard what you plan is I changed our set list immediately.”

“I’m sorry. How did you hear?” Rachel asked, setting down her coffee.

“Blaine told me this morning,” Sebastian said, winking at Blaine.

Blaine looked away guiltily. “I may have mentioned it.”

But Kurt wasn’t focused on the fact that Blaine had told Sebastian their plans for regionals but the fact that the two were talking and Blaine never told Kurt. “How often do you two talk?”

“Oh hey, Kurt. I didn’t recognize you. You’re wearing _boy_ clothes for once,” Sebastian said snidely.

Kurt bit back the impulse to slap the smug look off of his face. He grinned inwardly when Santana stood up. She could handle Sebastian. Kurt ignored Santana and Sebastian, continuing to look at Blaine, who wasn’t meeting his eyes. When Santana sat back down, Kurt looked up.

“I’m captain of the Warblers now and I’m tired of playing nice,” Sebastian said before he strode out of the Lima Bean.

Kurt didn’t wait to see what the others were doing. He didn’t speak one word before he stood up, grabbed his things and headed out the door to his Navigator. Blaine followed him quickly.

“Kurt, wait up!” Blaine called out. He reached Kurt right as he was stepping into the driver’s seat, pulling on his arm. “Look, I know you’re upset.”

“Oh you do, do you? Did it ever cross your mind to tell me you were speaking to Sebastian, or did you keep it from me because you _knew_ it would bother me? How does he even have your number? After that night at Scandals, I thought we agreed to not have anything to do with him.” Kurt’s cheeks were burning with his anger. He didn’t bother to keep his voice down though he knew everyone in the parking lot was staring at them.

“Kurt, I love you. You _know_ I do. Sebastian is _nothing_ to me. _You_ are my everything. And if it upsets you this much, I won’t talk to him again,” Blaine promised.

Kurt sighed, feeling his anger ebb away. “That isn’t necessary. I trust you. I just wish I hadn’t been blindsided like that. You should have told me you were talking to him.”

“I know. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you,” Blaine said.

“Can we finish this discussion at home?” Kurt asked tiredly.

Blaine nodded, climbing into the car. They drove to Blaine’s house as his parents were out of town on business. They dropped their things by the door in the entrance way before continuing up to Blaine’s room.

“Are you okay?” Blaine asked softly.

Kurt sat down on Blaine’s bed, his head in his hands. Blaine pulled Kurt into his arms, kissing his shoulder. When Kurt lifted his head there were tears in his eyes.

“Baby?” Blaine asked in surprise.

“He’s trying to break us apart, Blaine. I _know_ he is. And I _can’t_ lose you. I couldn’t bear it if I did. I’m _nothing_ without you. I already feel like you’re slipping away from me,” Kurt admitted. Several tears escaped and trailed down his cheeks.

Blaine cupped Kurt’s face in his hands, wiping his tears away with his thumbs. “You’re not going to lose me, Kurt. Sebastian doesn’t mean a _damn_ thing to me. I’m not going anywhere, I promise. I _love_ you.”

Kurt let his wall down completely, letting his tears consume him. He clutched at Blaine’s chest, crying against his neck. Blaine rocked him gently as he began to sing.

_I wanted you to know that I love the way you laugh._

_I wanna hold you high and steal your pain away._

_I keep your photograph and I know it serves me well._

_I wanna hold you high and steal your pain._

Blaine hated seeing Kurt in pain. And this time, knowing it was his fault, killed him. He never wanted to do anything that would hurt Kurt, but he had even if it was inadvertently. As Blaine sang, Kurt’s tears subsided. He was surprised at Blaine’s song choice but didn’t let it stop him from lifting his voice to take over the melody while Blaine harmonized his voice to Kurt’s.

_‘Cause I’m broken when I’m lonesome._

_And I don’t feel right when you’re gone away._

Blaine knew Kurt had all too often felt alone the past few years. This was part of why Kurt hurt himself. He had no one to turn to and no way to cope. It wasn’t just about strengthening himself but also making the pain go away. But Blaine knew in order for Kurt to recover he had to confront his feelings instead of hiding them away. He was proud of Kurt for telling him how he felt today. Kurt’s voice dropped off as Blaine sang the next lines.

_You’re gone away._

_You don’t feel me here anymore._

Blaine had been shocked when Kurt said he felt like Blaine was pulling away from him. He didn’t know what he had done to make Kurt feel that way, but he would do whatever it took to fix it. Blaine stopped singing to listen to Kurt’s beautiful voice, only harmonizing his voice with Kurt’s over a few words.

_The worst is over now and we can breathe again._

_I wanna hold you high, you steal my pain away._

_There’s so much left to learn, and no one left to fight._

_I wanna hold you high and steal your pain._

Talking things out with Blaine had helped Kurt. His heart had seized up when he heard Blaine and Sebastian were talking, but now that they had discussed it he could breathe again. All he wanted was for Blaine to be happy. Kurt never wanted there to be a day where he didn’t make Blaine happy. He knew they had a lot to learn, but Kurt was done trying to fight his feelings. Kurt would open himself up to Blaine completely, even if Kurt got hurt in the process.

_‘Cause I’m broken when I’m open._

_And I don’t feel like I am strong enough._

_‘Cause I’m broken when I’m lonesome._

_And I don’t feel right when you’re gone away._

Blaine held Kurt close, breathing in his scent. No matter how hard Sebastian tried to break them apart, Blaine would never let it happen. Kurt was his entire world and no one was going to take that away from him.

_‘Cause I’m broken when I’m open._

_And I don’t feel like I am strong enough._

_‘Cause I’m broken when I’m lonesome._

_And I don’t feel right when you’re gone away._

_‘Cause I’m broken when I’m lonesome._

_And I don’t feel right when you’re gone away._

_You’re gone away._

Kurt’s voice trailed off as he pressed his face into Blaine’s neck, inhaling deeply. Blaine’s scent was always comforting to him.

_You don’t feel me here anymore._

Kurt lifted his head to kiss Blaine’s jaw. He trailed kisses up his jaw to Blaine’s mouth. He pulled away to whisper, “I love you.”

“I love you too,” Blaine answered immediately.

He pulled Kurt’s lips back to his, kissing him passionately. Blaine opened his mouth to deepen the kiss, causing Kurt to whimper against his mouth. As his tongue snaked out to caress Kurt’s, he pushed him gently down on the bed. Blaine kissed down Kurt’s jaw to his neck, leaving a trail of fire against Kurt’s skin. Kurt moaned as Blaine began to kiss his collarbone. Blaine grinned, bringing his mouth up to Kurt’s ear to nip at the sensitive flesh.

Blaine whispered against Kurt’s ear, “Let me love you.”

Kurt groaned, crashing his mouth to Blaine’s. As they succumbed to the passion between them, Blaine knew they would be okay.

**K/B**

The entire glee club was in an uproar as they entered the choir room the next afternoon. Blaine felt guilty but he tried to heighten morale.

“I know this sucks, guys, but it’s not the end of the world. Hell, you had your set list stolen just before sectionals and you _still_ won,” Blaine reminded them.

Artie was furious as he wheeled himself into the room. “Well they can have our Journey and our Dreamgirls but pilfering my Michael is another level not okay.”

“I’m not comfortable having this conversation with Blaine in the room,” Puck spoke up from the back row. “Clearly, once a Warbler _always_ a Warbler.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Blaine asked, turning to face the boy.

“You told them our plans. You’re on notice as far as I’m concerned,” Puck said, crossing his arms across his chest.

“We all need to be on notice,” Finn said, sticking up for Blaine. “The Warblers are one of the best glee clubs in the state. For a lot of us, this is our last chance to win the championship. We need to stop being angry at the Warblers and focus on beating them.”

“I couldn’t have said it better myself, Finn,” Will said as he walked into the room. “We need to stop focusing on the set list and get into the right mind to crush those guys. That brings us to the lesson of the week. What would Michael Jackson do?”

As Will wrote the words across the whiteboard Finn spoke up once more.

“He’d fight back. He’d say the music is our and so is regionals. They can pry it from our sequin-gloved hands.”

“I know what Michael would do,” Blaine said as he looked around the room. “He’d take it to the streets.”

**K/B**

“Are you sure this is a good idea?” Kurt asked as he pulled his Navigator into a parking space in the garage.

“I’m positive, love. Remember, a lot of these guys are still my friends. Don’t let one bad egg cloud your judgment of the rest of the guys.” Blaine leaned over to kiss Kurt chastely on the lips.

Blaine climbed out of the car without another word. With a sigh, Kurt followed him. He didn’t see this ending well.

**K/B**

Kurt never saw it coming. He hated that he had been right about Sebastian. Normally he loved being right, but this time it only made him more miserable. If only Blaine had _listened_ to him. But no, this wasn’t Blaine’s fault. This was no one’s fault but Sebastian.

Kurt wasn’t the only one who felt badly about the incident. No one saw it coming, except for Blaine. Sweet, protective Blaine who pushed Kurt out of the way before the slushie could hit him. But by pushing Kurt out of the way, the slushie hit Blaine dead in the face.

Blaine fell to the floor, holding his eyes in agonizing pain. Kurt was instantly by his side, as were the rest of the New Directions. Kurt tried to pull Blaine’s hands away from his face but Blaine resisted.

“What hurts, baby?” Kurt asked in a broken voice. He hated to see Blaine in pain.

“My eyes,” Blaine said with a whimper.

“We need to take him to the hospital,” Rachel said gently. She knew Kurt was in shock over what had happened but someone had to think clearly.

Kurt, being stronger than he looked, picked Blaine up, cradling him in his arms. He walked towards his car, their friends following behind them silently. Once Kurt reached his Navigator, Finn hurried to Kurt’s side to open the back door. Kurt thanked him quietly before depositing Blaine into the back seat of the car.

“I’m going to go with you,” Finn said when Kurt had closed the back door.

“You don’t need to,” Kurt said softly as he walked to the driver’s side of the SUV.

Finn put his hand on Kurt’s shoulder, stopping him. “I know I don’t have to but I want to.”

Kurt looked up at his stepbrother, seeing the caring look in his eyes. He nodded his consent. They climbed into the car and Kurt sped to the nearest hospital. He got Blaine into the Emergency Room with Finn’s help. A nurse hurried over with a stretcher and Kurt gently put Blaine down. Blaine immediately reached for Kurt, keeping one hand over his eyes. Kurt bit his lip to stop from crying, but squeezed Blaine’s hand tightly to let him know he was still there and had no plans of leaving him.

The nurse gave Kurt some paperwork to fill out before wheeling Blaine into the back. Kurt tried to follow but the nurse said he could see Blaine after the doctor had examined him. She urged Kurt to call Blaine’s parents as she left the room with Blaine.

Kurt sank into one of the chairs in the waiting room. Finn sat beside him, not saying a word. He knew nothing he could say would make the situation any better. So he sat silently, supporting Kurt the best he could. Kurt called Blaine’s parents, explaining to them what had happened. They were in London on a business trip but assured Kurt they would take the next flight home. They thanked Kurt for taking care of Blaine before ending the call.

A lone tear rolled down Kurt’s cheek but he wiped it away quickly. He didn’t want Blaine to see him crying and he knew if he started now he wouldn’t be able to stop. The tear didn’t escape Finn’s notice though and he reached over and squeezed Kurt’s hand before dropping it again. Kurt gave him a slight smile before filling out Blaine’s paperwork.

When the paperwork was done Kurt returned it to the desk and sat again, waiting until someone came to update them on Blaine’s condition. Waiting was the worst part. There was no distraction from Kurt’s anxiety and the urge to hurt himself was slowly eating away at him. He did his best to ignore it, knowing now was definitely not the time to weaken. They had been waiting for thirty minutes when the doctor came out to speak to Kurt. When he heard someone asking who had brought in Blaine Anderson, Kurt jumped to his feet. He hurried over to the doctor with Finn close behind him.

“How is he?” Kurt asked breathlessly.

“His left eye is okay, however the cornea of his right eye is deeply scratched. He’s going to need surgery to repair the damage. We gave him some medication to help with the pain. It may make him drowsy so we gave him a half dosage for now. You can give him the other half when you get him home,” the doctor said.

“So you _are_ releasing him?” Kurt questioned, wanting to be completely sure before he got his hopes up.

“We want to observe him for another hour but then yes, we will let him return home. Does he have someone to care for him?”

“He does,” Kurt said instantly.

Finn began to speak but Kurt stepped on his foot hard. He closed his mouth, glaring at Kurt. But Kurt didn’t pay Finn any mind. His attention was still on the doctor.

“Can I see him?” Kurt asked.

“We can allow one person to go with him,” the doctor said.

“I’ll call Mom and have her come pick me up,” Finn said before Kurt could speak.

“Are you sure? You can wait for me here and I can drop you off at home,” Kurt said, turning to face his stepbrother.

“I’m sure. Go see your boyfriend,” Finn said.

Finn was surprised when Kurt pulled him into a tight hug. “Thank you for everything.”

“No problem, bro.”

Kurt scowled. “Don’t call me that.”

Finn laughed before walking away, pulling his phone out to call Carole. Kurt turned to the doctor who motioned for Kurt to follow him behind the wide double doors. He led Kurt down the hall to a small room where Blaine was lying in a bed. Kurt bit back a gasp as he took in the bandage over Blaine’s right eye and the IV that was slowly dripping fluids into his boyfriend’s veins.

Blaine looked up as Kurt came in. He smiled, reaching out for Kurt’s hand. Kurt hurried to his side, bringing his hand up to his lips.

“How do you feel?” Kurt asked softly.

“It still hurts but its bearable now. They said I could have more pain medication once I’m home. Come here,” Blaine opened his arms.

Kurt smiled. He looked around to make sure the doctor was gone before climbing into the hospital bed beside Blaine. Blaine sighed happily, laying his head on Kurt’s chest. Kurt bit his lip, running a hand through Blaine’s loose curls.

After a while he said, “I’m so sorry.”

Blaine tilted his head up so he could see Kurt’s face. “For what?”

“That this happened,” Kurt answered. “I feel horrible. You should have just let the slushie hit me. Why did you push me out of the way?”

Blaine sat up, looking deeply into Kurt’s blue-green eyes. He answered simply, “Because I love you.”

Kurt opened his mouth to protest but Blaine shut him up with a gentle kiss. When he pulled back he took Kurt’s hand in his once more.

"Listen to me, Kurt. I love you more than I’ve ever loved anyone before. I don’t regret pushing you out of the way in the slightest. It’s my job to protect you, Kurt, because I _do_ love you. Besides, if you had gotten hurt you would be the one lying here in a hospital bed and seeing you like that once was enough for an entire _lifetime_.”

Kurt’s eyes softened, glistening with unshed tears. One escaped, trailing down Kurt’s cheek to the corner of his mouth. Blaine kissed it away. Kurt took a sharp breath before he spoke again.

“I wish this was all just a dream,” he said sadly.

Blaine lifted a hand up to cradle Kurt’s face, running a thumb over his cheekbone. “Don’t lose any sleep over this. I’m going to be all right.”

Kurt looked at him sadly. Bringing his hand up to Blaine’s face, he began to sing.

_I can’t be losing sleep over this, no, I can’t._

_And now I cannot stop pacing._

_Give me a few hours,_

_I’ll have this all sorted out._

_If my mind would just stop racing._

Blaine knew Kurt was trying to hide the extent of how badly the incident had shaken him. But Blaine was an expert at reading Kurt and he knew the instant Kurt walked through the door that his anxiety had completely taken over his mind. One look at Kurt and he could tell he was having an urge to hurt himself, but if Kurt didn’t want to tell Blaine he wasn’t going to push him into talking about it.

_‘Cause I cannot stand still._

_I can’t be this unsturdy._

_This cannot be happening._

It was hard for Kurt to believe that the Warblers had followed Sebastian’s lead in harming any of the New Directions. Especially Kurt and Blaine, who had both been Warblers though Blaine was far closer to the guys than Kurt was. He was in a state of shock but tried to push past it to concentrate on making Blaine better. He did his best to ignore his urges to self-harm. Blaine couldn’t know or else he would worry and now was not the time for Blaine to worry about Kurt.

_This is over my head,_

_But underneath my feet._

_‘Cause by tomorrow morning I’ll have this thing beat._

_And everything will be back to the way that it was._

_I wish that it was just that easy._

Blaine knew Kurt was talking about his cutting in part. That line was Kurt’s way of reassuring himself that he could make it through this urge. He would not succumb to his addiction. No, he would focus all of his attention on Blaine. He wished he could tap his shoes together and everything would go back to normal. But nothing in life was ever that easy, especially not for Kurt.

_‘Cause I’m waiting for tonight._

_Then waiting for tomorrow._

_And I’m somewhere in between._

_What is real and just a dream?_

_What is real and just a dream?_

_What is real and just a dream?_

Kurt wanted to go back in time so he could stop Sebastian. But at the same time he wished the night was over. Kurt wanted to get Blaine home where he could relax. He wanted the entire day to be over. But life isn’t like the movies or your dreams. Time doesn’t speed up or slow down just because you want it to. Everyone was subjected to time’s cruelty.

_Would you catch me if I fall out of what I fell in?_

_Don’t be surprised if I collapse,_

_Down at your feet again._

_I don’t want to run away from this._

_I know that I just don’t need this._

Kurt knew if he told Blaine he wanted to cut, he would help him through the temptation. But Kurt didn’t want Blaine to worry about him in the slightest, not when he was hurt himself. He knew Blaine would always be there to catch him when he fell, but this time he was determined not to fail. As much as he wanted to collapse into Blaine’s arms and cry, he resisted. He had to stay strong for Blaine. This time, instead of running away from the problem, he was meeting it head on. It scared Kurt and he wished this had never happened. Neither of them had needed this in their already stressful lives.

_‘Cause I cannot stand still._

_I can’t be this unsturdy._

_This cannot be happening, yeah._

The fact of the matter was that Blaine _had_ gotten hurt. Kurt couldn’t do anything to take that back. But he could take care of Blaine until he was well again. He would stay by his side until he was back up on his feet.

_‘Cause I’m waiting for tonight._

_Then waiting for tomorrow._

_And I’m somewhere in between._

_What is real and just a dream?_

_What is real and just a dream?_

_What is real and just a dream?_

_What is real and just a dream?_

Blaine kissed Kurt gently before laying his head back down on Kurt’s chest. After a while he spoke, his voice muffled by Kurt’s shirt.

“Did anyone call my parents?”

“I did,” Kurt said as he ran his hand through Blaine’s dark locks. “They’re going to take the first flight home but even if they make the red eye it will be at least nine hours before they’re in Columbus and out of the airport.”

“The hospital’s letting me go home alone?” Blaine asked with incredulity.

“No, silly,” Kurt said playfully. _“I’m_ taking you home. _I’m_ going to take care of you until your parents arrive and even after they’re home.”

“You’re too good to me, Kurt,” Blaine said.

“No, I’m not. I just love you with my whole heart,” Kurt answered simply.

“Forever?”

“ _Always_.”

**K/B**

Returning to school without Blaine was odd. Kurt missed the first two classes, staying with Blaine until his parents arrived. Once they were home and had thanked Kurt profusely for taking care of their son, Kurt kissed Blaine goodbye and headed to the school. It was lunchtime when Kurt arrived and none of the New Directions were in the cafeteria so he headed to the choir room. They swarmed towards Kurt the second he entered the room. He was touched by their concern for Blaine but after a while Kurt couldn’t take it anymore. He had to get out of there. Kurt left the room and went to the nearest empty classroom. Wanting to be alone, Kurt didn’t go to his next class. The doctor at the hospital had given him an excuse for the entire day and Kurt had really only gone to school to assure his friends that Blaine was fine. So Kurt sat alone in the room until Santana walked past the door and saw him.

“Hey, what’re you doing?” she asked, her voice laced with concern.

“Trying to keep the flames from shooting out of my face,” Kurt answered, looking up from the notebook he had been poring over. “I agree with Artie. I’m tired of being stepped on all the time. We take a lot of crap from a lot of people and I _refuse_ to take it from Sebastian, the criminal chipmunk. So I’ve been sitting here for the last hour plotting our revenge.”

“Today’s your lucky day, Hummel,” Santana said with a conniving grin. “Auntie Snix just arrived on the bitch town express.”

“What he did to Blaine was _despicable_. At first, I really wanted to hurt him. But I can’t. I’ve fought against violence at this school and I can’t be a hypocrite. I have to take the high road.”

“I can respect that,” Santana said with a soft smile. “I want to go to college and I don’t want to jeopardize my chances. So let’s take that high road that you speak of. We won’t win by playing dirty, but we _will_ beat him.”

Santana left without another word. Watching her go, Kurt felt slightly better. He didn’t have to use violence to extract revenge on Sebastian but he wasn’t giving up either. He would pay for what he did to Blaine, one way or another.

**K/B**

The next day, Kurt was sitting in Will’s Spanish class when his dad appeared at the door. After speaking with him, Will turned to Kurt.

“Kurt, your dad wants to talk to you.”

“What’s wrong? Is Blaine okay?” Kurt asked as he ran out into the hall where his dad was waiting.

“Blaine’s fine.” Burt reached into his pocket and withdrew a letter. “The mail came.”

Kurt took the letter from his father with a trembling hand. The return address was stamped with New York Academy of Dramatic Arts. Kurt led his father to several different rooms but none of them felt right. Finally, he led his dad to the choir room. After all, this is where it all began.

“Kurt, this is the fifth room we’ve been in. What’s wrong with the other four?” Burt asked, frustrated.

“None of them felt right,” Kurt said as he turned to face Burt. “This is it, Dad. Whatever’s in this letter determines my future.”

“I’m here, no matter what it says,” Burt assured him.

Kurt turned away from his father and tried to steady his hands so he could open the envelope. He pulled the letter out and read through the letter quickly. Kurt turned back to his father with tear-filled eyes.

“What does it say?” Burt asked, unable to read his son’s face.

“I’m a finalist,” Kurt said through his tears.

Burt laughed, pulling him into a bear hug. He lifted Kurt off of his feet.

“Dad, your heart,” Kurt reprimanded him.

“Screw my heart. You did it, Kurt!” Burt pulled back to look at his son. “Who’s going to tell Blaine? You have to let me do it!”

“Dad, are you crying?” Kurt asked in shock.

“You beat them all, Kurt. They threw everything they could at you. They tried to beat you down but you stood strong. You’re unstoppable, Kurt. You proved all of them wrong and I am _so_ proud to be your dad. No matter what, no one can _ever_ take this away from you. Right now, this moment, this day, you won.”

The bell rang and Kurt hugged his dad one last time before running through the halls to find Rachel. She was at her locker, switching books for the last class of the day.

“Rachel! Rachel!” he yelled as he approached her. “I got my NYADA letter! I’m a finalist!”

“You did?” Rachel said excitedly. “That’s so great!”

“What did yours say?” Kurt asked.

Rachel paused, answering him sadly. “I didn’t get one.” She leaned back against the lockers.

“They probably didn’t send it yet,” Kurt tried to reassure her. He felt guilty telling her he had made it when she still hadn’t heard her fate yet.

Rachel began to cry, turning to face Kurt. “All of our friends are making plans for their future. I don’t have one. All I have is my boyfriend. I have _no_ _idea_ what I’m doing.”

Rachel broke down completely, her body wracked with tears. Kurt pulled her into his arms, resting his cheek against the top of her head. She buried her face in his chest as she cried. When the bell rang signaling the beginning of the last class, Rachel pressed a light kiss to his cheek before leaving without another word.

Kurt skipped the last class of the day, hurrying to Blaine’s house. Blaine’s mother let him in, telling him Blaine was upstairs. Kurt thanked her before sprinting up the stairs and into Blaine’s room, forgetting to knock. Blaine was sitting up in bed, leaning against his headboard. He was still in his pajamas and had a plaid blanket covering his legs. An eye patch was over his right eye.

“Kurt, what’re you doing here? School isn’t out yet.” Blaine looked up in surprise.

Kurt waved the letter at Blaine. “I did it! I’m a finalist!”

Blaine’s face lit up. “That’s great, baby! I knew you would be. Come here.”

Kurt hurried to Blaine’s side, reading the letter aloud. When he was done, Blaine took the letter from him, setting it to the side. He put a hand behind Kurt’s neck, pulling him into a passionate kiss. When they broke apart for air, Blaine was still beaming.

“I’m _so_ proud of you,” Blaine said, still breathing heavily. “You’ve come so far in the past few months.”

Kurt knew Blaine wasn’t just talking about the letter. It had been two months since Kurt last cut himself. Blaine pulled him back in for another kiss. Kurt ended the kiss first this time, leaning his head against Blaine’s shoulder. Blaine took his hand, bringing it up to his lips.

“Did you hear from anywhere else?” Blaine asked.

Kurt froze. He answered Blaine hesitantly, not lifting his head to meet his eyes. “Just one other.”

“Which one?” Blaine asked, noting that Kurt was stalling.

“Ohio State,” Kurt said quickly.

“Wait, what?” Blaine asked in confusion. “I thought you wanted to go to New York. I only applied to New York colleges!”

“I _do_ want to go to New York,” Kurt said, finally lifting his head to meet Blaine’s eyes. “But I needed a back-up plan.”

“Why didn’t you tell me sooner? I could have applied there too. Now I’m going to be alone with Rachel and Finn in New York,” Blaine said.

“Blaine, _please_ listen to me. Ohio is the worst case scenario. I applied to several different schools in New York. I’m sure one of them will let me in. The only way I would ever go to Ohio is if no one in New York accepted me, okay? So _please_ , don’t worry. We won’t be separated,” he tried to reassure his lover.

Kurt pressed his lips to Blaine’s, pouring all of his love into the kiss.

Blaine sighed when Kurt pulled back. “Okay,” he said half-heartedly.

They were interrupted by a knock at the door. Kurt moved to the chair next to the bed, telling whoever it was to come in. It was Finn and Rachel, coming to give Blaine some movies while he was cooped up at home.

They only stayed for twenty minutes. Blaine looked relieved when they left. He had been thinking about Kurt’s admission the entire time they were there. When they were gone, he turned to Kurt, taking his hand. He pulled Kurt back onto the bed, looking him in the eyes.

“You’re right,” Blaine said. “Life is too short to be worrying about what ifs. We shouldn’t focus on the bad things. We should be celebrating your news.”

With that, Blaine kissed Kurt passionately. Kurt smiled against his lips, whimpering as Blaine licked his way into his mouth. Kurt deepened the kiss greedily. Blaine’s hands found their way under the back of Kurt’s shirt, caressing his skin. Kurt groaned, pulling away reluctantly.

“We need to stop. If we don’t now I might not be able to,” Kurt admitted with a blush.

Blaine looked at him with lustful eyes. “Would that be such a bad thing?”

“You’re injured,” Kurt reminded him.

“So?” Blaine protested.

“So nothing. You can go a few weeks without sex. I promise it won’t kill you,” Kurt said as he pulled his shirt back down.

“I don’t know. It might,” Blaine said with a sly grin.

Kurt laughed. “You made it seventeen years without it. I’m sure you’ll be just fine.”

“Okay,” Blaine said grumpily. “At least cuddle with me.”

Kurt smiled. “Now _that_ I can do.”

He lay down next to Blaine, sighing happily when Blaine laid his head on Kurt’s chest. His arms came up to hold Blaine tightly.

“The club agreed to focus on beating the Warblers at sectionals instead of seeking out revenge,” Kurt said after a while.

“That’s good,” Blaine said sleepily.

“We thought so. And we’re planning on inviting them to McKinley to show them just how we plan to do that.” Kurt ran a hand up and down Blaine’s back.

“Just be careful,” Blaine said before he drifted off to sleep.

“I will be,” Kurt said, pressing a kiss to the top of his love’s head.

**K/B**

Kurt appreciated Santana’s efforts to prove Sebastian’s guilt but in the end he didn’t want to send it to the police. Santana argued with him at first but Kurt didn’t give in. He told them he had already invited the Warblers to the school and they would be arriving at any minute. The club followed Kurt to the auditorium after he let him in on his plan.

The Warblers were filing in as the New Directions walked out onto the stage. Kurt glared at Sebastian but kept his thoughts to himself for the time being.

“Nice of you to show,” Artie said as he turned himself to face the group.

“Is this going to take long? I _hate_ the stench of public school,” Sebastian said.

“Just sit and listen,” Quinn told him.

“We’re not doing Michael for regionals,” Artie began.

“I didn’t think you’d give in so easily,” Sebastian admitted.

“We’re tired of the fighting and backstabbing,” Kurt spoke up. “We’re show choirs. We’re supposed to support each other.”

“So we decided to take the high road,” Puck finished.

“You can sing Michael but you will _never_ understand him,” Artie said.

“And you do?” Sebastian asked in disbelief.

“Yes,” Mercedes answered. “And we’re about to show you.”

The group took their places to sing “Black and White.” Kurt was satisfied to see Sebastian’s shocked face as one by one the Warblers joined them on the stage. Kurt knew then that the Warblers had never meant to hurt Blaine or himself. In the end, Sebastian was the only one left sitting.

“Very moving,” Sebastian said sarcastically as he clapped without emotion.

“Give it up, Sebastian,” Nick spoke from the stage.

“That attitude is why we lost regionals last year,” Sebastian said angrily.

“I could call the cops and get your arrested or call your headmaster and get you expelled for assaulting Blaine with that slushie,” Santana said as she stepped to the front of the stage.

“All of this would be terrifying if you had proof,” Sebastian said with a smirk.

“You mean like this?” Santana asked, pulling out the tape recording she had of Sebastian. “This is a recording of you admitting to it.”

Sebastian looked shocked. Santana passed the tape to Kurt.

“But you know what?” Kurt asked. “It just wouldn’t be as much fun to win regionals without you there to suffer through the agony of defeat.”

Kurt tossed the tape to Sebastian who caught it easily.

“At least now all of your teammates know exactly what type of guy you are,” Santana said smugly.

The Warblers looked at Sebastian with disapproval. The New Directions walked out of the auditorium without a look back. Kurt knew they had won this round. And they would win the next one too when they beat the Warblers at regionals.


	28. Chapter 27:  The Spanish Teacher

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Thank you to everyone who reviewed, alerted or favorited this story! I honestly did not like this episode so most of the events that took place are only mentioned though I did keep two scenes in but I altered one of them majorly for my own purposes. I hope you enjoy it regardless.
> 
> Warnings for this chapter: self-harm, homophobic language
> 
> Spoilers for this chapter: 3x12 – The Spanish Teacher
> 
> Disclaimer: I do not own Glee. “Wake Me Up When September Ends” belongs to Green Day. “Because of You” belongs to Nickelback.

Chapter Twenty-Seven:  The Spanish Teacher

Kurt hated Mondays. He always had. But now they were even more unbearable without Blaine there. He missed him at school, even if he still saw him almost every day. Blaine had yet to return to school. His operation had been successful but he had to continue wearing the eye patch for two weeks and had been instructed not to strain his other eye by reading.

When the last bell rang, Kurt made his way out to the student parking lot. He climbed into his Navigator and drove straight to Blaine’s house. Blaine’s mother answered the door, greeting him with a smile and a hug. Blaine was upstairs and Kurt hurried up them to see his boyfriend.

“Hey,” Kurt said cheerfully when he entered the room.

“Hi,” Blaine said half-heartedly from where he lay in bed.

Kurt frowned as he slowly walked towards his boyfriend. “What’s wrong?”

Blaine had been acting out of sorts ever since Kurt told him Rachel had gotten her NYADA letter. Kurt didn’t know what was wrong but he was determined to get to the bottom of it.

“Nothing,” Blaine answered, fidgeting with his comforter.

“Well something is,” Kurt said as he joined Blaine on the bed.

Blaine sighed. “I’m just worried that we’re going to be separated.”

Kurt’s face softened. He took Blaine’s hands in his. “That’s not going to happen, Blaine.”

“You don’t know that,” Blaine grumbled, refusing to meet Kurt’s eyes.

“No, you’re right I don’t. But I only applied to OSU as a precautionary measure. I’m a finalist at NYADA. That has to mean something,” Kurt reminded him.

“You’re a _finalist_. That doesn’t mean you’ve been accepted,” Blaine said harshly.

Kurt did his best to hide the pain Blaine’s words had brought. He knew Blaine didn’t mean it but what he said was the truth. Kurt knew Blaine was hurting and all he wanted to do was fix it. Blaine still refused to look at Kurt and Kurt didn’t know any other way to reach him so he began to sing.

_Summer has come and passed._

_The innocent can never last._

_Wake me up when September ends._

Kurt would give anything to get rid of the pain and anxiety that plagued him. He knew Blaine was hurting now and he never wanted him to feel like he did. His innocence had been torn away when his mother died. Kurt knew all too well how cruel the world could be. He wished he could protect Blaine from the same heartache.

_Like my father’s come to pass,_

_Seven years has gone so fast._

_Wake me up when September ends._

Kurt wished Blaine would understand that OSU was not a sure thing. In fact, that was Kurt’s last chance. He would only go there if he had exhausted all other options. Kurt wanted to be with Blaine more than anything in the world. If only Blaine would understand that.

_Here comes the rain again,_

_Falling from the stars._

_Drenched in my pain again,_

_Becoming who we are._

As always, just when Kurt thought things were getting better, they got worse than ever before. He was tired of the pain. He knew his life experiences had shaped who he was but he didn’t want the pain to be part of him.

_As my memory rests,_

_But never forgets what I lost._

_Wake me up when September ends._

Kurt knew even if he did get separated from Blaine that wouldn’t mean they wouldn’t be together. Kurt would try to see him as often as possible, and no matter what his heart would forever belong to Blaine. But Kurt didn’t want to think about that. OSU was such an unlikely option that Kurt didn’t want to even imagine the prospect of being separated from Blaine.

_Summer has come and passed._

_The innocent can never last._

_Wake me up when September ends._

_Ring out the bells again,_

_Like we did when spring began._

_Wake me up when September ends._

When the school year began, Kurt and Blaine had been happy. Sure, Kurt still had to deal with his anxiety and depression but Blaine had stayed upbeat through the entire thing. Now Blaine could only think of the possibility of them being separated. The thought clouded his mind.

_Here comes the rain again,_

_Falling from the stars._

_Drenched in my pain again,_

_Becoming who we are._

_As my memory rests,_

_But never forgets what I lost._

_Wake me up when September ends._

Blaine didn’t know what he would do if he was separated from Kurt. Kurt was his entire world and he couldn’t bear to be without him. He felt like his heart was being ripped out of his chest and they weren’t even apart yet.

_Summer has come and passed._

_The innocent can never last._

_Wake me up when September ends._

_Like my father’s come to pass,_

_Twenty years has gone so fast._

_Wake me up when September ends._

_Wake me up when September ends._

_Wake me up when September ends._

Blaine curled into Kurt when he finished singing. Kurt wrapped his arms around him, holding him close to his chest. After a while, Blaine broke the comfortable silence.

“I’m sorry. I’ve been acting like a jackass,” he said against Kurt’s chest.

“It’s okay,” Kurt answered. “I just wish you would understand.”

“I’m starting to,” Blaine told him.

“Good,” Kurt said, pressing a kiss to Blaine’s hair.

**K/B**

Kurt was glad when Rachel invited him and Mercedes to her house for a sleepover. He hoped the night would prove to be a much needed distraction. They were sitting on Rachel’s bed, passing bowls of different flavored popcorn between the two of them. Rachel and Mercedes were discussing the love triangle in the movie, but after a while it was too much for even Kurt to handle.

“Girls, I appreciate you spending time with me while Blaine recovers but why are you being so weirdly emotional? Our periods don’t come until the end of the month,” Kurt said as he passed along a bowl of popcorn.

Rachel paused the movie before turning around to face them. Mercedes began to protest but Rachel cut her off.

“Can you guys keep a secret?” Rachel asked nervously.

When the two nodded Rachel pulled on the chain she wore around her neck. It had been tucked into her shirt so no one would notice what was on it. Kurt was shocked to see a small diamond ring on the chain.

“Rachel, _what the hell_ is that?” Mercedes asked.

Kurt had a bad feeling in the pit of his stomach before Rachel replied.

“It’s an engagement ring,” she said softly.

 _“Shut up!”_ Kurt said angrily. He couldn’t believe his stepbrother would do something so stupid.

“Finn proposed,” Rachel said with a delighted smile, ignoring Kurt’s reaction.

“What did you say?” Mercedes demanded, leaning forward.

“I said yes,” Rachel said, holding her hands over her heart.

“Have you lost your _damn mind?”_ Mercedes asked bluntly.

“I love him,” Rachel said.

“What about NYADA?” Kurt held back the desire to shake some sense into the girl.

"It’s still going to happen,” Rachel told him. “Broadway is still my dream, but in every single one of my dreams Finn is there. I know I’m going to be with him for the rest of my life. So do you promise not to tell anyone?”

“I’m going home right now to yell at Finn,” Kurt said angrily. “This is _insane.”_

 _“That’s not fair, Kurt!_ What would you do if Blaine proposed to you today?” Rachel said, pushing him back when he tried to get off of the bed.

Kurt pointedly looked down. Rachel took this as her answer.

“Will you please keep my secret?”

“Aren’t you scared you’re making the wrong choice?” Mercedes asked seriously.

“I have the right person,” Rachel answered. “The scary part was just _choosing_ to know it.”

“Look, Rachel, I’m not saying I wouldn’t say yes if Blaine proposed to me tomorrow. I _know_ he’s the one for me. I _know_ we’re going to be together for the rest of our lives. But that doesn’t mean we’d get married _tomorrow_. You can’t just jump into this blindly,” Kurt told her.

“Finn and I aren’t you and Blaine, Kurt,” Rachel said before she turned back around and restarted the movie.

Kurt kept the rest of his thoughts to himself, deciding he would confront Finn later.

**K/B**

Finn was gone when Kurt woke up the next morning and he didn’t see him for the rest of the school day. He finally found him in the weight room after school had let out. Kurt entered the room, holding several papers to his chest.

“Hey, dude,” Finn greeted him with a smile. “Do you want to lift some?”

“No thanks, and don’t call me that,” Kurt said. “Why don’t you pick up these?” He set the papers down so Finn could see them. “They’re from Miss Pillsbury.”

“College brochures,” Finn said, looking over at the brochures. “You’re got NYU and Adelphi.”

“That one’s in Long Island,” Kurt cut him off.

“Thanks for the research but college isn’t for everyone,” Finn said as he continued to lift weights.

“Neither is marriage,” Kurt countered.

“I can’t believe she told you.” Finn dropped the weights back into place, looking away from Kurt.

“I can’t believe you didn’t. We’re _supposed_ to be brothers,” Kurt reminded him.

“I didn’t want to put you in an awkward position with Burt. I don’t want him to know yet,” Finn said, standing up.

“Do you think something you have to keep from everybody you love _might_ _not_ be a good idea in the first place?” Kurt asked him, crossing his arms over his chest.

“Don’t get down on me about this, Kurt. Rachel’s the _only_ good thing in my life.”

“No she _isn’t_ , Finn. I know you’ve had a rough year but you’re a star. Just as bright as Rachel. You just have to believe in yourself,” Kurt told him.

“The proof is in the pudding,” Finn said, raising his voice.

“I’m not telling you not to marry Rachel,” Kurt said. “I love her and you’d be lucky to marry her, _one day._ I don’t want you to be in the background while she lives her dream.”

“I need to be honest with myself about who I am.”

“And who is that?”

“Not you.” Finn motioned towards Kurt. “Not Rachel.”

“That’s the _point_ , Finn. You’re unique and I can’t see this proposal as anything but you giving up on yourself,” Kurt said, his voice laced with disappointment.

“No, it’s not,” Finn said angrily. “You don’t know how it feels to have your life blow up before your eyes!”

 _“Really,_ Finn? Have you forgotten what I’ve been through in the past two years?” Kurt asked furiously.

“Of course not. How could I with the way you cry all over everyone!”

Kurt shook his head, not believing what Finn had said. “Screw you, Finn.”

Kurt hurried out of the room. He had only taken a few steps when a grape slushie hit him like an iceberg. He looked up to see Azimio standing over him, laughing.

“Hey, fag. Why don’t you do everyone a favor and off yourself?” he laughed again before striding down the hall.

Memories flashed through Kurt’s mind as he collapsed to the ground. Every time he had been torn down and made to believe that he was nothing until after a while he began to believe them flooded back to him. He curled in on himself as sobs wracked his body. It took several moments but Kurt finally tore himself out of his thoughts. Anxiety clouded his mind and he knew if he didn’t go to someone that second he would give in and hurt himself. He ran back into the locker room, hoping Finn would still be there. Relief swept over him when he saw his stepbrother, forgetting what had taken place only moments before.

“Oh God, Finn,” Kurt said through his tears. “I _can’t_ take this. I’m tired of the pain.”

“Tell someone else, Kurt,” Finn said. “I can’t fix you.”

Kurt stared at him in disbelief before he sprinted out of the locker room, racing through the halls until he found the nearest bathroom. He entered the nearest stall and locked the door before falling to his knees. Digging through his messenger bag, Kurt found his razorblade. He needed to see the blood streaming out of his veins, taking the bad feelings along with it. Kurt didn’t hesitate before pushing the blade into his arm, not thinking to be careful as he usually did. He continued to slice away at his flesh until there were ten parallel cuts, the last one deeper than the others.

Sighing in relief, Kurt felt the anxiety leave him. He wiped the blade clean and returned it to his messenger bag, pulling out his bloodstained ace bandage. Kurt wrapped it tightly around his arm. As he gathered his things, he realized what he had done. Guilt washed over him and Kurt bit his lip to stop himself from crying again. He made sure no one was in the hall before exiting the building and heading towards his car. He drove straight to Blaine’s house.

Kurt didn’t stop to greet Blaine’s mom before sprinting up the stairs and into Blaine’s room. He threw the door open, barely managing to contain his emotions. Blaine looked up when he heard the door open, frowning as he took in Kurt’s red rimmed eyes.

“What happened?” Blaine asked, sitting up in bed.

Kurt flung himself at Blaine, clinging tightly to his chest. He hissed in pain as his injured wrist rubbed against Blaine’s arm. Blaine knew instantly what Kurt had done and wrapped his arms around him. He held him for several long minutes before he pulled back.

“Let me see,” Blaine said softly.

Kurt whimpered but obediently pulled his sleeve up. Blaine slowly unwrapped the ace bandage, noting the blood had soaked through the material. He closed his eyes as he took in the ten self-inflicted wounds. Most had stopped bleeding but one continued to flow freely. Blaine pulled Kurt into his bathroom, sitting him on the closed toilet seat.

Blaine pulled out a first aid kit. He cleaned the wounds gently with hydrogen peroxide before putting a butterfly strip over the deepest wound. He then covered all ten cuts in a long piece of gauze, taping it to Kurt’s arm. Blaine put everything away before kneeling in front of Kurt.

“What happened?” Blaine asked.

Kurt told him about the fight with Finn, and then his run in with Azimio which caused an anxiety attack. He told him how he tried to go to Finn who only yelled that he couldn’t fix him. Blaine frowned when Kurt was finished, pulling him into his arms. He led Kurt back into the bedroom, sitting him on the bed before he pulled out his phone.

“What’re you doing?” Kurt asked.

“Shush,” Blaine said gently. He found the name he was looking for in his contact list and pressed dial. It rang four times before the call was finally picked up. “Hey, Finn. I know you got into an argument with Kurt but I was wondering if you and Rachel would be willing to come over to my house to talk it out.”

Kurt started to protest but Blaine shook his head at him. Blaine was relieved when Finn agreed, but not without reluctance.

 _“Why_ did you do that?” Kurt asked angrily after Blaine had ended the phone call.

“Because Finn is your stepbrother. He _should_ have been there for you. He could have stopped this from happening but he didn’t do a _damn_ thing but make it worse,” Blaine said. He sat down, pulling Kurt into his arms. He held him close until a knock sounded on his bedroom door.

Blaine went to open the door, inviting Finn and Rachel in. They stepped into the room hesitantly, pointedly looking away from Kurt. Blaine turned to Finn after the couple had sat down.

“When Kurt told me what you said I couldn’t believe you would speak to him that way. You _seriously_ hurt him. And when he tried to come to you because he had an anxiety attack you turned him away instead of reaching out to comfort him. Kurt hurt himself today which would have been _avoided_ if you had stopped being selfish enough to talk to him,” Blaine said furiously.

“Do you know how many times Kurt’s come to me?” Finn demanded. “The fact of the matter is _I can’t fix him.”_

“You should have tried to _help_ him!” Blaine said, raising his voice.

“This is the same thing that it always is,” Finn said angrily. “Kurt hurts himself and someone else is blamed for it. Why shouldn’t _he_ be held responsible?”

“I _know_ you’re trying, Kurt. But we can’t always be there when you need us,” Rachel told him.

Finn shook his head angrily. “I don’t know how to tell you how this affects everyone around you. But I know one way I can make you understand.”

Finn went to Blaine’s iHome, switching Blaine’s iPod for his own. He queued up the song he was looking for and pressed play. Kurt was shocked as Finn began to sing.

_Hands on the mirror, can’t get much clearer._

_Can’t make this all go away._

_Now that you’re bleeding you stare at the ceiling._

_Watch as it all fades away._

Finn had seen Kurt like this many times before. He had seen Kurt have anxiety attacks and he knew Kurt felt like there was no other way to make everything fade away. And after he had done the deed he curled into himself, only paying attention to the fact that his pain was gone. What he didn’t notice was the pain his actions caused to the people around him.

_From what you do, because of you._

_You know I can’t be there,_

_Each time that you call._

_I swore not to come, but I’m here after all._

_I know by the look that I see in your eye._

_I won’t stand around and I won’t watch you die,_

_From what you do, because of you._

_What’s become of you?_

_What you do, what you do._

_What’s become of . . ._

Finn was tired of Kurt hurting himself. He was tired of getting hurt in the process. Kurt needed to accept that he couldn’t always be there to comfort him. Finn was so tired of seeing Kurt do this to himself that he had almost refused to go to Blaine’s house, but for some reason there he was.

_Now that you did this, you ask for forgiveness._

_Doctor, could you be my priest?_

_You say you’re mistaken, but look what you’ve taken._

_You laugh as you lie through your teeth._

Finn knew Kurt felt guilty after each time he did it. He had heard him beg for forgiveness, which was always granted to him. Even when he had landed in the hospital, he was forgiven. Kurt didn’t realize how lucky he was that the doctors had saved his life. He didn’t think of how it affected their family to see him laying on that hospital bed. Instead he tried to keep each time he hurt himself a secret.

_From what you do, because of you._

_You know I can’t be there,_

_Each time that you call._

_I swore not to come, but I’m here after all._

_I know by the look that I see in your eye._

_I won’t stand around and I won’t watch you die,_

_From what you do._

_What’s become of you?_

_What you do, what you do._

_What’s become of . . ._

_From what you do . . ._

The second he had walked into the room he knew what Kurt had done. Finn wanted to leave the second he realized that but he didn’t. He stayed around, if only to let Kurt know how his actions affected him. Kurt was slowly killing himself and Finn wasn’t going to sit around and watch him do it. Kurt had changed from the person Finn had met two years ago. Now he was just a broken shell of that boy.

_Hands on the mirror, can’t get much clearer._

_Can’t make this all go away._

_Now that you’re bleeding you stare at the ceiling,_

_And watch as it all fades away._

Finn didn’t understand why Kurt didn’t just stop. If he really wanted to quit he would. He didn’t understand that it was an addiction. He didn’t know that Kurt fought with himself every day to stop himself from cutting. Finn only saw Kurt giving in.

_From what you do, because of you._

_You know I can’t be there,_

_Each time that you call._

_I swore not to come, but I’m here after all._

_I know by the look that I see in your eye._

_I won’t stand around and I won’t watch you die._

_From what you do._

_What’s become of you?_

_What you do, what you do._

_What’s become of you?_

_Because of . . ._

Kurt was crying by the time Finn finished. Blaine went to him, cradling his head against his chest. Nobody spoke for a long time. Finally, Kurt broke the silence.

“I’m _sorry_ , Finn,” he managed to gasp out through his tears. “I didn’t mean to hurt you.”

Finn sat down beside him on the bed, placing a hand on his knee. “I know you didn’t mean to, Kurt. I just want you to know that it’s _not_ easy for me to see you like this. I’ll be there for you when I can.”

Rachel placed a hand on Finn’s shoulder, speaking to him silently. Finn nodded. They gathered their belongings and left the room without another word. Kurt continued to cry even after they left. Blaine lay down with him on the bed, rubbing his back comfortingly. He wasn’t surprised when Kurt’s breathing evened itself out. It wasn’t the first time he had seen his boyfriend cry himself to sleep. Blaine didn’t have the heart to wake him. He watched over him in his sleep, trying to push Finn’s words out of his head. He needed to focus on Kurt, making sure he wouldn’t hurt himself again. No matter how much it hurt Blaine to watch Kurt hurt himself, he would always be there to help him. He loved Kurt and he wasn’t going to abandon him to himself.


	29. Chapter 28:  Heart

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Thanks to everyone who reviewed, favorited, or alerted this story! One of the songs used in this chapter is in French. You can find a translation at the end of the chapter.
> 
> Also, this story is going to be thirty-seven chapters not including an epilogue. I’m going to be writing a sequel and I already have some of it hammered out but I wanted to know what you guys want to see happen. Let me know and I’ll definitely consider your ideas for the sequel. I’m looking forward to hearing your suggestions.
> 
> Warnings for this chapter: sexual situations
> 
> Spoilers for: 3x13 – Heart
> 
> Disclaimer: I do not own Glee. “Au Jardin Des Sans Pourquoi” belongs to Josh Groban. “Eyes Open” belongs to Taylor Swift. “Love Shack” belongs to The B-52’s.

Chapter Twenty-Eight:  Heart

It was only Monday and already Kurt wished the week was over. Blaine had gone back to Columbus for a check-up with his surgeon and his parents decided to stay with family there for the entire week. Blaine’s parents had also insisted he leave his phone at home so he could spend quality time with his family. Somehow he felt even more alone walking through the halls of McKinley, knowing he couldn’t see or speak to Blaine at the end of the day.

The day was made worse by Will’s enthusiasm over Valentine’s Day. Valentine’s Day was Blaine’s favorite holiday and this year they wouldn’t be together to celebrate it. Kurt tore his mind away from Blaine, focusing on Will as he suggested ways to raise money.

“Oh God, _not_ another bake sale,” Kurt moaned morosely.

Will tried to defend his idea but the entire club protested profusely when he suggested singing classroom to classroom. Thankfully, Sugar came to their rescue and donated more than enough money for costumes for regionals.

“Sugar, I can’t take that,” Will began to protest.

 _“Take it!”_ Kurt snapped.

The entire club was relieved with Will took the money but for Kurt that relief was short lived. Sugar announced her Valentine’s Day party and specified that everyone had to bring a date. But Kurt’s date was two hours away and wouldn’t be returning until late Sunday night. Loneliness set in worse than ever and Kurt’s wrist began to twinge. He was so focused on fighting down the urge that he didn’t notice the club had been dismissed and he was alone in the room.

Kurt was mad at himself for even having an urge. He hated himself for yearning for the blade. He wished he had never started cutting in the first place. Sighing unhappily, Kurt lifted his hands over the piano keys and began to play.

_Retournons avant la guerre_

_Avant la fin_

_Avant le besoin de toutes ces prieres_

_Aucun mal_

_Aucun bien_

_Aucun mot croche_

_Ni mots malins que l’on dit quand on n’sait pas_

Kurt wished he could go back to that faithful day, the day it all began. He would catch the cup of water before it had fallen, left the shards of glass on the ground instead of picking it up. His finger never would have been cut, his wrist not marred with scars. He never would have found solace in the pain. Kurt would still be healthy if he could only go back.

_Sous un ciel bleu, ciel sans nuage_

_Retournons la-bas_

_Sans orage_

_Retournons la-bas_

_Au jardin des sans pourquoi_

Kurt knew his addiction was hard on Blaine. He hated causing Blaine pain and hated himself every time he gave into the blade because he knew it hurt Blaine. If he could go back and stop himself, he would never have caused Blaine pain and he never would again.

_Je t’ai vue te promener la-bas_

_Sous l’arc-en-ciel_

_Brillante comme une etincelle dans la nuit_

_Ou je t’ai vue aussi_

_Tombant du ciel_

_Comme une larme de St Laurent, disparaissant_

_Dans un ciel bleu, ciel sans nuage_

_Retournons la-bas_

_Sans orage_

_Retournons la-bas_

_Au jardin des sans pourquoi_

But wishing would do nothing to change the past and Kurt knew that. Kurt had started hurting himself _days_ after he had met Blaine. He had been struggling with it for over a year and he would continue to struggle with it until he was recovered, however long that would take.

Kurt removed his hands from the piano keys, wiping the tears that had gone unchecked from his cheeks. In one week, Blaine would be back and things would return to normal. Kurt wouldn’t have to be alone anymore.

**K/B**

Tuesday was flying by, much to Kurt’s relief. He was counting down the days until Blaine would return from Columbus. He was surprised when he had received a card from a “secret admirer,” who of course could only be Blaine.

Kurt grabbed lunch in the cafeteria and headed to the table where the other members of the New Directions were already sitting. He listened to Puck talk about his exploits at a sorority. Kurt couldn’t image not having one person to spend the rest of your life with, instead going from person to person and not ever having a relationship with anyone. But to Puck sex wasn’t anything but sex, taking what he wanted. To Kurt and Blaine it was expressing their love for one another, gifting and receiving.

“I tried the true love thing. It isn’t for me,” Puck said.

“Well it is for me,” Kurt cut in. “And it’s for Blaine too. Even from his sick bed, he’s managed to send me a Valentine’s Day card.”

Kurt opened the card and reread it silently for the umpteenth time. Artie leaned back in his wheelchair to read it.

“It says ‘from your secret admirer,’” Artie read.

“So romantic,” Kurt sighed happily.

“Oh!” Tina exclaimed with her eyes glued somewhere over Kurt’s right shoulder.

Kurt turned around, his eyes lighting up. Blaine had sent him a gorilla gram.

“A gorilla gram for _moi_?” Kurt took the card offered to him. “’To Kurt from your secret admirer.’ Again. I _wonder_ who it could be. Will you tell me who it is Valentine’s gorilla?”

The gorilla shook its head before giving the stuffed bear and balloons to Kurt and walking away. Kurt couldn’t wait until he could see Blaine again so he could thank him. Kurt turned back to Puck.

“You see, Puckerman, that’s what you’re missing out on. _True love,”_ Kurt said earnestly.

The New Directions chatted amicably until the bell rang, signaling the end of lunch. Kurt hurried to his next class, knowing he wouldn’t be able to focus his mind on anything other than Blaine.

**K/B**

Wednesday passed by in a blur. Kurt was glad when it was finally Thursday evening and he could go to glee club. Singing proved to be his only distraction from Blaine’s absence. Kurt walked into the room, taking a seat in the front row. Tina entered the room with Mike. Instead of sitting with him she plopped down next to Kurt.

“How are you?” Tina asked, looking at him seriously.

“I’m fine, Tina. How are you?” Kurt asked politely.

“I’m worried about you. I know it’s been tough with Blaine’s injury and now he’s been gone all week. I just want you to know that I’m here for you if you feel the urge to _you know_ ,” Tina said awkwardly.

“Thanks, Tina. But I’m fine. I promise you I’m not going to break,” Kurt said with a sigh.

The entire club had been watching Kurt carefully since Blaine had left for Columbus. Kurt was tired of it. So far, only Tina had mustered up the nerve to discuss it with him. Kurt was tired of it. When Will entered the room, Kurt jumped up.

“Mr. Schue, I have something I’ve been working on.”

“All right, Kurt. Show us what you’ve got,” Will said as he took Kurt’s abandoned chair.

Kurt walked to the front of the room. He nodded to the band guys who began to play. Kurt took a deep breath before he sang.

_Everybody’s waiting._

_Everybody’s watching._

_Even when you’re sleeping,_

_Keep your ey-eyes open._

_The tricky thing_

_Is yesterday we were just children._

_Playing soldiers,_

_Just pretending._

_Dreaming dreams with happy endings._

_In backyards, winning battles with our wooden swords._

_But now we’ve stepped into a cruel world,_

_Where everybody stands and keeps score._

To Kurt it seemed like yesterday when he was playing dress-up with his mother. She’d let him put make-up on her and then he’d beg for her to put some on him. Burt would always say he was a boy and shouldn’t wear make-up even if it was just for play but Elizabeth simply said it made Kurt happy. That was back when Kurt _was_ happy. Things were simpler. Life was easy. Now the world had flipped upside down and everything was cruel and cold.

_Keep your eyes open._

_Everybody’s waiting for you to breakdown._

_Everybody’s watching to see the fallout._

_Even when you’re sleeping, sleeping._

_Keep your ey-eyes open._

_Keep your ey-eyes open._

_Keep your ey-eyes open._

There seemed to be a pattern in Kurt’s life. Things would finally begin to look up and then the world would come crashing down around him once more. This time it had taken Blaine with it. Without Blaine, Kurt was more distant from the people in his life than ever before. Each day, Kurt knew they were waiting for him to lose it, watching him for signs of a nervous breakdown. Kurt was watching too. He knew the risk of either happening was high. But he was taking care of himself. He didn’t need anyone else trying to do it for him.

_So here you are two steps ahead and staying on guard._

_Every lesson forms a new scar._

_They never thought you’d make it this far._

_But turn around, oh they’ve surrounded you._

_It’s a showdown and nobody comes to save you now._

_But you’ve got something they don’t._

_Yeah you’ve got something they don’t._

_You’ve just gotta keep your eyes open._

So far, in his opinion, Kurt was holding up well. He hadn’t hurt himself, no matter how badly he had wanted to. He felt incredibly weak, but where before he thought the razor made him stronger he had learned his lesson. His scars reminded him the razor was what made him weak. Kurt was proud of himself for not giving in this week. Nine months ago, he wouldn’t have had the strength without Blaine by his side. But no matter how the pain consumed him, he wouldn’t give in. No one was there to save him, so he would have to do it himself.

_Everybody’s waiting for you to breakdown._

_Everybody’s watching to see the fallout._

_Even when you’re sleeping, sleeping._

_Keep your ey-eyes open._

_Keep your ey-eyes open._

_Keep your ey-eyes._

_Keep your feet ready,_

_Heartbeat steady._

_Keep your eyes open._

_Keep your aim locked,_

_The night goes dark._

_Keep your eyes open._

The nights were hardest. Nights were always hard for Kurt, but normally he had Blaine to help him through. Blaine was always just a phone call away or a ten minute drive down the road. Now he was two hours away with no way to contact him. So Kurt watched himself even more carefully at night. He avoided his bathroom at all costs, using Finn’s so he wouldn’t be tempted to get his razor from its hiding spot. Kurt left his messenger bag in his Navigator each night, grabbing what he needed to complete his homework but leaving the rest so he wouldn’t be tempted. And if the urges got really bad, Kurt wouldn’t even enter his room.

_Everybody’s waiting for you to breakdown._

_Everybody’s watching to see the fallout._

_Even when you’re sleeping, sleeping._

_Keep your ey-eyes open._

_Keep your ey-eyes open._

_Keep your ey-eyes open._

_Keep your ey-eyes open._

_Keep your ey-eyes open._

Everyone applauded when Kurt was done. He offered a small smile as he took his seat once more. Will gave him a pat on the back as he walked back to the front of the room.

“That was wonderful, Kurt. Now, Rachel, I believe you had an announcement?”

“Yeah, actually Finn and I have an announcement we’d like to make,” Rachel said as they got to their feet and strode to the front of the room. “Finn and I are proud to announce that we’re finally getting married!”

The entire club was shocked. The room rang out with “Why?” and “What!” Not one of them had been expecting this turn of events.

“When’s the baby’s due date?” Puck asked.

“Have you guys seriously thought this out?” Will asked from where he was sitting in the back row.

“Yes and our parents completely support us,” Rachel answered, pointedly ignoring Puck’s comment. “Your plan to stop us by telling them backfired, Mr. Schue.”

“Actually, _I’m_ the one who told them,” Kurt spoke up. “I think you guys are making a mistake.”

“ _You_ told them?” Rachel asked with hurt clearly displayed on her face.

“I don’t want to see either of you getting hurt, Rachel,” Kurt answered. “I was only trying to stop you from making a mistake. I love you both. I want what’s best for you.”

“When’s the wedding?” Quinn asked, still in a state of shock.

“We don’t know yet but it’s going to be a simple ceremony at the Justice of the Peace and all of you are invited,” Rachel answered.

“You guys aren’t ready to face this type of commitment,” Quinn said. “You’re not old enough _or_ mature enough.”

“If you don’t support us you aren’t invited to the wedding,” Rachel said her face crestfallen. “Which makes me really sad because I would have loved to see you in a bridesmaid’s dress, Quinn, and you as well, Kurt.”

“I’d be happy to be a bridesmaid, Rachel,” Tina put in. “I know what being in love feels like.”

 _And I don’t?_ Kurt thought quietly to himself. Tina was insane if she thought Rachel and Finn were really ready for this. Sure, they would get married one day but that didn’t have to be this day.

“Thanks, guys,” Finn said appreciatively. “We hope the rest of you change your minds because it would mean a lot to us if you were all there.”

Kurt was glad when Artie changed the subject. He didn’t know how much longer he could bite his tongue before he blew up at his stepbrother and best friend. He hoped they would come to their senses before it was too late.

**K/B**

The next day, Kurt received one last Valentine’s card from Blaine. This one told him to go to Breadstix at half past six. Sugar’s party wasn’t until seven so that gave them plenty of time to catch up. He walked into Breadstix five minutes early, looking around to see if Blaine was already waiting on him. Kurt looked to his right, smiling when he saw the gorilla from Tuesday.

“I _knew_ it,” Kurt said as he turned to face the gorilla.

The gorilla handed him a heart-shaped box filled with candies. On top of the lid there was a note.

“’Dear Kurt, Happy Valentine’s Day. I think I love you.’” Kurt cocked his head, looking up in confusion. “Wait, you _think_ you love me?”

The gorilla reached up and took off the head of the suit. Kurt gasped. It wasn’t Blaine at all. It was Karofsky. Shocked, Kurt collapsed into the nearest seat.

“Are you okay?” Karofsky asked worriedly. He slipped out of the gorilla suit before sitting across from Kurt.

“I’m fine, just trying to process all of this,” Kurt said weakly. After a while he said, “So you tormented me, shoved me into lockers, called me horrible names, and _hate-kissed_ me. Now after one conversation at Scandals you want us to be together?”

“When I was at McKinley, I hated who I was. I took it out on you because you were so out and proud. I’ve wanted to talk to you since that night at Scandals. It’s taken me a long time but for the first time in my life I’m trying to be honest about who I am,” Karofsky said, reaching across the table to place his hand over Kurt’s.

Kurt pulled his hand away, saying gently, “I’m flattered. I really am but, David, you just _think_ that you love me. You don’t _really_ love me.”

“No,” Karofsky protested. “You helped me so much, Kurt. You don’t even know how much. I’m not out at school yet but maybe I’ll get up the courage next year.”

“David, look, I’m so proud of you. You’ve come so far and I want you to be happy. And you _will_ be happy. But I’m with Blaine. I _love_ Blaine; I don’t just think I do. And he loves me too.” Kurt paused. “I like you, but just as friends.”

“I should go,” Karofsky said, gathering his things as he stood up.

“Wait, no. You don’t have to go,” Kurt said, getting to his feet.

He watched as Karofsky began to walk away. The jock had only taken three steps when someone called out his name.

“Hey, Karofsky,” a smug blonde boy spoke.

“Nick,” Karofsky said nervously.

Kurt slowly walked to Karofsky’s side. He wondered how much this Nick guy had overheard. He hoped for Karofsky’s sake not much. He wasn’t ready to come out yet.

“You guys hanging out for Valentine’s Day?” Nick asked with a smirk.

“No, no, we used to go to the same school,” Kurt answered casually before Karofsky could speak. “We just bumped into each other.”

“That’s _exactly_ what it looked like,” Nick said sarcastically.

“I’ve got to go,” Karofsky said, heading for the door.

“David!” Kurt called out.

“I’ll talk to you later,” Karofsky said forcefully before exiting the building as fast as he could.

Kurt walked back to where they had been sitting. He felt awful. Karofsky had basically been outted and it was all his fault. The urge to hurt himself was stronger than ever and just when he was thinking about slipping away to the bathroom to give in, the New Directions arrived for the party. Kurt had never been more happy to see them.

**K/B**

Sugar’s party seemed to drag on forever. Thankfully, it was almost over as was Valentine’s Day. An entire week had passed without seeing or talking to Blaine and Kurt was happy to say he hadn’t cut himself once. Despite what had happened earlier that day, he was proud of himself. He couldn’t wait for Blaine to get back so he could tell him.

Kurt was just thinking about leaving the party early when Sugar took the microphone once more. She held the microphone with both hands, saying, “Okay, everybody, it’s time for my extra special guest, back from the dead, and cute and compact as ever!”

Sugar lifted her hand out towards the entrance of Breadstix. Kurt’s eyes snapped to where Sugar gestured. His heart stopped as his breath caught in his throat. A lone figure was standing at the front of the building. Kurt knew that body anywhere. Before he could call out, the person turned around and everyone cheered.

“Happy Valentine’s Day, everybody!” Blaine said happily. He appeared to be fully recovered though he wore a heart-shaped eye patch over his injured eye.

Kurt smiled widely, wanting nothing more than to run straight into Blaine’s arms. He longed to hold him forever and never let go. But before he could, Blaine was speaking again.

“This song is dedicated to all the _lovers_ in the room,” Blaine said, throwing off the eye patch. He began to sing as he walked up to the makeshift stage.

_If you see a faded sign at the side of the road that says,_

_“15 miles to the_

Mercedes cut in here as Blaine climbed up the stage. Brittany and Rachel grabbed the microphone stands next to her, adding their voices to build up a harmony.

_Love Shack!”_

_Love Shack, yeah, yeah._

_I’m headin’ down the Atlanta highway,_

_Lookin’ for the love getaway._

_Headed for the love getaway._

Blaine took the last microphone stand, taking over the melody. Mercedes, Brittany, and Rachel continued to harmonize their voices as Blaine sang.

_I got me a car; it’s as big as a whale._

_And we’re headin’ on down to the Love Shack._

_I got me a Chrysler, it seats about 20._

_So hurry up and bring your jukebox money!_

Mercedes stole the melody back. Blaine danced his way over to Kurt.

_The love shack is a little old place where we can get together._

_Love Shack, baby._

Blaine held a microphone out to Kurt, who shook his head in refusal. Blaine frowned. Kurt pulled out his own microphone and sang the next line, causing Blaine to smile widely.

_Love Shack, baby!_

Mercedes continued to sing with Rachel and Brittany backing her. Blaine grabbed Kurt’s tie and pulled him to his feet. He shimmied his shoulders in a way he knew Blaine loved while he allowed his lover to pull him to the stage.

_Love Shack, that's where it's at!_

_Love Shack, that's where it's at!_

Kurt took the microphone stand Blaine had abandoned and began to sing. He leaned his head back against Blaine’s shoulder, taking comfort in his presence. The angle hurt his neck and back as he was taller than Blaine. As he straightened back up, Blaine draped one arm over Kurt’s shoulder while he continued to dance beside him.

_Hop in my Chrysler, it's as big as a whale and it's about to set sail._

_I got me a car, it seats about 20,_

_So come on and bring your jukebox money!_

As Mercedes began to sing again, Blaine left Kurt to dance around the room. A group of people formed a long line behind him, dancing as Blaine led them around.

_The Love Shack is a little old place where we can get together!_

_Love Shack, baby._

Kurt wasn’t surprised that Blaine had taken a microphone with him. Blaine raised the mic to his lips and sang the next line.

_A-Love Shack, baby._

When Mercedes began to sing melody again, Blaine took over back-up. Kurt, Rachel, and Brittany harmonized their voices with Mercedes’s.

_Love Shack, baby, Love Shack_

_Love Shack, baby, Love Shack (Love, baby, that's where it's at)_

_Bang, bang, bang, on the door, baby._

As people knocked their fists on the tables, Blaine sang the next line.

_Knock a little louder, Sugar!_

Mercedes sang the next line. Kurt laughed as he saw Finn attempting to pull off some ridiculous dance moves.

_Bang, bang, bang, on the door, baby._

Kurt left the stage and began to slowly dance towards his boyfriend while Blaine sang the next line, Mercedes taking the one after him.

_I can't hear you!_

_Bang, bang, (on the door, baby)._

_Bang, bang, (on the door, baby)._

Kurt jumped off the table and danced to Blaine’s side. Blaine smiled at him as he sang.

_You’re what?_

Kurt lifted his microphone to his mouth, beaming at Blaine the entire time.

_Tin roof, rusted!_

Blaine pulled Kurt closer to him as they continued to dance.

_Love Shack, yeah!_

_Love Shack, baby, Love Shack (Love, baby, that's where it's at, yeah)._

_Love Shack, baby, Love Shack (Love, baby, that's where it's at)._

_Love, baby, Love Shack._

_At the Love Shack!_

As soon as the song ended, Kurt threw his arms around Blaine’s neck, kissing him deeply. Blaine smiled against his lips but pulled back, looking pointedly at the people around them. No one had noticed but Blaine wasn’t a big fan of public displays of affection. Kurt smiled, leaning down to whisper in Blaine’s ear, “Let’s get out of here.”

Before Blaine could speak, Kurt was pulling him out of the building and to his Navigator. He opened the passenger door for Blaine, smiling when Blaine kissed his cheek before climbing into the seat. Kurt hurried to the driver’s side and slipped behind the wheel.

“Let’s go to my place,” Blaine suggested. “My parents already left on a business trip.”

 _“Already?”_ Kurt asked in surprise. He had expected them to hang awhile a little longer seeing as how their son had just had surgery.

“It’s not a big deal,” Blaine said with a shrug. He was used to his parents being gone for long periods of time. They were home when it counted and that was the most he could ask for. Besides, with them away so often it gave Blaine and Kurt ample opportunities for private time.

Kurt pulled his car into the driveway at Blaine’s house. Kurt didn’t have time to cut the engine before Blaine was out and opening his car door. Kurt smiled fondly before kissing him passionately. They slowly made their way to the front door, only breaking apart so Blaine could unlock the door. Blaine pulled Kurt inside, kissing him again. They stumbled up the stairs as they kissed, falling into Blaine’s bed miraculously without injuries.

Breaking apart for air, Kurt whispered, “I missed you so much.”

“I missed you too, love,” Blaine said with a soft smile.

“We can’t go that long without talking ever again,” Kurt said earnestly.

“I’m sorry. I tried to sneak my phone but my mom made me put it on the kitchen counter before we left,” Blaine said with a frown.

“It’s okay,” Kurt said before crushing his mouth to Blaine’s.

Kurt licked his way into Blaine’s mouth, pushing off the coat to his suit. His lips moved down Blaine’s jaw to his neck as he unbuttoned Blaine’s shirt, pushing it down his shoulders and throwing it to the floor. They quickly undressed each other and Kurt reattached himself to Blaine’s throat.

“Mmm, Kurt,” Blaine moaned sensually as Kurt sucked at his pulse point.

Kurt pulled back to whisper, “Make love to me.”

Blaine flipped them over, kissing the spot behind Kurt’s ear that never failed to elicit a whimper from his mouth. Kurt forgot about everything as he focused on Blaine loving him and loving Blaine in return. For the time being, he had no worries, no cares, and no anxieties. He had Blaine back. Everything was perfect.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: As promised, here is the translation for “Au Jardin Des Sans Pourquoi” or “The Garden Without ‘Whys.’” If there are any mistakes I apologize. I got this translation from the internet.
> 
> Let’s go back before the war.
> 
> Before the end,
> 
> Before the need of all these prayers.
> 
> No evil.
> 
> No good.
> 
> No quavering words,
> 
> Nor clever words that we say when we don’t know.
> 
>  
> 
> Under a blue sky, a sky without clouds
> 
> Let’s go back there.
> 
> Without a storm,
> 
> Let’s go back there,
> 
> To the garden without ‘whys.’
> 
>  
> 
> I saw you walking there,
> 
> Under a rainbow.
> 
> Shining like a spark in the night,
> 
> I also saw you,
> 
> Falling from the sky,
> 
> Like a tear of St. Laurent, vanishing
> 
> In a blue sky, a sky without clouds.
> 
> Let’s go back there.
> 
> Without a storm.
> 
> Let’s go back,
> 
> To the garden without ‘whys.’


	30. Chapter 29:  On My Way

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Thanks to everyone who reviewed, favorited, or alerted this story! Because I am not likely to get a chance to update tomorrow, here is the chapter a day early. Again, if there is anything you want to see in the sequel I am taking prompts that I’ll definitely consider. I’d really like to hear what ya’ll want to see. The title of the sequel will be In Search of Utopia. I am not sure when I will start writing it, as I have five chapters of this story and the epilogue left to write. I’ll write several chapters of ISoU before I begin to post it. So if there is anything you’d like to see, please let me know!
> 
> Warnings for this chapter: cutting, suicide
> 
> Spoilers for: 3x14 – On My Way
> 
> Disclaimer: I don’t own Glee. “Cough Syrup” belongs to Young the Giant. “Disappear” belongs to Evanescence. “If Today Was Your Last Day” belongs to Nickelback. “Bring on the Rain” is by Jo Dee Messina featuring Tim McGraw.

Chapter Twenty-Nine:  On My Way

The entire glee club was in an uproar. As soon as Kurt and Rachel had the run in with Sebastian at the Lima Bean they sent out a massive text message to the entire group, even going so far as to include Will. An emergency meeting of the New Directions was called and the members converged on campus even though school didn’t start for another hour.

Kurt shouldn’t have been surprised that Sebastian would stoop so low as to blackmail them into dropping out of regionals. Personally, Kurt would have found it much more satisfying to beat them fair and square. It seemed Sebastian did not share the same feelings. Though the picture of Finn was obviously photoshopped, the club was determined that Sebastian would not get away with this.

“That’s it. I’m done,” Finn announced furiously as he got to his feet. “I’m going to beat Sebastian’s _ass_!”

“Finn, chill!” Will demanded, turning around to face him.

“No, I’m not going to chill. I’m _done_ chilling,” Finn said with rage.

“The Official Showchoir Rule Book states that ‘any perceived threat of violence, vandalism, or humiliation will be met with an unquestioned disqualification of the threatening party’s team with extreme prejudice,’” Artie said as Sam wheeled him over to the group of boys.

“Guys, I’ve told the headmaster at Dalton,” Will said as if that settled everything.

“Like you did when Sebastian almost _blinded_ me?” Blaine asked in disbelief. “What did they do then? The same thing they’re going to do now. Absolutely _nothing!”_

“None of this matters anyway,” Rachel said from her seat. “We’re not going to let him win like this. He’s not going to win at all. I’m going to perform at regionals.”

“Even if he’s going to post a photo of me like this if you do?” Finn asked, holding up the picture in question.

“Finn, I’m not going to negotiate with him,” Rachel said as she leaned forwards in her seat.

“Look, guys, the more successful you get the more garbage people are going to make up about you. People will _love_ to tear you down,” Will said after everyone but Finn had resumed their seats.

“I can’t believe you’d do that to me,” Finn said to Rachel, a hurt expression clouding his face.

“I don’t care about stuff like that,” Rachel said, abandoning her seat and walking towards Finn. “I love you and we’ll get through this together. The important thing now is that we win.”

“So you wouldn’t care if the same thing was happening to you?” Finn asked.

“Our future depends on us winning regionals,” Rachel said in a near whisper. “This will help me with my NYADA application.”

“I hope you get in,” Finn said before he walked out of the room.

Blaine shook his head before following him. Will dismissed the rest of the club and Kurt took off after Blaine. He found him in the auditorium, pacing around the stage. His hands were clasped in front of him and it was obvious he was still angry.

“You okay?” Kurt asked dismally. “You seemed upset. And if Sebastian thinks-”

“ _Forget_ about Sebastian!” Blaine exclaimed, holding his hands up in the air. “I’m not mad at you. I just don’t want to waste any more time on him. I want to focus on winning. We all should. I’ve got a new song I’ve been working on. The theme for regionals is inspiration and I think this fits the bill. Do you want to hear it?”

“Of course,” Kurt said with a smile.

Kurt walked to the edge of the stage and sat down on a stool. Blaine pulled out a microphone stand from one of the wings and put it in the middle of the stage. He looked at Kurt as he began to sing.

_Life's too short to even care at all, whoa._

_I'm losing my mind, losing my mind, losing contro-o-ol._

_These fishes in the sea they're staring at me whoa, whoa._

_A wet world aches for a beat of a drum._

_Whoa, whoa._

Kurt knew why Blaine had chosen this song. It was certainly inspirational. It reminded Kurt that he wasn’t alone on his road to recovery. Often times Kurt felt like he was crazy. Surely only a crazy person would willingly cut into their own flesh, no matter if it gave him a reprieve from his pain. And of course everyone said he wasn’t crazy, that he was just sick, but that didn’t make Kurt feel any better.

_If I could find a way to see this straight,_

_I'd run away._

_To some fortune that I, I should have found by now._

_I'm waiting for this cough syrup to come down, come down._

If there was some magical way for Kurt to get better, without doing it the hard way, he would run in that direction as fast as possible. Kurt felt he should have been farther in his recovery. The antidepressants helped but not always. He longed for a magic pill to take that would fix everything, that would fix him.

_Life's too short to even care at all, whoa._

_I'm coming up now, coming up now out of the blue, whoa._

_These zombies in the park, they're looking for my heart._

_Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa._

_A dark world aches for a splash of the sun whoa, whoa._

When the darkness had clouded his mind, he longed for something, someone, to pull him out into the light. Blaine had been that person. Kurt had gone months believing the blade was his savior. Now, thanks to Blaine, he knew it for what it was:  a dangerous, addictive object. The blade had taken over his heart, mind, and soul. Now he was fighting to take them back.

_If I could find a way to see this straight,_

_I'd run away._

_To some fortune that I, I should have found by now._

_And so I run now to the things they said could restore me,_

_Restore life the way it should be._

_I'm waiting for this cough syrup to come down._

Restoration was Kurt’s wish. He longed to go back to the person he was before he started cutting. But Kurt knew, no matter what, he would never be that person. No matter how hard he tried, that person was dead and gone. Kurt listened to Dr. Madsen and took her advice into consideration, more often than not following it, but even that would not restore him to his old self. Nothing ever would.

_One more spoon of cough syrup now, whoa._

_One more spoon of cough syrup now, whoa._

Blaine looked up as the song ended and the lights, which had been dimmed, shone bright again. He looked to Kurt to see his reaction and was shocked when he saw his boyfriend crying. Blaine was by his side in a heartbeat. He knelt in front of Kurt, taking his hands and kissing them.

“What’s wrong?” Blaine asked, not understanding why Kurt would be crying.

“I’m sorry. It’s just the lyrics reminded me of everything I’ve been through . . . how desperately I was looking for a solution to the pain when I started cutting. . . . It reminded me of badly I fucked _everything_ up,” Kurt said the last sentence with venom.

Blaine was shocked at Kurt’s tone. He put a finger under Kurt’s chin, turning it slightly so he was looking straight into Kurt’s eyes. Blaine’s eyes shone with compassion as he spoke, “You haven’t screwed up, baby. It’s been two weeks since you last cut and you’ve gone two _months_ before. That’s a big accomplishment. It wasn’t easy for you, love. You’re strong, Kurt, _so_ strong. I know you can beat this, and you _will_ , Kurt, you will.”

“I know it’s been two weeks, but I still have urges,” Kurt said bitterly.

“Urges are just a fork in the road, baby. You can turn left and give in or you can go right and prove that you don’t need to do that to yourself anymore. You haven’t given in, baby. That’s what matters,” Blaine stressed.

“You’re right,” Kurt said. “I’m sorry. I’m an emotional basket case.”

“No, you’re not. You’ve been through a lot in a short amount of time. But you’ve gotten through it and you’re all the stronger for it. You’re the bravest person I know,” Blaine said with a smile.

“You must not know very many brave people then,” Kurt said with a sly grin.

“Shut up,” Blaine said with a laugh. He wrapped a hand behind Kurt’s neck and pulled him down for a kiss.

Blaine knew Kurt continued to struggle with his cutting. But he also knew Kurt would get through it. One way or another, he would beat this thing.

**K/B**

Kurt was surprised when Will called him out of his English class the next day, telling Kurt to gather his belongings. Kurt put his notes and textbook back into his messenger bag before slipping it over his shoulder and following Will out to the hall. Kurt immediately noticed the stunned sadness in his teacher’s eyes.

“What’s wrong?” Kurt asked. “Is it my dad?”

“No, Kurt. Your dad is fine. It’s David Karofsky,” Will said.

“What about David?” Kurt asked, raising an eyebrow in confusion. Why would Will be coming to tell him anything about the jock? As far as Will knew, Kurt hadn’t spoken to him since Karofsky had transferred to his new school.

“Kurt . . . David tried to kill himself last night,” Will said gently.

 _“What?”_ Kurt asked with wide eyes.

“His dad found him before. . . . He’s in the hospital now. He’s going to be all right. I just thought you should know,” Will said. He laid a hand on Kurt’s shoulder. “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine,” Kurt lied. The bell rang signaling the end of the school day. “I should go.”

“You know you can come to me if you need to talk,” Will reminded him.

“I know. Thanks, Mr. Schue. I’ll see you tomorrow,” Kurt said before turning around and disappearing around the corner. He looked behind him to make sure Will wasn’t following him before he slipped into the nearest bathroom.

This was Kurt’s fault. Karofsky had called him nine times since their last conversation and Kurt hadn’t answered, not once. If he had, if he had just taken one of those phone calls, he could have prevented this. Kurt disappeared into the nearest stall, dropping to his knees. He found his razor in his messenger bag. Looking at it for the first time in two weeks, Kurt bit his lip. He pulled up his shirt and rested the blade against the skin of his stomach.

“I’m sorry, Blaine,” he whispered before pushing the blade in.

Kurt sighed in relief as his pain washed away from him. He drug the blade upward, letting out a deep breath he didn’t know he’d been holding. Kurt knew what was happening in his brain. His amygdala, which stored memories related to emotional events, was remembering how he had reacted to emotional trauma in the past and determined how he should react to it. Because Kurt had turning to cutting so often in the past, his brain told him to do it now. When Kurt cut himself, his brain released endorphins which served as natural pain relievers and freed him of his emotional anguish. That feeling was the source of his addiction.

Slipping the razor back into his messenger bag, Kurt pulled out the necessary first aid equipment. He dressed his wounds before hiding everything away and exiting the stall. Looking in the mirror, Kurt frowned as he took in his red-rimmed eyes. It was no use pretending he was all right. Everyone would know in an instant he had been crying. As if on cue, the new kid, Joe, walked into the bathroom.

“Hey, Kurt, right?” he asked, walking towards him. “I’m Joe.”

“I know,” Kurt said not unkindly.

“Are you okay?” Joe asked.

“I’m fine. It’s just the whole Karofsky thing,” Kurt replied vaguely.

“I understand. Look, we’re praying for him in the God Squad meeting. You should come,” Joe offered.

“Thanks. I need to go by my locker first but then I’ll be there,” Kurt answered.

“Great,” Joe said with a smile.

Kurt dropped by his locker, putting up the books he didn’t need. He closed the door and leaned his head back against the wall. _I can do this_ , he thought to himself. Sure, he didn’t believe in God, but he had to do something about Karofsky. He just didn’t know what. Resigning himself, Kurt walked into the room as Quinn was talking.

“I’ve been put through the ringer and I never contemplated _that_ ,” Quinn said softly.

“Quinn, please,” Kurt said, stepping further into the room. “Yes, you had a baby at sixteen and you had a bad dye job for two weeks. But the world never stopped loving you. I mean, you’re going to Yale. You have no idea what Karofsky was struggling with.”

“You’re really trying to _compare_ -”

Kurt cut her off, “The despair, the self-loathing.”

“It doesn’t matter,” Quinn said with a shake of her head. “I just can’t imagine things getting so bad that you would consider taking your own life.”

“That is so harsh and reductive,” Kurt said as he walked closer. “Why can’t you have some compassion? Do you know what they’re still writing on his Facebook? ‘Better luck next time’ and ‘Try, try again.’”

“Why are you even here, Kurt?” Quinn asked without looking at him. “You don’t believe in God.”

Kurt looked away. He should have known he wouldn’t be accepted here. Not when he had made his beliefs very clear in the past.

“I invited him to come and he said yes,” Joe said quietly.

“Joe said you were praying for Karofsky and after everything that we’ve been through I didn’t have anywhere else to go,” Kurt said with defeat.

Everyone looked at him with sympathy. No one spoke. No one knew what to say. The fact was there was nothing they could say to make things right, to make things better.

“I feel responsible,” Kurt admitted. “He asked me out and I said no. He kept calling me . . . if I had just answered one of those _stupid_ calls.”

Kurt wiped his tears away with his sleeve. Mercedes got up and hugged him. When she pulled back she kept an arm around his waist.

“We’re taking an Edible Arrangement to the hospital. Do you want to come with us?” she asked.

Kurt nodded. He kissed her cheek in thanks before leaving the room. He headed for his car, knowing Blaine was probably waiting for him. The other boys of the glee club had agreed to meet to discuss what could be done about Sebastian and Blaine had joined them to try to persuade them to forget about Sebastian and focus instead on winning regionals. Sure enough, Blaine was leaning against his Navigator when Kurt walked out into the parking lot.

“I’ve been looking for you,” Blaine said, pushing himself off of the car. As Kurt neared him he could tell he had been crying. Blaine opened his arms to him. “Come here.”

Kurt ran into his arms, sobbing against his chest as Blaine’s arms wrapped around him tightly. Kurt allowed himself to completely let go of his emotions. Blaine pressed a kiss to his hair, sliding his hand into Kurt’s jeans pocket, with some difficulty they were skinny jeans after all, and retrieved his keys. He helped Kurt into the car before climbing behind the wheel and driving them to Kurt’s house. Burt and Carole were still at work and Finn was at Rachel’s. Normally they would take full advantage of the house being empty but now that was the last thing on either of their minds.

Blaine held Kurt’s hand as they ascended the stairs. They entered Kurt’s room and dropped their messenger bags on the floor beside the door. Kurt climbed onto the bed, sniffling. Blaine was glad to see he was no longer crying. Blaine sat down beside him, placing a hand on his knee. Sighing, Blaine asked the question he had been dreading the answer to.

“Did you hurt yourself?”

Kurt bit his lip and began to cry again as he nodded, whimpering, “I’m sorry.”

“I’m not mad, baby. I just wish you had come to me,” Blaine said as he wiped the tears from Kurt’s eyes. “I’m worried about you. I don’t want this to break you. I don’t want you to relapse. I want to take your pain away and I can’t. But I _can’t_ let you fall apart either.”

When Kurt continued to cry, Blaine closed his eyes against his own tears. When he was satisfied that he wouldn’t break down, he went to Kurt’s iPod and switched it for his own. He scrolled through the list of songs before he found the one he was looking for and pressed play.

_Hollow, like you don't remember me._

_Underneath everything I guess I always dreamed,_

_That I would be the one to take you away from all this wasted pain._

_But I can't save you from yourself._

Blaine wanted nothing more than to take Kurt away from his pain. He wanted to be the one to fix him. But Blaine couldn’t save Kurt from himself, as much as he yearned for it. But he could _help_ him save himself. Blaine could be there whenever Kurt needed him, and whenever he didn’t need him. That was one thing Dr. Madsen was always stressing. Nobody could make Kurt recover but himself. His friends and family could only be there to assist along the way.

_Don't you want to feel?_

_Don't you want to live your life?_

_How much longer are you gonna give into the fear?_

_Holding you down until you're frozen._

_I can't let you fall apart._

_You don't even know what you've done to me._

_But I would be the one to take you away from all this wasted pain._

_If you could just wake up._

Some days it seemed like Kurt was in a trance, his mind frozen from the pain. The fact was that Kurt wasn’t living his life to the fullest. He couldn’t as long as he was hurting himself. Blaine hated seeing the self-inflicted wounds on his boyfriend’s body. He couldn’t stand to watch Kurt fall apart but he felt helpless to stop it.

_Don't you want to feel?_

_Don't you want to live your life?_

_How much longer are you gonna give into the fear?_

_Holding you down until you're_

Kurt was fearful of the pain. He always wished it wouldn’t return. But it always did. The pain gripped him and wouldn’t let him go. It suffocated him until Kurt felt he was out of options. It held him down and he was helpless to escape without the help of the blade.

_All alone,_

_All alone and drowning in your past._

_Take it back,_

_Take it back, I still believe you can._

Again, Kurt wished he could take back his mistakes. He wished he had never cut. Every day, Kurt remembered his past. He felt he was drowning in the memories with no one else to help him; he was all alone. But every day Blaine reminded him that he would get through this. Blaine knew he could. And while Kurt would always remember his past, Blaine remained confident that Kurt would learn from it. After everything they had been through, Blaine still believed Kurt was capable of doing so.

_Don't you want to feel?_

_Don't you want to live your life?_

_How much longer are you gonna give into the fear?_

_I can't go on pretending so give me something real._

_No one in your way but you._

_How much longer are you gonna give into the fear?_

_Holding you down till you disappear._

For so long, Blaine had kept his fears silent. But the entire time it was eating away at him. But he couldn’t pretend it wasn’t bothering him anymore. He had to be honest with Kurt. Blaine felt the only thing in the way of Kurt’s recovery was himself. He didn’t mean it was Kurt’s fault, he didn’t blame Kurt, but in the end Kurt controlled his actions. Blaine was afraid he would let the cutting take over him completely and the boy that he loved would disappear, becoming someone else.

Kurt flung himself into Blaine’s arms, holding on to him tightly. He hissed in pain as his stomach brushed against Blaine’s but didn’t pull away. Instead he spoke softly in Blaine’s ear, “You’re right. I’m sorry. I can’t let my cutting control me but I _can_ control it.”

Blaine kissed him gently when Kurt pulled away. He grasped the hem of Kurt’s shirt. As he pulled it upwards he said, “Let me see.”

Kurt raised his arms and allowed Blaine to remove his shirt. Sighing unhappily, Blaine dropped to his knees in front of Kurt. He gently pulled the bandage off of Kurt’s wound, tossing it into the trash can. Blaine pressed a light kiss over the wound before moving his lips upward to the scar above it. Scars marred Kurt’s ribcage and Blaine kissed each one. When he was finished with Kurt’s stomach, Blaine turned his attention to Kurt’s arms. He kissed every scar on both of his arms. Afterwards, he rested his head on Kurt’s stomach, careful to avoid his wound. Kurt ran a hand through his gelled hair, knowing Blaine was upset.

Suddenly, Blaine’s phone chimed. Standing up, Blaine pulled it from his pocket. He frowned at the message.

“What is it?” Kurt asked.

“Sebastian wants to meet with us,” Blaine said with a frown. He handed Kurt his shirt.

Slipping it over his head, Kurt said, “Send it to Santana. She’ll want to be there for this.”

**K/B**

Kurt was surprised to see Brittany step out of Santana’s car when they got the Lima Bean. He hadn’t expected her to come but then again, she was always with Santana.

“Do you know what he wants?” Santana asked as they walked towards the door.

“Not a clue,” Kurt answered.

“Well then, let’s go find out,” Santana said as she pushed the door open.

Santana caught sight of Sebastian first and stalked towards him. Brittany, Blaine, and Kurt followed. Santana took the seat across from him and leaned intimidatingly across the table.

“All of this vicious underhanded crap has _got_ to stop,” Santana said venomously.

"I agree,” Sebastian said, surprising them all. “That’s why I called you here. First, Blaine, I am sorry about your eye.”

“That means nothing to me,” Blaine said coldly.

Kurt reached for his hand, squeezing it tightly. There was no doubt in his mind that Blaine was done appeasing Sebastian. Kurt wished it had stopped long ago, maybe then things would have been different, but he was glad it happened in the long run.

“Just give me a chance. I have no excuses for what I did, other than a lame prank got out of hand. Second, the pictures of Finn have all been destroyed. I want the Warblers to win, fair and square. And we’re going to take donations for Lady Gaga’s Born This Way foundation. Win, lose, or draw, we’re going to dedicate our performance to Dave Karofsky. I thought you might want to join us,” Sebastian said.

Kurt slid his eyes to Blaine, saying, “Wait for the punch. You know its coming.”

“No,” Sebastian said, shaking his head. “Not this time. I’ve treated everything like a big joke for far too long. I insulted Karofsky multiple times. I never thought about his feelings. It’s all fun and games until someone gets hurt.”

“You’re a _despicable_ human being!” Kurt exclaimed, losing his cool. “You only care about _yourself_ and _your_ feelings!”

“Kurt,” Blaine said but Kurt ignored him.

“You’re a selfish bastard! You don’t give a rat’s ass about anyone else. All you ever do is tear people down for your own amusement,” Kurt yelled.

Blaine took Kurt by the arm and pulled him out of the Lima Bean as Kurt continued to yell profanities at Sebastian. Santana and Brittany followed, both shocked by Kurt’s outburst. They had never seen Kurt this angry.

“I’m going to take Kurt home,” Blaine said, turning to Santana and Brittany. “We’ll see you tomorrow.”

Brittany and Santana said their goodbyes. The four split into their respective couples and went their own ways.

**K/B**

Two days later, Will told the glee club they were meeting in the auditorium. Everyone filed in, forming a circle. Blaine was the last to enter and frowned when he saw Rory and Mike sitting on either side of Kurt. He sat beside Will, waiting for him to begin. Blaine had expected Will had something special up his sleeve, but frowned when he simply announced Rory had never tried peanut butter and offered him a jar with a spoon.

“Mr. Schue, while that’s all very moving, it’s been an emotional week for some of us,” Kurt said. He laced his fingers together, resting his chin on them.

“Yeah, Mr. Schue. What’s the point of this?” Finn asked, leaning back on his arms.

“The point is Rory just had a brand new experience. You guys are young. I want you to promise me that no matter how depressed you get, no matter how hopeless or alone you feel, you will try your best to imagine all of the _amazing_ experiences you have ahead of you,” Will said compassionately.

“Mr. Schue,” Mercedes began, “I know we can be a little dramatic but I don’t think any of us would ever consider taking their own life.”

“I did,” Will admitted. “During my junior year, I got caught cheating on my math midterm. The principal called my dad to come pick me up. How was I supposed to look him in the eye? I knew he was going to be _so_ disappointed in me. I walked up to the roof and looked over the edge. One step and all of the pain and humiliation would be over.”

“Is that true?” Kurt asked, tearing up.

“That day, it felt like it was the end of the world. But you know what? It wasn’t. Everyone has something that might take them up to that edge,” Will paused. “And look at all the things I would have missed out on. I never would have met you guys. I would have missed out on _everything_.”

Kurt began to cry, burying his face in his hands. Blaine walked across the circle and pulled him into his arms. No one spoke for a long time. When Kurt had finally stopped crying, he lifted his head to see the entire club looking at him with sympathy.

“Are you okay, Kurt?” Will asked worriedly.

“No,” Kurt answered softly. He swallowed past the lump in his throat. He could do this. He knew he could trust these people who had become his family. Kurt took a deep breath before he began.

“Everyone knows about my cutting. It started as a way to rid myself of the pain, the depression, the anxiety. But before I started cutting, before I transferred to Dalton, I was _miserable_. Day in and day out, I was tormented not just by bullies but in my own head. I thought nothing would ever get better. . . . I wanted to die.”

The club gasped as a whole. They had known Kurt was having a hard time, but not bad enough to end his life. Blaine tightened his arms around Kurt. Even he hadn’t known about this.

“I even had it planned out, how it would happen . . . how I would die. But then everything changed.”

“What changed?” Blaine asked gently.

Kurt turned his face towards him, smiling slightly as he said, “I met you. You gave me hope that things would get better. And they _have_ gotten better. Maybe not one hundred percent, but I haven’t given up. I’m _still_ fighting. And I’ll keep fighting until I have this thing beat. I don’t want to die anymore. I want to live.”

Blaine smiled weakly at him, pressing a kiss to his hand. He looked back up at Kurt, speaking quietly, “Promise me that if you ever have the slightest thought like that again, you’ll tell me. I couldn’t bear it if I lost you.”

“I promise,” Kurt said. He got to his feet, pulling Blaine up with him. “Life’s too short. Blaine and I have been working on something inspirational. I hope you’ll join us.”

The rest of the club stood as the band began to play behind them. Kurt began to sing with Blaine harmonizing his voice to Kurt’s.

_My best friend gave me the best advice._

_He said “Each day's a gift and not a given right._

_Leave no stone unturned, leave your fears behind._

_And try to take the path less traveled by._

_That first step you take is the longest stride.”_

_(What if? What if?)_

After everything he had been through, Kurt knew not a single day should be taken for granted. You had to abandon your fears and jump in. The hardest part was taking that first step, but once you did you begin to see the light on the other side. Kurt knew that from experience. The New Directions joined in as they sang the chorus.

_If today was your last day,_

_And tomorrow was too late,_

_Could you say goodbye to yesterday?_

_(What if? What if?)_

_Would you live each moment like your last?_

_Leave old pictures in the past?_

_Donate every dime you have?_

_(What if? What if?)_

_If today was your last day._

Kurt didn’t want to have any regrets if he died tomorrow. He wanted to live each day like it was his last day on Earth, because he didn’t know when that day would come. He wanted to be able to say he had made a difference in somebody’s life. He wanted to live his life to the fullest. No second thoughts. No regrets. Blaine picked up the melody and Kurt sang harmony.

_(What if? What if?)_

_(If today was your last day.)_

_Against the grain should be a way of life._

_What's worth the prize is always worth the fight._

_Every second counts 'cause there's no second try._

_So live it like you'll never live it twice._

_Don't take the free ride in your own life._

_(What if? What if?)_

Blaine didn’t want to conform to society’s norm. He wanted to shine and show the unique person that he was. He didn’t want his fears to control him. If he saw something worthy, he would fight for it. Every second of life counts as that could be the one second when you make a difference. Blaine didn’t want to take the easy way out. He wanted to live each day like he was dying.

_If today was your last day,_

_And tomorrow was too late,_

_Could you say goodbye to yesterday?_

_(What if? What if?)_

_Would you live each moment like your last?_

_Leave old pictures in the past?_

_Donate every dime you have?_

_(What if? What if?)_

_And would you call old friends you never see?_

_Reminisce old memories?_

_Would you forgive your enemies?_

_(What if? What if?)_

_Would you find that one you're dreamin' of?_

_Swear up and down to God above,_

_That you finally fall in love?_

_(Finally fall in love.)_

_If today was your last day._

Blaine wanted to remember the past, learn from it, and then leave it. It did no good to dwell on the past because it couldn’t be changed. That didn’t mean all memories had to be forgotten. He would keep the fond memories of his friends and family forever. But he didn’t want to live his life by his mistakes. He wanted to forgive and learn from his enemies. And above all, he wanted to love with his whole heart, which he did each and every day with Kurt. With this thought, Blaine took back over the harmony while Kurt sang the melody.

_If today was your last day,_

_Would you make your mark by mending a broken heart?_

_You know it's never too late to shoot for the stars,_

_Regardless of who you are._

_So do whatever it takes,_

_'Cause you can't rewind a moment in this life._

_Let nothin' stand in your way,_

_‘Cause the hands of time are never on your side._

Kurt knew too well that broken hearts could be mended. His own heart was still on the mend, but with Blaine’s help it was becoming whole again. He had been hurt before but he wouldn’t let that keep him from achieving his dreams. Kurt would seize each moment and cherish it, because there was no rewind button on life. Nothing would stand in the way of his dream because time was too short.

_If today was your last day,_

_And tomorrow was too late,_

_Could you say goodbye to yesterday?_

_Would you live each moment like your last?_

_Leave old pictures in the past?_

_Donate every dime you have?_

_(What if? What if?)_

_Would you call old friends you never see?_

_Reminisce old memories?_

_Would you forgive your enemies?_

_(What if? What if?)_

_Would you find that one you're dreamin' of?_

_Swear up and down to God above,_

_That you finally fall in love?_

_(What if? What if?)_

_If today was your last day._

Everyone joined in a massive group hug before they all slowly departed. Kurt and Blaine lagged behind. Blaine walked over to stand in front of him.

“What’re you thinking about?” Blaine asked.

“You won’t like it,” Kurt said.

“Tell me,” Blaine insisted.

“I just wonder if I would have had the courage to end my life. Karofsky did. I still feel like it’s my fault,” Kurt said sadly.

“It isn’t your fault, baby,” Blaine said soothingly. “You could have told Karofsky things would get better but he wouldn’t have believed you. And as for having the courage to take your own life, I _never_ want to hear you speak like that again. If things ever get that bad, you come to me.”

“I will,” Kurt promised. “I love you.”

“I love you too.”

“Forever.”

“Always.”

**K/B**

Blaine had to stay after school to make up a test he had missed last week while he was in Columbus, so they had taken separate cars to school that day. Kurt drove himself home, his mind tormented with memories. He may not be suicidal any longer, but he remembered all too well how it felt to not want to live. The pain seized his heart until Kurt couldn’t stand it any longer.

Kurt went into his bathroom, pulling off his shirt and dropping it on the floor. He grabbed his razor from its hiding spot and lowered it to his arm. He sliced into his skin, but it wasn’t enough. He did it again, and again, and again, but it still wasn’t enough. So he continued to drag the blade across his flesh until he didn’t feel anymore.

**K/B**

It didn’t take Blaine long to finish his test. Thirty minutes later, he was pulling into Kurt’s driveway. He let himself in, hurrying up the stairs to Kurt’s room. He knocked on the door. The door swung open. He didn’t see Kurt anywhere but a light shone from under his bathroom door. A sick feeling settled in Blaine’s gut as he strode to the bathroom and opened the door. He gasped at the sight that greeted him.

Kurt was slumped on the floor of the bathroom, shirtless, with cuts up and down his entire left forearm. There were at least thirty of them and Blaine could tell several of them needed stitches. Blaine’s eyes ran from Kurt’s left arm to his right hand where the razor was still clasped tightly between his fingers. Blaine took it away from Kurt with little effort. Kurt was lost too far in his own mind to struggle with him.

Blaine grabbed a towel and pressed it to Kurt’s arm, raising it above his head. He turned his head towards the open door and yelled, “Burt, I need help!”

Burt raced up the stairs, eyes widening in horror when he saw his son. Blaine was still holding the towel to Kurt’s arm but blood was soaking through it, staining Blaine’s hand.

“We need to get him to the hospital. He needs stitches,” Blaine said.

Burt nodded numbly, shouting at Carole to start the car. Blaine lifted Kurt into his arms easily and carried him down the stairs. Burt opened the car door for him and they hurried to the hospital.

Kurt came back to himself as Blaine carried him into the Emergency Room. He immediately asked for forgiveness and Blaine assured him everything would be all right. Kurt was taken back to a room without waiting. Like last time, the doctor asked him the routine questions before numbing his arm and stitching the wounds that required it.

A few hours later, they were climbing back into the car. In the end, Kurt had thirty-four lacerations, eight of which needed stitches. Blaine was extremely worried. Kurt had never binged that badly before. Once they got home, Kurt asked if Blaine could stay the night and Burt gave his approval.

Blaine helped him up the stairs. Kurt’s arm still hurt if he moved it so Blaine helped him undress. With a little embarrassment, Kurt asked if he could help him shower. Blaine nodded sweetly and kissed him on the lips, telling him not to be embarrassed. If Kurt needed help he shouldn’t be afraid to ask for it.

After a completely innocent shower, Blaine helped Kurt into a pair of pajamas before getting dressed himself. They slipped into bed, both exhausted from the long day and the even longer night. Kurt curled into Blaine, listening to his heart as it beat steadily. To Kurt, it sounded like it beat just for him.

**K/B**

The next day, Kurt and Blaine slept later than the rest of the house. By the time they awoke, Burt and Carole had both gone to work and Finn was at school. Burt had left them a note on the refrigerator door, telling them to call if they needed anything and they were both excused from school for the day.

Blaine cooked them a breakfast of scrambled eggs and toast. They ate in silence, comfortable in each other’s company. When they finished, Kurt put their dishes in the dishwasher. Blaine had disappeared into the living room and Kurt followed him.

“I’m sorry about last night,” Kurt said as he sat down next to his boyfriend.

“I know, baby. You can stop apologizing,” Blaine said, turning to face him. He placed one hand over Kurt’s.

“I want you to know I’m not giving up. Last night it may have seemed like it but I’m not, I swear. It might take a while but I’m going to beat this thing. I’m not going to let it win.” Kurt stood up, pulling Blaine to his feet. “Come on, I want to show you something.”

Kurt led Blaine to the piano, sitting down on the bench. A picture of his mother hung behind the instrument and Kurt smiled at it. Whenever he played, he always felt like she was there beside him. Tearing his eyes away from the picture, Kurt raised his hands over the keys.

_Another day has almost come and gone._

_Can’t imagine what else could go wrong._

_Sometimes I’d like to hide away somewhere and lock the door._

_A single battle lost but not the war ‘cause_

Kurt had scared himself the night before. He had never had a cutting binge that serious, except for when he passed out and Blaine found him. But even then he hadn’t cut in such a high quantity. He knew relapses were a part of recovery but with each one he felt like he took two steps forward and one step back. Kurt felt like he was at war with himself; last night he had lost one battle but he had yet to lose the entire war. And he was determined that it would not happen.

_Tomorrow’s another day,_

_And I’m thirsty anyway._

_So bring on the rain._

_It’s almost like the hard times circle ‘round._

_A couple drops and they all start coming down._

Whenever things started looking up, they turned bad again. Kurt had started to hold his breath whenever something good happened, waiting with bated breath for the bad because he knew it was coming. Blaine began to sing softly, harmonizing his voice with Kurt’s.

_Yeah, I might feel defeated._

_And I might hang my head._

Whenever Kurt gave into temptation and hurt himself, he felt like he had been conquered by his disease. He was shameful when he told Blaine what he had done. But he drew his strength back up and continued the fight. Blaine dropped out as Kurt sang the next line.

_I might be barely breathing – but I’m not dead, no ‘cause_

Blaine was proud of Kurt. He knew he was fighting with himself each and every day. He knew it was exhausting for Kurt, but he didn’t give up. He kept going on, no matter what. Blaine smiled at Kurt as he began to sing again.

_Tomorrow’s another day._

_And I’m thirsty anyway._

_So bring on the rain._

_No, I’m not gonna let it get me down._

_I’m not gonna cry._

_And I’m not gonna lose any sleep tonight ‘cause,_

Kurt was tired of the depression. He was tired of crying. He was tired of the fight. But even as exhausted as he was, he kept going. Kurt drew in a deep breath as he sang the next lines alone.

_Tomorrow’s another day._

_And I am not afraid._

_So bring on the rain._

Blaine knew everything they had gone through had strengthened their relationship. They were completely honest with each other, no matter what. They had been through a lot and Blaine knew whatever else life threw at them they would get through that too. With this thought, he raised up his voice to harmonize with Kurt’s.

_Tomorrow’s another day._

_And I’m thirsty anyway._

_So bring on the rain._

_Bring on, bring on, the rain._

_No, I’m not gonna let it get me down._

_I’m not gonna cry._

_So bring on the rain._

_Bring on, bring on, the rain._

_Bring on the rain._

_Bring on the rain._

_Bring on the rain._

When Kurt was done, Blaine pulled him onto his feet and into his arms. No words were spoken; none were needed. Blaine claimed Kurt’s lips in a sweet kiss, pouring all of his love into it. Kurt wrapped his arms around Blaine’s neck, pulling him closer. He deepened the kiss, greedily licking his way into Blaine’s mouth. Blaine pulled back, groaning against Kurt’s lips, “Upstairs, now.”

Somehow they made their way up the stairs as they continued to kiss. Once in Kurt’s room they undressed one another. Kurt knew Blaine was looking at his wounded arm and closed his eyes.

“Hey, don’t. Don’t do that,” Blaine said, cupping Kurt’s cheek with one hand. “You don’t have to hide from me, love. Not ever.”

Kurt drew in a deep breath, opening his eyes to see Blaine’s hazel ones shining back at him. Blaine brought his other hand up to cradle Kurt’s face and pulled him in for another kiss. They fell back against the bed, quickly losing themselves to the passion. In that moment, Blaine wasn’t a former Warbler and Kurt wasn’t a cutter. They were simply Kurt and Blaine.

**K/B**

Regionals passed by in a blur. It seemed like Kurt blinked and suddenly they were being handed a trophy. He was surprised when Blaine walked across the stage and shook Sebastian’s hand, but didn’t protest. He was tired of fighting. Blaine was his and he knew nothing would ever change that, especially not Sebastian Smythe.

Kurt and Blaine headed towards the choir room to change out of their regional outfits when they passed Quinn sporting her old Cheerios uniform. The choir room was empty as most everyone was still in the auditorium celebrating.

Blaine spun Kurt around until he had his back against the wall, Blaine pressing him up against it. He crushed his lips to Kurt’s in a passionate kiss. Kurt moaned as Blaine licked his way into his mouth. Their tongues tangled together in a fight for dominance. Kurt rolled his hips into Blaine’s, causing them both to groan, and reminding Blaine of where they were. He pulled himself away from Kurt, still keeping him caged against the wall.

“Whatever’s gotten into you, I like it,” Kurt said breathlessly.

Blaine laughed before his face turned serious. He said, “I’ve been worried about you all week. Especially since you confessed that you’d thought of suicide before and after last night. . . . Both scared the shit out of me. I’m just glad that you’re alive and I want to celebrate that every moment of every day. Life’s too short.”

“I know what you’re going to say but I’m still sorry about yesterday. I don’t know what happened. I did it once and it didn’t stop hurting so I kept doing it until the pain went away. I was lost in my own mind,” Kurt said sadly. “I hate myself for putting you through that.”

“Don’t hate yourself. All we can do is remember what happened and learn from it,” Blaine said.

“I have learned from it, don’t worry,” Kurt said.

Mercedes appeared in the room and Blaine pushed off from the wall. She smiled knowingly at the two before asking Kurt, “Are you ready to go to the hospital?”

“As ready as I’ll ever be.”

**K/B**

Blaine accompanied Kurt to the hospital but didn’t enter the room. Kurt asked for a moment alone with Karofsky and everyone agreed. Blaine squeezed his hand before letting him go, watching him disappear into the hospital room.

Kurt pushed the door open slowly. He poked his head around the door and asked, “Can I come in?”

Karofsky nodded. He was shocked that Kurt had come, but was glad to see him.

“They just took me off seventy-two hour watch,” Karofsky told him. “I’m going home tomorrow.”

“That’s great,” Kurt said as he stood awkwardly at the foot of the bed. “I’m really happy that you’re alive, David.”

“Me too,” Karofsky said.

Kurt smiled with tears in his eyes. He looked around the room, finding a chair in the corner and pulling it up to the side of the bed.

“I should have answered your phone calls,” Kurt said finally.

“Why would you after the way I’ve treated you?” Karofsky asked.

“It’s okay,” Kurt told him.

“No, it’s not okay,” Karofsky insisted. “Even you said it; I made your life a living hell for months. Now the same thing’s happened to me. I couldn’t even take it for a week. My best friend said he never wanted to talk to me again. My mom said I had a disease and maybe I could be cured. I didn’t know what to do. I can’t go back to that school.”

Kurt wiped away a tear before he spoke, “Then go to another school. I won’t lie. It’s not going to be easy. And there will be days when life just _sucks_. But you’re going to get through this because I’m going to help you and so is everyone else who loves you and accepts you for who you are. And if they can’t accept that then screw ‘em, right?”

Karofsky nodded tearfully.

“This week Mr. Schue had us think of something we’re looking forward to. Do you want to know mine?” When Karofsky nodded again, Kurt rolled up his sleeves. Karofsky gasped in horror, but Kurt spoke before he could say anything. “Over a year ago, I started hurting myself.”

“Because of me?” Karofsky interrupted.

Kurt looked down at his arms, seeing the scars, the fresh wounds and the ones that had been stitched up the previous night. He knew he couldn’t tell Karofsky the truth. He wouldn’t be able to take it in his fragile frame of mind. So he lied, “No. I started because I was in a bad place. Every day is a struggle, but I’m recovering. I’m looking forward to the day when I can say I’ve recovered, that I no longer need to do this to myself. I’m getting better, David. And you will too. It gets better, I promise. So just think of something you’re looking forward to, and work towards that. Remember it when you’re having a hard time.”

“You said last week you wanted to be friends. I’d like that,” Karofsky said with a slight smile.

“I would too,” Kurt said before squeezing Karofsky’s hand. He gave him one last smile before he strode out of the room.

Blaine stood when Kurt appeared, immediately wrapping his arms around him. Kurt rested his head on Blaine’s shoulders and cried. Mercedes rubbed his back comfortingly before she disappeared into the room with Quinn, Joe, and Sam.

“I’m going to call Rachel,” Kurt said suddenly. “See if it’s too late to be in her wedding. Life’s too short and I’m not going to throw our friendship away over this.”

Blaine smiled, kissing his cheek. By the time Kurt was done talking to Rachel, Mercedes, Quinn, Joe and Sam had reappeared. He turned to them with a smile.

“It’s time to go get ready for Rachel’s wedding,” Kurt said.

“Crap, I forgot my dress at home,” Quinn said with a frown. “You guys go on and I’ll meet you there.”

“All right,” Kurt said with a nod. He took Blaine’s hand and headed out of the hospital.

**K/B**

Kurt and Blaine sat with the other bridesmaids while they waited for Quinn. Finn had warned Rachel that they would lose their spot but Rachel insisted she would wait for Quinn. Thirty minutes passed. Suddenly, Santana’s phone rang.

“Hello?” she answered.

“Santana, its Quinn’s mother. She was in a terrible car accident.”


	31. Chapter 30:  Big Brother

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I’ve changed things up a bit while still keeping as close to canon as possible. Because of Kurt’s self-harm I can’t see Blaine pulling away from Kurt as badly as he did in canon. So I have downplayed it some but because of Kurt’s anxiety it will seem worse than it really is. I hope you enjoy this chapter!
> 
> Warnings for this chapter: none
> 
> Spoilers for: 3x15 – Big Brother
> 
> Disclaimer: I do not own Glee. “The Reason” belongs to Hoobastank. "Be Still" belongs to The Fray.

Chapter Thirty:  Big Brother

****Blaine had been unusually quiet on Monday, and when Tuesday rolled around he was acting even more unlike himself. Kurt hadn’t asked him about his behavior on Monday, knowing Blaine would talk to him if he needed to, but when things were worse on Tuesday he knew he couldn’t wait any longer. He waited until second period let out and they were walking to Kurt’s locker to confront him.

"Are you okay?” Kurt asked with concern. “You’ve seemed preoccupied the last two days.”

“My brother’s in town,” Blaine said as they reached Kurt’s locker. “He wants to take me out to lunch today.”

“That’s exciting!” Kurt said cheerfully as he opened his locker. “I finally get to meet this mysterious brother of yours who you refuse to talk about. I’m dying to know what he looks like, with genes like yours he can’t be unattractive.”

“Trust me, you already know what he looks like,” Blaine said.

Before Kurt could ask what he meant a man about Kurt’s height was striding up to them. He embraced Blaine.

“Hey, Coop,” Blaine said with a smile.

“How are you?” the man asked.

“I’m great,” Blaine replied.

“Is this your boyfriend?” he asked, noticing Kurt standing frozen by his locker.

“Yes, this is Kurt. Kurt, this is my brother, Cooper Anderson,” Blaine introduced them.

“Oh my God, you’re the guy from the FreeCreditRatingToday.com commercials!” Kurt exclaimed as Cooper shook his hand.

“Guilty as charged,” Cooper said with a charming smile. It seemed that smile ran in the Anderson family.

“I love those commercials!” Kurt said excitedly.

Suddenly Sue Sylvester had appeared and was pulling Cooper aside. Blaine sighed, turning to face Kurt.

“I can’t believe he’s your brother,” Kurt said.

“Well, he is,” Blaine answered.

“You don’t seem very close,” Kurt observed.

“There’s eight years between us,” Blaine explained. “Our worlds were always so different because of the age difference. The second Cooper turned eighteen he moved to LA; I was only ten at the time. So we never really got to know each other.”

“Well, now you have your chance,” Kurt said, squeezing Blaine’s hand.

Sue finally departed. Cooper returned to his brother, throwing an arm around his shoulders as they walked down the hallway. Kurt followed behind them.

“My commercial is on hiatus so I told my agent I was coming home to focus on character research,” Cooper said as they walked.

“Blaine, your brother is the best looking man in North America,” Kurt said breathlessly.

“I’m going to show Coop around-”

Before Blaine could finish his sentence Sue was pulling Cooper away again. Blaine sighed heavily, watching Cooper walk away.

“That’s why I never talk about my brother,” Blaine said, disheartened. “He always overshadows me.”

“Blaine,” Kurt said with a frown, grasping both of Blaine’s hands in his. “You shine brighter than anyone I know.”

Blaine smiled, hugging Kurt tightly. When they pulled apart Cooper had rejoined them.

“Ready to show me around?” Cooper asked.

“Sure. I’ll see you later, baby,” Blaine said to Kurt.

“Bye, honey. Have fun. It was nice to meet you, Cooper,” Kurt said, shaking Cooper’s hand once more.

“Likewise,” Cooper said with a smile before leaving with Blaine in tow.

**K/B**

The entire glee club watched in silence as Sue wrote ‘Lazy Idiots’ on the whiteboard. When she turned to face them, no one dared to speak.

“Lazy Idiots,” Sue said loudly. “William has informed me that my teaching methods are harsh and too extreme. So I’ve decided to show you what a real artist looks and acts like. Ladies and gays, I present to you Porcelain’s famous brother-”

“Actually, he’s my brother,” Blaine spoke up.

“Cooper Anderson,” Sue continued as if Blaine had not spoken.

Cooper took center stage. Sue joined Will at the side of the room.

“I remember what it was like at your age, wondering if my dreams would come true. Mine did, and yours can too. So tomorrow I will be teaching a master class in acting for anyone who is interested.”

“Cooper, that is very generous of you,” Will said from where he stood.

“The Anderson brothers are clearly very talented,” Rachel said from the back row. “I’m sure there was a holiday where the two of you performed a duet.”

“Actually, it’s funny you should mention that. Blaine and I were famous for our performances,” Cooper said, walking towards his brother.

“No, please don’t make me do this,” Blaine protested.

“Blaine, you have to. You’re both so good looking,” Kurt said.

“How about a little Duran Duran?” Cooper asked. He turned to Will. “Is that okay?”

“Go ahead,” Will said with a nod.

Everyone applauded as Blaine reluctantly joined Cooper at the front of the room. Blaine unbuttoned his cardigan and threw it on the piano. He unbuttoned his sleeves and rolled them up as he walked back to his brother.

Blaine actually enjoyed performing with his brother. He felt closer to him than he ever had before and was glad Kurt had insisted he did this. That is, he did until the song was over and Cooper opened his mouth.

“Standing O,” Cooper said, throwing an arm over Blaine’s shoulders. “I was really great in that number.”

Blaine frowned, hurrying back to his seat so he wouldn’t have to listen to Cooper’s narcissism any longer. Kurt noticed he was upset and held him back after the club was dismissed.

“What’s wrong?” Kurt asked.

“As usual Cooper has to make everything about himself,” Blaine said, shaking his head. “I never feel like I’m good enough when he’s around.”

“Oh, honey, you’re more than good enough. Yes, you’re both ridiculously talented but your brother doesn’t have the same amount of passion as you do,” Kurt said comfortingly.

Blaine gave him a weak smile. He was leaning into kiss him when Cooper entered the room.

“Sorry to interrupt,” Cooper said, not sounding sorry at all. “Are you ready to go to lunch?”

“Sure,” Blaine sighed. He kissed Kurt chastely before following his brother out the door.

**K/B**

“How was lunch?” Kurt asked later that night. He heard Blaine sigh through the phone.

“Cooper says he wants to be closer to me,” Blaine said incredulously.

“But?” Kurt probed.

“But I doubt he’s ever going to change,” Blaine admitted.

“You don’t know until you give him a chance,” Kurt reminded him.

“I know. I’m going to bed. I’ll see you tomorrow,” Blaine said suddenly.

“Okay,” Kurt said, a little hurt that Blaine was cutting their nightly conversation so short. “I love you.”

“I love you too,” Blaine answered.

“Forever?” Kurt asked, but Blaine had already hung up. For the first time, the question went unanswered.

**K/B**

Listening to Cooper as he “taught” about acting only made Blaine angrier than before. Everyone was hanging on his every word, including Kurt.

"Why are you writing this down?” Blaine asked, but Kurt didn’t answer him.

“The key to a dramatic scene is pointing,” Cooper said.

Blaine groaned. “That’s not true at all. That’s terrible advice.”

“I’m sorry, Blaine. Are you a spokesman for a fast-growing website?” Cooper asked, stepping forwards. Blaine only glared at his brother. “I didn’t think so. Let’s focus.” Cooper strode back to the front. “Don’t forget that you should SCREAM ALL YOUR LINES, because you’re a REALLY INTENSE ACTOR!”

Blaine bit his lip, fighting to hold back his temper. He knew he shouldn’t have come to this, but he had told Cooper he would. Still, he wanted to try for a relationship with his brother so when Cooper asked him to read lines with Rachel, he agreed.

“What we don’t know is Sergeant Pembrook wearing a dress,” Rachel said, pointing her finger straight in Blaine’s face.

Blaine took a step away from Rachel, looking down at the script. “There was a rumor that Sergeant Pembrook was a transvestite.”

“No, no, say that line again but this time point your finger,” Cooper interrupted.

“I don’t feel like pointing, Coop. It just seems stupid,” Blaine said.

“When a choice feels wrong it’s a good sign. It means you’re right on the edge there-”

“I don’t know about that,” Blaine cut him off.

Cooper continued to try to argue with him but finally Blaine had had enough.

“You’re my _brother_!” Blaine exclaimed. “Would it kill you to be supportive of me?”

“I’m sorry were you talking to me? I couldn’t tell because you weren’t pointing your finger,” Cooper said, pointing at Blaine.

“I’m done,” Blaine said, striding out of the room.

Kurt paused for a second before snatching up both of their messenger bags and hurrying after him. He saw Blaine disappear into an empty classroom and followed him.

"You forgot your bag,” Kurt said, handing it to Blaine who dropped it on the floor. Kurt waited for Blaine to speak but soon it became clear he wasn’t going to. Kurt asked tentatively, “Are you okay?”

“Why are you so taken by him?” Blaine demanded.

“Cooper is your brother,” Kurt answered slowly. “I just want to make a good impression.”

Kurt sighed, stepping closer to Blaine. He took Blaine’s hands in his and brought them up to his lips. He continued to grasp them as he spoke, “You know that you are _everything_ to me. I know you feel overshadowed by your brother but believe me, that’s not true with me. I don’t know what I would do without you, Blaine. You’ve done so much for me in such a short amount of time. I’ve caused you pain and you still stick by me, even though you don’t have to. _You_ gave me the courage to admit I had a problem and to start recovery. And I am forever grateful to you.”

Blaine closed his eyes. Kurt brought up a hand to cradle his face as he began to sing.

_I’m not a perfect person._

_There’s many things I wish I didn’t do._

_But I continue learning._

_I never meant to do those things to you._

_And so I have to say before I go,_

_That I just want you to know._

Kurt wished he had never started hurting himself. He wished he could say he would never do it again and be through with it. But things were never that easy. Kurt wished he could tell Blaine he would never cut again, knowing that his self-injury caused Blaine pain. He had never wanted to hurt Blaine and he never wanted to hurt him again.

_I’ve found a reason for me,_

_To change who I used to be._

_A reason to start over new,_

_And the reason is you._

When Kurt first started hurting himself, he thought he had found the perfect solution to his pain. But Blaine helped him to see it for what it really was:  a maladaptive coping mechanism. Blaine had given him the courage to admit that he needed help. Without Blaine, Kurt never would have started the long road to recovery.

_I’m sorry that I hurt you._

_It’s something I must live with every day._

_And all the pain I put you through,_

_I wish that I could take it all away._

_And be the one who catches all your tears,_

_That’s why I need you to hear._

Each time Kurt hurt himself, he dreaded having to tell Blaine. Not only did he feel guilty for his actions, but he knew his actions hurt Blaine. More than anything, Kurt wanted to protect Blaine from any harm. He wanted to take all of his pain away. But to know that he was the one causing him pain, that killed Kurt.

_I’ve found a reason for me,_

_To change who I used to be._

_A reason to start over new,_

_And the reason is you._

_And the reason is you._

_And the reason is you._

_And the reason is you._

_I’m not a perfect person._

_I never meant to do those things to you._

_And so I have to say before I go,_

_That I just want you to know._

Kurt owed everything to Blaine. He didn’t know if he would have even told someone about his cutting if Blaine hadn’t discovered it on his own. Kurt hated to think how far he would have succumbed to his addiction if not for Blaine. Kurt knew about accidental suicide among self-mutilators, and he knew how close he came to being one of those statistics. He had been lucky, very lucky. He had heard horror stories of people who cut through major arteries, or went into cardiac arrest due to blood loss. Lucky did not begin to describe how Kurt felt.

_I’ve found a reason for me,_

_To change who I used to be._

_A reason to start over new,_

_And the reason is you._

_I’ve found a reason to show,_

_A side of me you didn’t know._

_A reason for all that I do,_

_And the reason is you._

Blaine smiled when Kurt was finished singing. He squeezed Kurt’s hand before speaking, “You give me too much credit.”

“You don’t give yourself enough,” Kurt disagreed. “You’re the reason I’m still alive.”

Blaine pulled Kurt into a tight hug. They held each other close until Kurt finally pulled back to whisper, “Kiss me.”

Blaine complied, closing the distance between their lips. He began to pull away but Kurt wrapped his arms around Blaine’s neck, pulling him closer. He traced Blaine’s lips with his tongue. Blaine moved his hands to Kurt’s shoulder, gently pushing him away.

“I should go apologize to Mr. Schue,” Blaine said as he took a step away from Kurt.

“Oh, okay,” Kurt said, trying to hide the sting of Blaine’s rejection.

“Do you think I can stay the night at your house? I can’t deal with Cooper tonight,” Blaine asked as he shouldered his messenger bag.

“It shouldn’t be a problem. I’ll have to call Dad and ask,” Kurt said. He was confused. First Blaine had rejected him and now he was asking for a sleepover?

“Thanks. I’ll meet you in the parking lot. I love you.” Blaine brushed his lips against Kurt’s cheek.

“I love you too,” Kurt answered.

Blaine walked out the door. His unspoken question of “Forever?” rang through the air, piercing Kurt’s heart.

**K/B**

The night passed by slowly. Blaine still wasn’t acting like himself. Kurt was glad when Blaine finally said he was ready for bed. They bid goodnight to Carole and Burt, heading up the stairs to Kurt’s room. Miraculously, Burt had forgotten to tell them to keep Kurt’s room door open. But it seemed Blaine had no intention of taking advantage of Burt’s forgetfulness.

Blaine changed into his pajamas quickly before slipping under the covers. Kurt didn’t speak as he pulled on his own pajamas and sat at his vanity for his moisturizing routine. When he was finally done, Blaine was already asleep. Kurt smiled at the peaceful expression on his lover’s face. He spooned up behind Blaine, wrapping one arm tightly around Blaine’s waist, pulling him back against him. Blaine sighed happily in his sleep.

While sleep had come to Blaine easily, it evaded Kurt for hours. And when he finally fell into a deep slumber, he was haunted by nightmares. Just after three o’clock in the morning, Blaine awoke to feel Kurt thrashing in his sleep behind him. Blaine spun around, ignoring the bedcovers as they tangled around his legs. Blaine cupped Kurt’s cheek with one hand.

“Kurt, wake up. It’s only a dream,” Blaine said as he pressed his lips to Kurt’s forehead.

Kurt drew in a sharp breath as he awoke, tears streaming down his face. Blaine collected him into his arms, holding him close to his chest. Kurt grasped Blaine’s shirt tightly in his hands. Blaine rocked him slowly, trying to calm Kurt’s erratic breathing.

“Shh, you’re okay,” Blaine said soothingly. He pressed a kiss to the top of Kurt’s head before he began to sing.

_Be still and know that I’m with you._

_Be still and know that I am here._

_Be still and know that I’m with you._

_Be still, be still, and know._

Blaine was glad he had asked to stay the night with Kurt. Miraculously, six months had passed since Kurt’s last nightmare. Blaine didn’t know if Kurt would be able to stop himself from cutting if he hadn’t been there, as that was how he always reacted from a nightmare. Blaine always hated when Kurt had a nightmare and he wasn’t able to hold him and offer him comfort. This time Kurt didn’t have to make due with hearing Blaine’s voice over the phone.

_When darkness comes upon you,_

_And covers you with fear and shame._

_Be still and know that I’m with you,_

_And I will say your name._

Seven weeks had passed since David Karofsky’s suicide attempt. After Kurt’s relapse, things seemed to get better. Kurt hadn’t hurt himself since, though it hadn’t been easy. Many nights he cried to Blaine over the phone, but he always resisted the urges, no matter how strong they were. Dr. Madsen had even said if Kurt kept up his progress their sessions could go from biweekly to monthly. Blaine was glad that the cloud of darkness had finally dispersed from over his boyfriend. His anxiety had lessened and Kurt seemed happier. All Blaine wanted was for Kurt to be happy and healthy.

_If terror falls upon your bed,_

_And sleep no longer comes._

_Remember all the words I said._

_Be still, be still, and know._

Blaine hoped the nightmares wouldn’t return and the one that had plagued Kurt tonight was a one time thing. Whenever Kurt was having nightmares they affected many aspects of his life. While he kept up his schoolwork, Kurt had little energy for other activities outside of glee club. The nightmares, coupled with insomnia, drained Kurt’s energy and he was often exhausted. He wouldn’t hardly see any of his friends, other than Blaine of course. Blaine knew that wasn’t the way Kurt had invisioned his senior year.

_And when you go through the valley,_

_And the shadow comes down from the hill._

_If morning never comes to be,_

_Be still, be still, be still._

Even in times of happiness, Kurt was waiting for the shadow to darken his doorstep once more. He knew the light couldn’t last forever, and when it had died the darkness would close in around him once more. But Blaine was always there, the one source of hope in his depression.

_If you forget the way to go,_

_And lose where you came from._

_If no one is standing beside you,_

_Be still and know I am._

Blaine knew Kurt had often felt alone and lost over the past few years, and he was determined those feelings would plague Kurt no longer. Blaine was constantly trying to remind Kurt that he had so many people who loved him. Even though he had felt alone, he had never been alone. And while he may have been lost, Blaine had found him and shown him the way back to the light.

_Be still and know that I’m with you._

_Be still and know I am._

Kurt’s breathing had evened out and Blaine knew he was asleep. He moved Kurt from his lap and laid him down gently, smiling when Kurt curled into his side, his head resting on Blaine’s shoulder and one hand over Blaine’s heart. Blaine linked his fingers through Kurt’s before falling asleep.

**K/B**

The next day, Blaine found Cooper in the hallway after school. He was talking to a student. As the student walked away Cooper called out, “Tweet me!” Seeing his brother, Cooper turned towards him with a smile.

“Ask me why I’m so happy, squirt,” Cooper said, clasping his hands together.

“Don’t call me that,” Blaine said in annoyance.

“My life is about to change completely. I got an audition for a Michael Bay movie,” Cooper said excitedly.

“That’s great,” Blaine said apathetically.

“Hello, did you hear me? Michael freaking Bay! The movie’s untitled which you know is code from _Transformers Four_.” Cooper paused. “You don’t seem very happy for me.”

“I’m thrilled,” Blaine said sarcastically.

“You have a weird way of showing it,” Cooper said with a frown. “It wouldn’t kill you to smile, or to let Kurt stop picking out your clothes.”

“He does not,” Blaine protested.

“Could’ve fooled me,” Cooper said. “Why don’t we have our own ditch day? You can help me run lines!”

“It’s all about you, isn’t it? Well you know what, big brother? I’m sick of it and I’m not going to take it anymore,” Blaine said angrily.

He stalked off towards the weight room where he stripped off his vest and shirt. He took out all of his frustration and anger on the punching bag, only stopping when his muscles began to protest. Blaine grabbed a towel and disappeared into one of the shower stalls, washing off all of the sweat and bad emotions of the day. Once he was dressed again, he applied gel to his hair and headed towards the auditorium. Though boxing had helped, he was still unbearably angry at his brother. Pacing the stage, he began to sing “Fighter.” He had been so focused that he didn’t notice Kurt standing to the side until he had finished singing.

“Feeling better?” Kurt asked knowingly.

“Much,” Blaine replied.

“I know your brother’s getting to you but just think about tomorrow. We’ll be at Six Flags and he’ll still be here,” Kurt tried to cheer him up.

“About that,” Blaine started. “I’m not going.”

“What? Why not?” Kurt asked, disappointed. He had been looking forward to spending time with Blaine away from Lima.

“I’d just bring everyone else down,” Blaine said, swinging his messenger bag onto his shoulder. “You go on without me and have fun.”

“It won’t be as fun without you there,” Kurt said sadly.

“You’ll be with Rachel and Mercedes. Nothing is ever boring with those two around,” Blaine said, taking Kurt’s hand in his as they headed towards the parking lot.

“I suppose you’re right,” Kurt said with a sigh. “I just wish you were going.”

“You’ll still see me on Friday,” Blaine reminded him.

“I know,” Kurt said as he climbed behind the steering wheel of his Navigator. He was disappointed that Blaine wasn’t going to Six Flags, but he was also determined to enjoy his senior ditch day. After all, it was the only one he’d ever have.

**K/B**

Admittedly, Kurt did have fun at Six Flags. Mercedes and Rachel kept him entertained and they rode every ride they could fit into one day. Kurt still wished Blaine had come with them, but his best friends offered very little time for him to dwell on Blaine’s absence.

Kurt didn’t see Blaine much Friday, but he managed to catch him by his locker after school. Kurt snuck up behind Blaine’s open locker door, poking the head of the stuffed dog he had for Blaine around the side of the door.

“Hello,” Kurt said in a British accent, keeping his head out of sight. “I’m Margaret Thatcher Dog. My relationship with the queen was _ruff_.”

Kurt moved from out behind the locker with a smile. Kurt chuckled. Blaine couldn’t fight back his grin.

“Look what Finn won you playing Skee Ball,” Kurt said cheerfully.

“Finn won this?” Blaine asked in disbelief.

“Well, technically he won it for Rachel. She kept making him win things for her. At the end of the day she had fourteen and I confiscated this one for you, since there was no convincing you to come with us,” Kurt said.

“I told you I just would’ve brought you guys down,” Blaine said, closing his locker and turning to walk down the hall.

“Look,” Kurt said, following him. “I understand. Family stuff is hard, especially between siblings. I mean, Finn and I aren’t even real brothers and we still disagree on just about everything. But I love the big lug, and at the end of the day we support each other. You only have one brother, Blaine. Don’t give up on him.”

“He’s the one who’s leaving,” Blaine said angrily.

“Actually, he hasn’t left yet,” Kurt corrected him, having spoken to Cooper earlier that day. “He’s waiting in the auditorium hoping you’ll talk to him.”

“I’ve tried to talk to him,” Blaine said in exasperation. “It doesn’t work with him. He never listens.”

“Maybe talking isn’t the answer,” Kurt said. “Maybe you need to show him how you really feel in the best, most honest way you know how.”

Blaine instantly knew what Kurt meant. He sighed, squeezing Kurt’s hand before he started down the hall towards the auditorium. He pushed open the door to backstage. Cooper was in one of the audience chairs, waiting for him. Blaine looked at him as he began to sing “Somebody That I Used to Know.”

“That’s the best you’ve ever sounded,” Cooper complimented as the song came to an end. “I know I’m tough on you, this week more than I should have been. I am sorry for that. But it’s only because I know, I’ve always known, how insanely talented you are. I want you to be as successful as possible, Blaine, and you will be. You’re going to do it all. Your dreams are going to come true, whatever they may be. Movies, concerts, Broadway.”

“Even though it’s dead?” Blaine asked.

“When I’m in the audience watching you,” Cooper continued, slinging an arm over Blaine’s shoulders, “I want to be able to say ‘That’s my little brother. I helped him get there.’”

“Thanks, Coop. And I knew you really meant it because you weren’t pointing your finger at me or SPEAKING REALLY LOUDLY TO BE INTENSE,” Blaine teased his brother.

“All right, all right,” Cooper laughed. “Look, even though we don’t live in the same town, I don’t want us to just be brothers. I want us to be friends too.”

“That’s all I’ve ever wanted us to be, Coop,” Blaine said honestly.

Cooper pulled him into a hug. When he pulled back he spoke, “I meant it when I said your dreams are going to come true. I’ll support you all the way, no matter what. I want to know your hopes and dreams for the future and I want to help you make them come true.”

Blaine smiled. “I want to go to NYU. I want to perform on Broadway. But most of all I want to spend the rest of my life with Kurt. I’m going to marry him one day.”

“And all of those things will happen, Blaine,” Cooper assured him.

Blaine knew the future was still unsure, but he now knew his brother would always be there to support him. And that was all Blaine had ever wanted from his brother.


	32. Chapter 31:  Saturday Night GLEEver

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Thank you to everyone who reviewed, favorited, and alerted this story! I’m still hammering out ideas for the sequel so please let me know if there’s anything you’d like to see.
> 
> Warnings for this chapter: none
> 
> Spoilers for: 3x16 – Saturday Night GLEEver
> 
> Disclaimer: I do not own Glee. “Loneliness” belongs to Annie Lennox. “By Your Side” belongs to Lifehouse.

Chapter Thirty-One – Saturday Night GLEEver

Kurt Elizabeth Hummel was not oblivious. He prided himself on noticing the smallest details, especially when it came to fashion or the actions of other people. So while no one else seemed to notice anything was wrong with one Blaine Anderson, Kurt did. He hadn’t been acting like himself for over a week now. Kurt could feel Blaine pulling away from him, and there was nothing he could do. Kurt wanted to hold onto him tightly and beg him to never leave, but he couldn’t. Because whenever he asked Blaine what was wrong, he denied everything. But Kurt knew otherwise.

While normally Blaine could hardly keep his hands to himself, he hadn’t so much as kissed Kurt in the past week unless Kurt initiated it. Normally they spent time together after school, going back and forth between each other’s houses, but not that week. Blaine claimed his parents, who were home for the week, wanted to spend time with him. Kurt hadn’t asked any more questions, but he missed Blaine’s company. He was so used to his presence that his absence was all too noticeable. It wasn’t that he missed the sex; he missed the simple things like their cuddling sessions. He missed hearing Blaine say how beautiful he was, how strong he was. Lately, Blaine hadn’t made him feel special.

No one else noticed Blaine distancing himself. He acted like his normal dapper self at school and during glee club. Indeed, today Blaine had jumped onto the stage in the auditorium with Mike and Brittany and performed “You Should Be Dancing.” Kurt had watched with a painted on smile, his eyes stinging with tears. Even though he was surrounded by his closest friends, he felt completely alone.

As Blaine jumped down from the stage and took his seat next to Kurt, Kurt blinked back his tears. He offered Blaine a quick smile before turning his attention to Will. After glee club, Kurt followed Blaine to his locker.

“So what did you think of the number?” Blaine asked curiously as he put his math textbook in his locker.

“I hate to say it but I have to agree with the rest of the club about disco. I don’t think it’s the right direction for nationals. _But_ I _did_ enjoy watching you do that toe-touch,” Kurt teased.

Blaine laughed. “Well I’m glad you got _some_ pleasure out of watching me perform.”

“I love watching you perform,” Kurt said, his face softening.

Blaine smiled but didn’t say anything else. He closed his locker and started off down the hall towards the parking lot. He stopped once he reached his car, which was parked next to Kurt’s Navigator. Lately Blaine had insisted on driving himself to school.

“I should get home,” Blaine said awkwardly. “Mom wants to have family game night.”

“Okay,” Kurt said, trying to hide his disappointment.

“I’ll text you later,” Blaine said before climbing in his car and driving away.

Kurt sighed unhappily. He just wished Blaine would tell him what was going on.

**K/B**

Mercedes caught Kurt at his locker the next morning, bursting at the seams with excitement. Kurt leaned against his locker, smiling at his friend’s happiness.

“What’s going on?” Kurt asked.

“I got into Cleveland State!” Mercedes exclaimed.

“That’s great!” Kurt said, hugging her quickly. When she pulled back, Kurt asked, “Have you thought about NYU?”

Before Mercedes could answer, they were interrupted by an unfamiliar voice.

“Kurt Hummel? Mercedes Jones?”

Mercedes turned to see a heavyset African American boy approaching them tentatively. While he was clearly a high school student, neither had ever seen him before. Kurt exchanged a confused look with Mercedes before turning his attention to the boy.

“I’m sorry to interrupt you, but I’m your _biggest_ fan! I’ve been to all of your performances except _West Side Story_ , which I boycotted because you weren’t Tony and Maria,” the boy said.

Kurt brightened visibly. He stepped closer to the boy, offering his hand. He smiled as he said, “Why _hello_ , kind sir! I don’t believe I caught your name.”

Mercedes stifled a laugh. Kurt turned to glare at her quickly before spinning back around.

“I’m Wade Adams,” the boy said. “I go to Carmel High and I’m in Vocal Adrenaline. I know I’m not supposed to even be talking to you but I swear I didn’t come here to spy. I came to ask for your advice.”

Kurt turned to Mercedes with a puzzled look. He was surprised to hear why Wade had come to McKinley, but Kurt knew he couldn’t turn him down. And not just because he had come all this way to see them.

“Why don’t we go somewhere more private to talk?” Kurt asked. He led Wade down the hall and into an empty classroom.

Once they were seated, Wade sighed. Kurt didn’t speak. He knew Wade would talk at his own pace.

“Our coach is Jesse St. James,” Wade said after he had gathered his courage.

“He’s awful,” Mercedes said knowingly. Kurt nodded in agreement.

“He is,” Wade agreed, “but not as horrible as the kids at school, or even my parents. But I have a way to get through it. When I was little, I pretended to be a different person, the person that I dreamt of being. I even have a different name:  Unique. I was so nervous I almost didn’t speak to you guys today, but I thought what would Unique do.”

“Unique sounds like a great person,” Kurt said. “I hope one day you’ll get up the courage to be him.”

“That’s the thing. Unique is a _girl_. That’s why I came here. Our regionals is this Saturday and I want to perform in a dress and heels. That’s who I feel like I am inside,” Wade said.

“ _Unique_ ,” Kurt offered.

“Yes.” Wade nodded. “What would you do?”

Kurt looked at Mercedes. She sighed, nodding at Kurt to speak first. Kurt drew in a deep breath.

“Wade, I think it’s _great_ that you have this other part of yourself. And it’s _very_ courageous of you to want to share her with others.” Kurt paused. “But this is Ohio. People are not very accepting here, take it from me. I can’t even hold my boyfriend’s hand in public without some snide remark.”

“If this weren’t Ohio, we would support you one hundred percent,” Mercedes cut in. “But we don’t want you to get hurt, Wade. And because we are in such a close-minded place, I would suggest you performing as Wade, not Unique.”

Wade nodded, offering them a sad smile. “That’s what I was afraid of. Thank you for your time.”

Before Kurt or Mercedes could say anything else, Wade was gone. Kurt sighed unhappily before he too exited the room.

**K/B**

The next day, Kurt passed Rachel in the hall after school on his way to Sue’s office. Rachel was watching Finn, who was standing at his locker. Kurt slowly walked up to her.

“You should talk to him,” he told her. “Help him.”

“He called me spoiled and self-centered, Kurt,” Rachel reminded him. She still hadn’t spoken to Finn since he had argued their moving to New York was only for Rachel’s benefit. “He can come to me first.”

"That’s a great way to start a marriage,” Kurt said sarcastically.  He reached out and squeezed her hand before speaking again, “If you don’t communicate, you won’t be able to fix things.”

With that, Kurt left her to her thoughts. When he reached Sue’s office, he was surprised to see Mercedes waiting outside.

“Aren’t you going in?” Kurt asked softly.

“I was waiting on you,” Mercedes told him.

Kurt laughed. “Come on.”

“Porcelain, Wheezy,” Sue greeted them as they entered the room. “Have a seat, _traitors_.”

Kurt looked to Mercedes in confusion. When Sue had called them to her office, neither had known what to expect. But they certainly hadn’t expected that.

“What’re you talking about?” Kurt asked.

“As you well know, I have a large portion of this school bugged and wiretapped. I’m pushing the limits of physics by allying myself with Will Schuester and you repay my help by giving tips to the enemy?” Sue asked.

“That’s not what happened at all,” Mercedes said with a shake of her head.

“Wade asked us for advice because he wants to wear a dress to perform at his regionals as his alter ego, Unique. Mercedes and I didn’t think it was a good idea,” Kurt explained.

“It’s not a good idea, it’s a _great_ idea,” Sue countered.

“Coach Sylvester, this is _Ohio_. Not many people are going to be down with that,” Mercedes said, furrowing her eyebrows.

“ _Exactly_ ,” Sue said, pointing her finger at Mercedes. “Vocal Adrenaline will lose their regionals and the New Directions will coast to a win at nationals. I happen to have a pair of thirteen wides,” Sue said, pulling out a pair of silver platform heels. “Deliver these to Unique and get him to cram his hamhocks into them at regionals and we will be well on our way to a national championship. Now get out of my office.”

“What are we going to do?” Kurt asked as Mercedes followed him down the hall.

“The only thing we can do, send the shoes to Wade,” Mercedes said, swinging the heels as she walked.

“But he’ll be a laughing stock,” Kurt protested.

“Kurt, we don’t have another choice. If Vocal Adrenaline makes it to nationals, we’re screwed. I’m sending the shoes to Wade. I’ll see you later,” Mercedes said before walking away.

Kurt groaned, pinching the bridge of his nose. He walked out to his car, hoping Blaine hadn’t left yet. But when he reached the parking lot, Blaine’s car was gone. Kurt bit his lip, pushing back his tears as he climbed behind the wheel. He refused to let himself think about Blaine as he drove home. Once there, he hurried into his bedroom.

Kurt felt awful for not trying harder to stop Mercedes. Wade was already being bullied at his school. Revealing Unique would not help that situation whatsoever. And Kurt hadn’t done anything to help. He wanted to hurt himself. He contemplated calling Blaine, but with the way things had been lately he quickly pushed away the thought. Kurt felt almost as lonely as he did before he transferred to Dalton. He plugged his iPod into the iHome and selected the song he wanted.

_Loneliness_

_Is a place that I know well._

_It's the distance between us,_

_And the space inside ourselves._

_And emptiness . . ._

_Is the chattering in your head._

_It's the call of the living,_

_And the race from life to death._

_Whoa and I know,_

_Yeah and I know,_

_What you feel . . ._

Loneliness was an emotion that Kurt was well acquainted with. The bullies always succeeded in making him feel isolated, distanced from the rest of his peers. Kurt hated being alone. To Kurt, loneliness was the worst emotion anyone could ever experience. The solitude ate away at your heart until you felt it would never truly be whole again.

Kurt felt like he had lost himself. It was almost like when Blaine had distanced himself, he had taken a part of Kurt with him. His life was so confusing now. Why didn’t he stand his ground when Mercedes said she was sending Wade the high heels? Ordinarily, Kurt wouldn’t have hesitated to do so. But without Blaine’s closeness, Kurt just wasn’t himself. His life wasn’t the same. He missed Blaine so much it hurt. Without Blaine, his world was black and white. Blaine had always been his light, the brightest colors in his world. Now Kurt had lost himself and didn’t know where he was.

_Whoa and I've got a longin'_

_That's hard to find,_

_Won't give me no peace of mind,_

_Something that I've lived with all along._

_Days and weeks and months and years,_

_Filling in the time my dear._

_Tryin' to find the place where I belong._

Kurt had always known that he was different from other kids his age. Most little boys were interested in Little League and Tonka trucks, but not Kurt. He would rather play dress-up with his mother and spend hours on end watching musicals. His entire life, Kurt had been looking for a place where he could be accepted for all he was. Two years ago, Kurt had found that place. But now it was all ending.

_Hopelessness_

_Is the darkness in your heart._

_It's the sound of one hand clapping,_

_While it's pulling you apart._

_Whoa and I know,_

_Yeah and I know,_

_What you feel . . ._

Everything felt hopeless. Blaine was pulling away from him. All of his friends were focusing on their futures. No one had time for activities outside of school anymore. And this was just the beginning. After graduation, they would all go their own way. Kurt only hoped that Blaine would be going the same way as him.

_I know what you feel, baby now._

_And_

_I've got a longin'_

_That's hard to find._

_Won't give me no peace of mind,_

_Something that I've lived with all along._

_Days and weeks and months and years,_

_Filling in the time my dear._

_Tryin' to find the place where I belong._

Two months ago, things had seemed perfect. Blaine had returned from Columbus and was finally back in Kurt’s arms. For once, Kurt didn’t have the cloud of depression hanging over him. But now things had changed. The darkness had descended once more, blocking out the sun. And Kurt didn’t know how to get it back.

Kurt didn’t let anyone see his pain. He kept it to himself. He knew no one could save him from himself. No one was there to watch him fall, or to lift him back to his feet again. So Kurt would have to do it on his own, if he could. . . .

_And_

_I got a hunger that's_

_Hard to fill._

_Driving me on overkill,_

_Tellin' me that everything's gone wrong._

_Got me a need_

_That I can't break,_

_More than I can hardly take._

_Somehow I still keep on going strong._

Kurt fought back his tears as his thoughts turned to Blaine. Blaine should be there to catch Kurt before he hit the ground, but he wasn’t. Blaine should be the light to guide Kurt back to himself, but he wasn’t. All Kurt wanted was to feel Blaine’s arms wrapped around him, to hear Blaine tell him everything would be all right. But Blaine was pulling away from him. Once again, Kurt found himself believing he wasn’t perfect enough.

Kurt felt a tear roll down his cheek as he sang. He missed Blaine. He was lost without him. But Kurt wouldn’t let himself relapse. He wouldn’t let himself cave to his urges. That would solve nothing. Instead, Kurt would stay strong and prove everyone wrong.

_When I call your name,_

_I'm gonna scream out loud._

_I'll say,_

_"Here I am standing in the crowd."_

_You'll say, "Come to me_

_With your open mind._

_You never know_

_What you still might find."_

_But you keep me here_

_Like a cancelled flight,_

_An empty train,_

_Running through the night._

_An orphan child,_

_A broken shoe._

_And I'm still down here,_

_Lookin' out for you._

_Are you there for me?_

_'Cause I'm here for you._

_Are you there for me?_

_Here for you? There for me?_

_Here for you? There for me?_

_Here for you? Here for you?_

_Here for you?_

Kurt wiped away his tears as the song ended. He turned off his iPod. Kurt changed into his pajamas and climbed into the bed, ignoring the fact that it was only five o’clock in the afternoon. Kurt hugged his pillow to his chest, wishing Blaine was there to hold him. Pushing the thought from his mind, Kurt fell into an uneasy sleep.

**K/B**

“I feel _horrible_ ,” Kurt said as he pushed open the door to the backstage area at Carmel High. “You _never_ should have sent Wade those high heels.”

“We still have time to stop him,” Mercedes assured him. “You don’t think he’d _actually_ perform like that, do you?”

Kurt bit his lip. When Mercedes had caught him after school, telling him she felt awful about Wade, Kurt had persuaded her to accompany him to Carmel High. Kurt was determined to stop Wade before it was too late.

“I don’t know, Mercedes. Finn dressed up like Lady Gaga and I _never_ thought that would happen,” he reminded her.

Mercedes laughed.

“Oh thank god,” Kurt said as he caught sight of Wade preparing for the performance. They approached him slowly. “Hey, Wade! We just came by to tell you to break a leg!”

“And to make sure you’re still dressed as a guy,” Mercedes added bluntly.

“Not for long,” Wade announced.

“Look, Wade. I know we sent you those shoes for good luck, but you can’t go through with this. I admit I’ve worn some flamboyant designer outfits but I’ve never dressed up as a _woman_ ,” Kurt said persuasively.

“That’s because you don’t _identify_ yourself as a woman,” Wade said solemnly. “I thought _you_ of all people would understand. I’m performing as Unique.”

**K/B**

“And then they got a standing ovation!” Kurt finished telling Blaine about Unique’s performance.

“That’s great, Kurt,” Blaine said apathetically.

Kurt bit his lip. He was tired of Blaine acting this way. He missed him. Deciding to take a chance, Kurt asked, “Do you want to come over?”

“I can’t. I have too much homework,” Blaine answered.

Kurt felt the sting of rejection. “Oh, okay. I guess I’ll talk to you later then. I love you.”

“You too,” Blaine replied before ending the call.

Kurt buried his face in his pillow, allowing his tears to fall freely. He just knew he was losing Blaine. And he didn’t know what to do about it. Kurt rolled onto his back, drawing in a shuddering breath before he began to sing.

_All I want now is to be with you._

_‘Cause you know I've been everywhere else._

_Looking back at what you got me through,_

_You knew me better than I knew myself._

Kurt just wanted things to go back to the way they were. When Blaine told him every day how special he was, how much he loved him. All Kurt wanted was Blaine. Blaine had helped him through so much in the past, and Kurt still needed him so badly. He would always need him.

_When I feel lost and I can't find my way._

_When words are at a loss, I can hear you say._

_“I'll be by your side, when all hope has died._

_I will still be around oh and I, I'm still on your side._

_When everything's wrong, I will still be around._

_By your side.”_

Blaine had promised he would never leave him. He had promised to always love Kurt, no matter what. Blaine had promised he would help Kurt through his recovery until the end. Every time Kurt had lost hope, Blaine was there to renew it. But now, Kurt’s hope had died again, and Blaine was nowhere to be found. Kurt was lost without his light.

_Fighting my way back to where you are,_

_The only place I ever felt at home._

_Stumbling backwards through the dark,_

_I know how it feels to be alone._

_And where we go is where I wanna be,_

_And in the silence I hear you say to me._

Kurt was tired of feeling alone. He knew he could talk to his friends, but he also knew they would only urge him to speak with Blaine. Kurt had already tried that, and it hadn’t made any difference. Kurt was still trying to find his way through the darkness on his own.

_“I'll be by your side, when all hope has died._

_I will still be around, oh and I, I'm still on your side._

_When everything's wrong, I will still be around.”_

_I can't wait another day to show my space between,_

_Your heart and mine, and you're all that I need._

_You say “I,_

Blaine had broken his promises. Kurt didn’t know why he was acting this way, but it cut into him deeper than any razor ever could. Sure, Blaine still sat with him at school. They still talked, but only about meaningless things.

_I'll be by your side, when all hope has died._

_I will still be around, oh and I, I'm still on your side._

_When everything's wrong, I will still be around._

_By your side._

_By your side._

_By your side._

_By your side._

_By your side.”_

Kurt dried his tears, pushing himself off of his bed. Things had to get better. They just had to.

**K/B**

Kurt was pleasantly surprised when Blaine asked him to perform “More Than a Woman” with the other glee couples after school. He readily agreed. Blaine even held his hand as he led them to the choir room. Finn and Rachel (having made up days ago), Mike and Tina, and Santana and Brittany were waiting on them.

Finn started them off. Kurt danced with Blaine, reveling in his close proximity after spending a week so far apart. Blaine was smiling at him in a way that melted Kurt’s heart. They danced together, taking turns leading. When it came for Kurt’s turn to lead, he dipped Blaine, causing him to laugh. When the song ended, all of the couples were laughing. Kurt looked deep into Blaine’s hazel eyes and couldn’t help himself.

“Kiss me.”

As Blaine’s lips met his, Kurt felt that maybe, just maybe, things would be all right in the end.


	33. Chapter 32:  Dance With Somebody

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Thank you to everyone who reviewed, favorited, or alerted this story! Because of my classes this semester, this story is now going to be updated every Sunday. Also, I have a chapter written for next week, but not the week after. Depending on how this week goes, I may not be able to post for a few weeks until I get more chapters written. I will let you know what happens and I’m hoping for the best but this is my first semester at a new college so I have no idea how things are going to go. Regardless, I hope you continue to enjoy this story and will read it through to the end (which is coming soon).
> 
> Warnings for this chapter: self-harm, sexual situations
> 
> Spoilers for: 3x17 – Dance With Somebody
> 
> Disclaimer: I do not own Glee. “Invisible” belongs to Skylar Grey. “Missing” belongs to Evanescence. “I Have Nothing” belongs to Whitney Houston. “Never Gonna Be Alone” belongs to Nickelback.

Chapter Thirty-Two:  Dance With Somebody

Blaine was still acting distant. It was eating away at Kurt’s heart, but he had no idea what to do. So he resolved himself to act as normal as possible. After school, Kurt found Blaine at his locker.

“I’m _so_ excited for this week’s assignment!” Kurt said, clasping his hands together as he leaned against the lockers. “I’m going to Between the Sheets to find sheet music. I thought I could kill three birds with one stone. I could use one song for glee, one for my NYADA audition, and one for my OSU audition. Do you want to come with me?”

“I can’t _today_ ,” Blaine said, closing his locker.

“Okay,” Kurt said, not even trying to hide his disappointment.

"Just text me when you’re done,” Blaine said before he strode off down the hall without so much as a goodbye.

Kurt knew Blaine’s distance was his fault. It had only been a matter of time until Blaine realized just how screwed up Kurt really was and decided he wasn’t worth the trouble. Kurt bit his lip, turning down the hall towards the nearest bathroom.

Once inside a locked stall, Kurt fell to his knees. As his tears fell, he rummaged around in his messenger bag until he found his razor. He had gone two months without hurting himself, but he just couldn’t do it any longer. Not without Blaine.

Kurt pressed the blade into the sensitive skin of his wrist, sighing in relief. He repeated the action, watching as the blood flowed out of his veins. Kurt leaned his head back against the wall, resolving himself then and there to keep this a secret. Kurt pushed the blade in one more time before wiping it clean and letting it fall back into his messenger bag.

Kurt wiped his arm clean of blood, not bothering to bandage his wounds. He needed to feel the sting of pain as they rubbed against his sleeve. Kurt hurried to his car and drove straight to Between the Sheets. He had just picked up a music book and was flipping through it when he was interrupted.

“Excuse me.”

Kurt looked up to see a blonde boy with brown glasses approaching him. Kurt wasn’t in the mood to deal with anyone, but didn’t want to seem rude so he gave the boy his attention.

“I’m sorry to bother you but that hippopotamus head brooch is _awesome!”_

"Thanks,” Kurt said in surprise.

“Your whole outfit is amazing. You must get compliments _all_ the time,” the boy said amicably.

“I don’t actually.” As Kurt said this he pushed his wrist against the edge of the music book, reveling in the pain of fresh wounds. Pulling himself together, Kurt extended his right hand. “I’m Kurt.”

“Chandler,” the boy said, shaking Kurt’s hand. “I go to West Lima High. I’m here to find music for an audition next week.”

“What are you auditioning for?” Kurt asked.

“The musical theater program at NYU,” Chandler answered.

“That’s so funny. I’m auditioning for NYADA. My callback is in a couple of weeks,” Kurt said excitedly.

“Wow, a NYADA callback? What song are you performing?” Chandler asked.

“I’m not sure yet,” Kurt replied. “I need the perfect Whitney Houston song.”

Suddenly, Chandler was standing by his side, throwing out suggestions for Kurt to choose from. Kurt laughed. He was used to Blaine’s enthusiasm and he missed it more than he knew.

“I’m sorry. When I get excited I tend to yell,” Chandler said, lowering his voice.

“It’s okay,” Kurt said immediately. “You’re just really enthusiastic. It’s refreshing.”

“Then I should quit while I’m ahead. Nice to meet you, Kurt. I know you’ll nail whatever song you pick.” Chandler paused before asking, “Can I get your number?”

Kurt froze. He knew he should tell Chandler he had a boyfriend, but Kurt himself wasn’t even sure if that was true anymore. Blaine never seemed to want him around anymore. And Kurt was lonely. What could it hurt?

**K/B**

As Kurt put the finishing touches on his hair the next morning, he sent a message to Blaine asking if he was ready for Kurt to pick him up. Kurt put down the canister of hairspray, checking his hair one last time in the mirror. As he picked up his messenger bag, his phone chimed. Kurt opened the message from Blaine, frowning. Blaine had already left.

The week before Blaine had driven himself, but just yesterday they had carpooled like normal. Now, once again, Blaine couldn’t even bear to be in the same car as Kurt. Kurt’s messenger bag fell to the ground with a thump. He turned on his heel and disappeared into his bathroom.

**K/B**

Kurt kept up a protective mask at school that day. He knew he should feel guilty for cutting yesterday, and again this morning, but he just didn’t have it in him to care. Blaine had scarcely spoken to him except for the text message earlier that morning. Thankfully, Kurt’s new friend Chandler proved to be a welcome distraction. Kurt sent the boy in question a reply before continuing to clean his locker.

“I’ve been practicing Whitney’s version of “The Star-Spangled Banner” all night and I _still_ can’t sing it,” Rachel said morosely as she walked up to him. She leaned against the lockers, watching as people walked by.

“You’re just realizing this now?” Kurt asked unhelpfully. “I’m surprised anyone has attempted it after she nailed it to the wall.”

Before Rachel could answer, Kurt’s phone vibrated. He pulled it out of his pocket, smiling as he saw Chandler’s newest text message.

“Oh, I know what that is!” Rachel squealed. “Finn sends me cute text messages all the time. Usually they’re puns about my boobs but I still appreciate the gesture.”

"It’s not from Blaine,” Kurt told her as he typed out a reply.

“Then who _is_ it?” Rachel demanded.

"He’s just a guy I met at Between the Sheets,” Kurt explained offhandedly.

“And what did Mr. Between the Sheets have to say?” Rachel asked.

“Nothing,” Kurt answered, tired of Rachel’s cross examination. “We just joke around.” Rachel gave him a look and he caved. “All right, look. ‘Are you an astronaut because your smile is out of this world?’”

“Kurt, are you kidding me?” Rachel asked, snatching his phone out of his hand. She gasped as she saw just how many text messages Kurt had exchanged with Chandler. “Kurt, you’ve been texting him more than Blaine.”

“It’s nothing,” Kurt said, rolling his eyes. “He makes me feel good.”

“ _Blaine_ is supposed to make you feel good,” Rachel stressed.

“You said Finn sends you cute text messages every day. Does he compliment you? Constantly try to get into your pants?” Kurt asked.

“Yeah, he’s an eighteen year old boy,” Rachel replied.

Kurt sighed. “And so is Blaine. Before, he could hardly keep his hands off me, but now. . . .” Rachel didn’t speak. Kurt closed his locker, leaning closer to her. “Have you ever heard of lesbian bed death? It’s when two lesbians date long enough that they become like sisters. Blaine and I are like an old married couple. I don’t think we’ve had an unscheduled make out session in two weeks.”

“You schedule make out sessions?” Rachel asked incredulously.

“My point is that I love Blaine and he loves me. But he isn’t exactly showing it right now,” Kurt sad as they walked down the hall. “What’s the harm in someone making me feel special if it’s innocent?”

Rachel stepped in front of him. Crossing her arms over her chest, she asked, “Would you show Blaine those texts?”

“Of course not,” Kurt replied.

“Then I guess it’s not that innocent,” Rachel said before she walked away.

Kurt bit his lip. Maybe Rachel was right. Looking to his right, Kurt was relieved to see an empty classroom. He slipped inside, locking the door behind him. Sliding down the wall to the floor, Kurt pulled his razorblade out of his messenger bag. Pulling up his shirt, Kurt slid the blade into his stomach. His tears fell as he mutilated his skin. Kurt leaned his head against the wall, breathing heavily. He dropped the blade into his messenger bag, pulling out a piece of gauze. He wiped away the blood before pulling his shirt back down.

As Kurt stumbled to his feet, he realized that he had cut three times in the past two days and Blaine hadn’t noticed. In fact, Blaine hadn’t noticed anything was wrong with Kurt at all. Kurt felt like Blaine didn’t even see him anymore. He was invisible. Kurt pulled out his phone, looking sadly at the background image of him and Blaine. Kurt continued to look at the picture as he began to sing.

_I take these pills to make me thin._

_I dye my hair, and cut my skin._

_I try everything to make them see me._

_But all they see is someone that's not me._

More than anything, Kurt wished things would go back to normal. He missed Blaine so much it hurt. He felt like there was a void in his life where Blaine used to be. And Kurt didn’t know how to get him back, or why he had left in the first place.

_Even when I'm walking on a wire,_

_Even when I set myself on fire,_

_Why do I always feel invisible, invisible?_

_Every day I try to look my best,_

_Even though inside I'm such a mess._

_Why do I always feel invisible, invisible?_

Kurt was used to going unnoticed by his peers. Hell, he felt safer that way. But after joining glee club, he found he actually had friends that cared about him. But now even they didn’t seem to notice anything was wrong, except for Rachel who had found out on accident. But even she didn’t know the extent of how Blaine’s distance was affecting Kurt. No one did.

_Here inside my quiet hell,_

_You cannot hear my cries for help._

_I try everything to make them see me._

_But everyone sees what I can't be._

Every fiber of Kurt’s being was crying out for help. He wanted Blaine to hear him, to save him, but he didn’t. Kurt tried so hard to bring Blaine back to him, but nothing worked. Blaine had finally realized just how imperfect Kurt was and deemed him unworthy of the effort.

_Even when I'm walking on a wire,_

_Even when I set myself on fire,_

_Why do I always feel invisible, invisible?_

_Every day I try to look my best,_

_Even though inside I'm such a mess._

_Why do I always feel invisible, invisible?_

Yes, Kurt was used to being ignored by his peers (except by the bullies). It had been happening for years. What he wasn’t used to was being invisible to Blaine. Every day Kurt tried so hard to catch his attention. He dressed as impeccable as ever, putting even more time into planning his outfits (which already took several hours). On the outside, he looked put together even though he was fall apart on the inside. Normally, Blaine would see right through his façade, but not anymore.

_Sometimes when I'm alone,_

_I pretend that I'm a queen._

_It's almost believable._

When Kurt wasn’t lying in bed at night crying, he dreamt of how things used to be. He thought of Blaine’s strong arms holding him tight. The tender way Blaine made love to him. The whispered words across bare skin. The simple brush of fingertips. Each of these things used to make Kurt feel like he was on top of the world. Now they only filled him with longing.

_Even when I'm walking on a wire,_

_Even when I set myself on fire,_

_Why do I always feel invisible, invisible?_

_Every day I try to look my best,_

_Even though inside I'm such a mess._

_Why do I always feel invisible, invisible?_

Kurt bit his lip hard. He pulled himself together the best that he could, carefully putting his mask back into place. Kurt gathered his courage and left the room.

**K/B**

The next afternoon, Kurt was surprised when he had successfully talked Blaine into a movie marathon at Kurt’s house. He dropped his things off in his room before leaving Blaine to go grab some snacks. He entered the room with a smile on his face.

“Okay I have the snacks. Our movie marathon can now begin,” Kurt said as he set the tray of food down on his bed.

“Who’s Chandler?” Blaine asked in a broken voice, looking up at Kurt with sad eyes.

“Why are you going through my phone?” Kurt asked. Blaine had never gone through his things without permission before.

“I wasn’t going through your phone. It wouldn’t stop buzzing because _Chandler_ won’t stop texting you. ‘When we go to New York, let’s go to the front of The Plaza and reenact the end of _The Way We Were_ ,’” Blaine read.

“Give me my phone,” Kurt said, reaching for it.

Blaine moved out of Kurt’s reach, continuing to read aloud, “‘Can you sing into my voicemail? I want to make your voice my ringtone.’”

“Give me my phone,” Kurt repeated.

“There are dozens of texts between the two of you. Do you know how many times you’ve texted _me_ in the past few days? Four and three of them were about shoe polish,” Blaine said dismally.

“Why are you getting so upset?” Kurt asked. “This is all innocent.”

“This is _cheating_ , Kurt!” Blaine said with his voice filled with hurt.

“This is _texting_ ,” Kurt said, raising his voice. “He is just a guy that I met at the music store. _Nothing_ happened. You used to text Sebastian all the time. You’d _call_ him even!”

“I didn’t _like_ him,” Blaine countered. “And all of our texts were family friendly. You _like_ this guy.”

Kurt sighed heavily, sitting on his bed. “I don’t like _him_. . . . I like the way he makes me feel. When was the last time you complimented me, Blaine, or told me how special I am?”

“I transferred _schools_ to be with you! I changed my _entire life!_ That doesn’t make you feel _loved?”_ Blaine asked incredulously.

“You don’t know what it’s like being _your_ boyfriend,” Kurt told him. “Okay? You are the alpha gay. Even Rachel wanted to make out with you. I used to get solos every week. Do you know how many times I’ve had to sit on a stool and watch you perform?”

“Then _talk_ to me. _Tell_ me that you’re unhappy. But _don’t_ cheat on me,” Blaine said.

“I feel like I’ve taken crazy pills! I didn’t _cheat_ on you! I’m sorry that this made you upset, but it’s okay!” Kurt said, taking his phone from Blaine.

Blaine looked at him in disbelief. “It’s not right, but it’s okay.”

Without another word, Blaine stormed out of the room. Kurt heard the front door slamming shut. He moved to the window, watching as Blaine drove away. Kurt allowed his tears to fall freely. Moving away from the window, Kurt stripped down until he was standing in his boxers.

Kurt entered his bathroom, staring at himself in the mirror for a split second before he opened his medicine cabinet. He removed his razorblade, noting how the metal gleamed in the light. Without a second thought, Kurt sliced into his wrists, his stomach, his chest, his thighs. He cut until the physical pain pushed away the emotional. Kurt allowed his wounds to bleed freely. He couldn’t even begin to count how many there were. The crimson flowed out, staining his porcelain skin. Completely drained, both emotionally and physically, Kurt fell into bed.

**K/B**

The first thing Kurt noticed the next morning was pain. He didn’t wince, he didn’t hiss. The physical pain wasn’t so bad after all the emotional anguish he had endured. Kurt pulled himself out of bed. His sheets were stained with blood but Kurt just couldn’t find it in him to care. He made up his bed so his dad wouldn’t see the evidence of his sins. Kurt slipped into the shower, watching as the dried blood swirled down the drain. Kurt wished he could float away as well.

The day passed slowly. Every time Kurt saw Blaine, a fresh bout of pain overwhelmed him. Kurt pressed against his wounds, glad he had worn the tightest pair of jeans he owned as they constantly rubbed against the cuts on his thighs. Kurt considered skipping glee club all together, but didn’t want to raise any suspicion from his stepbrother and best friend so he trudged into the choir room. When Blaine entered the room, he approached Will.

“All right, guys. Blaine is going to start us off today,” Will announced as he took a seat beside Kurt.

“This song is for anyone who’s ever been _cheated_ on,” Blaine proclaimed as the band began to play.

All heads spun around to stare at Kurt. Kurt tried to ignore them, instead looking at Blaine. He wrapped a hand around his wrist, squeezing hard.

“This is insane. I didn’t _cheat_ on you,” Kurt said as he crossed his legs, causing his cuts to rub against his jeans harder.

But Blaine didn’t listen. He launched into “It’s Not Right, But It’s Okay.” Kurt wanted to disappear on the spot, but forced himself to sit and listen. If he left, Rachel or Finn would be sure to follow him and Kurt couldn’t risk them finding out about his latest cutting binge. When the song ended, Blaine stalked out of the room without another word.

“I think we should call it a day, guys,” Will said awkwardly.

Everyone glanced at Kurt before gathering their things and filing out of the room. Only Finn and Rachel hung behind. Rachel approached Kurt cautiously. She didn’t speak until she was standing in front of him.

“Kurt-”

“Please, Rachel, _don’t_. I just want to be alone,” Kurt said brokenly.

“You know where to find me if you change your mind,” Rachel said softly.

As they left the room, Kurt finally let his tears fall. He wasted no time in finding his razor. He grasped the weapon in his hand, rolling up his shirt sleeve. Kurt pushed the blade into his skin. Again and again he sliced away at his flesh. Kurt dropped the blade back into his bag. As he watched the blood run down his arm, he began to sing.

_Please, please forgive me,_

_But I won't be home again._

_Maybe someday you'll look up,_

_And, barely conscious, you'll say to no one:_

_"Isn't something missing?"_

Kurt couldn’t bear watching Blaine walk away from him. He wanted to go after him, but knew he couldn’t. It wouldn’t make a difference. Kurt could only wish that Blaine would come around in time. Maybe in time, Blaine would feel the same void Kurt felt without him there.

_You won't cry for my absence, I know -_

_You forgot me long ago._

_Am I that unimportant?_

_Am I so insignificant?_

_Isn't something missing?_

_Isn't someone missing me?_

Kurt knew it was more likely that Blaine wouldn’t miss him in the slightest. He wouldn’t waste any tears over Kurt. Blaine had all but forgotten about him weeks ago. Blaine had always made Kurt feel important. Now he felt insignificant. No, Blaine would not miss him.

_Even though I'm the sacrifice,_

_You won't try for me, not now._

_Though I'd die to know you love me,_

_I'm all alone._

_Isn't someone missing me?_

Blaine had walked away, closing the door behind him without a second glance. Even though he was losing Kurt in the process, Blaine wasn’t willing to talk things out. Kurt was dying inside without him. And no one even noticed.

_Please, please forgive me,_

_But I won't be home again._

_I know what you do to yourself,_

_I breathe deep and cry aloud,_

_"Isn't something missing?_

_Isn't someone missing me?"_

Kurt wished some part of Blaine would realize just how badly Kurt had been hurting the past few weeks. Blaine had always known when Kurt hurt himself and tried to hide it. But not anymore. This time Kurt had been able to keep it a secret from everyone.

_Even though I'm the sacrifice,_

_You won't try for me, not now._

_Though I'd die to know you love me,_

_I'm all alone._

_Isn't someone missing me?_

_And if I bleed, I'll bleed,_

_Knowing you don't care._

_And if I sleep just to dream of you_

_I'll wake without you there._

_Isn't something missing?_

_Isn't something. . ._

Kurt had known even as he cut himself that Blaine wouldn’t care even if he knew. If Kurt went to him and showed him his wounds, Blaine would only walk away again. Anyway, Kurt knew he couldn’t approach him. Instead he could only meet Blaine in his dreams, sobbing as he awoke alone in his bed.

_Even though I'm the sacrifice,_

_You won't try for me, not now._

_Though I'd die to know you love me,_

_I'm all alone._

_Isn’t something missing?_

_Isn't someone missing me?_

Kurt wiped away the blood from his arm before pulling his sleeve back down. He grabbed his belongings and reluctantly left the room. He longed to sit there forever and never move again, but he knew his dad would get worried if he stayed out too late. So he drove himself home.

At home, Kurt distracted himself by going through the things he wanted to take with him to New York. He heard the door close downstairs, knowing his dad was home. He didn’t go down to greet him like he normally did. Kurt wasn’t surprised when he heard footsteps coming up the stairs.

“What’s with all the stickers?” Burt asked as he walked into the room.

“I’m sorting my things for my departure to New York. Pink is for stay, blue is for go, red is for trash, and green is for humidity controlled storage to keep in mint condition,” Kurt explained.

“What if I want to keep some of this stuff?” Burt asked as he picked up the scepter Kurt had received when he’d been crowned prom queen.

“You can go through my leftovers,” Kurt told him as he continued to place Post-It notes on items.

“You’re not taking this with you?” Burt asked, grabbing the picture of Kurt and Blaine from prom.

“Blaine and I are on the rocks,” Kurt said hesitantly. “I honestly don’t know what’s wrong with him. But, with that said, I reserve the right to re-Post-It later.”

Burt watched as Kurt placed a red Post-It note on a plaque. He picked it up, removing the note.

“This isn’t garbage,” Burt said.

“Dad, it’s a certificate of participation in regionals. The one that we lost,” Kurt said. “You’ve seen _Hoarders_. This is how it starts.”

“I’d like to keep it,” Burt said.

“Dad, don’t get all sentimental on me.”

“We haven’t been sentimental enough! We’ve been way too casual about this, Kurt. Do you realize we haven’t had a Friday night dinner in three weeks?” Burt asked.

“You’ve been in D.C.,” Kurt reminded him.

“I could’ve got an earlier flight,” Burt protested.

“Then why didn’t you? Why have you been skipping dinners?” Kurt asked.

“Because I don’t want you to go,” Burt admitted. “We’ve been doing this dance for over a decade. You know, Starsky and gay Hutch.”

“So you’ve been skipping dinners because you’re sad there’s not going to be anymore dinners?” Kurt asked. “I’m confused.”

“You don’t understand yet,” Burt said with a sigh. “I know you got a taste of it when your mom died. But as you get older you realize nothing lasts forever. Yes, we will always love each other and we will always support each other but as soon as you leave for New York _everything_ is going to change. And it won’t change back. I am _so_ happy for you, Kurt, and I am _so_ proud. You know, we’ve made each other men. Sometimes I just want my sweet little boy back. I’m going to miss you, Kurt. A lot.”

“I’m going to miss you too, Dad,” Kurt said. He embraced his father tightly, ignoring the sting of his wounds.

Burt pressed a kiss to his hair before he left the room. Kurt watched him go. Now he realized just how much he was going to miss his dad.  The pain overwhelmed him. But Kurt knew how to make it go away. He disappeared into his bathroom once more.

**K/B**

The next day, Kurt decided he wasn’t going to let Blaine walk away so easily. He had devised his plan. Kurt had already spoken to Will so as glee club began, Kurt moved to the front of the room. He nodded at the band, who began to play. Kurt looked at Blaine as he opened his mouth to sing.

_Share my life; take me for what I am,_

_‘Cause I'll never change all my colors for you._

_Take my love, I'll never ask for too much,_

_Just all that you are and everything that you do._

Kurt closed his eyes as he began to sing, not ready to see Blaine’s reaction. After the first line, he drew up enough courage to look at Blaine. Kurt noticed Mike Chang turning to look at Blaine, who glared at him until he turned around. Kurt took that as a bad sign. If this didn’t work, he didn’t know what would.

_I don't really need to look very much further._

_I don't want to have to go where you don't follow._

_I won't hold it back again, this passion inside._

_Can't run from myself;_

_There's nowhere to hide._

Kurt sang with all the passion and love he felt for Blaine. He wanted Blaine more than anything in the world. He needed him by his side. Kurt couldn’t pretend anymore. He let all of his emotions out that he had been hiding. He couldn’t run away from them any longer.

_Don't make me close one more door._

_I don't wanna hurt anymore._

_Stay in my arms if you dare._

_Or must I imagine you there?_

_Don't walk away from me. . . ._

_I have nothing, nothing, nothing!_

Kurt refused to let Blaine walk away from him without trying to fix things. All he wanted was for things to go back to normal. Kurt didn’t want to hurt anymore. He had hurt so much for so long. And losing Blaine only increased that pain tenfold.

_Don't make me close one more door._

_I don't wanna hurt anymore._

_Stay in my arms if you dare._

_Or must I imagine you there?_

_Don't walk away from me. . . ._

_No, don’t walk away from me. . . ._

_Don't you dare walk away from me!_

_I have nothing, nothing, nothing,_

_If I don't have you, you, you, you._

_If I don’t have you, oh, oh._

Blaine was moved to tears by the end of the song, and he even applauded. Kurt wanted to talk to him but the fear and pain stopped him. Instead, Kurt retreated to the nearest bathroom where he found solace in the razor once more.

**K/B**

By last period, Kurt couldn’t stand it anymore. He needed to talk to someone so he asked for permission to go see Emma. After hearing what was going on, she called Blaine into the office. Blaine paused when he saw Kurt was there, but took a seat nonetheless.

“I’m confused. Why did you call me here?” Blaine asked.

“Kurt said you two might need a little couple’s counseling,” Emma explained.

“Are you qualified for that?” Blaine asked rudely.

“Not really,” Emma admitted, “Or at all. But Sam and Mercedes came to me and I think they found it helpful.”

“Yeah, I’m pretty sure they broke up,” Blaine said slowly.

“Brutal honesty is the cornerstone of any relationship,” Emma said after a pause. “I want you to know that this is a safe space for you to air your differences.”

“Okay. First, Kurt has been texting this guy and I got really upset, although a while back I was sort of doing the same thing,” Blaine began.

“With a guy that almost _blinded_ him!” Kurt cut in. “Blaine, I sang you a song to express my regrets.”

“Okay, if we’re here to be brutally honest there are a few things I’d like to say,” Blaine said.

“I’m actively listening,” Kurt replied.

Emma winked at him.

“For starters, Kurt tends to snap his fingers at wait staff. The cheesecake is on it’s way, Kurt, you don’t have to snap your fingers. It won’t make it come any faster. And please stop slipping bronzer into my moisturizer.”

“You look good with a little color,” Kurt protested.

“I only use it on my hands. It looks weird if a person only has tan hands!” Blaine exclaimed. “And while we’re being perfectly honest, I don’t like how every conversation we have ends up about NYADA or OSU. All we talk about is your auditions and the likelihood of you getting into either college.” Blaine paused. “It’s like you can’t wait to leave me. How is that supposed to make me feel? In a few months, I’m going to be in New York, alone. And you’ll be here. . . . I know I’ve been distant lately. I’m sorry. I guess I was just trying to practice what life would be like without you. . . . You are the love of my life, Kurt, and I’m hurt that next year I’m going to have to learn what being alone is like.”

“Blaine, we don’t know for sure that I’m going to OSU. You know NYADA is my first choice. You know I want to be with you more than _anything_. And if worse comes to worse and I do go to OSU, you won’t be alone. We’ll Skype _every_ day and I’ll come visit you so often you’ll get sick of me. I promise you, you _aren’t_ going to lose me.”

“I love you so much,” Blaine said.

“I love you too,” Kurt said with a smile.

Blaine leaned in to kiss him quickly before enveloping him in a tight hug. Kurt held on like Blaine was the only thing keeping him afloat. When they pulled apart, they thanked Emma profusely before exiting her office.

“Do you want to talk some more?” Blaine asked nervously.

“Of course. Let’s go to the choir room. It should be empty,” Kurt said.

They settled into their usual seats, facing each other. Blaine grasped Kurt’s hands in his, squeezing them.

“I’m so sorry for how I’ve treated you,” Blaine said earnestly. “You must have felt so alone.”

“I did. Honestly, I thought you had given up on me,” Kurt admitted.

“I’m never giving up on you, Kurt. I promise. And I’m never going to leave you. Come here.” Blaine pulled Kurt over to the piano. They sat on the bench and Blaine lifted his hands to the keys.

_Time, is going by, so much faster than I,_

_And I'm starting to regret not spending all of it with you._

_Now I'm, wondering why, I've kept this bottled inside,_

_So I'm starting to regret not telling all of it to you._

_So if I haven't yet, I've gotta let you know. . ._

Blaine knew they didn’t have much time left until their auditions and the final judgment came in. Blaine regretted pushing Kurt away. They should have been spending all of their time together. He was determined to make up for his mistakes.

_You're never gonna be alone_

_From this moment on, if you ever feel like letting go,_

_I won't let you fall. . . ._

_You're never gonna be alone._

_I'll hold you 'til the hurt is gone._

Blaine wanted Kurt to know that he would never truly be alone, no matter how much he felt like it. Blaine wouldn’t let him fall off of his path. He would catch him and guide him back. And when the pain became too much to bear, Blaine would hold him until his tears subsided.

_And now, as long as I can, I'm holding on with both hands,_

_'Cause forever I believe that there's nothing I could need but you._

_So if I haven't yet, I've gotta let you know. . . ._

_You're never gonna be alone_

_From this moment on, if you ever feel like letting go,_

_I won't let you fall._

_When all hope is gone, I know that you can carry on._

_We're gonna see the world out,_

_I'll hold you 'til the hurt is gone._

Blaine could see his future with Kurt clearly. Whether they both went to New York or not, their futures were tied together. Blaine was going to spend the rest of his life loving Kurt. One day, he was going to marry him. They would raise children together. They would be happy.

_Oh!_

_You've gotta live every single day,_

_Like it's the only one, what if tomorrow never comes?_

_Don't let it slip away,_

_Could be our only one, you know it's only just begun._

_Every single day,_

_Maybe our only one, what if tomorrow never comes?_

_Tomorrow never comes. . . ._

They had wasted so much time the past few weeks. Everything could end tomorrow, and Blaine would regret not spending every last moment with Kurt. That was ending now. Blaine wouldn’t let time slip away from them again.

_Time, is going by, so much faster than I,_

_And I'm starting to regret not telling all of this to you._

_You're never gonna be alone_

_From this moment on, if you ever feel like letting go,_

_I won't let you fall._

_When all hope is gone, I know that you can carry on._

_We're gonna see the world out,_

_I'll hold you 'til the hurt is gone._

Blaine knew one thing for sure. They would be together forever. He was never letting Kurt go. He loved him far too much to watch him walk away.

_I'm gonna be there always._

_I won't be missing one more day._

_I'm gonna be there always._

_I won't be missing one more day._

Blaine turned to Kurt, lifting his hands from the keys. He framed Kurt’s face with his hands, saying, “I love you.”

He kissed Kurt deeply, pouring all of his love into the kiss. Kurt pulled him closer, moaning as Blaine licked into his mouth. Their tongues tangled together, fighting for dominance. When Blaine finally pulled away, they were both breathless.

“I love you,” Blaine repeated.

“I love you too,” Kurt answered.

 _“Forever.”_ It wasn’t a question.

_“Always.”_

**K/B**

Kurt and Blaine split up to get their things from their last classes as the dismissal bell rang. Kurt was at his locker when Blaine found him.

“I love your jauntily placed cap, like a Russian czar,” Blaine complimented him.

Kurt’s phone vibrated before he could reply. He pulled it out, saying, “It’s not Chandler. I told him not to contact me again.”

“I know,” Blaine replied. “It’s from me.”

Kurt read the message, blushing. As he looked up at Blaine, he said, “How unscheduled of you. But what about glee club?”

“No one will be there. Mr. Schue said it wasn’t mandatory so everyone’s going their own way,” Blaine said. “Come on. Let’s blow it off.”

“But it’s _glee_. We only have so many left together,” Kurt reminded him.

“Okay,” Blaine consented. He took Kurt’s hand as they walked towards the auditorium.

Blaine was glad Kurt had insisted on going to practice. It seemed everyone had abandoned their plans in favor of spending time together before it was too late. They formed a massive group hug when the song ended before leaving one by one. Kurt turned to Blaine, kissing him passionately.

“Let’s get out of here,” Kurt said breathily.

They went to Kurt’s house, knowing Carole and Burt were at work and Finn would be with Rachel. They made their way to Kurt’s room, stopping to kiss along the way. Once inside and the door was locked, Blaine pulled Kurt to him. Kurt wasted no time in ridding Blaine of his shirt and jeans. Kurt bit his lip as Blaine began to pull Kurt’s shirt off, knowing what was coming.

“Oh my god, _Kurt_ ,” Blaine gasped as he took in the damage Kurt had done to himself. He had never seen so many cuts on his boyfriend’s body. Blaine’s eyes filled with tears and he sobbed, “This is my fault.”

“No it isn’t,” Kurt protested. _“I_ made the choice to do this, not you. You can’t blame yourself for my actions.”

“I should have been there to stop you,” Blaine disagreed, shaking his head furiously.

“Please,” Kurt pleaded. “Don’t torture yourself with this, not now. Right now, I need _you_. I need you to love me.”

Blaine took a deep breath, nodding. He led Kurt to the bed and laid him down. As he kissed Kurt deeply, he let go of all of his anxiety for the previous weeks.

**K/B**

After they made love, Blaine laid with his head on Kurt’s chest. They were both breathing heavily. Neither spoke until their racing hearts had slowed down. Blaine lifted Kurt’s wrist so he could finally examine his cuts. Blaine gasped in horror.

“Kurt, these are infected!”

“I wasn’t very careful,” Kurt admitted.

“You didn’t clean them?” Blaine asked.

“No,” Kurt said shyly.

Just in time, the door closed downstairs. Blaine pulled Kurt to his feet, tossing his clothes at him before pulling on his own.

“You need to let Carole see these,” Blaine told him.

Kurt protested, but Blaine dragged him down the stairs. Carole inhaled quickly when she saw all the cuts on Kurt’s wrist, chest, stomach, and thighs. Several of them were infected. She didn’t ask any questions, but cleaned them for him with an antibacterial cream. When she was done, Blaine pulled him into his arms.

“I’m never putting you through that again,” Blaine vowed. “I promise.”

“I know,” Kurt replied simply. “I love you.”

“I love you too.”

“Forever?”

_“Always.”_


	34. Chapter 33:  Choke

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Thank you to everyone who reviewed, favorited, or alerted this story! Again, if anyone has any suggestions for the sequel please let me know!
> 
> Warnings for this chapter: sexual situations
> 
> Spoilers for: 3x18 – Choke
> 
> Disclaimer: I do not own Glee. “When You’re Young” belongs to 3 Doors Down. “Lullaby” belongs to Nickelback. “You Raise Me Up” belongs to Josh Groban.

 

Chapter Thirty-Three – Choke

Kurt had been in the auditorium practicing Andrew Lloyd Webber’s “Music of the Night” for two hours now. Tina was playing Christine to Kurt’s Phantom; she was exhausted. Her enthusiasm had diminished to next to nothing but she didn’t have the heart to ask Kurt if they could call it a day. He was really nervous about his audition. Artie was there too, helping with the fog effects. Blaine was in the audience, watching Kurt practice. He never tired of watching his boyfriend perform. They finished the song, which in Blaine’s mind was perfection. He jumped to his feet, applauding loudly.

“Fantastic!” he exclaimed. “I loved it!”

“I don’t know,” Kurt said uncertainly. “My entire future is riding on this audition. It has to be absolutely perfect. What if I sequin my cape, or I sing it in German, or if I did it in the nude?”

“What?” Blaine said, trying to fight back a chuckle.

“I’m serious! I’ve always been ahead of the curve and my audition needs to reflect that. It’s too safe, too predictable, too boring. I’m bored!” Kurt was beginning to panic.

“Calm down, baby, breathe. You’re overthinking this,” Blaine told him.

“My foot’s asleep. Can I walk it off?” Tina interrupted them.

"Sure, just don’t go too far,” Kurt said with a wave of his hand. As an afterthought he added, “And thanks.” He turned back to Blaine. “I need to start from scratch. I need something fresh and edgy, something completely unpredictable.” Kurt paused, thinking. “Or maybe I just need more candles.”

“God, no! No more candles,” Blaine said, looking around the stage at the hundred or so candles that were lit.

“It’s useless. I’m never going to be accepted to NYADA,” Kurt said miserably as he sat on the edge of the stage, swinging his legs. Blaine walked up to him, standing in between Kurt’s legs. He took Kurt’s hands in his, squeezing them.

“You are going to be perfect. You’ve spent so much time practicing, you just need a break. Come on, let’s get you home.” Blaine pulled Kurt off of the stage and into his arms. Kurt rested his forehead on Blaine’s shoulder. Blaine held him a while longer before pressing a kiss to Kurt’s hair and taking a step back. “Come on.”

Kurt took Blaine’s hand, allowing him to lead him out to the parking lot. They drove to Kurt’s house, greeting Burt and Carole before heading up the stairs to Kurt’s room. Once in the room, Kurt collapsed onto his bed.

“Are you okay?” Blaine asked.

Kurt felt the mattress dip as Blaine sat beside him. Kurt rolled onto his back, looking up at Blaine.

“I don’t think I’ve ever been so anxious in my life. All of my dreams are riding on this audition,” Kurt said.

“Everything’s going to be okay,” Blaine tried to reassure him.

Kurt pushed himself off the bed, going over to his iHome. He scrolled through his song list before selecting the one he was looking for. He moved back to the bed as he sang.

_So far away from knowing where I’m going,_

_I’m trying hard to find out who I am._

_They all say that I don't know what I’m doing._

_I say they don't hardly understand._

Kurt was afraid. He didn’t know where life was leading him, where he would end up. Kurt had spent so many years trying to discover who he was, and he still didn’t know. Not knowing where he was going made the search even harder. No one understood. They didn’t seem to think he knew what he was doing. And maybe, he didn’t.

_Why can't they remember,_

_What I'll never forget?_

_How these dreams can come undone,_

_When you're young._

Everyone thought Kurt was taking this audition too seriously. They had all forgotten this audition determined whether he was accepted into NYADA or not. If he didn’t make the cut, Kurt’s dreams would collapse.

_You give what you give ‘cause they make you,_

_Trapped inside a place that won't take you._

_And they want you to be what they make you._

_It's already over and done,_

_When you're young._

Kurt had never fit in. He had been hoping NYADA was the one place where he would be accepted. No other place wanted him. The only time Kurt had ever been accepted, flaws and all, was in glee club. And now that it was ending, Kurt needed to find a new place to be himself.

_Everything seems perfect._

_Everything's OK._

_It will all get better now._

_At least that's what they say._

_But I don't see it coming._

Blaine was constantly reassuring Kurt that his audition would be perfect. He said everything would be all right. It was the same thing since he had been diagnosed with depression. Everyone told him things would get better. And just like it had been then, Kurt didn’t see any of those things coming true.

_You give what you give ‘cause they make you,_

_Trapped inside a place that won't take you._

_And they want you to be what they make you._

_It's already over and done,_

_When you're young._

Blaine knew Kurt was nervous. He knew how much this audition meant to Kurt. Blaine was afraid the pressure would prove too much and Kurt would relapse again. Each time he tried to reassure Kurt, he was also reassuring himself. He had to have faith in Kurt, no matter what.

_Days never seem longer._

_They say it's better this way._

_I hope one day I am stronger than I feel._

_And I hope that it feels different than today._

Kurt felt weak and imperfect. He always strove for perfection, but this audition made that search worse than ever. Blaine always said he was strong and his past proved that. Kurt hoped one day he would feel the same way.

_You give what you give ‘cause they make you,_

_Trapped inside a place that won't take you._

_And they want you to be what they make you._

_It's already over and done._

_It's already over and done._

_It's already over and done._

_When you're young._

_Why can't they remember,_

_What I'll never forget?_

_How these dreams can come undone,_

_When you're young._

Blaine pulled Kurt into his arms, pressing a kiss to his lips. As they broke apart Blaine said, “I wish there was something I could do.”

“So do I,” Kurt replied.

“Boys, dinner!” Burt called from downstairs.

Kurt brushed his lips against Blaine’s once more before pulling him to his feet.

“We better go before Finn eats everything,” Kurt said as he walked towards the door.

“It’s probably too late,” Blaine said, following his boyfriend out the door.

**K/B**

The next day, Kurt drove home alone. Blaine had driven himself to school that day so he could spend some time with the glee guys in the weight room after school. Between that and homework, Kurt didn’t expect to hear from Blaine until their nightly conversation before bed. Kurt worked on his homework, finishing it just before dinnertime. He ate quickly, anxious to get to back to his room so he could practice some more for his audition.

Kurt worked through the song for several hours. He decided to run through it one last time. Everything flowed smoothly until the end. He sharped the last note. Kurt threw his sheet music into the air. He paced his room, trying to calm his racing mind.  It was useless. His anxiety only increased. Unable to think of other options, Kurt entered his bathroom.

**K/B**

Blaine settled into his bed after a tiring day. He grabbed his phone off of his nightstand before relaxing against the pillows. He dialed Kurt’s number from memory. Normally, Kurt picked up immediately as this was their nightly ritual. But that night the phone continued to ring until finally Kurt’s voicemail picked up. Blaine sat up in bed. Something was wrong. He frantically dialed Kurt’s number again as he sprinted down the stairs, not stopping to put on a shirt and shoes. Blaine was out the door, keys and wallet in hand, before Kurt’s voicemail could pick up.

Blaine backed his car out of the driveway, speeding down the road to Kurt’s house. His thoughts were racing as he drove. Blaine pulled up in front of Kurt’s house, almost forgetting to cut the engine in his haste. He sprinted up the stairs, letting himself into the house. Burt and Carole had already gone to bed, turning off the lights in the house. Blaine felt his way to the stairs through the darkness, hurrying up to Kurt’s room.

Kurt wasn’t in his bedroom. Blaine immediately started towards his bathroom. The door was closed but a light shone through the crack at the bottom. Blaine twisted the knob, thankful that the door was unlocked. Stepping into the room, Blaine sighed in relief as he caught sight of Kurt. He was sitting on the floor, staring at the razorblade he held in between his thumb and forefinger as he cried. He had yet to hurt himself.

Blaine dropped to his knees by his side, taking the weapon from Kurt. He put it on the counter, pulling Kurt into his arms.

“Blaine?” Kurt sobbed against Blaine’s chest, breathing in his comforting scent.

“Shh, you’re all right, baby. I’ve got you. I’m here now,” Blaine said, pressing a kiss to his hair. He rocked him gently as he began to sing.

_Well, I know the feeling,_

_Of finding yourself stuck out on the ledge._

_And there ain't no healing_

_From cutting yourself with the jagged edge._

_I'm telling you that, it's never that bad._

_Take it from someone who's been where you're at._

_Laid out on the floor,_

_And you're not sure you can take this anymore._

Blaine knew Kurt’s anxiety had been building for several weeks now. But after he had binged so bad the week before, Blaine had hoped Kurt would be able to fight off the urges. Thankfully, Blaine found him in time and was able to stop him. He knew Kurt felt like he was holding on by a thread. Kurt had watched the thread fray until he couldn’t take it anymore.

_So just give it one more try to a lullaby,_

_And turn this up on the radio._

_If you can hear me now,_

_I'm reaching out_

_To let you know that you're not alone._

_And if you can't tell, I'm scared as hell,_

_'Cause I can't get you on the telephone._

_So just close your eyes._

_Oh, honey here comes a lullaby._

_Your very own lullaby._

Tonight, Kurt had chosen to give up. Blaine wished he had kept trying, but he would never say that to Kurt. He didn’t want to make him feel even worse than he already did. Blaine just wished Kurt would hear him when he told him everything would be all right. Kurt wasn’t alone in this, but Blaine couldn’t make Kurt see that.

_Please let me take you_

_Out of the darkness and into the light._

_'Cause I have faith in you,_

_That you're gonna make it through another night._

_Stop thinking about the easy way out;_

_There's no need to go and blow the candle out._

_Because you're not done;_

_You're far too young;_

_And the best is yet to come._

All Blaine wanted was to show Kurt the light that waited for him outside of the darkness. He knew Kurt could make it through this week without cutting. He had faith in him. But Kurt didn’t have the same faith. Instead of meeting his pain head on, he had decided to take the easy road and use the razor to run away from it all. Blaine wasn’t willing to let Kurt give up. He _would_ get better in time. Blaine wouldn’t watch Kurt lose himself to his illness. Kurt had his entire life before him.

_So just give it one more try to a lullaby,_

_And turn this up on the radio._

_If you can hear me now,_

_I'm reaching out_

_To let you know that you're not alone._

_And if you can't tell, I'm scared as hell,_

_'Cause I can't get you on the telephone._

_So just close your eyes._

_Oh, honey here comes a lullaby,_

_Your very own lullaby._

When his phone call had gone unanswered, Blaine knew immediately that something wasn’t right. Fear gripped him like a vice and refused to lessen its hold. Images of Kurt unconscious on the floor in a pool of his own blood haunted Blaine’s vision. Seeing that horrific scene once had changed Blaine forever. He wouldn’t allow it to happen a second time.

_Well, everybody's hit the bottom._

_Everybody's been forgotten._

_Well, everybody's tired of being alone._

_Yeah, everybody's been abandoned._

_And left a little empty handed._

_So if you're out there barely hanging on. . ._

Blaine knew Kurt hadn’t been able to withstand his emotions anymore. All too often in his young life, Kurt had felt forgotten, abandoned, and alone. Those emotions haunted Kurt every day. And when those combined with his uncontrollable anxiety, it was too much for Kurt. He couldn’t hold on anymore. He let go.

_Just give it one more try to a lullaby,_

_And turn this up on the radio._

_If you can hear me now,_

_I'm reaching out_

_To let you know that you're not alone._

_And if you can't tell, I'm scared as hell,_

_'Cause I can't get you on the telephone._

_So just close your eyes._

_Oh, honey here comes a lullaby._

_Your very own lullaby._

_Oh, honey here comes a lullaby._

_Your very own lullaby._

Kurt had relaxed by the time the song was over. That is, he was until Blaine stood up. His eyes widened and his heart pounded in his chest.

“Where are you going? Don’t leave me!” Kurt scrambled to his feet, wrapping his arms around Blaine’s neck and burying his head in his shoulder.

“Relax, sweetheart. I’m not going anywhere except to get you into bed. Come on,” Blaine said, guiding Kurt into his bedroom with a hand on the small of his back.

Kurt climbed into bed, watching Blaine with wide eyes. Blaine knew Kurt was waiting for him to leave, but he meant it when he said he wasn’t going anywhere. He slipped under the covers next to Kurt.

“Hold me?” Kurt asked in a small voice.

“Of course, love,” Blaine replied instantly, pressing a kiss to Kurt’s forehead.

Kurt rolled onto his side, only relaxing his tense muscles when Blaine spooned up behind him. Blaine wrapped an arm around Kurt’s chest, pulling him back closer until his back and pressed flush against Blaine’s naked chest. Kurt drew comfort from the feeling of Blaine’s bare skin against Kurt’s own exposed flesh. Kurt linked his fingers through Blaine’s, moving their hands to rest over Kurt’s heart.

“I love you,” Kurt whispered into the darkness.

"I love you too,” Blaine answered.

“Forever?” Kurt asked sleepily, but he wouldn’t succumb to his exhaustion until he heard Blaine’s answer.

“Always. Forever and for always.”

Kurt smiled, snuggling his head deeper into the pillows. He fell asleep almost instantly, safe in his lover’s arms.

**K/B**

Blaine awoke early the next morning. The sun was rising as the moon retreated back into the heavens. But the sun, the moon and all the stars in the sky could not compare to the beauty lying before him. Kurt had turned sometime in his sleep so he was facing Blaine. His hair was tousled from sleep and he had the most serene expression on his face as he slept. Blaine longed to stay here with Kurt forever, but his stomach was demanding food. Not having the heart to disturb Kurt’s peaceful slumber, Blaine pressed a soft kiss to his lips. Kurt smiled in his sleep, burrowing further under the covers.

He rummaged through Kurt’s closet until he found the simplest shirt Kurt owned. Blaine smiled when he recognized the shirt, white with bold black letters spelling out ‘LIKES BOYS.’ Blaine remembered Kurt telling him about the New Directions’ performance of ‘Born This Way.’ Blaine pulled the shirt over his head, sighing happily as Kurt’s scent completely enveloped him. He settled his gaze over Kurt’s sleeping form once more before slipping out of the door without a sound.

The house was quiet as the other occupants continued to sleep. Blaine set about cooking breakfast, humming to himself as he worked. He was so focused that he didn’t hear Kurt enter the room. He moved the frying pan of scrambled eggs (made solely from egg whites for Kurt’s approval) off of the burner when he felt a pair of arms wrap around him from behind.

“I woke up and you weren’t there,” Kurt pouted, resting his head over Blaine’s shoulder.

“I didn’t want to wake you,” Blaine answered. “I knew you’d be hungry when you woke so I came down here to make breakfast.”

“Have I told you you’re the perfect boyfriend?” Kurt spoke into Blaine’s ear.

“Not lately.” Blaine shivered as Kurt’s hot breath tickled his skin.

“Well you are,” Kurt said. He moved his mouth to Blaine’s neck, trailing his lips over the sensitive flesh.

“Don’t start something you won’t finish, Hummel,” Blaine said huskily as he flipped a pancake.

“Who said I wouldn’t finish it?” Kurt murmured seductively against Blaine’s skin.

Kurt thrust his hips forward, sucking at Blaine’s pulse point. Blaine groaned when he felt Kurt’s erection pressing against him. He pushed back against Kurt, causing the other boy to moan softly into his ear. Before things could escalate, Kurt heard movement down the hall. He jumped back from Blaine, quickly moving to sit at the table. Blaine laughed as Kurt awkwardly crossed his legs, stopping when Kurt shot him his best bitch glare. Carole entered the kitchen, already dressed for work. She paused when she saw Blaine.

“I didn’t know you were here, Blaine,” Carole said as she moved to pour herself a cup of coffee.

Carole moved to the refrigerator, selecting her favorite French vanilla creamer. Kurt poured himself a cup of coffee, taking down a second mug for Blaine. Blaine took the mug from Kurt thankfully, pecking his cheek before he took a quick sip of coffee. He swallowed before turning to Carole, “Kurt had a bad night last night. You were already asleep when I got here and I didn’t want to wake you.”

“You know you’re always welcome here, sweetie. I’m incredibly thankful for all that you’ve done for Kurt,” Carole said with a smile. There was an awkward pause before Carole spoke again. “You didn’t have to cook breakfast, honey.”

“I know, but I wanted to,” Blaine said as he moved the last pancake onto a plate.

“It’s very sweet of you. Thank you,” Carole said, giving him a quick hug.

They sat down to eat breakfast, chatting about school and glee club. Burt and Finn joined them before long. After they were done, Blaine put his and Kurt’s plates in the dishwasher. Carole insisted on cleaning up as Blaine had cooked so he followed Kurt upstairs to get ready for school. Kurt disappeared into the bathroom. When he came back into the room, Blaine pressed a quick kiss to his cheek before slipping past him into the bathroom. Kurt was standing in front of his closet when Blaine reentered the room. Blaine opened a drawer in Kurt’s dresser, pulling out the clothes he kept there for occasions such as this. Kurt pulled a white dress shirt out of his closet, laying it out on his bed. He pulled his pajama top over his head, turning to Blaine as he began to button up his shirt.

“I can’t perform _Phantom_ for my audition. It’s too safe. I think I’m going to sing ‘Not the Boy Next Door.’”

“What?” Blaine exclaimed, spinning around to face his boyfriend. “You’ve been practicing ‘Music of the Night’ for months!”

“I know, but I need something unexpected for this audition,” Kurt said as he moved to his vanity to style his hair.

Blaine sighed. He knew there was no talking Kurt out of something once his mind was made up. “You’re going to astound the judge, no matter what you sing.”

“You really think so?” Kurt asked.

“I know it,” Blaine said. He pressed a kiss to Kurt’s lips, knowing his words were true.

**K/B**

After first period, Rachel cornered Kurt at his locker. The girl wasted no time getting to the point, exclaiming, “This is insanity!”

“Wait, why are you talking to me?” Kurt asked. “I thought you were saving your voice for your audition?”

“I vowed not to speak to you unless Wiliam and Kate got pregnant, Liza passed away or one of us was in grave danger,” Rachel reminded him.

“Tell me Liza’s okay,” Kurt said fearfully.

“I just talked to Blaine. He told me about ‘Not the Boy Next Door.’ You cannot sing that for your NYADA audition!” Rachel spoke quickly.

“I need to be excited about this and this is the first time I have been during this entire process,” Kurt said passionately.

“It’s controversial, Kurt! You can’t repeat those gold pants!” Rachel argued.

“That song won Hugh Jackman a Tony,” Kurt reminded her. “NYADA is a Broadway school.”

“You haven’t rehearsed it enough. I’m singing ‘Don’t Rain on My Parade’ because I’ve been singing it since I was two-years-old! This is the biggest moment of our lives, Kurt. We can’t be taking risks,” Rachel said overzealously, her hands flying through the air as she spoke.

“Isn’t this the exact moment to be taking risks?” Kurt countered.

“Kurt, I have to be honest with you,” Rachel paused. “I think this is self-sabotage. You’re afraid you’re not going to get in so you’re looking for something to blame in case it doesn’t work out.”

Kurt thought for a minute, shutting his locker. He turned to Rachel and asked, “Do you really think I’m doing that?”

“I believe you don’t think you’re good enough, but you are, Kurt! ‘Music of the Night’ is your ‘Don’t Rain on My Parade.’”

“I’m torn. I’ve been practicing _Phantom_ for three months.”

“I believe in you and I believe in that song, so much that I’ll be your Christine,” Rachel offered with a smile.

“You will?” Kurt asked stunned.

“I will,” Rachel confirmed.

“Okay, I’ll do it!”

“NYADA’s not going to know what hit them!” Rachel exclaimed, hugging Kurt tightly.

Kurt watched her walk down the hall, unsure if he was doing the right thing. While Rachel would make the perfect Christine, he wasn’t certain he was right for Erik. But he _had_ been rehearsing for months. He had to play it safe.

**K/B**

The next day passed entirely too quickly for Kurt. Before he knew it, he was standing in the wings of the auditorium, waiting for the judge to arrive. He was pacing nervously when Rachel joined him, dressed and ready to portray Christine Daaé.

“Kurt, you know they say knowledge is power,” Rachel began hesitantly. “Well I got some last minute intel on our NYADA judge. I don’t want to make you more nervous than you already are, but it’s Carmen Tibideaux.”

“What?” Kurt asked in horror as the woman in question entered the auditorium. He watched as Will hurried behind her, carrying her bag. “She’s one of NYADA’s most successful alumni!”

“Kurt Hummel,” Tibideaux called out.

“You’re going to be amazing,” Rachel said reassuringly. “I believe in you and no one can sing this song better than you can!”

“Even Michael Crawford?” Kurt asked.

“Go get it,” Rachel ignored him, pushing him onto the stage.

Kurt cringed when his voice came out more high-pitched than normal as he introduced himself and announced which song he would be performing. He could tell Tibideaux was less than enthusiastic about the song choice. He made a split second decision, calling Tina, Brittany and Mercedes on stage. He launched into ‘Not the Boy Next Door,’ giving the best performance of his life.

The performance was over in what seemed like seconds. The entire thing was a blur to Kurt. He stood nervously in center stage, waiting for Tibideaux to pass judgment.

“You know Hugh Jackman won a Tony for his portrayal of Peter Allen? Hugh trained with me over the summer I was at the Sydney Opera House,” Tibideaux paused. “I am certain he would be just as impressed with what you did with that song as I am. A bold choice, young man, I congratulate you on taking such a risk.”

“Thank you!” Kurt said breathlessly. “Thank you!”

He hurried off stage, joining Blaine, Finn, and Will as Rachel was called out onto the stage. Blaine kissed his cheek quickly.

“You were phenomenal,” he whispered.

“Thank you.” Kurt beamed, turning his attention to Rachel.

They listened in horror as the unthinkable happened. Rachel fell apart. She started over, only to have it happen again. She pleaded for another chance but Tibideaux spoke resolutely, “This audition is over.”

Tibideaux stalked out of the auditorium without another word. Rachel dissolved into tears as her legs gave out. The four men hurried to her side. Rachel pushed Finn away when he tried to embrace her.

“Please, I want to be alone,” Rachel said before she ran out of the room.

**K/B**

Kurt was unable to talk to Rachel until the next morning when he found her at her locker. Her phone had been turned off when he had called her the previous night. He strode up to her, hoping she wouldn’t push him away.

“Carmen Tibideaux is a total bitch. She should have let you start over,” Kurt said passionately.

“She did,” Rachel said sadly.

“I mean again. You nailed the beginning of that song. I wouldn’t be surprised if you got in on that alone,” Kurt told her.

“Kurt, we both know what happened. I had my chance and I choked. I choked on a song I’ve been singing my entire life. You were amazing though,” she added. “You were. You went with your gut and you were better than you’ve ever been. You, Finn, and Blaine are going to be great in New York together.”

“You’re coming too,” Kurt said. “Of course you’re coming too.”

“Can we please not talk about this anymore?” Rachel pleaded.

Kurt sighed, pulling her into a hug. He kissed her cheek before saying, “I love you, Rachel Berry.”

“I love you too,” Rachel said as she pulled back. She closed her locker before walking away. Kurt watched her go, wishing he knew a way to fix everything.

**K/B**

Kurt’s OSU audition was after school in the auditorium. Blaine went with him, hugging him tightly backstage.

“You’re going to be amazing,” Blaine assured him. “You blew Carmen Tibideaux away. This will be a cakewalk.”

Kurt’s name was called and he walked out onto the stage. Blaine hurried down to sit on the front row. Kurt drew in a deep breath.

“I’m Kurt Hummel and I will be singing ‘You Raise Me Up’ by Josh Groban,” Kurt looked at Blaine as he spoke.

Blaine sucked in a quick breath. Kurt had kept his OSU audition song a secret, saying he wanted it to be a surprise. Kurt smiled at Blaine as the music began to play.

_When I am down and, oh my soul, so weary;_

_When troubles come and my heart burdened be;_

_Then I am still and wait here in the silence,_

_Until you come and sit awhile with me._

Blaine was everything to Kurt; his rock, his love, his soul mate. Kurt owed Blaine so much, and this song was for him. Every time Kurt felt too exhausted to go on, when he just wanted to give up, Blaine was there. He would support Kurt no matter what, helping him find his feet again.

_You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains;_

_You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas;_

_I am strong, when I am on your shoulders;_

_You raise me up to more than I can be._

With Blaine by his side, Kurt felt invincible. As long as Blaine was by his side, Kurt could do anything. He could climb the highest mountain. He could face the toughest storm. As long as he had Blaine, Kurt would be all right.

_You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains;_

_You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas;_

_I am strong, when I am on your shoulders;_

_You raise me up to more than I can be._

All too often Kurt felt weak. But Blaine made him strong.  Blaine believed in him no matter what, even when Kurt didn’t believe in himself. Blaine never gave up on him and didn’t let Kurt give up on himself. Kurt fought back his tears as the New Directions filed out behind him, dressed in deep blue robes with gold trim. He continued to sing as his friends’ voices rose up to join his.

_You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains;_

_(Up! Stand on mountains!)_

_You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas;_

_(Stormy seas!)_

_I am strong, when I am on your shoulders;_

_(I am strong! Ooh!)_

_You raise me up to more than I can be._

Tears were streaming down Blaine’s face as he listened to Kurt sing. His eyes were glued to Kurt. When Kurt had kept his song choice from him, Blaine had never expected this.

_You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains;_

_(Up! Stand on mountains!)_

_You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas;_

_(Stormy seas!)_

_I am strong, when I am on your shoulders;_

_You raise me up to more than I can be._

_You raise me up to more than I can be._

Kurt wiped the tears from his eyes, smiling lovingly at Blaine. He knew, no matter what happened; if he got into NYADA or OSU, they would be okay. They had each other, and they always would.

**K/B**

“You were amazing,” Blaine repeated for the thousandth time once they were in his room.

Blaine hadn’t been able to focus as the judge spoke to Kurt. All he could think about was his lover singing this incredible song to him. As soon as the judge left, Blaine kissed Kurt passionately. He suggested they go to his house as his parents were out of town; Kurt readily agreed.

“I’m glad you liked it,” Kurt said softly.

“I loved it,” Blaine said before kissing Kurt with all the love he felt in his heart.

They divested each other of their clothing, falling onto Blaine’s bed in a tangle of limbs. They lost all other thoughts as they focused on loving each other and being loved in return. The room was filled with pleasurable sighs and moans. They cried out each other’s names, breathing heavily as they came back down to earth.

“I love you,” Blaine spoke, lifting his head from Kurt’s chest. He trailed kisses up Kurt’s neck and across his jaw to his lips. He kissed him slowly, gently, lovingly. When he pulled away, he ran a hand through Kurt’s hair, bringing it down to rest on his cheek. Blaine gazed deep into his lover’s eyes, smiling as he said, “I’m going to marry you one day.”

“I know,” Kurt said simply.

Blaine smiled, kissing him again.

“I love you,” Blaine repeated after he finally pulled himself away.

“I love you too.”

“Forever?”

“Always.”


	35. Chapter 34:  Prom-asaurus

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Thank you to everyone who reviewed, favorited, or alerted this story! I’m still looking for ideas for the sequel so if you have any suggestions please let me know!
> 
> Warnings for this chapter: sexual situations
> 
> Spoilers for: 3x19 – Prom-asaurus
> 
> Disclaimer: If I owned Glee, Blaine would not be a year younger than Kurt. . . . “Big Girls Don’t Cry” belongs to Fergie. “I Turn to You” belongs to All-4-One.

Chapter Thirty-Four:  Prom-asaurus

Kurt Hummel was not looking forward to prom. After the disastrous dance the year before, he would willingly forgo any and all prom festivities. But at the same time, it _was_ his senior prom. He would never get another one. What if he didn’t go and came to regret it years down the road?

He kept his feelings to himself as Will announced with excitement that Figgins had asked the New Directions to perform at prom once more. Will sank down into one of the chairs on the front row, letting Brittany take center stage.

“Hello, my fellow Americans,” Brittany said with a cheerful smile. “The theme for this year’s prom will be . . . _dinosaurs!”_

"Sheer genius,” Santana said enthusiastically.

As Brittany continued to talk, Kurt turned to Blaine and mouthed in disbelief, ‘Dinosaurs?’ As if there hadn’t already been reason enough to not attend prom.  Blaine merely shrugged. He knew Kurt was not looking forward to prom, and he wasn’t either. Kurt was Blaine’s sole concern, and after what had happened the year before, Blaine would be happy to keep as far away from the school that night as possible. He would do anything and everything in his power to protect Kurt, no matter what. But Kurt hadn’t said they weren’t going to attend either, and if it came down to it and Kurt wanted to go, Blaine wouldn’t protest. All he wanted was for Kurt to be happy, and of course, safe. Kurt tore his eyes away from Blaine, turning his attention back to Brittany.

“To keep the prom elections completely honest, I have elected Santana and Quinn to count the ballots,” Brittany announced, adjusting her grip on her binder.

“What? That makes absolutely _no_ sense,” Kurt said in disbelief.

“Shut it, Richard Simmons,” Santana snapped at him over her shoulder. “Just because Quinn’s my home girl doesn’t mean I trust her. And you _know_ she doesn’t trust me.”

"We’ll keep each other honest,” Quinn agreed with a nod.

“It’s actually not a bad idea,” Mercedes complimented Brittany.

Kurt bit his lip to stop from disagreeing with his best friend. Blaine reached out to take his hand, knowing exactly what Kurt was thinking. Kurt offered him a loving smile, which Blaine returned before they tore their eyes away from each other.

“And last but not least, all hair gel has been banned from the prom,” Brittany announced with utmost seriousness.

Blaine laughed, certain this was Brittany’s attempt at humor. Kurt’s eyes widened and Rachel glanced at Blaine from over her shoulder. Blaine ignored this as Brittany’s eyes sought him out of the group.

“I’m not joking, Blaine. Hair gel was not invented until almost thirty million years after the Upper Paleolithic Stone Age. And frankly, I don’t like the way you look. Therefore, anyone who shows up at prom wearing hair gel will be turned away at the door. I hereby decree this to be the best prom _ever_!”

“Okay,” Will said slowly. “Let’s start thinking of dinosaur songs.”

Blaine attempted to raise his hand to catch Brittany’s attention but everyone was already collecting their things and on their way out the door. Kurt slipped his messenger bag over his shoulder. Blaine stood up, grabbing his own bag before he followed Kurt out of the room.

“I can’t believe she banned hair gel,” Blaine said as they walked down the hall towards the parking lot.

“I’ve seen you without hair gel plenty of times, and you know I’d vote for Brittany to ban it permanently,” Kurt said with a flirtatious smile as Blaine held the door open for him.

Blaine laughed, following Kurt outside. “Yes, but at prom there will be hundreds of balloons which equals a massive amount of static electricity. Believe me, you don’t want to see that.”

Kurt stepped in front of Blaine, taking Blaine’s other hand in his so he held them both. He looked deep into his eyes, willing Blaine to see how much he loved him. How much he _felt_ for him.

“Blaine Devon Anderson, there will _never_ be a time when I don’t want to see each and every part of you. You’ve seen me at my worst, down at the darkest depths of depression, and you stayed by my side through all the trials and tribulations. For that alone, you will always be _the_ _most_ beautiful person in _all of existence_ to me. So don’t worry about a little less hair gel and a little more static electricity. None of that matters to me. _Nothing_ could ever compromise your beauty.”

Blaine’s heart melted. He pulled Kurt into his arms, holding him tightly to his chest. They stood that way for a while, until they remembered they were still in the student parking lot at McKinley. Reluctantly, Blaine pulled himself away from his lover. He raised one hand to cup Kurt’s cheek.

“I love you,” he said with all the passion he had in his heart.

“I love you too,” Kurt answered, leaning his head into Blaine’s palm.

 _“Forever,”_ Blaine promised.

 _“Always,”_ Kurt vowed.

**K/B**

Kurt was worried about Rachel. Devastated by her NYADA audition, she hadn’t been herself ever since that horrible day. In fact, the school day was half through and Kurt had yet to see Rachel. He knew she was at school because Finn had said she was being unusually quiet. During lunch, Kurt and Blaine split up to search the campus for her. As he walked towards the auditorium, Kurt heard Rachel’s voice drift out through the open door.

_The smell of your skin lingers on me now._

_You're probably on your flight back to your home town._

_I need some shelter of my own protection, baby._

_To be with myself and center, clarity;_

_Peace, Serenity._

Kurt listened to Rachel sing the first verse, knowing the girl’s heart was breaking. Broadway was her dream, and with eight measures of ‘Don’t Rain on My Parade’ that dream was shot down. Kurt wished she would realize this wasn’t the end. Rachel Berry _would_ get on Broadway. Rachel Berry _belonged_ on Broadway.

Kurt began to sing the chorus as he entered the auditorium. Rachel watched him with a sad smile, cocking her head when he climbed up onto the stage. Kurt grabbed a stool from the edge of the stage and carried it over to sit beside Rachel.

_I hope you know, I hope you know_

_That this has nothing to do with you._

_It's personal, myself and I._

_We've got some straightenin' out to do._

As Kurt dropped out, Rachel began to sing. She was surprised when Blaine’s voice came from one of the wings, harmonizing with her own voice. Blaine walked out onto the stage, carrying a chair that was slung over one shoulder. Kurt smiled when he saw his beloved, raising his voice to join Blaine’s as they harmonized with Rachel on the last line.

_And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket;_

_But I've got to get a move on with my life._

_It's time to be a big girl now._

_And big girls don't cry._

Blaine and Kurt dropped out. As Kurt listened to Rachel sing, he could tell she was scared. That was normal for any high school senior. Kurt was scared himself. He was scared he wouldn’t get into NYADA and would be separated from Blaine if he went to OSU. But Kurt was also scared about the notion of living in New York if he was accepted to NYADA. Change was scary. And while Kurt’s future could take a right or left, Rachel’s seemed direction was as yet unknown.

_But it's time for me to go home._

_It's getting late, dark outside._

_I need to be with myself and center, clarity;_

_Peace, Serenity._

Kurt smiled at Rachel as he picked up the first part of the chorus. Ever since Kurt’s self-harm became known to the New Directions, Rachel had been there for him. She had held him while he cried and soothed his anxieties. Now Kurt wished he could do the same for her, but he didn’t know how when Rachel wouldn’t let him.

_I hope you know, I hope you know_

_That this has nothing to do with you._

_It's personal, myself and I._

_We've got some straightenin' out to do._

As Rachel and Blaine took over the second part of the chorus, Kurt decided he would not let Rachel give up on her dream. She was the most talented girl Kurt had ever known, and he was not going to let that talent go to waste. Kurt would force her to go with him and Blaine to New York if he had to. But one way or another, Rachel was going. Kurt made that promise to himself as he sang the last line with Blaine and Rachel.

_And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket;_

_But I've got to get a move on with my life._

_It's time to be a big girl now._

_And big girls don't cry._

“Are you rehearsing for prom?” Blaine asked, breaking the silence that had fallen over them with the song’s end. “I love that song but it doesn’t exactly scream ‘prom.’ It’s kind of depressing.”

“It’s just how I’m feeling right now, okay?” Rachel said as she pushed herself up off her stool. “I don’t want to watch Finn and Quinn get crowned king and queen at my prom. I don’t want to watch him dance with her, even if she can’t really dance anymore. I’m sorry; you know what I mean.”

“She’s right,” Kurt said, turning to look at Blaine. “Prom sucks. I don’t want to go either.”

“Figgins will expect you to be there. You’re the reigning prom queen, you’re supposed to crown the next one,” Blaine reminded him.

“As much as I love a good coronation, I can’t risk it. With this school’s wrong and insane tradition of write-in ballots, I could get elected _again_. It was humiliating, and had I known I would have worn a full kilt,” Kurt joked. He drew in a deep breath before he admitted, “I barely made it through that last time; I _can’t_ go through that again.”

“I know, love. And if you don’t want to go, no one can make you. No one _will_ make you. I won’t let them. Besides, I don’t want to go either with Brittany’s insane ban on hair gel. It’s prom! There will be balloons all over the place and with the taffeta and silk blends the sheer amount of static electricity in that room will be terrifying!”

“So crazy,” Kurt said endearingly.

“You’ve seen my hair without gel!” Blaine said defensively. “It’s baby fine! I’d look like _Medusa!_ It’s not funny and I don’t want to go.”

“Well, if we’re all going to be miserable, who says we have to go?” Kurt asked, repeating Blaine’s idea.

“You’re both right,” Rachel said with a smile. “But I have a better idea, an antiprom!”

Kurt and Blaine jumped at the idea. They spent the rest of the lunch period hammering out the details. They immediately set their plan into motion, getting as much done as possible before school was over and it was time for glee practice. They were the last ones to enter the choir room. Rachel stood in the center of the room to make the announcement. Blaine and Kurt stood to the side of the drum set, behind which Finn was seated.

“Kurt, Blaine, and I are hosting an antiprom party,” Rachel said once Will had quieted the group down.

“What’s an antiprom party?” Mercedes asked, furrowing her eyebrows.

“It’s a party for those of us who feel disenfranchised by the actual prom,” Rachel explained as Brittany entered the room with a rolled up poster. “I got us a hotel room at the Red Rooster Express Suite and everyone is invited!”

“You’re supporting this?” Quinn asked Finn in disbelief.

“I’m supporting Rachel,” Finn said as he stepped out from behind the drum set, coming to stand beside Kurt. “I will be at the prom long enough to fulfill my obligations.”

“The mood will be celebratory and the food will be catered! The dress code will be creative black tie,” Kurt said with excitement.

“Optional,” Rachel added quickly. “Black tie is optional! Again, everyone is welcome and unlike the actual prom which ends at eleven, ours goes until the wee hours of the night! It’s where the fun’s at you guys!”

“Okay, how is everyone invited when this is clearly a party for you and the Winklevi twins?” Santana asked snidely.

“Actually, Santana, we’ve invited most of McKinley’s underclassmen,” Rachel corrected her.

“I’m in,” Puck said suddenly, surprising everyone.

“What about your tradition of trying to spike Coach Sylvester’s punch?” Artie asked as Puck climbed down the risers to stand next to Rachel. “I almost lost my teeth for that last year.”

“It’s not possible,” Puck said with a shrug. “Plus it’s a bummer failing . . . at everything.”

“Just admit what this is really about,” Santana demanded. “Rachel Berry isn’t getting her way so she’s punishing the rest of us.”

“That’s not it at all, Santana.”

“Stop pretending you’re okay and _deal_ with your problems! You can’t run from them! You choked at your audition; I get it. I’m sorry. But it happens. I understand you’re mad at the universe but imploding on one of the last nights we have to spend together because you’re not in the mood to dance is one of the pettiest things you have ever done. So have fun at your ‘I’m a victim party’ acting like you’re not some selfish, self-centered, lame ass, wannabe diva from Hell because I’m going to my senior prom with my girlfriend and my friends.”

“This wasn’t just Rachel’s idea!” Kurt exclaimed before Santana could stride out of the room. “Have you forgotten what happened to me at last year’s prom? Did you honestly think I would _want_ to attend another one? Yes, Rachel has been down lately but that doesn’t mean this antiprom is _just_ about her.”

Santana scoffed at him, shaking her head before she continued out of the room. Rachel turned to Kurt with a sad smile.

“Thanks for sticking up for me.”

“I’ll always fight for you,” Kurt said simply, pulling the girl in for a hug. And he meant it. He would fight until Rachel got to New York, and after.

**K/B**

Rachel opened the door to the hotel room. Kurt, Blaine, Puck, and Becky followed her into the room. Rachel cut the light on. Kurt looked around the room, smiling brightly. This was so much better than whatever he would have been forced to endure at the actual prom.

“Alright, let the very first annual McKinley High antiprom begin!” Rachel said with excitement.

Everyone dispersed throughout the room, taking in their surroundings. Kurt sat on the edge of the bed. Puck walked towards him, still carrying his box full of beer.

“So what should we do now?” he asked.

“Duh, play strip poker!” Becky answered.

"Becky, Blaine and I are gay, remember?” Kurt said patiently.

“Never stopped me before,” Becky replied.

“Well, no matter what this will be better than prom,” Rachel said, standing awkwardly beside the table.

“Yeah, who wants to be in that smelly old gym anyway?” Kurt asked, bouncing on the bed.

“We could put on a fashion show!” Rachel suggested, looking at Kurt. She knew he would most likely be the only one to agree with her but it was worth a shot.

“Yeah! We can go all _Sound of Music_ and make some old-timey couture out of the drapes and sheets!” Kurt hurried to the window, pulling out the curtains for examination.

Becky and Puck quickly shot the idea down. Blaine didn’t voice his opinion. Truthfully, he agreed with Puck but he didn’t want to disagree with Kurt when he was trying so hard to make this night a good one.

“Well, I can show you my prom dress. I’d hate for it to go to a complete waste,” Rachel said.

Blaine settled down against the headboard. Kurt crawled up the bed to sit beside him. Blaine switched on the TV, finding an old repeat of _Tabitha_.

“I wish Tabitha would take over this antiprom,” Kurt said dismally. “God this sucks.”

“Yeah, well. . . .”

“If you had wanted to go to the prom I would have gone with you,” Kurt told him.

“I am not going to give into Brittany’s insane ban on hair gel,” Blaine replied. “Freedom to use hair care products is in the Bill of Rights.”

“Didn’t the founding fathers all wear wigs?” Kurt asked slowly.

“You haven’t seen me without hair gel when there’s a massive amount of static electricity or humidity,” Blaine reminded him. “It’s _really_ bad.”

“You’re always beautiful to me,” Kurt said with a loving smile.

Blaine grinned. He looked to make sure Becky and Puck were turned away before leaning over to kiss Kurt quickly. He pulled back, reaching for Kurt’s hand.

“You know, on second thought this antiprom seems pretty perfect to me. I’m with you.”

Kurt smiled, leaning his head on Blaine’s shoulder. Just then, a knock sounded at the door. Becky hurried to answer it, expecting room service. Instead the door swung open to reveal Finn.

“Hey, Becky,” Finn greeted her. He walked into the room, noticing Rachel was missing. “Where’s Rachel?”

“She’s been in the bathroom for forty-five minutes,” Becky told him.

“All right, let the antiprom fashion extravaganza begin,” Rachel said from inside the bathroom. She opened the door, stopping when she saw Finn. Finn was sure he stopped breathing. Rachel was stunning in a light pink, floor-length dress that fit her perfectly.

“Hi,” Finn said finally.

“W-what’re you doing here?” Rachel stammered.

“I’ll keep it simple. I love you. You’re beautiful. Prom sucks without you. Prom sucks without all of you,” Finn turned to face everyone. “This is the last time we’ll be together like this. I want to dance with my fiancé; I want to dance with my friends.”

Kurt was the first one to move. He started towards the door, knowing Blaine was right behind him. Rachel tried to persuade Becky and Puck to join them but they opted to stay at the hotel. Blaine had been hoping to avoid Brittany the entire night, but unfortunately she greeted them the second they entered the gymnasium.

Rachel pulled Finn onto the dance floor as Joe, Rory, Sam, Artie, and Mike began to sing ‘What Makes You Beautiful.’ Brittany stopped Kurt and Blaine before they could escape.

“No, I’m sorry, Blaine. I said no hair gel, remember? I can totally smell it,” Brittany said.

Blaine raised an eyebrow but before he could ask any questions, Santana was pulling Brittany away from them to dance. Kurt put his hand on Blaine’s shoulder and squeezed it gently.

“You can do this,” Kurt said encouragingly.

Blaine took a deep breath before exiting the gym, heading towards the bathroom. He ducked his head under the sink, working his fingers through his hair until all of the gel was washed out. He moved to the hand dryer, flipping the vent upwards so he could dry his hair. When he was finished, Blaine looked at himself in the mirror. He cringed when he caught sight of himself but knew there was nothing he could do.

“Here goes nothing,” he said with a sigh. Blaine pushed open the bathroom door, walking slowly back to the gym.

Blaine tried to ignore the horrified looks he got as he walked towards Kurt. When he finally reached Kurt, Kurt had a similar look on his face.

“Oh my dear god,” Kurt gasped, bringing a hand up to his mouth.

“Don’t make fun of the new kid with the bad fro; it’s hair bullying,” Brittany reprimanded Kurt.

“That’s not a new kid, that’s Blaine without hair gel,” Kurt told her.

“Is it really that bad?” Blaine asked, already knowing the answer.

“Yeah, you’re Mr. Broccoli Head,” Brittany answered.

“It’s not that bad,” Kurt argued.

“Yeah it is. It’s _really_ bad. You made your point. I abused my power as president. But, to help save the prom and keep people from turning to stone when they look at you, I’ll give you special permission to wear hair gel. Immediately.”

Blaine smiled. As Figgins called everyone to attention, Blaine took a step back to leave.

"I’ll be right back.”

“Don’t you dare,” Kurt said. He grabbed Blaine’s wrist, stopping him. “I love finally getting to see the real you. I want everyone here to know just how proud I am of my brave, handsome, bushy-haired boyfriend.” Blaine’s face softened. Kurt smiled before saying, “Come on, Borat!”

Kurt pulled Blaine into the crowd. Blaine ignored the looks he got. He had Kurt by his side, and that was all he needed.

“I would like to invite last year’s queen, sassy male student, Kurt Hummel, to crown this year’s winners,” Figgins said.

A lump formed in Kurt’s throat. Blaine squeezed his hand, giving Kurt the courage to walk onto the stage. Kurt ignored everyone as Figgins announced this year’s prom king. When Finn’s name was read, Kurt couldn’t stop himself from applauding. Finn stepped forwards in a state of shock. He bent down so Kurt could place the crown on his head. Figgins looked down at the notecard in his hand.

“Students, for the second year in a row we have prom anarchy,” Figgins said.

Panic seized Kurt. He couldn’t go through this again. Or worse, what if it was Blaine who had been elected prom queen? But the name read out was not Kurt or Blaine, but instead Rachel Berry. Kurt broke into a wide grin. Rachel was in shock. Blaine gently pushed her towards the stage. Rachel carefully climbed the stairs to the stage. Kurt placed the tiara on her head, whispering, “Smile and breathe.”

As Finn and Rachel moved to take their first dance as king and queen, Kurt returned to Blaine’s side. Blaine pulled him into his arms, holding him close. Kurt relaxed into Blaine’s embrace. He never felt safer than when he was in Blaine’s arms.

“I’m so proud of you,” Blaine whispered in his ear, causing goosebumps to break out across Kurt’s skin.

Kurt hugged him tighter. They spent the rest of the night dancing together or with their friends. Kurt was glad Finn had brought them to the prom. When the night came to an end, he bent down to whisper into Blaine’s ear.

“Let’s go to your house.”

Blaine’s parents were on yet another business trip, so they had the house to themselves. Blaine kissed Kurt passionately the second they entered the house. They somehow made it up the stairs without injury. Blaine kicked his door shut behind him when they stumbled into his bedroom. They made love slowly, drinking in the love that radiated through them. Later, Blaine lay with his head on Kurt’s chest, listening to his heart’s steady beat. Blaine lifted his head slightly to look into Kurt’s eyes.

“Sing to me,” he requested.

Kurt smiled, lifting the hand that wasn’t holding Blaine’s to run through his bushy hair. He pressed a kiss to Blaine’s hand before he began to sing.

_When I'm lost in the rain,_

_In your eyes I know I'll find the light_

_To light my way._

_When I'm scared,_

_Losing ground;_

_When my world is going crazy,_

_You can turn it all around._

_And when I'm down you're there,_

_Pushing me to the top._

_You're always there,_

_Giving me all you've got._

There were no words to express how much Kurt loved Blaine, how much he felt for him. But he showed it to him each time he kissed him, each time he held him in his arms, each time they made love. And Blaine felt that love and returned it just as passionately. They had only been together for a year, but to them it felt like a lifetime. They both knew they would be together for the rest of their lives.

_For a shield from the storm;_

_For a friend; for a love_

_To keep me safe and warm_

_I turn to you._

_For the strength to be strong;_

_For the will to carry on._

_For everything you do;_

_For everything that's true_

_I turn to you._

Blaine was Kurt’s everything. He gave him strength, courage, love, safety, warmth; everything Kurt needed Blaine provided. And Kurt did the same in return. They never took without giving back just as much as they received.

_When I lose the will to win,_

_I just reach for you and_

_I can reach the sky again._

_I can do anything_

_'Cause your love is so amazing,_

_'Cause your love inspires me._

_And when I need a friend,_

_You're always on my side,_

_Giving me faith,_

_Taking me through the night._

Blaine looked forward to spending the rest of his life with Kurt. Whether Kurt stayed in Ohio or joined him in New York, he knew they would be together. They would make it. Blaine could see their future as clear as he could see yesterday.

_For a shield from the storm;_

_For a friend; for a love_

_To keep me safe and warm_

_I turn to you._

_For the strength to be strong;_

_For the will to carry on._

_For everything you do_

_I turn to you._

_For the arms to be my shelter_

_Through all the rain._

_For truth that will never change;_

_For someone to lean on;_

_For a heart I can rely on through anything;_

_For that one who I can run to. . . ._

Many people were uncertain of their future, but not Kurt. He knew wherever he was, Blaine would be there also. If not physically, he would remain forever in his heart. They would get married. They would have children. They would build a life together.

_For a shield from the storm;_

_For a friend; for a love_

_To keep me safe and warm_

_I turn to you._

_For the strength to be strong;_

_For the will to carry on;_

_For everything you do;_

_For everything that's true_

_For everything you do;_

_For everything that’s true_

_I turn to you._

“I love you so much,” Blaine said when Kurt finished singing.

“I love you too,” Kurt answered with a soft smile.

“Forever.”

“Always.”


	36. Chapter 35:  Props

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Thank you to everyone who reviewed, favorited, or alerted this story! I’m sorry I didn’t update last week. School got really crazy and I scarcely had time to breath, but I think its calming back down again (for now). In other news, the last chapter of Perfect has been written and part of the epilogue is completed. I’m still looking for ideas for the sequel, so if you guys have any, please let me know!
> 
> Warnings for this chapter: sexual situations
> 
> Spoilers for: 3x20 – Props
> 
> Disclaimer: I do not own Glee. “This Song Saved My Life” belongs to Simple Plan. “Alice” belongs to Avril Lavigne.

Chapter Thirty-Five:  Props

The morning after prom, Kurt and Blaine went to Kurt’s house to spend time with the Hudmels. Blaine was spending the weekend there as his parents were out of town. Saturday night found Kurt and Blaine snuggling in bed while watching _Anastasia_. Kurt lay with his head on Blaine’s shoulder as he began to drift off to sleep, listening to Blaine softly sing along to each song. When the movie was over, Blaine grabbed the remote control and turned off the DVD player and the TV. He wrapped his arms around Kurt before letting himself succumb to sleep.

In the early hours of the morning, Blaine was awoken by Kurt thrashing about in his sleep. He sat up in bed, cupping Kurt’s cheek with his hand.

“Kurt, wake up. You’re okay. You’re safe,” Blaine said.

Kurt awoke with a gasp. Tears were streaming down his cheeks. Blaine pulled him into his arms, not surprised when Kurt scrambled into his lap. Blaine rocked him back and forth as he began to sing the song he had written for Kurt almost a year ago. Kurt slowly relaxed as he listened to Blaine sing “Not Alone.” When the song ended, Kurt lifted his head to look into Blaine’s hazel eyes.

"Thank you,” he whispered.

“Don’t thank me, baby. Get some sleep. I love you.” Blaine pressed a kiss to Kurt’s lips.

“I love you too,” Kurt said as he moved off of Blaine’s lap. Blaine lay down and Kurt rolled onto his side, smiling when Blaine spooned up behind him. As he listened to Blaine’s breathing slowly even out as he succumbed to sleep, Kurt reminisced about the day Blaine had first sung that song. An idea formulated in his head as he drifted off to sleep.

**K/B**

Blaine returned home late on Sunday night. Monday morning, Kurt picked him up before stopping at the Lima Bean on their way to school. They were standing at Kurt’s locker when Mercedes found them.

“Sue wants to see us,” Mercedes said with foreboding.

“Why?” Kurt asked, closing his locker as he turned to face her.

“I don’t know. Whatever it is, it can’t be good.”

Kurt nodded in agreement.

“Do you want me to come with you?” Blaine asked.

“No thanks honey. I’ll fill you in during class,” Kurt said with a smile. He gave Blaine’s hand a quick squeeze before disappearing down the hall with Mercedes. No sooner had the two sat down across from Sue when Mercedes’s words rang true.

“Porcelain, Wheezy, you created a monster,” Sue began. “They’re calling Jesse St. James a visionary and applauding Vocal Adrenaline for their long-going commitment to adversity.”

“But Jesse St. James was against Unique performing as her true self,” Mercedes said in confusion.

“Yeah, we were the ones who convinced her to do that,” Kurt filled in.

“Then you only have yourselves to blame,” Sue paused, “and the liberal media.”

“It was your idea,” Mercedes reminded the cheerleading coach.

“I have no recollection of that. In any case, Unique is now a show choir celebrity. He/she will trounce us at nationals and I will lose my Cheerios to Roz Washington. I will not let that happen. This leaves us with one choice. It’s time to fight fire with the flaming flames of additional flaming gay fire.”

Kurt rolled his eyes. As usual, the only thing Sue cared about was her Cheerios. He braced himself for whatever scheme Sue had planned next. Sue reached into her desk drawer and pulled out a gray flapper dress.

“Porcelain, you will wear this flapper dress and perform at nationals as Porcelina. You already have the voice but you’ll have to start smoking because this dress is a size two,” Sue said, standing up to display the dress properly.

“Okay, just because I’m gay does not mean I like to dress up like a woman,” Kurt said. “That is absolutely out of the question!”

"Then the New Directions will lose,” Sue said, tossing the dress to Kurt. “I hate to say it, kiddo, but if we want to beat Vocal Adrenaline at nationals, it’s tucking time.”

“Not going to happen,” Kurt said. He dropped the dress on Sue’s desk before striding out of the office.

Blaine was already seated at his desk when Kurt entered their English classroom. Kurt dropped his messenger bag to the floor, sliding into his desk. Blaine looked up from the paper he had been doodling on with a smile.

“Sue wants me to dress up as a woman and perform at nationals as Porcelina,” Kurt said dismally.

“What? That’s insane,” Blaine said in disbelief.

“That’s exactly what I told her. Though I don’t expect she’s going to let this go so soon,” Kurt said with a sigh.

“Just ignore her, love. We’re going to beat Vocal Adrenaline without any crossdressing.” Blaine reached across the aisle to squeeze Kurt’s hand quickly.

“I hope you’re right.”

Blaine had a different class from Kurt next, so after their first class, he headed off on his own. That gave Kurt the perfect opportunity to find Rachel at her locker.

“I have a song I want to perform today during glee club,” Kurt told her.

“Is it for Blaine?” Rachel asked knowingly.

“Yes, it’s for Blaine,” Kurt said, a blush rising to his cheeks.

“What song do you have in mind?”

Kurt told her, asking if she could talk to the rest of the club and see if they would help. He wanted to surprise Blaine and knew he wouldn’t have a chance to talk to everyone with Blaine around. Rachel agreed readily before leaving him with a smile. Kurt headed towards his next class, knowing glee club could not come soon enough.

**K/B**

The second Will walked into the room, Kurt raised his hand. Kurt didn’t even give him a chance to speak.

“Mr. Schue, I’ve been working on something for today. Is it okay if I start us off?” Kurt asked.

“Sure, Kurt. Go ahead,” Will nodded as he took a seat in the back row.

Kurt moved to the front of the room. He focused his attention on Blaine as he spoke, “Blaine, a year ago you wrote me a beautiful song. I can never tell you how much that song means to me. But I think this song says it all.”

Blaine inhaled sharply in surprise. He had not been expecting this at all. Kurt nodded at Brad to start playing.

_I want to start by letting you know this._

_Because of you my life has a purpose._

_You helped be who I am today._

_I see myself in every word you say._

_Sometimes it feels like nobody gets me;_

_Trapped in a world where everyone hates me._

_There's so much that I'm going through._

_I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for you._

There were no words for Kurt to ever express how much Kurt felt for Blaine. Before Blaine came into his life, Kurt had merely been existing, not truly living. But Blaine had changed that. Kurt knew he would not be the same person he was today if it were not for Blaine. Whenever he felt alienated by his peers, like no one understood him, Blaine was there to let Kurt know he was not alone. Before Blaine, Kurt hadn’t wanted to live. Kurt knew if it was not for him, he would not be standing there today.

_I was broken._

_I was choking._

_I was lost._

_This song saved my life._

_I was bleeding, stopped believing;_

_Could have died._

_This song saved my life._

_I was down._

_I was drowning._

_But it came on just in time._

_This song saved my life._

Kurt had been a broken shell of a human being when he met Blaine, beaten down by the bullies in his life. He hadn’t known just how lost he had been until that fateful day on the Dalton staircase. Blaine had saved his life in more ways than one. Because of Blaine, Kurt had found the courage to admit he had a problem. He found the courage to ask for help. Because of Blaine, Kurt was getting better. Blaine had come along just in time.

_Sometimes I feel like you've known me forever._

_You always know how to make me feel better._

_Because of you, my dad and me_

_Are so much closer than we used to be._

_You're my escape when I'm stuck in a small town._

_I turn you up whenever I feel down._

_You let me know like no one else_

_That it's ok to be myself._

It was hard for both boys to believe that they had only been together for a year. It felt like twice that time had passed. Blaine had changed Kurt’s life in so many ways. Now, Kurt was learning other ways to cope with his depression. Before Kurt’s depression had taken over his life, his relationship with his father had been amazing. But the depression had caused Kurt to distance himself from his dad. Now, they were closer than ever. Kurt was forever indebted to Blaine. He knew he would spend every day for the rest of his life showing Blaine how much he loved and cared for him. Kurt wished he could scream his love from the roof top, but he knew that was impossible in Lima. Kurt knew Blaine felt the same way, and he drew solace in the fact that they would soon be in New York, free to be themselves, two young men in love. Because of Blaine, Kurt had confidence he had lacked before. He wasn’t afraid to be himself.

_I was broken._

_I was choking._

_I was lost._

_This song saved my life._

_I was bleeding, stopped believing;_

_Could have died._

_This song saved my life._

_I was down._

_I was drowning._

_But it came on just in time._

_This song saved my life._

Everything would have turned out so differently if Kurt had never gone to Dalton that day. He would still be suicidal, or he would have acted on his suicide thoughts. Instead, Kurt found himself looking forward to the future he would spend with Blaine. Of course Kurt still struggled with his self-harm, but with each day that passed it was easier for Kurt to stay strong.

_You'll never know what it means to me._

_That I'm not alone;_

_That I'll never have to be._

All of that was because of Blaine. Kurt no longer felt alone in the world. He now knew he had never been alone in the past, and he would never be alone in the future. Blaine would always be by his side, offering him love and support, which Kurt would return in kind.

_I was broken._

_I was choking._

_I was lost._

With the next line, the New Directions joined in. Tears were streaming down Blaine’s face. He had yet to tear his eyes away from his boyfriend. Kurt was fighting back his own tears as he continued to sing.

_This song saved my life._

_I was bleeding, stopped believing;_

_Could have died._

_This song saved my life._

_I was down._

_I was drowning._

_But it came on just in time._

_This song saved my life._

_My life, my life._

_This song saved my life._

_My life, my life._

_This song saved my life._

_My life, my life._

_This song saved my life._

_My life, my life._

Kurt sang the last line alone. His tears finally escaped but Kurt ignored them. He kept his eyes focused on his lover.

_This song saved my life._

Blaine was on his feet the second the song ended. He pulled Kurt into his arms, crushing him against his chest.

“I don’t know what I would do without you,” Kurt choked out through his tears. Blaine pulled back, gazing into Kurt’s cerulean eyes.

“Don’t think about that,” Blaine told him. “Don’t you _ever_ think about that. I love you.”

“I love you too.”

Kurt pressed a kiss to Blaine’s cheek before pulling him back to his chair. Will complimented Kurt before he launched into the day’s agenda. The club was abuzz with excitement as Will announced they would be performing “Paradise by the Dashboard Light” at nationals. Rachel would have a solo performance with “It’s All Coming Back to Me Now.”

“And I will be working on a new Troubletones number, utilizing the talents of our featured performer, Porcelina Hummel,” Sue said, gesturing towards Kurt.

“Not gonna happen, dragon lady,” Kurt answered.

“Oh, you will do as you’re told he/she,” Sue replied.

Blaine refrained from speaking up to say he knew exactly how much of a man Kurt was.

Sue continued, “We will be performing “What a Feeling” from _Flashdance_. On that note please look under your seats.” Each member of the New Directions (excluding Artie) reached under their chairs, pulling out a cardboard box.

“Welding helmets and legwarmers?” Finn asked in confusion as he pulled the items in question out of the box.

“The best way to get props is to use props!” Sue announced with a snap of her fingers. “A healthy dose of props, and our plucky transsexual Porcelina and you are over the top.”

“Aren’t props a little cheesy?” Blaine asked with a glance at Kurt.

“Guys, I asked for Sue’s help because she’s a winner,” Will said as he stepped forward. “And I’m not ashamed to admit this:  I want to win. We have one last week to come together and shape things up. If there’s anyone here who is not up for trying, and working their butts off, you should just get up right now and leave.”

Everyone watched in shock and Tina pushed herself off of her chair.

“Tina, where are you going?” Finn asked in confusion.

“You guys don’t need me, carry on!” Tina exclaimed angrily.

“Tina, you don’t understand. I need this,” Rachel said as if speaking to a child.

“Because you blew your big audition? That’s no reason for you to get a solo at nationals! Maybe the rest of us would like one too! Other people matter!”

“Tina, just because you don’t always get all the solos doesn’t mean you’re not a key player! You’re in charge of costumes!” Will reminded her.

“Wow, like that’s some prize! You want props to move around? Well I’m a human prop and I’m sick of it!”

Without another word, Tina turned and stalked out of the room. Mike ran after her, leaving the rest of the club in a state of shock. Will dismissed the club, knowing there was no use to try to regain a sense of order.

“I can’t believe Tina walked out like that,” Blaine said as he started his car.

“I never expected it from Tina. Santana or Mercedes, yes. Hell, I’ve even considered it myself. But Tina’s always been so sweet,” Kurt said as he buckled his seatbelt.

“Everyone has their breaking point,” Blaine said as he shifted the car into gear.

“True. Like I said, I just never expected it from Tina. But she has a point. She’s gotten fewer solos than anyone in the past three years. I thought she didn’t mind. When she was a freshman she gave Rachel the solo for ‘Tonight.’”

“I hope she comes back. I don’t think she realizes how important she is to the group, and not just as a singer but as a friend.”

“It’s hard to feel important when you’re so often overlooked,” Kurt said. He sighed. “We’re never going to win nationals now.”

Blaine reached over the console to take Kurt’s hand in his. “Don’t worry, baby. Everything will be resolved. We’re going to nationals and we’re going to win.”

Kurt smiled, but didn’t answer. He wished he had Blaine’s optimism.

**K/B**

The next day, Sue was still badgering Kurt about Porcelina. By the end of the day he was so angry, Blaine had suggested a trip to the mall to help calm him down. They grabbed some frozen yogurt before relaxing into the one-dollar massage chairs the mall offered.

“I support you one hundred percent,” Blaine said. “Being gay doesn’t mean you’re a crossdresser.”

“Is that Tina?” Kurt asked suddenly.

Blaine turned to see Tina texting furiously while she rode an escalator down, bolts of fabric under both arms.

“Hey, Tina, what’re you doing here?” Blaine asked when the girl passed in front of them.

“I’m fulfilling my duties as costume coordinator while text fighting with Mike who says my outburst in glee was ‘unreasonable,’” Tina answered without a greeting.

“Well, we’re getting a pretzel later if you want to join us,” Kurt offered. He knew how it felt to be overlooked all too well.

“I can’t,” Tina said quickly. She turned around, walking off while she continued to text Mike. She wasn’t looking where she was going and before Kurt could stop her Tina had fallen headfirst into the mall fountain.

Kurt and Blaine were instantly on their feet, frozen yogurts forgotten as they ran to Tina’s side. Blaine helped her from the fountain, sitting her on the edge to make sure she wasn’t seriously injured.

“Tina, are you okay?” Kurt asked in concern.

“I’m fine. Thanks,” Tina said, pushing her hair out of her face.

“Did you have to take the bolt of fabric in with you?” Kurt asked jokingly. “That silk charmeuse is worth twenty-five bucks a yard.”

Tina laughed. Blaine offered to take Tina home, but she declined. The two boys walked her to her car, making sure she was well enough to drive. Kurt sighed as he watched her pull out of the parking lot.

“I’m worried about her.”

“We’ll text her later to make sure she’s okay,” Blaine said, wrapping an arm around Kurt’s shoulders.

“What if she has a concussion? We shouldn’t have let her drive herself,” Kurt said worriedly as Blaine steered him towards his car.

“Baby, please stop worrying. Tina is going to be fine. Why don’t we go home and watch _Project Runway_?” Blaine suggested.

“Fine,” Kurt relented with a sigh. He didn’t relax until he got a text from Tina, thanking him for his help and assuring him she was all right.

**K/B**

After a long day of school, a glee rehearsal with Sue directing was more than Kurt could take. When she finally told them to stop, he was relieved.

“Porcelain, thoughts?” Sue asked.

“I’m not doing a drag number,” Kurt answered instantly. “We need a new approach. I have an idea.”

Sue dismissed everyone except Kurt, who hung back to discuss his plan with Sue. He knew Will was not likely to approve of spying, but Sue wouldn’t argue. He was right. Kurt was going to spy on Vocal Adrenaline.

**K/B**

“Please ignore the stench of mildew and jockstrap and focus your attention on the screen,” Sue said as rehearsal convened in the locker room the next day. “Porcelina?”

Kurt stood, turning to face his peers. “Yesterday I snuck into a Vocal Adrenaline rehearsal and what I saw is not for the faint of heart. Lights.”

Kurt waited until Puck had cut the lights off before he started the projector. Footage of Vocal Adrenaline practicing appeared on the wall.

“Why is this in black and white?” Sam asked.

“Because I worship _The Artist_ ,” Kurt answered, holding up a hand to silence any further questions.

“Unique is the ultimate prop,” Sue concluded after the projector had been shut off.

“Do you seriously think we need a guy dressed in drag to win?” Puck asked.

Will answered “No” as Sue said “Yes!” The club was dismissed. Blaine followed Kurt to his locker. The halls were empty so Blaine grabbed Kurt’s hand, squeezing it slightly.

“Are you okay?” Blaine asked once they’d reached Kurt’s locker.

“I’m just anxious,” Kurt replied as he entered his locker combination. He pulled the door open, disposing of the textbooks he did not need for the night’s homework. “This is all starting to get to me. I want to cut, but I’m not going to give in.” Kurt shut his locker. He took Blaine by the hand and pulled him in the direction of the auditorium. “Come with me.”

Brad was in the auditorium as if he had known they would have need of him. The band members were also waiting with their instruments. As they reached center stage, the band began to play.

_Trippin' out_

_Spinnin' around_

_I'm underground, I fell down._

_Yeah, I fell down._

_I'm freakin' out._

_So where am I now?_

_Upside down_

_And I can't stop it now._

_It can't stop me now,_

_Ohhh._

Kurt moved across the stage as he sang, letting out all of his anxieties. Yes, he had given in before and cut when he felt this anxious, but this time he would not. He would not let his self-harm control him any longer. _He_ had _it_. It didn’t have _him_.

_I, I'll get by._

_I, I'll survive._

_When the world's crashin' down._

_When I fall and hit the ground._

_I will turn myself around._

_Don't you try to stop it!_

_I, I won't cry._

Even though it was difficult when he was this anxious, Kurt knew he could make it through unscathed. After all, he had been through much worse and survived. Compared to his past, this was nothing. Blaine began to dance with him, letting his voice echo after Kurt’s.

_I found myself (myself) in Wonderland._

_Get back on (back on) my feet (my feet) again._

_Is this real? (Is this real?)_

_Is it pretend? (Is it pretend?)_

_I'll take (I'll take) a stand (a stand) until (until) the end._

Blaine was proud of Kurt. He had come so far in the past few months. It had been three weeks since he had hurt himself, and each day Kurt was battling his anxiety and depression. Blaine knew Kurt was strong enough to make it. If anyone could, it was Kurt.

_I, I'll get by._

_I, I'll survive._

_When the world's crashin' down._

_When I fall and hit the ground._

_I will turn myself around._

_Don't you try to stop me!_

_I, I won't cry._

_I, I'll get by._

_I, I'll survive._

_When the world's crashin' down._

_When I fall and hit the ground._

_I will turn myself around._

_Don't you try to stop me!_

_I, and I won't cry!_

When the song ended, Blaine pulled Kurt into his arms. Neither noticed Brad or the band members discretely leave the auditorium.

“I know you’re worried about nationals, we all are. Just don’t let it get to you. Don’t let Sue get to you. She’s not used to having someone stand up to her, especially a student,” Blaine said.

“I just wish she would leave it alone. I’m not going to wear a dress. I’m a man, not a woman!”

“Oh, believe me, there is not a doubt in my mind about your masculinity,” Blaine said in a husky voice.

Kurt looked around, surprised to see they were alone in the auditorium. He wrapped his arms around Blaine’s neck, leaning forwards until their lips were millimeters apart.

“Do you now?” he asked.

Kurt’s breath tickled Blaine’s lips. Blaine groaned before surging forwards, crushing his mouth to Kurt’s. They kissed passionately. Kurt licked his way into Blaine’s mouth, moaning when their tongues brushed together. When they finally pulled away for air, their cheeks were flushed and their lips swollen.

“Let’s get out of here,” Blaine suggested. He took Kurt by the hand and led him from the school, determined to keep his mind off of nationals for the rest of the night.

**K/B**

Two days later, the New Directions were boarding the bus for nationals. Blaine hung his head out the window, ignoring Kurt when he said he would not help if he got stuck. Everyone cheered as Will climbed onto the bus.

“Let’s go to nationals!” he exclaimed.

Blaine removed his head from the window. He opened his arms to Kurt, who immediately moved into them. He sighed happily as he rest his head on Blaine’s shoulder. It had been a long, hard journey, but they were finally on the way to nationals.


	37. Chapter 36:  Nationals

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Thanks to everyone who reviewed, favorited, or alerted this story! We have one chapter left, and then the epilogue. I’m still looking for song suggestions and plot suggestions for the sequel. If there’s anything you’d like to see, let me know! I hope you enjoy this chapter! Not to brag, but I really do think it’s one of my favorites!
> 
> Warnings for this chapter: self-injury, minor sexual situations
> 
> Disclaimer: I do not own Glee. “Paradise” belongs to Coldplay.

Chapter Thirty-Six:  Nationals

They drove all morning, finally reaching Chicago around noon. Everyone gathered their things and filed off the bus. Will waited until the entire group was standing in front of him before he spoke.

“All right, guys. I’m going to give you an hour to get settled into your rooms and grab some lunch. Then we’ll meet downstairs to practice,” Will instructed. He gave both Rachel and Finn a cardkey. Like the year before in New York, the group had been separated into two hotel rooms by sex.

Everyone dropped their things off in the rooms before heading to their practice room where lunch had been set up. They ate quickly, all of them eager to practice. Now that they were in Chicago, everything felt more real. They had been practicing for several hours when Mercedes sprinted to the trash can and vomited violently. Will helped her out of the room, telling the others to continue their rehearsal.

Kurt hadn’t seen how the fight happened; he had been too distracted by Blaine’s dancing. So when Sam and Puck started throwing fists, Kurt was caught off guard. Blaine immediately pulled Kurt as far away from the pair as possible, not wanting him to get caught in the crossfire. The entire room was in an uproar when Will burst through the doors. Joe and Rory were attempting to pull Sam away from Puck, while Mike and Finn were holding Puck back. The girls were watching in horror from the corner of the room, except for Sugar Motta who was egging the boys on with her chant of “Fight! Fight! Fight!”

“What’s going on?” Will had to yell to be heard.

“He’s studying for his geography exam while we’re trying to rehearse!” Sam exclaimed.

Kurt’s phone vibrated in his pocket. As he pulled it out, he heard Puck retort, “Because I already know the choreography!”

“Mr. Schue, are you aware that while we’re arguing over jazz squares, Unique is being handed a key to the city?” Kurt asked.

“I think everyone’s just a little tired,” Artie said, wheeling himself into the middle of the group so he could be seen _and_ heard. “We’ve been rehearsing for three straight hours.”

“We’ll rehearse all night if we have to!” Finn spoke up. “We can rest after we’ve won!”

“Just because we’ve lost Mercedes doesn’t mean we can be anything less than perfect!” Rachel agreed.

Everyone began to speak at once. Kurt could see things were going to escalate quickly if someone didn’t stop it. He was glad when Santana stepped in.

“Hey! I don’t want to hear any of this ‘we can’t do it without her’ because guess what, we don’t have a choice! So be warned, if you are not giving this everything that you’ve got, I will go all Lima Heights on your asses!” Santana said threateningly.

“Listen to yourselves,” Will said when Santana walked back over to Brittany.

“I know I’m sorry. I always go to the yelling place,” Santana apologized though her voice was still laced with anger. “I have rage.”

“No,” Will disagreed. “It’s a good thing, a great thing. There is so much passion in this room. All of this arguing comes from passion. You guys really want this. Let’s take a half-hour break and then we’ll keep rehearsing.”

“No,” Blaine disagreed, shaking his head.

“Yeah, Mr. Schue. Is it okay if we keep going? We have the first slot which is the death slot. We have to be amazing,” Tina said, looking to Quinn for support.

“Yeah, I really need the practice for ‘Edge of Glory,’” Quinn agreed.

“Okay, then, Mike help the guys with the choreography. Artie, help Puck with his geography. Girls, run through ‘Edge of Glory,’” Will instructed. Everyone immediately set to work. Win or lose, they were giving their all.

They continued rehearsing, only stopping for bathroom breaks and dinnertime. After dinner, they ran through the entire set before they finally trooped off to their rooms. Kurt fell into the bed closest to the window, exhausted. Blaine stretched out beside him.

“Hey, who said you got one of the beds?” Puck demanded.

Kurt rolled his eyes, leaning up on his elbows to look Puck in the eye.

“Are any of you guys comfortable sharing a bed together?” No one answered. “That’s what I thought,” Kurt said, curling himself into Blaine’s side. Blaine immediately wrapped his arms around Kurt, holding him close.

“Okay, fine. But no funny business,” Puck said after a second.

“Puck, do you really think we’d have sex with all of you guys in the room?” Blaine asked incredulously.

“I don’t know. I don’t know your sex life,” Puck replied.

“That’s enough. I’m going to moisturize and then I’m going to sleep,” Kurt said, throwing his hands up in the air. He slipped out of Blaine’s arms, grabbing his bag of bathroom necessities as well as a pair of pajamas before he disappeared into the bathroom.

**K/B**

Blaine was the first to wake the next morning. He hadn’t slept peacefully. Kurt had tossed and turned all night. Blaine kept waiting for him to have a nightmare but so far it seemed Kurt’s dreams had been spared. But it didn’t keep Blaine from worrying about his boyfriend. Finally, around four o’clock, Kurt had settled down. Two hours had passed with Kurt wrapped around Blaine, not moving. His head was on Blaine’s chest, one arm curled against his side, the other thrown across his lover’s waist. Their legs were tangled together, with Kurt’s right leg over Blaine’s.

He was reluctant to leave the bed, but didn’t know how much patience the other guys would have for seeing them wrapped around each other. Plus, he knew there would be a fight over the bathroom, and Blaine wanted to avoid it by showering while everyone was asleep. Blaine managed to untangle himself from Kurt without waking him. He grabbed a pair of sweats on his way to the bathroom, knowing he would only be changing into his performance costume in a few hours.

Blaine had just stepped out of the shower and was toweling himself off when someone banged on the bathroom door. Before Blaine could call out that he was almost done, Puck was yelling through the door, “Blaine, there’s something wrong with Kurt!”

Blaine’s heart stopped. He frantically pulled on his boxers, threw open the door and sprinted to the bed he shared with Kurt. All the boys were watching in horror as Finn approached Kurt slowly, only to be pushed away as Kurt shrieked, “Don’t hurt me!”

In that instant, Blaine knew Kurt was not aware of his surroundings. Even as he stepped forward, Kurt dug his fingernails into his arms. His skin gave purchase, and Kurt raked his nails downward, drawing blood. Blaine surged forward, taking Kurt by the wrists so he couldn’t hurt himself further.

“Kurt, look at me,” Blaine said firmly. “You’re safe. I’m right here. You’re okay. Nothing’s going to harm you.”

At Blaine’s words, Kurt was able to tear himself from his memory. His sobs intensified as he scrambled onto Blaine’s lap. Blaine wrapped his arms around him, holding him tightly. Kurt buried his head in Blaine’s chest, his body trembling as he cried.

“Shh, you’re okay,” Blaine repeated. “I’ve got you.”

Blaine pressed a kiss to Kurt’s hair. His eyes sought out Finn, who nodded, knowing exactly what Blaine had in mind to comfort Kurt. Blaine drew in a deep breath before he began to sing.

_Oo-oo-oo, oo-oo-oo, oo-oo-oo_

_Oo-oo-oo, oo-oo-oo, oo-oo-oo_

_When she was just a girl,_

_She expected the world._

_But it flew away from her reach,_

_So she ran away in her sleep;_

_Dreamed of para- para- paradise,_

_Para- para- paradise,_

_Para- para- paradise._

_Every time she closed her eyes._

_Oo-oo-oo, oo-oo-oo, oo-oo-oo_

_Oo-oo-oo, oo-oo-oo, oo-oo-oo_

Mercifully, Kurt had only had one nightmare in the past month. But even the one he’d had the previous week had not been this bad. It had been a while since Kurt had completely lost himself in a memory. Tremors continued to wrack Kurt’s body, though their intensity had lessened.

Blaine was thankful when he saw Finn move to Kurt’s suitcase. He found Kurt’s anti-anxiety medication and grabbed a cup of water. Blaine took the pill from Finn, offering him a grateful smile. He put the pill against Kurt’s lips, waiting until he opened his mouth to place the pill on his tongue. Blaine then raised the glass of water to his lips, helping Kurt to take a sip before handing the cup back to Finn.

_When she was just a girl,_

_She expected the world._

_But it flew away from her reach,_

_And the bullets catch in her teeth._

Blaine only ever wanted Kurt to be happy. He wanted to give him the world. Blaine wanted all of Kurt’s dreams to come true. Kurt often felt all he had left _were_ dreams. Life had left him a broken shell of the boy he used to be, and he was slowly piecing the puzzle back together. Kurt’s past was dark, but Blaine was determined his future would be bright. No dream would ever be out of his reach because Blaine would help all of Kurt’s dreams become reality.

_Life goes on,_

_It gets so heavy._

_The wheel breaks the butterfly._

_Every tear, a waterfall._

_In the night, the stormy night,_

_She closed her eyes._

_In the night, the stormy night_

_Away she'd fly._

Finn began to sing with the next line. He hated seeing his stepbrother this way. He wanted so badly to help, but he wasn’t quite sure how except to give Kurt his medication. Watching Blaine, Finn couldn’t help but feel a pang of jealousy. Blaine knew exactly how to comfort Kurt; it was clear he had done this many times before. Finn should have been there for his stepbrother as Blaine had. He had tried, he really had, but Finn had never been good with the heavier emotions. As Finn joined in with Blaine, the other guys got the picture and began to sing as well.

_And dreamed of para- para- paradise_

_Para- para- paradise_

_Para- para- paradise_

_Whoa-oh-oh oh-oooh oh-oh-oh_

_She dreamed of para- para- paradise_

_Para- para- paradise_

_Para- para- paradise_

_Whoa-oh-oh oh-oooh oh-oh-oh._

All of the guys were shocked by Kurt’s nightmare and subsequent panic attack. They had never seen him that way, much less seen him intentionally cause himself harm. Finn had immediately jumped into action when Kurt had begun to thrash about in his sleep. But when Kurt awoke, it was clear he was not aware of the present but only the past. Finn tried to comfort him, but Kurt pushed him away in panic. Thankfully, Puck had thought to alert Blaine, but not before Kurt had hurt himself.

_La la la la_

_La la la_

_So lying underneath those stormy skies._

_She said, “oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh._

_I know the sun must set to rise.”_

Kurt was finally beginning to calm down. He kept his face buried in Blaine’s chest, drawing comfort from the feeling of their bare torsos pressed together. His heart rate was slowly returning to normal and his breath was less erratic. Kurt snuggled deeper into Blaine’s embrace, who responded by holding him even tighter.

_This could be para- para- paradise,_

_Para- para- paradise._

_This could be para- para- paradise._

_Whoa-oh-oh oh-oooh oh-oh-oh._

_This could be para- para- paradise,_

_Para- para- paradise._

_Could be para- para- paradise._

_Whoa-oh-oh oh-oooh oh-oh-oh._

_This could be para- para- paradise,_

_Para- para- paradise._

_Could be para- para- paradise._

_Whoa-oh-oh oh-oooh oh-oh-oh._

_Oo-oo-oo, oo-oo-oo, oo-oo-oo_

_Oo-oo-oo, oo-oo-oo, oo-oo-oo_

Blaine gently pushed Kurt back, his eyes searching his face, for what Kurt wasn’t sure. But apparently Blaine found what he was looking for because he cupped Kurt’s face in his hands, smiling softly. Blaine wiped the tear tracks from Kurt’s cheeks with his thumbs.

“Hi,” Blaine whispered.

"Hi,” Kurt murmured.

“Are you okay, man?” Finn asked, being careful to keep his voice low. He remembered how Kurt had reacted to loud noises after the last panic attack he had witnessed.

Kurt slowly raised his head to meet his stepbrother’s eyes. He froze when he caught sight of all the boys watching him with concern. He blushed, burying his face in the crook of Blaine’s shoulder. Blaine sensed Kurt’s uneasiness, and lifted him up onto his feet. Kurt looked at him questioningly, avoiding the stares of the other boys.

“Come on,” Blaine said, pulling on Kurt’s hand as he began to walk towards the bathroom. “You’ll feel better once you’ve had a shower.”

“Will you stay?” Kurt asked as he stepped into the bathroom. “I don’t-I don’t trust myself.”

Blaine smiled sadly, pressing a kiss to Kurt’s cheek. “Of course, love.”

“Thank you,” Kurt said with a shaky breath. He was still shaken from the panic attack. Kurt brushed his lips against Blaine’s before he peeled off his pajama pants along with his briefs.

Blaine forced himself to turn away when Kurt bent over the bathtub to turn on the water. He knew they couldn’t do anything with the guys in the next room, and it wouldn’t do to get aroused. Blaine pulled his clothes on as he had only had time to slip on his boxers before leaving the bathroom, only turning around when Kurt had pulled the shower curtain closed. When Kurt was done, Blaine wrapped him in a fluffy towel, drying him off as innocently as possible. Kurt’s cheeks were flushed by the time Blaine was done. Blaine kissed him softly before folding the towel as Kurt got dressed. When Kurt was done, Blaine found the first aid supplies in Kurt’s bathroom bag and gently cleaned the scratches on his arms. When Blaine was finished, he put the supplies up before pulling Kurt in his arms. He held him for a few long minutes before finally letting go and exiting the bathroom.

Normally, the guys would have ripped them a new one about being in the same room while the other showered. But after the events of the morning, no one had the heart to do so. Blaine and Kurt went down to breakfast while the others took turns in the bathroom.

Time flew by and all too soon they were dressed in their costumes and in the green room waiting to go on. Mercedes’ absence was all too noticeable for Kurt. Kurt didn’t notice his hands were shaking until Blaine seized them in his. He pulled Kurt to the back of the room, glad that no one seemed to take notice.

Blaine didn’t speak, but kissed Kurt tenderly. When he pulled back, he rest their foreheads together. Kurt smiled. With one loving kiss from Blaine, his nerves had dissipated.

“I love you,” Kurt said, knowing no other words were needed.

“I love you too,” Blaine answered.

“Forever?”

“Always.”

**K/B**

Everyone had been relieved when Mercedes made her triumphant return, but for Rachel that relief quickly turned to disappointment when they entered the wings of the stage and Carmen Tibideaux was absent from her seat.

“She didn’t come,” Rachel said sadly, looking at Kurt from over her shoulder. Before Kurt could speak, Finn was pulling Rachel over to him.

“Stop it, look at me,” he said. He waited until Rachel’s eyes met his before he continued. “This is your moment. It’s been three years in the making. Forget everything else. Take it.”

Kurt had never been more proud of his stepbrother in that moment. While he was not good at dealing with heavy emotions, he had just proved he was trying to be better at it. And for that reason alone, to Kurt, Finn was the best stepbrother ever.

**K/B**

Their performance passed by in a blur. All too soon it was over. Kurt was breathless as they took their bows. Standing up on the national stage, singing a duet with his boyfriend, it was one of the happiest moments of Kurt’s life.

Backstage, Kurt and Mercedes celebrated with their friends briefly. Vocal Adrenaline was going on next and they wanted to wish Unique luck. Kurt pressed his lips to Blaine’s, smiling when Blaine pulled him closer. They let the kiss last longer than they usually would in public, still high from the adrenaline of their performance. When they broke apart, Kurt pressed another quick kiss to Blaine’s lips before linking his arm through Mercedes’ as they went to find Unique.

“If you’ve come to mess with my head, don’t worry. I’m not going on,” Wade said the second they entered the room.

Kurt frowned, exchanging a look with Mercedes.

“We came to wish Unique luck and give her this flower,” Mercedes said slowly.

“Well, Unique has left the building,” Wade said, jumping up from his seat and stalking past them. “Try as I might I can’t conjure her.”

“Wade, this is just stage fright,” Kurt tried to comfort him. “Remember the last time Unique performed. You were a hit!”

“That was different! No one knew Unique. I didn’t have to be anyone different than my true self,” Wade exclaimed, stalking back to the vanity where he plopped down. “Now everyone’s depending on me and I can’t take the pressure. All I ever wanted to do was wear a dress and sing. And now I’m the poster child for any kid that’s different. I just can’t handle it.”

“You may not be able to handle it but Unique can,” Mercedes said, stepping forward.

“You’ve got to move past that fear and expectation,” Kurt said as he walked closer to Wade. He offered the single white rose to Wade. “At least that’s what real stars do.”

Wade took the rose from Kurt. He turned to face them, saying, “Aren’t we supposed to be enemies?”

“Yeah, but that’s not how we roll in the New Directions,” Mercedes answered, exchanging a smile with Kurt.

“Not really our style,” Kurt added.

“All right,” Wade said with newfound confidence. “Let me get ready.”

“Good luck,” Mercedes said as she turned to leave.

“Break a heel,” Kurt said with a smile as he walked backwards.

As they stepped out of the room, Kurt heard Wade say, “Unique might have to transfer schools next year.”

**K/B**

Kurt sat with his friends as they listened to the other groups perform. One of his hands was clasped in Blaine’s, the other in Mercedes’. Again, time flew by and Kurt found himself standing on the stage with his very best friends, the love of his life by his side. They waited nervously as the national champion was announced.

“Congratulations to both teams standing with us on the stage,” the announcer’s voice rang out. “But now it’s time to announce the winner. The 2012 Show Choir National Champions:  from McKinley High the New Directions!”

Kurt was in shock as Blaine hugged him fiercely. The entire group erupted, hugging each other tightly and cheering. Tears were streaming down Kurt’s face as he embraced Rachel and Mercedes in a three-way hug. They had done it. They had won.

**K/B**

The next day, the New Directions met at the front of the school. They were going to walk through the front doors together as the Show Choir National Champions. Kurt was nervous. He honestly did not expect their success to change anything, but he was hopeful. Puck and Kurt slowly pushed open the front doors, Blaine followed closely behind him. Finn wheeled Artie inside, the large trophy sitting in his lap. They stopped as they noticed the entire school was congregated along the lockers, leaving an aisle for them to walk. Kurt held his breath when two hockey players emerged carrying slushie cups. But instead of getting a face-full of flavored ice, confetti rained down on them.

As they continued down the hall, more and more confetti was thrown at them. When they came to a stop outside the choir room, Tina pulled Mike into a kiss. Not to be outdone, Rachel kissed Finn deeply. And when Santana kissed Brittany, Kurt made up his mind. He looked at Blaine with determination, grabbing him by the collar and pulling him forward. Their lips crashed together as Kurt kissed his boyfriend passionately. He felt Blaine stiffen at first, but then he was pouring all of his love into the kiss, wrapping his arms around Kurt’s neck to pull him in closer. They only broke away when Sam accidentally fell into them amidst the celebration. He apologized, but Kurt and Blaine hardly noticed, only having eyes for each other. They followed their friends into the choir room, coming to a stop in front of the trophy cabinet.

They turned their attention to Will as he unlocked the trophy cabinet, placing their nationals trophy inside with pride. Kurt’s cheeks hurt he was smiling so widely, but he could care less. He had waited three years for this moment, and now that it was finally here, he wasn’t going to let anything stop him for enjoying it.

**K/B**

The next afternoon, Kurt stood backstage with the rest of the glee club as Finn announced the winner of the Teacher of the Year award.

“The 2012 Teacher of the Year award goes to,” Finn paused to let Rachel continue.

“Mr. Will Schuester!” Rachel exclaimed.

Kurt poured his heart into “We Are the Champions,” knowing it was one of the last times they would sing together as a group. But instead of that fact filling Kurt with sadness, it filled him with love. He knew he would always carry the memories of his friends with him. When the song ended, Kurt found Blaine. They celebrated with Will for a while longer before the group slowly trickled out.

“You know,” Kurt said, turning his face towards Blaine as they walked down the hall, “I’m starting to believe that our dreams might really come true.”

Blaine stopped Kurt, pulling him into his arms. He smiled as he assured him, “They will, love. They will.”

And with that, Blaine pulled Kurt into a long kiss in the deserted hallway. The love radiated around them, through them, encompassing them. As Kurt pulled Blaine closer, Blaine knew he was right. They would go to New York and make it on Broadway. They would get married. They would have children. And they would grow old together. Their love would last. Forever and always.


	38. Chapter 37:  Goodbye

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I don’t want to ruin things for anyone, but I’m posting this early in hopes that this provides you with enough fluff after Thursday night’s episode. I’m not going to talk about it here because I don’t want to ruin it for those who don’t live in the US and aren’t able to watch the new episodes, but if you want to talk about it feel free to PM me. That brings me to where we are. We are finally here, the last chapter of Perfect. There is still an epilogue to come, so look for that next week. I’ve already begun writing the sequel though I’m not sure when I’ll start posting it. When I do I’ll add one last author’s note so y’all will know. I hope you enjoy this chapter!
> 
> Warnings for this chapter: sexual situations
> 
> Spoilers for: 3x22 – Goodbye
> 
> Disclaimer: I do not own Glee. “Skyscraper” belongs to Demi Lovato.

Chapter Thirty-Seven:  Goodbye

Saturday morning after nationals found Kurt and Blaine wrapped around each other in Kurt’s bed. Carole and Burt were in Washington D.C. but were expected home the next day and Finn was at Rachel’s, so Kurt and Blaine had the entire house to themselves. They had taken full of advantage of the empty house, having only left Kurt’s bed when absolutely necessary since Blaine had arrived Friday evening.

"You’re staring,” Kurt murmured sleepily without opening his eyes.

Blaine chuckled. He would never understand how Kurt knew what he was doing without even looking. Kurt opened his eyes, smiling when he saw that he had been right. Blaine’s hazel eyes gazed back at him, full of love and adoration.

“Good morning,” Blaine whispered.

“Good morning,” Kurt answered softly.

Blaine leaned forward, brushing his lips against Kurt’s. Kurt sighed happily, resting his head on Blaine’s chest when he pulled away. Blaine wrapped his arms around his lover, holding him close. After a while, Blaine broke the comfortable silence that had settled over them.

“What’re you thinking about?” Blaine asked. Kurt lifted his head to look Blaine in the eyes.

"This is our last week of high school,” Kurt said.

“Are you going to miss it?” Blaine asked, honestly surprised. After everything Kurt had been through, Blaine had never expected him to actually _miss_ McKinley.

“Not the school, no. But I _will_ miss our friends and being in the New Directions. It’s the only place I ever fit in,” Kurt answered with a sad smile. “The entire group’s been there for me through everything. I know I’m still far from being able to say I’ve recovered, but I’ve come a _long_ way from where I was a year ago. I want to show them how much I appreciate everything that they’ve done, and how far I’ve come because of it. Will you help me?”

“Of course, love. I’m so proud of you,” Blaine said with a fond smile.

Kurt looked away with a blush. Blaine chuckled, placing one finger under Kurt’s chin to turn his face back. He captured Kurt’s lips in a loving kiss. Kurt breath hitched as Blaine’s mouth moved against his, pulling him even closer. Blaine’s tongue snaked out to ask for admittance, which Kurt willingly gave. Kurt wrapped one hand in Blaine’s loose curls, tugging his bottom lip in between his teeth. Blaine moaned throatily, rolling over so he was on top of Kurt. He used his knee to part Kurt’s legs, settling against him so their entire bodies were pressed together. Blaine trailed kisses across Kurt’s jaw to his neck, sucking and nipping at the soft skin.

“You’re insatiable,” Kurt said with a groan, tilting his head to give Blaine better access.

"Only for you,” Blaine answered before continuing to kiss his way down Kurt’s torso.

**K/B**

Will couldn’t help but laugh when he walked into the choir room on Monday to see the original five glee members performing “Sit Down You’re Rocking the Boat,” complete with the choreography from their first year as a group. When the song was over, everyone applauded.

“That was the most ghetto number I’ve _ever_ seen,” Santana remarked from beside Brittany.

“Just call me George Jefferson because we went from the ghetto to the _penthouse_ , national champs baby!” Artie retorted with pride.

The group cheered. Will smiled fondly before moving to the board where he wrote “GOODBYE” in capital letters. The room fell eerily quiet as realization set in.

“This week’s assignment is easy,” Will said as he turned his back on the whiteboard. “Graduation is just a few days away and there’s nothing left to prepare for. Our work here is done. There’s only one thing left to do:  say goodbye. Underclassmen, pick a song to say goodbye to the seniors. Seniors, pick a song to say goodbye to us.”

“A part of me wants to lock these doors and stay in here with everyone forever,” Mercedes said sadly. Kurt reached out and squeezed her hand. Will smiled sadly, picking up his guitar.

“I really hope you’re about to rap,” Quinn said with a small smile.

Will laughed. “No, I’m leading by example here. This one is for you guys.”

Will began his rendition of “Forever Young,” looking around at his pupils with pride. They had come so far:  from twelfth place at the 2011 National Championships to first place at the 2012. They would never forget where they came from and what they had achieved. When Will was finished, the group applauded with tearful eyes. Kurt looked to Blaine, who nodded. They both stood, stepping to the front of the room.

“If you don’t mind, Mr. Schue, I’ve been working on something with Blaine that we’d like to perform,” Kurt said.

“Of course, Kurt,” Will said, waving his hand towards the piano. Kurt waited until Will had taken a seat on the risers before he spoke.

“I’ve been through a lot in the past couple of years, but no matter how bad things were, you guys were _always_ there to support me, even when I didn’t see it myself. I will _forever_ be grateful to all of you for your love and support. I’ve come a long way, and I still have even further to go. I’ll never forget how you guys helped me get here. I’m _not_ ready to say goodbye to you guys, but there _is_ a part of _myself_ that I’m ready to let go of, and that’s my self-injury.”

Blaine took a seat at the piano, waiting for Kurt’s nod to begin playing. Kurt drew in a deep breath before he began to sing.

_Skies are crying, I am watching,_

_Catching tear drops in my hands._

_Only silence as it's ending,_

_Like we never had a chance._

_Do you have to make me feel like_

_There's nothing left of me?_

Kurt’s depression had taken over his life, but he was slowly regaining control. He would _not_ let the bad emotions overwhelm him anymore. He was learning other ways to cope with them, rather than hurting himself. Kurt would _not_ let his self-injury control him any longer. He would _not_ let it make him feel weak, like he was nothing.

_You can take everything I have._

_You can break everything I am,_

_Like I'm made of glass,_

_Like I'm made of paper._

_Go on and try to tear me down._

_I will be rising from the ground,_

_Like a skyscraper._

_Like a skyscraper._

There had been a time when Kurt had thought self-injury made him strong, but now he saw it was a weakness. It was a maladaptive coping mechanism and nothing more. Whenever he hurt himself, Kurt was giving himself over to the condition. He let it shatter him as easily as if he were made of glass, but no more. Kurt would not let self-injury take over his life once again. He _would_ be strong; he _would_ stand tall.

_As the smoke clears, I awaken,_

_And untangle you from me._

_Would it make you feel better_

_To watch me while I bleed?_

_All my windows still are broken._

_But I'm standing on my feet._

Kurt had once felt self-injury was a part of him. Now he knew it could not be. Kurt cut the ties that bound him to it, setting himself free. He wasn’t fully healed, not yet, but he was getting there. Kurt was still broken, but he was picking up the pieces of his fragmented soul.

_You can take everything I have._

_You can break everything I am,_

_Like I'm made of glass,_

_Like I'm made of paper._

_Go on and try to tear me down._

_I will be rising from the ground,_

_Like a skyscraper._

_Like a skyscraper._

Blaine had never been more proud of his boyfriend. It had been nearly a month since Kurt had last hurt himself. While he still had urges, instead of immediately turning to the blade, he turned to Blaine and his friends instead. Kurt was rebuilding his life, without depression and self-injury leading the way.

_Go run, run, run._

_I'm gonna stay right here,_

_Watch you disappear._

_Yeah, oh._

_Go run, run, run._

_Yeah, it's a long way down._

_But I am closer to the clouds up here._

Kurt was saying goodbye to his self-injury. He was turning his back on it, and he hoped he would _never_ see it again. He would stand his ground and stay strong. Kurt knew it was possible that he would relapse again; he had a long way to fall, but he knew his friends and family would be there to catch him if it happened.

_You can take everything I have._

_You can break everything I am,_

_Like I'm made of glass,_

_Like I'm made of paper._

_Oh, oh._

_Go on and try to tear me down._

_I will be rising from the ground,_

_Like a skyscraper._

_Like a skyscraper._

_(Like a skyscraper)_

_Like a skyscraper._

_Like a skyscraper._

Kurt was crying openly as Blaine played the last notes. The group broke into applause. Blaine pushed back from the piano bench, pulling Kurt into his arms. Kurt buried his head in Blaine’s shoulder, allowing himself to let go of his emotions. Suddenly, the group was surrounding them, forming a massive group hug. Kurt lifted his head with a smile. He would never have greater friends than these in the New Directions.

**K/B**

Kurt had stopped by his locker to drop off some unneeded textbooks when he got a text message from his dad. Burt asked him to meet him in the auditorium. Kurt furrowed his eyebrows, closing his locker. He walked into the auditorium to see Burt sitting on the edge of the stage, waiting on him.

“Dad, why on earth did you want to meet me in _here?”_ Kurt asked.

“Sit down, I want to give you your graduation present,” Burt told him.

“Is Elaine Stritch here?” Kurt asked.

“I have _no_ idea who that is,” Burt said bluntly. “See, this is why it’s so hard to buy you gifts. I can’t make heads or tails about what you like.”

“Dad, I’m _easy,”_ Kurt said as he took a seat in the front row.

“That’s debatable,” Burt said as he stood. “Somewhere around your seventh birthday, I lost you. Before that you were a normal kid, I mean a kid who liked to dust. But I read you to bed, I put cartoons on when you were bored, I taught you to ride a bike. Normal stuff. Then you turned seven or eight and you started to become _this_. And it was like I was living with an alien. I tried to keep up but after you mom passed I didn’t stand a chance.”

“You did good, Dad,” Kurt assured his father with a smile.

“I am _proud_ of what you and I did together.”

“I’m proud of us too.”

“Do you remember when it started? When we turned a corner and started walking towards each other rather than in opposite directions?” Burt asked as he walked to the center of the stage.

“Tell me,” Kurt said, shaking his head.

“Screw that. I’m going to _show_ you.”

Tina and Brittany walked out to stand on either side of Burt as the music to “Single Ladies” began to play. Kurt couldn’t help but laugh as his dad danced to the music, trying to follow Tina and Brittany’s lead. When they were finished, he clapped loudly. Kurt raced onto the stage to embrace his father. No words were spoken, but none were needed. Burt pressed a kiss to his son’s forehead before leaving to return to the garage.

**K/B**

“It was the _best_ graduation present ever,” Kurt said as he walked into his last class of the day with Blaine.

“What about the monogrammed towels I got for you?” Blaine asked, referring to the towels he had bought with both his and Kurt’s initials on them.

“You didn’t have to get me a gift, silly,” Kurt said as he slid into his seat. Blaine ignored him.

"We’ve been putting this off for _far_ too long,” Blaine said as he sat beside Kurt. He was glad the classroom was empty, not wanting to have this conversation in public. “Don’t you think we should talk?”

“Can’t we just have a few final days of denial?” Kurt asked.

“No, we can’t,” Blaine protested. “This is happening _now_ , Kurt. It’s not some far off thing in the future. I’m going to New York and you might stay here. You know how hard long distance relationships can be. We’ve both seen _The Notebook_.”

“Do you want to know how I picture the end of my life?” Kurt asked, turning to face Blaine. “Just like _The Notebook_ , I’m sitting in a nursing home talking _endlessly_ about my high school sweetheart, _my first love._ Going on and on about every little detail, as if they matter. Only, in _my_ version, you’re there with me, telling me to shut up so you can finish watching the American Cinema Salute to J-Lo.”

“So we’re going to be all right?” Blaine asked, still terrified of being separated from his boyfriend.

“Yes, we’re going to be all right. I told you I’m _never_ saying goodbye to you,” Kurt said, leaning in to kiss Blaine tenderly. They broke apart before the rest of their class filed in.

Blaine looked at Kurt as the class began. His decision had been cemented in his mind. No matter what, he was going to spend the rest of his life with Kurt.

**K/B**

Their last class passed quickly and soon Kurt and Blaine were in the choir room once more. When Kurt had sung earlier, he was saying goodbye to his self-injury. Now it was time to say goodbye to his friends.

“I’m dedicating my goodbye song to all of you,” Kurt said, clasping his hands together. His voice broke as he continued to speak, tears filling his eyes. “But I wanted to mostly thank the men in the room who have _truly_ inspired me. You never saw me for the things that made us _different_ ; you only saw me for the ways that we’re the _same_. Because in this room, _it doesn’t matter_ if you’re gay or straight. What matters is that _we’re friends.”_

Kurt looked at each of his friends in turn as he sang “I’ll Remember.” He would never forget them, or what they had done for him. He was forever grateful for their friendship.

**K/B**

Before class the next day, Rachel found Finn, Kurt, and Blaine at Kurt’s locker. She hurried up to them, breathless.

“Thank goodness you’re all here,” she said. “I called NYADA, NYU, and OSU. They sent out our acceptance letters this week.”

“Oh my god, that’s _so_ exciting,” Kurt said.

“I’m totally _terrified_ ,” Finn admitted. “I only applied to NYU for physical education.”

“You’ll be fine, Finn,” Blaine assured him.

“We need to make a pact,” Rachel cut in. “When we get our letters, we open them _together_ , in the choir room. These letters are our future so I want to open mine with my three most important people. Deal?”

“Deal!” the three boys chorused.

“Pinky swear?” Kurt asked, extending his pinky.

Finn laughed, but linked pinkies with his girlfriend, his stepbrother, and his friend. Their futures had been determined, now they just had to wait to see what was in store for them.

**K/B**

The next day passed in the blink of an eye, and before Kurt could hardly catch his breath, it was graduation day. He stood backstage with his friends, listening one by one as their names were called. Blaine was one of the first names to be called. Before he could step out from the wings, Kurt hugged him tightly, letting go with a proud smile. Blaine winked at him before he walked out onto the stage. Kurt smiled as he accepted his diploma and joined his friends on stage as they sang “Glory Days.”

High school was over. They had the rest of their lives before them. Kurt didn’t know what the future would hold, but he knew no matter what, Blaine would be there with him. His one constant.

**K/B**

The graduation celebration lasted until the early morning. Kurt was pulled out of slumber by his phone chiming with an incoming text message. He groggily reached for his phone, reading the message with sleepy eyes.

05/22/12 08:23 a.m.:  My NYADA letter came.

Kurt stared at Rachel’s message for a split second. Then he threw back the covers, pulling on the first clothes he found and ran down the stairs, and out the front door to the mail box. He reached in with a shaky hand, his eyes widening when he found three letters. Two were addressed to him from NYADA and OSU. The third was for Finn from NYU. Kurt ran back into the house to call Blaine and Rachel. Blaine’s letter had arrived as well. They agreed to meet in the choir room in thirty minutes.

Kurt was nervous as he walked into the choir room, Blaine’s hand clasped firmly in his own. Rachel and Finn followed behind them. They set their letters down on one stool, staring at them.

“I’m _seriously_ having trouble breathing right now,” Kurt said in a shaky voice. Blaine wrapped an arm around his shoulders, pulling him close.

“I’ll go first,” Finn said, grabbing his letter off of the stool. He opened the envelope with an unsteady hand. His eyes skimmed the letter before he broke into a wide smile. “I got in!”

Everyone congratulated him, breathing a sigh of relief. That was one of the four that got accepted. Blaine squeezed Kurt’s hand before letting go.

“I’ll go next,” he said. He reached for his envelope, trying to keep his hand from shaking as he pulled out the letter. Blaine read it to himself before turning to look at Kurt. “I got in!”

Kurt flung himself into Blaine’s arms, hugging him tightly. They stood there for a moment before Kurt pulled back, reaching for his NYADA letter with a trembling hand.

“My turn,” he said with a heavy sigh. He tore into the envelope, opening the folded piece of paper inside. Kurt held his breath as he read it, lifting his head to look Blaine in the eyes when he was done.

_“Well?”_ Blaine asked with bated breath.

“I did it. I got in!”

Blaine took Kurt’s face in his hands, pulling him in for a long kiss. They ignored the fact that Kurt’s stepbrother and best friend were in the room, allowing themselves this moment to celebrate. When they pulled apart, Blaine looked back to the stool.

“What about OSU?”

Kurt reached for the envelope. He tore it in half with a triumphant smile. “It doesn’t matter what it says. I’m going to New York with the love of my life.”

Blaine smiled widely, taking Kurt’s hand in his as Rachel reached for the last envelope on the stool. She opened it, her eyes skimming the letter. She lifted her head, her eyes looking over all of her friends before resting on Finn.

“I got in. We all did!”

The four friends embraced each other, laughing and crying. When they finally pulled apart, Blaine cleared his throat.

“There’s something else I have to tell you,” he said, turning to face Kurt. “My parents gave me their condo in New York as a graduation present. . . . Kurt, I want to spend _every_ _morning_ waking with you in my arms, and _every_ _night_ I want to fall asleep listening to you breathe. Kurt, will you move in with me?”

“Of course,” Kurt cried, pulling Blaine in for another kiss. This one was much shorter. When they broke apart, Blaine turned to Finn and Rachel.

“You guys are more than welcome to stay with us until you find your own place. We have the room.”

“Thank you, Blaine,” Finn said with a smile.

“I can’t believe this is happening! We did it! We _really_ did it,” Rachel said, reaching for Kurt and Finn’s hands. Kurt grabbed Blaine’s hand and Finn took Blaine’s other.

Kurt smiled widely as he said, “New York here we come!”


	39. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: We’re finally here: the epilogue of Perfect. Thank you so much to everyone who has stuck by this story and is here to join me at the end. I especially want to thank my friend, Dan, for putting up with the hundreds of emails sent his way throughout this entire process. The sequel, In Search of Utopia, is already being written. I’m not sure when it will be posted but I will add one last author’s note to the end of this story when I do post the first chapter. I’ve made this author’s note long enough. Onwards to the end.
> 
> Warnings for this chapter: sexual situations
> 
> Disclaimer: I do not own Glee. “Into the West” belongs to Annie Lennox, Fran Walsh, and Howard Shore. “Wishing You Were Somehow Here Again” belongs to Andrew Lloyd Webber. “Roads Go Ever, Ever On” belongs to J. R. R. Tolkien.

 

Epilogue

Kurt lay on his back on a navy blanket under his favorite tree in Schoonover Park. One arm was curled under his head as he stared up into the branches of the tall oak. He heard movement beside him, but didn’t turn to look or otherwise acknowledge that he had heard anything besides the rustling of leaves over his head.

“What’re you thinking about?”

Kurt smiled, not answering immediately. He was content to lay here for as long as possible, knowing soon everything was going to change. Finally, when he knew he could not ignore the question any longer, he turned his head towards the asker and answered, “You.”

Blaine couldn’t help but smile. He pulled on Kurt’s free hand until he was sitting up. Blaine entwined their fingers, staring at the contrast in skin tones before he raised his eyes to his boyfriend’s.

“I know I’m supposed to wait until tonight, but I can’t any longer.”

“It wasn’t so much that you were supposed to wait but that you weren’t supposed to buy me anything to begin with.”

“You only turn eighteen once, Kurt.” Blaine reached into the pocket of his blazer, withdrawing a rectangular jewelry box. He pressed the box into Kurt’s hands as he said, “Open it.”

Kurt sighed, trying hard to act disapproving, but they both knew the truth. He slid his hand free of Blaine’s, slowly pulling the lid off of the box. Kurt gasped; his eyes grew wide and snapped to Blaine’s face.

“You don’t like it.” Blaine’s face fell. “I knew it was a stupid idea.”

“No, no, honey, no!” Kurt scrambled to his knees, clutching one of Blaine’s hands to his chest. “It’s beautiful. I love it. I love _you_. Here, put it on me?”

Blaine took the box from Kurt. Inside was a sterling silver puzzle piece pendant with a cursive letter ‘B’ engraved in the middle. Blaine lifted the necklace from the box and slid his arms around Kurt’s neck. He fumbled with the clasp, but finally it caught. The necklace fell to rest over Kurt’s sternum. Kurt brought one hand up, brushing his finger across the pendant.

“I love it,” he repeated.

“I’m glad,” Blaine said with a soft smile. He pulled Kurt closer. “Come here; let me show you something else.”

Before Kurt could ask any questions, Blaine had reached into his shirt and was pulling out his own necklace. This one was identical to Kurt’s, except it had an engraving of a cursive letter ‘K.’ Kurt was surprised he hadn’t noticed the chain earlier, but Blaine had hidden it well. Blaine brought his pendant next to Kurt’s. Kurt gasped when the puzzle pieces clicked together. Two broken pieces formed a whole.

“They’re magnets,” Blaine explained, “because no matter where I am or what I’m doing, I can feel something pulling me towards you, wherever you may be.”

A single teardrop rolled down Kurt’s cheek, but he didn’t raise a finger to wipe it away. Blaine smiled lovingly, kissing the tear away. His lips moved closer to Kurt’s.

“Happy birthday, Kurt,” Blaine whispered before closing the distance between them.

**K/B**

“What do you boys have planned for today?” Carole asked as she set a plate of whole wheat pancakes down on the table.

A week had passed since Kurt’s eighteenth birthday, and the boys had not gone an entire twenty-four hours without seeing each other. In fact, since their graduation day, most mornings had been spent in a similar fashion. Kurt would text Blaine as soon as he woke and Blaine would drive to Kurt’s house to eat breakfast with the Hudmels.

“Some of the Warblers are going to be at Dalton today. I thought we could go see them one last time before we leave,” Blaine suggested.

“It’s summertime. Why would they be at Dalton over the summer?” Kurt asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Every summer, the Warblers have a party for the members who graduated that year. Nick and Jeff invited us,” Blaine explained as he poured syrup over his pancakes.

“Why didn’t you go last summer?” Kurt asked. Something wasn’t quite making sense to him.

“Carole, would you like a cup of coffee?” Blaine asked suddenly, springing to his feet and heading towards the coffeemaker. Kurt knew he was purposefully avoiding the question, but knew if it was something important, Blaine would tell him. So he let it go, for now.

**K/B**

“I thought you said the Warblers would be here,” Kurt said as Blaine pulled into the parking lot at Dalton Academy. No other cars were in sight.

“They’re supposed to be,” Blaine said in apparent confusion. “Let’s go see if they’re hiding somewhere.”

Kurt followed Blaine into the school, which was surprisingly unlocked despite the fact that no one else seemed to be around. Blaine led the way down the hall to a spiral staircase. They were almost to the bottom of the stairs when Blaine turned around, standing two steps in front of Kurt.

“This is where we first met,” Blaine said softly, a smile on his face.

Kurt grinned, his mind rushing back to that day. The day that changed everything. Kurt was unhappy, suicidal even. But the second he met Blaine all thoughts of ending his life ceased to exist. Blaine had saved him so many times, in so many ways, over the past year alone. And to think he had only come to Dalton on a secret spy mission for one Noah Puckerman.

“Excuse me, can I ask you a question?” Kurt asked with an innocent smile. “I’m new here.”

“My name’s Blaine,” he answered immediately, offering Kurt his hand.

“Kurt,” Kurt replied as he shook Blaine’s hand.

They tried to hold it in but laughter bubbled out from them. When Kurt moved to release his hand, Blaine tightened his grip as he brought Kurt’s hand up to his lips. He took Kurt’s other hand and brought it up as well.

“I love you,” Blaine said simply.

“I love you too,” Kurt replied. “I did the second I saw you. And when you sang ‘Teenage Dream,’ it was like you were singing right at me.”

“Because I was,” Blaine told him.

“And that ‘short cut’ was _so_ not short,” Kurt said with a laugh.

“Can you blame me for wanting to spend more time with you?” Blaine asked.

“No,” Kurt replied. He turned to look around the stairway. “This place hasn’t changed at all, not that I expected it to.”

“Kurt,” Blaine said softly.

Kurt turned back around, gasping when he saw Blaine down on one knee. Kurt’s right hand flew up to his mouth and Blaine took his left one in his own.

“Kurt, I was _enthralled_ by you the second I saw you. You held yourself with such grace that I could only ever wish for, but I knew instantly that there was something deeper. Your eyes were haunted, and I instantly wanted to take away whatever pain caused that. I tried so hard not to think about you as anything other than a friend, even going so far as to pursue another. But in the end I knew it was you. I was too afraid to risk it at first, but when you sang ‘Blackbird’ that day . . . there was so much compassion in your voice and I knew I had to risk it or I’d die never knowing what it was like to love you and be loved by you in return.

"This year has been filled with uncertainties. But there’s one thing that has always been certain, and that’s you. Whether you went to NYADA or OSU, I knew that I would be here, on my knee, today. We’ve been through so much and it’s only strengthened our relationship. No matter what happens, I know I will be with you for the rest of my life. I will spend every day loving you, adoring you, cherishing you.” Blaine paused, reaching into his pocket and withdrawing a small jewelry box. He opened the box to reveal a platinum Tiffany Circlet ring, Elizabeth Hummel’s ring. “Kurt Elizabeth Hummel, would you do me the honor of becoming my husband?”

“Yes, a thousand times yes!” Kurt gasped through his tears.

Blaine’s face lit up. He gently pulled the ring out from its box, and looking deeply into Kurt’s eyes, he slipped it onto the third finger of Kurt’s left hand. Kurt pulled Blaine to his feet, wrapping his arms around his neck as he kissed him passionately. They were both crying, clinging to each other and never wanting to let go. When their lungs were burning in their chests from lack of oxygen, they forced themselves to pull apart. Kurt brought his left hand up to his face, examining the ring. A center diamond was surrounded by a circle of diamonds which was nestled into a diamond band.

“How did you get my mother’s ring?” Kurt asked through his tears.

“Remember prom night? You stayed at my house and the next morning we went to yours. While you were upstairs doing your moisturizing routine, I talked to your dad. And after assuring him that we would not jump into things like Finn and Rachel, he gave us his blessing and asked me to propose with your mother’s ring,” Blaine explained in a soft voice.

“I’m glad you did.” Kurt tore his eyes away from his mother’s ring to look deep into Blaine’s eyes. “We have to go tell our parents.”

“Not right now,” Blaine said with a coy smile. “Right now, we are going back to your house to celebrate.”

“But my dad-”

“- is at work.”

“Carole-”

“Also at work.”

“And Finn-”

“- is at Rachel’s. We have plenty of time to celebrate with them later. Right now, I want to celebrate with my fiancé.” Kurt’s face lit up the second the word left Blaine’s mouth. He kissed him deeply and when they pulled apart, he allowed Blaine to lead him out of the building.

**K/B**

“Is it weird that I’m already used to seeing her ring on my finger?” Kurt asked several hours later, his head pillowed against Blaine’s chest.

They had left Dalton and driven directly to Kurt’s house. The drive had taken two hours, but neither were bothered with the time. They were engaged. They were together. That was all that they needed. Once in the privacy of Kurt’s bedroom, they had made love slowly, reveling in the sensation of loving one another with their whole beings.

“No, it’s not,” Blaine answered. They lapsed back into a comfortable silence until Blaine felt a hot tear splash onto his collarbone. He immediately pushed Kurt back so he could look him in the eyes. “Hey, what’s wrong? Why are you crying?”

“I just wish my mom could be here to see her only child’s engagement,” Kurt cried.

“Oh, baby, she is here. She’s watching over you every day of your life. And she wouldn’t want you to cry. She would want you to be happy,” Blaine paused. “I know you don’t believe in God or Heaven, and I’m not sure what I believe, but I _do_ believe that you will see her again one day.”

Kurt wanted nothing more than to believe what Blaine said was true, but he couldn’t. Because God wasn’t real and neither was Heaven. Kurt would never see his mother again. This thought made him cry harder than before. Blaine pulled Kurt back into his arms, holding him close as he began to sing.

_Lay down,_

_Your sweet and weary head._

_Night is falling._

_You’ve come to journey's end._

_Sleep now,_

_And dream of the ones who came before._

_They are calling_

_From across the distant shore._

Blaine knew Kurt missed his mother each and every day, and not having her here to join in their happiness made him miss her even more. Blaine knew Kurt didn’t believe in a higher being or an afterlife, but Blaine knew Elizabeth Hummel was watching over her son. And she would be there in spirit on their wedding day, at the birth of their children, and at their college graduations. She would be there, always.

_Why do you weep?_

_What are these tears upon your face?_

_Soon you will see,_

_All of your fears will pass away._

_Safe in my arms,_

_You're only sleeping._

Kurt remembered the day his mother died like it was yesterday. The sight of her immobile body lying in the mahogany casket haunted him to this day. She had looked like she was sleeping, and he wanted her to wake up more than anything.

_What can you see_

_On the horizon?_

_Why do the white gulls call?_

_Across the sea,_

_A pale moon rises._

_The ships have come to carry you home._

His father had tried to stay strong for his son, but Kurt could hear him crying at night. His mother had been sick for a long time. The cancer had spread rapidly. Chemotherapy destroyed her immune system. And when she caught pneumonia, the doctors had all but given up.

_And all will turn_

_To silver glass._

_A light on the water_

_All souls pass._

Blaine had been lucky. He had never lost a loved one. He couldn’t even imagine losing his mother. Especially not at a young age. Kurt had been forced to grow up without his mother. His childhood had been ripped away while he was still in elementary school.

_Hope fades_

_Into the world of night;_

_Through shadows falling_

_Out of memory and time._

_Don't say: “We have come now to the end.”_

_White shores are calling._

_You and I will meet again._

More than anything, Kurt wanted his mother back. He wanted her here to share in this happy moment with them. Kurt was thankful he had his father and Carole. Carole could never replace his mother, no one ever could, but she was the best stepmother he could have ever asked for.

_And you'll be here in my arms,_

_Just sleeping._

_What can you see_

_On the horizon?_

_Why do the white gulls call?_

_Across the sea,_

_A pale moon rises._

_The ships have come to carry you home._

_And all will turn_

_To silver glass_

_A light on the water_

_Grey ships pass_

_Into the west._

Kurt’s tears had subsided as he listened to Blaine sing. Blaine brushed his lips across Kurt’s forehead. Kurt snuggled deeper into his arms.

“I want you to meet her . . . before we leave,” Kurt said after a while.

“Really?” Blaine asked, surprised. While they had certainly spoken about Kurt’s mother before, they had never discussed visiting her gravesite. “You want me to?”

“I do,” Kurt answered. “You’re my world, Blaine, my everything. I know if my mom were here, she’d love you just as much as I do. And just because she’s passed doesn’t mean that still can’t happen.”

“Of course, it doesn’t. I’m so proud of you. You’ve come so far, Kurt,” Blaine said with a fond smile.

“I have you to thank for that. I wouldn’t have gone into recovery if not for you,” Kurt said modestly.

“You would have gotten there eventually. I have faith in you.”

“You always do.”

“And I always will.”

**K/B**

“Are you okay?” Blaine asked, watching Kurt carefully. It was the day after Blaine had proposed and they were sitting in Blaine’s car in the parking lot of the Lima Cemetery.

Kurt drew in a deep breath, biting his lip. He nodded slowly before answering, “Yeah, just give me a minute. It’s still hard coming here.”

“Take your time,” Blaine said, reaching over to squeeze his hand.

Kurt concentrated on his breathing, fighting back his tears. He wasn’t even at her grave yet and he was already tearing up. Several minutes passed before he said, “Okay,” and pushed open the car door. The second the door closed behind him, his tears began to fall. Blaine hurried to his side, wrapping an arm around his waist. Kurt leaned his head against Blaine’s shoulder, drawing in a shuddering breath as he began to sing.

_You were once my one companion._

_You were all that mattered._

_You were once a friend and father._

_Then my world was shattered._

Elizabeth had been everything to Kurt. She was his best friend. While Burt worked at the shop, Elizabeth stayed home with Kurt. Once he was old enough to attend school, Elizabeth spent the day taking care of the house but made sure she was always on the bus stop on time to walk Kurt home. Kurt remembered when she first got sick and wasn’t able to walk with him anymore. He had been devastated.

_Wishing you were somehow here again;_

_Wishing you were somehow near._

_Sometimes it seemed if I just dreamed,_

_Somehow you would be here._

More than anything, Kurt wanted his mother back again. Even though it had been ten long years, Kurt knew that would always be his greatest wish. How he longed for her comforting scent to wash over him as she held him in a loving embrace. Kurt still had dreams where she came back, where she had never died. It was the hardest to wake from those dreams and remember she wasn’t there, that she would never be there.

_Wishing I could hear your voice again,_

_Knowing that I never would._

_Dreaming of you won't help me to do_

_All that you dreamed I could._

Kurt missed her smile, her laugh, the sound of her voice as she sang him to sleep each night. He would never experience those things again. They had been taken from him. Kurt only hoped he was somehow making her proud, even with all the mistakes he had made. Elizabeth had always encouraged him to follow his dreams and often told him no dream was too big. If you could dream it, you could make it happen. Kurt hoped by following his dreams he was making her proud. She had always said he could do whatever he set his mind to.

_Passing bells and sculpted angels,_

_Cold and monumental,_

_Seem for you the wrong companions._

_You were warm and gentle._

Kurt led Blaine through the headstones and statues. The stony stares of the angels had always made him uneasy. This place was cold and hard, not the right place for his mother who was the most loving person he had ever known.

_Too many years fighting back tears._

_Why can't the past just die?_

_Wishing you were somehow here again._

_Knowing we must say goodbye._

_Try to forgive, teach me to live._

_Give me the strength to try._

The past ten years of his life had been spent running from his emotions. He forced back his tears and hid away his pain. But no matter how far he tried to run, the past would always catch up to him. Kurt knew his mother would never return to him. For a long time he had been mad at her for abandoning him. But he wasn’t anymore. He knew she had not chosen to leave. Now he tried to live as she had, spreading love and joy. It wasn’t always easy, but Kurt was never one to give up. So he kept trying, just as his mother had taught him.

_No more memories, no more silent tears._

_No more gazing across the wasted years._

_Help me say goodbye._

_Help me say goodbye!_

Kurt stopped in front of his mother’s grave, dropping Blaine’s hand. He slowly fell to his knees in front of the headstone, lifting one hand to trace over the letters that spelt “Elizabeth Marie Hummel.” Kurt didn’t bother trying to fight his tears, but let them fall freely.

“Hi, Mama,” Kurt whispered. He knew in his heart that his mother couldn’t hear him, but talking to her resting place somehow made him feel better. “A lot has happened since I was here on Mother’s Day. We won nationals. I graduated high school. I wish you could have been there, for that and . . .” Kurt took a deep breath, looking up at Blaine who was still standing. He grabbed his hand and tugged him down beside him. “Mama, this is Blaine. He’s the love of my life, my soul mate, my everything. Mama, he asked me to marry him. I wish you could be here to see us. He makes me so h-happy, Mama.”

Kurt’s voice broke off as his tears came stronger than before. Blaine squeezed his hand, reminding him that he was there.

“Hi, Mrs. Hummel,” Blaine said softly.

“Elizabeth,” Kurt interrupted, speaking through his tears. “She’d want you to call her Elizabeth.”

“Elizabeth,” Blaine repeated. “I want you to know that I love your son more than anything or anyone in this world. I don’t know what I would do without him. He’s the most amazing person I’ve ever met, and I would like to thank you for that.”

Kurt smiled, leaning his head on Blaine’s shoulder. He drew in a deep breath before he spoke, “I don’t know when I’ll be able to visit you again, Mama. We’re moving to New York in a week. I got into NYADA, Mama, and Blaine’s going to NYU. I’m following my dreams, just like you always told me to. I promise I’ll come back whenever we’re back in Lima. I love you, Mama,” Kurt said as he got to his feet.

“It was nice to meet you, Elizabeth. I promise I’ll take good care of your son,” Blaine said, looking at Kurt with a smile.

“You already are,” Kurt assured him with a chaste kiss.

**K/B**

“Are you sure that’s everything?” Burt asked as he helped Kurt, Blaine, and Finn carry the last of their boxes to Kurt’s Navigator. They had spent the past week packing for the move to New York. Now the furniture they were taking with them was in a U-Haul that Burt and Carole would be driving while Kurt and Blaine were taking the Navigator and Finn would follow in his truck with Rachel.

“I’m positive, Dad,” Kurt said as he closed the tailgate to the Navigator.

“This is it,” Blaine said, coming up behind him. He wrapped an arm around Kurt’s waist, pulling him close.

“We’ll see you in Manhattan,” Burt said.

After hugs had been exchanged all around, everyone climbed into their respective vehicles. Blaine leaned over the center console to press a loving kiss to Kurt’s lips. When he pulled back there was a mischievous glint in his eye. His lips curled into a smile as he began to sing.

_Roads go ever, ever on,_

_Over rock and under tree,_

_By caves where never sun has shone,_

_By streams that never find the sea;_

_Over snow by winter sown,_

_And through the merry flowers of June,_

_Over grass and over stone,_

_And under mountains in the moon._

Kurt couldn’t help but laugh at Blaine’s geekiness. Only he would remember the words to J.R.R. Tolkien’s song from _The Hobbit_. Some people may think it embarrassing, but Kurt found it endearing. He loved that Blaine shared his love of literature. He knew between the two of them their condo in New York would be filled with books. And it would be filled with love.

_Roads go ever, ever on,_

_Under cloud and under star,_

_Yet feet that wandering have gone_

_Turn at last to home afar._

_Eyes that fire and sword have seen_

_And horror in the halls of stone_

_Look at last on meadows green_

_And trees and hills they long have known._

“Are you nervous?” Blaine asked when he had finished singing.

“For the beginning of the rest of our lives? Not at all,” Kurt answered.

And it was true. Most people would be nervous to move to a new city and live with their fiancé. But not Kurt. There was not a doubt in his mind that he had made the right decision. He had his fiancé, his stepbrother, and his best friend. Everything was _perfect_.


	40. Update

Update

The sequel, _In Search of Utopia_ , has been posted. I really didn’t expect to get this story started so soon. I hope it’s a pleasant surprise! Thank you to everyone who stuck with me to the end, and I hope you continue to follow Kurt’s road to recovery in the sequel.

Always,

Rhiannon


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